Charm City Beasts (Season 5) Episode 11: Bring Out The Computer Overlords

The following is a special presentation of Bragging Rights Sports:

(Good Morning Baltimore playing)

BRAGGING RIGHTS SPORTS PRESENTS

A MARYLAND CULTURE PRODUCTION

“Ladies and Gentlemen, and friends, and fans, The Baltimore Ravens!” “BALTIMORE!”

Michael Hession, Jennifer Shoemaker, The Salty Marylander, Kate Addison, Poe, Edgar, Allan, and Darkness

“We are here to win, that’s our #1 goal period end of story. And my dream is to wake up in the morning and the Super Bowl Trophy is sitting in my nightstand, in my house and I get to nudge my wife and say look this is ours this is what we earned through our effort. How great will that be?” “NO WEAPON! NO WEAPON! FORGED AGAINST US! FORGED AGAINST US! SHALL PROSPER! SHALL PROSPER! NO WEAPON! NO WEAPON! FORGED AGAINST US! FORGED AGAINST US! SHALL PROSPER! SHALL PROSPER! IT’S OUR TIME! IT’S OUR TIME! IT’S OUR TIME! IT’S OUR TIME! RIGHT HERE! RIGHT NOW! RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW! RIGHT HERE! RIGHT NOW! WHAT TIME IS IT!? GAME TIME! WHAT TIME IS IT!? GAME TIME! ANY DOGS IN THE HOUSE!? WOO WOO WOO! WOO! ANY DOGS IN THE HOUSE!? WOO WOO WOO! WOO! WHAT TIME IS IT!? GAME TIME! WHAT TIME IS IT!? GAME TIME! ANY DOGS IN THE HOUSE!? WOO WOO WOO!”

“Now begins the journey.”

“HELL YEAH COACH LETS GO FOR IT!”

“What if they told you this was your last football game?”

“What if they told you this was the last time that you would wear this uniform?”

“How would you play?”

They ain’t gonna give it to you! We gotta take everything that they worked for!”

“There’s no place…… LIKE BALTIMORE!”

“WHO’S GOT IT BETTER THAN US!? NOOOOOOOOBODY!!!”

CHARM CITY BEASTS!

SEASON 5, EPISODE 11: Bring Out The Computer Overlords

(February 9 2025, Rental Apartment, Buffalo, NY)

“Show Me The Money! AHA! SHOW! ME! THE! MONEY!” Michael: Poe this is one of my all time favorite movies for a reason. Poe: Whistling (Boy that Rod Tidwell guy just wants to get paid buddy) Michael: Well in the movie he’s one of the best WRs in the NFL and is the reason why the Cardinals aren’t in Football Hell. Poe: Whistling (So in Ravens terms this is Zay Flowers) Michael: Sort of. OH HERE IT COMES! “SHOW ME THE MONEY! SHOW! ME! THE MONEY!!!” Michael/Poe: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Michael: Ah that never gets old. Poe: Whistling (Speaking of money, how much do you think we’re worth) Michael: I’d say the Charm City Beasts are close to around $20M. A lot of that is because of the investments made into our $3.6M giant media room we installed last year to go along with the $10M headquarters, plus Jennifer gets paid a lot for working for the biggest fashion store company in the state of Maryland. Poe: Whistling (Which her father has a majority stake in as well) Michael: I wonder how we’re going to grow on that total in the coming future. (RING! RING! RING!) Poe: Whistling (It’s the Salty Marylander) Michael: Oh boy, I don’t like this sign one bit. Poe: Whistling (Me too) Michael: What’s Up? Marylander: Boys you’re not going to believe this. Michael: What is it? Marylander: The Swiftie Empire’s headquarters got destroyed by the Philly Psychos! Michael: The question is which one got destroyed? Marylander: Uh, that I don’t know, let me look this up. Kate: It was their New York headquarters. Marylander: Thanks Kate, it was their NYC headquarters. Michael: Oh boy. I mean they still have a good grip of control over the rest of the land still, but they are flawed with that being said. Marylander: Yes they are. Which makes Jennifer’s injury that much devastating. Michael: I know because if she doesn’t get hurt, with how much momentum we had at the time, we probably take down the Mafian Horde at the bare minimum. Marylander: Yup, and obviously Mafia Man aka Hailee Steinfeld thinks we’re soft even though we agreed to concede the match. Michael: If my true love wasn’t in serious condition, there was no way I would have given up. Marylander: How’s she doing anyway? Michael: Well, unfortunately the recovery hasn’t gone that smooth, and she might be in the hospital until April. Marylander: Doesn’t Poe have a healing spell? Michael: Yes, but you are not allowed to have any type of potion in the emergency room. Marylander: I see. Michael: Back to what I was saying, considering that the Horde has headquarters in Buffalo, and Austin TX, the Swifties have headquarters in Kansas City, New York, and LA, and Dunnes have headquarters in Pittsburgh, and Baton Rouge, I think it’s time for us to join that trend. Marylander: You can’t do this, WE’RE SUPERHEROES! Michael: But I can. For as great as we are as the 8 of us, we can’t do this alone especially against the Swifties where they have like almost five thousand people in their army. Marylander: True. So what you’re saying is that we’re going to get an army. Michael: Yes, and that army of ours is going to be made up of computerized ravens who will have armor and metal all over them. Marylander: What are you going to name them? Michael: RavenBots. Marylander: Nice! But where are we going to build our secondary headquarters? Michael: I’m not sure, but I’ll talk this over with Jennifer once she’s out of the hospital in early April. Marylander: Ok then, but you better get to it or else we’ll be in catch up mode. Michael: On it.

(2 MONTHS LATER)

(April 2 2025, Buffalo Memorial Hospital)

Michael: It’s strange how they wanted the two of us to wait outside the emergency room. Poe: Whistling (I know, she’s been in the hospital for almost 3 months having to get all kinds of tests and treatments on that knee, and now finally she’s allowed to have some daylight) Michael: Exactly. (WHOOSH!) Michael: Oh boy. Poe: Whistling (C’MERE MY TV BESTIE!) Jennifer: MICHAEL! POE! Michael: HEY! The long wait is over. Jennifer: I know right! Michael: Don’t kiss me yet since you have to use crutches only for a few minutes. Jennifer: Why a few minutes, the doctors told me to carry these for like a month. Michael: Well guess what, once we get outta here, you won’t need them. Jennifer: REALLY! Poe: Whistling (I’ve got a healing spell ready to go) Jennifer: Wonderful! Poe: Whistling (This is a special one because it also can allow you to change your attire as well) Jennifer: Well, it looks like I’m going to be all dressed up in a minute no pun intended. Michael: Poe, I don’t know what we got ourselves into. Poe: Whistling (Well, it took me a very long time to brew this spell in the apartment kitchen) Michael: So that’s why we had ordered DoorDash every night. Poe: Whistling (Yup) (WHOOSH!) Michael: Alright Jennifer, I know this probably was the most tragic injury you’ve ever suffered, but after almost 3 months, the pain is about to be gone in just a moment. Jennifer: I’m really excited, this better be the best spell you guys have cooked up. Michael: Count me down Poe! Poe: Whistling (10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, LIGHTS OUT!) (BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!)

Michael: Man that was some explosion over that spell. Poe: Whistling (Like I said, this was a two for one spell) Michael: Thank goodness you and Jennifer still have both Elphaba and Glinda’s powers even though it’s been almost 5 months since you guys went full Wicked on the Dunne Dynasty. Poe: Whistling: (I know, and I love it) (How Deep Is Your Love playing) Jennifer: AAAAAAAAA OOOOOOOO! OOOOOOOO! AAAAAAAAA OOOOOOOO! Michael: Alright, how do we feel? Jennifer: I am… NORMAL! Michael/Poe: LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Michael: This is what I’ve been missing in my life. A healthy Jennifer Shoemaker who brings a smile and covergirl looks everywhere she goes. Jennifer: Hehehe. I’ve been waiting to do this for 3 months and I’m not willing to wait any longer to say this but…… C’MERE MY SWEET HANDSOME LOVING PRINCE CHARMING MICHAEL HESSION! Michael: I’m coming into your arms right now. Jennifer: AAAAAA!!! Both: MWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWA!!! Michael: I missed that feeling so much! Jennifer: There’s nothing more that I enjoy when I see you than putting my lips on yours. Michael: It’s been true since the moment we first met. Jennifer: And while we’re at it. I want another one. Michael: Ok then! With that being said, fire away Jennifer! Both: MWWWWWWWWWWWWA! Poe: Whistling (MY FAVORITE ROMANTIC COUPLE OF ALL TIME IS BACK BABY!!!) Michael: That’s right Poe! The wait is over and everything is back to normal! Jennifer: Now we can finally come back home to Baltimore and see everyone again! Michael: Can’t wait! I know I have a few business plans laid out for us in the future, but for right now, let’s just enjoy this moment of love. Jennifer: YES!

(April 3 2025, Charm City Beasts Headquarters, Baltimore MD)

Marylander: My goodness Eddie, you just devoured that whole box of pizza. Edgar: Whistling (I couldn’t help it, I’m starving, and I want to play me some more Madden) Marylander: Yup. I’m just about ready to head back to our mancave. (Sweet Escape playing) Kate: Don’t go down there yet, Michael’s going to be home any minute now. Allan: Whistling (Oh my gosh!) Darkness: Whistling (Jennifer must be out of the hospital) Kate: Not only that but thanks to Poe still having witch powers in him, he was able to craft a healing spell which has made her pain free. Allan: Whistling (WE’RE BAAAAACK!) (WHOOSH!) Michael: FREEDOM FROM THE LAND OF BILLSMAFIA AND BACK HOME IN BALTIMORE! Marylander: YAAAAAAAAAAAA! Michael: LETS GOOOOOO! Poe: Whistling (MY BROS!) Edgar/Allan/Darkness (POE POE!) Kate: JENNIFER! Jennifer: KATE! Kate: I missed you so much! Jennifer: I missed you too! Kate: Pain free I see. Jennifer: Well Poe came in at the right time and healed my knee. How’ve you been? Kate: I’ve been great. You’re not going to believe this but you and Michael aren’t the only couple in this building. Jennifer: Oh boy I wonder where this is going. Marylander: Since you’ve been gone and recovering from that torn MCL, Kate and I have started dating. Michael: I knew it! I figured that you were going to use the time that Poe and I were in Buffalo as a way to get to know each other closely. Kate: We went to see the Bob Dylan movie, we went out to a bunch of restaurants out in Owings Mills, and we’ve been doing early morning workouts every single day. Michael: I wonder if Edgar’s jealous that he isn’t hanging out with his bestie as much. Edgar: Whistling (I’m cool with it. I love playing the role of the third wheel) Poe: Whistling (Well you’re not alone big bro) Edgar: Whistling (At least the relationship you’re covering is the definition of romance while my bestie is taking his time with this) Marylander: Yes I am. Especially since I still enjoy hanging out with you. Edgar/Marylander: SHAKE AND BAKE! PAUSE.

Michael: The Ravens right now are at a very interesting spot right now. Yes they lost in the Divisional Round against Buffalo… AGAIN, but even for their rough defeat there were signs of hope. Planet LJ looked more relaxed than he’s ever been during the playoffs despite two early turnovers that were critical to the Bills building a 21-10. Not to mention the defense held its own in the 2nd Half despite giving up 250 rushing yards for the game. Why didn’t they win you ask? Not being able to stop the Bills on a 3rd Down, a sliver of REFBALL, Tyler Linderbaum having the worst game of his career as he made Ed Oliver look like Mean Joe Greene, and of course Mark Andrews. Poor thing. Considering that he came back from a broken ankle, nearly got killed in a car accident, yet still put up Pro Bowl type numbers is all for not. Just like Todd Heap in the 2006 Divisional Round loss to the Colts, Mandrews was burned by the one thing he takes great value in. Ball security. In his defense, the fumble he lost was less on him and more on Terrell Bernard making a great play to strip him clean. The 2 point conversion drop is unexplainable. Even worse is that this was the same thing that happened against Pittsburgh 3 years earlier. (The Ravens didn’t win another game after that drop) If this happens to be his last game as a Raven, it would be a very sad ending to what has been an incredible 7 years here in Baltimore (Ironically Heap went out the same way in 2010 against Pittsburgh). I know he probably won’t be the starter at TE because Isaiah Likely has all but earned that role with how he’s played the last two years, but at least give him a chance to redeem himself. Marylander: Exactly. I wanted him out of here at first, but considering what you just said it would be an awful way to go out considering that he’s the Ravens all time leader in total TDs. Michael: I would say this is the end of the offseason controversy but a familiar newspaper source poured gasoline on the fire. And I have a feeling it’s going to be a story that is very similar to that of Zay Flowers last year where it’s a rumor but isn’t true. (BOOM!) (Ravens’ Tucker under investigation with massage therapists) Marylander: And, and this is ridiculous. OF COURSE THE BALTIMORE BEATDOWN IS GOING TO PUT THIS OUT THERE FOR THE WORLD TO SEE WHY WOULDN’T THEY! DEAR GOD I WISH WE HAD A QUIET OFFSEASON! SOMEONE HELP MEEEEEEEEEEE! PAUSE.

Michael: Really? Of all the players on the Ravens, the guy who is the most likable and upbeat player on the whole team is the one under controversy. Justin Tucker has been accused by 16 different massage therapists over 8 locations in the Baltimore Area. Marylander: Word of advice to anyone here, don’t you even think about going there. Michael: I hear you. Marylander: THOSE WOMEN HAVE TROUBLE WRITTEN ALL OVER IT! Michael: Didn’t you get a massage there while me and Poe were waiting for Jennifer to get released from the hospital? Marylander: Yes, and it was not ok. Michael: Welp that makes a ton of sense. Kate: I’m more surprised that they are posting this now when a lot of those cases were reported from 2012-16. Michael: That to me is obvious. This is either the NFL wanting to get back at Baltimore for poorly treating Taylor Swift last year, or the Baltimore Beatdown trying to prevent themselves from getting memed on by the rest of America. Marylander: Or that Jerry Coleman called Buffalo the Worst Sports City in the USA, and BillsMafia bashed him for 2 weeks straight on Social Media. Kate: Oh that’s right. Marylander: To me I don’t want to be accused of making up something, but to me this was to try and cover up the humiliation that they suffered from Buffalo fans in January. Michael: True, although I don’t trust this source one bit. Jennifer: Why’s that? Michael: Jenn you see, the guy who first reported this story Justin Fenton, he was also the guy who reported the Zay Flowers story last year which ended up not being true. Jennifer: I see. Michael: My hope is that even if it is true, JT would only get fined for this, and like Mandrews he’d get another chance to redeem himself. Kate: Yeah. It would be rough for two of the most decorated players in recent Ravens memory to have their time in Baltimore end like this. Michael: That’s why we’re one of the most loyal organizations in sports. Marylander: It doesn’t matter if we get knocked down, it matters that we get back up. Raven Bros: Whistling (I GET KNOCKED DOWN! BUT I GET UP AGAIN! THEY NEVER GONNA BEAT ME DOWN! I GET KNOCKED DOWN! BUT I GET UP AGAIN! THEY NEVER GONNA BEAT ME DOWN!) Michael: EXACTLY! Now as long as this is the only scandal we’re good. (BOOM!) (Ben Cleveland arrested for DUI) Marylander: URK! Well at least he’s a free agent and considering that he’s been in Harbs’ doghouse his whole career, that’s not a big deal. (Ravens resign Ben Cleveland) THE HELL DO YOU MEAN WE RESIGNED HIM! Michael: Well at least that should be the end of it. (BOOOOOOOM!) (Terrell Suggs indicted in Arizona) Marylander: NO! SIZZLE! NOOOOOOO! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO THREATEN TO KILL A GUY! MY LIFE IS A LIE! PAUSE.

Michael: Wow. Freaking wow. If you thought that the Ravens offseason couldn’t get any crazier, Terrell Suggs who had been accused of trying to kill someone in a Starbucks parking lot in his hometown of Scottsdale last year has pleaded guilty to a reduced charge which means he can tell the local courtroom that it was a misdemeanor charge. Kate: Now I see why the NFL didn’t vote him in as a 1st Ballot Hall of Famer. Marylander: Kate, you and I may have a fast rising relationship but give me a break on this. Ray Lewis was charged with obstruction of justice in 1999 in Atlanta, and that didn’t stop him from being a 1st Ballot Hall of Famer. Kate: True, but this is different because the situation that Suggs is in is still going on while Ray’s was long past time. Marylander: I see. Not to mention we got screwed over in nearly every single award during the NFL Honors this year. Michael: And even more insane is that the guys we got screwed over in favor of all have the same last name despite not being related. Marylander: ALLEN! Jennifer: Now you see why we spell that differently. Allan: Whistling (Yup, I’m honored to be the reason why) Michael: Well sort of, but I get the point Allan. Allan: Whistling (I see) Jennifer: Jared Allen, and Eric Allen were elected over Suggs and Marshal Yanda into the Hall of Fame, while Josh Allen beat out Lamar for the MVP Award. Poe: Whistling (HI HAILEE! HAILEE SUCKS! HAILEE SUCKS! HAILEE SUCKS!) Michael: I was just gonna say that Poe. Edgar: Whistling (You and Poe must have been watching too much hockey out in Buffalo) Michael: Yup, we watched a ton of hockey while we were waiting for Jennifer to come out of the hospital. Poe: Whistling (Even though my first love is Maryland, I don’t have a problem rooting for Penn State once in a while) Michael: Thanks Poe, I really appreciated that. Alright that’s enough scandals for the offseason, let’s get into some free agency headlines… (BOOM!) (Steve Smith Sr accused of cheating with a Marching Ravens member) (Big Bill’s Hell theme playing) Marylander: ARE YOU KIDDING ME! WHAT THE HELL! HOW MANY FREAKING SCANDALS ARE THE RAVENS GOING TO GET THIS OFFSEASON!? Michael: I don’t know but now I see why he was the guest conductor during the pregame performance on Blackout Night this year. Why do you have to do all this nonsense? Marylander: I don’t know boss but this is perfect. Just like in 2000, WE’RE GOING TO BE THE BAD GUYS TO EVERYONE AROUND THE LEAGUE BABY! Michael: Yup, the Ravens are going to be Public Enemy #1 everywhere we go. Marylander: I don’t care if Lamar is suing Dale Earnhardt for using a stylistic 8 logo (It’s only a model so this should be settled soon) DO WE CARE! Raven Bros: Whistling (NO!) Kate: THIS IS A REVOLUTION WHEREVER YOU GO! WE ARE GONNA CHANGE THE WORLD! Michael: I like it, they’ll never know what hit them! PAUSE.

Michael: Finally we get to the free agency period of the offseason. Lets just say that Eric DeCosta and company have been very active this spring compared to years past. Especially when it comes to retaining impending free agents. Their biggest objective this offseason was bringing back Ronnie Stanley. And they were able to do so. At a team friendly deal. Marylander: $20M a year for 3 years, that’s cheap compared to what he was alleged to be offered. Jennifer: It’s ironic that he turned down less money from both the Chiefs and the Commanders (The Patriots too). Michael: That was Kansas City’s game plan this offseason. And now the Chiefs will probably get a tackle in the 1st Round to replace Joe Thuney who got traded to the Bears. Jennifer: I love it when our supposed rivals want what we built up. Michael: It never gets old. Anyways, Raven Brothers you’ll enjoy this. Patrick Ricard is coming back on a 1 year deal. Raven Bros: Whistling (FREE PANCAKES FOR EVERYONE!) Kate: I’ve got some fired up for you birds! Michael: Nice! Not to mention they brought back Tylan Wallace just to make sure that there isn’t a hole in the return game this year. Marylander: That’s good, but we need another weapon to take the heat off of Zay and Bate. Michael: That is true. Our offensive skill position room may be loaded but it won’t stop EDC from bringing in a man he’s been gunning for ever since he was promoted to GM after Ozzie retired. (BOOOOOM!) (Ravens to sign DeAndre Hopkins) Marylander: NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUK! PAUSE.

(Turn Up The Music playing) Michael: It is official. After 5 years of waiting, DeAndre Hopkins is finally going to be donning the Purple and Black. Even if his stint with a certain rival in Kansas City wasn’t as hoped up to be, and even though he’s going to be 33 this season, hey he’s still got something to prove. And he was teammates with King Henry in Tennessee which I believe played a big role in why he signed here in Baltimore. Jennifer: True, but from what I heard, it was John Harbaugh who was the main recruiter. Michael: OOOOOO! OK! Now that’s going to quiet every single hater of his that thinks he isn’t a good recruiter nor a great evaluator of talent. Jennifer: Harbs is to the Ravens what Earl Weaver was to the Orioles. Consistently near the top every year and always getting players who want to both win but be around a culture like this. Michael: That’s exactly where I was going to go with this. Jennifer: I know right. Michael: Speaking of Boy Wonder, the least surprising news of the offseason took place shortly afterwards. (BOOOOOM!) They extended him for 3 more years. Kate: It seems like that both he and Mike Tomlin over there in Pittsburgh will both go out at the same time. Michael: And considering that the Steelers extended Tomlin last year, I don’t think you’re wrong. 

(Love Lies playing) Marylander: HOLD ON A SECOND! THOSE YINZERS ARE TRADING FOR DK METCALF! Michael: Oh great. Thank god we didn’t go that way especially considering that they’re giving him $30M a year and he’s coming off a down season. Jennifer: And they right now have no solution at QB since Russell Wilson signed with the Giants. Michael: So basically they ditched the man married to Ciara to the man who’s now engaged to Normani who was formerly of Fifth Harmony and they’re probably going to sign Aaron Rodgers. Anyways… BRING OUT THE GOALIE CHANT! Marylander: HEY! LET’S GIVE A WARM WELCOME TO OUR GOOD FRIEND NORMANI! Raven Bros: Whistling (HI NORMANI! NORMANI SUCKS! NORMANI SUCKS! NORMANI SUCKS!) Michael: I can’t stop laughing! Jennifer: Well you have good reasoning for it. Michael: I know since Penn State Hockey is in the Frozen Four for the first time ever and this is the chant they use towards whoever the opposing goalie is at the start of each game. Jennifer: Love it! I’m so happy for you that you get to witness this. Michael: Yup, I know. Marylander: Speaking of our college teams, HOW ABOUT THOSE TERPS! Michael: I was just going to say that! Even though they lost to the Gators in the Sweet 16, Derik Queen’s quote after his buzzer beater which lifted Maryland over Colorado will live on in Baltimore Sports Lore. Edgar: Whistling (I’M FROM BALTIMORE THATS WHY!) Michael: That’s right Edgar! Anyways, back to what I was saying, now the Steelers have Normani, Dua Lipa, and Livvy Dunne on their side. Poe: Whistling (Which is why I want the home Christmas game in 2025 so we can bring out the real Glinda) Michael: Yup! If the Beyonce performance at NRG last season when we mauled the Texans was something, this would be even better. SINCE IT’D BE IN OUR HOUSE! Poe: Whistling (Then I could have that green beak for real) Michael: That’s right Poe. Hey Jenn! Do you have any more free agent updates for the Ravens? 

Jennifer: Uh yes my love. We signed Cooper Rush to be the backup to Lamar. Marylander: WOW! That I didn’t see coming, but hey it should prepare our defense to go up against the pocket passers of the league. ESPECIALLY THAT PRETTY BOY IN CINCY! YUCK! Michael: Very true. Jennifer: Speaking of the Bengals, their top corner during their Super Bowl run Chidobe Awuzie is now a Raven. Michael: LETS GOO! Marylander: And he played for the Titans last year! Michael: We don’t have to hear about LaDarius Webb, I mean Brandon Stephens anymore failing to locate the ball in his area. Marylander: GOOD! Michael: Salty Marylander, I smell a trend taking place. Marylander: I know exactly where you’re going on this. Michael: Remember when we had Steve McNair, Derrick Mason, and Samari Rolle in 2006 and they helped lead us to a 13-3 record that year? Marylander: Uh huh. Michael: It’s deja vu all over again. And like that regime, all of Nashville said that King Henry, D-Hop, and Awuzie were all washed. Marylander: Just you wait and see what we’re going to do with them. Michael: If D-Hop turns into 2012 Boldin, and Awuzie turns into 2012 Corey Graham, we should be in for a fun ride. Marylander: I was thinking more like 08 Mason, and 08 Rolle. But still I like it. Michael: Yup, WE’RE ABOUT TO DO SOMETHING NO AFC NORTH TEAM HAS EVER DONE! Marylander: A THREEEEEEEEEE PEEEEEEEEEEEEEAT! PAUSE.

(April 9 2025, Charm City Beasts Headquarters, Baltimore MD)

Michael: Good to see everyone here this morning, I know it’s bright and early and everyone wanted to sleep in today but hey it happens. Anyways, the reason why I’m calling this meeting is because I’m proud to announce that we’re going to have not one but two headquarters. Beasts: YAAAAAAAAAAAA! Jennifer: We know that we, the Charm City Beasts, are Baltimore’s ultimate heroes, but like most of our dreaded enemies, we need to have more than one place to call home, and give villains the element of not knowing where to attack us. Beasts: YAAAAAAAAAAAA! Michael: I must also admit that while you were recovering from that horrific knee injury this past winter, it helped me in the sense that I was able to find a code that will give us our own army by way of AI. Jennifer: BEHOLD THE COMPUTERIZED RAVENBOTS! Beasts: YAAAAAAAAAAAA! RavenBots: HELLO EVERYONE! WE ARE REPORTING FOR DUTY! Michael: Yes you are on time RavenBots. Anyways, these 6 foot tall machines will help us in the construction of our secondary headquarters as well as providing us with food, drinks, and in house service in both locations on a daily basis. Jennifer: And the best part of it all is that the RavenBots will be used whenever we go up against a dreaded villain with a giant army, especially Taylor Swift. Beasts: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Michael: You may be asking where exactly our secondary headquarters will be? Well considering that the Swifties have Los Angeles and New York, the Mafian Horde has Austin TX, and the Dunnes have Baton Rouge, LA, we decided to go to the one hotspot that surprisingly no one has decided to go near. Poe: Whistling (And where would that be boss?) Michael: Jennifer, you know what to do! Jennifer: COME ON SHAKE YA BODY BABY DO THAT CONGA! I KNOW YOU CAN’T CONTROL YOURSELVES ANY LONGER! COME ON SHAKE YA BODY BABY DO THAT CONGA! I KNOW YOU CAN’T CONTROL YOURSELVES ANY LONGER! Michael: That’s right. MIAMI FLORIDA! A trendy destination for transplants especially Baltimoreans. Marylander: Well the Orioles had Spring Training there before they moved to their current spring facility Sarasota. Michael: Very true.

Anyways, Jennifer, please explain how we’re building our secondary headquarters in South Beach. Jennifer: Well my parents and some of their colleagues at the fashion store that I worked at here in Baltimore just bought us a piece of land in Miami, and Michael told me that the building is going to be very similar to our B-More HQs from an interior perspective. It’s going to have a large media room, man cave for the Raven Brothers to hang out in, bedrooms, film room, laboratories, plus an outdoor pool and indoor bar. But there are a few cool wrinkles to this. There will be an indoor pool just in case it’s super hot because in June and July it gets hot and humid down there. We’ll have an outdoor putting green on one of the upper levels too, and here’s my personal favorite. A rooftop sports bar complete with TVs, central air conditioning, hot tub, a DJ booth, and an LED dancefloor. Beasts: OOOOOOOOOOOH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Michael: Let me guess Jennifer, you and Darkness are going to be up there any chance you get whenever you have downtime. Jennifer: Yup. I’m just hoping you’ll join me for some romantic sessions. Michael: Hehehe, I’ll see how I feel. In theory the only downside to this is that we would have to split up. Raven Bros: Whistling (Aw shucks!) Michael: But luckily I just installed a teleportation system inside one of the doors in our media room which will take around 30 minutes to warp any of us from our Baltimore headquarters to our Miami headquarters. Allan: Whistling (Why 30 minutes) Michael: Well it’s for safety reasons. First of all, it’s one at a time, you must hop into a 6 ½ foot tall metal container. You’ll press a button when you are fully inside the container which will activate a slide on an electrical grid. Marylander: How fast does it go? Michael: I’d say around 1000 MPH. Kate: ARE YOU CRAZY! Michael: Don’t worry, as long as you hit the blue weight control button before you hit the start button you’ll be fine. Kate: Ok good. Michael: However, this thing won’t be fully installed until the media room at our Miami headquarters is indeed completed. 

So with that being said, here’s the assigned headquarters sheet that I just printed out before the meeting. Jennifer, read this please. Jennifer: Alright, so four of us will be staying here in Baltimore and four of us will be going to Miami. Staying here will be the Salty Marylander, Kate, Edgar, and Allan. Going to Miami will be Michael, myself, Poe, and Darkness. Michael: Salty Marylander, you think you can handle being in charge here. Marylander: Of course, plus this time we’ll have the RavenBots to provide us with in house hospitality. Michael: Thank you. Marylander: You’re welcome. Michael: Anyways thank you for coming, and right now Jennifer and I are off to South Beach to get started on the construction efforts. Edgar: Whistling (How long will it take to build this thing) Michael: Considering that I’m going to program hundreds of RavenBots off my computer, I’d say probably a week. Edgar: Whistling (That quick!) Michael: Well Edgar, we’re not cavemen. Jennifer: WE HAVE TECHNOLOGY!

(A FEW HOURS LATER, Miami FL)

Michael: Well this thing might just get done in like 52 hours because I just installed and programmed 2632 of the finest RavenBots in the land. Jennifer: Ironically that’s the same number of consecutive games that Cal Ripken Jr played during his 21 year Hall of Fame career. Michael: Jennifer, I wanted to pay homage to the Greatest Shortstop in Baseball History and by doing that I programmed that many RavenBots. Plus it’ll take us the same amount of hours as Ray Lewis’ jersey number. Jennifer: I love the irony. But where are we going to put all of those bots? Michael: We’re going to have three underground levels of storage for these bots, and all of them have teleportation necklaces which means they can warp from place to place in seconds. Jennifer: But why can’t we do that as humans. Michael: Our teleportation system is different because we’re humans and they’re robots, and humans have a much harder time getting teleported in this system as I learned when I first found out about this while you were still recovering from the torn MCL that you suffered in Buffalo when we tried spoiling the Mafian Horde’s Winter Formal. Jennifer: I see. Darkness: (Hi guys!) Michael: Oh hey Darkness, I didn’t know you were here with us. Darkness: Whistling (I jumped on a late flight, and took an Uber to where you told me the piece of land was. Michael: Interesting, so I see that as soon as this place is finished, you want to jump right into that DJ Booth and get everything sorted out. Darkness: Whistling (Yessir) Michael: That’s great, anyways, RavenBots, GET TO IT! RavenBots: OPERATION HEADQUARTER CONSTRUCTION IS A GO! “HERE WE ARE DON’T TURN AWAY NOW! WE ARE THE WARRIORS THAT BUILT THIS TOWN! (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) HERE WE ARE DON’T TURN AWAY NOW! (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) WE ARE THE WARRIORS THAT BUILT! THIS!! TOWN!!! (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) FROM DUST!”

(2 DAYS LATER)

RavenBot #1: HELLO MR HESSION, THE CONSTRUCTION EFFORTS ARE ALL FINISHED. Michael: Thank you so much RavenBots! Without you guys this place is not ready for action in 52 hours. RavenBot #1: IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE WE CAN DO FOR YOU MR HESSION? Michael: I want most of you bots to go down into your layers in the underground floors. However, I want ten of you to be on in-house hospitality duty here and ten of you to teleport yourselves to Baltimore and help out the others you got me. RavenBot #1: OK MR HESSION! Michael: Thank goodness there are like 20 of you right in front of me, and are the rest of the bots in the layers. RavenBots: YES MR HESSION! Michael: Ok, so the 10 of you on the left stay here and the 10 on the right you’re going back to Baltimore. Got me. RavenBots: YES MR HESSION! Michael: Oh boy, the robot idea has really helped us. And we’re probably going to need pretty much them all when we come up against the Swifties. Poe: Whistling (Hey buddy) Michael: OH! Poe, you scared me! Poe: Whistling (Sorry about that) Michael: It’s all good my man. Poe: Whistling (This place is amazing!) Michael: I know right. Looks like you jumped into the teleportation container and slid yourself all the way here to South Beach. Poe: Whistling (I did indeed. Man, is it hot) Michael: Yup, it’s like 90 degrees outside. Anyways, let me give you a tour of the place. Poe: Whistling (SWEET!)

Michael: So here’s the media room which is similar to the one we have in Baltimore, and it’s also pyro-proof so get ready for some flares and bottle rockets. (BOOM BOOM!) Right on cue eh? Poe: Whistling (WOO! That was fast!) Michael: I hear you. As you may know, it has LED lights all over the walls. Poe: Whistling (Will this be where we shoot media shots for Season 6) Michael: Sort of. Some will be shot here and some will be shot in Baltimore but we made sure that each media room looked the same. Poe: Whistling (COOL!)

Michael: Here’s the main floor which is the indoor bar, living room, and a patio in which a view of South Beach is literally right there. Poe: Whistling (A trendy romantic spot for you and Jennifer, eh?) Michael: Eh, maybe. Jennifer and I each have our own offices to hang in as well on this flood, but there are plenty of places in this building that are trendy spots. Just you wait and see. Poe: Whistling (Ok buddy)

Michael: The second floor is the bedroom floor. Each of us as well as the others who aren’t here now have our own rooms, shower areas, and closets. Poe: Whistling (I’ll probably enjoy sleeping here since I have my own bed for once) Michael: Good way to put it Poe. Poe: Whistling (Thanks buddy!)

Michael: The third floor contains the man cave where you guys will play video games in, and the film room which is where we will hold meetings. For Season 6, we will be doing Minecraft Wars which means that the four of us who will be here will be facing the four who will be in Baltimore for an entire season. Poe: Whistling (I wonder how that’ll work) Michael: I’ll post more details about that before Season 5 comes to a close. You got me? Poe: Whistling (Nice!) Michael: This should be a fun way to have some fun even though we’re now in two locations. RavenBot #2: GOOD AFTERNOON GENTLEMEN, DO YOU WANT ANYTHING TO DRINK? Michael: No thank you please. RavenBot #2: OK MR HESSION.

Michael: The fourth floor is the pool floor. We have regular pools on the left side and lap pools on the other. Just so you know the water temperature is around 80 degrees indoors and 70 degrees outdoors. Plus there’s a hot tub in between the two pool areas. Poe: Whistling (I thought they’d put the hot tub on the rooftop) Michael: The RavenBots had second thoughts, and personally I don’t blame them because we didn’t have anyone to walk two flights of stairs soaking wet at any time. Skin or feathers. (Jump by Flo Rida playing) Poe: Whistling (CANNON BALL!) Michael: OH GOSH! (SPLASH!) Poe: Whistling (WAHOO!) Michael: I know I didn’t get wet but man is it going to take some effort to dry your feathers off. Poe: Whistling (Sorry. I wanted to go for a little swim) Michael: It’s all good. I don’t blame you because you’re already enjoying the new digs. RavenBots! RavenBots: REPORTING FOR DUTY MR HESSION. Michael: Poe is soaking wet and he needs to be dried off whenever he decides to get out of the water. RavenBots: ON IT MR HESSION. (BUZZZZZZZZZ!) Poe: Whistling (Nice and dry) Michael: Thanks RavenBots! RavenBots: YOU’RE WELCOME MR HESSION.

Michael: The fifth floor is the fitness floor where we’ve got all kinds of machines and workout devices ready to go. Poe: Whistling (Edgar and the Salty Marylander whenever they come will enjoy this) Michael: Oh you best believe it. Not to mention there’s also two putting green areas on each side of the floor. Poe: Whistling (Sweet!) Michael: It’s interesting that it’s just you and me doing this tour because I was totally expecting Jennifer and Darkness to join us. Poe: Whistling (Where could they be) Michael: They’re probably on the rooftop. Poe: Whistling (What’s up there?) Michael: You know, an outdoor sports bar with TVs, a driving range for you guys to drive golf balls into the water, and of course an LED light up dancefloor with a DJ Booth accompanying it. Poe: Whistling (I have a feeling you’re going to be on that dancefloor in just a moment) Michael: Knowing Jennifer and her fun loving habits, I may not have a choice. But today, I’m not in the mood for dancing with her, especially since we just finished building this place and I need some time to relax and watch the Orioles game. Poe: Whistling (I hear you buddy) Michael: If you can’t tell I have my City Connect gear on. Poe: Whistling (SWEET!) Michael: Good thing you brought your I🖤MD shirt with the Maryland themed pants. Poe: Whistling (I came prepared for a change of attire) Michael: Well that’s what happens when you come in your bathing suit and then go for a swim. Poe: (Yup) Michael: Yes you did. Well we may be expanding our brand to Miami, but we’re first and foremost, BALTIMORE ROOTED! Poe: Whistling (BIIIIIGGG TRUUUUUUUZZZ!)

Michael: And we’ve reached the end of the tour as this here is the rooftop area. Poe: Whistling (OOOOOOOOOOOH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!) Michael: What do you think? Poe: Whistling (I LOVE IT!) Michael: Just what I wanted to hear. Poe: Whistling (Thanks for the tour again) Michael: You’re welcome. (I’m a Slave 4 U playing) (BOOM! BOOM!) Just as I thought! Poe: Whistling (What’s that boss?) Michael: Poe, it’s been only about an hour since the RavenBots finished building the rooftop area, and Jennifer Shoemaker has already consumed the LED dancefloor whole with Darkness in the DJ Booth. Poe: Whistling (How shocking!) Michael: Poe this is who she is. That woman had to spend nearly 3 months in the hospital, and once we gave her that healing spell, it’s like she never got hurt in the first place. Poe: Whistling (Yup, and I just love it when you two love each other) Michael: Yes, but not right now. Poe: Whistling (I hear you. Although I haven’t seen her in this dress before) Michael: Same. It’s very tropical and obviously she’s in heels. Never change Shoemaker! Poe: Whistling (At least she hasn’t caught your eyes yet) Michael: Knock on wood Poe. Poe: Whistling (I’ll knock as hard as I can) Jennifer: BUT I FEEL LIKE TALKING I FEEL LIKE DANCING WHEN I SEE THIS GUY! Poe: Whistling (Uh Oh!) Jennifer: WHAT’S PRACTICAL. WHAT’S LOGICAL. WHAT THE HELL. WHO CARES! ALL I KNOW IS I’M SO HAPPY WHEN YOU’RE DANCING THERE! IMMA! (POP! BOOM!) SLAAAAAAAVE 4 U! Michael: She just thinks she’s Britney Spears now? Poe: Whistling (Well this year is the Silver Anniversary of our Super Bowl blowout over the Giants in which Spears was one of five halftime show acts that night) (POP! BOOM!) Michael: That totally explains it. Poe: Whistling (I hope she comes for Blackout Night this year with being said) Michael: Uh I don’t know about that. We’ll just have to (BOOM!) Jennifer: BABY! DON’T YOU WANNA! DANCE UP ON ME! Michael: Uh, Jennifer? You okay there? WOOOOOOAH! (BOOM!) Jennifer: OH BABY! DON’T YOU WANNA! DANCE UP ON ME! Michael: Hey, I see you’re loving the rooftop area a little too much. Jennifer: LETS GO! (POP!) Poe: Whistling (Looks like he couldn’t fight it) Jennifer: LIKE THAT! (POP!) Darkness: Whistling (And they’re about to dance again. Lovely.) Poe: Whistling (Michael doesn’t want this, but he has no choice. Oh and there’s a pyro system too.) Jennifer: NOW WATCH US! (BOOM!) Poe: Whistling (Darkness I don’t know about you but it felt so boring without watching these two just have so much fun together.) Darkness: Whistling (Uh, since when did Michael’s mood change so quickly?) Poe: Whistling (I don’t know) (WHOOSH!) Both: MWWWWWWWWWWA! Darkness: Whistling (They’re probably the only couple that I know that kisses when they dance) Poe: Whistling (And what’s crazy is that the kiss so inevitable as soon as Michael twirls Jennifer) Darkness: Whistling (Captain Wincinnati and his crew should have put us away when they did.) Poe: Whistling (But they blew it, and since then those two have gone from lovebirds to the ultimate lovebirds) Darkness: Whistling (I know. Even the Salty Marylander and Kate are starting to develop chemistry with each other) Poe: Whistling (True, but not like this) Darkness: Whistling (Yup, they still have a long way to go before they reach the romantic level that these two are on) Jennifer: AAAAAA! THIS FEELING! Poe: Whistling (Then the lift. Once again as expected with those lovebirds) Darkness: Whistling (Yup, it seems like every time Jennifer wants me to cue something up on my boombox, you know she wants Michael to come up and dance with her. And here at our Miami headquarters it’s going to be commonplace) Poe: Whistling (If they weren’t as in love as they are, Michael doesn’t fall for this. But that’s never ever been the case with these two) (WHOOSH!) Both: MWWWWWWWWWWWWWA! (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) Poe/Darkness: Whistling (YAHOOOOOO!) 

Michael: I’m good, I’m good. Jennifer: Same. I’ve been up here rocking myself on this floor for the last 3 hours, and now my feet are burning me. Michael: That’s a first! Never have you told me that your feet have been burning from wearing high heels until today. Jennifer: Well that’s because I was in the hospital for 3 months basically, so now I’m adjusting to being all fancy again. Michael: True. I must ask, how do you feel about not having to work in the fashion industry anymore and instead now being with us full time? Jennifer: It’ll sting for me at first since I basically ran the downtown store for over 2 years, but overall I won’t mind it because I get to be with you all the time. Michael: I know. But as I can tell, you may not be in the fashion industry anymore, but that won’t stop you from dressing up for work. Jennifer: You know it. Even though you’re going to be casual during office hours, I’ll still be office formal. Michael: I’d say business casual if you consider baseball jerseys as short sleeve button downs. O’s, Ravens, and Nittany Lions. Jennifer: I always forget they gave out a Ravens baseball jersey at an O’s game in 2023. Michael: They did and I have that with me. Anyways, luckily for you here at our Miami headquarters, the floors are much more prone to high heels than compared to our main headquarters in Baltimore. Jennifer: SWEET! Michael: I set it up this way considering that both of us will be here more than anyone else given that this place will probably be a hotspot for villains to try and attack us on the spot. Jennifer: Oh for sure. I love our location here in Charm City, but the hypothetical castle we have here in South Beach is gorgeous. Michael: Yup I feel like every villain of ours will be jealous since this building is much better looking than any facility they have. Jennifer: Which is fitting because we’re basically the prince and princess of the 410 and we need our own hotspot for romance. Michael: I wouldn’t say it like that because we’re trying to give our enemies the element of surprise in not knowing where to attack us, but I get it. Your parents and some of their colleagues wanted to build this in a setting where we could be alone. Jennifer: They did. Although we technically aren’t alone because Poe and Darkness are here with us too. Michael: Well Poe especially wanted to join us because we’re his two best friends, and he enjoys watching us lay our love out for each other. Jennifer: Hehehe! Both: MWWWA!

Poe: Whistling (Well if it isn’t those lovebirds) Jennifer: Hi Poe, we were just talking about you. Poe: Whistling (Sorry if I had to interrupt you two sneaking in a kiss) Jennifer: It’s all good, anyways, I was saying that even if this may be a romantic setting for both me and my handsome prince, I knew you and Darkness wanted to come with us. Poe: Whistling (Yup. As much as I enjoy hanging out with my brothers, Kate, and the Salty Marylander, I always feel more relaxed when I’m around you two. And I just enjoy watching you guys love each other) Michael: Poe, that’s so nice of you. Although I must admit this. We built this place for several reasons. We wanted to increase our value, cause confusion as to where villains should locate us, create a comforting and exciting experience both at work and in entertainment. Jennifer: And to build it in a setting that is so romantic especially at sunset. Michael: I knew you were going to say that. Jennifer: Hehehe. You’ll enjoy this. WE BUILT THIS PLACE MOST IMPORTANTLY TO MAKE THE SWIFTIE EMPIRE JEALOUS!!! Michael: YESSSSSSSS! They may have headquarters in NYC and LA as well as Kansas City but none of those buildings are as good looking as this one is. Darkness: Whistling (I love it!) 

(RING!) Michael: The Salty Marylander is calling me, he wants to check in and see how we’re doing. Jennifer: That’s fine. Anyways, thanks for keeping me company on the dancefloor. Michael: You’re welcome. Jennifer: MWA! Marylander: WHAT UP WHAT UP! Michael: How are we doing buddy? Marylander: I’m hanging in there. How’s the new place in Miami? Michael: Well it’s as good as advertised. I just took Poe on a tour of the complex. Marylander: And what’d he think? Poe: Whistling (I LOVED IT!) Michael: There’s your answer. Marylander: I’m so jealous that I haven’t stepped foot in that building even though it’s a similar structure to our main headquarters here in Baltimore. Michael: Well you will be here in Miami come the night of the NFL Draft. Marylander: Why’s that? Michael: You know how Jennifer and I went to Detroit last year? Marylander: Uh huh? Michael: Well this year, she’s going to be covering the draft for us, only this time Kate will be joining her. Marylander: Ok. I see they wanted a girl’s weekend in Green Bay. Michael: Sorta. Which leads me to this. Myself, Poe, and Darkness will be at M&T Bank Stadium for the Draft Watch Party in Baltimore, while you, Edgar, and Allan will be on the rooftop at our Miami headquarters. Marylander: OH YES! Michael: Well I may have the local crowd at my side on Draft Night, I promise you there’s going to be a lot of Ravens fans in South Beach as well. Edgar/Allan: Whistling (ARRRRRRR!) Michael: What’s up Edgar and Allan! Marylander: Anyways I’ve gotta go, Kate wants me to play some Wii Sports Tennis with her. Michael: NICE! Catch you later. Marylander: Same. 

Darkness: Whistling (Who was that?) Michael: That was the Salty Marylander. He’s kinda desperate to check out the new digs. Darkness: Whistling (Interesting) Michael: Hold on a second. Jennifer, I need to talk to you for a minute. Jennifer: Yes my love. Michael: Remember how you and I went to Detroit last year for the NFL Draft? Jennifer: Yes. Are we doing it again this year? Michael: Eh, kinda. Although this time instead of me, Kate will be joining you in Green Bay. Jennifer: That’s cool. I haven’t really gotten to spend much time with her even before the injury since it was always with you and Poe. Michael: That’s why I set it up this way. Jennifer: Anyways, what are you planning on doing come April 24. Michael: Darkness, Poe, and myself are hosting a Draft Watch Party at M&T, while the Salty Marylander along with Edgar and Allan will have the rooftop area all to themselves here in South Beach. Well not really, there will be a good chunk of Ravens fans to greet them. Jennifer: Cool! You want to go watch a movie with me and Poe? Michael: Of course, what’s on the menu tonight? Jennifer: We watched the first Mission Impossible movie before we left Baltimore to build this hotspot so why don’t we watch the 2nd one tonight. Michael: Let’s do it! Poe, Darkness? Poe: Whistling (Yes buddy) Michael: We’re going to watch Mission Impossible II. Poe/Darkness: Whistling (YES!) Michael: Get ready for some high drama that’s coming our way. Jennifer: The rough days are over and everything is normal even though the other half of our team is 1500 miles north of us. Michael: Indeed it is… I see that look in your eye again. Poe: Whistling (HERE SHE GOES!) Jennifer: MWA! MWA! MWA! MWA! MWA! Michael: Ok, OK! Enough with the mistletoe even though you enjoy doing so. WHO HAS IT BETTER THAN THE CHARM CITY BEASTS Jennifer/Poe/Darkness: NOOOOOOOOOOOOBODY!

(CHARM CITY BEASTS)