Charm City Beasts (Season 5) Episode 12: Twists And Turns

The following is a special presentation of Bragging Rights Sports:

(Good Morning Baltimore playing)

BRAGGING RIGHTS SPORTS PRESENTS

A MARYLAND CULTURE PRODUCTION

“Ladies and Gentlemen, and friends, and fans, The Baltimore Ravens!” “BALTIMORE!”

Michael Hession, Jennifer Shoemaker, The Salty Marylander, Kate Addison, Poe, Edgar, Allan, and Darkness

“We are here to win, that’s our #1 goal period end of story. And my dream is to wake up in the morning and the Super Bowl Trophy is sitting in my nightstand, in my house and I get to nudge my wife and say look this is ours this is what we earned through our effort. How great will that be?” “NO WEAPON! NO WEAPON! FORGED AGAINST US! FORGED AGAINST US! SHALL PROSPER! SHALL PROSPER! NO WEAPON! NO WEAPON! FORGED AGAINST US! FORGED AGAINST US! SHALL PROSPER! SHALL PROSPER! IT’S OUR TIME! IT’S OUR TIME! IT’S OUR TIME! IT’S OUR TIME! RIGHT HERE! RIGHT NOW! RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW! RIGHT HERE! RIGHT NOW! WHAT TIME IS IT!? GAME TIME! WHAT TIME IS IT!? GAME TIME! ANY DOGS IN THE HOUSE!? WOO WOO WOO! WOO! ANY DOGS IN THE HOUSE!? WOO WOO WOO! WOO! WHAT TIME IS IT!? GAME TIME! WHAT TIME IS IT!? GAME TIME! ANY DOGS IN THE HOUSE!? WOO WOO WOO!”

“Now begins the journey.”

“HELL YEAH COACH LETS GO FOR IT!”

“What if they told you this was your last football game?”

“What if they told you this was the last time that you would wear this uniform?”

“How would you play?”

They ain’t gonna give it to you! We gotta take everything that they worked for!”

“There’s no place…… LIKE BALTIMORE!”

“WHO’S GOT IT BETTER THAN US!? NOOOOOOOOBODY!!!”

CHARM CITY BEASTS!

SEASON 5, EPISODE 12: Twists And Turns

(April 21 2025, Charm City Beasts Headquarters, Miami FL)

Michael: Why then O brawling love, O loving hate, O anything of nothing first create, heavy lightness, serious vanity, misshapen chaos of well seeming forms, things may seem heavy until they aren’t, I take what I have and go where I want, and in the end destiny will await my unbreakable soul. Poe: Whistling (Isn’t it so relaxing up here) Michael: POE YOU SCARED ME! Poe: Whistling (My bad, whatcha doing up here this early in the morning) Michael: I normally don’t get up this early, but since we’re heading home later this afternoon while the others are set to take the place other on Thursday, I really wanted to spend some quiet time on the rooftop. Poe: Whistling (Well Jennifer doesn’t come up here until the afternoon so why not take advantage during the sunrise) Michael: True. So she’s going from here to Baltimore and then she and Kate are going to Green Bay not too long after that. Poe: Whistling (Which is why she didn’t want to watch There’s Something About Mary with us last night) Michael: Yeah, I wasn’t in the mood to watch that either, especially since Jenn was not going to join us. Poe: Whistling (Well she had to pack too) Michael: I mean duh, because she’s trying to make another fashion statement on Thursday. Poe: Whistling (She always looks great doesn’t she?) Michael: Yup, my guess is that after seeing it on the door handle of her room, she’s going to be in the same pink dress that she wore on our first date after we escaped from the Swift Airship. Poe: Whistling (Ooooh!) Michael: I bet every diehard football fan who’s around my age that’s going to be in Lambeau will want to go out with her the first chance they get. Poe: Whistling (Too bad for them she’s already taken by you) Michael: Exactly! Jennifer: HEY THERE! Michael: And there’s that romantic voice who’s all dressed up that I was just speaking of. Poe: Whistling (Crazy right?) Michael What’s up Jenn? Jennifer: You’re up early. Michael: I know, I just wanted to take in an early morning sunrise here before we head back home. Jennifer: Hm. I know, Michael: I see with that look in your eyes, that you want to kiss me on the lips don’t you? Jennifer: Hehehehe, c’mere. Both: MWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWA! Poe: Whistling (Never change you lovebirds) PAUSE.

(April 23 2025, Charm City Beasts Headquarters, Baltimore MD)

Michael: Ladies and Gentlemen it is my honor to announce that the Ravens Flock has expanded to England. Raven Bros: Whistling (YAHOOOOOOOOO!) And to celebrate the occasion, myself, Poe, and Darkness after the watch party is over at M&T tomorrow night will be heading to London. Not to mention Poe gets to announce a draft pick too. Poe: Whistling (Well, kinda.) Michael: You get what I mean. Anyways, we all have a certain player that we want the Ravens to draft every year, and Salty Marylander I’ll start with on this one. Marylander: I want Mike Green in Round 1. The guy is a freak of nature coming off the edge, and who cares about his character issues at Virginia, look at Randy Moss when he was at Marshall DARN IT! Michael: Good point, Moss also went there and proved his doubters wrong. Kate, how about you? Kate: I’m going with Tyler Booker, the guard out of Alabama. We already have Stanley, Linderbaum, and Rosengarten, but why not build the inside even more. Marylander: THANK YOU KATE! WE MUST GET RID OF FAALELE! Kate: Uh, this would be to replace Patrick Mekari. Marylander: Oh, ok. Michael: Jennifer? Jennifer: I’m going with Malaki Starks. In 2023 when the Ravens had the #1 defense, they ran a lot of three safety looks which allowed Kyle Hamilton to play basically anywhere. I think they should go back to that. Michael: Wasn’t his uncle Duane on our Super Bowl team in 2000? Jennifer: Yes. Except he didn’t really know him that well. Michael: I have first hand experience with that. I have aunts and uncles who I’ve rarely met before, but hey that happens. As for me, I’m making a bold prediction. If Jalon Walker, the OLB from Georgia drops past 15, I think the Ravens will trade up and get him because the one thing they’ve lacked in the draft despite how good they’ve been recently, is getting players with championship DNA. And Walker is just like that. Jennifer: And so is Malaki Starks. Michael: Exactly, you nailed that on the head. Jennifer: I know right. Michael: Raven Brothers? Edgar: Whistling (Donovan Ezeiruaku) Allan: Whistling (James Pearce) Darkness: Whistling (Matthew Golden) Poe: Whistling (Derrick Harmon) Michael: WOW! We all had a different preference for who the Ravens should take in the 1st Round. Marylander: Looks like one of us is going to be ecstatic come tomorrow night. Michael: Well we’re going to be spread out, so it’ll be hard to see exactly what those will be like, but we’ll definitely hear them. Marylander: So Edgar, Allan, and myself will be in Miami right? Michael: Yup, you three will be swapping places with me, Poe, and Darkness at our Miami location, while my crew will be here in Baltimore as well as London. Also, Jennifer will you and Kate be back in time to cover us here. Jennifer: I think so. Michael: Good. Alright guys let’s get this show started! Beasts: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

(Wherever I May Roam playing) Michael: GOOD EVENING FLOCK NATION AND WELCOME TO THE BALTIMORE RAVENS OFFICIAL 2025 NFL DRAFT WATCH PARTY RIGHT HERE AT THE CAESARS CLUB LEVEL INSIDE OF M&T BANK STADIUM! Crowd: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Michael: I’m your host Michael Hession, the leader of the Charm City Beasts, and I will be joined tonight by the rest of the Beasts who spread out tonight but are here for all the fun. With me here in Baltimore tonight are Ravens Mascots Poe and Darkness! Crowd: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Poe: Whistling (BIG TRUZZ!) Darkness: Whistling (YA BOY!) Michael: Darkness I thought you were going to join me on the stage but I see that you are enjoying yourself in that DJ Booth as usual. Darkness: Whistling (Can’t help it) Michael: Ok then. Anyways joining us from our newly christened stomping grounds in Miami please welcome the Salty Marylander along with Raven Mascots Edgar and Allan! Crowd: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Michael: And they brought out the RavenBots too! RavenBots: ARRRRRRRRRRRR! Marylander: Well it’s not the whole army, we only brought out a bunch of them to serve about 300 Ravens fans who are watching this from the rooftop. Michael: I like what I see right there. Oh look at Edgar and Allan flexing at the camera in their bathing suits. Marylander: Well we are in the 305 and it’s hot out there. Michael: I bet. And finally we are being joined live from Lambeau Field by the two inside experts of the Charm City Beasts, who both look stunning by the way tonight. Jennifer Shoemaker and Kate Addison Ladies and Gentlemen! Crowd: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Michael: How’s the weather up there at LAMBEAU FIELD! LA-LA-LA-LAMBEAU! Jennifer: Hehehe. It’s chilly but it’s no different from when you and I were in Detroit last year. Kate: We’re tough though. We never get rattled. Michael: Even though you guys look like you’re about to go to Prom instead of the NFL Draft, you definitely won’t be phased by the temperature out at LAMBEAU FIELD! Jennifer: DAMN STRAIGHT! Michael: Anyways, for those that don’t know this. All eight of us made up their minds as to who they want the Ravens to pick at #27. All eight of us had different opinions. Which means the tension will be high right from the get go.

“The Cleveland Browns have traded the 2nd Pick to the Jacksonville Jaguars.” Crowd: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAH! Michael: We got our first shocker of the night. Marylander: THE JAGS STOLE TRAVIS HUNTER FROM THE BROWNS! Crowd: YAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Michael: Jennifer and Kate, I know you have a hard time hearing us but both the watch party in Baltimore as well as the one in Miami have gone absolutely bonkers knowing that the Browns won’t get Travis Hunter or Abdul Carter. Jennifer: I know, that’s crazy! Kate: When we saw the graphic change, we were like OMG! Michael: Yup. This is going to be a fun night indeed!

“With the 12th pick in the 2025 NFL Draft. The Dallas Cowboys select… Tyler Booker, Guard Alabama.” Crowd: WOOOOOAH! Michael: Looks like Kate got her mocked pick wrong, although I was not expecting Booker to be picked this high. Although if there’s anything that needs to be said it’s that the Cowboys are excellent at drafting and developing Offensive Linemen. Poe: Whistling (Derrick Harmon is still on the board right?) Michael: Yes he is Poe. So you’re not burned yet. Hopefully not though. Kate: At least Zabel is still out there.

“With the 15th pick in the 2025 NFL Draft. The Atlanta Falcons select… Jalon Walker, Defensive End Georgia.” Crowd: OOOOOOOOH! Michael: DANG IT! Marylander: You were almost correct. Michael: I was. If he didn’t get picked here, it wouldn’t have shocked me to see Eric DeCosta trade up and get him, but who knows what the price would have been to get him especially if it was a team in need of pass rushers especially DE/OLBs. Jennifer’s going to be right again isn’t she?

“With the 18th pick in the 2025 NFL Draft. The Seattle Seahawks select… Grey Zabel, Guard North Dakota State.” Crowd: Uh huh Uh huh Uh huh. Kate: CRAP! Michael: Well it looks like we won’t be getting any help on the interior O-Line. Kate: If there’s any solace we are good at getting linemen in the later rounds and having them succeed long term. Michael: That is very true. Looks like Allan just ate a whole box of popcorn out in Miami. Allan: Whistling (No kidding. I want to be on the clock right now) Michael: Just be patient ok. Allan: Whistling (Got it)

“With the 21st pick in the 2025 NFL Draft. The Pittsburgh Steelers select… Derrick Harmon, Defensive Tackle Oregon.” Poe: Whistling (THOSE YINZERS!) Michael: Sorry that they took the guy you wanted Poe. Poe: Whistling (It’s okay buddy, I’ll be alright with whoever we draft) Michael: That’s a plus.

“The Los Angeles Rams have traded the 26th pick to the Atlanta Falcons. With the 26th pick in the 2025 NFL Draft. The Atlanta Falcons select… James Pearce Jr. Defensive End Tennessee.” Allan: Whistling (THOSE DARN FALCONS!) Michael: They burned me and they burned you Allan. Allan: Whistling (But hey we’re up next) Michael: If we pick Malaki Starks, Jennifer is going to go nuts out there in Green Bay. Jennifer: You bet I am my prince. Michael: Well Starks, Jihaad Campbell, and Ezeiruaku are still on the board. Edgar: Whistling (Please be Donnie E!) Darkness: Whistling (Alexa, play the theme from League of Legends) “HERE WE ARE DON’T TURN AWAY NOW! WE ARE THE WARRIORS THAT BUILT THIS TOWN! (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) HERE WE ARE DON’T TURN AWAY NOW! (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) WE ARE THE WARRIORS THAT BUILT THIS TOWN!” (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) Michael: If the flares and bottle rockets are any indication, it’s that time everyone. THE RAVENS ARE ON THE CLOCK! Crowd: YAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Marylander: Alright Goodell, whatcha got?

“With the 27th pick in the 2025 NFL Draft. The Baltimore Ravens select… Malaki Starks.” Jennifer: YESSSSSSSSSSSS! Crowd: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Michael: SHOEMAKER YOU’RE A FREAKING GENIUS! Jennifer: That’s two years in a row I’ve gotten our 1st Round pick right. Kate: Up top! (SLAP!) Michael: Looks like Kyle Hamilton and ArDarius Washington are getting some much needed insurance in that safety room. Marylander: MIKE GREEN WAS RIGHT THERE! Michael: Look Salty Marylander, Starks was the best player on the board and there was no way they were passing him up. Marylander: I know, BUT WE NEED PASS RUSHERS! Michael: Who knows, we might be able to get him or Donnie E tomorrow if the cards play out right. Marylander: Ok, I’ll trust you on this. Michael: I’ve told you and I’ve told everyone on our team, patience is the name of the game. Marylander: True. Edgar: Whistling (Well at least we all get to be together tomorrow night at our main headquarters in Baltimore) Kate: Speaking of which, who is going to take care of our place in Miami? Michael: The RavenBots duh. Kate: Oh right.

(1 Day Later)

Marylander: Please be Mike Green, please be Mike Green! “And with the 59th pick in the 2025 NFL Draft. The Baltimore Ravens have selected… Mike Green.” Marylander: YES!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! YES! LETS GOOOOOOOOO!!! MIKE FREAKING GREEN!!! Michael: See I told you, patience is the name of the game my man. Marylander/Edgar: SHAKE AND BAKE!!! Jennifer: I can’t believe the Ravens got Malaki Starks and Mike Green with their first two picks. Michael: Well Jennifer as is tradition the draft landed right in Eric DeCosta’s hands. Poe: Whistling (EDC got that swag!) Michael: He sure does Poe. Kate: At this point I don’t care what happens the rest of this draft, we’ve won it with those first two picks given that they were Top 15, Top 20 caliber players. Darkness: Whistling (Sweet) Michael/Marylander: WE’VE GOT A FEELING! Jennifer/Kate/Raven Bros: RAVENS GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL! (BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!) (Ravens release K Justin Tucker during several investigations) PAUSE.

Michael: This one stings big time. I know that JT’s time here was numbered after his performance last year but this is really sad. I knew once the Ravens drafted Tyler Loop that Tucker was getting cut. Well that’s exactly what happened. I know these investigations about his interactions with massage therapists are going on but if those happen to be like the Zay Flowers rumors from last year and aren’t true at all. That would just be a tough pill to swallow. The thing that stings the most about this whole thing is that JT was the last man standing from the Super Bowl XLVII roster. This man carried the Ravens through some uneasy times especially when injuries took their toll on this squad from 2015-2017. The two 60+ yard kicks against Detroit, the game winners against New England and Denver in 2012, being the last kicker to miss an extra point after they moved those back to the 15, and carrying on the proud tradition of the Ravens having a demigod of a kicker. It may take a while, but he will one day be inducted into the Ravens Ring of Honor at the very least. Now all eyes are on Tyler Loop, and remember when the Ravens won their last Super Bowl in 2012 they made a gutsy call during Training Camp. They cut Billy Cundiff who was a Pro Bowl caliber kicker at the time (But his legacy will always be “THAT KICK!”) and people gave them grief for doing so. That’s how Tucker got his start in this league to begin with, and it’s fitting that it’ll also be the way his time in Baltimore ends. If Loop becomes what JT and Money Matt Stover were for all of these years, the reality would be that the NFL didn’t kill the man but not the idea. And that idea is that of the Ravens having a generational kicker. WOOF! Poe: Whistling (Its all good) Michael: Thanks Poe. I’m still fascinated that you were able to announce a pick on draft weekend. Poe: Whistling (Well I didn’t because the NFL wouldn’t be able to translate me) Michael: Oh right, although for your sake I hope Teddye Buchanan turns out to be a solid player. Poe: Whistling (I really hope so. I didn’t make the trip overseas just to announce a wasted pick) Michael: True. COME ON TEDDYE! BE THE INSURANCE THAT AGENT ZERO NEEDS!  PAUSE.

(May 14 2025, Charm City Beasts Headquarters, Baltimore MD)

Michael: I wonder how everyone will react to the Ravens schedule this year. Something tells me that the squad will flip out when they see this. Jennifer: Michael can you come here for a second. Michael: Alright Jennifer I’m coming… What is it? Jennifer: First of all… Both: MWWWWWWWA! Michael: You’re always looking for a kiss aren’t you. Jennifer: I am and it’s because I love you. Michael: Aw, thank you. You look gorgeous. Jennifer: Hehehehe… Ah, never change my love. Anyways I think you already know what I’m going to say. Michael: And what would that be? Jennifer: Look, I know you and everyone else are going to look at me and think I’m crazy for saying this. But I want to get back to Buffalo as soon as possible. Michael: WOW! I’m actually impressed that you said that. Most people that suffer the type of injury that you did especially by way of it being a noncontact torn MCL would have PTSD about having to go back to the same place where the incident took place. Jennifer: I’m not one of those people. I’ve always been super brave. Michael: I know. I mean I don’t know anyone else who wears high heels as much as you do that doesn’t suffer any pain during the process. Jennifer: Exactly. Although I won’t wear a gown until we tie that knot after the Swiftie Empire falls. Michael: I know. But still, you want not only a piece of the Mafian Horde, YOU WANT THE WHOLE THING! Jennifer: I do! They’re going to be shocked by the time we come back there whenever that may be when they see me. Michael: Not to mention you had the fortune of that knee only taking three months to heal because Poe still has wickedness thrust upon him and he can craft all kinds of spells. Poe: Whistling (You got that right) Michael/Jennifer: POE POE! Poe: Whistling (Hug it out) Michael: We were just saying that you revived Jennifer’s health after she was released from the hospital, and now she wants to destroy that Horde ASAP. Poe: Whistling (Does that mean the Ravens will open up against the Bills?) Michael: You’re about to find out. PAUSE.

(Ride of the Valkyries Remix playing) Michael: Fellow Beasts, the 2025 Ravens schedule is out! Beasts: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Michael: From what I can tell there are going to be all kinds of reactions just like every other schedule release we’ve had. Not to mention the battle possibilities for this year will be all kinds of fun. Marylander: WE NEED MORE THAN JUST A BLACKOUT AND PURPLE RISING SPECIAL DESPITE THE DRAMA! WE NEED ONE FOR HALLOWEEN, THANKSGIVING AND CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR! Michael: Oh boy, that is a tall wish list. Let’s see if that happens to be a reality. Alright Jennifer, take it away. Beasts: YAAAAAAAAAAAA! Jennifer: And Poe’s giving me the We’re Not Worthy look again. I don’t know if it’s because I’m all dressy no pun intended as usual or because he’s excited to see what’s in store. Poe: Whistling (It’s both) Jennifer: Ok then. First of all, let’s knock out the preseason games. We have a Mayflower Bowl, a trip to Dallas, and a Beltway Clash. Edgar: Whistling (Don’t tell me we have to face Rowdy again!) Michael: Well we wouldn’t be going to Dallas because it’s only the preseason. Edgar: Whistling (Good) Poe: Whistling (Not to mention Jennifer gets to try and have bragging rights over her family) Jennifer: It’s only the preseason but hey it’s always nice to get one up on my mom and her family. Kate: I wonder who the Ravens are opening with. Jennifer: I’m glad you asked Kate. In Week 1 we have, OH YES! Sunday Night at Buffalo! Marylander/Raven Bros: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Jennifer: It’s not what you think! I’ve been waiting for the chance to get back at the Mafian Horde ever since I left that hospital. And I’m so glad that we get the chance to finish them off right away. Beasts: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Michael: I know. The Season 6 Premiere is gonna be AWESOME! Jennifer: Well only if we win. AND I’M NOT GONNA WANNA LOSE THAT ONE! Poe: Whistling (Mafia Man has his work cut out for him) Michael: He sure does. Jennifer: Back to the schedule, Week 2 we’re at home against the Browns at 1 PM. Edgar: Whistling (DO-DO-DO! DO-DO-DO-DO!) Marylander: JOE! FLACCO! Edgar: Whistling (DO-DO-DO! DO-DO-DO-DO!) Marylander: JOE! FLACCO! Michael: I remember that chant very well. First time he’ll be back in Charm City in 7 years which is saying something. Kate: And even then he might not even start for the Browns. Marylander: Oh if it’s Shedeur Sanders, it’ll be bacon for breakfast! Allan: Whistling (HAHAHAHAHA!) Jennifer: Now we get to the good stuff. Week 3 against the Lions can best be described like this… Michael: PUT THE PEDAL TO THE METAL AND SOMEBODY’S HERE! TONIGHT THE NFL KICKS IT INTO HIGH GEAR! THE RAVENS PLAY HOST TO THE BOYS FROM MOTOWN! THE LIONS ARE ROARING BUT THE KING’S GONNA POUND! YOU BETTER SIT BACK! STRAP IN AND HOLD TIGHT! IT’S ALWAYS FULL THROTTLE ON MONDAY NIGHT! Poe: Whistling (WAHOO!) Michael: I had to do my best Hank Williams impersonation. Anyways I expect that Detroit game to be our annual Purple Rising Special and I’m interested to see what villain wants to take over the town? Edgar: Whistling (Whoever that is will suffer as a result) Michael: He sure would Edgar. Jennifer: Up next is one we’re all gonna have circled on that calendar. A trip to Arrowhead at 4:25 in Week 4. Marylander: HEY LET’S GIVE A WARM WELCOME TO OUR GOOD FRIEND THE SWIFTIES! Raven Bros: Whistling (HI SWIFTIES! SWIFTIES SUCK! (BOOM!) SWIFTIES SUCK! (BOOM!) SWIFTIES SUCK! (BOOM!) GO RAVENS!) Michael: We haven’t seen those guys since our failed attempt to steal Tay-Tay’s engagement ring. Jennifer: Which is crazy to think about. Michael: I can’t wait to destroy her and Jaden Smith yet again! Jennifer: Ok, calm down. Week 5 we’re home for Houston at 1 PM. Darkness: Whistling (Cool) Jennifer: Week 6 its another home game at 1 PM against the Rams. Marylander: I expect more high drama like the last two times we’ve played them. Jennifer: Agreed. Then we have our Bye Week. Raven Bros: Whistling (BOOOOOO!) Michael: I hate that, I always love that late season Bye but with those first six games being against 5 division winners and possibly Joe Flacco it makes sense. Jennifer: I’m glad you agreed with me unlike the rest of you. In Week 8 the Bears come to town for a 1 PM game. Marylander/Edgar: THERE’S GONNA BE SOME BEAR NECESSITIES THE GLORIES OF NOT BLOWING A BIG LEAD! FORGET ABOUT THAT EARLY SEASON BYE! I HEAR THE BEAR NECESSITIES WE ROAST CALEB WILLIAMS AND REFEREES, THE AFC NORTH WILL BE NO MATCH FOR US! Michael: Hehehe. I hope we don’t have a situation where we have a huge lead that gets squandered if possible. Marylander: Yeah but there’s always one game where we play down to our opponents level and I hope it isn’t that game. Michael: True. Jennifer: In Week 9 we’ve got a fun one in store. The Dolphins in Miami the night before Halloween. Beasts: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Michael: There’s your Halloween Special for this year and I’m so glad we now have headquarters out in South Beach. Poe: Whistling (Which is cool because we get to be both there and in Charm City all the time) Michael: Especially in the colder months. Jennifer: Speaking of the cold, we shall travel to the North Star State and face the Vikings in Week 10 at 1 PM followed by the Brownies in the Dawg Pound at 4:25 in Week 11. Allan: Whistling (A three game road trip after a three game homestand is quite odd) Jennifer: Well guess what Allan, another set of three straight home games is on the menu. Beasts: OOOOOOOOOO! AAAAAAAAAAAA! Jennifer: In Week 12 we’re at home against the J-E-T-S for a 1 PM game. Marylander: IT’S GONNA BE A SLAUGHTER! Jennifer: Don’t jinx it, Salty Marylander. Michael: Don’t, just don’t. Marylander: My bad. Jennifer: Anyways, Michael, please explain our game for Week 13. Michael: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! THIS IS THE MAIN EVENT OF THE EVENING! Beasts: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Thanksgiving, Primetime, At Home, Against the Cincinnati Bengals, IN FRONT OF THE ALMIGHTY BLACKOUT!!! (For Whom The Bell Tolls playing) Beasts: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) Marylander: I QUADRUPLE DOG DARE YOU CAPTAIN WINCINNATI TO TRY AND COME TO TOWN ON THANKSGIVING NIGHT TO TRY AND DESTROY OUR CITY! Michael: He’s failed the last three times, and it looks like he might try a fourth. Jennifer: If you thought that was crazy, we get the Steelers at home 10 days later. Marylander: COME MY LADY AKA MISS LIVVY DUNNE! Michael: Well I don’t think we’ll be up against just Livvy this time. Marylander: Oh right, she recruited Normani to be her head general given that she was so mad about us drowning her in the Inner Harbor not once but twice. Michael: Jennifer if they hated you already, they’re probably gonna hate you some more this year. Jennifer: Well duh both Livvy and Captain Wincinnati are the opposite of you when it comes to their feelings about me. Michael: Good one. Jennifer: Speaking of that Captain, we get to face his Bengals again in Week 15 but this time in the Jungle. Poe: Whistling (I wonder if he’ll invite us to their Holiday Party) Michael: Well that would be a mistake especially if we maul them again on Turkey Day. Jennifer: Alright, Sunday before Christmas we host the Patriots. Raven Bros: Whistling (UGLY SWEATER TIME!) Marylander: Please don’t tell me we’re playing on the road on Christmas Day again. Jennifer: The good news is that we aren’t. Marylander: YES! Jennifer: The bad news is that we’re playing on the road that week. Michael: IT WAS A COLD DECEMBER SATURDAY NIGHT AT LAMBEAU FIELD! LA-LA-LA-LAMBEAU!!! Kate: And by process of elimination we’re going to Pittsburgh to end the season. Jennifer: That would be true. Anyways, your thoughts guys? 

Michael: We’re going to have some serious fun this year guys. Marylander: Now I see why we built a 2nd headquarters facility in Miami. Just so we could keep the others guessing. Darkness: Whistling (And we now have an army of RavenBots too) Michael: Think about it. The Mafian Horde, Swifties, Dunne Dynasty, and Queen City Gangsters will all be looking to take us down any chance they get, but like the Salty Marylander said, the fact that we’re getting the annual Blackout and Purple Rising Specials, plus 3 Holiday Specials this year. I like our chances to restore peace in this land. Kate: Michael, you and Jennifer were in the spotlight a lot last year when it came to your love for one another especially at the end of those crazy battles. I think this year myself and the Salty Marylander may have a few of those moments. Michael: Hm, now that takes some guts to say given that our enemies usually want to take myself and the princess standing next to me down in a hurry. Kate: I know but considering that the Salty Marylander and I are starting to build some good chemistry, a moment where the two of us combine to take down an enemy of ours would be so romantic. Marylander: You and I haven’t even had our first kiss yet! Kate: Never say never. Marylander: Oh great now I’m gonna have to think about it all summer long. Michael: My word of advice, just be yourself. Don’t let anyone else try to mess with your psyche. Marylander: Easy for you to say because even though Jennifer loves you like tomorrow, it never seems to bother you. Michael: Yup. I know. The tough part for you guys is that even though I don’t want to sound selfish for saying this, Jennifer and I are at the head of the snake and usually whoever we face wants us in particular to get buried. Although last year you and Edgar got a lot of focus from the Dunne Dynasty, especially in that 2nd battle. Marylander: The thing is even though I’m starting to get to know Kate really well, my main priority is my BFF. Edgar: Whistling (SHAKE AND BAKE HOMIE!) Kate: Woo. Jennifer: My word of advice is not to get jealous. Michael has always been on the lookout for every single one of us, and he’s my main priority. I must play along with his game of making sure everyone is safe. Kate: I see. Michael: Guys, I don’t know about you guys, but we’ve got a vibe going this year. Jennifer: And that’s an Unfinished Business vibe! We were that close to taking down all of our greatest villains, and me getting seriously injured ISN’T GONNA HAPPEN AGAIN! Raven Bros: Whistling (YAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!) Marylander: Boss you said it, the journey didn’t end in January, it was simply put on hold. Michael: And that hold is going to end soon. Kate: Indeed it is. (BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!) (Bengals players, coaches and fans upset about Thanksgiving Game in Baltimore) PAUSE.

Michael: Before we go any further Poe and I are about to eat some good old sour grapes that are coming out of Cincinnati right now! Poe: Whistling (When will those insufferable people ever learn?) Michael: I don’t know, but I love making them mad. Hit it Darkness! Darkness: Whistling (TIME TO EAT!) Michael: WHATCHA GOT THERE SOUR GRAPES? YOU GOT A GRIP OF SOUR GRAPES! Poe: Whistling (OOOH!) Michael: DEM SOUR GRAPES Y’ALL BROUGHT DEM SOUR GRAPES! SOUR GRAPES! SOUR GRAPES! Poe: Whistling (THEY GET DEM SOUR GRAPES!) Michael: OH SOUR GRAPES! YOU BROUGHT A… Poe: Whistling (GRIP OF SOUR GRAPES!) Michael: OH BOO HOO HOO! THEY GOT DEM SOUR… Poe: Whistling (SOUR GRAPES SOUR GRAPES THEY GOT DEM SOUR GRAPES!) Michael: OH YES YOU DO! YOU GOT DEM SOUR GRAPES! Poe: Whistling (SOUR GRAPES SOUR GRAPES! A GRIP OF SOUR GRAPES!) Michael/Poe: SOUR GRAPES! CINCINNATI SOUR GRAPES! Marylander/Raven Bros: YAAAAAAAAAAAA! Michael: I want to hear absolutely nothing about how the Bungles have to come back to M&T Bank Stadium for a primetime game, let alone one on Thanksgiving. Kate: Honestly, I feel like Cincy was due to have a home night game and they should have gotten it. Michael: KATE WE SHOULD NOT FEEL BAD FOR THEM AT ALL! Kate: Ok then. Michael: Jennifer, explain why. Jennifer: Bengals fans have no right to talk in general because they’re ringless and considering that the Ravens have beaten them in primetime at M&T the last three years, they haven’t earned the right to get said treatment. Not to mention there are two examples in previous years where the Ravens were given an unfair advantage on the schedule and never cried about it. Kate: And what would those be? Jennifer: From 2010-2022, the Ravens played the Bengals in the final game of the regular season 9 times, and 7 of them were in Cincinnati. Most of those games had playoff implications on the line one way or another. Michael: I remember that and to be fair, I didn’t even pay attention to that until around 2016. Jennifer: Playing that many games to end the season at Paul Brown Stadium is one thing, but this next stat is another. Michael: From 2011-2018, the Ravens played in either a primetime or standalone game against the Steelers at Heinz Field EVERY. SINGLE. FREAKING. YEAR! Jennifer: And in 2013 and 2014 both games were standalone games and in one of those years they played in the playoffs. Michael: What did the Ravens think of that, Jennifer: NOTHING! They went 5-4 and in 3 of those losses they had late game leads only for the Steelers to get bailed out by High End Talent. Michael: I know. As one of my all time favorite recording artists once said CRY ME A RIVER! Poe: Whistling (CRY ME! CRY ME!) Michael: That’s right Poe. If I’m Cincy I’m more worried about two of their better defenders holding out rather than their schedule. Kate: I know one thing for sure, this is all talk and the games won’t begin until September. But I do know one thing. Who’s got it better than the Charm City Beasts? Beasts: NOOOOOOOOBODY!!!

(CHARM CITY BEASTS)