(Where The Streets Have No Name playing)
“After being challenged in ways we couldn’t have imagined.”
“Things are different this year, especially here.”
“A place that epitomizes all we’ve been through, and all we hope to be.”
“We may have been knocked down, but we will get back up.”
“THERE’S NO PLACE LIKE BALTIMORE!”
(BRAGGING RIGHTS SPORTS PRESENTS)
“This is a place where different backgrounds and beliefs converge.”
(A MARYLAND CULTURE PRODUCTION)
“We’re a city that is defined by resilience, and fueled by what’s possible.”
“LISTEN TO ME! WHEN GOD TELLS YOU SOMETHING! BELIEVE HIM! BELIEVE HIM!”
“And God’s powers give way to a ray of hope.” (Michael Hession)
“Hope that we will defend the place that we built from the ground up.” (Jennifer Shoemaker)
“Hope that we can accomplish the goals that we set out to achieve.” (The Salty Marylander)
“Hope that nothing will hold us back from where we want to go.” (Edgar)
“And hope for our team and city to rally together as one.” (Allan)
“Those who define what it means to be a Raven.” (Poe)
“Have that never say die mindset every single day.” (Darkness)
“The reality is this. THIS IS THE TOWN WHERE OUR HOPES BECOME REALITY!”
“WE ARE!” “WE ARE!” “WE ARE!” “WE ARE!”
CHARM CITY BEASTS!
(Season 4) Episode 19: The Declaration of Divisional War
(10 Days Before the NFL Draft. Charm City Beasts Headquarters)
(Triple Trouble playing) Poe: Whistling (Thank goodness the weather is warm enough for us to use the pool) Marylander: I know. The cool part is that our pool is heated. 80 degrees worth of it. Edgar: Whistling (CANNON BALL!) (SPLASH!) Darkness: Whistling (You almost splashed water over my jukebox) Edgar: Whistling (My bad) Allan: Whistling (My turn to go off the diving board!) Marylander: Lets see what you got Allan. Allan: Whistling (WEEE!) (SPLASH!) Darkness: Whistling (How’s the water) Allan: Whistling (Its so nice!) Poe: Whistling (We picked a good day to lift the tarp over our pool and go for a swim) Marylander: Yes we did. Now I wonder why Michael and Jennifer aren’t joining us. Poe: Whistling (From how I see it they must be scouting our divisional rivals) Edgar: Whistling (Could be) Marylander: Actually Michael met up with her in College Park for lunch. Allan: Whistling (Oh, I completely forgot that she works at the fashion store on the University of Maryland campus.) Marylander: Yup. They should be back here at any moment now. Darkness: Whistling (I wonder how Michael’s going to react to us using the pool) Marylander: He won’t mind, especially since the weather is gorgeous. Poe: Whistling (Good) Michael: Whats up my boys! Marylander: Hey Michael, hey Jennifer. Jennifer: I see you guys took off the tarp and are going for a swim. Poe: Whistling (Yes we did. By the way you look fancy as usual, especially ever since you went full blonde.) Jennifer: Thanks. I had work today, so I kinda have to dress up and look good for my customers. That and I’m now on reporting duty for you guys beginning on Draft Weekend. Poe: Whistling (I did not know that) Michael: Yeah Poe, she was telling me that at lunch. I’m really excited to see how good she can be for us. I know the two of us are madly in love but we must put our egos aside when it comes to doing our work. Jennifer: Damn right! Both: MWA! Poe: Whistling (Cool, where’d you go) Jennifer: We went to a gluten free pizza place in town. Edgar: Whistling (Sounds delicious) Michael: Anyways, Jennifer and I are going to set up our Offseason Recap Meeting in the basement, Salty Marylander, I need you to keep an eye on the birds, the meeting starts in about an hour so I want them out of pool in the next 30 minutes, you got me. Marylander: Sure thing boss!
(1 hour later)
(Wild Side by Normani playing) Michael: Alright, alright settle in guys. Welcome to the Offseason Recap Meeting, I know we’ve had to wait some time because we trapped inside the Swift Airship for 2 whole months, but hey we’re back. Luckily for me, I’m not alone this time. Joining me to recap the offseason news is our generational wunderqueen from College Park by the name of Jennifer Shoemaker. Marylander/Raven Bros: (CLAPPING) Michael: What news do you have for us today? Jennifer: Thank you again Michael, well the headlines this offseason around the National Football League haven’t been as enormous as some people thought it would be but there have been some big changes. Bill Belichick and Pete Carroll were relieved of their jobs in Seattle and New England. Marylander: OH BOY! That’s insane. Jennifer: I know it is, so at long last the Patriot Empire is no more now that the 2nd winningest coach in league history is gone. As for Carroll it wasn’t a firing it was a promotion to the front office, and it sounded like the Seahawks wanted to go for a younger approach. Poe: Whistling (Who did they hire) Jennifer: I know you guys won’t want to hear this, but they poached Mike Macdonald away from us. Marylander/Raven Bros: WOOOAH! Michael: I kinda knew he wasn’t coming back, but it’s interesting that he took the Seattle job over the opening in Washington. Jennifer: Well the Seahawks offered him more money than the Commanders which makes sense, plus Seattle is in a better situation as a team than Washington. Michael: True. That loss stings me, not because of what he did during both of his years as a defensive coordinator but for more sentimental reasons. His wife Stephanie was someone who I considered my friend. During a summer internship I had in the Creative Tech department at Church of the Nativity across town in Timonium, I got to see her perform up close for 4 weeks. Plus she was one of the first people I talked with during my first week there. Every time I would come back to be on duty for the tech team, I’d always make sure to chat with her about the Ravens and Michigan Football (And this is coming from a Penn Stater). It’s gonna sting to see her and Mike leave town, but hey I lost one friend, but then gained one. Jennifer: MWA!
(Schwarze Sonne aka Organized Chaos theme playing) Michael: Alright enough with the mistletoe. Back to the news, Jennifer: Yes. With Macdonald’s departure the Ravens have to fill a void as their DC. Luckily they hired another highly talented prospect on their coaching staff as DC. Marylander: Dennard Wilson? Jennifer: No, he went to Tennessee to be their defensive coordinator. Marylander: SHUCKS! How about Anthony Weaver. Jennifer: Miami bound for the same role. Marylander: COME ON WHO IS IT!? Jennifer: Former Ravens LB Zach Orr who served as the LB coach for the last two seasons. Michael: And like Mike Man before him, he spent almost a decade as an assistant. That and he’ll be 32 just before Training Camp. Marylander: Ok, but why are you two so optimistic about this hiring? Michael: It’s because the man they call Zorro has brought back one of the most iconic mottos in franchise history. No longer will this defense be known mainly as the SOS unit. Raven Bros: Whistling (AW! That was the nickname we came up with during the 2022 season) Michael: True, and while it’ll still be used as a side nickname, just like the Sack Pack moniker was used for the Colts during the mid 1970s. (That nickname took a backseat to that of Shake N Bake) All Hail the long awaited return of the most iconic slogans in franchise history. ORGANIZED CHAOS! Raven Bros: Whistling (LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOOO!) Marylander: GET READY FOR ALL OF THE PREGAME SPEECHES AND SIDELINE PEP TALKS! ITS LIKE REX RYAN, RAY LEWIS, AND ED REED NEVER LEFT THIS CARNSONG TEAM AT ALL! WE’RE GOING TO BEAT THE CHIEFS AND GO TO THE FREAKING SUPER BOWL! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (PAUSE)
Jennifer: Anyways, just a day after Macdonald left, the Chargers hired our scouting director Joe Hortiz as their GM. Michael: To me it’s another loss that stings our crew, and once again for sentimental reasons. Edgar: Whistling (Without Hortiz, Allan and myself wouldn’t have been able to make our comeback.) Michael: Oh that’s right, I forgot that it was Hortiz that called you guys while you were in Ocean City during retirement. Allan: Whistling (I’m so glad he did. I love being back on duty with Edgar, Poe, and Darkness) Michael: I know, it’s so fun that you all get to work with me and roam the sidelines at M&T. Jennifer: You want me to keep going. Michael: Sure. Jennifer: You guys will enjoy this. The Chargers are trying to skin the Ravens alive. Marylander/Raven Bros: WHAAAAAAAAAAT!? Marylander: OK JENNIFER HOW’D THEY DO THAT!? Jennifer: Well Salty Marylander, they signed Gus Edwards, Ben Mason, Hayden Hurst, they’re on the verge of getting JK Dobbins (Spoiler, they did), they hired Jim Harbaugh, Jesse Minter as their defensive coordinator as well as Greg Roman as their offensive coordinator. Marylander: WOW! They really are trying to freaking skin us alive. Michael: Yes and the problem it created was that they lost their two best receivers. Jennifer: Keenan Allen was traded to the Bears, and Mike Williams was released and later picked up by the New York Jets. Edgar: Whistling (Typical Roman Empire) Allan: Whistling (No wonder why top receivers don’t want to play in his offense) Jennifer: Even with a talent like Justin Herbert, it appears that LA is pivoting towards a run first offense. Speaking of overhauling their staff with former Ravens coaches. The Chargers made one last hire. In addition to Jim Harbaugh, Jesse Minter and Greg Roman, the Chargers also hired former Ravens strength and conditioning coach Steve Saunders to be on their staff. Marylander/Raven Bros: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (PAUSE)
Michael: ORDER IN THE COURT! Marylander: UH OH! Allan: Whistling (Oh dear, he’s mad) Michael: You guys can keep on laughing since the Chargers are locked up in hell despite having Justin Herbert in his prime. Marylander/Raven Bros: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Michael: Jennifer, I don’t get why the Bolts are doing this? Jennifer: Well it appears that Dean Spanos wanted to change the way that the organization does things. Michael: I get that, but if there’s one thing you don’t do, it’s that you don’t try to skin us, the Chiefs, or the Patriots alive. Jennifer: Well there are teams that skin the 49ers alive too. Michael: True, but none of those teams have succeeded long term. Jennifer: You’re correct. The NFL is a copycat league. Michael: Indeed it is. Alright, boys. We need to go over some free agency moves that took place in the AFC North. Jennifer, go ahead. Jennifer: The common theme of free agency around Baltimore is that the Ravens have been fighting the salary cap and have come away with mixed results. Marylander: What are they? Michael: The biggest question going into free agency was that of Justin Madubuike. He enjoyed a breakout season in 2023, and if the Ravens wanted to maintain the core of their defense they had to lock him up long term. Poe: Whistling (Is Buiks back?) Jennifer: Yes he is. The Ravens signed the Pro Bowl DT to a 4 year $98M contract. Poe: Whistling (SWEET!) Jennifer: However the Ravens did lose a bunch of their depth to the open market. First they traded Morgan Moses back to the Jets for a 4th and a 6th Round pick. Michael: Interesting, after watching Moses play last postseason especially considering that he was both injured and ineffective they had to do it. So it looks like they might just draft one of the available tackles at Pick 30. Jennifer: It appears so, which would be the wise decision since Eric DeCosta is leaning towards an overhaul of the line. Speaking of the O-Line, John Simpson, and Kevin Zeitler are gone too. Michael: Once again, both of them are in their 30s and starting to decline. I must say this opens the door for Ben Cleveland and Andrew Vorhees to take charge at the guard spots Jennifer: Agreed Michael: Considering that this draft is weak from an OG perspective, I think it’s wise to say that even if those two are unproven, they should give those two a shot to succeed. Jennifer: DeCosta did say that he likes his linemen the way they are. Marylander: COME ON! THATS NONSENSE! Michael: I hear you Salty Marylander, but you gotta let our insider do her job. Marylander: Ok then. Michael: I know the Salty Marylander is a very overreactive fan.
Jennifer: I can tell. Guys I don’t think you’ll want to hear this news, but three of our other free agents were poached by division rivals. Edgar: Whistling (Are they trying to steal our signals) Michael: I don’t know Edgar but from how I see it, it’s possible. Jennifer: True. The first one to sign with a division rival was Geno Stone, who took a 2 year deal worth $7.5M a year with the Bengals. Thoughts? Michael: Well he started the season great for us. Six interceptions in an eight game span is no easy thing. But after that something just felt off with him. Especially in the Chiefs game. Marylander: Agreed. Cincy thinks he’s going to be their savior in the secondary for crying out loud. THERE’S A REASON WHY MARCUS WILLIAMS IS BETTER! Jennifer: True, from the way you guys see it, if Williams wasn’t injured early in the season it would have been him with that many INTS. Right? Marylander: Yes. Jennifer: Next was Tyler Huntley, who signed a 1 year contract to be the backup QB to Deshaun Watson in Cleveland. (Thank goodness his cousin who is one of my colleagues at PSSN isn’t going to the dark side) Marylander: OH IS JIMMY HASLAM TRYING TO USE A FREAKING CHEAT SHEET!? Michael: It appears so Salty Marylander. The Ravens have finished ahead of the Browns in the standings every year since 2007. And everything Haslam and GM Andrew Berry have done to stop Planet LJ dead in his tracks, they’ve failed miserably. Darkness: Whistling (The only times where the Browns have beaten us has been when everything has broken their way) Michael: Yup. And who knows if they’ll replicate last year’s performance especially since they won a bunch of games where they had no business winning. Jennifer: True. Get your popcorn ready, because our dreaded rivals the Pittsburgh Steelers have made some moves. Allan: Whistling (What have they done Jenn Jenn?) Jennifer: Allan, Omar Khan their GM has overhauled the way they do things. Instead of being patient like they always are, they’ve taken massive risks in free agency. Marylander: HOW COME WE’RE NOT DOING THAT!? Michael: A. They have a lot of cap space, and we don’t. B. Every time we’ve tried doing that it’s blown up in our faces. Marylander: I DON’T CARE DO SOMETHING! Jennifer: We’re getting to that in a moment. Anyways. The Steelers changed their entire QB room in an instant. Out go Kenny Pickett, Mitch Trubisky, and Mason Rudolph, and in comes Russell Wilson, and Justin Fields. Marylander/Raven Bros: WOOOOOOOAH! Poe: Whistling (How did they get Fields) Michael: Looks like the Bears are going all in for Caleb Williams. Jennifer: Yup. They have the #1 overall pick to work with for the 2nd year in a row given that Carolina had a nightmare season. According to Mike Tomlin, as well as team officials. There is likely to be no QB competition during training camp meaning that Wilson will be the starter. Michael: Makes sense since they want Fields to develop the right way. Jennifer: 100%. Their biggest moves of the offseason came in the form of two former Ravens. Marylander: WHO ARE THEY!? Jennifer: They signed DeShot Elliott to provide help for Minkah Fitzpatrick. Marylander: Ok, who else. Jennifer: I know you guys are going to be mad at me for saying this. But the Steelers stole Patrick Queen in the dead of night for $14M a year for the next 3 years. Marylander/Raven Bros: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (“You’re dead to us, AND YOU’RE DEAD TO ME!” -Lamar) (PAUSE)
(We Can’t Be Friends playing) Michael: We need to talk about Patrick Queen. NOTHING GOOD EVER COMES OUT OF ARIANA GRANDE! (Dua Lipa and Victoria Justice too. Although I should be careful about saying that since their fans and Yinzers will come after me) Anyone who is either dating her, or has some kind of connection is all but guaranteed to break their loved ones hearts. (PQ and Ari’s night out in London should have been a warning sign for all Raven fans) And PQ betrayed us the exact same way Ari did with Pete Davidson. I would have been ok if he signed with Seattle so that he could be with Mike Man again, BUT PITTSBURGH! That takes a special breed of guts to pull that off. It’s either that PQ said if you can’t beat em, join em, or the Steelers wanted their own version of the when the Ravens signed Rod Woodson away from them in 1998. Let me guess they’re going to get Odell Beckham Jr next aren’t they? If they do, they’ll have Ari, Dua Lipa, the Kardashians, and Ciara to deal with. Sounds like Days of our Steelers is right around the corner. (Tomlin lets them get away with a bunch of off the field crap too) Jennifer: Alright, Michael. I love you but you need to keep your emotions in check. Michael: Sorry Jennifer, I was on a rant that the Salty Marylander would enjoy very much. Marylander: THAT’S RIGHT! Let me put it this way HE’S A KILLER QUEEN, GUNPOWDER OF JEOPARDY, DYNAMITE WITH A LASER BEAM! GUARANTEED TO BREAK YOUR HEARTS! ANYTIME! Michael: I don’t know if those are the exact words used in the song but hey, I like the Queen reference. Marylander: Thanks boss! Jennifer: Even though the Steelers poached our Queen, the Ravens took a once legendary enemy of the franchise and did so the same way they took away Steve McNair, Derrick Mason, and Samari Rolle. Poe: Whistling (I think I know who it is) Jennifer: Poe, you and the rest of this room are going to love this. (Royal Trumpet) The Ravens have signed the King known as Derrick Henry. (FULL MARYLANDER ACTIVATED! FULL MARYLANDER ACTIVATED! FULL MARYLANDER ACTIVATED!) Marylander/Raven Bros: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (PAUSE)
Jennifer: IF ALL OF THE KINGS HAD THEIR QUEENS ON THE THRONE, WE WOULD POP CHAMPAGNE AND RAISE A TOAST! TO ALL OF THE QUEENS WHO ARE FIGHTING ALONE, BABY YOU’RE STILL DANCING ON YOUR OWN! Michael: OH! HECK YES! That’s an epic troll job of Steeler Nation and he who shall not be named! Up top! (BOOM!) The Steelers took our Queen, but we found the King. The term Derrick Bleeping Henry will be used in a different way from now on. I never thought he’d be in a Ravens uniform. Think about this. Even though he was the architect of probably the most devastating loss in franchise history, King Henry has the chance to achieve the greatest accomplishment of his career. Winning a Super Bowl. Jennifer: It took about 5 months too late but Derrick Henry is now officially a Raven. Both Baltimore and Tennessee had a deal that looked like it would send Henry to the Ravens, but the Titans front office backed out at the 11th hour. Michael: I see that the Titans not only still hate the Ravens with envy but also they didn’t want to be remembered as the team that giftwrapped Baltimore another title. Especially since they gave us Steve McNair, Derrick Mason, and Samari Rolle back in 2006. Jennifer: That explains their thinking. Michael: How do you feel about this? Jennifer: I think if the Ravens O-Line especially both of their guards and whoever starts at RT fully adapts, this should be a treat to watch. Michael: I know. I really hope Ronnie Stanley has one excellent season left in the tank, and hopefully he stays healthy. Alright, who else did we sign?
Jennifer: In addition to Henry, the Ravens signed versatile O-Lineman Josh Jones away from Houston. Michael: Interesting, this could be another John Simpson move, except he’s only younger. Jennifer: I agree. If they don’t take a lineman in the 1st Round, he’ll have a chance to win that RT spot. Now the resigned players. ArDarius Washington. Michael: I could see him play the role Geno Stone did last year even though he might be undersized. Jennifer: Arthur Maulet. Edgar: Whistling (Boy was he a treat to watch last year) Jennifer: Malik Harrison. Darkness: Whistling (Good) Jennifer: However they did lose Jadeveon Clowney who decided to head back to his hometown and sign with the Panthers. Marylander: UGH! What are we going to do at edge rusher!? Jennifer: Well, speaking of edge rusher, the Ravens re-signed Kyle Van Noy. Raven Bros: Whistling (LETS GO!) Michael: I knew that reaction was coming. Poe: Whistling (Out of all the players that interacted with us last year before games, Van Noy was the one who did that the most) Michael: Interesting fact. Allan: Whistling (Before the playoff game, he high fived myself, Edgar, and Poe) Marylander: Yeah, I was right in front of you guys when that happened. Jennifer: You were on the field for that? Marylander: Yes. Michael: I did not know that. So that’s where you were during the intros. Myself and Darkness were looking for you all over the place. Marylander: Yeah, I wanted to get a few shots with my homies, and the Raven Bros asked their agent Jordyn if she’d let me come down on the field to take some snaps of them, and she said yes. Michael: Cool.
There’s only one thing that needs to be said after the moves made this offseason. (World War III playing) Marylander: I! Raven Bros: Whistling (DE!) Jennifer: CLARE! Michael: WAR! Right now from how I see this, World War III is taking place in the AFC North. All four teams are loading up for a fight to the death, with no end in sight. Every team in this division has Super Bowl aspirations and any prediction at this point would be foolish to make. My advice, don’t make any until September. With that being said. I think it’s time for us to go around the division and see what our rivals have to say about our ambitions as well as theirs. Marylander: Oh, are we interviewing rival fans again? Michael: YES WE ARE! And this time, we got logical sources to work with. Jennifer: When did you do this, I wasn’t here for that. Michael: Jennifer, a couple years ago, myself, Poe, and the Salty Marylander interviewed one fan for each of the Steelers, Browns, and Bengals and we asked them about their thoughts on their own team, that of the Ravens, and how the AFC North would shake up in their opinion. Jennifer: Hehe! So which team am I getting? Michael: Just be patient for a second. So here’s how this is going to work. We’re splitting up into three groups. The Salty Marylander, Darkness and Edgar will go together. I’m going with Allan, and Jennifer you’re going with Poe. I’m going to Pittsburgh, the Salty Marylander you’ll go to Cleveland, and Jennifer you’re getting Cincinnati. Jennifer: That’s a tall order but hey I’m up for the task. Michael: The reason I picked you to go to Cincy is because the guy you’re going to interview is the President of their fanclub. His name is Captain Win-Cinnati. Marylander: OH DID HE AND HIS DAUGHTER BREAK OUT OF PRISON WHILE WE WERE CAPTURED!? Michael: Yes he did Salty Marylander. Anyways, if either me or you goes he’ll recognize our faces, and possibly plan to attack our headquarters. Jennifer: I get it. Michael: Luckily, you’re the only one of us that he doesn’t have information on, but listen. Don’t bring Poe inside, don’t let him know that you’re part of the Charm City Beasts, or that you’re my girlfriend either. Jennifer: I won’t. Michael: I also have one other thing. Don’t wear a purple skirt or dress either because that’s another cautionary sign of trouble. Keep the blue one you have on right now ok. Jennifer: Sounds good. Actually I’ll wear a red dress just to throw them off guard into thinking I’m a resident of the Queen City while I’m there. Michael: Nice! Trolling Cincy fans is a way of life for us here in B-More. Jennifer: Heck yeah! Before we go, can I get a kiss? Michael: Uh, ok. It better be quick because we gotta get on the road, and you have to get changed if you want to pull off the epic troll of Captain Win-Cinnati before you and Poe leave. You got me? Jennifer: Yes. Hehe. C’mere my prince. Both: MWWWWWWWWWWA! Marylander: I knew that they were going to sneak in a kiss. Edgar: Whistling (It was only a matter of time before Jennifer wanted one) Marylander: But hey, I don’t have a problem with it as long as we’re defending our city and having fun as a squad. Jennifer: Are you ready to troll some rival fans! Michael: IT’S GO TIME!
(9 Days Before the NFL Draft. Cleveland, OH)
“No you can’t have a World War III, if there’s only side fighting. And you know, woah, that there’s lessons left to learn! Every time you attack, doesn’t drive ’em to fight you back. And I know, woah, that’ll never let it be, WORLD WAR III!” Marylander: Smell any dog bones? Edgar: Whistling (Not yet) Darkness: Whistling (Keep searching) Edgar: Whistling (Who are we looking for?) Marylander: We’re looking for John Big Dawg Thompson. Darkness: Whistling (Who’s that) Marylander: You know that superfan who wears #98, has the body of an Offensive Lineman, and wears a dog mask during games? Edgar: Whistling (Oh that’s who we’re interviewing) Marylander: Yup. He’s the leader of the Dawg Pound. Darkness: Whistling (Alright Big Dawg come out of here) Big Dawg: WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! Marylander: Speaking of the man himself there he is. My goodness you’ve lost some weight. Big Dawg: Yeah, I had bypass surgery not too long ago, but it hasn’t stopped me from doing what I do best. WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! Marylander: I hear you. My name is the Salty Marylander, and these are my pals Edgar, and Darkness. Big Dawg: You must be a Ravens fan, and you brought some of your mascots with you. Edgar: Whistling (What’s up doggy!) Big Dawg: I don’t speak bird but I think Edgar loves my mask. Edgar: Whistling (Yes sir) Big Dawg: Now tell me why you guys are here. Marylander: Well we’re part of this show Charm City Beasts on a sports blog called Bragging Rights Sports. So it’s myself, Edgar, his two brothers Allan and Poe, Darkness right here who is their younger cousin, then there’s Michael the leader and his associate Jennifer rounding it out. Big Dawg: Where are the others? Marylander: Michael and Allan are in Pittsburgh, while Jennifer and Poe are in Cincinnati. We’re interviewing at least one major diehard fan from each AFC North team. Big Dawg: Oh so you chose me since you needed someone from the Browns. Marylander: Yes we did. Here’s my first question. What are your thoughts towards Joe Flacco? Big Dawg: Honestly, I as well as the rest of the Dawg Pound couldn’t believe what he did in the final few weeks of the season. We had used four other QBs including Deshaun Watson, and none of them did as well as Joe did. The game against the Jets was a dream come true. We technically never got to celebrate a playoff berth during 2020 because of COVID, but that night was amazing. Marylander: Yeah, I remember that because even though we won the division, you guys were on our tails for a while. Big Dawg: WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! Marylander: Yup. Second question, how do you see yourselves going into 2024? Big Dawg: Well on paper this is the most talented team we’ve had possibly since the Jim Brown Era, but I’ve had to learn the lesson that you never can assume things until they happen. Marylander: Well I don’t blame you especially after 2019. Big Dawg: I agree, we got caught up in our own hype and it bit us badly. This time around after how well we did with the injuries, something feels different. Although it all depends on if Deshaun returns to old form, and if Nick Chubb’s knee isn’t ruined. Marylander: I know. Watson before he got injured for good ate us alive in the 2nd Half. Big Dawg: I remember watching that game thinking WHERE HAS THIS BEEN ALL SEASON!? This was the first time where he put the team on his back when it mattered. Marylander: Exactly, that defense was the backbone of the Browns season. Big Dawg: It was, and on a day like that where they gave up 31 points, for Deshaun to do what he did gave us hope. Marylander: And then the gods trolled you. Big Dawg: WOOF! Marylander: Next question, what are your thoughts on Jimmy Haslam? Big Dawg: He’s still a bad owner, but not as bad as he once was. At least he hasn’t been kneejerk towards Kevin Stefanski and Andrew Berry like he was towards John Dorsey and Sashi Brown. Haslam has let both Stefanski and Berry do their jobs, KNOCK ON WOOD! Marylander: I always forgot that Sashi was in Cleveland before he came to Baltimore. Big Dawg: I know. He was terrible for us besides his draft selections, and so far he’s bounced back with the Ravens. Marylander: I can remember a lot of Raven fans, myself included, that didn’t want him here, but this is why I shouldn’t be near a GM role. Big Dawg: Indeed. Marylander: Final question. What are your thoughts on the Ravens vs Browns rivalry? Big Dawg: We hate you guys as much as if not more than the Steelers. Marylander: I know exactly where you’re coming from. Big Dawg: That big jerk Art Modell took our identity away from us and we had to wait years to get that feeling of being a contender back. Now we have it again, and even if you guys if not for the Chiefs, and Patriots have been the model franchise in the NFL WHICH SHOULD HAVE BEEN US! I feel like one of these years we’ll finally knock you off. Marylander: Well you haven’t finished ahead of us since 2007, so I understand your emotions. Big Dawg: We finally got past the Steelers hurdle in the standings last year, and I hope we get past you next. And before you guys go, there’s one thing we can all agree on. Edgar: Whistling (What’s that) Big Dawg: WE BOTH HATE THE BENGALS AND STEELERS! Whole Room: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Marylander: Anyways great to talk to you Big Dawg, and good luck this season. Big Dawg: Thanks, you too. WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! (Renegade playing) Marylander: Take care. I’m really interested to see how the others are doing over in Cincy and Pittsburgh?
(Pittsburgh, PA)
“The jig is up, it moves a lot, and finally found me. The Renegade, you had it made, the treat that will follow me.” Michael: Alright, so the Steelers Fan Museum is right across the block. Allan, you stay in the car. I’m going to talk to the owner. Allan: Whistling (Why can’t I come) Michael: You’re in your Purple Ravens Jersey with White Pants Allan, if you come inside, knowing the Yinzers they’ll beat up on you. Allan: Whistling (Ok) Michael: Thank goodness I’m wearing a Steph Curry jersey, especially since Pittsburgh doesn’t have an NBA team. Allan: Whistling (Good luck) (It’s A Fight playing) (BOOM!) Michael: ALRIGHT WHERE’S THE OWNER OF THIS MUSEUM!? Guard: I don’t know. Our owner is not here at this time. Michael: Don’t lie to me, if he wasn’t here, THEN THIS MUSEUM WOULDN’T EVEN BE OPEN! Guard: Don’t you dare talk to me like that. Michael: I can, and that’s your biggest mistake. (BOOM!) Enjoy getting Paintballed! Now where’s the owner? Allan: Whistling (How are you doing in there) Michael: I’m doing good Allan, now is not the time to check in with me from the radar system. I’m about to enter the owner’s hut. Allan: Whistling (Ok. You do you) Michael: I see that the walls are covered with Terrible Towels and frames of Myron Cope, and Franco Harris. Owner: I see you are impressed with my room. Michael: Thank you. Owner: I am Lord Yinzer, the master of the Ultimate Steelers Fan Museum. Everything Black and Gold is stored here. And who are you? Michael: I’m Michael Hession, the founder of Bragging Rights Sports. I’m here to do an interview with you about the upcoming NFL Season. Do you have a few minutes? Owner: Of course. Come on in. Michael: Thank you. My first question for you is that when you look at what you guys have done this offseason is it safe to say that you’ve overhauled the Steeler Way? Owner: We have. Normally we aren’t this aggressive when it comes to free agency, but considering that we’ve been calling for the heads Mike Tomlin and Art Rooney II, they had no choice but to listen to our request or they would have been chucked into the Three Rivers. Michael: It makes sense since it’s been almost 8 years since you won a playoff game. My second question is, what are your thoughts on Kenny Pickett being traded and you guys bringing in Russell Wilson, and Justin Fields? Owner: I was honestly baffled that Pickett was traded away. He showed promise despite being held back by Matt Canada’s play calling, and it was too bad that his season and career in Pittsburgh was cut short. To be fair he didn’t treat the Wilson signing very well. Michael: I can tell especially since he had already been betrayed by the way the team responded to Mason Rudolph and how well he played in the Cincinnati and Seattle games. Third question. Do you think the Ravens vs Steelers rivalry will be as out of control as it was from 2008-2011? Owner: That’s a great question. I know we’ve beaten Baltimore 7 out of 8 games, but I just get the sense that the Ravens will want our heads especially after what happened last year, and especially since we took Patrick Queen from them. Michael: I’m a Raven fan by the way, and I came here as part of an assignment that my squad had come up with. Owner: Oh, that stinks, but hey I respect you guys more than any other team. Michael: Same. I’ve said this to other Pittsburgh fans, I can tolerate you guys being successful because you’ve been good for so long, but Cleveland and Cincy I cannot stand. Owner: So true. Also why are you a Warriors fan since I see you in a Stephen Curry jersey. Michael: Well I’ve covered the Dubs for a long time as well going all the way back to when I was 11 years old. We don’t have an NBA team in Baltimore plus I loved watching Steph play in his prime. Owner: I see. Where is the rest of your squad and who is a part of it. Michael: Well Lord Yinzer, my crew also known as the Charm City Beasts is made up of myself, my associates Jennifer Shoemaker and the Salty Marylander, plus the three Ravens mascots Edgar, Allan, and Poe, as well as their younger cousin Darkness. Allan and I are right here in Pittsburgh, the Salty Marylander, Edgar, and Darkness are in Cleveland right now, and Jennifer and Poe are in Cincinnati. Owner: So you guys split up into groups to interview fans of rivals about the upcoming NFL season and how they view their own team plus that of the Ravens. Michael: We tried this a couple of years ago before Jennifer, Edgar, Allan, and Darkness came along when it was just me, the Salty Marylander, and Poe. Owner: I’m guessing it worked out so well for you that you decided to do it again especially now with more members on board. Michael: Yup. My last question is what are your expectations for the Steelers this season? Owner: Interesting question. On paper, we have a chance to win our first playoff game since 2016, but you never know. I thought last year we would break out but then we had a few setbacks. Here I hope that even if they don’t win the division, they can at least win a playoff game. We haven’t won one in the TJ Watt Era, and we’ve been aching for one since 2020 when we lost to the Browns. Michael: I hear you. I felt bad for you guys when you lost to Cleveland. Although that year was kind of a fluke for the Browns because in 2021 and 22 they crashed back to earth. Owner: Boy was that fun to watch. Michael: I know. As for me, I kinda feel like they pose the biggest threat to the Ravens repeating in the AFC North. Not only from a physicality standpoint but I feel like even if PQ doesn’t play like he did with the Ravens, they still have Watt, Minkah Fitzpatrick, Cam Heyward, and Joey Porter Jr to hold down the fort on defense. And as long as Wilson can manage the game, they’ll be fine. I know Bengals fans will get mad at me for saying this, but I have Pittsburgh ahead of Cincy at this moment. Owner: Thank you. I do agree, you guys are the team to beat even though we’ve won 7 of 8, but I expect our battles to be intense as ever. (Let It Roll playing) Michael: Thank you. Lord Yinzer, it was great talking to you, and I hope you enjoy the rest of your day and the offseason. Owner: You too. Much respect for your Ravens. Michael: Same. Bye. Owner: Bye. Michael: Alright how’s Jennifer and Poe doing over in Cincy? That Captain better not know that this woman is my true destiny!
(Cincinnati, OH)
Poe: Whistling (Ooh, she’s like a cruel stretch of highways. Ooh, like a cool summer breeze. And I’m always running late, and we might lose control today.) Jennifer: I know you can only speak bird but you have a good singing voice. Poe: Whistling (Thanks. I’m jamming to a popular hit song during the early 90s called Let It Roll.) Jennifer: You were rolling on that one! Now remember, when we get there, you stay in the car, I know it’s hot outside but make sure you have the AC running so you won’t boil out there. Poe: Whistling (I know, it’s hot for mid April. But hey, at least you look RED HOT!) Jennifer: Yup. This was all part of the plan. Since Michael told me that they had no inside info on me, I felt tempted to throw them off from an outfit perspective which is what I prioritize the most. Poe: Whistling (Look at you now, you’re about to troll the Captain!) Jennifer: I can’t wait. This is one of the benefits of being a fashionista and a spy. I can trick my enemies just by looks alone. Poe: Whistling (Boy do I and of course Michael loves a girl who has swagger like you) Jennifer: Thanks Poe. High Five! (BOOM!) Time for me to go undercover, and confuse that Captain. Michael: Jennifer, you there? Jennifer: Yes my love. How was the interview in Pittsburgh? Michael: It was good. The owner of the Steelers Fan Museum was very knowledgeable and nice. He did get a big kick out of me being in a Steph jersey. Jennifer: Hehehehe, I know. Don’t the Dubs play the Kings tonight in the play-in. Michael: Yes they do, which is why I’m decked out in Dub gear. Anyways, I’m kinda surprised that he didn’t mock me for being a Raven fan. Jennifer: Wow. Although Steelers fans respect us more than anybody. Michael: That is very true. Are you inside the Captain’s office building? Jennifer: Yes. Michael: Alright, if he asks you who you are, pretend that you’re a reporter from NFL.com so that he doesn’t know that you’re both a part of the Charm City Beasts, and that you’re my girlfriend. Jennifer: Ok. And don’t worry, I’ve got a red dress on right now so that I can trick him into thinking I’m a Reds fan. Michael: There you go, way to set the tone! The multi-dimensional fashionista from College Park is about to make her mark on that dreaded Captain! NOW GO KICK SOME ASS OUT THERE! Jennifer: AYE MICHAEL! Huh. Lets see, I have my backpack with me, and I’m surprised that my feet aren’t burning especially in these heels. (Knock, knock, knock.) Captain: Come in! (BOOM!) Jennifer: Hello there Captain Win-Cinnati, Present of the Cincinnati Bengals fanclub. Captain: Who are you, and where do you come from? Jennifer: I’m Jennifer Shoemaker, I’m an editor for NFL.com, and I’ve come to interview you about the upcoming 2024 NFL Season. Captain: Ok then. I see you came dressed for the occasion. Although you look more like a college girl about to go to a nightclub than a reporter and your voice sounds like a Barbie doll. Jennifer: I know right. You figured that I am not only a reporter, but also a fashionista. Captain: Oh I get it. So you like to look fancy everywhere you go whether it’s for being a reporter or just to get young men to be in awe of you. Jennifer: Pretty much. I still don’t know how my feet don’t burn from wearing high heels for most of the day. Captain: Probably because you wear them all the time. Jennifer: True. Anyways. I came here today to interview you about the upcoming NFL Season. Captain: Ok then, I got some spicy takes for you. Jennifer: Lets see what you got? First question, what are your thoughts on the Chiefs winning back to back Super Bowls. Captain: OH YOU’RE GONNA ASK ME ABOUT THOSE SWIFTIES! THEY ONLY WON THE SUPER BOWL BECAUSE JOE BURROW WAS INJURED! Jennifer: Well it didn’t take long for you to make your presence felt. Captain: I truly believe that if Joe Cool is healthy, no team in the NFL can stop us. Jennifer: Those are strong words sir. Captain: Strong words? THOSE ARE FACTS! Jennifer: Enough please. Captain: DON’T YOU DARE BACK TALK THE FACE OF THE GREATEST FANBASE IN THE NFL! Jennifer: I’m not trying to, I’m just here to do my job. Captain: I DON’T CARE IF YOU LOOK LIKE A MODEL IN THE ROLE OF A REPORTER, SOMETHING ABOUT YOU SCREAMS TROUBLE! Jennifer: How so? Captain: YOU MUST BE A CHIEFS FAN! Jennifer: Ew, gross. Captain: THEN WHO ARE YOU A FAN OF! Jennifer: I’m not telling you. Captain: DO IT OR ELSE! Jennifer: Fine, I’m a Ravens fan, I’m from College Park, MD. Captain: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! YOU’RE REALLY A FAN OF THOSE CHOKE ARTISTS! Jennifer: We literally just made it to the AFC Championship only to lose to the same team that beat you a year ago! Captain: IT DOESN’T MATTER! LAMAR IS A RUNNING BACK AND LOOKS LIKE A GERMAN SOLDIER ON TWITTER! Jennifer: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY!? Captain: Nothing. Jennifer: DON’T YOU DARE DISRESPECT A TWO TIME MVP AND FUTURE CHAMPION! Captain: I’VE SEEN ENOUGH! I do have one question for you since you’re a Ravens fan. Do you know someone by the name of Michael Hession? (Summertime Sadness playing) Jennifer: Uh, no? Why are you asking me about him? Captain: He and his squad known as the Charm City Beasts locked me up on Blackout Night in Baltimore after I tried to take over the whole city! IT TOOK ME AND MY DAUGHTER 4 MONTHS TO GET OUT OF JAIL! Jennifer: Who’s your daughter? Captain: Her name is Princess Royal Tiger, AND MICHAEL BETRAYED HER AND HER BOYFRIEND WHITE BENGAL ON THAT DREADED (CENSORED) NIGHT! Jennifer: Ooh, I see. Captain: Let me ask you again, DO YOU KNOW HIM!? Jennifer: NO! I DO NOT CAPTAIN! (WHOOSH!) “Time set for 48 hours of dust.” Captain: DON’T YOU DARE (CENSORED) LIE TO ME! I see that you have a tattoo that has the name Michael on there! Jennifer: WELL YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME! “10, 9, 8, 7, 6.” Captain: WHAT IS THAT SOUND! Jennifer: SEE YA MR BUNGLEMAN! “5, 4, 3, 2, 1, dust bomb activated.” Captain: CURSE YOU SHOEMAKER!!! (BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!) Jennifer: Ah, thank god I don’t have to deal with that man. He’s such a jerk. Michael, are you there? Michael: Yes Jennifer, whatcha got? Jennifer: The Captain has been put out of his misery! Michael: LETS GOOOOOO! YES! Anyways, let me guess he was incredibly rude the whole time. Jennifer: Duh, he thought I was a Chiefs fan at first. Michael: Makes sense since you were all dressed in red. So it turns out that he got finessed. Jennifer: HALLA! Michael: Now we can all go back to the headquarters and relax for a week before you and I both have to go to Detroit to cover the draft. Jennifer: I CAN’T WAIT! So it’s just the two of us? Michael: Yup, the Salty Marylander and Raven Brothers will be at the Ravens Annual Draft Watch Party in Columbia, MD. Jennifer: It’s going to be so romantic! Michael: You better believe it, just not on Draft Night, there’s work to be done. Jennifer: Oh for sure. Michael: Where are you now? Jennifer: I just got back in my Mini Cooper. Michael: I see Poe is chilling out eating a snow cone. Poe: Whistling (HEY BUDDY!) Michael: Poe Poe! I can’t wait to see you tomorrow when we all come back.
(7 Days Before the NFL Draft. Charm City Beasts Headquarters)
Marylander: Man does it feel good to be back home in Baltimore! Michael: You betcha! Now we’re a week away from the NFL Draft, and boy the tensions are growing. Allan: Whistling (What are we going to be doing on Draft Night) Michael: You, Edgar, Poe, Darkness, and the Salty Marylander are going to be the emcees at the Ravens Annual Draft Party at Reckless Shepherd Brewery in Columbia. Poe: Whistling (AWESOME!) Marylander: Boy am I excited to do this especially in front of hundreds of Ravens fans! But what about you two? Jennifer: I’m going to Detroit to cover the draft for us. Marylander: Of course Jennifer. I knew you were definitely going since you’re our reporting expert, but is Michael coming with you? Michael: Yes I am. Well I may not have the insane reporting skills that my girl has but I know my facts. Poe: Whistling (That’s right buddy) Michael: And of course, Jennifer wanted us to be alone for the weekend. I was kinda hesitant towards having a romantic weekend while covering the draft, but hey give the people what they want. Jennifer: This is why I love you so much. MWA! Michael: Yup, more mistletoe for the grinder. Jennifer: Anyways, you guys can go relax on the pool deck. Raven Bros: Whistling (YEAH BOY!)
(2 Days Before the NFL Draft)
(The Night is Still Young playing) Jennifer: What dress should I wear to Detroit on Draft Night? Hm, let’s see. Oh yes! All flowers all the time! I mean one of our more popular players is named Flowers. And boy is Michael going to look so good in this navy suit especially with the purple tie. OH MICHAEL! Michael: Yes! Jennifer: Can you come upstairs here for a minute? Michael: Sure thing. Jennifer: Hey my love. Michael: Whatcha got? Jennifer: I picked out our outfits for our trip to Detroit. Your thoughts? Michael: You really want me to wear a suit on Thursday don’t you? Jennifer: Yup. Both of us need to look like professionals since we might be recording the draftee walk-ins on the red carpet. Plus what’s a beautiful woman without her true love being just as fancy. Michael: Make sense. I’m more surprised you picked out a summer dress that would make Zay Flowers proud considering that it’s going to be kinda chilly at night up there in Motown. By the way he won’t receive any charges by the NFL for the incident involving him and his college girlfriend the week before the Chiefs game. Jennifer: Good! Anyways, you taught me the lesson of toughening up in chilly conditions especially when we first met. Michael: There you go. I see you’re using that to your advantage. Normally I’d wear no sleeves on a night like you are on Thursday where it’s going to be 45 degrees, but hey I must look good to appease you. Jennifer: Very true. We’re going to look so good out there! Michael: I know right. Besides, we’re also going to check in with the Draft Party in Columbia before the event starts, and right when the Ravens are on the clock so they’ll get to see how good looking we are. Jennifer: Hm, I can’t wait for Poe’s reaction. He loves it when I dress up before I go to work at the College Park fashion store in the morning. Michael: Hm, looks like Poe is going to get a massive kick out of you going flower power. Jennifer: HAHAHAHA! I can’t wait for his reaction!
(The Real Thing playing) Michael: Well guys, Jennifer and I are heading out. Marylander: Oh that’s right you two are going to Detroit. Jennifer: I wish we could take you guys along for the trip but you’re going to have so much fun at the NFL Draft Watch Party at the Reckless Shepherd Brewery. Allan: Whistling (You better believe it) Edgar: Whistling (We’ll be dancing, having some Maryland Crab Cakes for dinner, drinking Gatorade, eating snow cones and watching the entire draft closely) Michael; Sounds like fun. Poe: Whistling (I see you two extra packed since you’ll only be there until Friday morning.) Michael: Well Jennifer wanted me to dress to impress for this since we’re on reporting duty for Thursday Night. So she made me pack a suit. Marylander: Interesting. Let me guess, Jennifer is going to be in some stunning dress. Jennifer: YES I AM! Just you wait and see! Marylander: I knew you were going to say that. The fashionista has sweet talked our master into having GQ looks. Michael: Pretty much Salty Marylander. I mean the two of us are madly in love. Allan: Whistling (Yes you are. I heard it’s going to be chilly in Motown) Jennifer: Did you not see us, especially me go sleeveless in the opening battle with the Swifties? Allan: Whistling (Ooooh, I get it. I was there with you for most of the time) Jennifer: If I could survive those elements, I can survive this. Michael: That’s the spirit! Alright guys, see you on Friday! Marylander: Good luck! Raven Bros: Whistling (Tell Ravens Media we said hi!) Jennifer: Sure thing! LETS GO!
(Draft Night I, Reckless Shepherd Brewery)
(Thunderstruck playing) Marylander: GOOD EVENING FOOTBALL FANS AND WELCOME TO THE BALTIMORE RAVENS OFFICIAL 2024 NFL DRAFT WATCH PARTY AT THE RECKLESS SHEPHERD BREWERY! Crowd: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Marylander: I’m the Salty Marylander, I’ll be your host for tonight, I will be joined by my fellow members of the Charm City Beasts. Please join me in welcoming the mascots of the Baltimore Ravens. Edgar, Allan, and Poe, also known as the Raven Brothers! Crowd: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Marylander: Also give a warm welcome to our guest DJ for tonight’s Watch Party, also from the Charm City Beasts, DARKNESS AKA LIL POE! Crowd: YAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Marylander: COME ON UP BIRDS! Edgar: Whistling (TIME TO FLEX THOSE MUSCLES!) Allan: Whistling (GET LOUD FLOCK NATION!) Poe: Whistling (This is what the people came to see. HECK YEAH!)
(Detroit, MI)
Michael: Wow, Jennifer did a good job picking out my outfit for tonight. I must say she’s probably the only one I know who doesn’t mind me double buttoning a suit. Well I only button it when I wear a tie alongside it. Anyways, how much longer does she need? We’re kinda up against the clock. (Game of Love playing) Jennifer: TA DA! Michael: WOW! I mean wow! Jennifer: What do you think? Michael: Oh my, all of those flowers and the sunglasses. Man, you look so beautiful! Jennifer: Thank you so much! And you look so handsome in that suit! I find that you’re being a professional at a high level! Michael: Thanks, check out my socks. Jennifer: OH YES! Ravens socks, to go along with the purple tie. You look dressed for the occasion. Michael: Yes I am, and so are you. Jennifer: Yes, plus I don’t need a jacket tonight. Michael: That’s what I’m talking about! Even if it’s 50 degrees, it won’t stop you from rocking a summer dress. Jennifer: No doubt. Now take my hand. Michael: Uh, ok. Whatever you say. (ZOOM! ZOOM!) Jennifer: Hehehe. Michael: I knew you wanted me to twirl you, only for you to come back around and then put your arms around me. Jennifer: Yes baby! C’mere my handsome prince charming. Put your lips on mine and I’ll put mine on yours. Michael: Alright then, it’s our night so let’s start this off the right way. Both: MWWWA! MWWWWWA! MWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWA!
(Reckless Shepherd Brewery)
(Seven Nation Army playing) Crowd: O-O-O-O-O-O-O! O-O-O-O-O-O-O! Edgar: Whistling (I’M GOING TO BALTIMORE) O-O-O-O-O-O-O! Allan: Whistling (A SEVEN NATION ARMY COULDN’T HOLD ME BACK! THEY GONNA RIP IT OFF!) O-O-O-O-O-O-O! Poe: Whistling (TAKING THEIR TIME RIGHT BEHIND MY BACK! AND I’M TALKING TO MYSELF AT NIGHT BECAUSE I CAN’T FORGET!) O-O-O-O-O-O-O! Darkness: Whistling (BACK AND FORTH THROUGH MY MIND BEHIND MY COZY NEST!) O-O-O-O-O-O-O! Raven Bros: Whistling (AND A MESSAGE COMING FROM MY EYES THAT SAYS BIG BIG TRUZZ!) Crowd: O-O-O-O-O-O-O! O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O! O-O-O-O-O-O-O! O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O! Marylander: ALRIGHT LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! Great job on the Seven Nation Army chanting Flock Nation. (Connected playing) It’s now time to check in with two very special guests who are joining us live from the Hart Plaza in Detroit. Please give a warm welcome to the heart and the soul of the Charm City Beasts, both in terms of hard work and love for one another. MICHAEL HESSION AND JENNIFER SHOEMAKER! Crowd: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Darkness: Whistling (Uh our connection isn’t working too well right now) Marylander: I don’t think it’s us it’s them, and they don’t have their camera on air either. MASTER CAN YOU HEAR US! Michael: I think so. Marylander: Good, is your camera guy ready? Michael: Yup, we’re on the air now. GET LOUD FLOCK NATION! Crowd: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Poe: Whistling (OH MY! JENNIFER LOOKS SO GOOD!) Edgar: Whistling (MY MAN MICHAEL IS LOOKING FIRE!) Allan: Whistling (AREN’T THEY SUCH A GOOD COUPLE!?) Marylander: Well you two are looking fancy tonight as I knew you would be, especially Jennifer with her eye popping flowered dress and sunglasses. Jennifer: Yes we are! Thanks for the compliment! Michael: I see you boys are decked out in All Purple from jersey to shoe. Poe: Whistling (Heck yeah buddy!) Marylander: Yup, it’s not the Color Rush but close enough. How’s the weather up in Motown? Michael: It’s not too chilly, and it’s still sunny outside. Marylander: That’s good. (Muriel playing) Crowd: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Marylander: Hold on a second, EDGAR JUST RIPPED OFF HIS JERSEY AND IS FLEXING IN FRONT OF THE FANS AT THE DRAFT PARTY! Michael: I heard he’s been in the pool a lot since we lifted the tarp off last week. Marylander: Yup. LOOK AT HIM! Edgar: Whistling (I’M TOO FLASHY FOR MY SHIRT, TOO FLASHY FOR MY SHIRT SO FLASHY YEAH! AND I’M TOO FLASHY FOR MY LAND, TOO FLASHY FOR MY LAND B-MORE AND JAPAN!) Michael: Good, I didn’t want him using the S word. Not that S word, you know what I mean. Marylander: OH ALLAN AND POE TOOK THEIR JERSEYS OFF! GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT! Jennifer: You guys must be having serious fun and the draft hasn’t even started. Michael: I know right. Jennifer: You’re not gonna rip off your suit. Michael: Heck no, I mean afterwards while we’re back at the hotel room yeah, but all I know is that we’ve got to go interview some Raven fans. Jennifer: I’M SO EXCITED! Michael: Alright boys, we’ll check in with you when the Ravens are on the clock at Pick 30 or if they decide to trade up. Marylander: Ok then, talk to you then, have fun! Alright Flock Nation, I have one question, and I want you guys to answer this very clearly. WHOS GOT IT BETTER THAN US! Crowd: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBODY! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (PAUSE)
“With the 29th pick, in the 2024 NFL Draft, the Dallas Cowboys select, Tyler Guyton, Tackle, Oklahoma.” Marylander: Alright Darkness, you know what that means. Play the song! Darkness: Let’s go! “HERE WE ARE DON’T TURN AWAY NOW! WE ARE THE WARRIORS THAT BUILT THIS TOWN! (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) HERE WE ARE DON’T TURN AWAY NOW! (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) WE ARE THE WARRIORS THAT BUILT! THIS!! TOWN!!!” Marylander: Lets see what Michael and Jennifer’s thoughts are? Poe: Whistling (I wonder what they’ll think of the situation) Michael: Sup everyone! Crowd: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Michael: Thank you Flock Nation, right now Jennifer and I are in the back of the Ravens fan area inside the amphitheater so we may have a hard time hearing you. Marylander: It’s all good. What do you think we should do here? Jennifer: Michael wanted either Armarius Mims or Tyler Guyton to fall to us at 30 but both are off the board. Michael: Really Dallas? You had to troll us like that. Jennifer: Now that all of the 1st Round Tackle prospects are off the board, Michael and I agreed that this selection should be the best player available. Marylander: Yeah, I want a WR, but I get where you guys are coming from. Poe: Whistling (Hello you lovebirds!) Michael: Hey Poe! Jennifer: Hi Poe! Marylander: How’s the weather now? Jennifer: I’m not cold at all. Michael: Jennifer is showing how tough she is out there tonight. Actually it’s not as cold as we thought it would be. Marylander: Nice. Michael: Anyways the pick so we gotta go. Marylander: Alright see you guys tomorrow night. Michael: Same. Marylander: Anyways that was the two cornerstones of the Charm City Beasts both in terms of leadership and romance. Allan: Whistling (Clever way to put it) Marylander: Exactly Allan. Edgar: Whistling (Here comes Goodell) Marylander: Alright Flock here it is. “With the 30th pick, in the 2024 NFL Draft, the Baltimore Ravens select, Nate Wiggins, Defensive Back, Clemson.” Jennifer: YES! Michael: Oh boy! Marylander: Interesting! Good pick! Raven Bros: Whistling (SWEET!) Crowd: WOAAAAAAH! (CLAPPING!) Marylander: I see we have some mixed thoughts. Michael and Jennifer did say he was the best player on the board. Poe: Whistling (I saw something on NFL Network that he had the 2nd fastest 40 time during the Combine) Marylander: Poe you must have done your homework last night. Poe: Whistling (You better believe it buddy!) Marylander: The Chiefs may have drafted Xavier Worthy, BUT WE DRAFTED THE FASTEST CORNER IN THE DRAFT IN ORDER TO KEEP UP WITH THE CHIEFS AND THEIR SPEED! Crowd: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! R! A! V! E! N! S! RAVENS!
(Detroit, MI)
Michael: Ah. Finally I can get out of this suit I’m in. Jennifer: You wanted to flex your muscles when we were talking to the others so go ahead. Michael: I won’t rip my shirt off, I’ll just unbutton it. (A FEW MOMENTS LATER) “I’m too flashy for my love, too flashy for my love, loves going to leave me.” Michael: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Jennifer: OH! MY! GOD! Michael: UNLEASH THE FURY INSIDE MY VEINS! Jennifer: Boy do I love you so much! Michael: You were waiting for me to do this all night! Jennifer: I’m so glad that you were so patient in regards to this. Michael: I know, you probably spent $350 to buy that suit for me at the fashion store you work at. Jennifer: Well employers get 50% off their orders. Michael: You’re so lucky aren’t you? Jennifer: Hehe yeah, that’s one of the reasons why I enjoy working there. Michael: That and you always dress like a model when you’re on duty. Especially tonight with all of that flower power. Jennifer: Come here baby! Michael: Well it looks like someone’s starving for some X’s and O’s if you get my point. Both: MWWWWWWWWWWWA!
(Draft Night II, Charm City Beasts Headquarters)
Marylander: I wonder who’s going to announce our selections tonight. Michael: I believe it’s Haloti Ngata, I could be wrong but that’s what I’ve heard. Jennifer: Yes, it’s Haloti. Raven Bros: Whistling (MR ROYAL FARMS CHICKEN!) Michael: He’s the OG in that department. JT may hold that title now, but Ngata was the first Raven to embrace Royal Farms Chicken. Marylander: Well it sucks for us since we’re all Gluten Free. Jennifer: I know, but you gotta love our marketing team, we know how to get the fans fired up. Michael: There you go. Guys he’s at the podium. “With the 62nd pick in the 2024 NFL Draft, the Baltimore Ravens select, Roger Rosengarten, Tackle Washington.” Michael: YES! Jennifer: THERE WE GO! Michael: YES! Marylander: Master, you got your wish! Michael: Thank god! That’s a good pick, you needed take him there, you could not have Patrick Mekari as your strongside blocker, this guy could be your strongside blocker for a long time if he pans out. Jennifer: Well if you look at it, he was Michael Penix’s blindside protector which means he could also play LT. Michael: I didn’t think of that. This will probably be Ronnie Stanley’s last year with the Ravens since his contract expires at long last. Jennifer: Well the organization is very high on Daniel Faalele as well, so that means Rosengarten could be the LT and Faalele could be the RT going forward. Michael: Well EDC wants young and athletic linemen to help protect Lamar so I don’t blame him for this. Marylander: I like the pick, but the angry fan in me wants WR. Michael: Hey, we’ll get a WR either in Round 3, or Round 4. Jennifer: This is a deep WR draft, so we could find a gem later on. I really hope Devontez Walker drops to us in either the 3rd or 4th Round. Marylander: Who’s he? Jennifer: He was Drake Maye’s top target at North Carolina, if he didn’t have a bad showing at the Senior Bowl he’d be a much higher pick. Michael: Oh, I’ll remember that name once we get back on the clock.
(2 HOURS LATER)
“I’m here with my sons Sam, Max, and Colt. They were all born in Baltimore. And they were all raised, they were all raised to say one thing. STEELERS SUCK!” Cast: HAHAHAHAHAHA! Raven Bros: Whistling (THE BENGALS AND BROWNS SUCK TOO!) Michael: There you go rascals! “With the 93rd pick, in the 2024 NFL Draft, the Baltimore Ravens select, Adisa Isaac, Linebacker Penn State. Michael: YES! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! WE ARE! Poe: Whistling (PENN STATE!) Michael: WE ARE! Poe: Whistling (PENN STATE!) Michael: WE ARE! Poe: Whistling (PENN STATE!) Michael: THANK YOU! Poe: Whistling (You’re Welcome!) Edgar: Whistling (Poe I thought you were a Terps guy) Poe: Whistling (Our master is a Nittany Lion so I gotta fire him up) Allan: Whistling (PSU is my 2nd favorite college team so I don’t have a problem) Michael: Biases aside I think this is a solid pick in terms of depth purposes. I know Ojabo and Oweh have high upside, but just in case they don’t pan out, it would be nice to have more depth off the edge. Jennifer: Agreed. So now we have Oweh, Ojabo, Van Noy, Isaac and Tavius Robinson. Marylander: I know, BUT WE SHOULD HAVE RESIGNED CLOWNEY! Michael: Patience my man. We still have Dr Rush coaching these guys up, we’ll be fine. Jennifer: Please tell me that Walker guy will be there in the 4th Round. Him or TJ Tampa would be awesome!
(ONE DAY LATER)
“With the 113th pick, in the 2024 NFL Draft, the Baltimore Ravens select, Devontez Walker, Wide Receiver UNC.” Jennifer: I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! COME HERE LOVER! Michael: Woah, woah, stop kissing me, stop, STOP! Jennifer: Ok, I’ll stop. Anyways, LET’S GO! WE GOT THE GUY I WANTED! Michael: Hehe, I know you’re all excited but I have a question. Jennifer: What is it? Michael Are you a straight A student? Jennifer: Yes sir! Michael: This is why you’re both my true love and my associate. You’re smart and good looking. Anyways you were right. Walker dropped into our laps, and hopefully he becomes the next Torrey Smith. Jennifer: I really hope so. We’ve been begging for a mid round steal at WR for a long time. Poe: Whistling (Salty Marylander you got your receiver) Marylander: Yes but this should have happened earlier with AD Mitchell at 30. Michael: I know but hey at least give him a chance. Anyways I will laugh so hard if TJ Tampa drops to us at the end of the 4th Round. I know Jennifer is going to go crazy if that happens. What about you Edgar, Allan, and Darkness? Edgar: Whistling (Boy would that be awesome) Allan: Whistling (Where was he supposed to go) Michael: Early 2nd Round. Allan: Whistling (That’s crazy!) Darkness: Whistling (They should never have let Walker come to us, if we get Tampa, crazy time)
(A FEW MOMENTS LATER)
“With the 130th pick in the 2024 NFL Draft, the Baltimore Ravens select, TJ Tampa, Defensive Back, Iowa State.” Jennifer: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! THE STEAL OF THE DRAFT BABY! Michael/Marylander: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Michael: Ah yes, Jennifer should go to Horseshoe with how she’s gotten both of these 4th Rounders correct. Jennifer: I would, but after how much walking around and shouting we did in Detroit, I’d rather just relax for the rest of the weekend. Michael: Yeah, you interviewed almost every Ravens fan that made the trip to Motown on Draft Night. Jennifer: I sure did. This is why you brought me on board. Michael: That and we all hate the Swiftie Empire. Jennifer: For sure. I wonder how they’re doing. Marylander: They’re enjoying the ERAS Tour right now despite the fact that we escaped their Airship. Michael: Thank god Jennifer’s ex left a dust bomb machine behind after Darkness and the Salty Marylander darted him up. Poe: Whistling (Well Jennifer used that to her advantage in Cincy) Michael: Yeah, if Captain Win-Cinnati thought the two of us, the Salty Marylander, Edgar, Allan, and Darkness were a handful to deal with, now he’s gotta account for a generational talent in terms of clothing, learning intangibles, and physical ability. Jennifer: Heck yeah. Michael: Well if there’s anything that needs to be said, we may have solved our depth concerns. Marylander: That’s right. WE’RE COMING FOR YOU TAYLOR SWIFT! Jennifer: They should never have let us escape their Airship! Michael: We can fight two wars at once. We already are deep into the Beast-Swiftie War, but also THE GREAT AFC NORTH WAR! Cast: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (TO BE CONTINUED)
Bragging Rights Sports 