(Airship Theme playing) HEHEHEHEHE! HAHAHAHAHA! BWAA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I have been waiting for the chance to mock this franchise for a very long time and there’s no way I’m passing this opportunity up. A franchise notorious for playing down to their competition at the worst possible times for years on end, a franchise who’s been bailed out by a player system that plenty of organizations would kill to have masking flaws in coaching and Basketball IQ. A team that has been the most spoiled franchise in the NBA is finally about to face accountability for once in their damn lives. You know which franchise I’m talking about right? The Boston Celtics. Yes they have 18 championships but when you look at their recent history they should have at least 20 of them AT MINIMUM! The title they won in 2024 should have been stuck in between a three-peat. That’s how dominant they were in 2023 and 2025 only to crap the bed against opponents who they were heavily favored to beat. But this year may have been the most devastating series loss in Celtics History. Which is saying something because this was supposed to be a rebuilding year given the preseason expectations. But like I said, they have a system that roughly 3/4s of the league would kill to have right now in their organization. They survived their depth being gutted and Jayson Tatum recovering from a torn Achilles with flying colors. And that’s even with Beantown wanting Joe Mazzulla’s head placed on a tee. (Fun fact: he’s nowhere near the main issue) Even better news they’re playing the Philadelphia 76ers in the 1st Round. Their punching bag of punching bags, the one team they’ve owned more than anyone since the 1960s, the “We Want Boston” chants getting outlawed by the National Media once again. You’re playing the NBA’s answer to the pre-2018 Washington Capitals who haven’t made it past the 2nd Round post 9/11 for crying out loud and haven’t beaten you in over 40 years. You go into X-Finity Mobile Arena and put an ass whooping on the Sixers in Games 3 and 4, potentially giving their longtime PA Announcer Matt Cord the same retirement gift that Larry Bird and company gave Dave Zinkoff in 1985. Joel Embiid’s about to get run out of town for turning into the equivalent of Donavan McNabb in the NFC Championship Game. All you have to do is take care of business at TD Garden in Game 5 and a rematch with the Knicks will be set.
Game 5: Uh ok. You led going into the 4th Quarter only for the offense to stall out because they won’t stop chucking up 3s. Are we sure this is not a repeat of Games 1-2 against New York last year? Boston you had Embiid right where you wanted him and you let him off the hook. But hey, it’s one game and you looked past your opponent because you won by 32 in Game 4 and Philly looked all but dead. Just go back to X-Finity Mobile and put them out of their misery.
Game 6: Celtics I have bad news. The Philadelphia Sports Fairy is at full power. Well you can blame the Penguins for failing to pull off a reverse sweep since they got sentenced to a York, PA prison in OT of Game 6 in that series. (That or the Phillies firing Rob Thomson) With that being said, you’re walking into a death sentence. That being a buzzsaw by the Sixers right from the opening tip. Paul George was in a flashback to his days with the Pacers and everything that he and VJ Edgecombe did turned to gold. Nothing Boston did in that game went in their favor, and even worse for them (CRACK!) Jayson Tatum is injured and now will be out of action for Game 7. Oh it’s gonna be one of those days, isn’t it come Saturday Night. But hey you’ve never blown a 3-1 series lead in your history, you’ve played better without Tatum all season long, you’re almost unbeatable in home Game 7s, Philly hasn’t won a win or go home game in said scenario since the Iverson Handicap Series 25 years ago against the Bucks. There’s no way you’re going to mess this up, right?
Game 7: It doesn’t matter that the Sixers held an 18 point lead in the 3rd Quarter, you’re going to pull off the biggest troll job the NBA has seen in decades. See what I mean, Jaylen Brown, Derrick White, and Payton Pritchard are proving to the world that they don’t need Tatum in order to take down their whipping boy to the south. Hell they cut it to a single point with 3.5 minutes to go. The chance to maintain all of those precious narratives is in sight, this will be shades of the Bruins owning the Maple Leafs in a Game 7 at TD Garden. (76ers Theme Song playing) Wait why am I not hearing boss music anymore? No they didn’t? NO THEY DIDN’T! THEY DIDN’T JUST BLOW A 3-1 SERIES LEAD TO A TEAM THEY’VE OWNED MORE THAN ANY OTHER IN THEIR EXISTENCE! THEY DID NOT JUST! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Clap your hands, everybody, for Philadelphia, 76ers, stomp your feet, everybody, for Philadelphia, 76ers.) YOU LOST TO THE SIXERS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! BWA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! The rest of the NBA World has been waiting to dunk on you for years and now they have it. And what better way for that to be the case than by reinforcing a tradition that’s been commonplace to this team since the Doc Rivers Era. PLAYING DOWN TO THEIR COMPETITION! Especially in the playoffs when favored by double digits at home. (Half of their losses came as 10+ point favorites) It doesn’t matter the coach, it doesn’t matter the players, it doesn’t matter what the circumstances are whatsoever. Leprechauns underachieving in the playoffs has been a near 2 decade long tradition. And just like in the early 2010s the blame shouldn’t be placed on the head coach but rather the so-called “Face of the Franchise.” I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Jayson Tatum is the modern day Paul Pierce. A man who gets hyped up and gets all of the accolades only to crumble under pressure and get carried to glory by his supporting cast. (Now you see why I can’t blame Mazzulla. Because when the media labels you the next Larry Bird, you can’t make excuses like this) He’s lucky that he wasn’t playing in Game 7 or else Boston would have been playing HeroBall right from the start and wouldn’t have made that comeback bid. They won that title because his job wasn’t to screw everything up. How’s not bringing back Jrue Holiday, Al Horford, and the Unicorn working for you Brad Stevens? You could have really used those guys especially Holiday in this series. How did he win Executive of the Year over Bobby Webster of the Raptors again? My guess would be because of Anti-Canadian bias.
(Sargasso playing) And I didn’t even get to the funniest part of this whole story. If the 76ers make it all the way to the NBA Finals this year given how weak the Eastern Conference is, as well as destroying every single bad thing said about The Process, or Embiid’s legacy, or being the pre-2018 Capitals of basketball, everyone outside of Boston will be pointing the finger at YOU for not finishing them off when they were all but dead. (The 2021 Bucks would have company in that regard if accomplished) This could very well happen because wait for it the other side of the bracket in the East is a freaking mess. (Whoever wins Detroit-Orlando or Cleveland-Toronto is getting smashed by Philly or New York) Not to mention they’d have to root for the Knicks for the rest of the playoffs to avoid further humiliation. THE KNICKS! Honestly it couldn’t have happened to a better franchise not named the Damn Lakers. Keep gloating about those 18 titles just like Yankees fans do with their 27, most of those all came before the Reagan Administration. Consider this your wake up call Celtics. Now how long until they enter the Giannis sweepstakes and try to make him into Ray Allen 2.0? My guess would be about a week or so. “GO TO THE CHURCH AND ASK GOD TO FORGIVE YOU.”
Bragging Rights Sports 