The following is a special presentation of Bragging Rights Sports:
(The Call playing)
BRAGGING RIGHTS SPORTS PRESENTS
A MARYLAND CULTURE PRODUCTION
“We are going to recover from this failed mission, we are going to come away from this stronger than we’ve ever been, we are going to be cool and controlled in the biggest of moments, we will put every ounce of information into stopping the enemy as possible, and most importantly, we will make sure that we will keep fighting until the battle is won no matter how ugly things will get and no matter who the enemy is.”
“WILL! YOU! EVER! QUIT! NO!!!”
CHARM CITY BEASTS
(Michael Hession) “WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE!”
(Jennifer Shoemaker) “DRESSED TO IMPRESS!”
(The Salty Marylander) “WE’VE GOT SERIOUS FISH TO FRY!”
(Kate Addison) “DEAD! MAN! WALKING!”
(Poe) “UNLIMIIIIITED!”
(Edgar) “SHAKE AND BAKE!”
(Allan) “EVERYBODY!”
(Violet) “WE CAME TO PLAY!”
(SEASON 6)
Beasts vs Swifties: THE ULTIMATE TEST OF CHARACTER
“FOR THE GLORY AND THE FALL!”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
(September 25 2025, Charm City Beasts Headquarters, Baltimore MD)
Marylander: CANNONBALL! (SPLASH!) Edgar: Whistling (ARRRRR!) Marylander: Gotta take advantage of the warm weather especially in late September. Allan: Whistling (Here I come boys!) (SPLASH!) Marylander: UGH! You really had to give me a face full of water Allan. Allan: Whistling (I love me some swimming) Edgar: Whistling (I still can swim faster than you) Allan: Whistling (At butterfly, DUH, because you look like Michael Phelps disguised as a bird) Edgar: Whistling (You know me so well) Marylander: Well at least for Kate’s sake she’s just chilling out and vibing. Kate: How’s the water? Allan: Whistling (It’s warm today) Kate: Oh good. I’ve been hearing that the pool temperature here is much warmer than it is down in Miami. Edgar: Whistling (It’s because that place has a lap pool and this doesn’t.) Allan: Whistling (And Poe usually takes advantage of that by swimming 100 laps a day) Marylander: Man I wish we were the ones who were originally assigned to our Miami headquarters but I can’t make that decision. Kate: Well at least you and I became closer with each other plus we still have Edgar and Allan here. Marylander: That’s true. Ugh, I must say the only reason why the others are south is because Jennifer would have thrown a massive hissy fit if she didn’t get to have that romantic setting. Edgar: Whistling (Of course) Allan: Whistling (Plus that rooftop dance floor) Marylander: Well they better be on their way soon because we’re heading for Kansas City this weekend and those rotten Swifties. Kate: That’s right, this will be my first ever encounter with the legendary Taylor Swift, but this time instead of having oohs and ahs, I WANT TO DISMANTLE HER! Marylander/Edgar/Allan: YAAAAAAAAAAA! Kate: Me and Violet may have never witnessed our rivalry with them but as long as you guys take us under your wing, I’m gonna be just fine. Marylander: THERE’S THE SPIRIT WE NEED! PAUSE.
Michael: Oh boy is this gonna hurt. After absolutely manhandling the Browns in Week 2, it looked as if the Boys in Purple were going to brush that late game fallout in Buffalo and chuck it aside. (BOOM!) Little did they know that they were diagnosed with the Honolulu Flu. Think about this for a second. Going into Week 3 the Ravens had never lost a home primetime game against an NFC team, hadn’t lost in their all black uniform against an NFC team, hadn’t lost in their all blacks against anyone not named Yinzers since 2007, Detroit hadn’t won in Baltimore since 1977, Lamar Jackson had never lost a primetime home game in the regular season outside of COVID year, the Lions had 3 new starters on their Offensive Line, and the Ravens hadn’t lost with Bill Vinovich as the head official since THAT GAME back in 2019. What happened? Complete destruction from the NFL’s version of the Sonic the Hedgehog franchise. And it wasn’t even Jared Goff who bashed the Ravens defense even if he made several big 3rd and 4th Down throws. It was none other Sonic and Knuckles themselves. Both Jahmir Gibbs and David Montgomery became the first pair of RBs to each rush for over 100 yards in a game against the Ravens. That had never happened before in 30 years of purple and black football. Not to mention Planet LJ was sacked a career high 8 times. Yes the final score was 38-30, but beginning in the 3rd Quarter, Detroit was on a mission to prove that their Week 1 dud against Green Bay was a fluke, and it was. (For a 15 minute stretch in the 2nd Half they outscored the Ravens 24-3) Just as he’s done for most of his tenure in the Motor City, the man known as Damn Campbell adds another shellacking to a long line of revenge games that he’s won during his time as head coach. Think about this. Campbell busted the Packers owning the Lions at Lambeau narratives, destroyed the recent aura of JerryWorld, made the Winter Whiteout in Minnesota into a small breeze, and god forbid he better not have ruined the mystique of what has been considered by almost every Ravens fan myself included to be the NFL’s version of Beaver Stadium at night. (I swear if Penn State gets blown out by Oregon) Now how did they get massacred like this on the ground, aren’t the Ravens supposed to have an elite run defense? (BOOM! Madubuike, Van Noy ruled out) Marylander: Yup that’ll do it. PAUSE.
Michael: Outside of the Steelers, Baltimore has the most expensive defense in football full of talented playmakers across the board. At least on paper that is. The problems that they’ve had in the first few weeks can be summed up in different ways. First of all, the narrative is to say that Zach Orr isn’t ready for the big time. Look I get they wanted a clone of Mike Macdonald but here’s the difference, Mike spent one year in Michigan while getting trained by Jim Harbaugh before coming back the next year. Also being a good player doesn’t always translate to the coaching ranks especially on defense. You wonder why Ray Lewis never got into coaching, it’s because of a risk like this. Speaking of Mike Man, there are many Ravens fans saying that letting him go to Seattle was a franchise altering mistake on the same level as the Red Wings letting Steve Yzerman leave for the Lightning. Let me be very clear about that, if you’re saying this about Macdonald, you should also say that about Joe Hortiz who was the Ravens Scouting Director for the better part of almost 15 years. In LA he has taken an almost unmanageable cap situation with the Chargers when he first arrived there, and now they’re championship contenders. And that’s in spite of Greg Roman and Steve Saunders on their staff. And once again, this all due to the fact that this fanbase wants both John Harbaugh and Eric DeCosta chucked into the Inner Harbor. AGAIN! Marylander: I swear, this conversation pops up at least twice a year. Michael: Thank goodness you’ve really cooled down on this over the years. Marylander: Well duh because Steve Bisciotti is a Rooney in all but name and why would he ever consider letting go of his two BFFs? Michael: Exactly. From how I see it, most of these people, mainly the Lamar Jackson fanboys, wouldn’t last a day being Jets, Browns, Bears, and Panthers fans. Fortunately for us, Kyle Hamilton agrees. He says you can blame the coaches all you want but we as players are more responsible for the defenses issues because we aren’t always on the same page. Marylander: “BUT THEY DON’T HAVE A TRUE LEADER!” IT’S ROQUAN SMITH, AND THEY BETTER GIVE HIM SOME HELP BECAUSE HE CAN’T PLAY TWO POSITIONS AT ONCE! Seriously, even Ray Ray would have trouble without having a legit LB2 to help him. Michael: What about if they went to a 4-3 look? Marylander: Not happening, they haven’t run a defense like that in their history, not even their 2000 unit was a 4-3. Michael: I could have sworn McCrary and Burnett were DEs. Marylander: No they were OLBs. Michael: Makes sense. Another reasoning could be the fact that they have too many cooks in the kitchen. When you have both Super Bowl winnings DCs (Marvin Lewis and Dean Pees) as advisors, plus Chuck Pagano as the secondary coach, there tends to be too many opinions thrown out there during meetings and in-play adjustments. It’s hard to learn a system when four guys each have an input. Marylander: WOOF! Michael: However, here’s this unit’s saving grace. The Lions and Bills over the past 2 seasons have been the highest scoring offenses in football and the rest of the league has had trouble stopping either one of them. One of them has the reigning MVP, a Top 10 RB, and the most dominant O-Line in the AFC, and the other has the best RB combo in the league, and a balanced passing game that can strike at any time. Even if Mike Macdonald or prime Marvin Lewis was still there, they’d too have problems stopping this especially given that Nnamdi Madubuike, the one game wrecker on the D-Line that the Ravens have could be out long term with a neck injury. Marylander: As long as it’s not a career ender, we’ll be safe. Michael: True. Welp it looks like they’re going to be very active for line help on both sides due to injuries and poor play. And we’re not just talking about both starting guards, ITS EVERYONE! But just like the defense, it may be less of them and more to do with the High End Talent of their opponents. Marylander: WHO KNEW THAT COULD HAPPEN! (This is where they really miss Joe D’Alessandris, he’s more of a loss than Mike Man and Hortiz combined) Michael: But it’s only three games into the season, and given how much of a mess the AFC North is due to the Browns and Bungles living up to their namesakes (Someone free Joe Burrow and Myles Garrett from those gongshows), and Pittsburgh’s defense also falling off of a cliff, there is much more margin for error now than there ever was. Unless Aaron Rodgers goes back to 2011 form. That would be brutal. Marylander: So who do the Ravens play this week? Michael: The Chiefs. In Arrowhead, and they’ve never beaten Andy Reid on the road EVER! Marylander: oh god. Oh god. Oh God. OH GOD! OOOOOOOH GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD! PAUSE.
(September 28 2025, Charm City Beasts Headquarters, Baltimore MD)
Poe: Whistling (Are you ready for this buddy) Michael: Oh yeah. I feel much different now than I felt the other night after we let the Motown Mauler get away. Poe: Whistling (Oh good) Michael: That was possibly the darkest night in Charm City Beasts History given how bad of an egg we laid, but we were up against a superpower that hasn’t been used that often. Poe: Whistling (Even more than Darkness passing away or getting captured by the Swifties, or even Jennifer blowing out her knee) Michael: For me it was, I’m not sure about the rest of you guys. Because I felt totally responsible for the defeat, and I almost thought about quitting. That’s how disorganized I was. Poe: Whistling (I’m glad you didn’t) Michael: Well this is why I’m so glad that Jennifer is by my side no matter what. She gave me one of the most uplifting monologues I’ve ever heard;
(Flashback)
Jennifer: The day I first met you inside that old museum, my life changed forever, and it’s because I knew I had someone who could rely on me even in the darkest of times. I wouldn’t be the woman I am today without you Michael, and we wouldn’t be the Charm City Beasts without you. Look at everything you’ve done. You turned the Salty Marylander from a lonely man on the streets of West Baltimore into a wrecking machine and someone who finally got to live his childhood dream of being a superhero. You convinced the Raven Brothers to be more than just mascots and made them recognize their abilities. And you also were ok with letting Kate and Violet come along even though there was no reason to keep adding. And even better, when I tore my MCL this past January, you went to Poe and immediately told him to brew up one of a kind healing spell so that I would be pain free from the moment I left that hospital in Buffalo, and it worked. I will forever be grateful that you are our leader, and for me, the love of my life and someone who I’d marry right now if given the chance.
(Flash forward)
Poe: Whistling (You guys must have kissed when she finished her monologue) Michael: Yup, she savored every moment of it. And honestly, it really helped get me through the week, and allowed me to focus on one thing and one thing only. Poe: Whistling (What’s that) Michael: HOW DO WE TAKE DOWN THE SWIFTIES! Poe: Whistling (That’s what’s up) Michael: Yup, what a turnaround this would be if we’re able to knock them off after all of the negativity thrown in our path. Poe: Whistling (It would be sweet) Michael: Yup. Poe: Whistling (I know you’re ready for that long awaited chance at beating Tay-Tay, the question now is, where’s Jennifer?) Michael: She’s probably getting ready right now, and now that I’m upbeat again, she’s probably going to try and put the squad on her back this time around. Which I don’t have a problem with. Poe: Whistling (Especially since she was a former Swiftie until her ex who I killed off a couple of years ago defected over there) Michael: You better believe it. (SLAM!) Poe: Whistling (Oh hey Violet) Violet: Whistling (You coming Jenn everyone is waiting) Jennifer: Tell Michael and Poe to come to the media room. Michael: Oh god, don’t tell me I’m going to be on the dance floor with her at any moment. Poe: Whistling (You might be) Michael: Great. Violet: Whistling (Follow me)
Michael: Ok what did you want to show us Violet? Violet: Whistling (WATCH!) Jennifer: 5, 6, 5, 6, 7, 8! (BOOM!) (Hot To Go playing) Michael: Oh god, don’t me it’s not that overused TikTok song that they play at sporting events. Poe: Whistling (Urk. It is) Michael: Knew it. At least you and I don’t fall for it, Poe. Poe: Whistling (We’re the smart ones) Michael: Indeed we are. Jennifer: I COULD BE THE ONE, YOUR NEW ADDICTION! Michael: Well if there’s any good news I think this is her plan to throw off the Swifties when we first get there. Especially since they already know her dress to impress gameplan to the bone. Jennifer: BABY DO YOU LIKE THIS FEELING! OR MADE IT TILL YOU DANCE WITH ME HEY! Poe: Whistling (Especially since most of them love being on TikTok and it’s the Engagement Party) Michael: That’s right. I didn’t realize that. Poe: Whistling (Perfect timing) Michael: I get where you’re coming from. Jennifer and Violet should do this sketch in front of the whole Swiftie Empire in the middle of that giant mall of theirs which is where the party is taking place, and then once that whole thing is over, then the rest of us come in, you, Edgar, and Allan will give Tay-Tay the goalie chant, and then the battle will begin. Plan? Poe: Whistling (Plan. Lets go with it!) Jennifer/Violet: H-O-T-T-O-G-O! YOU CAN TAKE ME HOT TO GO! H-O-T-T-O-G-O! YOU CAN TAKE ME HOT TO GO! (BOOM!) Michael: Alright, alright. I do have one piece of advice. Jennifer: What’s that? Michael: If you’re planning to do this when we get there, you’re gonna have to wear red. Violet: Whistling (Why) Poe: Whistling (We must throw these fools off guard and if they spot either of you in purple especially Jennifer, we’re in big trouble) Violet: Whistling (I see) Jennifer: He’s right. I know every secret there is about that empire and their airship. And the only way to get their attention in a positive way is to bring out TikTok trends and wear red. And even though I didn’t like it while Henchman McCord kidnapped me for a month, I understood the logic. NOW WE HAVE THE CHANCE TO BEAT THEM AT THEIR OWN GAME!
(Swiftie Airship)
(Airship theme playing) Michael: Well we’ve made it. At long last. This is our big break right here. We may be facing trying times, but so are the Swifties despite she who shall not be mentioned getting engaged. Marylander: Last time we were here, it did not end well.
(Flashback)
T-Swift: I’d recommend you to take a peek inside that container. Michael: You’re not gonna ruin our moment with this crap! T-Swift: DO IT! Or else you’ll be sentenced back behind bars like you were in the spring. Michael: Ok, fine. We’ll open the bag, but that ring is all but ours. T-Swift: Just you watch. Beasts: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! T-Swift: I GOT YOU GUYS SO GOOOOOOOOD! Michael: YOU! WIN! AGAIN!
(Flash forward)
Michael: ON THAT NIGHT WE SWORE REVENGE AGAINST THOSE ROTTEN SWIFTIES! Poe: Whistling (And revenge will be ours) Michael: That’s right Poe. Although this time, it’s not going to be a sneak attack to try and steal the engagement ring. This time around, they’ve got the threat of us crashing the Engagement Party! Kate: And more importantly a bunch of unknown gimmicks we’ve got planned for them. Michael: Exactly. You nailed it on the head. Kate: I sure did. Michael: Alright, here’s the plan. Jennifer, you and Violet are the first ones in, you head right to the center of the mall where they have everything all set up. Raven Brothers, you guys will camp out in one of the restaurants on Level 3. Allan: Whistling (But what if it’s packed) Michael: Not on this day, the entire crew is going to be on the main level. Kate, Salty Marylander, we’ll be on Level 2 hiding in the Apple Store. Once Jennifer gives us our que, then we make our move to head downstairs. But in the meantime we’ll have an open chat because Poe will try to hook our call and the scene at the party up to a couple of the restaurant TVs. You got me. Beasts: YES! Michael: LETS DO THIS!
(A FEW MOMENTS LATER)
Jennifer: Violet I’ve got an idea. Violet: Whistling (Yes) Jennifer: The last time we were all inside the airship, it was Easter of 2024, and Edgar and Poe killed off the Swiftie in the Easter Bunny by throwing a bunch of darts. Now tonight, you’ll be the one who does the honors. Violet: Whistling (Sweet. YA! YA!) Swiftie DJ: EH! Jennifer: MOVE MOVE MOVE! Michael: I see we killed off their DJ. Jennifer: We did, how are the rest of you guys doing? Michael: We’re safe, Poe was able to hook up the calls as you can tell. Jennifer: Nice. Poe: Whistling (Hi Jenn Jenn!) Jennifer: Hey Poe, get ready for some serious fun. Poe: Whistling (Oh boy!) Allan: Whistling (Isn’t it ironic that Jennifer is in the same outfit tonight as she was when she first met you, Michael) Michael: Yes, good reminder Allan, especially since you were there with me. Well sort of because you didn’t come in until we found that Scar that they hid in the museum. Allan: Whistling (And I thought for a second that she was a Swiftie Trooper. What was I thinking) Michael: Well at least you let me handle my job. Kate: I know I should have asked you this earlier but why are they each in red party dresses. (Hot To Go playing) Michael: Exhibit A; Their plan is to try and cause celebratory chaos at that party. Kate: I see, that makes a ton of sense now.
Jennifer: I COULD BE THE ONE, YOUR NEW ADDICTION! Swifties: YAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Michael: It’s working. IT’S WORKING! The Swiftie Troopers are falling for this. Edgar: Whistling (Lovin’ it) Marylander: COME ON! TAKE THOSE PATSIES TO COOL SCHOOL! Jennifer: BABY DO YOU LIKE THIS FEELING! OR MADE IT TILL YOU DANCE WITH ME HEY! Violet: Whistling (ITS LIKE 199 DEGREES AND DO IT WITH ME! DO IT WITH ME!) Swifties: H-O-T-T-O-G-O! Michael: And the spelling that rivals YMCA is out. Normally I’m not a big fan of this, but when you’re trying to trick them in every sense of the word, you go for it. Poe: Whistling (You and I are spoiled, buddy. Both of our girls are entertaining one large crowd of Swifties) Swifties: H-O-T-T-O-G-O! YOU CAN TAKE ME HOT TO GO! H-O-T-T-O-G-O! YOU CAN TAKE ME HOT TO GO! (BOOM!) YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! T-Swift: Well whoever just did that performance, GIVE IT UP! Swifties: YAAAAAAAAA! T-Swift: So far this has been an unbelievable night and honestly, I don’t think anything can ruin this very moment. “Once upon a midnight dreary.” T-Swift: Where did that sound come from? TK: I don’t know honey. “While I pondered weak and weary.” T-Swift: Hopefully this was just a sound glitch. (CCB Theme playing) T-Swift: Oh I do not like the sound of this at all. Jaden: I know what this is, it’s the battle cry of one of our greatest enemies. T-Swift: Who? I’ll get to that in a second because I have a feeling that the guest performer we had just so happens to be……. Jennifer: YOUR FORMER HENCHMAN’S EX GIRLFRIEND! “HERE WE ARE DON’T TURN AWAY NOW!” Michael: SAY HELLO TO THE BEASTS OF CHARM CITY! Raven Bros: Whistling (HI TAY-TAY! TAY-TAY SUCKS! TAY-TAY SUCKS! TAY-TAY SUCKS! AND SO DOES JADEN SMITH!) Swifties: THE CHARM CITY BEASTS! Michael: HERE YE! HERE YE! You guys thought you had a nice relaxing and exciting Engagement Party for your master but I’ve got news for you. Poe: Whistling (TURN OUT THE LIGHTS! THE PARTY’S OVER!) T-Swift: Bad idea Poe! Jaden: HAHAHA! (BOING!) Raven Bros/Kate/Marylander: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! “Looking to strike, pass, caught, JuJu Smith Schuster, and a Kansas City touchdown.” T-Swift: There goes your plans, Beasts. Michael: Well Jennifer it looks like its just the two of us, but hey lets give this a go. Jaden: MAYBE YOU SHOULD WE CONSIDER! (BZZZZZZZZZZZZ!) Both: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! “Pacheco, Pacheco finds his way to the end zone and a Kansas City touchdown.” AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! “End zone bound, caught, touchdown Kansas City.” T-Swift: Send them back to the cellar. Michael: NO! NOT THE CELLAR! NOT THE CELLAR! Jennifer: NOOOOOOOOOOOO! “Pass, endzone, Caught! Touchdown Hollywood Brown! #4 for Mahomes.” Jaden: HAVE FUN HESSION! PAUSE.
(Horror Music playing) “Stroud, is gonna run, 1st Down, Stroud’s got more, STROUD STILL GOING, DOWN THE SIDELINE, AND STROUD LOOKING FOR THE PYLON! He’s in! Touchdown Houston! Rush safety valve is Henry, and it’s INTERCEPTED! And it is a run to Nick Chubb, Chubb could go all the way and does! TOUCHDOWN TEXANS! Fake the pitch, soft toss, it’s handled, Noel is in for the touchdown!” (44-10) “Henry straight give, HE IS STOPPED! THE RAMS ARE ALL OVER HIM! Kyren Williams gets another opportunity and walks in for a touchdown. Stafford has Higbee wide open. He makes the catch, walks in. Touchdown Rams. Here’s Zay Flowers, dropped the ball on a jet sweep, and the Rams recover it! And that’ll do it. The Ravens will drop to 1-5 and they’ll have a very deep hole to dig themselves out of.
(October 26 2025, Swiftie Airship)
Michael: It’s been 4 weeks since they captured us and I don’t know how we’re going to get out of here. Jennifer: Well at least they didn’t get all of us. Michael: Well they knew we were useless without the two of us because the Salty Marylander and Kate have spent more time trying to form a romantic relationship than fighting crime. Jennifer: Which baffles me because knowing Kate she’s typically not that type of girl. Michael: Well I mean we now have headquarters in Miami and all of us can’t be in Baltimore at once because we now have two locations. Jennifer: I know. Michael: I must say, this trip to the cellars of the Swiftie Airship isn’t as bad as the first time. Jennifer: Well the first time they captured all of us compared to here where it was just the two of us. Michael: Technically they didn’t capture you because Tay-Tay’s lead henchman was your ex-boyfriend. Jennifer: And I hated it. If not for you guys killing him after you broke free, they would have forced me to marry him. Michael: Yeah, that would have been bad. Jennifer: And they would have executed you all during the ceremony. Michael: Honestly I forgot about that, mainly because we were so focused about breaking out of our cells especially me and Poe. Although I do remember you telling me this story on our first date after we got back. Jennifer: Well I had to tell it at some point. Anyways, I hope the others are ok. Guard Swiftie: Hello there you two. Michael: What do you want? Guard Swiftie: Since you were wondering how the rest of your fellow beasts are doing, your Miami Headquarters have been occupied by the South Florida Outlaws. Michael: WHAT! Guard Swiftie: Apparently the rest of your crew stayed in Baltimore and forgot about your 2nd home and there lies the results. (Seek And Destroy playing) Jennifer: ENOUGH ALREADY! (BOOM!) Guard Swiftie: Eh. Michael: Thank goodness there was a pistol hanging on the side of the wall. Jennifer: Lucky us. Michael: JENNIFER LETS GET OUTTA HERE AND SAVE OUR FRIENDS!
(BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) Guards: RED LIGHT! Michael: Back in our comfort zone. Jennifer: Now we just need to find the path to one of those private jets they have. Michael: Sounds like a plan. “ALRIGHT!” (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) “Bears looking to get on the board, Williams, BROUGHT DOWN! By the ankles, Mike Green.” Michael: SCANNING THE SCENE IN THE CITY TONIGHT! LOOKING FOR YOU TO START UP A FIGHT! Guards: SURE DO! Jennifer: Michael, we’re getting them to fall into our mind games. Michael: Exactly what we wanted to do. Jennifer: If only we weren’t fighting in those red jail uniforms that would be great. Michael: Yeah, I miss my regular attire. Jennifer: NO MORE TALKING! LET’S KICK THE DOOR DOWN! “Henry. Gets to the outside for the touchdown.” Michael: SEARCHING! SEEK AND DESTROY! (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) “Loop’s kick, it angles through, and good.” Jennifer: Should I throw out one of those dust bombs? Michael: Not now, save it for a little bit. We haven’t seen one of their big guns come in and try to hunt us down yet. Jennifer: Why would any of them risk getting killed by us when we’re just trying to escape. (BOOM!) T-Cat: HELLO HESSION! Michael: YOU AGAIN! Jennifer: I was mistaken. Michael: You were, NOW WE GOTTA RUN! (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) “Huntley… A LOT OF RUNNING ROOM for Tyler Huntley and he bangs into his own man on the play.” T-Cat: UGH! “32 yarder from Loop. It’s good.” T-Cat: TRY HARDER YOU GUARDS! (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) “3rd Down and 6, Williams, flip it, there’s room for Swift, and he’s got blockers. Swift, finally brought down just short of the 5.” Michael: Well they must have woken up. (BOOOOOOM!) “Swift, puts the head down and he’s in. Touchdown Chicago.” Jennifer: NOW IT’S TIME TO THROW THE BOMB! “Time set for 24 hours of dust.” Michael: It’s deja vu all over again! “2nd Down and long, fake the handoff from his own endzone, Williams has time, downfield, INTERCEPTED! WIGGINS STEPS IN FRONT! T-Cat: OH COME ON! Michael: I loved you once before, but not right now. Right now I’m heading back home to regain my swagger. Jennifer: THAT’S RIGHT MY LOVE! Michael: Get inside the plane. “Huntley looks the other way, WIDE OPEN! TOUCHDOWN! Charlie Kolar!” Jennifer: BYE SWIFTIES! “Dust bomb activated! T-Cat: HESSIONNNNNNNN! (BOOOOOOOOOM!) “Hand it to him, Henry, gets to the outside! HENRY! GOT THE ANGLE! TOUCHDOWN RAVENS!”
Both: YEAAAAAAAAAAAH! Michael: For the 2nd time in 19 months we’ve escaped from the clutches of the Swifite Empire. Jennifer: Hopefully they don’t send anyone towards us in either Baltimore or Miami like last time but for now, we can breathe easily. Michael: Yup. Finally we get something good in our lives after what we’ve been through. Jennifer: Hell yeah. Hey, did you keep the device that the Swifties used to magically change their clothes on a dime. Michael: Yes, I just used it a few moments ago. Jennifer: Can I have it please? Michael: Sure. (WHOOOOOOOOOSH!) Jennifer: Ah, freedom. Even though I’m not in my formal clothing, at least I feel good. Michael: I see you’re repping a Ravens throwback jacket. Jennifer: You know what’s up. Uh Michael? Michael: What is it? Jennifer: Remember that dance that Violet and I were planning to do had we won a few weeks ago? Michael: Uh not really. Jennifer: I was thinking of doing that right now if you’d mind. Michael: Alright lets see what you got. Jennifer: 5, 6, 5, 6, 7, 8! (Hot To Go playing) Michael: Oh boy. You’re going to have a blast with this aren’t you? Jennifer: I COULD BE THE ONE, YOUR NEW ADDICTION! Michael: There’s the Jennifer Shoemaker I know and love. Dancing her brains out whether she’s in dressy looks or not. She’s got a certain aura that makes her loved by us Beasts and hated by her enemies. Get it eh? Jennifer: BABY DO YOU LIKE THIS FEELING! OR MADE IT TILL YOU DANCE WITH ME HEY! IT’S LIKE 199 DEGREES AND DO IT WITH ME! DO IT WITH ME! Michael: It’s a shame we don’t have the radar system with us because if we did I’d be telling the Salty Marylander and Kate that we’d just escaped and would be flying back to Baltimore right now. But hey what can you do? Jennifer: H-O-T-T-O-G-O! YOU CAN TAKE ME HOT TO GO! H-O-T-T-O-G-O! YOU CAN TAKE ME HOT TO GO! Michael: Bravo bravo! Jennifer: MWA! MWA! MWA! MWA! Michael: Hey, hey, stop kissing me, I don’t want this thing crashing on us you got me? Jennifer: I see. It’s just that I’m so caught up in the moment. Michael: Just wait until we get back home and then you can start kissing me again.
(October 27 2025, Charm City Beasts Headquarters)
(DING DONG!) Michael: Hm looks like nobody’s home. (Freed From Desire playing) Raven Bros/Marylander/Kate: SURPRISE!!! Jennifer: Wow! Thank you guys so much! Kate: Welcome Home Michael and Jennifer! Michael: Thanks Kate. Anyways, how’d you know we broke out of the Swiftie Airship without us telling you that because you guys had our radar devices. Poe: Whistling (I heard on the late night news for WBAL-TV11 that you guys had arrived at BWI around midnight, so we stayed up and planned a Surprise Party for your return home) Michael: Well Poe I’m so grateful that you guys were willing to stay up and wait for us to come back home, because it’s almost 3 AM in the morning. Allan: Whistling (We had nothing else to do. Edgar and Violet ate all of the pizza we had for dinner, and Kate wasn’t in the mood for playing video games tonight) Jennifer: I see, I see. Uh Michael, we’re back home and you promised me that I could kiss you when we got back home, and now we’re home. Michael: Alright, fire away. Both: MWWWWWWWA! (WHOOSH!) WBAL News Anchor 1: At this hour, the faces of the Charm City Beasts may be back in Baltimore, but their 2nd home has been invaded. WBAL News Anchor 2: That’s right the Charm City Beasts Headquarters in Miami, FL have just been under attack by a crew called the South Florida Outlaws according to several national sources. The results being that they have not only claimed the piece of land but also the army of RavenBots. WBAL News Anchor 1: The news comes hours after Michael Hession and Jennifer Shoemaker’s escape from the Swiftie Airship, and now there will be no time for celebration in Baltimore here tonight. (WHOOSH!) Jennifer: They just had to announce this while I was kissing Michael. Michael/Marylander: UUUUUUUUUGH! Edgar: Whistling (Looks like we can’t have anything nice this year) Marylander: I hear you. Trust me, I don’t want to have to get into a massive battle after our two leaders served that long of a sentence in the cell room on the Swiftie Airship, but guys, one of our homes is in danger. Jennifer: The Salty Marylander is right. Violet and I need that dancefloor back. Poe: Whistling (I need my swimming pool back) Michael: And I need that warm weather setting where I can both chill out and work hard. Our reputation may be falling right now due to getting blasted by the Swifties and that Motown Mauler but we’re still going to fight till the bitter end. Marylander: When are we going to go down to Miami to fight these guys? Jennifer: HALLOWEEN NIGHT! Raven Bros: Whistling (YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!) Kate: That’s perfect, the most spooky story of the year is going to be the return of the Beasts as the greatest heroes in the land! Violet: Whistling (YIPPEEEE!) Michael: Alright guys we can party the rest of the night, but tomorrow, we start working hard again. We’re going to make sure that we’re battle ready for Friday Night. HOO HA! Beasts: HOO HA! Michael: Oh we can do better than that. HOO HA FOR US BEING BACK TOGETHER! Beasts: HOO HA!!!
(TO BE CONTINUED!)
Bragging Rights Sports 