The following is a special presentation of Bragging Rights Sports:
Ladies and Gentlemen we ask that you please rise and that gentlemen remove your hats.
IN MEMORIAM: THE FRANCIS SCOTT KEY BRIDGE (1972-2024)
ON TUESDAY MORNING, THE FRANCIS SCOTT KEY BRIDGE OVER THE PATAPSCO RIVER ON I-695 NEAR DOWNTOWN BALTIMORE, COLLAPSED VIA CARGO SHIP IN MAYDAY AFTER IT HAD LOST POWER AROUND 2:00 A.M. THE NEWS OCCURRED JUST 1 DAY AFTER THE FINAL EDITS OF THIS DOCUMENT WERE MADE. ALL OF US AT BRAGGING RIGHTS SPORTS ARE SO SADDENED BY THE EVENTS THAT STRUCK OUR BELOVED CITY. BALTIMORE MAY BE IN MOURNING, BUT IT’S A PLACE THAT HAS ALWAYS FOUND WAYS TO GET RIGHT BACK UP AFTER SUFFERING THROUGH TRAGEDY AND DEVASTATION. WE MAY BE DOWN FOR NOW, BUT WE WON’T BE DOWN FOR LONG. IN MEMORY AND IN DEDICATION OF ONE OF THE MOST ICONIC FIGURES IN BALTIMORE CITY, THOSE WHO LOST THEIR LIVES WHILE ON THE BRIDGE, THOSE WHO WERE INJURED ON SIGHT, THOSE WHO LIVE IN THE AREA AROUND THE PATAPSCO RIVER, THOSE WHO ARE HELPING OUR CITY TO RECOVER FROM THIS TRAGIC EVENT, THOSE WHO LIVE IN THE BALTIMORE AREA, THOSE WHO LIVE IN THE STATE OF MARYLAND, AND THOSE WHO ARE RAVENS AND ORIOLES FANS FROM AROUND THE UNITED STATES AND THE WORLD, WE ASK THAT PLEASE YOU JOIN US IN A MOMENT OF SILENCE……………………………………………………………THANK YOU.
(Taps playing)………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
Please be seated. Ladies and Gentlemen, it is now time to sit back, relax and enjoy this much anticipated sequel between the Swiftie Empire and our Charm City Beasts which personifies the fighting spirit we admire throughout the City of Baltimore. Thank you.
(No Mercy playing)
PREVIOUSLY ON CHARM CITY BEASTS VS THE SWIFTIE EMPIRE:
“THE SWIFTIES ARE ATTACKING!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!”
“NOW THEY’RE GETTING IT!” (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!)”
“WE GOTTA GO TO THE STORAGE!”
“SO YOU’RE FIGHTING AGAINST THE SWIFTIE EMPIRE? THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I’M DOING RIGHT NOW!”
“WE’RE GOING TO THE WEST SIDE TO TAKE THEM ALL DOWN! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”
“FIND OUT WHO SHE IS! AND WHAT THEY’RE PLANNING!”
“JENNIFER! MY STUPID EX! IS FALLING IN LOVE WITH THEIR MASTER AS WE SPEAK!”
“(YES, BUT THEY STOLE THE SWAN BOATS IN THE INNER HARBOR AND HAVE TROOPS IN EACH BOAT) WELL, I GUESS WE’RE JUMPING ON ONE OF THOSE MOTOR BOATS TO TRY AND HUNT THEM DOWN.”
“ACTIVATE THE MAGNET OF DOOOOOOOM!”
“THE SCAR IS GONE!”
“WE MUST FOLLOW THAT CAR WHEREVER IT GOES!”
“STOP! PLEASE STOP! WE’LL SERVE OUR OFFSEASON PUNISHMENT! JUST DON’T HURT MY GIRLFRIEND OR THE REST OF MY SQUAD!”
“ALRIGHT, THEN LET’S START PLANNING OUR GETAWAY PLAN TO GET OUT OF THIS DREADED AIRSHIP ONCE AND FOR ALL! LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
“GONG!” GONG!”
(For Whom The Bell Tolls Playing)
BRAGGING RIGHTS SPORTS PRESENTS:
A MARYLAND CULTURE PRODUCTION
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!
THE MOMENT YOU’VE BEEN WAITING FOR!
CHARM CITY BEASTS
THE UNRIVALED THEMED STORY OF THE BALTIMORE RAVENS
THE FIGHT OF THEIR LIVES!
IT’S ALL ABOUT SURVIVAL!
MICHAEL HESSION, TAYLOR SWIFT, JADEN SMITH, JENNIFER SHOEMAKER, THE SALTY MARYLANDER, LEAD HENCHMAN MCCORD, CHIEF SWIFTIE STEWART, EDGAR, ALLAN, POE, WITH DARKNESS, AND THE GREAT SWIFT ARMY!
CHARM CITY BEASTS VS THE SWIFTIE EMPIRE: THE MONOCHROMATIC GRUDGE MATCH!
“HOLD ON TIGHT, HERE WE GOOOOOOOO!”
(February 21, 2024. Swiftie Airship)
(Everyone Knows playing) Chief Swiftie: IT’S THE CHARM CITY BEASTS! THEY WERE DRESSING LIKE SWIFTIES THIS WHOLE TIME! Marylander: RUN! (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) Michael: This was a really bad idea! Jennifer: I know you wanted us to go on a spy mission to confuse them, but it turns out that they aren’t confused at all! Guard Swiftie: FREEZE! I demand that the Master of the Charm City Beasts plus his two friends shall be sentenced back to their cellular cages near the casino. Marylander: THAT’S JUST GREAT! Henchman McCord: I have another idea. The two young men should go back to the cell, I’m taking the woman with me. Jennifer: OH I’M NOT UP FOR DEALING WITH YOU AGAIN! Michael: You can’t do this to her! Both: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
(March 29, 2024. Swiftie Airship)
Michael: Ouch. Poe: Whistling (You okay buddy) Michael: Yeah, I just slammed my head on the wall while trying to take an afternoon nap. Poe: Whistling (Do you still have nightmares from that failed escape plan) Michael: No, not at all. Actually, yes. Allan: Whistling (What are we going to do? We’ve been stuck here for 2 months) Darkness: Whistling (And Jennifer is not even with us) Edgar: Whistling (Where could she be?) Michael: She’s with Tony McCord, the Lead Henchman of the Swift Army. Who by the way just happens to be her ex-boyfriend. Poe: Whistling (Wow, I did not realize that buddy) Marylander: Yes, and Michael is very jealous. Michael: UUUUUUUUH! Allan: Whistling (I was with him when they first met inside the Babe Ruth Museum. It was love at first sight for them) Michael: My first intention was that there was a guard down there protecting the Scar, but she was lovestruck from the moment I walked in because we all had Purple on Black. That and she looked so beautiful with the dress she wore which is typical for her since she’s a multi-talented fashionista. Edgar: Whistling (Speaking of clothes, I’m tired of wearing this long sleeved jail outfit) Marylander: I’m with you. At least we get to eat good food, and we get to clean ourselves each day unlike most prisons. Poe: Whistling (That’s the only thing I like about them. The rest of it is rotten eggs) Michael: That and they also didn’t take away any of our phones and video walkie talkie systems, which I’m shocked. But that’s more because Jennifer’s backpack is still in here. Allan: Whistling (I just saw that the Annual Easter Egg Hunt is this Sunday in Washington DC) Darkness: Whistling (What are the Ravens going to do if we can’t get out of here by tonight?) Michael: That’s it. (Not Afraid playing) Guys, WE’RE GETTING OUT OF HERE TONIGHT! Marylander: UGH! How are we going to do this? Michael: Here’s what I know. Once a day, usually around dusk depending on where the Airship is, there’s a guard who comes into this cell room and checks to see if everyone is inside their cages. But the good news is that he carries the keys to each cell in his back pocket, plus none of the cages are equipped with an electric fence. Edgar: Whistling (But how are we going to kill him) Michael: The only good news about our last getaway plan was that we were able to find darts from the casino, and I put as many of them as I possibly could into the backpack. Marylander: How many did you find? Michael: I don’t know the exact number but there were a lot of them on the ground. Poe: Whistling (Sweet! So that means if we’re careful enough. We can kill the guard and grab the keys!) Michael: EXACTLY!
(BOOM!) Darkness: Whistling (The guard is coming) Guard Swiftie: All is good in the cell room. T-Swift: Just what I wanted to hear. Now it’s time to start setting up for our weekly Friday Night Dance Party! Guard Swiftie: EH! Edgar: Whistling (He’s dead!) Marylander: SOMEONE GRAB THE KEYS! Michael: On it, Salty Marylander! (WHOOSH) Poe: Whistling (You stole a magnet as well) Michael: Yep, I also found one of the magnets that took our guns during the last battle in Baltimore inside the casino as well, so we’ve got one of those to lore over one of their archery sticks. Allan: Whistling (Great! So what’s the plan now) Michael: Allan, you, the Salty Marylander, Edgar, and Darkness are going to find the room where they store all of our weapons. It’s right near the shopping mall on the 2nd Floor. Poe, we’re going to find Jennifer. Marylander: Of course, Michael’s going to find his true love and leave me with the rascals. Michael: Salty Marylander listen to me. The reason you and I don’t go on similar missions during these battles is because when we have numerous targets, we need you to lead the one that’s the most dangerous. I left you in charge when Allan and I went into the museum in search of the Scar, and you ran the Swifties out of City Hall. I have that much faith in you. Plus the Raven Brothers look up to you as their idol. Marylander: Thanks boss. NOW LET’S KICK SOME ASS OUT THERE! Michael: Now before we go I need to find where Henchman McCord’s room is so I can figure out where Poe and I need to go. Lets see, lets see. So he’s on Floor 4, which is where the Swiftie Scientists, Chief Swiftie, and Guards all have suites for them to stay overnight. Poe: Whistling (Lets go to Floor 4 buddy!) Michael: Guys, remember, the moment we break out of our cage, the alarm siren will go off, which means we need to act quickly. The only downside is that there isn’t an elevator or escalator in the area, so we’re probably going to have to take the stairs to get up to Floors 2 and 4. Marylander: Isn’t the mall on the other side of the Ship? Michael: You’re right. You guys get the harder yet more luxurious draw compared to what I’m getting. Anyways, enough talk, let’s get moving!
T-Swift: I wonder what’s on the menu at the dance tonight? Chief Swiftie: Looks like all you can eat seafood, just what we need for Easter Weekend. (SIREN) T-Swift: Who’s breaking out of the cells now? Chief Swiftie: It’s the Charm City Beasts. T-Swift: GUARDS GO AFTER THEM!
Michael: Poe, just like the Blackout battle against Princess Royal Tiger, it’s you and me. Except this time we’re going to save the pretty girl instead of fighting the pretty girl. Poe: Whistling (If it ain’t broke, don’t fiddle with it) Michael: Nope, not at all. (BOOM!) Guards: Destroy! Destroy! Destroy! Destroy! (Imma Tell playing) (WHOOSH!) Michael: GIMME THAT PAINTBALL GUN YOU BASTARD! Poe: Whistling (So they took one of our Paintball Guns from earlier) Michael: Yes, and now it’s ours again. Enough talking. LET’S GO FIND JENNIFER! “This is the town where the clowns put it down baby!” (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) “Close the door before your child hears the sound baby!” (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) Poe: Whistling (There’s more guards going at us than I thought there’d be) Michael: Well that’s because they know how dangerous I am after watching footage of me vs Princess Royal Tiger. Poe: Whistling (Yeah, we took it to her and White Bengal plus that annoying Captain of theirs that night.) Michael: Yes we did. Anyways let’s go! (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) UH! COME ON! HIGH YA! COME AND GET IT! Guards: Destroy! Destroy! Destroy! Destroy! Michael: There’s the stairs, time to climb our way to Floor 4. (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) Poe: Whistling (Should I throw some darts) Michael: Go for it Poe!
T-Swift: They all got out and are going in two different directions. GO AFTER THE BIGGER GROUPING! Jaden: Let me guess it’s that Hession guy again. Now I see why you brought me in. To retool our rivalry. T-Swift: Yes I did. I put so much attention on destroying him, and now the others have an easier path to find the weapon room. Chief Swiftie: They also have some of our magnets too. And lots of darts plus a Paintball Gun that was leftover from the last battle. T-Swift: UUUUUUUUUUUGH! STOP THEM!
(BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) Michael: We’ve reached Floor 4, now where are the suites? Poe: Whistling (Other side of the ship) Michael: Let’s go there before they realize where we are outside the cage. (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) Guards: Destroy! Destroy! Destroy! Destroy! (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) Michael: GIVE IT TO ME! GIVE IT TO ME! GIVE IT TO ME! YOU CAN’T PLAY AROUND WITH US CUZ WE’RE GOING TO BREAK FREE! (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) Poe: Whistling (Ooh, Monkey Bars!) Michael: Looks like we have to climb monkey bars to get to the other side. (WHOOSH!) How did the Paintball Gun get over to the other side without falling down? Poe: Whistling (I don’t know buddy) Michael: Who cares it’s time to climb. I’ll go first. If they try shooting me down, throw more darts at them. Poe: Whistling (Ok) (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) Michael: Go, climb across! (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) Poe: Whistling (OOF THAT WAS CLOSE!) Michael: Too close, the Henchman’s Room is to the right. Lock the door so they won’t get in. Poe: Whistling (Gotcha) (BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!) Michael: Oh thank goodness that’s over with. Poe: Whistling (Can we check in with the others for a moment) Michael: Sure. Guys, how are we doing downstairs? Marylander: We’re doing great. We got the easier draw because Tay-Tay put all of her resources into the two of you. Poe: Whistling (How close are you to the Weapon Room?) Allan: Whistling (We just got into the Mall, so we’re going to look for it while trying to fight back.) Michael: Now it says the guards are heading towards you all. Find that room before they get there! Marylander: ROGER THAT BOSS! Where are you anyways? Michael: We’re right outside Henchman McCord’s room. Not really though but we’re in that hallway. Darkness: Whistling (I’m surprised that you’re checking in with us) Poe: Whistling (We locked the guards out of the hall, which is why they’re going towards you all) Darkness: Whistling (Boys, we need to focus) Michael: Alright Darkness, good luck out there. Poe, listen to me. I’m giving the same request that I gave Allan in the museum. You stay outside of the room for now, but if need be in case I’m in trouble. You come in for a sneak attack. You got me on this. Poe: Whistling (Yes buddy) Michael: Good. Please tell me that Jennifer Shoemaker still knows who I am and that I’m the love of her life.
(Wild Thoughts playing) Jennifer: Can you hurry up, I still need a shower and to do my makeup. Henchman McCord: Haven’t you told me this every night? Jennifer: Well, I’m trying to be very clear in a polite way. Henchman McCord: Oh please, the reason why I’m late to all of these events is because of you. Jennifer: You spend just as much time looking at yourself in the mirror and saying to yourself I look so good in my suits as I do. Henchman McCord: Yeah well, I can’t help it, I love the way I look. Jennifer: This is one of the reasons why I didn’t want to deal with you. Henchman McCord: Don’t you dare talk to me like that. You better treat me the way a wife is supposed to treat a husband. Jennifer: HUSBAND!? I’D NEVER MARRY YOU! Henchman McCord: Well, you may not have a choice because Taylor is going to roast me if I don’t. Jennifer: I don’t care about that, just leave me be. Henchman McCord: NO! Jennifer: Then I’m not talking to you. Henchman McCord: Then who are you going to go out with every night? Jennifer: Here’s the thing Tony, I have a boyfriend and it’s not you. Henchman McCord: THEN WHO IS IT! Jennifer: You don’t know who my boyfriend is? Well I’m about to tell you all about him right now. HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!!! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAH!!!
Michael: You hear that Poe? Poe: Whistling (Is that Jennifer singing?) Michael: Yes it is. Time to make my move by knocking out her ex! (Ain’t No Other Man playing) (BOOM!) WELL! WELL! WELL! LOOK WHO’S BACK MR. MCCORD! Jennifer: MICHAEL! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! Henchman McCord: HE’S YOUR BOYFRIEND OF ALL THINGS!? Michael: You bet I am. I’ve come to take you down so that Ms. Shoemaker can finally be proven right about you, you well dressed clown! That and we’re trying to get back to Baltimore. Henchman McCord: Good luck with that since you have no weapons. Michael: THINK AGAIN SUNNY! (WHOOSH!) Jennifer: OOOH! You found one of their magnets! Michael: Yes I did. And now his laser gun is mine. HE’S ABOUT TO GET SUFFOCATED! (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) Jennifer: Ain’t no other man can’t stand up next to you. Michael: HIGH YA! Jennifer: Ain’t no other man on the planet does what you do. (BOOM!) Henchman McCord: OW! Jennifer: You’re the kind of guy a girl finds in other moves. Michael: BOOYA! Jennifer: You got soul, you got class, you got style, you’re badass. Ain’t no other man is true. Ain’t no other man but you! Michael: TAKE! THAT! Henchman McCord: Enough already! Michael: You wanted to know who her boyfriend is, WELL HERE I AM TONY! I could hear you guys talking from all the way outside the room. Henchman McCord: I’m telling Taylor about this. Michael: I double dog dare you to leave this room and do just that. Henchman McCord: Who cares, you’re about to be in serious trouble, and you’re about to watch Ms. Shoemaker be forced to marry me. (Best Friend playing) Michael: I’m warning you. If you try leaving this room, you’re going to face your ultimate doom. Henchman McCord: You’re so embarrassing. (BOOM!) Poe: Whistling (Hi there!) (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) Henchman McCord: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Michael: CHASE HIS ASS DOWN THAT FREAKING HALLWAY! Jennifer: YEAH, THAT MAN IS SO OVERRATED!
Henchman McCord: SOMEONE HELP ME! Michael: Poe. Poe: Whistling (Yes master) Michael: Tell the others to come towards Floor 4! Poe: Whistling (Gotcha. Salty Marylander, do you have the weapons?) Marylander: YES WE DO! Poe: Whistling (Great. Me and Michael just chased Henchman McCord out of his room, and he’s trying to get to Taylor) Edgar: Whistling (I see him.) Marylander: THERE HE IS! FIRE! (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) Henchman McCord: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (BOOOOOOOOOOM!) Marylander: DO! YOU! YIELD! Henchman McCord: I do not. Marylander: Darkness, throw some darts in his freaking face! Darkness: Whistling (Yessir) Henchman McCord: Eh. Poe: Whistling (Well, now he’s dead) Allan: Whistling (LETS GO!) Marylander: Poe, where’s the Henchman’s room! Poe: Whistling (Follow me)
(LoveStoned playing) Michael: And it looks like the others are about to hunt him down too. Jennifer: They better. First of all, how did you know I was here? Michael: Well they didn’t take our walkie talkies when they captured us, which I’m absolutely surprised by. Jennifer: True. I still have mine with me. Michael: Nice! So it said on the radar that McCord’s room was on the 4th Floor near the end of the far hall. Jennifer: True, but how did you manage to escape your cell? Michael: Well, you do realize that when we tried our first getaway, we were able to collect a lot of darts, plus one of their magnets which we were able to put into your backpack which I have right now. Jennifer: That’s great. Michael: Well, Edgar threw one of the darts at the guard who was checking on the cell room, it killed him and he also had keys in his pocket. So we were able to unlock the door, and get out. Jennifer: Did the alarm go off? Michael: Yes it did, and they sent most of the guards towards me and Poe, and none of them were able to track us down. Jennifer: Wow, you are one fierce competitor, which is why I love you so much! Michael: Thanks Jennifer. Don’t go full romantic mode on me yet, I need to find some way to get out of this jail uniform I’m in. Jennifer: The great thing about Taylor Swift despite how much we hate her is that she and her entire army can magically change clothes in an instant. Michael: How’d you know that? Jennifer: Each Swiftie is assigned a remote control and tablet that allows them to pick out whichever outfit they want to wear. Although Tony forced me to wear pantsuits, and that’s not my kind of style. Michael: You’re more of a skirt, dress, or jumper girl based on your reputation of being an expert fashionista. Jennifer: Yes I am. Hey, when we get back home, we should go out together on a date. Michael: Sure! This Sunday is Easter by the way, which is perfect for us to go out. Jennifer: #DRESSTOIMPRESS BABY! I just ordered you a suit and a tie to wear for our romantic session. Michael: I’m not as big into dressing up as you are, but hey I must get with the program to please someone like you. Especially since you’ll likely be in a hot pink dress with high heels. Jennifer: I absolutely will be. Not to mention all of my stuff in my downtown apartment has now been shipped to your guys’ headquarters. Michael: Nice! Anyways, we need our familiar attire back! Jennifer: They put the outfits that our whole squad wore for that clash in Baltimore into the system since they didn’t know where to put it. Michael: No one has worn them right? Jennifer: Nope. Michael: Good. Jennifer: Are you ready to change back into our favorite kinds of attire? Michael: Yes I am! It’s time to take it back to the Swifties! Jennifer: EXACTLY! Time to get our Raven themed outfits back on! Michael: Alexa, please play Omar’s Whistle from The Wire. (Omar Whistle……………………) (5-4-3-2-1, begin evolution) “HERE WE ARE DON’T TURN AWAY NOW! WE ARE THE WARRIORS THAT BUILT THIS TOWN! (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) HERE WE ARE DON’T TURN AWAY NOW! (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) WE ARE THE WARRIORS THAT BUILT! THIS!! TOWN!!! (BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!) FROM DUST.” Both: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Michael: It feels so good to be back in Ravens gear again! Jennifer: I know! And I get to wear a dress at last. It’s the same purple one from the last battle plus I’ve got my black high heeled sandals back. Michael: Yup, you look as gorgeous as ever! Jennifer: Aw, thank you! Not to mention you have the purple JT jersey with the black pants again. Michael: Yes I do. No sleeves in all either. We got our swagger back! Jennifer: Most importantly we’re back in love! Michael: You’re damn right for sure. Hey, what are you doing?
Jennifer: Shhhh. (Back Together playing) Hey Michael. Michael: Yes Jennifer. Jennifer: Hm. Both: MWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWA! Michael: That kiss felt so good. Jennifer: I couldn’t wait any longer. I’ve been waiting to kiss your lips for five long weeks. Michael: You just got your wish, and since we’re at it, let’s go for another one. Jennifer: For sure. Michael: We’ve waited too long for this moment. Now the wait is over. Let’s dig in at it again. Jennifer: YES! Both: MWA! MWA! MWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWA! Jennifer: We’re back together, and better than ever. Michael: That’s right. The Swiftie Empire can’t hold our love for each other back anymore. (KNOCK! KNOCK!) Marylander: Open up the door you lovebirds! Jennifer: It’s the Salty Marylander! Michael: Thank goodness! Come on in! (BOOM!) Raven Bros: Whistling (MICHAEL, JENNIFER!) Michael: My boys! Marylander: Good to see you two again. Wait, how were you able to get your outfits from our first battle with them back? Poe: Whistling (Jennifer is sooooooo good looking!) Jennifer: Thanks Poe! Anyways the Swifties have a remote control and tablet system which allows them to magically change clothes. Marylander: I did not know that. So that means, they have our outfits from that day we battled them too. Jennifer: They do. Edgar: Whistling (BOOYA!) Allan: Whistling (LETS GO!) Darkness: Whistling (No more jail uniforms!) Michael: Alright. Gather around the 5 of you. Stand still. Jennifer, do the honors. (5-4-3-2-1, begin evolution) “I wanna run. I want to hide. I wanna tear down the walls, and hold me in size. I wanna reach out. And touch the flame. Where The Streets Have No Name. Ah Ah Ah. I wanna feel. The sunlight on my face. I see the darkest cloud disappear without a trace. I wanna dance. The Purple Rain. Where The Streets Have No Name.” (BOOOOOOOOOOM!) Raven Bros: Whistling (YEAH BABY! WE’RE BACK IN OUR RAVENS GEAR!) Marylander: I’M DECKED OUT IN BALL SO HARD GEAR BABY! Michael: How do you guys feel being back in the lucky combo? Marylander/Raven Bros: GREAT! Jennifer: Hey guys, now that Henchman McCord is dead, he left all of his good weapons behind. Should we occupy each one of them? Michael: WHY NOT! LET’S DO THIS! Jennifer: Michael, you’ll love this. He has a dust bomb that can be set to a timer. Michael: What does that do? Jennifer: You can insert how long you want the dust to spread over an area up to a mile. Plus there’s unlimited dust. Michael: That means even if we don’t end up defeating them tonight, we can use this bomb as a way to get out of the Airship. Jennifer: True that. And we’ll borrow one of their private jets to get us back to Baltimore. Marylander: YEAH BABY!
(Fu-Gu Face Off playing) T-Swift: Hello there Charm City Beasts. Michael: TAYLOR SWIFT! I see you facetimed us via the television screen in Henchman McCord’s room. T-Swift: Yes I did. I heard you guys escaped your cell and got your clothing back. Marylander: Yes we did, and we also killed Henchman McCord as well. T-Swift: I heard, that’s why I made all the guards set up the nightclub for our Friday Night Dance Party instead of our groundskeepers. Michael: Yeah, they probably enjoyed their week off didn’t they? T-Swift: Sure. The reason I called you was to let you guys know that killing my lead henchman was an accidental blessing for the Swiftie Empire. Jennifer: TELL ME WHY THAT IS! T-Swift: You see, Henchman McCord’s right hand man was someone who I found a few weeks ago. He has the ability to do things Tony never did, like use kung fu and karate moves instead of the need for weapons. Which adds another dimension that none of my fellow Swifties can’t possess at this moment. And oh I think your master might know him by the way. Michael: Alright who’s the new guy you brought in? Who’s the mastermind behind this everloving nonsense? Jaden: That would be me. Greetings Hession. Michael: JADEN SMITH! I’ve been waiting to say that name for almost a decade. You’re now in charge of leading the Great Swift Army? Jaden: Yes I am, and Taylor knew that she needed someone who knew you as well as anybody, and that’s how I got on board. Michael: Oh, they must have been hiding you from us until the moment we killed Henchman McCord. Jaden: Yes, it was all part of the plan. Now the Swift Army is heading towards McCord’s old room which is where you are right now. And by the way, your time is about to be up, Hession! (ZOOM!)
Michael: THE LAST THING WE NEEDED WAS MY LONGTIME NEMESIS TO COME INTO THE PICTURE! Jennifer: Michael, why do you hate Jaden Smith? He starred in the modern day Karate Kid movie. His father was the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Michael: Jennifer, you need to understand what I’m about to say. (Rival from MLB 14 the Show playing) My rivalry with Jaden Smith goes way back. Hell this rivalry started long before either of us were born in some ways. Jennifer: Why’s that? Michael: His mentor Jackie Chan was a longtime rival of one of my childhood idols Bruce Lee. Hell Chan ended Lee’s reign of kung fu dominance and soon then started his own legacy. The Jadeniator then became the headmaster of his karate academy when he ultimately retired around 2011. That’s how the rivalry started. Marylander: That I get, but tell me how it got to the point where you hated him and he hated you. Michael: Salty Marylander, for a 3 year period between 2014 to 2016, the two of us were in some heated battles that shook the ground up. Kind of like Ravens vs Steelers in some ways. We went head to head in a karate battle for 10 straight days at the Chan Academy in Palm Springs which ended in a split decision since both of us were beating the tar out of each other and never gave an inch. The next year he and his crew took over a hotel in Milwaukee where I was living at the time, and ended up building a death laser which my middle school best friend and I ultimately dismantled after he took our friends hostage. Hell he even tried marrying off the same girl in Paris only for me and the rest of my squad at the time to deny him at the altar and we then got him arrested for 10 weeks. There were times where I stayed up endless nights scheming on how to prevent him from hurting me or my friends. Even though we haven’t fought each other for 7 years, our hatred for one another runs deep. But here’s the thing, while he now gets to be on the same side as the most powerful woman in the world right now, HE’S NEVER FACED YOU GUYS! WHO ARE SMART AND HAVE THAT NEVER SAY DIE MINDSET! Jennifer: That’s right. That’s why I fell in love with you at first sight. Anyways, now I get the story. With that being said I’m going to fight extra hard for you. Because you’re our leader Michael, as well as my true love. And just like my ex did moments ago, your arch rival Jaden Smith is about to suffer! Michael: There you go Jennifer! Where was I, oh right, the Swift Army is coming for us. Poe: Whistling (We gotta get the weapons out) Allan: Whistling (And we all have at least one magnet to use in case they take our guns) Michael: Alright, you ready? Cast: YEAH! Michael: LET’S GET THIS SHOW STARTED!
Swifties: WILDEST DREAMS UH HUH! (BOOOOOOOM!) (Macarena Bayside Boys Remix playing) Swiftie 1: Oh I thought we captured all you choke artists. Michael: You got it backwards your majesty. Swiftie 2: That guy is such a naughty boy! Jennifer: You lay off my lover. Michael: Way to talk some sense into them Jennifer. IT’S TIME TO HUNT! GET EM! (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) Jennifer: YOU ARE NOT KEEPING US INSIDE THE SHIP ANY LONGER! YA! Michael: Thanks for saving that big blaster from being in harm’s way Jennifer. Allan: Whistling (Paintball Time!) (BOOOM!) Swiftie 1: MY HAIR! Jennifer: You better worry about my boyfriend. A boy whose name is Michael. Don’t mess with him, if you do. You’re gonna face your eventual doom! Michael: MASTER OF DISASTER MY CLAIM TO FAME! NEVER SAY DIE MINDSET IS MY GAME! I KNOW WHAT TO DO, I KNOW THE WAY TO THRIVE! I AIN’T NO JIVE, THAT’S HOW I RIDE! Marylander: YOU TELL EM! (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) Swiftie 2/4: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Swiftie 3: Aw, that little bird looks adorable! Darkness: Whistling (THANKS BUT YOU’RE DONE!) (BOOM!) Michael: Edgar. Edgar: Whistling (Yes boss) Michael: Search for the nightclub on the radar. Edgar: Whistling (Sure) Michael: Poe. Poe: Whistling (Buddy) Michael: Follow Edgar to the club! We’ll meet you there. Poe: Whistling (Sure thing buddy) (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) Jennifer: They’re gone. For now. Marylander: Now how are we going to get into the nightclub without them finding us? (Blow by Kesha playing) Jennifer: Here’s how. It’s 6:45 right now, the party starts at 7:00 which is like 15 minutes away. The doors close by 7:10, but they aren’t laser proof. Michael: You must have taken a great amount of notes from being around that dreaded McCord guy on a daily basis for 5 weeks I see. Jennifer: Yes. So I have an inside analysis on how to ruin their party. Plus the Easter Bunny is making an appearance too. Michael: A mascot matchup? Now that’s spicy. Even if the Bunny has the whole crowd rooting for him, Edgar and Poe are no strangers to clashes like this. (BOOM!) Nevermind, the burly birds just shot him down according to my radar! Jennifer: Great job boys! Michael: Edgar, Poe are you there? Edgar: Whistling (We are now) Michael: I see you took down the Easter Bunny. Poe: Whistling (We saw that he was waiting inside the Green Room since they planned on giving him an electric introduction measure, and now that’s not happening.) Michael: Did you use the Paintball Gun or the darts. Edgar: Whistling (Darts) Marylander: Looks like he didn’t see that one coming. Poe: Whistling (Sounds about right) Edgar: Whistling (Guys hurry up before their spy camera sees us) Michael: You’re right, lets go!
T-Swift: HOW’S EVERYONE DOING TONIGHT! Swifties: GOOOOOOD! T-Swift: Thank you all for coming to this Easter Edition of the Friday Night Dance Party, and to kick things off please welcome none other than the Easter Bunny himself. COME ON DOWN! Swifties: YEAAAAAAAAAAAH! Swiftie 5: Where’s the Easter Bunny? Swiftie News Anchor: He was waiting in the Green Room the last time I checked. T-Swift: Can you go in there now? Swiftie News Anchor: Sure. T-Swift: Don’t worry you all, we’re still going to have a blast tonight! Swifties: YEAAAAAAAAAAAH! Swiftie News Anchor: The Easter Bunny is laying on the ground inside the Green Room, and he’s not breathing either. Whole Room: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT! Chief Swiftie: So the guy in the Easter Bunny costume is dead. CRUD! Swiftie News Anchor: It appears so. T-Swift: Oh good lord, there’s only one conclusion as to who killed the Easter Bunny. IT HAS TO BE… (BOOOOOOOM!) Michael: NO ONE MOURNS THE WICKED! Jennifer: NO ONE CRIES THEY WON’T RETURN! Marylander/Raven Bros: NO ONE LAYS A LILLY ON THEIR FRAME! Michael: THE ONE THAT SCORNS THE WICKED! Jennifer: THROUGH THE LIVES OUR CHILDREN HEARD! Marylander/Raven Bros: WHAT WE MISS! WHEN WE KISS THE END! T-Swift: I KNEW IT! THOSE ROTTEN CHARM CITY BEASTS! WON’T YOU GIVE UP ALREADY! Michael: I’ve never heard the term giving up, and that’s not part of my DNA! T-Swift: It makes sense since you and your crew have fought through every obstacle we’ve thrown at you this evening. (Lord Fredrik theme playing) Jennifer: While that may be true, this next thing about you is! T-Swift: What’s that Shoemaker? Michael: Jennifer please, let me answer that…… YOU’RE A FRAUD TAY-TAY! A TREND CHASER! JADEN SMITH WASN’T THE ONLY ENEMY OF OURS YOU EVER CAUGHT WASN’T HE! T-Swift: Yes, and that’s not going to change who I am, and how powerful my army is. Michael: You used him and Henchman McCord as a way to try to make both me and my girlfriend jealous. Had McCord not been killed by us, you probably would have forced her to marry him, which she easily would have said no to. T-Swift: Then I would have used one of my spells instead which would have meant she’d have no choice but to say I do at the podium. Michael: Nevertheless, you may have the Lombardi Trophy inside your mansion on the 5-7th Floors, but tonight, YOU’RE NOT STOPPING US FROM GETTING OUT OF HERE! T-Swift: OH YES I AM! Michael: Salty Marylander, do the honors. Marylander: Yes master! (WHOOOOSH!) “Timer set for 24 hours of dust.” Michael: RUN! Swifties: AAAAAAAAAA! Michael: Allan, use the ice gun to trap them inside the nightclub! Allan: Whistling (Gotcha!) (BOOM!) Chief Swiftie: OH GREAT NOW WE’RE STUCK IN HERE FOR THE NEXT DAY FOR GOODNESS SAKE! “10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, dust bomb activated.” (BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!)
Jennifer: Follow me, I know where the private jets are. Michael: Are you sure? Jennifer: Yes, McCord gave me a tour not too long after he kidnapped me. Michael: One of the nicer things he did it seems like. Luckily with there being ice inside the nightclub, the dust won’t get to us. Poe: Whistling (Sweet) Marylander: Which way are the jets, it says air transportation on both sides of the door? Jennifer: We’re taking a left. Marylander: Alright then. Edgar: Whistling (Oooh, they really did a good job designing that jet) Michael: It sure looks like it. Does anyone here know how to use a private jet? Marylander: I do. Michael: Yes, that means you’re driving it. Marylander: Well one of my friends from college was a pilot and he taught me how to use a plane, but not like this. Michael: Don’t worry, you got this. We’re about to go home. Marylander: That’s right, how could I not be nervous. WE’RE ABOUT TO ESCAPE FROM THE SWIFTIE EMPIRE! Cast: YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Marylander: Let’s see how this bad boy works. (ENGINE RUMBLING) (WHOOOOSH!) (Got Me Like playing) Marylander: Your attention please, we’re out of the Airship and on our way towards BWI Airport, we are right now hovering over Madrid, Spain which is where the next concert on the ERAS Tour will take place tomorrow night. Should be there in like 12 hours or so. Anyways let the party begin! Michael/Jennifer: IT’S A LONG FLIGHT ON THIS BATTLE STAR WHERE WE FIGHT FOR LOVE NO MATTER WHERE WE ARE! OOOOH! OOOOOOOOOOH! OH! AND THERE’S A BIG TRUZZ IN THIS UNIVERSE AND IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I GO TO WORK! OOOOH! OOOOOOOOOOH! OH! YOU GOT ME LIKE! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! YOU GOT ME LIKE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! YOU GOT ME LIKE AH! AND OOO! WITH ALL THE THINGS YOU DO! YEAH ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING LOVERS CAN FEEL! BUT HONEY I’M BETTER WITH YOU!
(March 30, 2024. Charm City Beasts Headquarters)
Michael: Well we’re finally home after flying for 12 hours, and waiting at the airport for eight while our car was getting fixed. Not to mention Jennifer’s Mini Cooper is also in our garage. Jennifer: You like it huh? Michael: Yes I do my love. Marylander: I know it feels so good to be back on Baltimore soil. Michael: By the way guys, this is Jennifer’s first time ever being inside our headquarters. So I’ll give her a tour of the house while you all can relax. Edgar: Whistling (Thank you master!) Michael: You’re welcome. Now we won’t discuss the offseason moves until our internet is fully updated, so why don’t you guys go play some ping pong. Darkness: Whistling (I love me some ping pong) Michael: You ready to go look around? Jennifer: Yes, and before we do. I know I’ve told you this, but thanks for rescuing me from the wrath of the Swifties. MWA! Michael: Oh you’re very welcome. I see you just gave me some mistletoe right to the cheek. Jennifer: I couldn’t help it because I’ve been falling for you since the moment I first laid my eyes on you. Michael: Hmmm.
Well Jennifer, looks like you have your own room like myself and the Salty Marylander. Jennifer: What about the Raven Brothers? Michael: They always sleep in the basement since we built a nest there for them last year. Jennifer: Oh I see. OH MY GOSH! IT LOOKS AMAZING! Michael: You have two large closets full of fashionable clothing, and a queen size bed plus your own bathroom. Jennifer: THANK YOU SO MUCH! Michael: I can’t help it. (KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!) Someone is at the door, why don’t you come with me. Jennifer: Ok then. Do you mind if I put on a blazer over my dress? Michael: You better hurry because this is trouble in the making. Jennifer: There. How do I look? Michael: You look good as usual. Jennifer: Thanks. Michael: Anyways, guys come here, someone is at the front door and is endlessly knocking on it. Marylander: Who could it be? PLEASE DON’T TELL ME IT’S SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO ROB OUR HOUSE! Michael: I hope it isn’t, I really don’t want to get in another confrontation. (BOOM!) (Shotgun Kiss playing) Jaden: We meet again Charm City Beasts and Mr. Hession! Michael: JADEN SMITH! YOU WERE LITERALLY FOLLOWING US FROM THE AIRSHIP ALL THE WAY BACK TO OUR HEADQUARTERS THIS WHOLE TIME! Jaden: I saw that you trapped Taylor Swift and her entire army thanks to that dust bomb you set off last night. Luckily I wasn’t consumed by the bomb since I wasn’t in the nightclub. And while they are still in Madrid, I have arrived in Baltimore to try and capture you all once again! Jennifer: Do you have help or are you here by yourself? Jaden: I came alone, because I wanted to prove why my rivalry with your master has been renewed and that I’m now the top dog! Michael: I ended your hopes and dreams for 3 years of your prime Jaden, and I’m not afraid to end your great comeback. Jaden: Well then, there’s only one way that this debate needs to be settled. Michael/Jaden: A 1 ON 1 BATTLE! Jaden: If you win, you’re free to go and do whatever you please. But if I win, you will all be sentenced back to the jail cells inside the airship of the Swiftie Empire. Deal? Michael: DEAL! Marylander: Michael, what are you doing? You can’t do this by yourself! Michael: Yes I can Salty Marylander. I’ve waited seven long years to go 1 on 1 against my greatest rival. Marylander: Well, you started the Charm City Beasts. Poe: Whistling (You were the one who brought us all together) Edgar: Whistling (We would not be the team we are without you) Allan: Whistling (You are the heart and soul of this whole thing) Darkness: Whistling (You inspire us to be the best that we can be) Jennifer: I love you more than any man out there. Michael: Guys, that was really uplifting. Group hug.
Jaden: Come out, come out wherever you are Hession! Don’t leave me hanging out here in the pouring rain. Michael: DON’T YOU DARE SAY THAT! (BOOOOOOOM!) (You’re the One playing) LET’S DO THIS! (FIGHT!) “There’s hope. You’ll see.” Jaden: THE POWER SWEEP! EEYA! (WHOOSH!) UGH! Michael: Nice try, but that move isn’t going to work tonight! YAAAAAW! CRANE KICK! CRANE KICK! KA! KA! KA! Marylander: YOU GOT THIS BOSS! Jaden: THE THREE FINGER SMASH! YA! Michael: Uh, uh that hurt! But that’s not going to hold me back! Jaden: I knew you’d say that. “Nothing can stand in your way. You’re the One!” Michael: UH! KA! HIGH YA! Both: RAAAAAAAAA! “You’re the one who fills the night with light in song.” Jaden: Woah, just what I expected. Michael: You can say that 10 times over. But this thing has only just begun! “You’re the one who fills the night with light in song.” Michael: What trick do you have up your sleeve Jadeniator? Jaden: Well Hession, it’s something you probably have used before. Michael: Is it really? Jaden: Yes, and I found it inside the weapon storage in the airship. Michael: ENOUGH TALKING SHOW ME WHAT IT IS! Poe: Whistling (This can’t be good) “What is around the rivers of life? Wash away what’s wrong to make it right. The sun is rising for a better day. Nothing can stand in your way.” (WHOOOOOSH!) Michael: OH! YOU HAVE THE GOLD SCAR!? Jaden: YOU BETCHA! NOW WATCH ME DESTROY YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS! (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) Michael: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Jennifer: MICHAEL! CATCH! “You’re the One! You’re the One!” Michael: GOT IT! Jaden: WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN YOUR HANDS! Michael: YOUR POWERFUL GOLD SCAR IS NO MATCH FOR MY SUPER SONIC LASER BLASTER! (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) Jaden: There’s only one way this has to be settled. Michael: Especially since we both have deadly weapons to choose from. Both: A MULTIGUN SHOOTOFF! Edgar/Allan: Whistling (Come on!) (BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!) Michael: DOUBLE THE SPEED! (BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!) Jaden: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (DING!) “You’re the One!” Michael: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (Flares and Bottle Rockets getting shot off) Others: LETS GOOOOOOOOO! Marylander: You did it! While the war may not be over, we can finally live a normal life again. Michael: We sure can Salty Marylander. Darkness: Whistling (You were amazing out there) Michael: Thanks Darkness! Also thank you for cheering me on. Poe: Whistling (You’re welcome. Hey, tomorrow is Easter. And you know what that means?) Edgar: Whistling (EGG HUNT!) Michael: That’s great that you guys are all going, but I’m thinking of staying behind. Marylander: Why don’t you come with us, it’ll be super fun. Michael: I can’t. Jennifer and I are going out on our first date tomorrow afternoon while you are all in DC. Marylander/Raven Bros: AW! Poe: Whistling (Where are you two lovebirds going?) Jennifer: Fogo de Chão. It’s downtown right near the Inner Harbor. Allan: Whistling (Sounds like a truly romantic setting) (Game of Love playing)
(March 31, 2024. Fogo de Chão)
Michael: When you look at what we’ve overcome over the last two months. The most perilous battle our city has seen since the War of 1812. Getting captured by Taylor Swift, and her insufferable army. Having to be inside a jail cell for such a long time. Our getaway plan being shot down before it even started. You literally had to do everything Henchman McCord told you to do. And the renewal of my rivalry with Jaden Smith. The fact that we’re sitting across from each other on our first date, all dressed up in a suit and tie on one side and a long dress on the other side proves that it doesn’t matter if we’ve gotten knocked down, it matters that we get back up. If we didn’t make sacrifices to chase that Scar hidden in the Babe Ruth Museum, our lives wouldn’t be the same. But that was the best thing that could have happened to us. Since then we’ve fallen in love, and I expect more great things to come for the two of us and the rest of our team in the coming years. (She also had an ink tattoo on her left arm that said Jennifer + Michael = Lovers) Jennifer: Michael, that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. Both: MWA! Waitress: Is there anything else I could do for you? Jennifer: Can you excuse us for just a minute? Michael: Where are you taking me? Jennifer: To the front of the Inner Harbor. Michael: We have to pay first. Jennifer: We’ll take care of that later, JUST COME WITH ME! Jennifer: THIS IS THE BEST FIRST DATE EVER! Michael: I know. Nothing can ruin this moment for us. Jennifer: I’ll never let anything get in the way of our love. Michael: Let me guess this is where we will find our happily ever after moment. Jennifer: Yes it is. MICHAEL! Michael: JENNIFER! Jennifer: Hmmm. C’mere you handsome prince. (Both: MWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWA!) “A little bit of this, a little bit of that. It started with a kiss, now we’re up to bat. A little bit of laughs, a little bit of it. You’re telling me my bae, it’s all in the Game of Love! A little bit of this, (it’s all in the Game of Love!) a little bit of that. (it’s all in the Game of Love! it’s all in the Game of Love!) A little bit of laughs, a little bit of it. (it’s in the Game of Love!)” (Flares and Bottle Rockets getting shot off)
THE END!
#BALTIMORESTRONG
Bragging Rights Sports 