The following is a special presentation of Bragging Rights Sports:
(Good Morning Baltimore playing)
BRAGGING RIGHTS SPORTS PRESENTS
A MARYLAND CULTURE PRODUCTION
“Ladies and Gentlemen, and friends, and fans, The Baltimore Ravens!” “BALTIMORE!”
“We are here to win, that’s our #1 goal period end of story. And my dream is to wake up in the morning and the Super Bowl Trophy is sitting in my nightstand, in my house and I get to nudge my wife and say look this is ours this is what we earned through our effort. How great will that be?”
“NO WEAPON! NO WEAPON! FORGED AGAINST US! FORGED AGAINST US! SHALL PROSPER! SHALL PROSPER! NO WEAPON! NO WEAPON! FORGED AGAINST US! FORGED AGAINST US! SHALL PROSPER! SHALL PROSPER! IT’S OUR TIME! IT’S OUR TIME! IT’S OUR TIME! IT’S OUR TIME! RIGHT HERE! RIGHT NOW! RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW! RIGHT HERE! RIGHT NOW! WHAT TIME IS IT!? GAME TIME! WHAT TIME IS IT!? GAME TIME! ANY DOGS IN THE HOUSE!? WOO WOO WOO! WOO! ANY DOGS IN THE HOUSE!? WOO WOO WOO! WOO! WHAT TIME IS IT!? GAME TIME! WHAT TIME IS IT!? GAME TIME! ANY DOGS IN THE HOUSE!? WOO WOO WOO!”
“Now begins the journey.” (Michael Hession)
“HELL YEAH COACH LETS GO FOR IT!” (Jennifer Shoemaker)
“What if they told you this was your last football game?” (The Salty Marylander)
“What if they told you this was the last time that you would wear this uniform?” (Poe)
“How would you play?” (Edgar)
“They ain’t gonna give it to you! We gotta take everything that they worked for!” (Allan)
“There’s no place… LIKE BALTIMORE!” (Darkness)
“WHO’S GOT IT BETTER THAN US!? NOOOOOOOOBODY!!!”
CHARM CITY BEASTS!
SEASON 5, EPISODE 5: BEAST-DUNNE MAYLAY: IN WHICH BEASTS ARE INTRODUCED TO A NEW RIVAL
(November 15 2024, Charm City Beasts Headquarters)
“THUNDER………….THUNDER…………..THUNDER……………THUNDER!” Poe: Whistling (I’M STRAIGHT UP JAMMIN’!) Jennifer: Looks like you’re ready for the skit competition this week. Poe: Whistling (Thank you Salty Marylander for ordering Guitar Hero off of GameFly!) Jennifer: I wonder how my handsome prince is going to react to this new addition to the game room? Poe: Whistling (He probably won’t mind too much) Michael: Hey guys… POE WHAT IS THAT!? Poe: Whistling (Guitar Hero) Michael: Where did you get that? Poe: Whistling (The Salty Marylander ordered it off of GameFly the other day, we were getting bored) Michael: I feel like we as a team play way too many video games don’t we? Poe: Whistling (We do. The reasoning was because we needed some new ideas for the Skit Competition especially now that the temperature around here has dropped) Michael: Now I see your point. Well it looks like we’re getting a Guitar Hero Fest this week. Jennifer: Hehehe, and Poe is certainly ready for the challenge. Michael: You better believe it. PAUSE.
Michael: Here’s the skit competition for this week, the Raven Brothers will be playing Guitar Hero, and whoever has the highest score for that particular song wins. Marylander: And what better song for this than the one they play at M&T Bank Stadium when the Ravens come out of the tunnel. Michael: Where The Streets Have No Name? Marylander: Good guess but no. Michael: Oh, that’s right, they also come out to For Whom The Bell Tolls. Marylander: That’s more suitable for this skit. Michael: Also why did you set this up outside instead of inside the Raven Brothers Man Cave? Marylander: Just wait and see. Michael: Ok, normally we’d do a countdown before the skit, but for this week, we have a pre-recorded sound bite from the voice of M&T Bank Stadium Greg Davis which both he and former PA Announcer Bruce Cunningham have been saying since the Bank opened in 1998. Marylander: OH YES! Michael: You birds ready? Raven Bros: Whistling (YES!) “Ladies and Gentlemen… HERE! COME! THE RAVENS!” (For Whom The Bell Tolls playing) (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) Michael: Now I see why you brought us outside. Marylander: I wanted the full introduction, with all the flares and bottle rockets plus the smoke machine. Michael: Ok then, watch this… Now introducing the starting offense. Wide Receiver, #7, Rashod Bateman! (BOOM!) Marylander: My turn. Wide Receiver, #4, Zay Flowers! (BOOM!) Michael: Before we get back to doing some PA impersonations, we must update you that Edgar, and Allan are going blow for blow at the top of the leaderboard, while Poe is treading water, and Darkness has struggled. Marylander: Ok let’s do some more. Michael: 2 Time All Pro, 4 Time Pro Bowler, and 2020 AFC Offensive Player of the Year, Running Back, #22, Derrick Henry! (BOOM!) Marylander: All Pro, and 3 Time Pro Bowler, Tight End, #89, Mark Andrews! (BOOM!) Michael/Marylander: 2 Time NFL Most Valuable Player, 2 Time All Pro, And 3 Time Pro Bowler, Quarterback, #8, LAMAR JACKSON! (BOOM! BOOM!) Jennifer: Not to interrupt you, but this is getting very tight. Michael: Poe and Darkness have come back, Edgar is in a bit of a slide, can he wake up? Marylander: COME GET SOME! (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) Poe: Whistling (I never knew we’d have to do this with fireworks smoke surrounding us.) Marylander: That was my idea, Poe. Michael: Anyways, let’s see how everyone did? Marylander: Drum roll! Michael: EDGAR TAKES THE PRIZE THIS WEEK! (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) Jennifer: He took the lead early on and he didn’t let up. Michael: I’m surprised that you’re not doing the interview questions. Jennifer: Well Edgar wanted to be interviewed by his bestie so I said sure. Michael: Not to mention you’ve had a long work week. Jennifer: I can’t wait to go to the beach in Cali for Thanksgiving. Michael: Same. The Raven Brothers will be enjoying themselves big time. Anyways, let’s send it over to the Salty Marylander who’s with Edgar. Marylander: Eddie, take me through your thought process of rocking yourself crazy. Edgar: Whistling (Well I haven’t won a skit since the opening week, and I wanted to take all of my frustration out on that guitar which is what I did) Marylander: How does this victory propel you into the surfing skit next week at Huntington Beach? Edgar: Whistling (This is huge, I don’t want to lose again, I want to prove that last year was fluke and that I’m the best surfer among my brothers) Marylander: Thanks Eddie. Michael: Oh here it comes. You knew that they were going to do their little handshake. Marylander/Edgar: SHAKE AND BAKE! PAUSE.
Michael: Oh mama I’m in fear for my life from the long arm of the law. HangMan is coming down from the gallows and I don’t have very long because Yinzers. Marylander: ITS THAT WEEK ISN’T IT! Michael: Yes it is Salty Marylander, and this year’s edition of Ravens vs Steelers will be reminiscent of another era. From how I see it, this could be what Yankees vs Red Sox was in 2003 and 2004. Marylander: Why do you say that? Michael: Because of what has happened between these two teams since this past March. Marylander: Once the Steelers poached he who shall not be named, it appears as if everything has heated up again! Michael: And speaking of Patrick Queen, he said this week that the Ravens didn’t even offer him a contract to come back for 2024. Marylander: I don’t blame them one bit because Trenton Simpson was waiting in the wings last year. Michael: It sucks that he got poached by Pittsburgh, but at least Simpson is showing signs of life. Marylander: If our pass rush and pass defense could get out of their slump that would be great. Michael: Not to mention he said that the food in Pittsburgh and culture of the Steelers organization was significantly better than that of the Ravens. Marylander: WE KNOW THE FOOD IS NOT BETTER! AND WE KNOW THE CITY IS NOT BETTER! Michael: That’s right, Salty Marylander. I like how you quoted Arthur Maulet who by the way is a former Steeler. Marylander: YEAH BABY! Michael: It’s just too bad that he won’t play because he got hurt in practice this week. Marylander: I know. Michael: Speaking of former Steelers, Diontae Johnson was bashed by Mike Tomlin this week that he’s not on a lot of their video, that he has no idea what Johnson might mean to the matchup. Tomlin also stated that the Boys in Purple have more significant pieces with larger roles that are occupying his attention for this game. Marylander: Don’t be surprised if he turns back the clock to 2021 and makes a few key plays that are vital to the outcome of the game. Johnson on the other hand stated that the feelings will be quite different, but as long as the Ravens pull out a win he’ll be satisfied. Marylander: YOU GOT THIS DIONTAE! Michael: Salty Marylander, you’ll enjoy this next headline. (BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!) (Steelers DeShon Elliott throws Marlon Humphrey, and Jack Settleman under the bus with aggressive comments on Punchline Podcast) Marylander: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! “SHOTS! FIRED! Shots Fired, Shots Fired, Shots Fired, SHOTS FIRED! SHOTS FIRED! SHOTS! SHOTS! FIRED!” PAUSE.
(World War III playing) Michael: THIS IS WHAT RAVENS VS STEELERS IS ALL ABOUT! Both of these teams despite having massive amounts of respect for one another are so desperate to beat each other up any chance they get! Marylander: DeShon Elliott like Patrick Queen has become the perfect patsy in this town, BECAUSE HE PLAYS FOR THE STEELERS! AND HE’S DEAD TO US! Michael: Taking a page out of what Lamar said this past offseason to both PQ and Geno Stone. Marylander: And Glenn Stout who was a longtime Red Sox writer who said this same thing about Harry Frazee in an HBO Documentary because he traded Babe Ruth to the Damn Yankees. Michael: I like it. You’ve done your homework haven’t you? Marylander: Yes I have! UP TOP! (BOOM!) Michael: Back to what I was saying about the so-called Joker, Elliott stated that the Ravens didn’t want to keep him because they went big game hunting for Marcus Williams back in 2022. Marylander: Well he was coming off a season ending torn pec in 2021, and we thought we could get better at free safety. Michael: If only Marcus Williams didn’t suffer the same injury last year and get surgery that would have been great. Marylander: I really hope he makes that Joker eat his words. Michael: Then Elliott said that players who leave the Ravens usually get better because they aren’t held back by the coaching staff. Marylander: WHEN HAS THAT EVER BEEN TRUE! I know we love to bash Harbaugh a lot, but rarely do you see players succeed outside the hive. Michael: The only ones I can think of are ZaDarius Smith, Darren Waller, CJ Mosley, Matt Judon, and Priest Holmes. Marylander: Mosley, and ZaDarius because of the salary cap in 2018-19, Waller was cut by us in 2018, Holmes was traded for Elvis Grbac, URK! Michael: Not to mention Judon left because he had a grudge on Steve Saunders. Marylander: Don’t blame him one bit. Also didn’t we try bringing back ZaDarius in 2022? Michael: Yes, but then Jacksonville decided to drink stupid juice and overpay for Foye Oluokun which caused him to back out for the Vikings. Marylander: Now I see why he keeps mocking us, but it wasn’t our fault, IT’S THOSE DAMN CLOWNS IN DUVAL! Michael: Yup. Finally Elliott told Marlon Humphrey that one day he would join the Steel Curtain. Marylander: We all know what he’s going to say. Raven Bros: Whistling (HELL TO THE NO!) Michael: Thank you Raven Brothers. The biggest news this week was from a Yinzer whisperer who just happens to be one of the biggest faces in sports media. (BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!) (Stephen A Smith lies about Lamar Jackson’s MVP Status, Jackson calls him out on Twitter) Marylander: SHOCKING! PAUSE.
Michael/Marylander: SHOT THROUGH THE HEART! AND YOU’RE TO BLAME! YOU GIVE LOVE A BAD NAME! LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Marylander: Why in the world would Stephen A put this out. Questioning Planet LJ with what he’s accomplished is one thing, but to say that his camp is going to question his MVP status if he falls to 1-4 in his career against the Steelers is completely ridiculous. Michael: Exactly Marylander: Here’s what I want to know, WHY AREN’T YOU GIVING JARED GOFF, JOSH ALLEN, JOE BURROW, AND KYLER MURRAY THE SAME DAMN TREATMENT! Michael: It’s because they hate the Ravens for what Art Modell did to Cleveland, and they all want to be right about Lamar’s status coming out of Louisville. Marylander: If anyone is a bigger liar about Lamar it’s Bill Polian, and he’s been wrong about him ever since. Michael: Good way to put it. I really hope he wins us a ring. Marylander: All of the negative talk around him and this team is similar to what we went through with Joe Flacco. Michael: Like I said, the Modell thing ticks most football fans and media members off, and then there are those like Jeff Saturday and Tim Hasselbeck who got cut by the Ravens in training camp at one point of their careers, and have been hating us ever since. Marylander: Not to mention the NFL knows that we’re the biggest threat to another Taylor Swift Super Bowl, so they’re going to make it as difficult for us to make it back to New Orleans as possible. Michael: I know, and if we want to relive 2012, WE MUST BEAT THOSE DAMN STEELERS! Marylander: DAMN RIGHT! PAUSE.
“We interrupt this program to inform you that the rest of this episode features the Charm City Beasts being introduced to their next great rival who has an army that rivals the Swiftie Empire, and their leader is another mega star who wants to conquer said Swiftie Empire and stake claim as the Greatest Empire in the Land. God help us all.” PAUSE.
(November 16 2024, Charm City Beasts Headquarters)
(VROOOOOM! VROOOOOM!) Poe: Whistling (Take that Jennifer) Jennifer: Why did you just bump me off the course! Michael: Well he’s trying to keep up with me for first place. Jennifer: I HATE RAINBOW ROAD! Michael: I do too, but at least I’m not super aggressive unless I fall behind. Jennifer: Well it looks like Poe is not going to win unless Michael gets blue shelled. Michael: UUUUUUUUUUUUGH! Poe: Whistling (YIPPEE!) Michael: YOU LUCKY RASCAL! Poe: Whistling (Beat you at your own game!) Michael: You did indeed. (KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!) Jennifer: I wonder who’s at the door? Michael: Let’s go out there and check. Salty Marylander, don’t open that door please. Marylander: Why? Michael: I don’t know, but just remain calm. Jennifer: Are you ok? Michael: I’m alright, but I’ve seen this situation before, and it usually means trouble. Jennifer: I see. (KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!) Michael: Whoever this is really wants me to answer that door, don’t they? (WHOOSH!) (Fanfare playing) Troopers: Hello! Here is an acceptance letter to our army, join us as we attempt to overtake the Mighty Swiftie Empire. Our master wants you to report to our fortress in approximately 24 hours. Michael: Uh, same? (WHOOSH!)
(Bad playing) Marylander: Who was that? Michael: Guys, WE’RE GOING ON A MISSION! Jennifer: OH I LOVE THESE DRAMATIC MISSIONS! Michael: Well Jennifer, you’re gonna enjoy this one. Jennifer: Hehehe MWWWWWWWWWWA! Michael: I knew you were going to kiss me right on the cheek. Anyways, from what I can tell, we’ve been recruited by a Pittsburgh based crew to help them try and overtake the Swiftie Empire. Allan: Whistling (WHAT?) Michael: No, I’m not kidding you guys. Luckily we’re not going to listen to this crap. Jennifer: We’re going to overtake the Swiftie Empire by ourselves, and help would be nice, but we’re doing this on our own to restore peace, not to allow some mastermind to establish unlimited control. Michael: Based on what this packet I have is telling me, the person behind this is someone who, unlike Taylor Swift, has been flying under the radar and now has the chance to overtake her if she plays this out properly. Allan: Whistling (Who would that be?) (DA! DA! DAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!) Michael: LIVVY DUNNE! Beasts: WHAAAAAAAAAAAT! Marylander: Isn’t she the gymnast from LSU? Darkness: Whistling (Why would someone from LSU have any connections with Pittsburgh) Jennifer: Because her boyfriend Paul Skenes just so happens to play for the Pittsburgh Pirates. Raven Bros: Whistling (HEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! OH! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! STOMP THAT TIGER’S THICK KICKS!) Michael: Watch your beaks Raven Brothers! I know that’s what LSU fans chant during every game in Death Valley, but we’re not allowed to cuss on this program. Poe: Whistling (We said thick kicks not you know what) Michael: You get my point Poe. What were you saying again, Salty Marylander? Marylander: So because of Skenes playing in Pittsburgh, she probably became a massive Steelers fan, AND RIGHT NOW SHE IS BUILDING A MACHINE THAT IS TRYING TO COMPLETELY OVERTAKE OUR GREATEST NEMESIS! Michael: Salty Marylander, I don’t know about you on this next take, but this situation is absolutely perfect for us. Marylander: How so? Jennifer: If we can rise the flock up and conquer both the Swiftie Empire and the Dunne Dynasty, the name Charm City Beasts could be forever immortalized among the great hero teams of our time. Poe: Whistling (I feel inspired by that possibility) Edgar: Whistling (IT’S TIME TO OWN THE MOMENT!) Michael: Then what do you guys think? Marylander: BRING IT ON LIVVY! Michael: There you go Salty Marylander! Right now I’m going to call up that RV company that helped get us to Kansas City for that sneak attack 10 weeks ago so that they can come down to our headquarters to pick us in a few hours, BECAUSE WE’RE ABOUT TO GO STRAIGHT TO YINZERLAND TO KICK SOME SERIOUS DONKEY! Jennifer: THEY SHOULD NEVER EVER MESS WITH US! Beasts: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
(November 17 2024, Dunne Fortress, Pittsburgh, PA)
“See the danger signs, sneaking up from behind, they’re like telling you what to say. Looks like you’ve lost control, it’s going up and on your soul, I can see it coming from a mile away. SAVING THE DAY! SAVING THE DAY! When you get too close, oh it’s driving you insane. SAVING THE DAY! SAVING THE DAY!” (WHOOSH!) Michael: Alright we’re here. Now we gotta find a way to get in. Jennifer: I see the entrance is that way, should we go in. Michael: Yes, but quietly. (KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!) Jennifer: Why are you knocking on the door? Marylander: Because they knocked on our door, so we’ll knock on theirs. (ZAP!) Beasts: LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL! “Motion man is Flowers, handoff, Henry, turns it upfield, very close to a 1st Down. LOSES THE BALL! Cough up by Henry, and the Steelers have it.” Poe: Whistling (Now you see why we shouldn’t have knocked on the door) Michael: Yup, and now their fortress defense is going to try and shoot us down. (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) “And he knocks it through, Ravens limit the damage after the turnover. Steelers take the 3-0 lead.” Allan: Whistling (Their cannonballs are made out of steel from it sounds like) Michael: Yeah, they just destroyed our RV. Darkness: Whistling (How are we going to get home now) Jennifer: We have the teleportation remotes and collars. Darkness: Whistling (Oooh right. Thank goodness) Michael: Now we gotta find some way to shoot down those cannons.
(BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) “Fake the pitch, Jackson, sets, throws, it’s on time, connection made, Isaiah Likely.” Marylander/Edgar: SHAKE AND BAKE! Michael: From what it looks like they’ve got 20 different troopers with cannons up there. Jennifer: MICHAEL, LOOK! Michael: Oh, they hung a giant key to get in from the top of the fortress. Jennifer: And we have magnets with us. Allan: Whistling (It’s too bad we don’t have a giant one like our dreaded rivals the Swifties) Michael: Allan, positive vibes only. I want to see if we can pull this thing down with just one magnet. (WHOOSH!) “The most accurate kicker in NFL History, and the kick, no good.” Jennifer: Ugh! We were able to move it, but it didn’t go far. Michael: Lets try that again but with a second magnet. Jennifer: Sounds good. Poe, how are we doing over there? Poe: Whistling (We’re starting to bash those cannons from the top of the fortress) “Harris is in, and Harris is stopped. Ravens take over!” Michael: LETS GO! Looks like our paintball guns have been working well today. Edgar: Whistling (Good choice boss) Michael: Thanks Edgar. Hey Jenn. Jennifer: Yes my love? Michael: I think we should try to go for the magnet, but this time we’ll use two magnets. Jennifer: Ok then. If you don’t succeed, well try again until you make it. Michael: Agreed. (WHOOSH!) Jennifer: Almost there, keep on moving. (WHOOSH!) “He had been Mr Automatic throughout his career. 50 yarder, Tucker, the struggles are real.” Michael/Jennifer: DANG IT! Michael: We’ve almost completely lowered the key to us, but two isn’t enough. Jennifer: I think we’re going to need one of the others to help us. Michael: Agreed. “We haven’t had that big explosive run from either side, denting them in terms of the tailbacks. And Wilson gets enveloped!” Jennifer: At least we’re taking out a bunch of their cannons up there. Michael: That’s great, but we need the key to get in. (BOOM!) “Boswell has been amazing here at home, at Acrisure, other kickers have struggled, Boswell does not.” Jennifer: OUCH! Michael: Are you ok? Jennifer: Yeah, I just stung by a bee. Michael: Oh great! Now we’ve gotta deal with bees as well. Jennifer: Luckily I brought some UltraClutch Hairspray, wait for it… with chemicals that are insect proof. Michael: Um, now that’s a clever idea! SPRAY EM OFF! (WHOOSH!) “Handoff, Henry, Derrick Henry, tripped up the 30.” Jennifer: UP TOP! (BOOM!) Michael: I think I see that there’s a chain strapped to that key. If we can vanquish that from the key, I think we can grab it. Jennifer: Ok then. I shoot, you use the magnet to bring it down once it’s let go from the chains. Michael: Sounds like a plan. (BOOM!) “Extra offensive linemen, they go tight, handoff, Henry, slams it in there for the touchdown.” Jennifer: YES! Looks like that chain has been removed. Now if I can just activate the magnet we’re good to go… (BOOOOOOOM!) “Rush coming, Jackson, dump off, catch is made by Likely, AND THE BALL JARED LOOSE! STEELERS JUMP ON TOP OF IT!” Jennifer: OH GREAT! Now we’re stuck in a thunderstorm. Michael: Well the Raven Brothers nearly got zapped by a strike of lightning. Jennifer: URK!
“It’s a 32 yard attempt for Chris Boswell, nails it.” Marylander: HOW MANY CANNONS DO THEY HAVE! Edgar: Whistling (I don’t know, but we have to find some way to get in.) Poe: Whistling (We can’t get in until all of their cannons are destroyed, and we have a key to get in that door) Darkness: Whistling (Yikes) (WHOOSH!) “Steelers trying to add to their lead, made a 59 yarder in warmups, Boswell drives it, and he connects!” Allan: Whistling (I think I’ve figured it out) Marylander: What is it Allan? Allan: Whistling (Every time we destroy a cannon of theirs, they swap it out for a new one) Marylander: Oooh. Now that’s smart on their part. Michael: Salty Marylander, you there? Marylander: Yes chief what do you have? Michael: Can you send Poe over here please? Marylander: Sure. Poe Poe. Poe: Whistling (Yes buddy) Marylander: Michael and Jennifer need your help to bring down the key. Poe: Whistling (Ok, I brought a magnet thank goodness) Michael: What’s up Poe. Poe: Whistling (Hey there you two) Jennifer: No time for romantic thoughts about me and Michael, we need to get that key! Poe: Whistling (My bad) Michael: It’s all good. Time to get that key. (WHOOSH!) “Missed one from 47, missed one from 50. Kick on the way, Tucker, has got it.” Poe: Whistling (WE GOT THE KEY!) Michael: No time for jumping around, we need to get inside right now. Guys, we’ve got the key. Raven Bros: Whistling (LETS GO!) Jennifer: Now if I can get this straightened out. (REEEEEEEEEEEEK!) Michael: Guys, let’s do this.
Henchgirl 1: Livvy. Livvy: Yes, what is it? Henchgirl 1: We have intruders coming into our fortress. Livvy: Oh great, is it those dreaded Swifties? Henchgirl 1: No they’re dressed in purple and black from what we can tell. Livvy: Wait a minute! Is that who I think it is? Attention Dunne Dynasty! We have found the highly regarded heroes from Baltimore. Troopers: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Livvy: YOUR DAYS ARE NUMBERED TAY-TAY!
Michael: Now where exactly is the palace inside this fortress? Jennifer: It’s probably on Floor 23. Marylander: Of course it’s floor 23, that is the year that LSU won the Natty in College Baseball. Pirates: ARRRRRRR! Michael: Another pirate battle? Poe: Whistling (Looks like we never left Tampa at all) Michael: Lets show Skenes and his army of pirates that they are no match for the Charm City Beasts! Marylander/Raven Bros: ARRRRRRRR! (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) “Wilson, it’s a moon shot, and it’s caught by Pickens!” Poe: Whistling (I didn’t know you could shoot baseballs out of cannons) Michael: Those look like they are special guns. (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) “27 yards, Boswell, it’s good.” Edgar: Whistling (I took a hard sword to the head, but I’m ok) Michael: Yeah, I wonder where they got those baseball cannon guns? Jennifer: I don’t know but, we’ve got just the thing to make them under our control. Marylander: THE MAGNET! “Wilson steps up, spins around, Wilson avoids it, Wilson looks, A FLOATER! INTERCEPTED! Marlon Humphrey!” Michael: Good night Skenes! (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) (WHOOSH!) Skenes: CURSE YOU! PAUSE.
Livvy: Now where are those heroes that we were all talking about. They’ve got to be somewhere near the main palace. Raven Bros: Whistling (HEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! OH! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! R! A! V! E! N! S!) (Renegade playing) Henchgirl 2: THERE THEY ARE! Livvy: MY PEOPLE, MAY I PRESENT TO YOU! THE BALTIMOREAN HEROES THAT WILL HELP US OVERTAKE THE SWIFTIE EMPIRE! Troopers: YAAAAAAAAAAAA! Michael: WHAT ARE YOU GUYS CHEERING ABOUT!? Livvy: They’re cheering because you guys are the final piece to helping us overcome Taylor Swift and her insufferable empire. Michael: I’m not falling for this crap Livvy. I had to put up with the Mafian Horde trying to do the same thing only for us to embarrass them when they tried invading the biggest mall in Baltimore. Livvy: Why? It would be superfun to watch us take down the Swifties together. Jennifer: Why would a team of superheroes from Baltimore ever help a Pittsburgh based army at anything. Livvy: First of all, you look exactly like me whenever I had a gymnastics meet at LSU. Jennifer: Thanks, I never did gymnastics, but I did have an outfit picked out for this just so I could throw you and your crew off guard. Michael: She does this a lot to our enemies and most of the time it’s worked out. Jennifer: When you’re heavily invested into the fashion industry like I am, you’ve gotta pull out all the stops. Livvy: I like that. Second of all. I’ve heard great things about you guys. I was inspired by what you did this past April when you guys escaped from the Swift Airship after being captured by them in January. I was impressed with how you completely dismantled the Mafian Horde back in September, and last week you guys were amazing against the Queen City Gangsters. No one could have imagined that y’all were able to shoot down that giant robot of theirs that was stomping all the way around Baltimore. Michael: You’ve heard of us? Livvy: Yes, you guys were all over the Pittsburgh news because had those gangsters from Cincinnati taken you guys down, they were going to try and invade our fortress next. And when I saw that, I was like, I need them to come to Pittsburgh so I can see them. Jennifer: Wow, you dodged a bullet. That captain and his crazed up crew were very annoying. I’ll give you that. Livvy: We did indeed dodge a bullet because I’d be fighting them right now if you hadn’t defeated them. Now please, we need your help more than anything. Michael: Nope, not at all. Livvy: Why not, are you afraid to succeed?
Michael: That has nothing to do with not wanting to succeed. Livvy: How so? Michael: I’ve seen this same movie play out before Livvy. Look at how the Swiftie Empire, the force that both of us are trying to overtake, became what it is today? Livvy: What did they do to gain power? Michael: In order to stake their claim, they had to overcome a powerful army known as the Philadelphian Psychos who had gangsters everywhere you look. Livvy: Wow, I did not know that. Michael: When they took them down after three days of battling each other, everyone around the country thought that Tay-Tay was the great hero the world needed. Instead she and her army developed the same levels of arrogance and evilness that the Psychos had and soon began invading other cities for teenage girls with incredible God given talent. Hell they took around 100 Maryland residents while they invaded Baltimore last January and injected them with fire arrows which converted them into troopers. And they nearly did the same to us, but Taylor was better off having us sit in a jail cell for 6 weeks, than being part of their army. Livvy: Now that is surprising. So she didn’t turn you guys into Swifties? Jennifer: Well that’s because one of her main Henchmen Tony McCord was my ex boyfriend. Livvy: Ouch, that had to hurt. Jennifer: Duh, I was the only one that wasn’t captured because T-Swift almost forced me to marry McCord, only for the prince that’s standing next to me, to blast him to death after they all broke out of their cells. Michael: And that’s also not including my longtime nemesis Jaden Smith who got poached by the Swifties during their raid on Philadelphia which is where this whole thing started. Jennifer: Plus they took his middle school crush as well. Michael: Yes Jennifer, but that’s a whole nother conversation. Livvy: Hehehehe. Michael: Anyways, I’m warning you. What happened to the Swifties could very well happen to you if you overtake them. Livvy: Trust me we won’t make the same mistakes. Marylander: BUT YOU WILL BECAUSE YOU BUILT AN ARMY THE EXACT SAME WAY THAT TAY-TAY DID! Livvy: So? Michael: He’s right. Look at us for example. We don’t have the giant army that you and Taylor Swift have, but what we have going for us is hard work, dedication, and the will to win. I know myself, Jennifer, and the Salty Marylander all have incredible talent, and are super tough but look at the Raven Brothers. They’re mascots for crying out loud, yet each of them have put in the work, and have been better off. Poe: Whistling (Thanks buddy) Livvy: I see you, but stacking everything always succeeds. Marylander: NO IT DOESN’T! Michael: Settle down my man. Livvy: Hey since we’re arguing with each other, let’s make a deal. Jennifer: What’s the deal, that I challenge you to a rhythmic gymnastics contest, since both of us have that kind of outfit on right now? Livvy: Indeed it is. Michael: Oh great.
Jennifer: I wonder what the consequences will be. Livvy: If you win, we won’t bother you any longer, but if I win, you will give me a $10,000 loan as part of the construction of a battle fortress in Baton Rouge. Deal? Michael: Deal! Jennifer, as much as I love, I must say you’ve got your work cut out for you. Jennifer: I know, but I’m going to give it my best shot. Michael: That’s what I want to hear. Hey Poe, go long. “Jackson, deep drop, timing route, drops it in the bucket, caught by Hill. Steelers fighting for the football, they come away with it!” Michael: You just had to have one of your troopers steal the ball from Poe didn’t you. Henchgirl 3: My bad. I thought you were throwing it right to me. Michael: Well I did. Jennifer: Guys enough playing catch, I want you guys to watch us perfect our craft. Poe: Whistling (Oh, right) Jennifer: I’ll go first since I’m the underdog. “Snap it, Wilson, long ball, looking, ENDZONE! Incomplete.” Livvy: Hm, now that was impressive. Jennifer: For a novice gymnast, doing a triple backflip up in the air to end the routine is no small feat. Alright, show me your moves. Michael: Oh good lord what is she doing up on the balcony? “Boswell, he’s got it.” Allan: Whistling (WOW!) Michael: A five flip landing from the balcony. Jennifer: I don’t know if I can challenge that. Salty Marylander! Marylander: Yes. Jennifer: You and Edgar grab a trampoline. Livvy: Oh, we’re going to play that game I see. I wonder how many flips each of us can do. Jennifer: Game on! (BOING!) “Jackson, slings it, endzone! Touchdown Baltimore! Zay Flowers.” Michael: LETS GOOOOO! Although I don’t know if 6 flips in midair is going to be enough. Poe: Whistling (I’m not so sure) Livvy: I won’t be. (BOING!) “Jackson, keeping it, Jackson faking, Jackson tosses! Incomplete! The pressure was there.” Livvy: TA DA! Troopers: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Jennifer: Ugh, I give up, you’re too good. Livvy: Thank you. Michael: Alright here’s the $10,000 dollar check. Livvy: Thank you so much. It was nice having you guys come see us. Michael: Yeah you too. Livvy: When are you guys available? Michael: Um why do you ask? Livvy: I was thinking that I would come to your place to spend the weekend talking about how either of us can beat the Swifties. Michael: We’re not available until the weekend before Christmas, but I’m letting you come on one condition. Livvy: What’s that? Michael: You must be on your best behavior. Ok. Livvy: Great, see you then. Michael: Same. (DRAMATIC MUSIC!) Livvy: Hehehehehe PAUSE.
(November 19 2024, Charm City Beasts Headquarters)
Marylander: HOW COULD THEY DO THIS! I told them, I told Michael and Jennifer. LIVVY DUNNE CANNOT BE TRUSTED! Poe: Whistling (Well Livvy was trying to be very friendly to them, and is looking for advice on how to defeat the most powerful army in the world) Marylander: She took advantage is what she did Poe. She saw an opportunity and went for it, AN OPPORTUNITY TO DESTROY US ONCE AND FOR ALL!!! Poe: Whistling (Well, okay then) Michael: Salty Marylander, I know you’ll disagree with me, but this is a perfect setup. Marylander: IN WHAT WAY! Michael: Because like you just said, the Dunne Dynasty is going to try and bury us since we didn’t agree to join forces with them. Jennifer: I didn’t agree with this at first, but now I fully understand why Michael did this. Marylander: WAS HE TRYING TO BE NICE TO HER! Michael: Sort of, I didn’t want to risk getting into a clash considering that their whole army was surrounding us, and if I did backtalk her, they would have attacked us. Allan: Whistling (I get it. You played this out the way you should) Michael: Thanks Allan, although the Salty Marylander doesn’t like this one bit because in his eyes we’ve given the Dunne Dynasty a chance to blow our cover off. (When Doves Cry playing) BUT WE’RE NOT LETTING THAT HAPPEN TO US ON OUR SOIL! Darkness: Whistling (Oh boy, I wonder what this whole thing is all about) Michael: From how I see it, Livvy is plotting a secret plan of attacking the Inner Harbor and Fort McHenry like the Swifties did back in January. Jennifer: Michael’s right. When we agreed for her to come over to our headquarters the weekend before Christmas, I knew that this was all a lie and that this would be the declaration of war. Michael: We’re already at war with the Swiftie Empire even though we haven’t battled them in a couple of months, and this would only add even more fuel to the fire. Jennifer: Hold on a second I want to hear this. Michael: Ok.
TV Anchor: This just in, we have major breaking news at this hour. The Swiftie Empire has suffered defeat as they’ve fallen in the Battle of Niagara against the Mafian Horde. Even though there is still a long way to go in this war of armies and a certain superhero team in Baltimore, this could shift the balance of power over to the army from Buffalo. Marylander: WOW! The army we absolutely destroyed back in late September when they tried invading the Harborplace Mall, just straight up bullied the Swifties. Poe: Whistling (Isn’t the person under the Mafia Man mascot head Hailee Steinfeld?) Edgar: Whistling (Yes it is Poe) Michael: So with that being said. Now I see why the Dunne Dynasty wants us to join them. Because they’ve recognized that Tay-Tay and that insufferable crew that she has are down for the count. Marylander: BUT WE’RE NOT JOINING THOSE YINZERS! Michael: Well Livvy is not a Yinzer, but the majority of her army is just that. Marylander: You get my point boss. Michael: I do. And with that being said. I think we must bring out the Blackout gear for this battle next month. Raven Bros: Whistling (YAAAAAAAAAAA!) Jennifer: Actually I have a better idea. Marylander: What would that be? Jennifer: Well sort of. Poe: Whistling (Its time) Jennifer: I’ve talked to Michael about this, and we originally were going to do this whenever we crossed paths with the Swifties again, but now that the Dunne Dynasty is probably going to attack us in December, I think Poe and I have something we’d like to share. Edgar: Whistling (Oh brother) Jennifer: Michael, Edgar, Allan, Darkness, and the Salty Marylander, you guys can still wear your Blackout gear for this. Allan: Whistling (Good) Poe: Whistling (But Jennifer and I are pulling out all the stops) Michael: Hm, I know exactly what you’re talking about. Marylander: Just tell us what those two are wearing? Michael: What they’re wearing can best be described like this. Jennifer: MUSIC! (BOOM!) Michael: NO ONE MOURNS THE WICKED! (POP POP!) Jennifer: NO ONE CRIES THEY WON’T RETURN! (POP POP!) Poe: Whistling (NO ONE LAYS A LILLY ON THEIR GRAVE!) (POP POP POP POP!) Michael: THE DEAD MAN SCORNS THE WICKED! (POP POP!) Jennifer: THROUGH THE LIVES OUR CHILDREN LEARNED! (POP POP!) Poe: Whistling (WHAT WE MISS! WHEN WE MISBEHAVE!) (BOOM!) Darkness: Whistling (Wow. Now that’s a bold move) Jennifer: I’m going to dress up like I’m Glinda from Wicked and we’re going to see the debut of Elpha-Poe as well. Poe: Whistling (Livvy is going to flip out when she sees this) Michael: Yup. The idea behind this was when it was originally designed for the Swifties, it was to tell Tay-Tay that we don’t care that you have the most powerful army in the world since we’re about to end your reign of terror. Jennifer: This time, the idea is to convince the Dunne Dynasty that we’re not interested in joining them, and also that anything that is regarding someone or something with Pittsburgh connections is not safe in this town. Marylander: WE’RE STRAIGHT UP GOING TO BASH THOSE YINZER CREEPS! Michael: Yes we are Salty Marylander. Edgar: Whistling (Even though Jennifer and Poe will be in different attire, thank you for letting the rest of us wear our Blackout outfits for this battle) Michael: I know, and I didn’t want to be Fiyero either because I too would have had to change my attire. BUT THAT’S NOT WHO I AM! Allan: Whistling (That’s my leader!) Michael: My true love may be the definition of dress to impress, but your boy is the definition of athletic gear and having on Ravens merchandise for these big clashes. Darkness: Whistling (You get em) Michael: Thanks Darkness. Anyways, pack your things guys. We’re heading out to LA tomorrow. Raven Bros: Whistling (LETS GOOOOOOOO!)
(CHARM CITY BEASTS)
Bragging Rights Sports 