Charm City Beasts (Season 5) Episode 7: The Room Where It Happens

The following is a special presentation of Bragging Rights Sports:

(No Mercy playing)

(PREVIOUSLY ON CHARM CITY BEASTS)

GQ Marketer: Would you like to be on the cover of the latest edition of the GQ Magazine. Jennifer: I WOULD LOVE TO!

Jennifer: GUESS WHAT! I’M GOING TO BE ON THE COVER OF GQ MAGAZINE!

Michael: I just realized something. Marylander: What would that be? 

Michael: HE’S TRYING TO STEAL MY GIRL! Marylander: When will people learn?

Michael: There is only one conclusion as to how we’re going to handle this potential trap. Marylander: And that is… Michael: WE’RE GOING TO NEW YORK! YORK! YORK! YORK!

(BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!)

(Where The Streets Have No Name playing)

“After being challenged in ways we couldn’t have imagined.”

“Things are different this year, especially here.”

“A place that epitomizes all we’ve been through, and all we hope to be.”

“We may have been knocked down, but we will get back up.”

“THERE’S NO PLACE LIKE BALTIMORE!”

(BRAGGING RIGHTS SPORTS PRESENTS)

“This is a place where different backgrounds and beliefs converge.”

(A MARYLAND CULTURE PRODUCTION)

“We’re a city that is defined by resilience, and fueled by what’s possible.”

“LISTEN TO ME! WHEN GOD TELLS YOU SOMETHING! BELIEVE HIM! BELIEVE HIM!”

“And God’s powers give way to a ray of hope.” (Michael Hession)

“Hope that we will defend the place that we built from the ground up.” (Jennifer Shoemaker)

“Hope that we can accomplish the goals that we set out to achieve.” (The Salty Marylander)

“Hope that nothing will hold us back from where we want to go.” (Edgar)

“And hope for our team and city to rally together as one.” (Allan)

“Those who define what it means to be a Raven.” (Poe)

“Have that never say die mindset every single day.” (Darkness)

“The reality is this. (Kate The Great)

THIS IS THE TOWN WHERE OUR HOPES BECOME REALITY!”

“WE ARE!” “WE ARE!” “WE ARE!” “WE ARE!” 

CHARM CITY BEASTS!

(Season 5) Episode 7: The Room Where It Happens

(December 12 2024, Charm City Beasts Headquarters)

(Jingle Bell Rock playing) Poe: Whistling (Um, I’m snug as a bug in a rug) Michael: Indeed you are Poe. I love how you guys already have your ugly Christmas Sweaters on. Poe has his Ravens sweater, while Edgar went for the Hanukkah candles again. Edgar: Whistling (Well the Salty Marylander is jewish so I have to pay homage to my bestie) Marylander: It’s always cool for me that I get to celebrate two holidays come December. Poe: Whistling (No wonder why you get so much stuff every year) Marylander: Duh. Allan: Whistling (What do you think of my Rudolph sweater?) Michael: Very festive. Not to mention Darkness has a Santa sweater. Darkness: Whistling (Ho Ho Ho!) Michael: Speaking of the holidays. Jennifer: THIS WEEK’S SKIT IS A GINGERBREAD HOUSE BUILD OFF! Edgar and Poe vs Allan and Darkness. Michael: Interesting choice eh? Anyways the rules are simple. Whoever can build the best gingerbread house possible wins. Jennifer will be the judge given her experience with designs. Jennifer: I may be an expert fashionista, but I am good at judging things if you get my point. Marylander: Boy did you pick a good girl boss. Michael: Ok, that’s another conversation. Anyways. BEGIN THE CONSTRUCTION! Marylander: We have gumdrops, twizzlers, skittles, M&Ms and marshmallows for the Raven Brothers to choose from. Michael: And even better news we have different color twizzlers so it doesn’t just have to be the red ones. Marylander: Also, NO EATING UNTIL THE COMPETITION IS OVER! Michael: And that only goes for the winning team. Raven Bros: Whistling (AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!)

(1 Hour Later)

Michael: Times up, alright Judge Shoemaker, what are your thoughts? Jennifer: Thanks again, it appears that this is going to be a very hard one to judge. Edgar and Poe mostly used gumdrops, and marshmallows, while the others used two whole bags of twizzlers, and a bag of skittles. Michael: I see why, they wanted to make their gingerbread house, as close to a Ravens themed house as possible. Jennifer: WHICH IS WHY THEY’RE GOING TO WALK AWAY WINNERS TODAY! Michael: WOW! Marylander: OH DOCTOR! Allan/Darkness: Whistling (LET’S GOOOOOOOOOO!) Michael: I know Edgar and Poe designed a really good house and were more creative colorwise, but in this culture, if you build a Ravens themed gingerbread house, you’ll usually win. Jennifer: That’s what they did, and in my book that’s a winner. Michael: Alright you two, DIG IN AT THE LEFTOVER CANDY! And I know you’ve got a lot of them. So take it easy. Allan/Darkness: Whistling: (YUM! YUM! YUM! YUM! YUM! YUM!) PAUSE.

Michael: I can safely say that Thanksgiving Week for the Ravens was a tale of two games. In the first game, Boy Wonder Johnny Harbaugh wanted his precious narratives over his brother Jim to be maintained on a grand scale. Even though the Chargers jumped out to a 10-0 lead in the 1st Half, Harbs made some of the most gutsy play calls known to man. Think of a 4th and 1 Brotherly Shove on his own 15 yard line which led to a half ending TD to take the lead. Marylander: THERE YOU GO JOHNNY! Michael: In the 2nd Half he rolled the dice not once but twice on 4th Down in an attempt to try and stretch a 17-16 lead. And both times they converted thanks to King Henry running like a mad man. Even when the refs tried everything to hand the Bolts the game on a silver platter, the Ravens were just the better team in nearly every phase of the game. Even the defense has turned a corner following the 34 points they gave up to the Bungles. Marylander: How did that one official rule the Mark Andrews TD incomplete when he clearly had control of the ball and had both feet down. Michael: I don’t know Salty Marylander, but like you, I mostly believe that the NFL wants Taylor Swift vs either Hailee Steinfeld or Livvy Dunne in the AFC Championship. Marylander: Which is why we must bring out the star of Wicked or the star of Challengers for the 2nd Blackout against those rotten Steelers. Michael: Exactly. We need as many celebrity Flock members as possible. Marylander: But the NFL isn’t going to listen to this crap even when we had the succubus known as the Kardashians last year. Michael: We were the least penalized team in the league last year thanks to CELEBRITY REFBALL just so we’re clear. Marylander: WHICH IS WHY WE NEED THAT!

Michael: Anyways, the next week was a different story. The Boys in Purple took an early 9-0 lead against the Eagles thanks to Philly getting in their own way with penalties and blown coverages. But once Nick Sirianni’s team got those errors out of the way, they completely outmuscled the Ravens in every sense of the word. Marylander: This is probably the first time in what seems to be an age where the Ravens lost a game because the other team was better. Jennifer: FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOREVER! Michael/Marylander: WE GET IT! Jennifer: My bad, the weather is starting to drop so I couldn’t help bringing up a Frozen reference. Michael: You’re good, now please don’t make me watch that with you tonight. Jennifer: Well you might have no choice. Michael: Oh great. Poe: Whistling (I don’t know how you and I are going to put up with this) Jennifer: Oh you’ll be fine. Anyways, please continue. Michael: As I was saying, that game said more about the Eagles and how good they can be at their full potential. Jennifer: And they beat us without DeVonta Smith and Darius Slay nonetheless. Michael: If I’m Detroit, Minnesota, or Green Bay, I’d be cautious about possibly seeing Philly on the schedule come playoff time. Marylander: Do you know what the worst part about Sunday’s game was? Michael: I think all of us know the answer to that question. Play the clip… Philly Fans: FLY EAGLES FLY! ON THE ROAD TO VICTORY! E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES! Michael: Yup. That was probably the biggest opposing fan takeover in M&T Bank Stadium History. Marylander: Well it was the perfect storm. Thanksgiving Weekend, Raven PSL owners giving up their tickets, localists not wanting to pay up for expensive seats, Philly on an 8 game win streak, a chill setting over the city, the longtime fans having a grudge towards Bisciotti because of the Anthem Protests in 2017 and getting rid of the Color Guard Trott. Michael: I definitely agree with you on this. Although just like 2000 and 2012, WE’VE GOT ANOTHER MAJOR CONTROVERSY! BOOOOOOOOOOM! (Diontae Johnson suspended by the Ravens for refusing to come into the game against the Eagles) Marylander: GOODNESS GRACIOUS GREAT BALLS OF FIRE! PAUSE.

(Before He Cheats playing) Michael: I’m going to make one thing very clear. If you are drafted by the Pittsburgh Steelers and you happen to play WR, there’s a super high chance you’re going to develop a diva personality who always whines when things don’t go your way. Diontae Johnson is another in a long line of them. Marylander: AB, JuJu, Martavius Bryant, Chase Claypool, Eli Rogers, George Pickens, and now Diontae. Michael: I feel like the last non-diva they’ve had at receiver was Hines Ward, and even then he was such an unlikable figure to anyone outside of YinzerLand. Marylander: There you go. Michael: Looks like Omar Khan knew what he was doing this past offseason by trading Johnson to Carolina for Donte Jackson. So far, that has been a massive win for the Steelers because Jackson has been a key piece in their secondary, and now Johnson has probably put himself in danger of being on the unemployment line. For as much as the fanbase has thrown John Harbaugh and Eric DeCosta under the bus for molding this team into the NFL’s version of Penn State only to get the results as Penn State rather than continue the Ozzie model of mold them into the NFL’s Alabama, this is nowhere near their fault. Why? Because the Ravens are the equivalent of Caves Valley Golf Club which is ironically the club that Steve Bisciotti belongs to. Marylander: YOU MUST BE ON YOUR BEST BEHAVIOR NO MATTER WHAT! Michael: The reasoning is because if something like this pops up whether it’s an off the field incident or arguing with the coaches, no matter how good you are, if you commit one of these actions, NOPE! WHO CARES YOU’RE CUT OR SUSPENDED! It’s either everyone follows the rules of this team, OR NO ONE DOES! Jennifer: 100%. I know we didn’t bring this up, but what are they gonna do with JT after he’s gone through the worst season of his career. Marylander: I’d say one of two things. Give him the Matt Stover treatment and bring in a kicker who will only be used for 45+ yard attempts while Tucker does everything else, OR, GET RID OF CHRIS HORTON! Michael: Horton is in the final year of his contract, and it wouldn’t surprise me if he wasn’t brought back after this year. Marylander: I agree. He was solid early on, but now he’s a liability, and thank goodness he likely won’t be back after this year because of his contract situation. By the way, how many years does Harbs and EDC have? Michael: Both of their contracts are up after 2025. Marylander: So if things go south, we could have a complete makeover come 2026. Michael: I hope not, because we need another Lombardi NOW! Marylander: I agree, at least when we won it all in 2000 and 2012, we had drama filled seasons like this one. Michael: That’s our only hope. As long as they can beat the Giants this week, we won’t have to hear that talk, for now. Marylander: PLEASE DON’T LAY AN EGG THAT RIVALS 2007 AGAINST MIAMI! PAUSE.

“We interrupt this program to inform you that the rest of this episode features the Charm City Beasts going on a quest to New York City to stop a GQ Marketer from stealing Jennifer away from Michael. And we have a surprise for you in the form of another new member joining the Beasts. You can thank the Salty Marylander for scouting this one time volleyball player from Temple while the cast was in Los Angeles over Thanksgiving. PAUSE.

(December 13 2024, Charm City Beasts Headquarters)

Michael: Who are you texting with Salty Marylander? Marylander: Nothing. Michael: Come on buddy, I don’t wanna nag you about this. Marylander: Ok fine. You know why Edgar and I didn’t come back from one of the sports bars while we were in LA a few weeks ago? Michael: Uh no, tell me. Marylander: Well we accidentally ran into a girl who looked to be in her early-mid 20s who was hanging out with her family at one of the bar tables. Michael: Ok then. I wonder who this happens to be. Marylander: Her name was Kate Addison, but she also goes by KATE THE GREAT! Michael: I wonder where she got that moniker from. Marylander: She was once a star volleyball player at Temple, but then injuries derailed her during her senior year. And this forced her into an acting career, but after a few rough months at Paramount, she quit. But then, she evolved into a black belt at Tiquando at a clinic in downtown LA. And recently she stopped a massive bank robbery that took place in the heart of Hollywood near single handedly. She called me that night after the robbery and told me that if you or Jennifer were interested in having her join the Charm City Beasts, she would greatly appreciate it. Michael: I mean we could use another deadly weapon considering that the Dunne Dynasty is planning on attacking us any week now, and that the Mafian Horde has rebounded after we embarrassed them back in September. Marylander: NOT TO MENTION THOSE DAMN SWIFTIES! Michael: Yup, by the way, where did she grow up? Marylander: Howard County native, her parents are Ravens PSL owners. Michael: NICE! Marylander: I told her about Jennifer’s situation this weekend, and she might come up to New York to help us just in case. Michael: That sounds good. It’s gonna give us a full dose of how good she really is. Marylander: That’s right.

Michael: Hold on a second, looks like you’re all packed up and ready to go. Jennifer: I know right. I’ve always wanted to be featured in a magazine, and now I’m getting that chance. Michael: You’ve earned it with how hard you’ve worked since you arrived in January. Jennifer: Thank you my love! Can I get a kiss before I go? Michael: You know what I’m gonna say. Jennifer: Hehehe. Both: MWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWA! Michael: Good luck out there. Jennifer: Bye everyone, see on Monday. Raven Bros: Whistling (SEE YA JENN JENN!) (WHOOSH!) Poe: Whistling (Isn’t GQ supposed to be a boys magazine?) Michael: Yes it is Poe. Poe: Whistling (So why would they ask Jennifer and not you) Michael: I know exactly why. Occasionally they do bring in a girl to be featured in the latest edition of the magazine, but that is very very rare nowadays. Allan: Whistling (Why’s that) Michael: Their marketing director according to legend has a notorious reputation for being a troublemaker. (DA! DA!) Darkness: Whistling (You can’t be serious) Michael: Darkness, this is a legitimate fact. Since he was hired by GQ in 2015, this man has asked approximately 6 different females including Jennifer to be featured in that magazine. Around the time the 4th one came to New York back in 2019, he decided that he wanted romantic interest in that woman. And it worked. He not only got her to fall in love with him, they ended up getting married. However, they got divorced not even 2 years into their marriage because it was discovered that the girl was in a significant relationship at the time that she appeared in the magazine. So part of that was her lying. But he doubled down on this not too long after that. The next time he asked a female to be on GQ, he took her to dinner in New York, they went lips on lips all night, then got married in 6 months, and then he was divorced again back in October. In this case it was because he cheated on her. Marylander: How did he cheat on that woman? Michael: From how I see it, he saw what we did to the Mafian Horde especially considering that said Horde absolutely marched the Swiftie Empire straight out of Buffalo, and said “YOU KNOW WHAT,  I NEED TO BRING IN JENNIFER SHOEMAKER AND CONVINCE HER TO FALL FOR ME AND IT’LL BE A HAPPY ENDING UNLIKE THE LAST TWO TIMES I TRIED THIS!” Well guess what, he wanted to bring in Jennifer, and luckily for him she said yes. But little does she know that he’s going to try and change her life completely.

Allan: Whistling (This is some story you’re telling Michael) Michael: I know Allan. I know this is a long monologue that I’m on right now, but the bottom line of this whole situation is simple. (Womanizer playing) THIS MAN IS A WOMANIZER! Marylander/Raven Bros: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT! Michael: I AM NOT LETTING HIM TAKE MY GIRL ESPECIALLY WHEN WE’RE THIS CLOSE TO GETTING ENGAGED AND CONSIDERING THAT LIVVY DUNNE IS ABOUT TO ATTACK US NEXT WEEK! Poe: Whistling (When are you going to propose to her?) Michael: I’m planning on not doing that until we knock off the Swiftie Empire considering that we have unfinished business with them. Poe: Whistling (Oh I see) Michael: And even then, it may have to wait because we still have to handle the Mafian Horde as well as the Dunnes at the same time. Edgar: Whistling (Which makes the feeling of victory and validation that much sweeter) Michael: Very true. Anyways, we have to bring this marketing guy to justice, we can’t let Jennifer go through with this. Marylander: Come on boss, are you sure you’re not just jealous? Michael: Of what? Her being featured in GQ or that marketing guy who’s going to try and mind control her into falling for him? Marylander: The marketing guy. Michael: UUUUUUUUUH! Allan: Whistling (What’s gotten into Michael?) Poe: Whistling (Allan, he really wants to embarrass that GQ guy) Michael: BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO STEAL MY GIRL! Poe: Whistling (I’ve never seen you have this much affection over Jennifer since you two first fell in love) Michael: Poe this isn’t because of how much I love her, it’s because IF WE’RE GOING TO TAKE DOWN THE DUNNES, SWIFTIES AND THAT GIANT HORDE FROM BUFFALO, WE NEED JENNIFER SHOEMAKER AT ALL COSTS BECAUSE SHE IS THE X FACTOR IN US DOING SO! Marylander: She is the most talented one of us all, and has the ability to throw our enemies off guard with her party dress with heeled sandals combinations. Michael: Well at this time of the year it’s too cold for her to do that, but I get the point. As they say in Animal House, NOTHING IS OVER UNTIL WE DECIDE IT IS! WAS IT OVER WHEN THE PHILLY PSYCHOS BOMBED ARIZONA IN 2022!? Poe: Whistling (Philly Psychos, I think he’s on a roll) Michael: GQ GUY! HE’S A DEAD MAN! LIVVY, DEAD! HAILEE, DEAD! TAY-TAY, TOTALLY DEAD! WHO’S WITH ME! Marylander: LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Raven Bros: Whistling (YAAAAAAAAA!) PAUSE.

(December 15 2024, New Jersey Turnpike)

Michael: Oh I can only imagine how fascinated that GQ marketing guy is going to be once we step in his office. Marylander: I know, he’s gonna have no idea what hit him. Michael: He’s lucky that I left Poe in charge of keeping our headquarters all safe and sound, which means he won’t have to face him, nor Allan, nor Darkness. Marylander: HE’S GONNA GET THE BIG GUNS RIGHT IN HIS FREAKING FACE! Edgar: Whistling (Hey is Kate coming?) Marylander: Yes Edgar, Kate is going to join us once we get to the GQ building. Michael: She’s the girl that you two ran into in LA right? Edgar: Whistling (Yup) Michael: I’m interested to see what kind of skills she has. We could really use another outstanding weapon especially with Livvy Dunne on the horizon next week. Edgar: Whistling (Why don’t you just focus on trying to get Jennifer out of New York) Michael: There you go Edgar. Salty Marylander, how much traffic is there going into the city? Marylander: It’s going to take us an hour to get there even though we’re right at the Meadowlands complex. Michael: Oh great. I think it’s time for Plan B. Edgar: Whistling (What would that be boss) (Lift Off Launch playing) Marylander: JET SKIS! Edgar: Whistling (LETS GO! The tough guys must show out!) Michael: It may be in the high 30s low 40s, but it’s still shirt sleeve weather for the three of us. “VROOOOOOOOOOOOM! VROOOOOOOOOOOM!” “The Giants are averaging just 10 points per game at home this year. As Graham Gano kicks it off, and Justice Hill on the return from his own 4 yard line, Hill crosses the 30! He’s got some room. Hill at midfield, and Hill finally out of bounds in Giants territory. A 59 yard return. Michael: IT’S TIME FOR US TO MAKE OUR PRESENCE FELT ONCE AGAIN! Edgar: Whistling (BAD BOYS! BAD BOYS! Whatcha gonna do?) Michael/Marylander: WHATCHA GONNA DO WHEN THE BEASTS COME FOR YOU!

(GQ Magazine Headquarters, New York City)

(SNAP!) SNAP! SNAP! SNAP!) GQ Marketer: How does that look to you? Jennifer: Just the way I like it. GQ Marketer: Man you’re one of the most attractive figures we’ve had come onto this set. Jennifer: How so? GQ Marketer: You always have some kind of dressy outfit ready to go, and the objective is to throw your enemies off guard. Jennifer: When I first joined the Charm City Beasts, I knew I was going to be a star right away. Well maybe not right away because we ended up getting captured like literally when Michael and I first met. GQ Marketer: Um, now tell me about Michael, he seems like a nice guy. Jennifer: You better believe it. Ever since he entered my life almost a year ago, I’ve never been the same. GQ Marketer: Wait, so you and Michael are a couple as well as partners? Jennifer: Yes, why do you ask. GQ Marketer: Well I assumed that he brought you in because he thought you were an incredible athlete who had the looks. Jennifer: Interesting. Anyways, why are you giving me that look? GQ Marketer: I don’t know. I just love the way you look right now. Jennifer: Uh, ok? I’m going to go and get my stuff. (ZAP!) Jennifer: OUCH! That really hurt! WOAH! GQ Marketer: MWWWWWWWWWWWA! “1st and 10, and Jackson keeps it, Lamar at the 20, Jackson inside the 15. Lost the football! Had it knocked out and the Giants have it.” Jennifer: Did you just kiss me? GQ Marketer: INDEED I DID JENNIFER! (DRAMATIC MUSIC) LOOKS LIKE WE’RE GOING TO HAVE A BLAST FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT! Jennifer: Yeah, great. PAUSE.

Michael: Hi, I’d like to speak with Mr Conde Nast. Receptionist: I’m afraid he’s unavailable because they are shooting shots for the upcoming GQ magazine cover. Michael: Yes I know, but I really need to speak with him. Receptionist: And why would that be? Michael: I’m the leader of a team called the Charm City Beasts. Receptionist: Isn’t one of your teammates being featured on the next edition of GQ. Michael: Mam, you would be correct. And she’s not just any teammate, she’s my true love. Receptionist: Oh, so are you mad that she’s getting a picture and you’re not? Michael: No, it’s because your marketing guy from what I can tell has a romantic interest in her, and not to mention he’s already done this with the last two girls that have been on the cover. Receptionist: How do you know this is all true? Michael: Because one of my colleagues has had a subscription to GQ for the last several years, and we recently looked up the guy and saw that he’s been divorced twice. Receptionist: Maybe it was because they didn’t get along at one point of the marriage. Michael: I hate to tell you but in both scenarios the girl he went for was in another relationship, just like I am right now with the girl that you guys wanted to put on the cover of that magazine so badly. Receptionist: I don’t believe you. Michael: Well too bad because it’s the truth. Receptionist: Then you’re not coming inside the office wing. Michael: Maybe you should reconsider your thoughts. (WHOOSH!) “Once again Baltimore starts with great field position, and there he goes! Lamar Jackson, SHOVING! Stroman out of bounds” Receptionist: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

(The Room Where It Happens playing) Michael: Now who dropped the receptionist into a trash hole via dark powers? Kate: That would be me? Michael: Who are you? Kate: I’m Kate Addison also known as KATE THE GREAT! Michael: Michael Hession. Kate: Nice to meet you Michael. Michael: Nice to meet you too. It looks like you must be the girl that the Salty Marylander has been texting with almost every day right? Kate: Indeed. From what he told me, you guys needed some help with trying to get one of your crew members out of New York. Michael: Well thanks for your help. Also I like the purple tracksuit, it fits right in with the Kate the Great moniker. Kate: Thank you. I have a ninja background from taking a year of taekwondo after I left Paramount so it works for me. Marylander: Looks like the receptionist fell for trying to defend one of her colleagues. Michael: Yup. I feel like Kate, just like Jennifer Shoemaker before her, is going to be absolutely critical in our path towards conquering the Swifties, Dunnes, and Mafians. Kate: Except I probably won’t have the same affect for the Salty Marylander that Jennifer has for you, but hey you never know. Edgar: Whistling (Agreed) Michael: 100%. I’d say take baby steps with this if I were you.  Marylander: Even though the two of us have been texting with each other everyday since we first met, I honestly have to agree with you, especially since WE’VE GOT BIGGER FISH TO FRY! Michael: And one of them is trying to get the aforementioned fashionista out of the hands of that womanizer. COME ON GUYS! LET’S GO!

Jennifer: Look I’ve told you this before, I’m not interested in going out to dinner with you tonight, at this point I’d rather stay at the hotel and order food from my room. GQ Marketer: Come on, it’ll be fun. We’ll pick wherever you want to go. Jennifer: Let me guess you’re going to try and turn this into a first date. GQ Marketer: No, I always take whoever is on the magazine cover of GQ out to dinner once all of the shooting and interview stuff is over with. Jennifer: Well I’m not going. GQ Marketer: Ok then. MWWWWWWWWWWWWA! Jennifer: STOP! JUST STOP! GQ Marketer: Do you want to be on the cover or not, because I can easily tell the staff to ask someone else to be on it. Jennifer: No, I want to be on the cover. GQ Marketer: Then you better do as I say and come to dinner with me. Jennifer: I will, if you stop treating me like I’m your girlfriend which I’m not! GQ Marketer: Jennifer from the moment I called you, I saw something special in you, and you’ve really been that way and thensome since you came up to New York this weekend. You are probably one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever met and I… Michael: WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE!!! Jennifer: MICHAEL!!! GQ Marketer: You’ve gotta be kidding me! “Play Clock just about to expire, Jackson fires, Touchdown! Mark Andrews!” Michael: WHAT DID THEY SAY TO YOU TO GET YOU TO SELL NEW YORK CITY DOWN THE RIVER!!! GQ Marketer: Why are you quoting Hamilton? Michael: Don’t give me that crap! I know what you’re up to, and it has trouble written all over it! GQ Marketer: We literally just did shots of her for the magazine, what else should I tell you. Marylander: GIVE US THE WHOLE STORY! GQ Marketer: That was the whole story. Michael: GET HIS ASS AND JUMP ON TOP OF HIM! (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) “DeVito under center, trying to push the pile forward, and he didn’t get it.” GQ Marketer: AAAAAAAAA! STOP IT! STOP IT! PLEASE I BEG YOU! Michael: NOOOOOOOOOOO! “Jackson looking deep down the field. Bateman is wide open! At the 10, at the 5, and Bateman gets in! Touchdown Baltimore!” Jennifer: And this is why you don’t mess with the Charm City Beasts. Because my handsome looking prince in particular will make you live to regret it. GQ Marketer: Ugh. Where am I? Marylander: NIKE SWOOSH! Michael: We may be Under Armour guys, but we’re giving you the swoosh for one reason and one reason only. GQ Marketer: Alright. First of all before I begin, I must say that you’re not going to want to hear this Michael. Michael: Oh I’m definitely prepared for what you’re going to say since this further proves a point that I’d like to make once you’re finished with this crap. 

GQ Marketer: I recently was divorced and felt heartbroken in the process. But then I saw a headline that you guys had defeated Captain Wincinnati and the Queen City Gangsters in their attempt to try and take over the biggest nightclub in Baltimore, I said I need to get one of them to come to New York so that they can be on the cover of the next GQ magazine. Marylander: This is the same crap that Livvy Dunne tried pulling off with us too. GQ Marketer: Quiet please. After looking at the information at every single one of you guys, I felt in awe of Jennifer based on her reputation for being a fashionista as well as an incredible athlete. It was a love struck feeling that I had, and I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to call her and have her come to New York. Then after we took photo shots of her, and then I asked her out because we always take the cover figure out to dinner while they are in New York with us. And then I kissed her. “Illegal use of the hands, hands to the face, Defense #99. Half the distance to the goal, automatic 1st Down.” Michael: Just as I thought. Jennifer: Well if there’s any good news for you Michael it’s that I’ve never been kissed by a creep before, and I will never be kissed by one again. GQ Marketer: Who’s the creep that you’re talking about there? Michael: YOU! YOU NECTO FACED CO2 BREATHING SELF-POLLINATING PHOTOSYNTHESIZING CIRCULATING BEER DRINKING DECIDUOUS PLAYBOY HEADED PUNK! The fact that you convinced GQ to cover up all of the crap you’ve done over the last decade is an indictment on the entire company! GQ Marketer: You can’t do that to me? Michael: Yes I can sir, and the Salty Marylander right now is holding up a public record of yours that has every single thing you’ve ever done since you got this job. GQ Marketer: Well, if that’s how you see it, YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO CATCH ME THEN! “It’s Singletary, fighting his way to the goal line, and he’s in! Touchdown Giants!” (WHOOSH!) 

Kate: DEAD! MAN! WALKING! Marylander: You got that right Kate. Jennifer: Who’s the new girl by the way? Michael: Jennifer, this is Kate Addison also known as Kate the Great. She was the girl that the Salty Marylander and Edgar hung out with in LA a couple of weeks ago. Jennifer: Oh nice, so it looks like I’m not the only girl on this team. Kate: Thank goodness. Although I will try my best to not ruin the romantic chemistry between you and Michael as well as helping us overtake the Swifties as well as any other major superpower. Jennifer: Thank you Kate, I really appreciate it. Speaking of my handsome prince, do you have any idea where that GQ guy went? Michael: From what my radar is telling me, he’s stealing one of our jet skis. Edgar: Whistling (Oh great) Marylander: Looks like we’re going to have to think extra about this. Michael: Indeed we are. Here’s the plan. Edgar, Kate, and the Salty Marylander, you guys grab one of those motor boats from the New York Harbor and chase him along the Hudson. Jennifer, you and I will go to the George Washington Bridge. You know how in rock climbing you’re attached to a rope that carries you up and down. Jennifer: Uh huh. Michael: I’ve got two of those kinds of ropes with me, which means we’re going to drop down from the bridge and then grab the GQ guy just as he’s about to escape. Jennifer: This sounds risky, but I would do anything for you. Michael: You just made my day with that quote right there. Jennifer: Hehehehe. Both: MWWWWWWWWWA! Michael: Alright guys, LET’S GET THIS THING ROLLING!

GQ Marketer: FREEDOM! YOU’LL NEVER CATCH ME CHARM CITY BEASTS! (Everybody playing) Marylander: YOU CAN TAKE THAT THOUGHT AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS! Kate/Edgar: WE’VE GOT YOU NOW! “Jackson. Out of the pocket again, buying time, now coming back the other way, Lamar, he’s gonna run it, gotta a lot of room to run, into Giants territory, and still going! Jackson, with a big one for Baltimore!” GQ Marketer: HELP ME! Kate: SPEED UP THE BOAT SALTY MARYLANDER! Marylander: On it! “Jackson to the end zone, Bateman’s done there! (BOOM!) HE’S GOT IT! Touchdown!” Kate: His engine is down! Edgar: Whistling (Look at him he’s all soaking wet and freezing himself) Marylander: This is why we’re the tough guys, and girls if you count Kate and Jennifer. Kate: Thank you, that was so nice. UP TOP! (BOOM!) Marylander: BOSS YOU THERE! Michael: Yes what is it? Marylander: We just destroyed his jet ski. Michael: OH YEAH! THATS WHATS UP!

(A few moments later)

GQ Marketer: I give up, I surrender, you guys are just too good, at least let me have my dignity. Michael: Come on guys, his white flag is no match for our paintball and ice guns! Marylander: CHARGE!!! (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) “Jackson, to the end zone, wide open! Did he get the feet in? Yes touchdown! Devontez Walker!” Jennifer: YOU SHOULD HAVE NEVER ASKED ME TO COME TO NEW YORK YOU PUNK! YA! “Tim Boyle, flushed out, on the move, rolling right, comes back, throws, and it is juggled and incomplete!” GQ Marketer: MAKE IT STOP! Michael: I don’t care, this is what you get for trying to steal my girl and the most gifted member on my squad! KEEP FIRING AWAY EDGAR! “Jackson, on the run, wide open Agholor, he’s got it.” Edgar/Marylander: SHAKE AND BAKE! (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) “2nd and 9, wide open is Hill. Hill at the 20, 10, he can walk it in. Touchdown Baltimore.” Michael: Kate, tie him in knots! Kate: Gotcha. GQ Marketer: Eh. Jennifer: And it looks like he’s dead. C’mere to me my love. Michael: Don’t you kiss me yet Jennifer. I just figured something out. Jennifer: What is it? Michael: That GQ marketer actually isn’t real. Jennifer: How so? Michael: I feel something soft on his face, and I think we need to figure out what this is. Marylander: This could be like that fight with the Mafian Horde where we discovered that Mafia Man was Hailee Steinfeld. Michael: That’s right, thank you for reminding me. Kate: Is this going to be one of those Scooby Doo type of scenarios where someone else is in that mask? Michael: Yes it is Kate. Kate: Get the popcorn ready! PAUSE.

Michael: Ok gang, lets see who this GQ Marketing Guy really is? (DRAMATIC MUSIC!) Michael/Jennifer: SAM KEEHAN! Michael: OH DOCTOR! He’s still mad at me all these years later after being jealous of my supremacy in Middle School even though I’m doing my best to be super humble. Jennifer: From I see it, his plan was to compose himself with the looks of someone who’d work at GQ, sweet talk them into hiring him, then ask girls to be on the cover, then eventually get them to form marriage, and if that didn’t succeed, it wouldn’t stop him from trying again. And then once he heard that we took down that dreaded captain from the Queen City, he wanted to steal me from Michael just so he could get his long awaited revenge on my prince. Sam: AND MY PLAN WOULD HAVE BEEN A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU IF IT WEREN’T FOR THAT MEDDLING HESSION GUY AGAIN! Michael: Boy do I love me some precious narratives both past and present. Security, take him away! Kate: Wow, I feel inspired by being around you guys. Michael: Well you should be. Jennifer: If you thought this was great, just wait until next weekend. Kate: What’s happening next weekend that you are so excited about. Marylander: THE REMATCH! Kate: Please tell me it’s with the Swifties! Michael: No, we’re up against Livvy Dunne and her fast rising machine. Now how are Poe, Allan, and Darkness gonna react to this story when we get back to Baltimore?

(December 16 2024, Charm City Beasts)

Allan: Whistling (How many times have you ordered pizza since they left Poe?) Poe: Whistling (Too many to count. I can’t help it. I love pizza.) Darkness: Whistling (Well since neither of us can’t cook because we’re birds, ordering food off of UberEats and Dominos was a smart decision am I right?) Poe: Whistling (Whistling (It was indeed. Now when are the others coming back?) (WHOOSH!) Allan: Whistling (Speak of the devil) Michael: Hello boys! How’ve you been? Poe: Whistling (Good, no robbers in town this weekend, plus the security system was properly working) Michael: What did you guys do for food? Allan: Whistling (We ordered Chipotle, Chick-Fa-La, and Dominos, although Poe ordered Dominos like five times) Poe: Whistling (PIZZA!) Michael: Never change my man! Poe: Whistling (Thanks buddy!) Darkness: Whistling (How was New York?) Marylander: Mission Accomplished! Raven Bros: Whistling (LETS GOOOOO!) Jennifer: I got exactly what I wanted for my early Christmas Present. I’m now on the cover of GQ, and the guy who asked me to come to New York suffered the worst beating he’s ever taken in his life because he tried having romantic interest in me. There’s only one person that makes me who I am today. DARKNESS! GIVE ME SOME BLEEDING LOVE PLEASE! Darkness: Whistling (Alright, here it is.) (Bleeding Love playing) Michael: I’m not gonna say a word. Poe: Whistling (Same. It doesn’t matter what’s being stacked up against you, you’ll find a way to succeed) Michael: Thank you Poe. I mean this was not an easy time, I knew that Jennifer was going to be in harm’s way, and thank goodness she’s alive and well right now. Poe: Whistling (I’m glad that both of my best friends are still the lovebirds that they are) Michael: You better believe it. By the way, thanks for keeping us company Poe. Poe: Whistling (You’re welcome buddy.) Michael: WOOOOAH! Jennifer: BUT I DON’T CARE WHAT THEY SAY! I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU! THEY TRY TO PULL ME AWAY, BUT THEY DON’T KNOW THE TRUTH! MY HEART’S SCRIBBLED BY THE VEIN THAT I KEEP ON CLOSING! Michael: Woo. Jennifer: YOU CUT ME OPEN AND I KEEP BLEEDING, KEEP KEEP BLEEDING LOVE! I KEEP BLEEDING, KEEP KEEP BLEEDING LOVE! KEEP BLEEDING, KEEP KEEP BLEEDING LOVE! YOU CUT ME OPEN! Michael: That’s my girl right there! Both: MWWWA! MWWWWWWWA! MWWWWWWWWWWWWWWA! PAUSE.

(Furious Fire playing) Michael: Jennifer I love you, and believe me I want us to kiss the night away, but right now, WE’VE GOT BIG FISH TO FRY! Jennifer: You mean? Michael: What else could I mean? Jennifer: TAKING DOWN THE MENACE KNOWN AS LIVVY DUNNE! Michael: That’s right, we are less than a week away from when she told us that she would come to our headquarters. Kate: Then why is this going to be a battle? Marylander: BECAUSE LIVVY IS USING THAT AS A WAY TO TRY AND PLOT A PLAN TO DESTROY OUR CITY! Kate: Oh I get it. Jennifer: When we last left it with her, she wanted to come over to watch film on how to defeat the Swifties, but what we are assuming is that she’s tricking us into that just so she can stake her claim as the next great empire in the land. Poe: Whistling (Well she wanted us to join her, but we wisely said no) Kate: OOOH! That’s some gamesmanship right there. Michael: Kate, this is your chance to make yourself into a household name. Marylander: If you give the Dunne Dynasty the same kind of fits that Jennifer gave the Swifties when she joined the Beasts, you’re going to get a ton of respect drawn from other major powers. Kate: I don’t know if I can reach Jennifer levels of fame, but I have the ninja-like talent to pull it off. Michael: That’s the spirit. Before we go any further guys, I have made the conclusion that we won’t bring out our Blackout outfits for the battle with the Dunnes. Marylander: WAIT, WHAT!? Raven Bros: Whistling (Come on, this was perfect) Michael: Well I just saw a post that said that the Dunne Dynasty tech team was crafting all black outfits with which means that’s what they are probably going to bring out this weekend. Kate: What would Plan B be? Michael: Kate, you’re going to wear the all purple tracksuit you have on now, just make sure you wash it well. Kate: I got it. Michael: Myself, Edgar, Allan, Darkness, and the Salty Marylander, are going all purple. Edgar: Whistling (Same outfits as the fight with Captain Wincinnati even though me and my bros wore out Salute to Service gear?) Michael: No, not the Purple Rising gear Edgar, just all purple like you guys wore for that duel in Texas with Rowdy. Edgar: Whistling (Ok then) Kate: What about Jennifer and Poe, aren’t they going all purple? Michael: Nope, and it’s for this reason and this reason only. Jennifer/Poe: There is no fight we cannot win, JUST YOU AND I DEFYING GRAVITY! Kate: Wow! Which one is which? Jennifer: I’m going full Glinda and to my side is Elpha-Poe. Poe: Whistling (I don’t cause commotions, I am one) Kate: I love it! Considering that you two are in full Wicked Mode, it looks like Livvy has her work cut out for her. Michael: I like it, they’ll never know what hit them. Alright Salty Marylander, I know you’ve got a question. Marylander: A QUESTION IF I MAY! WHO HAS IT BETTER THAN US! Beasts: NOOOOOOOOOOBODY!!!

(CHARM CITY BEASTS)