(Enter Sandman playing)
“You’re not a true Raven, until you play this game. But this is no mere game, IT’S A BAPTISM BY FIRE!”
Bragging Rights Sports Presents:
A Maryland Culture Production
Nothing refocuses the attention, like Ravens, Steelers.
Marylanders can’t stand Pittsburgh. And Yinzers can’t stand Baltimore. IT’S JUST THE WAY IT IS!
CHARM CITY BEASTS
The Unrivaled Themed Story of the Baltimore Ravens
2 TOUGH TEAMS FROM 2 TOUGH CITIES!
A STRUGGLE THAT IS ENDLESS!
Lamar Jackson, Tyler Huntley, Mark Andrews, Justin Tucker, Marlon Humphrey, Marcus Peters, Roquan Smith, Calais Campbell, Justin Houston, John Harbaugh, Eric DeCosta, Greg Roman, Mike Macdonald, Sashi Brown, Steve Bisciotti, Edgar, Allan, with Poe, and the Salty Marylander/Narrator Michael Hession.
Location: Acrisure Stadium (Heinz Field) Opponent: Pittsburgh Steelers
Season 3 Episode 13: An Old School Bloodbath (SOS Yinzers)
WHOS GOT IT BETTER THAN US! NOOOOOOOOBODY!
Narrator (Whispering): “I’m bored. I need to start tweeting about some of the events going on in the Ravens community. Especially since the Holidays are getting closer and closer.” (DJ Scratch) They liked me on Twitter! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I didn’t even have the intention of tweeting something that would get liked by the Ravens Twitter page, yet their Media Director Cassie Calvert did it because of my thoughts on Mike Man’s wife Stephanie being on her Purple Chair Podcast. (It also helps that I worked for the same church that she sings for this summer) Well I mentioned the fact that she is a girl of many talents, that’ll also help. Anyways let’s send it over to the Salty Marylander who has a little backdrop of the game this week. PAUSE.
Marylander: Since this series began in 2020, people have told me this narrative on repeat. “The Ravens have never beaten the Steelers in Charm City Beasts History!” That may be true, BUT THAT STREAK ENDS THIS WEEK! PREPARE THE FALSE HOPE BABY! Narrator: Alright, alright settle down buddy. I know you want to beat a team that used to drive us crazy, but save the energy for the game. Marylander: Sure thing. Narrator: Sounds good. One week after escaping with an ugly win against the Denver Broncos, the Boys in Purple have an uncertain future ahead of them. The main topic this week would be the health around Planet LJ. Last week he took a hit to the knee and wouldn’t return. Luckily John Harbaugh called this a week to week injury. His status for future games is up in the air, but knowing him, he will do anything in his power to get there. For the 2nd straight year, the fate of the season rests in the hands of Snoop Huntley. This time he is in better hands. Instead of a garbage O-Line, and no defense. The roots of Ravens past are in better condition. It also helps that they don’t have to play 3 Super Bowl Contenders in a row plus a Big Ben doing everything in his power to go out on top. Instead they still have plenty of division games remaining but they aren’t battered like last year. Although don’t tell the evil media that, they want to believe that the Raven Empire is dead. Those same talking heads have been waiting for that scene for at least a decade. (They still can’t stand what Art Modell did, GET OVER IT!) Considering that the arch rival Bengals just beat Kansas City for the 3rd time in a calendar year, any football insider on ESPN has handed Cincy the AFC Title by default. Don’t tell them that Baltimore is still in 1st place, they think the Ravens are a sub 500 team with the way they hail Joe Burrow. They also need to realize that Mike Man knows their entire offensive scheme due to his time at Michigan. Jackson’s long term status isn’t the only injury report up in the air. The same goes for JK Dobbins and Ronnie Stanley. Both are expected to return sometime in the next 2 weeks, and their impact is massive if Baltimore wants to go anywhere in the playoffs. Gus Edwards certainly has struggled coming off a bad hamstring, but they can use the excuse of not having Stanley and facing the 2nd coming of the 1977 Falcons. On defense, the injury concern is around Patrick Queen, who was carted off the field last Sunday thanks to a serious thigh bruise. Luckily he returned to practice in no time and should be a go this week. In injury news both good and bad the Ravens got back three major pieces from IR. JK Dobbins, Ronnie Stanley, and Marcus Williams. All of them are major assets to their gameplan on both sides. The only problem was that former Raven Derek Wolfe blamed conditioning coach Steve Saunders as to why he had career ending neck surgery. Don’t worry Wolfgang, the rest of the talking heads on 98 Rock or 105.7 the Fan are with you. All reports aside, the Ravens next opponent can be described in a Holiday skit by the Salty Marylander and Raven Brothers. Take it away boys!
Marylander: You’re a mean one, Raven Brothers: Whistling (Doo Doo Doo Doo) Marylander: Mr Grinch. Raven Brothers: Whistling (Doo Doo Doo Doo) Marylander: You’re an Angry Yinzer Scrooge. Raven Brothers: Whistling (YOU SUCK!) Marylander: You’re a spoiled little brat, and you’re annoying as a rat, Mr Gri-inch! You gloat about your 6 Super Bowl Championships, and countless Hall of Famers with your Heinz Ketchup. Raven Brothers: Whistling (BUT WE DON’T CARE AT ALL!) Marylander: You’re a monster, Raven Brothers: Whistling (Doo Doo Doo Doo) Marylander: Mr Grinch. Raven Brothers: Whistling (Doo Doo Doo Doo) Marylander: You’re a Primanti Sandwich Thief. Raven Brothers: Whistling (WHO CARES!) Marylander: You’re as violent as could be, as far as the I can see Mr Gri-inch. You love calling us frauds that choke away big games to weaker teams for your comedic enjoyment. Raven Brothers: Whistling (BUT WE DON’T CARE AT ALL!) Crowd: YEAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Narrator: Bravo, bravo. Oh mama I’m in fear for my life from the long arm of the law. We all know what atmosphere the Ravens are walking into. That’s right, it’s Steelers week. The Best Rivalry of the 21st Century according to many football pundits. In fact this will be the first time that Baltimore visits the newly named Acrisure Stadium. But in the eyes of any old school football fan, it will always be Heinz Field. (Staples Center of the NFL) And also the first time in 19 years that Ben Roethlisberger is not on the Steelers roster, but he still goes to games. Even more bizarre to anyone outside of Charm City is that Rod Woodson is in attendance, but he’s with Gerry Sandusky inside the Ravens Broadcast Booth. The man that basically created this rivalry in 1998 when he signed in Baltimore must have emotions running all over him. To the delight of Woodson, this game would be another bloodbath in a long line of them between these two teams. Even if Harbaugh and Tomlin don’t have the hatred like Cowher and Billick did, both men would try to seek an early advantage. In this case it would be the Boys in Purple. Over the past few meetings, the Ravens have usually been the ones that have been destroyed in the trenches. Today that was the opposite. Oh and one more thing. BOOOOOM! Kenny Pickett, Welcome to the Ravens Steelers Rivalry! There is no such thing as soft hits in this game. And you will not be forgiven. And he was concussed and didn’t return. So now both teams would be down their QB1 since Planet LJ is already ruled out. (The Ravens KO’ed Mason Rudolph in 2019, who cares they can head hunt some more QBs for the Black and Gold Brigade) Following that scary hit from Roquan Smith, Baltimore would march into field goal range and even if they only got 3 points the O-Line despite being without top guard Kevin Zeitler would push around the Steelers pass rush. (Congrats to JT for becoming the Ravens All Time Leading Scorer) On Pittsburgh’s next possession, the theme of the day was set. Najee Harris would have little room to run against the Ravens front seven. Don’t feel bad Najee, Baltimore hasn’t allowed a 100 yard rusher since Dalvin Cook last year. (The Ravens won that game in OT after being down 24-10) Then on the punt, Pressly Harvin’s kick took a massive backspin to the Steelers 48. That was key because JK Dobbins ripped off a 43 yard run which was followed by a 5 yard TD. Trailing 10-0, the Yinzer faithful were not in a good mood. But then the Steelers as expected got back in the game. In comes Mitch Trubisky, a man who had been the whipping boy of Pittsburgh since September, now gets the chance to redeem himself. At least he has George Pickens making an awesome catch over Marlon Humphrey to set up a TD by Najee. (“The Ravens should’ve drafted Pickens.” -Internet Trolls. They didn’t because Ojabo was a can’t miss prospect who will be a stud come next year) Once again, this was expected. The Ravens tried to counter, but Tyler Huntley fumbled the snap exchange on a 4th and 1 at the Steelers 35. (Lamar doesn’t fumble that, harsh truth)
The fears of Harbaugh allowing another backup to carve up his defense were coming true. That was until Mitch’s ex-teammate in Chicago Roquan Smith picked him clean at the B-More 10. This time the Ravens would get points out of this. Even if they stalled in the red zone thanks to TJ Watt running over Morgan Moses, the Boys in Purple did just enough to extend their lead. But Trubisky was on the move again. Some Ravens fans believed that it was the Leader of Men inside Trubisky’s uniform. That would be if he didn’t get picked off inside the opposing red zone again. Boy has Patrick Queen been a stud since Roquan came on board. He went from bust to probable Pro Bowler in a span of 9 weeks. Leading 13-7 at halftime the Ravens were in good hands. The defense began the 2nd Half continuing their assault on all things Yinzer. Even if the Steelers moved the ball towards midfield almost every time, Mike Man and his crew would always find a way to stop them. Snoop, I don’t ask for much but right now, guide this team to a needed win. BOOOOM! OH MY GOD! You’ve gotta be kidding me. This is why the Ravens Steelers Rivalry is a total bloodbath. If things couldn’t get any harder for the Ravens, Tyler Huntley just got knocked out of the game via concussion. Also how is that not a 15 yard penalty on Minkah Fitzpatrick? Yes it wasn’t helmet to helmet but that’s a total cheap shot. Now their QB is, hold on I need a second. Anthony Brown, an undrafted rookie out of Oregon who set the Ravens Preseason Record for most passing yards in a single game against the Commanders this August. Luckily he won’t have to do much since the running game has returned to elite form. However, like most games against the Steelers, they needed to overcome the most controversial figure in this rivalry. REFBALL, and not just REFBALL, YINZER REFBALL! Who cares the Baltimore defense is putting Mitch on SOS. Boy does it feel good to have Marcus Williams healthy. In 5 full games as a Raven he has 4 interceptions. Give this man a Pro Bowl spot even if he missed 9 games. The only problem was that the interception pinned the Ravens at their own 1 yard line. They would get out of their own end but wouldn’t do much.
Come the 4th Quarter the defensive slugfest we thought would happen, was on display. That would be if the Ravens D didn’t start missing tackles. I swear that always happens when they play the Steelers. Even if Pittsburgh has a chance to take their first lead of the game, the Baltimore pass rush would end that. It’s ok though, they can at least kick a field goal. HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY! I said it last year, and I’ll say it again. If you don’t double team Calais Campbell on a field goal block attempt, you will pay the price. The Steelers had to pay it big time. The High End Talent of Boy Wonder Baby! But even with the blocked field goal, all optimism inside the YinzerMob wasn’t dead. Why? PA System: “Oh mama I’m in fear for my life from the long arm of the law. LawMan has put an end to my running and I’m so far from my home. Oh mama I can hear you crying, you’re so scared and all alone. HangMan is coming down from the gallows and I don’t have very long. YEAH!” Narrator: That’s right, a Steeler tradition since the very song came out in 1978 has come out of hiding. RENEGADE! Now the Ravens have no choice but to try and put the game on ice. Despite the Steelers doing a very good job on containing Mark Andrews, they couldn’t guard him on two key 3rd Down plays. They made it all the way down to the 13 before being forced to settle for 3. JT missed a 35 yarder last year in the 4th Quarter towards the same endzone, he’s not missing a 31 yard this time. “Nails it.” Good. I don’t want to revisit last year. Although this game is not over. Mitch is trying to do his best Big Ben impersonation against the Ravens in the clutch. The only downside is that he only has 3 minutes, and they need 2 scores. BEEP! Marylander: That’s not roughing the passer, HOW IS THAT ROUGHING THE PASSER! Madubuike just tackled him as he was getting rid of the ball, that shouldn’t have been a flag but once again the NFL is doing everything they can for the Steelers to win the game. Narrator: And on top of that Diontae Johnson finally made a tough catch. Oh god, this can’t happen again. “And caught for the touchdown, Freiermuth!” (WE ARE) Well, we got a game again. The Steelers still have 2 timeouts and the 2 minute warning. But Baltimore is one 1st Down away from stopping the bleeding. After a pair of short gains, the game comes down to a 3rd and 3. And wouldn’t you guess it, they played Renegade again. Well if you don’t succeed, try again. That’s what the Yinzers believed. How will they fare this time? “Fake to Duvernay, here’s Edwards. BIG BLOCK IN THERE BY POWERS! They got the 1st Down!” The Ravens maintain 1st place in the AFC North. The drought in Pittsburgh is over. Do you know what this means? (Camden Yards Siren) Marylander: THE RAVENS ARE GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL! YEAAAAAAAAAH! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! (FULL MARYLANDER ACTIVATED! FULL MARYLANDER ACTIVATED! THESE AIN’T THE SAME RAVENS! FULL MARYLANDER ACTIVATED! FULL MARYLANDER ACTIVATED! SOS YINZERS! FULL MARYLANDER ACTIVATED! FULL MARYLANDER ACTIVATED! PAUSE.
(SOS Alert) Narrator: Another gutty win by a team that has thrived in the month of December for years. Any time you are down to your 3rd string QB, and are on the road against your most hated rival, you’re done. NOT THE RAVENS! They pulled off this win with clutch defense, a punishing ground game, and high character. Boy Wonder Johnny Harbaugh said after the Week 11 win over the Panthers that character will eventually be rewarded. This was another character win that boosts confidence. The Ravens needed this. Especially since the Bengals have won 5 straight and 7 of 8 since the Blackout. Even if Joe Burrow and his cool kids are on another hot streak, Baltimore has won 7 of 9 to counter that. These 2 teams are on a collision course to not only play for the AFC North Title and possibly the #1 seed in the AFC in Week 18, but also in the playoffs. All the talk this offseason was how the AFC North would be dominated by the New Frontier. They got one of those Ohio teams right, they just didn’t get Cleveland. Speaking of the Browns they now have to watch big brother not only maintain their supremacy with 2 former GMs, they now get the chance to knock out the Dawg Pound next Saturday Evening. Deshaun Watson, watch out. If you got mauled by the Ravens 3 times as a Texan with far better talent at WR, it could get ugly and fast. But that’s all for the next episode. For now we can safely say that the Ravens ended their 4 game losing streak against the Steelers. The QB situation is still up for grabs next week, especially since Lamar won’t return until Week 16. Anyways, Raven Brothers, what do you have? Raven Brothers: Whistling (HERE WE GO! RAVENS! HERE WE GO! RAVENS JUST KNOCKED OUT THE YINZER MOB! HERE WE GO! TRUZZZZZZZZZZ!)
Bragging Rights Sports 