(Omar Whistle/Battle Royale playing)
“TAYLOR SWIFT HAS BEEN THE BIGGEST STORY IN THE NFL THIS SEASON!”
“HER ROMANCE WITH TRAVIS KELCE IS SECOND TO NONE!”
“SHE HAS AN EFFECT THAT CAN SPREAD LIKE A WILDFIRE!”
BRAGGING RIGHTS SPORTS PRESENTS:
A MARYLAND CULTURE PRODUCTION:
CHARM CITY BEASTS
THE UNRIVALED THEMED STORY OF THE BALTIMORE RAVENS
THE ERAS TOUR IS AT STAKE!
THE FIGHT WE’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!
HAS FINALLY COME TO OUR CITY!
RIGHT HERE! RIGHT NOW!
LAMAR JACKSON, MARK ANDREWS, ODELL BECKHAM JR, ROQUAN SMITH, ZAY FLOWERS, MARLON HUMPHREY, JUSTIN MADUBUIKE, PATRICK QUEEN, KYLE HAMILTON, JUSTIN TUCKER, ERIC DECOSTA, OZZIE NEWSOME, TODD MONKEN, MIKE MACDONALD, SASHI BROWN, STEVE BISCIOTTI, THE RAVEN BROTHERS, THE SALTY MARYLANDER/NARRATOR MICHAEL HESSION, WITH THE GREAT SWIFT ARMY, AND A PRETTY GIRL.
CHARM CITY BEASTS VS THE SWIFTIE EMPIRE: THE BATTLE OF BALTIMORE REINCARNATED!
“AND THIS PLACE IS ON FIRE!!!”
(The Friday Before the Game, Charm City Beasts Headquarters)
Allan: Whistling (FLOCK NATION! “Everybody!” BIG TRUZZ! “Everybody!” CHARM CITY! “Everybody!” LETS! GO! RAVENS! FLOCK NATION! “Everybody!” BIG TRUZZ! “Everybody!” CHARM CITY! “Everybody” THIS! IS! OUR! YEAR!) Marylander: STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING IMMEDIATELY! OUR CITY IS BEING SWARMED BY THE SWIFTIES! Edgar: Whistling (What’s that?) Marylander: THE SWIFTIES ARE RUNNING AROUND TOWN SCREAMING ABOUT THE ERAS TOUR COMING TO BALTIMORE! Narrator: Alright, let’s go check this out. Bring your guns with you Raven Brothers. Water and Fire. Poe: Whistling (What about the Ice Guns!) Narrator: Poe it’s like 70 degrees but I guess it works. Poe: Whistling (Let’s do it!) Narrator: Since we’re all rocking our Blackout gear, they’ll know it’s us as soon as they look us in the eyes. Salty Marylander, START THE CAR AND LET’S ROCK!
(Downtown Baltimore)
Swifties: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I CAN’T BELIEVE TAY TAY IS COMING TO BALTIMORE THIS WEEKEND! Marylander: HOLD IT RIGHT THERE! Narrator: Since your idol is new to town, we’re going to make this simple. Poe: Whistling (Stop now!) Marylander: Yeah, the diehard Ravens fans aren’t going to like you putting Eras Tour advertisements on every building in town and running around town in a large crowd. Narrator: Put your hands in their air and. Swifties: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Edgar: Whistling (And they’ve begun their stampede around town again.) Allan: Whistling (Lets attack em) Narrator: You’re right. LET’S DO THIS! (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) Man that Ice Gun did some major damage didn’t it? Poe: Whistling (My goodness) Marylander: Don’t think we’re done yet. Darkness: Whistling (Why’s that?) Marylander: THERE ARE HUNDREDS OF SWIFTIES ALL OVER THE FREAKING TOWN! City Hall, the Eastside, the Westside, Fort McHenry, the Stadium Area, and the Inner Harbor to be exact. Narrator: Then we’re going to have to split up. Edgar, you cover City Hall and the Cathedral. Allan, you take care of the Inner Harbor, I’ll cover the Camden Yards complex, Darkness, you focus on Fort McHenry. Poe, you’ll locate the Eastside, and Salty Marylander are you okay going to the Westside? Marylander: YES! Narrator: Just what I want to hear. Marylander: LET’S MOVE MOVE MOVE! Swifties (At City Hall): Oooh lover, it’s a Cruel Summer! (BOOOOOOOM!) “Edgar! (EVERYBODY!) Allan! (EVERYBODY!) Darkness! (EVERYBODY!) CHARM CITY BEASTS! Salty Marylander! (EVERYBODY!) Poe! (EVERYBODY!) The Boss! (EVERYBODY!)” Narrator: FIRE THE GUNS! (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) Marylander: Don’t you dare try to kiss me! UUUUUH! Edgar: Whistling (Drop it like it’s hot) (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) Swiftie 1: MY DRESS! Narrator: THEY STARTED THIS NONSENSE! AND NOW THEY’RE GONNA PAY FOR IT! YA! Poe: Whistling (Roger that buddy!) (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) Swiftie 2: I’M FREEZING! Swiftie 3: Where should I put this poster? Allan: Whistling (NOW YOU DON’T!) (SPLASH!) Swiftie 3: MY MAKEUP! Narrator: How about Allan using the Submarine from the Harbor? Where was I, HEY! DARKNESS! Darkness: Whistling (Yes Boss.) Narrator: FIRE THE CANNONS! Darkness: Whistling (Sure thing) (BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!) Narrator: Yeah it looks like their cruise ship took a serious blow which means they’re stuck here. Enough talking, I GOTTA DO MY PART NOW! UUUUUH! HIGH YA! COME DANCE WITH ME! Swiftie 4: I’d love to dance with you! (BOOM!) Narrator: Not this time. UH! Police Chief: What’s going on here? Narrator: Well sir, the Swifties are trying to take over the city before Sunday’s AFC Championship, and we’re making sure they don’t get anywhere near M&T Bank Stadium. Police Chief: Well it looks like you and your crew are doing a good job in this task. Those Swifties love the attention. Narrator: Thanks Chief. Hold on a second, WAY TO HUNT EM DOWN EDGAR! Police Chief: So it looks like you’re working with the Ravens Mascots and you have a video walkie talkie. Narrator: Yeah, but this isn’t the first time we’ve tried saving the city this year. Police Chief: Oh I forgot about the Blackout where you hunted down the Captain of the Bengals fanclub. Don’t worry he is still whining in his cellar along with his daughter and her boyfriend. Narrator: Good to see. Marylander: All clear. Narrator: Well it looks like our job is done. Swiftie #5: I wouldn’t say that just yet. Narrator: And why’s that. Swiftie #5: Our master has yet to come to town, and you haven’t seen our real army either. Marylander: OH IT IS ON LIKE DONKEY KONG! Narrator: Alright if you give us some time, we’ll give you some time. See you then. Swiftie #5: Same. PAUSE.
(Charm City Beasts Headquarters)
(Enemy playing) Narrator: Alright let’s get to the news. Following their domination of the Texans in the Divisional Round, the Boys in Purple are one step away from reaching their 1st Super Bowl since 2012. It may have looked ugly in the 1st Half but hey a win is a win. John Harbaugh stated that we’re not even close to being finished. Yeah you can gloat about their post game celebrations but still this is a team that’s been super locked in for months. General Monken and Mike Man were both asked about how their units match up against Andy Reid and Steve Spagnuolo, and they each made similar comments. The common answer was it’s a chess match and you have to be alert for the amount of in-play audibles they make because they can throw you off guard. Well they aren’t alone since another key cog in the Raven Machine must prepare for these types of adjustments too. Coming off his best performance of his young playoff career in which he counted for 4 TDs, Planet LJ knows the prize is in sight. He states that we’re not going to gloat about one game, especially with a certain opponent coming to town for the AFC Championship. (Although with him saying that he doesn’t like playing Mahomes, I’d be careful about putting that out there) Speaking of which, it’ll be the first time since 1970 that this game would be played in Baltimore. In that game the Johnny Unitas led Colts faced the John Madden Raiders in what NFL Films called the old guard of the NFL facing the old guard of the AFL in what was called “The Duel in the Dust” (Memorial Stadium was a true home field advantage based on the playing conditions alone) The Colts won thanks to a late TD pass from Unitas to #3 WR Ray Perkins which put the game on ice. (“Sunday started with God, and it ended with God.” -Gerry Sandusky) In some fans’ eyes, mine included this will be the biggest sporting event in Baltimore since 2131. (The O’s three ALCS appearances pail in comparison to 2130 and 2131) Not only in terms of stakes but in terms of emotions. Most of the Ravens Flock and really Baltimore sports fans in general weren’t born in time to see a game in Charm City this big. Well they are getting their dream come true. (I was born 7 years after 2131, but I soon learned the true meaning of that game from my grandfather because he was there that night) Raven Brothers, your thoughts. Poe: Whistling (I’m so excited) Edgar: Whistling (Time to flex on KC) Allan: Whistling (Oh I can’t wait to hype up the fans) Darkness: Whistling (Lets get it) Narrator: That’s great to hear.
Speaking of which, let’s get into our Skit of the Week! Marylander: This week’s skit is similar to what you see inside M&T on gameday. Narrator: Oh are we playing Super Raven Bros? Marylander: YES WE ARE! And even better, I was able to convince the graphics crew to put Edgar and Allan in the game. Narrator: So the Raven Brothers will be playing as themselves. Marylander: Yes, and instead of the KC Wolf being the boss, we’ve got a surprise for you. Narrator: Boy I can’t wait. Where was I, oh right the rules. If you attend games at M&T Bank Stadium you will notice that whoever collects the most footballs which represent the coins wins. (In the stadium each character represents either the 100, 200, or 500 levels) And in this case, you get extra multipliers for hitting the boss. And with this being perhaps the final skit of the season, it’s worth 5 points, so whoever wins this wins the Skit Championship of the 2023 Season. Poe and Allan are tied with Edgar being 2 points behind which is why whoever wins gets 5 points. Are you boys ready? Raven Bros: Whistling (YES SIR!) Narrator: Cue the music Darkness! Darkness: Whistling (Gotcha) Narrator: READY? GO! (Mario theme playing) Narrator: As mentioned whoever gets the most coins/footballs wins and this is worth 5 points. Right now Poe is in the lead, but Edgar is right there. Ooh, and Allan just got a powerup and it’s a fire flower. And now he is in front. Marylander: Just what I expected, how about you. Narrator: Same. This is as closely matched as I thought it would be. It’s fitting that we must play an in-stadium game to decide the Skit Title. Now they go down the pipe and now they’re underground as Poe has just taken back the lead. And Allan has lost the powerup. Now Edgar has the raccoon powerup which means he can fly. Marylander: NEVERMIND HE LOST IT! Narrator: So all three birds got hit hard inside the underground setting, and now they must enter the falling platform stage. (By the way Allan is still in front but Poe and Edgar are each 3 coins back) Marylander: And the boss will appear once they clear the platforms. Narrator: Alright, up those platforms they go, if you fall off you lose 10 coins. But it looks like everyone has stayed up, and oh my goodness, it’s a 3 way tie at 111 coins going into the boss. Marylander: REVEAL THE BOSS! Narrator: Oh it’s a cartoon Taylor Swift, and she is using music notes as her own form of fireballs! Marylander: STEP ON HER! COME ON BOYS (BOING! BOING! BOING!) POE GOT ALL 3 KILLS AND HAS WON THE SKIT CHAMPIONSHIPS OF 2023! Poe: Whistling (LETS GET IT!) Narrator: One year removed from a torn drumstick, and he does that. But don’t you worry Edgar and Allan, we still got the fight of our lives with the Great Swift Army on our heels. Edgar/Allan: Whistling (Sounds good boss!) Marylander: Hey Poe. Poe: Whistling (Yes buddy) Marylander: We got big fish to fry so cool your emotions. Poe: Whistling (I’ll try my best) PAUSE.
(Where The Streets Have No Name playing) In this, the AFC Championship Game, the Boys in Purple face the team that they have been trying to copy both on and off the field in terms of success and celebrity relationships. The Kansas City Chiefs. A team that looked like they were limping into the playoffs, has all of a sudden regained their old form. No not in terms of Patrick Mahomes and Travis Kelce, those two are still potent even if the rest of the offense is inconsistent. It’s the defense. Led by a dominant secondary, Chris Jones being a wrecking machine, and Steve Spagnuolo slowly morphing into the next Dick Lebeau, the Chiefs have made it to their 6th straight Conference Championship Game. Even if this will be the first AFC Title Game played outside of Arrowhead since 2017, don’t overlook how battle tested KC is. They went into Buffalo and ripped the hopes and dreams out of every Bills fan possible. Wide Right II would be their death blow. (Plus not scoring a single point in the 2nd Half despite a 10 point lead at the half) This game will be even tougher on paper. Not only do the Chiefs have to come to The World’s Largest Outdoor Insane Asylum, but they have to witness the entire Baltimore Sports Alumni in attendance and the largest crowd in M&T Bank Stadium History rooting against them. (It would have been even more spicy if Ari, Kim K and Dua showed up, but they must be waiting until Vegas to come) But there is good news for Chiefs Kingdom. No not Joe Thuney he’s out with a pec injury. But in terms of the officiating crew. Shawn Smith has favored the road team in 70% of games that he’s officiated. (Sounds like the NFL doesn’t want B-More to win) Did I mention the Ravens average 11 penalties a game with his crew despite having an unbeaten record since 2017? There’s that too. PAUSE.
Sidenote: Normally we would do a recap of the game based off of my narration but since this is a special feature that feels very much like a movie, we’re going to have a highlight reel of the 2023 AFC Championship at M&T Bank Stadium between the Ravens and Chiefs while we act out the battle between the main cast and the Great Swift Army. We did this for the Blackout so don’t be fooled by this. We need more drama than there already is. Not to mention the Narrator is going to run into a beautiful girl who’s looking for love. And no I don’t actually know this girl in real life, this is just part of the story. Enough talk, let’s get to the battle! (An action packed Rom-Com. MY OH MY!) PAUSE.
(The Day of the Game, The Swift Airship)
(Endgame playing) T-Swift: My fellow Swifties. Last week we conquered BillsMafia, and now we’re on the verge of heading to Las Vegas for Super Bowl LVIII! (5+8 = Her lucky number, YUCK!) Swifties: YEAAAAAAAAAAAH! T-Swift: All we need now is to conquer Baltimore, which like Buffalo we’ve never been to, but WE’RE ABOUT TO PUT ON A SHOW FOR THEM! Swifties: YEAAAAAAAAAAAH! T-Swift: But from what I heard from our message sender on Friday is that there is a group of people that are trying to stop our every move. Chief Swifite: Who are they? T-Swift: Its two young men plus 4 birds and the birds look muscular, mighty, and they have some serious weapons. They’re called the Charm City Beasts. Swifties: WOOOOOOOOOAH! T-Swift: DON’T BE IN AWE OF THEM! WE WILL CAPTURE THEM AND THEN HEAD TO VEGAS FOR THE BIG GAME! Swifties: YEAAAAAAAAAAAH! Chief Swiftie: How do you want to do this? T-Swift: I’d say land our ship on Fort McHenry, we’ll put The Magnet of Doom out on the Harbor, and in the Babe Ruth Museum we hid a special gun in there to throw them off their game plan plus we have one of our henchmen guarding it. (But they don’t have anyone protecting it now because the girl you’re about to see hunted that Swiftie guard down) Chief Swiftie: But how do you want to plan this raid? T-Swift: Just completely overhaul the Downtown area with hundreds of Swifties, with their bows and arrows of fire that’ll do the trick. PAUSE.
(Charm City Beasts Headquarters)
Narrator: Man it’s finally time, I’ve been waiting for this day for a long time. How about you, Salty Marylander? Marylander: Same, I want to go to Vegas so bad. Narrator: I hear you. Hey, can someone turn on the news? What’s the weather looking like today? Darkness: Whistling (Sure thing) WBAL News Reporter (Outside M&T): The weather for this afternoon’s AFC Championship Game should be around 46 degrees with a slight chance of rain throughout. After the game the low tonight should be around 37 degrees with late night showers expected to roll in close to midnight. (Chiefs take the field) Random Spectator: THE SWIFTIES! THE SWIFTIES!! THE SWIFTIES ARE ATTACKING!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!! AAAAAAAAAAAH! (Savin’ the Day from Ghostbusters playing) Narrator: Guys that’s our cue. The Swifties have arrived in town once again, and now we gotta stop them once and for all. Marylander: I think we can, but looking at what we’re seeing on the news, they look jacked up more than they were the other day. But who cares LETS STOP THEM! Narrator: I hear you. Edgar, start the car, let’s begin heading downtown. Poe: Whistling (What about guns?) Marylander: Bring all of the guns! Fire, Paintball, Water, Ice, Everything! Our mission is to stop them in their tracks and head to Vegas for the Super Bowl! You hear me? Cast: LETS GO! Narrator: Hold on tight, HERE WE GOOOOOOOO! (VROOOOOOOOOOOM! VROOM! VROOM!) “Ladies and Gentlemen. HERE! COME! THE RAVENS!!!” (Flares going skyward)
(City Hall)
Narrator: You guys ready for the fight of our lives! Cast: YEAH! Allan: Whistling (Hey guys, I just got an alert saying that there is a Gold Scar just like in Fortnite in the Babe Ruth Museum) Narrator: Oh boy, we could use one of those! Especially to shoot down their flying cruise ship. Here’s the plan, Edgar, Poe, and Darkness, you guys go with the Salty Marylander and hunt down the oncoming Swifties near the Camden Yards Complex. Allan, come with me. Marylander: Sounds good, We got the big guns ready to go! (POP! POP! POP!) “Drifting right, throwing, what a catch! That was Kelce pulling it down for the 1st Down on a 4th and 2.” Edgar: Whistling (I didn’t know they had bows and arrows) Marylander: They definitely came better prepared than they did Friday. Now it’s up to us to respond. “Here’s Kansas City from the 19, throwing at the goal line! And it’s caught by Kelce! For the Touchdown!” (POP!) Darkness: Whistling (OUCH! That one hurt) Poe: Whistling (Are you good Darkness) Darkness: Whistling (Yeah those arrows are sharp) Marylander: NOW THEY’RE GETTING IT! Swifties (At City Hall): My ex man bought his new girlfriend, she’s like OH MY GOD! (BOOOOOOOM!) “Jackson is going to keep it, he finds a seam. And there he goes! He’s got Sneed trying to bring it to a halt.” Marylander: Which guns do you want? Poe: Whistling (Fire) Marylander: FIRE IT IS! (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) “From the pocket, gets away from Chenal, who’s trying to after him for a 2nd time, but the ball is (BOOOOOOOOOOM!) THROWN TO THE END ZONE! AND IT’S CAUGHT! FLOWERS! WITH THE TOUCHDOWN!” Edgar: Whistling (We just took down a whole section of Swifties) Marylander: YOU BETCHA! MY GOSH DID THEY JUST GET FREAKING SLAUGHTERED! Now let’s head towards the Boss and Allan! (POP!) Wait nevermind! Poe: Whistling (There’s still more coming at us) Marylander: KEEP FIRING! “Mahomes backpedals to the 37. He’s got time. All kinds of time. Now escapes, fires it at the last second, and Kelce Caught It!” Darkness: Whistling (Their Chevy Silverado can’t be fireproof!) Marylander: Well Darkness it can be in this case. Change of guns. ICE ICE BABY! (BOOM! BOOM!) “Pacheco, Pacheco, drives across for the Chiefs Touchdown!” Well that didn’t work because they now have fire arrows. We’re going to need some help. Where’s the Boss and Allan anyways? PAUSE.
(Babe Ruth Museum)
Narrator: We’ve been looking all over the building and we can’t find it! Allan: Whistling (I don’t know what to tell you) Narrator: Although we haven’t looked downstairs, wait, that’s it. WE GOTTA GO TO THE STORAGE! Allan: Whistling (Sounds like a plan) Narrator: Follow me Allan! PAUSE
(City Hall)
“Lamar got hit from behind and the ball is stripped.” Marylander: So their Chevy is not only fire proof but it has a magnet attached to it? I did not know that. Well the Ice guns are gone. Edgar: Whistling (BUT WE STILL GOT THE FIRE ONES!) Marylander: That’s right Edgar, as long as we still have that and the others find that Scar we’re in good hands. Now FIRE EM! (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) “Pacheco I don’t think he got there.” Poe: Whistling (Now they must drive without any windows to protect them) Marylander: Roger that Poe. PAUSE.
(Babe Ruth Museum)
Narrator: Careful, those stairs are very slippery Allan, don’t you fall down, WOOAH! Oh no, not the Paintball Gun we need that! “Ball batted up into the air, and CAUGHT! BY JACKSON! He caught his own pass!” Oh thank god! Allan: Whistling (I fell down the stairs and somehow caught the gun without it breaking) Narrator: I just hope you’re ok Allan. Allan: Whistling (I’m fine Boss, my drumsticks are in good shape) Narrator: Good, now we just need to find that Scar. Allan: Whistling (It’s gotta be down here somewhere) Narrator: Oh I think I found it. There’s a door right in front of us. I’m going to go in there to see if the Scar is in sight, Allan you stay here and pretend that you’re a guard blocking the room. Allan: (Ok) Narrator: And just in case if there’s a Swiftie in the room, then you come in with the Paintball Gun, ok. Allan: Whistling (Sounds good) Narrator: Time to go find that weapon that can hunt them all down. Allan: Whistling (Good luck!) “Screen, another flag down, Rice, takes it all the way to the endzone.” Narrator: FREEZE!!! “Holding, Offense #65.” (The only time REFBALL would hurt the Chiefs all day) Looks like no one has been in here for years. “Butker, from 52, and it’s good, right into the net.” There’s not even a light in this room either. Pretty Girl: There is some light in here now, your majesty. Narrator: WOAH! You scared me! Uh, thank you for using your phone light. Anyways who are you again? Pretty Girl: My name is Jennifer, I’m from around here. Narrator: I’m Michael. Nice to meet you. Born and raised in Charm City. Anyways you look gorgeous in that dress especially with those high heeled sandals. Pretty Girl: Why thank you, I do indeed love dressing up especially in front of boys like you. That’s why I wore this. Narrator: I don’t blame you especially if you want someone like me who has a cool kid mindset. Not to mention those circular earrings. Pretty Girl: That’s one of the reasons why I came down here, I am looking for someone to fall for. Narrator: Maybe you found that guy right here… WOOOOOOOOAH! Pretty Girl: That’s just what I want to hear Michael. Narrator: Uh if you say so I guess. Uh, you see. Both: MWWWWWWWWWWWA! Pretty Girl: How do you feel? Narrator: I feel like I’m in love right now. Pretty Girl: Then good, because I feel that way too. Narrator: I’m feeling another kiss right now eh? Pretty Girl: I’m with you, let’s try this again. We can do much better than that. Narrator: Ok then. Both: MWA! MWA! MWWWWWWWWWWWWWA! Pretty Girl: Was that better than the first kiss? Narrator: Yes. And was that precious? Anyways, what are you really doing here in the first place? Pretty Girl: I was trying to find a secret area to hide in from my nemesis. Narrator: Who’s your nemesis? Pretty Girl: TAYLOR SWIFT! Narrator: So you’re fighting against the Swiftie Empire? THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I’M DOING RIGHT NOW! Pretty Girl: NO WAY! Both: MWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWA! (They’ve known each other for all of five minutes, and they’ve already kissed three times. That’s true love at first sight) PAUSE.
(City Hall)
(BOOOOM! POP! POP! POP!) (Halftime, 17-7 Chiefs) Darkness: Whistling (Well it looks we made them migrate the area with our bottle rocket gun) Edgar: Whistling (But where did they go?) Marylander: GUYS CHANGE OF PLANS! Poe: Whistling (Why’s that buddy?) Marylander: The Swifties are now raiding the site of where Hairspray was filmed. We gotta get over there quickly! Edgar: Whistling (But what about the Boss and Allan?) Marylander: Oh right I forgot about that. POE! Poe: Whistling (Yes buddy!) Marylander: HEAD TOWARDS THE MUSEUM NEAR THE INNER HARBOR! THEY HAVE TROOPERS OUT THERE SO IF YOU CAN SHOOT SOME DOWN GO AHEAD! BUT BE CLOSE ENOUGH TO FIND THE OTHERS! Poe: Whistling (Sure, I will go to the Aquarium and wind an open window to shoot from.) Marylander: Cool, THE REST OF YOU COME WITH ME! WE’RE GOING TO THE WEST SIDE TO TAKE THEM ALL DOWN! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! PAUSE.
(Babe Ruth Museum)
(Better Not playing) Narrator: Anyways, as much as you and I don’t want to admit this but enough with the kissing for now. Pretty Girl: I hear you, but I want to get to know you even more. I want us to find more love than there already is. Narrator: I see you. Here’s my point of view. I am the leader of a crew called the Charm City Beasts. It’s me, my best friend the Salty Marylander, plus the Raven Brothers Edgar, Allan, and Poe along with their younger cousin Darkness. We do weekly episodes that cover the Baltimore Ravens, and we also do fun skits to pass the time. Pretty Girl: Sounds like fun. I like that you’re wearing a purple Justin Tucker jersey to go with the black pants. That’s one of my favorite combos. (Both of them being impressed with what the other has on, a sign of true love) Narrator: Thanks. Our outfits match what the players wear basically each week. Unless it’s for Salute to Service or Crucial Catch. Not to mention we also can play the role of hero and try to save the city. On Blackout Night, we took down Captain Win-Cinnati and his army of Siberian Tigers, and I made mincemeat out of his daughter too. Pretty Girl: I remember reading about that. Where is your squad now? Narrator: The Salty Marylander, Edgar, Poe, and Darkness are at City Hall and they’re right now trying to stop a massive raid of Swifties coming towards the area, and from what I’m hearing they have Chevy Silverados that are ice and fire proof. Pretty Girl: That’s impressive, but what about Allan? Narrator: Allan is with me, he’s just outside of the room chatting with them via a video walkie talkie system. Pretty Girl: That’s cool that you have those! Narrator: I know right. The reason myself and Allan came down here was because we saw that there was a Gold Scar similar to the ones you see in Fortnite in the museum. We kept looking all over the building, and then we came down here, and found this little room that we’re in right now. Pretty Girl: Well that’s what I tried to do too. Narrator: Really? Pretty Girl: Last night, after I went out with my friends for dinner, I was walking around the city, and I noticed that there was a Swiftie guard going into the museum, so I followed her to the basement. However I almost paid the price. With the length of my dress going all the way to my calves, and how tight it is on my legs, it almost caused me to fall down the stairs. Narrator: Well Allan almost made the same mistake just a few minutes ago. Those stairs are slippery especially for you who wears high heels as well. Pretty Girl: Yeah, and once they placed the Scar in the room, I fought the guard and stabbed her in the back with my handmade sword. Plus I kicked her where it hurts with my sharp high heels despite nearly ripping the seams of my dress apart. Narrator: Did she pass out? Pretty Girl: Yes. Narrator: And is that when you decided to hide in here? Pretty Girl: Yes. If I left the room, and headed back outside, I was afraid that they would capture me at first sight, luckily they didn’t report that the guards were killed. Narrator: Wow that’s a smart idea to stay in this room. Especially considering that you were all alone. Pretty Girl: Why thank you Michael. PAUSE.
(The Swift Airship)
(Romantic Music playing) T-Swift: Oh Travis, oh Travis, wherefore art thou Travis? Travis, Travis, Travis, here’s a drink, I drink to thee. Love is blind, and lovers cannot see. The course of true love never did run smooth. Whoever loved that loved not at first sight. If football be the food of love, play on. They call the dates and quinces in the pastry. When you dance, I wish you a wave of the sea that you might ever do nothing but that. Chief Swiftie: Hello Taylor! T-Swift: I’m in the middle of something right now, but anyways what is it? Chief Swiftie: We have discovered that a beautiful woman is inside the Babe Ruth Museum. T-Swift: Ok, is that one of the Swifties we sent out to City Hall? Chief Swiftie: No, this one so happens to be looking for that Scar we hid in there last night. T-Swift: Is anyone with her? Chief Swiftie: Yes, the master of the Charm City Beasts just arrived moments ago, and has found her in one of the dark rooms in the basement. They are up to something Taylor. T-Swift: Come here. Have a drink with me. (Lover playing) This woman, where did she come from? Chief Swiftie: I’m not sure. T-Swift: Does their master like her? Chief Swiftie: It appears so. Even if they end up falling in love you’ll have nothing to worry about since our magnets on our battle trucks have snatched some of their guns away. T-Swift: I hear you, and the rest of that crew has their work cut out for them especially if their master doesn’t make it out of the museum. But I must ask you one thing. Chief Swiftie: What’s that Tay-Tay? (BOOM!) T-Swift: FIND OUT WHO SHE IS! AND WHAT THEY’RE PLANNING! Chief Swiftie: Alright, I’ll run an analysis on the radar board. T-Swift: Good. We need as much information on this woman as possible. Chief Swiftie: Ok then. Hey, Swiftie Scientists. Head Scientist: Yes. Chief Swiftie: I want one of you to run a detailed analysis on the woman who is with their master inside the museum. Male Henchman: We got you covered. (SCANNING SYSTEM) Head Scientist: So it appears that this woman is from Baltimore, she attends the University of Maryland, she has long hair, she’s a brunette, she has very tan skin, she wears circular ringed earrings, and she’s wearing a red and black plaid style dress, with black high heeled sandals from what we can tell right now. Male Henchman: Okay. I get the sense that she looks familiar to me if you can’t tell? Head Scientist: How’s that? Male Henchman: Uh, what is her name? Head Scientist: The woman’s name is Jennifer. Male Henchman: Jennifer? JENNIFER! THAT’S MY EX GIRLFRIEND! Whole Room: WHAAAAAAAAAAAT? Male Henchman: THEIR MASTER IS WITH MY EX! WE HAVE TO CAPTURE THEM NOW! Chief Swiftie: Don’t worry about them too much, we have a guard placed in the room with the Scar, so if they try to find it, we’ll be waiting for them. Male Henchman: Good. But what about if they somehow defeat the guard? Chief Swiftie: Well go ask Taylor about it. Male Henchman: Gotcha. TAYLOR! T-Swift: Yes lead henchman? Male Henchman: We just found out who the woman is? T-Swift: And who is she? Male Henchman: Well she just so happens to be my ex girlfriend. T-Swift: Ok then. It makes sense since she has a grudge towards us. No wonder she’s with their master. Male Henchman: I know we have a guard protecting the Scar in case they break in, but what happens if they find it, and head towards our airship? T-Swift: Well, we put Swifties inside every Swan Boat that there is on the dock at the Inner Harbor, which means if they try to attack us on the water, we’ll be waiting for them. Plus we have a giant magnet hiding underground. Male Henchman: Oh thank goodness. T-Swift: You seem furious right now, what’s causing this level of rage? Male Henchman: We just got marched out of City Hall by the rest of the beasts, we had to relocate our freaking troops to the West Side of Baltimore, and from what I’m guessing inside the museum, it’s that JENNIFER! MY STUPID EX! IS FALLING IN LOVE WITH THEIR MASTER AS WE SPEAK! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (He’s hated her ever since then, and he would love nothing more than to see those two and the rest of that crew get captured by the Swiftie Empire. By the way, Maryland-PSU love story eh?) PAUSE.
(Babe Ruth Museum)
(Supplies playing) Narrator: I get why you came down here, to try and find the Scar that they were planning on hiding somewhere, but what made you so lovestruck from the moment that I walked in? Pretty Girl: Well, I’ve been searching for a boy who was willing to fight side by side with me against the Swifties. I have hated Taylor for a long time, and I indeed broke up with someone who started my hatred towards her. The guy I was dating at the time wasn’t like what you are. But I loved his smile and his good looks, but there was always something dark about him. Narrator: Was he ever a Swiftie as odd as it sounds? Pretty Girl: He absolutely was! Every time I went out with him, all he wanted to do was listen to the Fearless, and the 1989 albums over and over and over. I eventually got fed up with it. Then I decided to let go of him. Soon I realized that he later joined the Great Swift Army, and luckily for me, he was the one along with T-Swift who ordered the attack I had to deal with last night. So I kinda got my revenge. However, since then I have been looking for someone who had the same ambitions that I’ve had ever since I broke up. A young man who could help me defeat that dreaded army of Tay-Tay’s. Then you came along, and made my life cool again by just walking in the room! And even if I’ve only known you for about 15 minutes or so, I love you Michael. Narrator: I love you too Jennifer. Come here. Both: MWWWWWWWWWWWWA! Narrator: I now understand why you chose me as your new true love. It’s because I have a never say die mindset that someone like you adores. Pretty Girl: That’s right. Plus I found the Scar! Narrator: LETS GO! Well we got our top weapon to hunt down the Swifties! But first, can you please excuse me for just a second? ALLAN COME IN! Allan: Whistling (What’s up?) Narrator: I found the Scar. It was hanging on one of the walls. Allan: Whistling (THAT’S AWESOME! But, who’s the girl in the red and black dress?) Narrator: Allan, this is Jennifer. She just happens to be fighting against the Swifties alongside us. Pretty Girl: MWA! MWA! MWA! Narrator: And she’s already in love with me, my gosh! Allan: Whistling (So that’s what took you so long) Narrator: Yeah, a few stories about how we got to this very minute, plus a few lips on lips moments. Nothing fancy. How are the others? Allan: Whistling (They got a major scare thanks to a magnet on one of the Chevys, which took away the Ice Guns, but they still got the job done) Narrator: Nice, although I just saw on my radar that the Swifties are now heading to the West Side. Allan: Whistling (Yes, but they stole the Swan Boats in the Inner Harbor and have troops in each boat) Narrator: Well, I guess we’re jumping on one of those motor boats to try and hunt them down. Pretty Girl: What should I do? Narrator: Allan is going to drive the boat, Jennifer, you and I will shoot in the back. I’ll use the Scar, but we got an extra Paintball Gun for you to use. Pretty Girl: That’s great. Narrator: Hey, before we head on out to the Harbor, thank you for helping me find the Scar. Pretty Girl: You’re welcome. Both: MWA! MWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWA! (Luckily she wasn’t wearing tons of makeup on her face but still, the Boss couldn’t resist getting kissed on the lips multiple times) Pretty Girl: Michael, do you mind if I change please? Narrator: Don’t be too long. We still have to get out to the Harbor before it’s too late. Allan: Whistling (I wonder what Jennifer’s gonna unveil for us) Narrator: Allan, I don’t know, but she did say she was an expert fashionista, so I’m guessing it’s some stunning look. (Beautiful by Mariah Carey playing) Pretty Girl: TA DA! Narrator: Wow! wow. So you changed your dress from red and black, to Raven Purple? Now that’s true gamesmanship right there, and you can still wear the black heels. Pretty Girl: When I made the decision to go down here and fight the guard last night, I went back to my apartment, found the dress, and put it in my backpack along with my purse and handmade sword. (Plus she wanted to throw off the Swiftie guard by pretending that she was one of their troopers by wearing red and black) The reason I packed this was because I was like, if I can really convince someone to help me fight the Swifties, that’s when I will change dresses. Now that you and Allan are here, it made perfect sense for me to do that. Narrator: Well myself, Allan, and the rest of our squad wore our Blackout outfits on Friday when the Swiftie Empire made their message attack on, and now we’re in Purple on Black tonight. We’re very stylistic aren’t we? Pretty Girl: Yes we are, and not only that, but we also love each other like few before us when it comes to doing so at first sight. Let’s do this again! Both: MWWWWWWWWWWWA! Narrator: Oye. I know we could go lips on lips all night if we wanted to. But let’s put it this way. ALLAN! Allan: Whistling (Yes, sire!) Narrator: GRAB THE SCAR AND LETS GET OUT OF HERE! Pretty Girl: To the Inner Harbor and the biggest battle of our lives. Narrator/Allan: CHARGE! PAUSE.
(West Side)
“3rd and 9, pressure, and they got him.” Marylander: UH MY SUGGS JERSEY IS ALL MUDDY! Edgar: Whistling (Don’t worry, they’ll get blasted by the Water Guns) (SPLASH! SPLASH! SPLASH!) “On 3rd and 7 they come after him. (Incomplete pass) had to get rid of it, breaking through was Broderick Washington.” (The SOS defense is balling, how are the Ravens still down 17-7?) Darkness: Whistling (They must have forgotten that those guns have hot water in them.) Marylander: True that. Poe, how are things going over at the Aquarium? Poe: Whistling (Well I can’t find a movable window. Although I do see that the Swift Airship is right on Fort McHenry) Marylander: Then heads towards the front of the harbor. Do you have your Lightning Gun with you right now? Poe: Whistling (Yes sir) Marylander: Then fire it when you get the chance. PAUSE.
(The Swift Airship)
T-Swift: Everything is going according to plan, we took their Ice Guns at City Hall, and now they’re having issues stopping our wave that’s hitting the West Side. Time to book our reservations for Las Vegas in two weeks. The ending with me and Travis will be so romantic! (Look What You Made Me Do playing) News Anchor Swiftie: Don’t you dare say that just yet! T-Swift: WHY!? News Anchor Swiftie: There’s a Developing Story coming out of the Babe Ruth Museum. The master of the Charm City Beasts and that beautiful woman have just found the Gold Scar that we hid inside the basement of the museum last night. T-Swift: DIDN’T WE HAVE A GUARD SET UP IN THERE TO PROTECT IT!? News Anchor Swiftie: Well we did, but now there are reports saying that the guard we had in there died while fighting the woman. T-Swift: How did we not report on this last night? Well I mean we were busy planning on where to send the Swifties. Plus we had too many drinks. News Anchor Swiftie: I hear you. But we have to be on the alert, because now those two as well as one of the Raven Brothers, I’m guessing it’s Allan, have left the museum just moments ago and they are heading towards our airship on Fort McHenry right now. T-Swift: THAT’S IT! WE NEED TO GET THE SWIFTIES INSIDE THE SWAN BOATS OUT OF THE DOCK RIGHT NOW! THEIR MASTER AND THAT DREADED WOMAN ARE COMING FOR US! PAUSE.
(Inner Harbor)
Narrator: Well we found one of those power boats. Now everyone get in. Pretty Girl: My goodness it’s chilly outside. Narrator: I know it’s 40 degrees, it’s dark out, and you’re wearing a sleeveless dress with uncovered high heels but this is where you toughen up and overcome the odds! Pretty Girl: That’s so true, but hey you got no sleeves on too but only on the arms plus you’re wearing a Ravens baseball hat. Narrator: When you live in Wisconsin for 6 years, this is the kind of reputation you get. Pretty Girl: Boy do I love a tough guy like you. Narrator: Thanks, but no time for kissing right now. Allan, START THE BOAT! Allan: Whistling (On it Boss!) Narrator: LETS GO GET THIS! (BOOM!) (Charm City Beasts theme playing) Well Jennifer, we get the chance to live our dream come true right now. Pretty Girl: Falling in love right on the water in the moonlight? Narrator: You’re close. While that’s definitely true. (POP! POP!) In this case it’s taking down the Swifties in a fairytale ending! Pretty Girl: I’m so excited! Narrator: Me too. Alright the Swifties in the Swan Boats are coming out right now after seeing our message to them via gameday-like fireworks from the boat, let’s head right towards them Allan! Allan: Whistling (Ok, whatever you say) Pretty Girl: Are you super good at this? Narrator: Heck yeah! Didn’t I tell you that my crew hunted down Captain Win-Cinnati and his army? Pretty Girl: Yeah, you were so awesome in that battle. Narrator: Thanks again. Allan, cue the music! (Everybody playing) Pretty Girl: OH I LOVE THIS SONG! Narrator: Well guess what? We played this track during our opening battle with the Swifties on Friday, so why not play it again for the real thing. Pretty Girl: Well that bodes well for us here. Narrator: I hope so too. ALLAN BREAK IT DOWN! Allan: Whistling (MIKE MIKE! “Everybody!” JENN JENN! “Everybody!” AND YOURS TRULY! “Everybody!” TRUE! LOVE! BABY! MIKE MIKE! “Everybody!” JENN JENN! “Everybody!” AND YOURS TRULY! “Everybody!”) Both: LET’S DO THIS! (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) “Play action, loads it up, wide open, he’s got him, it’s Flowers, getting past Sneed, down to the 9 yard line!” (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) Narrator: LETS GO! Pretty Girl: OH MY GOSH! THAT WAS SO AMAZING! Narrator: The Swan Boats have all sunk. Hey and there’s Poe helping us out on one of those docks too! Poe: Whistling (I had to help you on a few of them! BUT YES SIR!) Narrator: Well it makes sense since they had nowhere to go because we doubled teamed them. Pretty Girl: Very true. Now why don’t you come in a little closer for a nice smooch? Narrator: We did our job so why not? Both: MWWWWWWWA! (Ground rumbling) Pretty Girl: Uh, why is the ground rumbling? Narrator: I think it’s because they just saw us sneaking in a kiss. Pretty Girl: Probably. “Taunting, Offense #4.” (How is this taunting, L’Jarius Sneed grabbed Zay first)
(The Swift Airship)
(Tomahawk Chop playing) T-Swift: ACTIVATE THE MAGNET OF DOOOOOOOM!
(Inner Harbor)
Narrator: I don’t know what they’ve got planned on that hill, but listen to me. Pretty Girl: What is it? Narrator: Jennifer, as long as we’re together, nothing can hurt us. Pretty Girl: Amen Michael. “Jackson, to Flowers, he dives, the ball came out! It’s recovered by Kansas City!” (Zay, are you trying to be Jamal Lewis, and Snoop Huntley for crying out loud?) Narrator: No, no, no, no, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Allan: Whistling (What happened?) Narrator: THE SCAR IS GONE! Pretty Girl: You’re kidding! HOW DID THAT HAPPEN! Narrator: They have a giant magnet placed on the hill of Fort McHenry. Pretty Girl: WHAT!? UNREAL!
(The Swift Airship)
T-Swift: MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! THERE GOES YOUR BEST WEAPON! TIME TO CHASE THEM DOWN MY FELLOW SWIFTIES!
(Inner Harbor)
Narrator: Salty Marylander can you hear me through the walkie talkie? Marylander: Yes. Narrator: The Scar we found is gone! Marylander: WAIT WHAT! Narrator: THEY HAVE A GIANT MAGNET PLACED ON FORT MCHENRY! Marylander: Well speaking of magnets, they have smaller ones too, and they took away our Ice, and Water guns. Narrator: Well we have to get out of the city. Marylander: No, we can’t do that, then they’ll chase us down. Narrator: We have to get out, it’s our only choice. Marylander: Well I have to go, because I’m still fighting on the West Side. Why don’t you get Poe to talk to you. Narrator: Ok. I hear you, you do you. Allan, take us back to shore. Allan: Whistling (Got it) Narrator: Poe will meet us there. Allan: Whistling (Alright)
(The Swift Airship)
T-Swift: We found the Scar, now we have the power to do whatever the heck we want to! Chief Swiftie: They still have those fire guns that have given us tons of trouble. If we take them away, they’re done. T-Swift: They still have Paintball Guns too. “Dumps it off, Watson, good stick, that was Stephens. And we got a flag.” (BOOM!) Chief Swiftie: OUR MAGNET! “Personal Foul, roughing the passer, Defense #24.” T-Swift: Thank goodness for my spell powers being able to put that magnet back together. We’re all good from here. PAUSE.
(Inner Harbor)
Poe: Whistling (Buddy!) Narrator: Poe, thank goodness, you’re alright. The Swifties have the Scar. Poe: Whistling (I saw, I couldn’t believe it) Narrator: I was just chatting with the Salty Marylander via the video walkie talkie, and they’re busy fighting on the West Side, we have to go over there and help them. Allan: Whistling (Didn’t you say we should get out of the city) Narrator: I did but only if the others can’t survive long enough out there. Pretty Girl: I’m so nervous now. They took our best weapon, and all we have are Paintball Guns. Poe: Whistling (But I have a Lightning Gun. It may not be a Scar, but it does do some serious damage. Like you saw just moments ago to that magnet) Pretty Girl: YES! I’m Jennifer by the way. Poe: Whistling (Poe. I see you must be our boss’ new girlfriend) Pretty Girl: Yes I am, and I fell for him the moment he walked into the museum to rescue me. Plus he got a big kick out of me being a fashionista which further convinced me to fall for him. Poe: Whistling (I can tell. You definitely are a good looking girl.) Narrator: Guys no time to chat, let’s head over to the West Side right now. Allan: Whistling (I forgot the Paintball Gun!) Narrator: Oh no! Run back and get it quickly! “2nd and 10, to the endzone again, and it is intercepted.” (Why are you throwing the ball into Triple Coverage LJ?) (BOOM!) Allan: Whistling (The boat just sank thanks to a tank shot from their Airship!) Narrator: Oh Allan, you gotta remember to keep track of your belongings! Poe: Whistling (But don’t you worry, you got a shot to redeem yourself) Allan: Whistling (Thanks bro.) Pretty Girl: NOW LET’S HEAD OVER THERE!
(West Side)
Marylander: Good thing we left our car in the City, because now the others can get to us much quicker than they would be walking. (BOOM!) Edgar: Whistling (Oh there they are) Narrator: Edgar, good to see you, but now we gotta stop them! Pretty Girl: The Swift Airship is heading towards the West Side right now. We need to act quickly. Marylander: I don’t know who this good looking woman is but she must really know her stuff. Allan: Whistling (The boss found her while we were in the museum. Yes they may be in love but they work well side by side too) Marylander: Oh, ok. NOW GET OUT THE FIRE GUNS EDGAR AND DARKNESS! Edgar/Darkness: Whistling (Aye sir!) SHOOT! (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) “How patient do you want to be if you’re Baltimore, I don’t think you can hand it off yet until you get a perfect look. Karlaftis has him wrapped up around the shoulders.” Marylander: And one of their magnets finally got the fire guns. Narrator: Now we have to get out of the city. Pretty Girl: That’s right, GET IN THE CAR!
(The Swift Airship)
T-Swift: Everyone, back to the airship. Get in, get in. Here’s the plan. We must follow that car wherever it goes. Once it comes to a stop then we land the ship and capture them! Conductor Swiftie: Alright, I’m going to turn this thing and follow their every move. T-Swift: We won’t fire anything at them, we’ll just wait until they come to a sudden stop. PAUSE.
(I-83)
(VROOM!) Narrator: Thank goodness not too many cars are out on the freeway right now. Marylander: We’re also lucky that there are no traffic police officers either. Poe: Whistling (Can you go any faster?) Narrator: We’re going 85 right now, but I don’t want us to get pulled over and risk getting captured. Poe: Whistling (Ok) Narrator: Allan are they anywhere near us? Allan: Whistling (No but they’re coming now) Narrator: Oh no! Salty Marylander. Marylander: Yes. Narrator: MUSIC! (Shut up and Drive playing) Time to speed up, LET’S DRIVE AS FAST AS WE CAN! Marylander: ALRIGHT THEN! (VROOOOOOOOM! VROOM! VROOM!) Narrator: Now do we head back to our headquarters, or do we head towards somewhere they won’t find us? Marylander: I’d say the ladder, because if we head back all of our stuff will be destroyed. (They almost got distracted from Jennifer singing so loudly. 0-60 in 3.5 eh?) Narrator: Makes sense, I don’t want to lose all of my stuff, and neither do the rest of you. Let’s drive until we run out of gas alright? “One of the top two all time kickers by percentage in NFL History in this game, and that is good.” (17-10 Chiefs) Allan: Whistling (Guys the Airship is coming our way) Narrator: Speed up Salty Marylander! Marylander: I’m going 105! I don’t want to blow up the engine. Narrator: WE CAN’T LET THEM CATCH US! (VOOM!) (Gas Warning) “Personal foul, unnecessary roughness, Defense #0.” (The Ravens always have 10+ penalties with a Shawn Smith crew don’t they) Pretty Girl: Oh crud, we’re almost out of gas. Marylander: WE’LL JUST KEEP GOING UNTIL WE RUN OUT! Darkness: Whistling (The ship is less than a mile away from us!) “He gets the protection, he goes long, and on his back! (DRAMATIC MUSIC!) TO ICE IT! Is Marquez Valdes Scantling for the 2nd straight week he catches a long ball he had two of them against the Bills.” Narrator: Now we’re out of gas. Pull over. Get out everyone. PAUSE.
(The Swift Airship)
(BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) (Rome Total War music playing) Pretty Girl: And here comes the ship which will land any second now. Narrator: Well, we hung tough but in the end we must deal with the consequences. (I had to put the Sandusky call of the ending in there right now, so here it is) “Patrick Mahomes and the Kansas City Chiefs are heading to the Super Bowl for a 4th time in 5 years looking to defend their Super Bowl title. Wish we had a better ending to what had been a fairytale story. And the Chiefs now will talk of dynasty, and unfortunately we will hear a lot of Taylor Swift songs in the 2 weeks ahead.” (Door of Ship opening) Pretty Girl: What do we do now? Narrator: I don’t know, I mean we should try to give them one last fight but if we do, they could vanquish us, and I don’t want that. And here it goes. Swiftie Guards: Hut 2, 3, 4! Hut 2, 3, 4! Hut 2, 3, 4! Chief Swiftie: BEHOLD! THE QUEEN OF THE SWIFTIES! (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) T-Swift: The Charm City Beasts, looks like your run is over despite going out there and adding yourself another talented crew member who used to date my lead henchman. Narrator: TAYLOR SWIFT! You have taken every weapon that we’ve valued dearly thanks to the powers of magnets and deus ex machina! T-Swift: That’s right. As you can see, I and my fellow Swifties have the Gold Scar. Pretty Girl: If you’re going to use it, USE IT NOW! T-Swift: Well I would but I’m saving this for your compadres from San Francisco in 2 weeks. Marylander: 2 WEEKS! WHAT’S IN 2 WEEKS! T-Swift: The Super Bowl, the coronation of my rise to power as ruler of the NFL World! Narrator: I knew you would say that. T-Swift: Now since I have found you and the rest of your squad master, you shall be sentenced towards an entire offseason in the elimination cellars. Narrator: A WHOLE OFFSEASON! I WOULD NEVER EVER CONSIDER THAT AS THE PUNISHMENT! T-Swift: Maybe you should start to reconsider your thoughts for just a moment. (ELECTROCUTION SPELL) Pretty Girl: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Narrator: STOP! PLEASE STOP! We’ll serve our offseason punishment! Just don’t hurt my girlfriend or the rest of my squad! Pretty Girl: Uh, thank the lord the pain is over. T-Swift: You have my word. Narrator: Yes mam. (Darth Vader theme playing) T-Swift: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! TIME TO HEAD TO LAS VEGAS FOR THE SUPER BOWL! Raven Bros: Whistling (This is not going to be cool at all)
(2 weeks later)
(Should’ve Been Us playing) Narrator: Uh, Jennifer, how did we end up like this two weeks ago when in reality we should all be in Las Vegas right now? Pretty Girl: I know Michael, we tried everything. From the power of our love for each other. Both: MWA. Pretty Girl: To using the right weapons, to working as a team to try and knock off the Swiftie Empire, to driving as fast as we could to escape our own doom. Narrator: And now we’re going to be stuck here until at least August. Pretty Girl: I know it stinks. and I hate wearing a Chiefs themed jail outfit. Narrator: I do too. I know you don’t like it at all since you wore two fire looking dresses the night of that dramatic battle we had against the Great Swift Army. Pretty Girl: I know, and I looked so good in them too. Narrator: Yep. Plus me, the Raven Brothers, and the Salty Marylander were in our Purple Raven jerseys with the Black pants like what the players had on, we had no sleeves on either, besides I don’t know how you didn’t get super cold. Pretty Girl: Well it’s because I have a fearless mindset. No, not that fearless, but still. Narrator: Good, I thought you were relating to the enemy. How are the others doing across the room? Salty Marylander/Raven Bros: Good! Poe: Whistling (Myself, Edgar, and Allan have played Pictionary on the walls) Narrator: Cool. Marylander: Darkness and myself have been playing Ravens Trivia. Narrator: Nice! I will say, for as harsh as this is, they do have good food options unlike a regular prison. Pretty Girl: That’s because Tay-Tay, for as powerful as she is, doesn’t want to be too mean to her prisoners. Plus they allow us to take showers and brush our teeth. Narrator: I hear you. (BOOM!) Chief Swiftie: Hello prisoners! Narrator: Chief Swiftie, what do you want to share with us! Chief Swiftie: The Chiefs have just defeated the San Francisco 49ers in Super Bowl LVIII, and even if Travis Kelce didn’t propose to our empress on the night of the big game, you guys must suffer for an entire offseason of the anticipation of the NFL’s version of “The Proposal” and eventually the upcoming Royal Wedding! (BOOM!) Cast: WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! (Technical Difficulties. Please Stand By.) PAUSE.
Narrator: GUYS! Marylander: Yes? Edgar: Whistling (Yes?) Pretty Girl: Michael and I have a plan. Marylander: But how are we going to reach your cell? Pretty Girl: HERE’S HOW! (SCREECH!) Narrator: Thank goodness you still have your high heeled sandals from that dreaded night 2 weeks ago! Pretty Girl: Hallelujah! I kept them inside my purse once we got captured. Narrator: I’m more surprised they didn’t take that away from you. Now come on over squad! Allan: Whistling (What’s the plan) Narrator: Allan here it is. Jennifer, please explain. Pretty Girl: The NFL is plotting a secret plan for Week 1. The Chiefs will of course be getting the Opening Thursday Night to start the 2024 season since they are now Back to Back Super Bowl Champions. But knowing the league office and how much of a grudge they have towards the Ravens and Baltimore City. Which means we might be getting a redemption match with the Chiefs and the Swift Army on September 5 in KC. Darkness: Whistling (But how will we stop them since they took our weapons) Narrator: Here’s how. Jennifer and myself will go on a spy mission after dinner one of these nights during the offseason, I don’t know when it’ll be, but we will attempt to pull this off. Poe: Whistling (What will you do?) Narrator: The two of us will treat this as a date, plus we’ll pretend to be Swifties to confuse the guards, and if they oblique, we hide in the weapon room which is where the Scar, and all of our guns are, we find them, we get our clothes back too, and then we try to escape as one. Pretty Girl: Michael, I love your idea. Narrator: It’s not completely finished yet. Salty Marylander, you will be coming with us as well since you are the kind of guy that they wouldn’t want to see in a dark alley. Marylander: Good, I’m built for these moments. But what about the birds? Pretty Girl: They’ll hide in the plants close by. Marylander: Smart thinking if I say so myself. Narrator: Alright, then let’s start planning our getaway plan to get out of this dreaded airship once and for all! Cast: LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOO! (TO BE CONTINUED)
Bragging Rights Sports 