Before we begin we need to set a few things straight. First of all send the Bears and Broncos into the elimination room.
Bears/Broncos ELIMINATED (NO SOUP FOR YOU CHICAGO AND DENVER!): One team is in a tank year, and the other is trapped as they got the reverse Herschel Walker Trade. Pity. Now let’s get to the games.
Raiders vs Rams: Baker Mayfield has had a rough go. A previous experiment in Carolina did not go the way he thought it would. You know who needs a quick fix at QB? The Rams. They can’t tank because Detroit owns their 1st 2 picks in next year’s draft, and Matt Stafford may never play in the NFL again. So LA picked him up to give him a chance. Against Vegas it was not looking good early. Not only did RaiderNation take over SoFi again, they jumped out to a 16-3 lead. The only reason why this isn’t worse is because Josh McDaniels can’t manage a game clock inside the 20 yard line. Even with all this, the media will find some way to call McDaniels a good coach. BOOM! I take that back. Somehow, someway the Raiders defense allowed Baker, and a struggling Rams offense to wake up. They got back in it. Even if Derek Carr and company failed to run out the clock, they pinned LA at their own 2. There’s no way that Baker is going to go 98 yards against a team trying to get in the playoffs. (DRAMATIC MUSIC) But he does. Raiders with this, your 5th blown double digit lead of the season give all kinds of false hope to Pokemon McVay. Yes there was REFBALL, but the NFL wants LA to win because of ratings. They tried all season for that to be the case but hey they at least get this bounty. And there go your playoff hopes. At least you haven’t been sentenced to the elimination room yet. That may be coming.
Eagles vs Giants: The Giants at one point were 7-2 and had an outstanding chance of winning the division. It’s too bad that their good karma early in the season was used up. They got mauled by the Lions, they got mauled by Dallas on Thanksgiving, they tied the Commies, and now get mauled at home by Philly. The Eagles needed to put some distance between them and the Cowboys. And they did just that. Just like nearly every game of the season, a team fails to understand that you can’t play the Birds offense soft. Because it’ll burn you. G-Men you were warned by Marylanders about Wink Martindale. This kind of game is why the Ravens didn’t want to renew his contract. And with a tough schedule to end the year, they could be out of the playoffs entirely. Speaking of the playoffs, the Eagles are the first ones to clinch.
Eagles: QUALIFIED (HOORAY!): They benefited from a tank year, and 3 teams being desperate and got the rewards of a season like this. I won’t go that much farther. The new age of 2012 in Baltimore must live on. Speaking of which…
Ravens vs Steelers: Thank god, I don’t care that the Ravens were down to a 3rd stringer in Anthony Brown, getting out of Pittsburgh with a win is huge. I’ll let CCB explain the rest.
Browns vs Bengals: THE BROWNIES! Yes they’ve won 5 straight against Cincinnati, but Joe Burrow one of these times is gonna get them. That just happened to be the case today. The Bengals took advantage of Kevin Stefanski being way too cocky with playcalling, and execution. Cincy didn’t have 2 of their better receivers, and they still made it look easy. Deshaun Watson Welcome to the AFC North. This is not Clemson, and this is not the weak AFC South. You get to play 3 teams twice a year that’ll beat the hell out of you. This was what I feared would happen for the Browns. Well Cleveland deserved it. How will things get worse for Watson? They get Baltimore next week, and the Ravens defense has owned him just like Anarumu has. (Anarumu was also with the Ravens) I can only imagine how much salt will come out of the Dawg Pound if Sashi Brown gets his revenge for Haslam low balling him. Bengals enjoy the win, man that the race for the division is getting tight.
Jaguars vs Titans: Tennessee should be pressing that large panic button. The insurmountable lead they had on the AFC South is in danger. Why? Jacksonville has just unleashed the dragon. That dragon is Trevor Lawrence. He and his receivers were able to pick apart a defense that was supposed to be one of the most underrated in football. But that wasn’t the biggest key of the game. You know what was? King Henry XXII somehow fumbling with the Titans up by 1. After that, the Jags dominated and put Ryan Tannehill and company on lockdown. I must say Doug Pederson has done a really good job in his 1st year in Duval. They went from a clownshow to possibly winning the division. I know they get Dallas next week, but if they can beat them there’s a really good chance that they’ll somehow make the playoffs. Imagine saying that over Thanksgiving. Speaking of the Cowboys…
Texans vs Cowboys: Dallas like the Titans should also be pressing the panic button. Houston may be the worst team but if there is one thing that they care about at this moment it is staking their claim as the King of Texas. It’ll also help that both Kellen Moore and Dak Prescott clearly looked past their opponent. Something that I thought was impossible going into the game was reality. The Texans are leading in Dallas at halftime. And even if Houston is fumbling any chance they get at pulling off the upset, the Cowboys can’t do anything either. But here’s where this game becomes worthy of FOOTBALL FOLLIES. Both teams would make it to the 1 yard line on long drives. Neither of them would score points. Dallas in particular is lucky that they pulled off a goal line stand to counter the one that the Texans made unless this game would be over. And with the chance that they are given it leads to one outcome. HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY! McCarthyism. Being bailed out by High End Talent yet again. It’s been a while since the Cowboys have been in this spot but they’ll take all the advantages they can get. Next week, they get Jacksonville, that’ll be interesting to see.
Vikings vs Lions: The Vikings are worse than their record shows. That’s all that needs to be said. The only reason they have that record is due to close wins and playing in a pathetic division. Their flaws are being laid bare over these past few weeks. Once the Dallas game happened, Minnesota hasn’t been the same. Against Detroit that continued. It also doesn’t help that the Lions have been playing damn good over the past month. Their only dud was a last second loss to Buffalo, other than that they’ve been white hot. Jared Goff is back in 2018 form and the youth is starting to come on the scene. These guys put Jefferson and Cook on lockdown. That’s saying something. Wouldn’t you know it, the Lions who were left for dead are only a game back of the 7 seed. Dan Campbell is becoming an icon in Motown by the day. At this rate I wouldn’t be shocked if it keeps up. On the other side, at least the Vikes will have the division clinched next week. You aren’t gonna blow that aren’t you?
Jets vs Bills: The rematch of when the Jets beat down Buffalo at the Meadowlands. Now BillsMafia can get their revenge. Just like that first meeting defense was the story. In this case it was the Bills that made the headlines. They knocked out Mike White, beat up Joe Flacco when he had to come in for White, and the Jets running game was contained. Josh Allen and the Buffalo offense may be shaky but with the type of defense that they have it’s alright as long as you win. They did just that. Sorry ButtFumble I don’t make the rules. You must suffer and your Cinderella Story is fading. Now you must go back to Zach Wilson in a must win against Detroit. As for the Bills, they get Miami. The perfect time for revenge. (Whoever is giving the Dolphins a chance in those conditions is a fool)
Buccaneers vs 49ers: Speaking of revenge, that is what Kyle Shanahan got on Tom Brady for 28-3. And he got plenty of it. It doesn’t matter that Brock Purdy is now the starter for the Niners in place of Jimmy G, Tampa Bay made him look like Joe Montana. It also helps that Purdy is surrounded by studs at almost every skill position. (Excluding Deebo because of injury) CMC and Kittle continue to beat down everyone in their path as well. That and Brady could do nothing against the San Francisco defense. The last thing that the sports world needed was another team from the Bay Area with championship ambitions. We all know the Warriors reputation for being contenders and champions recently, I wonder what the Giants are doing. (Correa, Giants reach 13 year deal) San Fran got Carlos Correa, this is a scripted sports world isn’t it? (This also comes at a time where Steph Curry got injured, AGAIN) As for you Buccaneers the pain is only getting worse, not only are you going to squander the division lead, you get Cincinnati next week. OUCH!
Panthers vs Seahawks: When I saw the Panthers in Baltimore over Thanksgiving I was impressive with how Steve Wilks had those guys locked in even in defeat. Ever since that day it’s been nothing but that. Carolina needs to make a push towards somehow some way overtaking the Buccaneers. Against a Seahawks team in quicksand, it’s the right team for the taking. The feel good story of Geno Smith is dying before our very eyes. Well the Panthers D has been damn good over the past month. Sam Darnold may be a man that shouldn’t be near a starting job, but he will be carried by that unit towards the playoffs if they have to die trying. And with Pittsburgh next week at home and they’ll be without Pickett. A perfect chance to tie the Bucs for 1st place. Am I saying that right now? (Who thought this after Matt Rhule was fired?)
Chiefs vs Broncos: I’d like to make a conclusion. The Denver Broncos are perhaps the most frustrating team in the NFL. All season they’ve struggled to score points due to bad coaching and a terrible O-Line. Yet against Kansas City of all teams they finally played up to the hype they had over the summer. The bad news was that Patrick Mahomes and the Wild West Variety Show were making big plays as well. The Chiefs had a 20-0 lead before the Broncos made a comeback. But just as they were about to potentially complete the comeback. BOOM! Russell Wilson went down with injury. Don’t give me excuses, Broncos Country you were losing that game because your D couldn’t stop Mahomes and Kelce in the clutch. After what happened in Cincy, the Chiefs are now one win away from clinching another AFC West championship. And all the media pundits were saying that they’d miss the playoffs without Tyreek Hill. That’s the genius of Andy Reid right there. It doesn’t matter who he has, he will find new ways to expose defensive coordinators. This season was proof of that.
Dolphins vs Chargers: The Chargers in another primetime game. I swear they and the Colts have gotten way too many of them this season. I get why with the Bolts. They have Justin Herbert who is a media darling and they play in SoFi. Yep, that’ll be the explanation every time. And this game to me is another edition of the San Diego Special. Not in the bad way, but in somehow playing up to their potential against teams that they should lose to. Miami has struggled as of late and they took advantage of it. Neither Tyreek Hill nor Jaylen Waddle got separation for most of the game. Well Hill did have one of the most unique touchdowns of the season, I’ll give him that. The Chargers, with a defense that has been bad all season, dominated Tua for the entire game. In some ways they laid the blueprint on how to beat the Dolphins. Miami is in a rough spot, their once clear path to the playoffs is up for grabs. They get the death sentence of going to Buffalo in 8 inches of snow, they have to deal with the aforementioned Chargers as well as the Patriots and Jets on their tails. Not to mention both contenders in the AFC North are licking their chops if they get the chance to face them on Wild Card Weekend.
Patriots vs Cardinals: Let me get this out of the way. THIS IS AS PREMIUM AN INJURY BOWL AS THERE’S BEEN ALL SEASON! (Roundball Rock playing) This game, season, and the future of the Cardinals was done from the snap of one leg. CRACK! Kyler Murray. He tore his ACL on a non-contact play. Once that happened, Arizona basically died in real time. The Patriots scored 20 straight points to cruise to an easy win. Bill Belichick clearly and I mean clearly coached circles around Kliff Kingsbury. This man along with Steve Keim is going to be back next year, why did they extend those two to begin with. Also don’t give an inconsistent receiver $25M a year and give up two future All Pros in that trade. Wait I didn’t get to the worst part of this, BOOM! Big Red the Cardinals mascot is also out for the year with a broken ankle, and unlike his buddy Poe he doesn’t have two older brothers to step in. Who are they gonna get to replace him, Baxter? Maybe. (That or The Gorilla)
Bragging Rights Sports 