Charm City Beasts 2025 BLACKOUT Special: BEASTS AND MAULERS

THE FOLLOWING IS AN EXCLUSIVE PRESENTATION OF BRAGGING RIGHTS SPORTS:

(Right Here, Right Now by Fatboy Slim playing)

“BRACE YOURSELVES, SINCE WE HAVE GONE SO FAR WE CAN GO NO FARTHER”

“NOW IS THE TIME”

“THE FUTURE IS TO THOSE WHO TAKE IT”

“WHAT WE DO IN LIFE, ECHOES AN ETERNITY”

“STRUGGLE, SURVIVAL”

“WE WILL BE PERFECT IN EVERY ASPECT OF THE GAME”

“WILL! YOU! EVER! QUIT! NOOOOOOOO!”

BRAGGING RIGHTS SPORTS PRESENTS

A MARYLAND CULTURE PRODUCTION

THE GREATEST ATMOSPHERE IN THE NFL

CHARM CITY BEASTS!

2025 BLACKOUT SPECIAL: BEASTS AND MAULERS

“A 6’2 MANIAC, FROM TOWSON, THE SALTY MARYLANDER!”

“A 5’7 NINJA, FROM TEMPLE, KATE THE GREAT ADDISON!”

“A 6’3 FITNESS MAJOR, #101, EDGAR!”

“A 5’11 ENERGIZER BUNNY, #102, ALLAN!”

“A 6’0 VALKYRIE, #00 VIOLET!”

“A 6’1 COOL KID, #1, POE!”

“A 5’8 FASHIONISTA, FROM MARYLAND, JENNIFER SHOEMAKER!”

AND FINALLY, A 5’10 CORNERSTONE, FROM PENN STATE, MICHAEL HESSION!”

(September 17 2025, Detroit Detention Center, Detroit MI)

(BOOM!) Mauler: FINALLY! I HAVE BROKEN MY WAY OUT OF MY CELL! Cop: Uh, you’re not going anywhere. Mauler: OH YEAH! (Heavy Metal Music) GIMME MY WRISTBAND BACK! (WHOOSH! WHOOSH!) WHOOSH! WHOOSH!) Cop 1: There’s five of him. I forgot when he robbed the largest High School in the Detroit area, he used that remote to duplicate numerous versions of himself. Maulers: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I’M FREE! Cop 2: HOW DO WE STOP HIM! Cop 1: I don’t know because now he has the remote control which allows him to duplicate as many versions of him as possible, and they all speak at once. Maulers: GOODBYE DETROIT DETENTION CENTER! I’M OFF TO MAKE MYSELF KNOWN AS THE WORLD’S NUMBER 1 CRIMINAL! AND I KNOW JUST THE PLACE TO GO! (WHOOSH! WHOOSH! WHOOSH! WHOOSH!)

(Charm City Beasts Headquarters, Miami FL)

Jennifer: WHO’S THAT SEXY THING I SEE OVER THERE? THAT’S ME, STANDING IN THE MIRROR. WHAT’S THAT ICY THING HANGING AROUND MY NECK? THAT’S GOLD, SHOW ME SOME RESPECT. OH. (SLAM!) I THANK GOD EVERYDAY! THAT I WOKE UP FEELING THIS WAY! AND I CAN’T HELP LOVING MYSELF AND I DON’T NEED NOBODY ELSE! Michael: Jennifer, Jennifer? Hello? Are you alright? Jennifer: IF I WAS YOU, I’D WANNA BE ME TOO! I’D WANNA BE ME TOO! I’D WANNA BE ME TOO! Michael: JENNIFER! Jennifer: What is it my love? Michael: Sorry I yelled at you, but how are we doing in regards to our attack strategies for the Swifties? Jennifer: Well, it looks like we’re not going to go underground like last time when entering the Airship. This time we’re going through the main entrance and straight to the mall. Michael: It helps a lot that you know the area very well. Jennifer: Well that’s only because I was the only one who wasn’t permanently locked in a cell while we were there a couple of years ago. Michael: Well that was only because Henchman McCord was your ex-boyfriend and Taylor tried forcing you to marry him. Jennifer: Thank goodness you rescued me from something that I wasn’t willing to deal with. MWA! Michael: Oh you’re welcome. It looks like Poe went for a swim this morning. Jennifer: He did, he got up super early since he took a cat nap yesterday and refused to wake up until 5 AM. Michael: Ok then. Poe: Whistling (What’s up you lovebirds) Michael: Oh look who it is. Hey Poe. Poe: Whistling (I feel all bulked up again after chilling out maxing and relaxing for a while) Jennifer: Well it also helps that we now have Violet and obviously you wanted to spend as much time with her as possible. Poe: Whistling (Yup. Although she doesn’t like it when I wake her up early in the morning) Michael: You’re probably the one who gets up earlier than anyone whether it’s here or back home in Baltimore. Poe: Whistling (I have an agenda, and I must follow it) PAUSE.

(Fugu Faceoff playing) Michael: The 2025 Season has been a tale of two weeks for the Boys in Purple. Week 1 was certainly a tall order no matter what. Going into Buffalo and dealing with the final home opener for the Bills at Rich Stadium plus a team that had won 25 of their last 27 home games was considered to be a death sentence on paper even with the talent advantage and the sting of last year’s playoff loss fresh on everyone’s mind. And for 3.5 quarters it looked that way. Lamar Jackson and Derrick Henry completely toyed with a Bills defense that seemed to have improved during the offseason, Josh Allen despite doing everything he could to win appeared to be no match for the Raven machine. The chance to banish their house of horrors narratives in Buffalo was there for the taking. And my gosh that list is long. We’re not just talking about the two playoff losses either, we’re talking about the game that began the losing streak which led to the end of the Brian Billick Era, we’re talking about blowing a 10 point lead with 3 minutes to go against Doug Flutie in 1999, and not to mention Joe Flacco had the worst game of his career there in 2013 where he threw a career high 6 interceptions including two that were returned for touchdowns (Losing to EJ Manuel and a 5-11 Bills team, it came back to bite them in December). This was the chance to finally get past the Rich Stadium ghosts. (BOOM!) Oh boy. Yes they gave up a touchdown on a deflected pass but that stuff happens, as long as the offense holds possession we’re good. (Journey to Rome Part 1 playing) Marylander: Oh Derrick Henry fumbled, yay. Michael: DEUS EX MACHINA STRIKES AGAIN! You know how there’s a famous saying that God gives Cleveland or Atlanta his toughest battles, it should also go for Baltimore if I’m being honest. Not even 24 hours after the most ridiculous comeback in Baltimore Orioles History, on the 30th Anniversary of 2131 for crying out loud, the fans in Charm City were given the ultimate troll job. And worse it came with the assistance of REFBALL. Apparently they missed a roughing the passer call against the Bills that would have ended the game. Instead the Ravens got heartbroken in a game that they had all but won. (The Freddie Gray Curse is also a thriving specimen) It sucks that they lost but this was an amazing game that one team just had to lose, and games like this happen. As Jon Miller once said, pain only lasts until you’re ready to go again. And the next week the Ravens had the perfect target placed in front of them, a team that had and still has no respect for them. (BOOOOOOOM!) “LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE A SIGNED CONTRACT AT HAND! THE BROWNS ARE INDEED COMING TO BALTIMORE!”

(HEAVY METAL MUSIC) Marylander: OH MY GOOD LORD UNITAS! JERRY JEUDY AND GRANT DELPIT, REPORT TO THE PIT OF MISERY IMMEDIATELY! Michael: Oh boy where’s this going. Marylander: Jerry Jeudy made up his mind that the Ravens secondary presented no challenge to him because of how they played against the Bills in Week 1. Michael: I get his reasoning because they gave up over 500 yards of total offense to the Bills, but they were facing the reigning NFL MVP and an offense that scored 40+ in five of their last six regular season games. Marylander: I did not know that. No wonder why you weren’t completely upset after a game like that. Michael: Well I knew that this performance wouldn’t hurt them given how potent their opponent was. Also Myles Garrett claimed that the Browns don’t lose two in a row despite not having won a game since Week 12 of last year. Marylander: Myles you’re a great ballplayer and I’d just like to say, YOU’RE STANDING ON THE TRACKS WHEN THE TRAIN’S COMING THROUGH BUTTHEAD! Michael: Took a page out of Major League II I see. Marylander: I did. Jennifer: Guys, I think you both will get a kick out of this, but the Cleveland Media is calling the Ravens 30th Season Celebration Game a disgrace against humanity. Marylander: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (PAUSE)

Michael: First of all let me put it this way, the Ravens had planned this since the end of the 2024 season. You can argue all you want but there was no way that they’d not acknowledge their great history during the first home game. Not to mention look at the past few years. In 2022 they honored the late Tony Siragusa and Jaylon Ferguson, in 2023 they honored the 25th Anniversary of M&T Bank Stadium, and then last year they honored the late Joe D’Alessandris and Jacoby Jones. So as history shows us, we all knew it was coming in Week 1. Not to mention if Cleveland should blame anyone, it shouldn’t be Ozzie Newsome or Sashi Brown. It should be Roger Goodell as well as the NFL Schedule Makers. In their defense, the schedule guys had this as the last game revealed for Week 2 back in May because every other matchup had been filled. You also have to consider that due to the Orioles schedule the Ravens couldn’t afford to open with possibly three games in a row on the road. Not to mention they felt like Joe Flacco coming back to Baltimore would get plenty of attention. Jennifer: Oh yeah, the Browns brought back Flacco. Michael: They did. But the piece de resistance was still to come. Just when the Browns were about to take the field during introductions, that Jeudy guy who disrespected the Ravens defense, flung the double bird at the RavensVision board in the West Endzone. Marylander: I knew the game was over when that happened. Michael: Yup. The Baltimore defense wasn’t about to let their old face of the franchise carve them up in his homecoming especially with most of their alumni in attendance. Not only did they force 3 turnovers which included a Roquan Smith fumble return for a touchdown, but Lamar Jackson somehow some way was able to navigate through that vaunted Dawg Defense. Think about this. Derrick Henry had his worst game as a Raven, Cleveland outgained the Ravens by almost 100 yards, and the Ravens still won by 24 points. And if not for another deflected pass, the Boys in Purple would have held Flacco out of the end zone. Did I mention that Planet LJ had 4 TD passes including two to Tez Walker. Kate: All he does is catch touchdowns! Michael: That’s right Kate. With the 41-17 win, the Ravens jotted down win #1 for 2025. But the journey has just begun.

(AND SO IT BEGINS!)

(September 22 2025, Charm City Beasts Headquarters, Baltimore MD)

Edgar: Whistling (THAT BALL’S GONE!) Allan: Whistling (COME ON I LEFT A CHANGEUP UP IN THE ZONE!) Marylander: I find it funny that you guys are playing as the Yankees and Dodgers. Allan: Whistling (Well duh, but they’re the two highest overall teams in MLB The Show 25) Marylander: I was mistaken. Edgar: Whistling (FREDDDDDDDIE! BACK TO BACK HOME RUNS!) Allan: Whistling (What happened to my 3 run lead) Edgar: Whistling (Well its gone) (SIREN!) Marylander: OH NO! Michael: STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING BOYS! WE’VE GOT A MAJOR CRIME SCENE IN BALTIMORE CITY RIGHT NOW! Marylander: Oh great! WE NEED A PLAN! Michael: That’s why I want you guys to come up right now. Allan: Whistling (Oh boy, this is gonna be lit)

Michael: Is everyone here? Jennifer: I think so. Lets see, Edgar, Allan, Poe, Violet, Kate, and the Salty Marylander are all here, and of course you, how could I not forget. Michael: Welp there you go. Nice job you guys reporting as soon as possible. So right now we’ve got ourselves a serious threat invading our city right now. Marylander: Who could it be? Michael: Well Salty Marylander this is a villain we haven’t seen before, and it took me and Jennifer a while to figure out exactly who this guy is. Kate: Alright, who’s the mastermind behind this. Michael: Well it’s only fitting that this man’s identity is perfect due to where he’s from… THE MOTOWN MAULER! Marylander: So he’s from Detroit. Michael: Sort of, and his background and super powers will leave you speechless. Jennifer, please explain. Jennifer: So the man’s real name is Arnold Munson who was born and raised in Grand Rapids. Michael: I thought he was from Detroit not GR. Jennifer: Well his parents met each other in Detroit. Michael: Oh that makes more sense given his nickname. Kate: Now how did he get it? Jennifer: So he went to a school in the area called Catholic Central, and apparently he had a crush on some blonde girl that was in one of his classes. Poe: Whistling (Oh boy) Jennifer: He tried to take her on a date during his junior year of high school, but she said no, AND IT BROKE HIS HEART! DA DA DA DA!!! Michael: Trust me, when Jennifer told me this story for the first time last night, I couldn’t help but say, welp that escalated quickly. Jennifer: So because of that, he kept getting on her nerves, and was ultimately suspended by Catholic Central for this. Michael: Word of advice, don’t try this anywhere especially at a Catholic School. Marylander: So what happened next. Jennifer: He discovered the power to clone himself one cold night, and when he did, he invaded the school building once his suspension was over, cloning himself into numerous versions of himself thanks to a special wristband with each of them carrying shotguns around the building. Even though he didn’t kill anyone, he injured quite a few people, and was then expelled and later arrested. Kate: How long was he sentenced to prison? Jennifer: He almost got the death penalty, the punishment was 5 years in prison at minimum. But then this past Tuesday, he broke down the wall of his jail cell by throwing his bed up against said wall. And once he did, he fought the police chiefs, stole back that wristband and cloned five different versions of himself and managed to get out of the Detroit Detention Center. Michael: AND NOW HE’S INVADING THE INNER HARBOR!!! Jennifer: Look at this, he’s cloned himself now about 20 times. Michael: I thought that it was smooth sailing towards preparing for the Swiftie Empire, but we’ve got a massive threat to deal with in our own damn city. Guys, I THINK ITS TIME WE BRING OUT OUR FORMAL ATTIRE FOR THIS! Jennifer: DARKNESS THERE AND NOTHING MORE!

(BLACKOUT TIME!)

(Run This Town playing) Violet: Whistling (Having fun is better in black) Jennifer: Dress to impress is better in black. Poe: Whistling (A group of Beasts are better in black) Michael: And there’s no other place that’s better in black…THAN BALTIMOOOOOORE!!! Marylander/Kate/Edgar/Allan: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (BOOM!) “B-MORE! THERE I SAID IT B-MORE! THIS IS FLOCK NATION! PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE! IT’S RAVENS SEASON! ALL BLACK EVERYTHING! BLACK CARDS BLACK CARS ALL BLACK EVERYTHING!” Michael: We know who we are, guys. We know what we want to accomplish. And even though our greatest enemy awaits us, you can’t ignore a threat like this. Jennifer: We have to take matters into our own hands, and I’m more than willing to be up for that task. Michael: Well Jennifer, you’re probably going to be Target A for the Motown Mauler given that you’ve got blonde hair and look very attractive as usual. Jennifer: You know it, I’m wearing the same black dress and mini-boots that I wore last year for that battle in the rain with those dreaded Mafians. Poe: Whistling (VERY SUPERSTITIOUS! THE WRITING’S ON THE WALL!) Michael: I like it, he’ll never know what hit him. Well the main clones of himself that is. Violet: Whistling (I thought I was the pretty one) Poe: Whistling (Among us birds you are, but Jennifer has been doing this for a long time and it’s usually paid off because our enemies all fall for it) Violet: Whistling (I see) Kate: Well in my book, looks don’t matter, your actions do. Marylander: Thank you Kate, that’s why I love you. Kate: How sweet. Michael: ANYWAYS LETS HEAD DOWNTOWN!

(Inner Harbor Plaza)

(BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) Maulers: MWAHAHA! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (WHOOSH!) Eyes Closed playing) (POP! POP!) Michael: I’m back from the dead from the back of my head. Been gone and facin’ horrors that should never be said. The wrath and the grit from the pit of despair. Been takin’ every pundit’s word I’ve ever been spared. They say that tomorrow’s never promised. I’m honest. They say that Ravens are among us. Marylander: LOCK ME UP IN A (BOOM!) MAZE! TURN OUT TURN OUT THE LIGHTS! I WAS BORN I WAS RAISED FOR THIS! TURN OUT TURN OUT THE LIGHTS! LOCK ME UP INSIDE A! (BOOM!) CAGE!!! JUST THROW AWAY THE KEY! DON’T WORRY ‘BOUT ME! Edgar/Allan: Whistling (I WAS DRIVIN’ IN MY CAR, THROWIN’ UP MY HANDS, PUT IT IN COAST! I COULD DO THIS WITH MY EYES CLOSED!) (BOOM!) Michael: WELL! WELL! WELL! LOOK WHO’S ARRIVED AT DINNER TONIGHT! Maulers: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Michael: WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE LAUGHING AT!!! Maulers: You might be the Charm City Beasts, BUT YOU’RE ABOUT TO SUFFER THE BIGGEST BEATDOWN IN YOUR ENTIRE LIVES! Jennifer: I don’t think so, there’s a fine line between stupid and clever, and right now, you’ve crossed the line. Maulers: OH DID I! WELL THATS CUTE! Poe: Whistling (I find it crazy that they all speak at the same time) Violet: Whistling (It’s because they’re connected to a doomsday wristband) Michael: No more talking, LETS GET THIS OVER WITH! Maulers: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

(BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) “Goff protected, fires, and another catch for Williams.” (BOOM!) “Lot of movement, playclock at 3, Goff, there’s St Brown, first catch a big one.” (BOOM! BOOM!) “Gibbs, Touchdown!” Maulers: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Michael: You alright? Jennifer: I’m okay, ugh, I didn’t know they could shoot lasers from their fingers. Michael: That’s something that I don’t think we’ve ever seen before. Jennifer: Well then it looks like we’re going to be in for a fight. (Sanctified playing) Michael: TIME TO STRIKE BACK! Maulers: WE’VE GOT YOU NOW WHIMPY! (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) Michael: YOU KNOW I’M AN ANIMAL, I BELONG IN THE WILD WILD WILD! WHEN I GET OUTTA CONTROL! AIN’T NO BRINGING ME DOWN DOWN DOWN! (BOOM!) “Lamar keeps, and cuts, and slips. 1st Down.” Allan: Whistling (Man there are so many of them, how do we contain this?) Kate: I don’t know but like Michael said, the doomsday device they have is something you can’t teach. Maulers: YOU CAN’T RUN! YOU CAN’T DUCK! Edgar: Whistling (Well I can) (WHOOSH!) Maulers: UUUUUUUUUUUH! Marylander: How about a double power move boss. Michael: Let’s do it. (BOOOOOOOOOOOM!) “Easy pickup, forget 1st Down, how about Touchdown!” Michael/Marylander: YAAAAAAAAAAA! (WHOOSH! WHOOSH! WHOOSH!) Maulers: WHAT’S SO FUNNY! Marylander: Good lord it seems like every time we kill one of these troops they spawn more of them. Michael: The question is which of these guys is the main one because they all look the same in the all grey tracksuit. Marylander: I guess we’re about to find out. 

Jennifer: TIME TO BUST UP SOME DANCE MOVES ON THESE FOOLS! YA! “Goff, protected well, finds LaPorta.” Maulers: MISSED ME! Jennifer: HIGH YA! “3rd Down and 8, Goff, slings it, LaPorta, 1st Down.” Maulers: MISSED AGAIN! Jennifer: Poe, come help me! Poe: Whistling (On it) Maulers: TOO LATE! (BOOM!) “Montgomery gets it, no call, they’re saying he’s short, now the other official says touchdown.” Poe: Whistling (AH SHUCKS!) Maulers: IF I WAS YOU, I’D WANNA BE ME TOO! I’D WANNA BE ME TOO! I’D WANNA BE ME TOO! Jennifer: How did they know that I played that song when I was getting dressed the other day. Poe: Whistling (I don’t know, but apparently they must have spied on us in Miami) Jennifer: Our security system there especially since its a state of the art building usually prevents such actions. Anyways, I don’t think I’ve ever been pummeled this hard at any point of my life. Poe: Whistling (I know, these guys have done their homework on your style of throwing villains off guard with your fancy looks) Jennifer: This never happens, but we’ve never gone against an enemy with this kind of superpower. Poe: Whistling (True) Jennifer: Come on Michael, please don’t let me down again. (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) “Here’s Rasheen Ali, able to break out, and the kicker Bates got him and brought him down!” Violet: Whistling (How did I miss that?) Maulers: BECAUSE YOU’RE SOFT! Violet: Whistling (Don’t you say that) (Some Like It Hot playing) Marylander: NOW YOU’RE GONNA GET IT! (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) “Play action, and now this is a shot for Walker, setting up a 1st and Goal.” Violet: Whistling (You got em sir!) Marylander: WE GOT THIS! (WHOOSH! WHOOSH! WHOOSH!) Maulers: WE WANT TO MULTIPLY, ARE YOU GONNA DO IT! (BOOM! BOOM!) “Toss to Henry, He doesn’t get it!” Marylander: OUCH! That hurt. Violet: Whistling (Oh shoot) “4th and Goal, Lamar keeps, he’s in trouble, the ball’s out, and it’s Detroit’s ball.” Maulers: LOSERS! Kate: You okay there? Marylander: Kate, this is brutal. I’ve never seen anything like this. Maulers: YOU HAVEN’T BECAUSE THIS AIN’T THOSE SOFTIE SWIFTIES! Michael: WHOOOOO CARES!!! (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) “Play action, and touchdown Ravens, Bateman.” Michael: SOME LIKE IT HOT AND SOME SWEAT WHEN THE HEAT IS ON! Allan: Whistling (BAM!) Michael: I’m not playing any games tonight. Allan: Whistling (We aren’t going to get pranked by these guys like the Horde did last time) Michael: How are we doing Poe. 

(BOOM!) “Jackson keeps, floats it, Andrews got it.” Poe: Whistling (I think we’re starting to roll) Edgar: Whistling (Mind if I help) Poe: Whistling (Sure thing bro) “Now on 3rd Down, ANDREWS! Diving catch, Touchdown Ravens!” Edgar/Poe: Whistling (YAHOO!) Michael: Alright! The amount of maulers out there are shrinking, we just gotta keep on pushing forward. (WHOOSH! WHOOSH! WHOOSH! WHOOSH! WHOOSH!) Violet: Whistling (THERE’S SO MANY OF THEM!) “1st Down, toss to Montgomery, throws back to Goff who airs it out for St Brown what a play.” Jennifer: YOU’VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME! (BOOM!) Violet: Whistling (OUCH!) “Goff, for St Brown, he is there, and he’s got it. Touchdown Detroit.” Jennifer: Why do they keep picking on me and Violet? Maulers: BECAUSE ALL YOU TWO CARE ABOUT IS HOW YOU LOOK AND BEING EMOTIONAL! Jennifer: YOU’RE A BUNCH OF DIRTY LITTLE LIARS!

 Michael: Alright tell me this then, WHICH ONE OF YOU HAS THE ACTUAL DOOMSDAY WRISTBAND AND NOT THE FAKE ONES! Maulers: HOW STUPID IS THAT! Michael: I WANT THE TRUTH! Maulers: Fine, but first, FEAST YOUR EYES ON THIS! (ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!) Michael: What was that? (Day to Forget playing) Maulers: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) “Here’s another good run by MONTGOMERY! HE IS OUT! Being chased by Humphrey, and brought down near the 15.” Michael: I’VE SEEN ENOUGH! (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) “They pitch to Gibbs, Touchdown!” Maulers: YOU’RE GONNA LOSE! YOU’RE GONNA LOSE! Michael: Why can’t I run or evade like normal. Maulers: YOU JUST GOT THE HONOLULU FLUUUUUUUUUUUUU! Michael: ENOUGH! “Jackson trying to find somewhere to go, time runs out and is tripped up by Barnes.” (BOOM!) Maulers: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Michael: Wait, WHY CAN’T I SEE ANYTHING NOW! I’M BLIND! Maulers: THE HONOLULU FLUUUUUUUUUUUUU! “Drive starts at the 24, handoff to Henry, and he gets it punched out! It’s recovered by DJ Reed.” Jennifer: MICHAEL NOOOOOOOO! Marylander: What’s happening? Jennifer: MY HANDSOME PRINCE IS IN TROUBLE! Poe: Whistling (No way) (WHOOSH! WHOOSH!) “And he drills it, 31-24” Jennifer: LET GO OF US! Maulers: NEVER! “Jackson, can’t find anywhere to go! And he’s brought down again.” Michael: Why aren’t my weapons working? I CAN’T DO ANYTHING! Maulers: FLU FLU FLU FLU FLU FLU! FLU FLU FLU FLU FLU FLU! FLU FLU FLU FLU FLU FLU! EVERYBODY!!! Michael: Honk Shoo. Jennifer: NO! Maulers: TIME TO ROB THE BIGGEST JEWELRY STORE IN BALTIMORE! Kate: I don’t think so. (BOOM!) “Goff keeps, floats, Amon-Ra! What a throw and catch!” Maulers: TOOOOOOOO LATE! Allan: Whistling (Crap) “Now Montgomery, he’s gonna break, David Montgomery, is IN FOR THE TOUCHDOWN!” Maulers: GOODNIGHT BALTIMORE! AND GOODNIGHT CHARM CITY BEASTS! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (WHOOSH! WHOOSH! WHOOSH! WHOOSH! WHOOSH! WHOOSH! WHOOSH! WHOOSH! WHOOSH!) PAUSE.

Mauler: I did it, I’VE DEFEATED THE CHARM CITY BEASTS! TAKE THAT TAYLOR SWIFT! WHO’S THE WORLD’S NUMBER 1 EVIL SUPERPOWER NOW! AND I’M FINALLY GONNA FORCE MY HIGH SCHOOL SWEATHEART TO MARRY ME! AND THERE’S NOTHING THE FACULTY CAN DO TO STOP ME! PAUSE.

(Charm City Beasts Headquarters, Baltimore MD)

Michael: Oof, what have I done? What a waste of time and energy. I thought I could build a legendary superhero team, but now every flaw of ours has been exposed. We’re never going to overcome the Swifties and now we have this guy to deal with. It seems like peace will never be restored. (KNOCK! KNOCK!) Come in. Jennifer: You okay my love? Michael: I don’t know Jennifer, for the first time I just don’t feel right. Jennifer: Why’s that? Michael: It feels like I lost a loved one given how my body feels right now Jennifer: How so? Michael: I’m upset because we got absolutely manhandled both physically and mentally. Jennifer: Nights like this happen, you can’t win every single battle you’re in. Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. Michael: Jennifer, look. If we can’t handle this menace, THEN HOW ARE WE EVER GOING TO STOP THE SWIFTIES! Jennifer: Well we didn’t know who this guy was and what his powers were until literally last week. Michael: WE DIDN’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE MAFIAN HORDE LAST YEAR AND WE HUMILIATED THEM! Jennifer: Relax, it’s just one bad night. Michael: IT’S NOT! We got trolled in Buffalo because we weren’t prepared for their booby traps. I get that the other half captured them in England but they had the fortune that Mafia Man wasn’t overseas and his understudy was a deer in the headlights. What really gets me is that I feel like I’m in a state of decline in a spot where I should only be getting stronger. I don’t have the power I had last year, I’m not as quick as I was. And tonight my flaws were exposed for every single villain of ours to see. I don’t know how we’re ever going to restore peace in this land now that the Motown Mauler or Maulers is about to take over the world given that doomsday wristband they have. Think about this Jennifer, that Honolulu Flu they put on me, completely derailed my brain and I couldn’t recover in time to stop the bleeding. I just don’t have it like I once did. (Barbarian Horde playing) Jennifer: Michael, listen to me, look me right in the eyes. You’ll be okay. Look, the main reason why we’re all here together as a team, especially me, is because of you. Two years ago, I was a fashionista at my parents fashion store in Baltimore and had been there for many years going back to when I was in middle school. For a while I had no driver’s license, no boyfriend for at least 5 years, my tennis career was over, I didn’t know what I wanted to do with myself, and I thought I could do everything on my own including fighting the Swifties. The day I first met you inside that old museum, my life changed forever, and it’s because I knew I had someone who could rely on me even in the darkest of times. I wouldn’t be the woman I am today without you Michael, and we wouldn’t be the Charm City Beasts without you. Look at everything you’ve done. You turned the Salty Marylander from a lonely man on the streets of West Baltimore into a wrecking machine and someone who finally got to live his childhood dream of being a superhero. You convinced the Raven Brothers to be more than just mascots and made them recognize their abilities. And you also were ok with letting Kate and Violet come along even though there was no reason to keep adding. And even better, when I tore my MCL this past January, you went to Poe and immediately told him to brew up one of a kind healing spell so that I would be pain free from the moment I left that hospital in Buffalo, and it worked. I will forever be grateful that you are our leader, and for me, the love of my life and someone who I’d marry right now if given the chance. In the city that we call home, it does not matter what happened tonight, all that matters is that we are in this together no matter the circumstances and find a way to bounce back. And guess what, you always wanted the chance to defeat the Swiftie Empire, and now we’re going to ruin that Engagement Party they have planned for next weekend when we go out there. Believe me, we may be down for now, but I promise you, it won’t last long. Michael: Wow, Jennifer, that was so sweet of you. I didn’t think you had a speech like that in you, even though you’re very good at sensing the moment at hand. Jennifer: I had a loved one in need of guidance, and I’m willing to put everything out there for you no matter the cost. Michael: There you go. Jennifer: And before you and I head to bed, I want you to hear me out. We are going to recover from this failed mission, we are going to come away from this stronger than we’ve ever been, we are going to be cool and controlled in the biggest of moments, we will put every ounce of information into stopping the enemy as possible, and most importantly, we will make sure that we will keep fighting until the battle is won no matter how ugly things will get and no matter who the enemy is. My wish for the two of us is simple. Help restore peace in this land by defeating every supervillain out there, and get married and finally become the family that I’ve always dreamed of. I’m going to put every single ounce of effort I’ve ever had for you for as long as I live to make sure we finish the job. Let this kiss be the start of the incredible journey that we are about to embark on which will forever change our lives. Are you in? Michael: I’m in. I’ll do whatever it takes to win. Both: MWWWWWWA! Michael: Thank you so much for believing in me and making me feel so much better about myself in bad times. Jennifer: You’re welcome. Both: MWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWA!

(CHARM CITY BEASTS)