The following is a special presentation of Bragging Rights Sports:
(Where The Streets Have No Name playing)
“After being challenged in ways we couldn’t have imagined.”
“Things are different this year, especially here.”
“A place that epitomizes all we’ve been through, and all we hope to be.”
“We may have been knocked down, but we will get back up.”
“THERE’S NO PLACE LIKE BALTIMORE!”
(BRAGGING RIGHTS SPORTS PRESENTS)
“This is a place where different backgrounds and beliefs converge.”
(A MARYLAND CULTURE PRODUCTION)
“We’re a city that is defined by resilience, and fueled by what’s possible.”
“LISTEN TO ME! WHEN GOD TELLS YOU SOMETHING! BELIEVE HIM! BELIEVE HIM!”
“And God’s powers give way to a ray of hope.” (Michael Hession)
“Hope that we will defend the place that we built from the ground up.” (Jennifer Shoemaker)
“Hope that we can accomplish the goals that we set out to achieve.” (The Salty Marylander)
“Hope that nothing will hold us back from where we want to go.” (Edgar)
“And hope for our team and city to rally together as one.” (Allan)
“Those who define what it means to be a Raven.” (Poe)
“Have that never say die mindset every single day.” (Darkness)
“The reality is this. THIS IS THE TOWN WHERE OUR HOPES BECOME REALITY!”
“WE ARE!” “WE ARE!” “WE ARE!” “WE ARE!”
CHARM CITY BEASTS!
(Season 5) Episode 2: BREAKING FREE IN TEXAS
(From the Week 1 Recap Document That Was Never Posted)
Ravens vs Chiefs: What a better way to get the NFL Season started then by having perhaps the two best teams square off in front of a mad house at Arrowhead! For as hyped as this game was going into it, I saw a lot of common errors pop up along the way. The Ravens have to overcome heinous REFBALL once again and the fact that their Offensive Line is still a massive work in progress. (Also they didn’t play any starters in the preseason. Yeah not good) The Chiefs despite having a better group of weapons compared to last year did make quite a few costly mistakes inside the red zone. Luckily for Kansas City they did manage to take a 10 point lead deep into the 4th Quarter because Patrick Mahomes and Xavier Worthy are starting to form a nice connection that’ll rip up defenses all season. (Buffalo, WHY?) That and they’re almost invincible in those circumstances especially now that the NFL has been meat riding them endlessly. However… “HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY!” People tend to forget that Lamar Jackson is just as dangerous with the ball in his hands as Mahomes is. Despite Baltimore’s rust and early mistakes, Planet LJ is dragging his teammates kicking and screaming back into the game when the Ravens should be dead to rights. Look at it, they’ve stopped the Chiefs and are getting the ball back with a chance to tie or win the game despite all of the elements they’ve been up against. Like most games between these two teams over the past several years, the outcome is going to be decided by one play. Cue the music, “Chiefs rush four, Lamar trying to make magic happen, throwing end zone, Likely two feet down, (FULL MARYLANDER ACTIVATED!) YES! TOUCHDOWN! WHAT A PLAY! ISAIAH LIKELY!” (DRAMATIC MUSIC) (HOLD IT) “After review, the runner’s toe hit out of bounds, it’s an incomplete pass.” The Taylor Swift Handicap strikes again. In typical Ravens fashion, they get trolled by the Football Gods at the 11th Hour thanks to self inflicted wounds and being inches away from potentially stealing the game. (All six of the matchups between Lamar and Mahomes have been decided by one momentum turning play in the 4th Quarter. The Chiefs have gotten five of the six) Honestly though, I wouldn’t go too hard on the Ravens because of the fact that they were down double digits in the 4th Quarter and nearly came back to win. I really hope these two teams get together again in the playoffs, epic endings like this prove it. (Please for the love of all things holy, that game needs to be at M&T Bank Stadium)
(September 19 2024, Charm City Beasts Headquarters)
Michael: Man, I’m still a little bummed that we got trolled when it came to stealing the ring. Jennifer: Don’t worry my love, this war is still far from over. Michael: You got that right. We’re not getting pranked by the Swifties again. WE’RE GOING TO STOP THEM! Jennifer: Damn right! Poe: Whistling (You’re onto something buddy!) Michael: I know I am. But we gotta wait a few months to do so. Poe: Whistling (Ah shucks!) Michael: Poe, I hear you, but we gotta focus on other things, although Jennifer did talk to me about a possible character plot for when we do see them again. Although she didn’t tell me which exact character. Poe: Whistling (I wonder who it is? Hopefully it’s someone who’s a true superhero) Jennifer: I’M! DEFYING! GRAVITY! Michael: I knew it. YOU’RE OBSESSED BECAUSE WE’RE GOING TO USE THE MAIN LINE OF THAT MUSICAL/MOVIE WHEN THIS WHOLE THING IS OVER! Jennifer: Yes I am. I want to be the one who kills the Wicked Witch of the West that is Taylor Swift. Poe: Whistling (Isn’t that going to be all of us?) Jennifer: It is Poe. Anyways, I’m going to dress up as Glinda to throw Tay-Tay off guard when that battle does come, and Poe I want you to play the role of Elphaba or in your case since you’re a boy, Elpha-Poe. Poe: Whistling (Is that supposed to be someone who looks like a witch) Jennifer: Yes. But it’s going to be near impossible to pull off since we’d have to paint your head and beak green. Poe: Whistling (No thank you. Although I will bring out an all green Salute to Service themed uniform to go with the black cloak and the witch hat) Michael: Ok, ok, you’re planning something that’s four months in advance. Don’t get too high. Jennifer: I’m not, I just wanna beat those Swifties so bad, so Poe and I are pulling out all of the stops. Michael: I see. Jennifer: I want you to play the role of Fiyero during the battle. (Macarena Bayside Boys Remix playing) Michael: Uh, no thank you please. Jennifer: Why not? Michael: Well it’s because I have my own identity. Jennifer: You sure? Michael: Let me tell you why… I’M A HARD WORKER THAT’S ALWAYS HUNGRY AND I NEVER GIVE UP WHEN THE GROUND IS RUMBLY! I CAN’T HELP IT! YOU CAN’T EXPLAIN IT! AND I WILL ALWAYS FIGHT TILL THE END! YOU WANT SOME! COME GET SOME! YOU WANT IT! I GOT IT! YOU WANT SOME! COME GET SOME! YOU WANT IT! I GOT IT! Jennifer: YOU BETTER WORRY ABOUT MY BOYFRIEND. A BOY WHOSE NAME IS MICHAEL. Michael: COME ONNNNNNN! Jennifer: DON’T MESS WITH HIM, IF YOU DO. YOU’RE GONNA FACE YOUR EVENTUAL DOOM! Michael: MASTER OF DISASTER MY CLAIM TO FAME! NEVER SAY DIE MINDSET IS MY GAME! I KNOW WHAT TO DO, I KNOW THE WAY TO THRIVE! I AIN’T NO JIVE, THAT’S HOW I RIDE! Poe: Whistling (MY BOY!) Jennifer: That’s the handsome prince I know and love! C’MERE! Both: MWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWA! PAUSE.
Michael: Ok, let’s get to some juicy headlines. After an 0-2 start, the Boys in Purple are facing a difficult situation. Not only has no team in franchise history ever made the playoffs after starting 0-2, neither of those teams finished over 500. Boy Wonder Johnny Harbaugh knows that his job is potentially on the line, and whether it’s his fault or not, the fans want fresh blood. For a guy who just turned 62 which is considered old especially for someone who started at Age 45, the narrative of his best days being behind him is growing louder. And the same can be said about Justin Tucker. Just like when Matt Stover lost Dave Zastidil after 2005, losing Sam Koch after 2021 appears to have taken a toll on JT. Despite Jordan Stout doing a solid job (If you exclude his horrible punt against the Raiders) on punting duties, having a different holder on field goal attempts after such a long time with one particular player does tend to get in your head. This is no different. Although to be fair, Tucker is still damn good from inside 50 yards, so if they need to get a guy who can kick from over 50+ like they did at the end of Stover’s time it makes sense.
The biggest pet peeve of the first two games of the season has been unsurprisingly the Offensive Line. The death of Joe D’Alessandris has taken its toll on this unit. Not to mention facing both Maxx Crosby and Chris Jones in Weeks 1 and 2 will take a toll on any line especially one that has three new starters. The newest whipping boy of the fanbase has been Daniel Faalele. Marylander: Seriously, why did they convert him from Tackle to Guard? Michael: I don’t know but Johnny loves having an experiment doesn’t he. Marylander: Yeah the same one that got Brian Billick out of a job. Michael: Oh right, didn’t Billick put Chris Chester at RT instead of LG, and then put Jason Brown at LG instead of Center, and Mike Flynn at C instead of RG because they drafted Ben Grubbs? Marylander: Yes. Losing Orlando Brown Sr and Edwin Mulitalo really took a toll on Billick and Jim Fassell didn’t they? Michael: That and Jamal Lewis leaving.
Even as the Ravens have squandered so many opportunities over the past two weeks thanks to beating themselves, there is a major conspiracy taking place that is ticking off all of Flock Nation. Jennifer, what do you have? Jennifer: Thanks Michael, over the last three games the Ravens have been penalized 36 teams for almost 350 yards. Marylander: UGH! Jennifer: While many believe that John Harbaugh and his coaching staff haven’t been disciplined enough to handle these kinds of penalties, the reality is that the NFL is trying to drive a narrative that makes Baltimore fans want to throw up. Michael: I think I already know what this is. Jennifer: In Week 1, 13 illegal formation penalties were called, and five of them were against the Ravens including four on Ronnie Stanley for not being in the wrong alignment. Michael: Yeah, the Taylor Swift Handicap is in full effect once again. Jennifer: Yup, you’ve told me this before that she and the Swifties have been mind controlling the zebras to create the most predictable outcome. Michael: That wasn’t me, that was the Salty Marylander. Jennifer: My bad. Marylander: THAT WOMAN IS A DISGRACE TO US! Michael: Well yeah because in my opinion the NFL is trying to make her the face of the league. AND THAT IS NOT OKAY! Jennifer: Alright guys, here’s the next one. The following week against the Raiders, despite the Ravens honoring Jacoby Jones and Joe D’Alessandris before the game, plus with the Super Bowl team and many celebrities in attendance rooting them on, the Ravens had 14 penalties for 160 yards including a PI and Facemask penalty that should never have been called. Michael: It’s crazy for us to get screwed over against the Chiefs, but the Raiders? WOOF! Marylander: The NFL knows that we’re the biggest threat to another Taylor Swift Super Bowl, so they want to throw us out of the picture by midseason. Michael: You’re damn right. That and in those two games they were up against Marvin Lewis and Andy Reid, two men who know Baltimore more than anyone outside of the organization. Jennifer: I didn’t come to think of that but you make a good point. Hopefully as the season goes on, the Ravens penalty numbers should go down, but we all know that it probably won’t happen because of the fact that the league still hates us because of what Art Modell did to Cleveland in 1995. Michael: Agreed. We were the least penalized team in football before that AFC Championship Game, and now this crap comes up. Let me guess we need a major celebrity to show up at M&T for Blackout Night or the Purple Rising game. Jennifer: We had Springsteen, Pearl Jam, etc. show up for the Raider game and they still didn’t give it to us. Marylander: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! PAUSE.
(September 21 2024, Six Flags Theme Park, Arlington, Texas)
(Deep In The Heart Of Texas playing) Michael: It’s time for another edition of the Skit Season Competition starring the Raven Brothers! Today these rascally birds are going racing down the Wahoo Racer water slides at Six Flags Great America right here in Dallas! Marylander: BOY IS IT HOT OUTSIDE TODAY! Michael: Yes it is Salty Marylander. Now let’s go over the skit. Poe, Edgar, Allan, and Darkness will race each other down a 42 foot racing slide into the landing era where Jennifer is right now. By rule, you must be on the racing mats at all times. If you let go of them, you will be disqualified. And to make sure of this, we put spy cameras inside the slides so if you get caught, YOU’RE OUT! Alright Raven Brothers, how are we doing up there? Poe: Whistling (Let’s roll!) Edgar: Whistling (Flexing time!) Allan: Whistling (Let’s go be great!) Darkness: Whistling (Time to make it two in a row) Michael: Edgar and Darkness took the Pool Volleyball Skit, now lets see if either one of them gets their second win, or will Allan or Poe get on the board here? Marylander: Ok birds, take your marks. (BEEP!) Michael: AND THEY’RE OFF! Going through the big loop, and heading towards the 30 foot drop, AND HERE THEY COME! DOWN THAT 30 FOOT HILL! IT’S GOING TO BE ALLAN WHO TAKES THE W! GO TO WAR MISS AGNES! Marylander: Alright let’s see if he cleared all protocols? Michael: Looks like he did, even if Edgar did end up coming in first he lost his mat near the descent so that’s an automatic disqualification. Anyways Allan is with Jennifer right now. Jennifer: Allan, how were you able to shake off the bitter feeling of losing the Opening Week of the Skit Competition. Allan: Whistling (I knew that I had to get a good jump from the start, and luckily thanks to being on the inside slide to the left I knew I had a good chance thanks to how thin that first turn was) Jennifer: What was the feeling you had when you got down to that final hill? Allan: Whistling (I told myself don’t fall off that mat, and if I stayed on the mat, I knew I was going to win, and well I won) Jennifer: Thank you Allan. PAUSE.
Michael: This week the Boys in Purple in need of a victory head south to face an opponent who like them is in desperation mode. HOW BOUT DEM COWBOYS! After blowing out Cleveland in Week 1 and making Deshaun Watson look like a 4th string QB, Dallas was bludgeoned in their Home Opener against the Saints. This was the first time they lost a regular season home game since Week 1 of 2022 against the Buccaneers and Tom Brady. Even with Dak Prescott and CeeDee Lamb getting handsomely extended, Dem Boyz still lack quite a few things. Like a conventional running game and a defense that isn’t prone to giving up big plays. Playing on the fast track of JerryWorld isn’t helping either. Both teams know how big the stakes are. A loss may take one of them out of the playoff hunt completely. Yes it’s only Week 3 but each of these teams have brutal schedules going forward so any defeat would be hard to overcome, especially if it’s the Ravens who lose. With Blackout Night on the horizon, Baltimore knows that they must win to keep up with Pittsburgh who is now 3-0. Not to mention they also want to avoid the biggest opposing fan takeover in the event’s 20 year history? Marylander: Please Ravens whatever you do, DON’T MESS THIS UP! PAUSE.
Sidenote: Normally we would do a recap of the game based off of my narration but since this is a special feature that feels very much like a movie, we’re going to have a highlight reel of the 1st Ever Hession Bowl between the Ravens and Chiefs while we act out the battle between the main cast, the Cowboys Mascot Rowdy and his wingmen, plus a few hot Texas girls. Yes I know this episode is going to get very long and there will be many people that could lose interest, but hey, these two unstoppable forces must take part in another significant battle. Enough talk, let’s get right to it. PAUSE.
(September 22, 2024, Dallas Marriott)
Poe: Whistling (What is taking Michael and Jennifer so long) Marylander: Poe, I feel like Jennifer has some southern outfit to show off as we know it. Poe: Whistling (I hope it’s something purple) Edgar: Whistling (Well we’re in our all purple uniforms so that’s what I’m thinking) (BOOM!) Marylander: Looks like you guys came ready to play! Michael: Yup. We’re all dressed in gold. Poe: Whistling (AH THE COWBOY BOOTS!) Jennifer: You like them don’t you. Poe: Whistling (I do. Never change your dress to impress attitude) Jennifer: Why thank you Poe. Allan: Whistling (Why are you two in gold) Michael: Well last year I had all gold on for the Ravens vs Rams game. Darkness: Whistling (That makes perfect sense) Michael: Yeah I have my gold LJ jersey with gold pants, no cowboy boots for me, sorry. Edgar: Whistling (That’s ok) Poe: Whistling (I can’t wait to go to the Cowtown Coliseum and kick Rowdy’s ass right now!) Jennifer: Let me guess you’re still mad that he wouldn’t give you his cowboy hat.
(Flashback) Poe: Whistling (Whats up Rowdy) Rowdy: Expressing (Whats up Poe) Poe: Whistling (You mind swapping hats) Rowdy: Expressing (Uh ok?) Poe: Whistling (I wanna see how good I look in that cowboy hat) Rowdy: Expressing (You don’t understand) Poe: Whistling (What?) Rowdy: Expressing (I’m not letting you wear my cowboy hat) Poe: Whistling (GIVE ME THAT!) Rowdy: Expressing (Not today Poe!) Poe: Whistling (I’LL TAKE MY HAT BACK!) Rowdy: Expressing (Oh well he tried)
Poe: Whistling (Rowdy is going to regret that decision for the rest of the year, because we’re about to go into that Coliseum and smack him and his Cowboy friends around) Michael: I agree. He’s lucky that none of us, especially Edgar and the Salty Marylander were on site for that media session. Jennifer: They may have the home crowd cheering them on in this duel, but we’re battle tested based on our clashes with the Swiftie Empire. Michael: Good way to put it. Not to mention if the Dallas fans try messing with us, there’s no need to worry. Marylander: Why? Michael: We have extra security on our side in the form of a few Baltimore City Police Officers. Allan: Whistling (So even if Rowdy and his crew or whoever we’re facing at Billy Bob’s end up beating us, we’ll still win by default?) Jennifer: Yes. Police Chief: Michael, are you ready for us to escort you guys to the Coliseum. Michael: Yes we are, SIR!
(Cowtown Coliseum)
PA Announcer: Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen, and welcome to another epic Duel in the Heart of Texas! Crowd: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! PA Announcer: Lets meet our contests. First the visitors from Baltimore. Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Under the direction of captains Michael Hession and Jennifer Shoemaker, the Charm City Beasts. Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Michael: I think they need to boo even more as this thing goes on. Jennifer: That’s what I want to hear. Michael: Hey, go get ’em. Jennifer: You too. Both: MWWWWWA! PA Announcer: AND NOOOOOW! Michael: Oh boy, here comes our opponent. PA Announcer: ENTERING THE COWTOWN COLISEUM! THE MASCOT OF THE DALLAS COWBOYS ALONG WITH HIS LIVE COWBOY WINGMEN! ROOOOOWDY! (Smoke Detector) Crowd: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Poe: Whistling (Boy do I wanna take it to him today) Michael: Poe, we got your back on this. PA Announcer: WHOS READY FOR AN EPIC DUEL IN THE LONE STAR STATE! Crowd: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (BEEP!) Cowboy 1: FIRE! (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) “They gotta get to the 43 on 3rd Down, Prescott loads up, tight coverage, and it’s knocked away beautifully by Marlon Humphrey.” PA Announcer: For those who are unaware, the guns that are being used in this duel are airsoft guns which prevent any of our contests from being seriously injured. Thank you. Cowboy 2: Come here you princess! Jennifer: Alright then. HIGH YA! “On the fake, got Kolar wide open, makes the catch, room to roll, Kolar racing down inside the 20, still on his feet inside the 10 he goes.” Crowd: WOOOOOOAH! Jennifer: That’ll hurt tomorrow. TIME TO TAKE IT TO EM MY LOVE! Michael: ON IT! “Jackson will keep it, left side again, racing to the end zone, he is in! (BOOOOOOOM!) Touchdown Baltimore.” Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Michael: COME ON! PA Announcer: And just like that we have our first figure eliminated, as the Beasts take the early lead. Cowboy 3: Why did I try to go for the kill right away, I should have stayed back and defended the fort. (Mole Train Theme playing) (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) Poe: Whistling (Missed me Rowdy!) Rowdy: Expressing (I see you Poe) “3rd and 9 here, as Prescott, blitz coming, Van Noy gonna wrap him up.” Darkness: Whistling (NA NA! HAVE FUN WITH A HARSH PUNISHMENT!) Cowboy 5: TIME TO GET CRUSHED! “65 yarder from Aubrey is up and it is, Gooooood!” Crowd: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Michael: DANG IT! Marylander: What. Michael It’s now even. Well at least it was Darkness that got shot down. PA Announcer: ITS NOW 1-1! Michael: Edgar, Salty Marylander, I have an idea. Edgar: Whistling (What is it) Michael: You guys have those teleportation remotes and collars with you right? Marylander: We do. Michael: I wanted to teleport yourselves to the roof of the Coliseum, and then fall down from there and grab two of those cowboys and throw them on the ground. Edgar: Whistling (Let’s roll!)
(Lips Are Movin’ playing) PA Announcer: Well it looks like the Beasts have asked for a timeout considering that two of their members are out of the arena. Michael: Uh no we didn’t. Edgar/Marylander: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! “Cowboys show blitz, come with it, Jackson gets it out quick, Agholor with the catch, breaks a tackle and a lot of room, Nelson Agholor foot race, cuts back, INSIDE THE FIVE!” (KABLAAAAAAAAM!) Crowd: WOOOOOOAH! PA Announcer: So the Beasts didn’t call a timeout and have a 3-1 lead on a spectacular double elimination move. Marylander: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Michael: Get hyped my man! Allan: Whistling (MICHAEL LOOK OUT!) Michael: No problem. (WHOOSH!) “The Ravens go jumbo here, give it to Derrick Henry who muscles in for the touchdown.” (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) Cowboy 4: Crud! Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOO! PA Announcer: Make it 4-1 Beasts as Hession uses a magnet to steal one of the airsoft guns. Jennifer: It looks like stealing McCord’s weapons inside that Swift Airship was a great move. Cowboy 6: OH MY GOODNESS YOU LOOK SO BEAUTIFUL! COME BE MY LOVER! Jennifer: Excuse me? (BOOOOOOOM!) “Prescott looking that way, goes over the middle, there’s Lamb, catches on the slant inside the 10, and the ball comes out! It’s loose, Baltimore I think got it, THEY DO!” PA: Announcer: And it’s 5-1 in favor of Charm City. Sounds like someone got broken-hearted. Jennifer: Your lips are movin’ then you’re lie lie lie. Michael: DO! NOT! MESS! WITH! MY! WOMAN! DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT! (Pour It Up playing) Poe: Whistling (Ok Rowdy, YOUR TIME IS RUNNING UP!) “They set up a screen, Henry gets a block, rumbling straight through, Derrick Henry inside the 30.” Poe: Whistling (I don’t know how I didn’t get hit) Michael: Same, well lets take out that last live cowboy and focus our attention on Rowdy. Edgar: Whistling (Great plan) “Jackson rolling, floating for the end zone! (BOOOOOOOM!) And he’s got his man Bateman for the touchdown! Edgar/Marylander: SHAKE AND BAKE! PA Announcer: And it looks like all of the live cowboys have been eliminated in what so far has been a dominating performance by the Charm City Beasts. And this crowd is dead silent right now. Poor thing. (BOOM!) Crowd: WOOOOOOAH! “Aubrey is good.” PA Announcer: Now it’s a 6-2 score but it isn’t doing much because Rowdy in both of his elimination victims have been I believe Allan, and Darkness. So that leaves both of their captains, plus their three other imposing figures remaining. And it’s not looking good here. Michael: Alright Rowdy, you’ve been messing around with us for way too long. I think it’s about time we put this thing to bed. Rowdy: Expressing (I don’t think so) Jennifer: JUMP ON HIS ASS! (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) “Get into the I here, Henry sweet spot right up the gut. Derrick Henry! Running for the end zone he’s in. Touchdown Baltimore!” (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) Marylander: DO! YOU! YIELD! Rowdy: Expressing (I yield) Poe: Whistling (Good, now stay there) PA Announcer: And the Charm City Beasts have heroically slaughtered their enemies as they beg for mercy. Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! PA Announcer: And now the fans are throwing things on the ring. (WHOOSH!) PAUSE.
Michael: Alright, way to silence that crowd and make Rowdy eat massive amounts of crow. Poe: Whistling (That felt so good!) Jennifer: I know. Remember that one cowboy who went up to me and wanted romantic interest in me, ONLY FOR ME TO KICK HIS ASS IN FRONT OF HIS FAMILY! Michael: That to me was my favorite part outside of Edgar and the Salty Marylander flying down from the roof, then grabbing two of those six live cowboys and slamming them into the dirt. Marylander: Yeah, Boy you couldn’t tell how ecstatic I was after that move. Edgar: Whistling (The crowd and PA Announcer didn’t know where we were and what we were doing) Michael: You just knew we were going to pull something off to leave everyone in awe of us even though the entire crowd wanted us to fail. Jennifer: Very true. But that was only Leg 1. Allan: Whistling (What’s Leg 2) Jennifer: A trip to Billy Bob’s. The World’s Largest Honky Tonk. Darkness: Whistling (What are we doing there?) Michael: We’re going to the pool hall and playing pool. Poe: Whistling (With who) Michael: It’s going to be me against my older sister Kiley. Jennifer: Aren’t I in a dance off against a Cowboys Cheerleader. Michael: There’s that too. So here’s the plan. I’m playing my sister in pool first, and then Jennifer will have the dance off against whoever that cheerleader is. Ok. Cast: GREAT!
(1 HOUR LATER)
Michael: Come on, I need to knock that 5 ball down. “Tucker misses a 46 yard field goal, so he’s had a little bit of an uneven start to the season.” Crud. Kiley: It’s ok, you can’t hit them all. Michael: I know, but that may have opened the door for you to know down the 12 ball. “Hits him in stride Turpin is! Waiting for a signal, down inside the 1.” Michael: That was some shot. “He’s going quick, Prescott, second effort, he’s in, touchdown.” And I just sunk the white ball, DANG IT! I must be super high over that beatdown in the Coliseum. Kiley: How was it? Michael: Rowdy and his crew stood no chance for us. Kiley: Good for you. You guys used airsoft guns right. Michael: Uh yes. And we beat them 7-2. Kiley: How did they get their two points? Michael: They eliminated Allan and Darkness, so the rest of us looked really good. Kiley: That’s great. Anyways, it’s my turn. “Onside, and it’s loose! And Dallas has it!” Michael: Knocked the 11 and the 9 balls in. Man you’re getting me on this. Kiley: I guess it’s just the luck of the draw. “Prescott, endzone, got it for the touchdown! Jalen Tolbert.” Michael: Man I just can’t get anything right now. Maybe fatigue is setting in. “Jackson straight throw, incomplete.” Kiley: All I need now is the 14 and the 8. Michael: Great. “Personal Foul, Roughing the Passer, Defense #92.” And I just knocked the 14 ball in for you Kiley, WHAT AM I THINKING! Kiley: Relax buddy. Michael: Ok, all you need now is the 8 and you win. “Prescott floats one, corner Turpin, HE’S GOT IT! Touchdown Dallas!” Kiley: And that’s the game. Play another one? Michael: Uh, I’m good, anyways I have to go, Jennifer is calling me right now. Kiley: Alright, have fun at the dance off. Michael: Thank you.
(Billy Bob’s Dance Floor)
(Thunderstruck playing) Poe: Whistling (Made it just in time) Michael: Yeah, my older sister kicked my ass in pool. Marylander: It’s all good, you may have just gotten too high after that domination we put out there this afternoon. Michael: Yeah. I know. So is this the girl that’s on the floor dancing right now is the Cowboy Cheerleader that Jennifer is going up against. Allan: Whistling (Yes boss) Michael: Well we’ve got our work cut out for us. Marylander: No we don’t, because you promised that if Jennifer didn’t win, we’d send in the Baltimore Police Department and force her to forfeit. Michael: Nice, I didn’t think of that. Speaking of them. Hey Chief! Chief Officer: Yes Hession. Michael: Be ready to come in because the crowd is loving what they’re seeing. Chief Officer: Roger that. Michael: Yeah it looks like Jennifer is going to win regardless. (Don’t Cha playing) Poe: Whistling (Here she comes) Michael: Alright, looks like Jennifer took off her cowboy boots. Poe: Whistling (She’s going barefoot on this one) Michael: Love it! “Blitz, Jackson, sees it, far side, completes it! For a 1st Down! Money throw from Lamar Jackson and Zay Flowers on the receiving end.” Marylander: Man that girl can dance. Michael: You betcha. Jennifer: Huh, huh, I run this! Michael: The one handed spin on the floor, damn that’s impressive. Edgar: Whistling (Look at Darkness on the DJ) Michael: I didn’t know Darkness was her guest DJ, I thought she talked the one at Billy Bob’s into playing Don’t Cha. That makes a lot of sense now. Poe: Whistling (Master, you and I both love a girl who can dance like this) Michael: Exactly, your TV homie and my true love is going off. (Smoke Detector) Crowd: WOOOOOOOOOOOAH! Michael: Way to go Jennifer! Jennifer: Thanks. MWA! Michael: Well it looks like the hometown crowd has picked the winner, and it looks like you lost… BUT NOT SO FAST! Security! “Right now 2nd and 9, two minutes to go, so it’ll be on a jet sweep! No, it’s a fake. How about that fake, and Lamar right up the middle for a 1st Down!” Edgar: Whistling (TRAITORS!) Marylander: TRAITORS AGAINST THE BEASTS! Edgar: Whistling: (TRAITORS AGAINST HESSION AND SHOEMAKER!) Marylander: TRAITORS AGAINST BALTIMORE! Cheerleader: What is going on here? Chief Officer: Come my lady, you are under arrest, it is the law you must come with us. Cheerleader: WHAT DID I DO! Chief Officer: You have disrespected the Charm City Beasts by beating Jennifer in a dance off and rubbing it in her face. Cheerleader: WHAT IS HAPPENING! Michael: Well this is what you get for beating my girl in a dance off. If you mess with her, then you’ll mess with me, the rest of my squad, and the security team we brought from Baltimore. Therefore you all are traitor to us, therefore you are traitors to Baltimore. Cheerleader: How could you! Michael: And she’s getting a one way ticket to the whine cellar. Jennifer: We just did what the Teen Titans did to the HIVE in the Dodgeball Episode. Eliminating them via the police! Poe: Whistling (You better believe it) Michael: You know what that means? WE WON! Marylander: By default baby. (Seven Nation Army playing) Raven Bros: Whistling (VICTORY DANCE!) “O-O-O-O-O-OOOOO-O! O-O-O-O-O-OOOO-O! O-O-O-O-O-OOOOOO-O! O-O-O-O-O-OOOOOO-O!” PAUSE.
(Charm City Beasts Headquarters)
(Break Free playing) Michael: Man, that was some trip. Poe: Whistling (I know, we got to beat up Rowdy and his squad, you got to hang out with your older sister, and Jennifer was busting some moves on the dance floor) Michael: I know. This is one of those weekends that we really came together beautifully. Jennifer: We did. And no matter what was put out there, we came through. Michael: After the Engagement Attack came up short, and watching our Ravens start 0-2, we needed this. Marylander: AND WE BEAT DEM COWBOYS! Michael: Even better. Now we don’t have to deal with an 0-3 start and America meming us to death. Edgar: Whistling (Same. I did not want to get mocked) Allan: Whistling (Me too) Jennifer: I feel you guys. What I’m about to sing symbolizes what’s about to happen for the city of Baltimore. THIS IS. THE PART WHERE I SAY I DON’T WANT IT. I’M STRONGER THAN I’VE BEEN BEFORE. THIS IS. THE PART WHERE I BREAK FREE, CUZ I CAN’T RESIST IT NO MORE! THIS IS. THE PART WHERE I SAY I DON’T WANT IT. I’M STRONGER THAN I’VE BEEN BEFORE. THIS IS. THE PART WHERE I BREAK FREE, CUZ I CAN’T RESIST IT NO MORE! Poe: Whistling (GET HIGH!) Darkness: (No looking back) Michael: Man you got a good voice. Jennifer: Thanks. Michael: Guys I got even better news. Guess what week it is? Raven Bros: Whistling (Purple Rising?) Michael: That’s not coming until November. (Back in Black playing) Jennifer: ITS BLACKOUT WEEEEEEEEK! Raven Bros: Whistling (LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!) Michael: BillsMafia get ready, you’ve got no idea what you’re in for. And speaking of said Mafia, I have a feeling that there’s going to be a massive invasion of our city on Blackout Night like there was last year. Marylander: But instead of just Captain Win-Cinnati and his family and friends plus Siberian Tigers. It’s probably going to be hundreds upon hundreds of Bills fans coming to attack us. Michael: If that’s the case, then we need to start scouting who this is, and where they’re planning to attack us from. Jennifer: I’ve got you covered, my love! Michael: Jennifer, this could be our signature moment as a squad. We might be facing an even bigger army than the Swifties ever were. But those experiences helped us mentally for this one. Jennifer: PLUS WE’RE ALL GONNA BE IN OUR FORMAL ATTIRE! Michael: That’s right, IN OUR CITY, THE GOOD GUYS WEAR BLACK! Beasts: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Bragging Rights Sports 