Well guys, can somebody say PLAYOFFS! Even in a bizarre season that can best be described as the Year of the Backup QB, the intensity hasn’t skipped a beat. I know I haven’t been able to do Weekly Recaps this season, but I wasn’t missing this for the world. (When you have the academic schedule I have, it makes sense) 14 teams enter the holy ring of football, and only 1 leaves with the Lombardi. Who’s entering the room where it happens?
Baltimore Ravens (Levitating Side to Side): Behold Ladies and Gentlemen the Most Insufferable Maryland Festivus of All Time! I know you can call me crazy but this may be the most complete Ravens team that they’ve ever trotted out onto a field in their history. Lamar Jackson playing a full season for the first time in 3 years with a 2nd MVP all but clinched with the best set weapons he’s had in his career. (Unless they want to give it to another QB of the 2018 Class) The SOS defense led by Roquan Smith and Kyle Hamilton becoming the NFL’s first ever Triple Crown winner. (Points, sacks, takeaways) The best part is that all season long the media has been looking for someone to knock them off, and every time Baltimore imposes their will on that opponent. However there is one big concern. No it’s not the inconsistency of the pass protection, or the run defense being spotty at times, (Losing Keaton Mitchell and JK Dobbins was brutal) or OBJ being struck down by the Kardashian Curse. (Plus Patrick Queen hooking up with Ariana Grande, and Dua Lipa on Social Media) The Ravens biggest issue like it has been throughout most of their history is themselves, and they know it. That and they have a 3-3 record against the AFC North. (That’s what I don’t want them crossing paths with the Browns and Steelers) I swear to the holiest of deities if this team doesn’t make it to the Super Bowl especially if it’s another one and done, they will become one of the biggest if not the biggest meme in sports! If Jim Harbaugh won the National Championship, then John better win the Super Bowl too! (Especially since this might be his last ride) I wonder what the jolt to this playoff run they’re planning on having will be? (BOOM!) Oh they signed Dalvin Cook, plus Devin Duvernay and Mark Andrews have returned from injury, JUST WHAT WE ALL NEEDED TO SEE! (Please make the Super Bowl! I don’t want to have to live this down if they fall short)
Buffalo Bills (An Arisen Mafia): Can you back up the lofty expectations for once? I’m so tired of seeing analytics and the media hype this team up as the Super Bowl Favorite out of the AFC only to crap the bed. But this time, but this time will be different, they say. James Cook has been the bellcow runner that Buffalo hasn’t had since LeSean McCoy, Josh Allen is about to overcome the Madden Curse like Mahomes did before him. There’s no more drama in the locker room and off the field. I get all of that, but I’ve seen this movie before. They’ll play hero ball, abandon their running game at the worst possible times, and Sean McDermott will get in his own way. It nearly cost them in Week 18 against Miami. (They’re lucky that the Dolphins were missing Waddle and Mostert) My question, like the past few seasons with the Bills, is simple. Which iteration of them will we see? The team that has everyone in the media believing in them as a lock for a Super Bowl run, or the squad that shoots themselves in the foot at the worst time. The McKinley Curse has to be broken at some point right.
Kansas City Chiefs (Bad Blood Everywhere): Remember when I said that the Chiefs had a likable cast last postseason. I take back everything that I said. Their ascension into one of the most insufferable and unlikable franchises in the history of sports has been spearheaded by the most talked about celebrity couple that the NFL has seen since Tony Romo dated Jessica Simpson. Football fans may I introduce to you The Swifties. (DRAMATIC MUSIC) They have consumed this league so much that they’ve impacted ratings, and have convinced Roger Goodell that the Chiefs are the modern day America’s Team. (That and they’ve got teams like the Ravens trying to copy them) This all sounds too good to be true. Until it’s not. This Chiefs team is exactly what every Taylor Swift boyfriend is including Travis Kelce. Everything looks perfect and falling to place early on, the media and pop culture won’t shut up about it, and then everything crashes and burns, which leads to the eventual breakup. In this case it’s not Kelce or Mahomes who is causing the issues. It’s the receiving core dropping everything in sight and Matt Nagy learning nothing from his time with the Bears. (Somehow Bill Barnwell trusts them more than every other WR room in the league. STOP WISHING FOR A SHOOTING STAR! IT’S NOT COMING!) You better be lucky that the AFC West is a trainwreck once again and that the defense has reverted back to the days of Schottenheimer or else you’d be watching the playoffs on the couch. Even if the league is going to do everything they can for them to make it back to the Super Bowl, I see this team getting smoked if they have to go up against a team that isn’t prone into getting in their own way. If they lose in the 1st Round against Miami of all teams, I bet Kelce and Swift are breaking up. It’d be the most fitting ending of them all. (Get ready for the deep state conspiracies from Nick Wright on First Things First)
Houston Texans (Structure Indeed Makes a Difference): For the last 3 years, the Texans had been perhaps the biggest lolcow in the AFC. The amount of damage that Bill O’Brien and Jack Easterby did towards this once promising team was legendarily bad. All they needed was two men, along with an old remnant of the Patriots Dynasty in Nick Casario. DeMeco Ryans and CJ Stroud. (Honorable Mention: Bobby Slowik) Ryans has been the kind of coach that Houston has been lacking for a long time. He preaches discipline, as well as an open minded approach. Those guys may not have the experience that other teams have, but they’ve for sure been locked in all season. (I’ve been saying this since their Week 1 game in Baltimore) Stroud has proven that he doesn’t need to be around generational receivers like he was at Ohio State. Even as a rookie, he’s become the franchise QB they haven’t had since Deshaun Watson was there. And when he missed time due to a concussion he was sorely missed. Now that he’s back as well as a now healthy Will Anderson on defense, the Texans have a shot to win their first playoff game in 4 years. But to do it, they’ll have to face a team that has overcome every single past narrative and obstacle thrown its way. To be fair Houston has done a lot of that too.
Cleveland Browns (Look! ELVES!): Really? They’re still alive this deep into the season? With all the injuries they’ve had? With Alex Van Pelt as their offensive coordinator? In the most stacked division of all time? With 4 different quarterbacks? WITHOUT NICK CHUBB!? Somehow some way the Browns have survived all of this to make the playoffs. Most of it has been on the back of Myles Garrett and the defense. That was until midseason. Cleveland’s defense was starting to get exposed and the only reason why they were 7-3 was because Deshaun Watson was playing out of his mind for once. (CRACK!) And then he too went down. As did DTR. Then Jimmy Haslam signed Joe Flacco off the couch and injected him with superpowers of old, AS WE KNEW HE WOULD! Since then he’s turned back the clock to 2012. He has gotten plenty of help from Amari Cooper and David Njoku, and they’ve had a soft schedule, but still that’s an impressive feat. This team may be labeled as the Toronto Maple Leafs of football, but don’t tell the Dawg Pound that, because they’ll rip you like a bone. This is the Cinderella Story that the NFL has been waiting to see for a long time. Will they have the biggest fairytale ending in sports? Or will the cast of Charm City Beasts be correct in their take that this indeed was all a lie. (The Salty Marylander believes that Haslam mind controlled the media to make him look like a genius) Either way the rest of the nation will be zoned in on it.
Miami Dolphins (The Marino Special): This season has been so Dolphins that you could swap this with any one of their teams during the Dan Marino years and there wouldn’t be much of a difference. Lets see, they get off to a fast start, score the most points in a game by any team all season, feast on a soft schedule featuring a ton of home games, appear to have the AFC East all but locked up come mid December, then the injuries kick in on defense, and the offense gets exposed in bad weather by real teams. That’s what happened to Miami. Once the Titans game happened they went from 3 games on Buffalo with 4 to play to losing the division. (Scoring 70 points in one game. Give up 56 later in the year. NEVER CHANGE!) With both starting edge rushers out as well as Waddle, and Mostert there is little optimism left for them even with Tua and Tyreek. That would be bad enough but it gets worse. I know their 1st Round opponent isn’t the same team as they were in years prior but there’s one major issue. (BOOM!) -5 degrees with a windchill at -32. Yep, Dolphins your season is over. Have fun freezing to death. (Mike McDaniel can’t roll up his pants like he usually does when it’s that cold)
Pittsburgh Steelers (The Power of a Sacred Cloth): I don’t know how they do it. Every time you think this team is done and they’re headed towards mediocrity and potentially being a bad football team, they wake up from a long nap and find new ways to win. This is what we call Stiller Madness. (Even as a fan of a divisional rival, I must respect them for being a solid team for this long) Most teams who fire a coach in season for the first time since World War II, lose back to back games at home against 2 win teams, and are down to their 3rd string QB normally would lay down and die. Not these guys. Mike Tomlin may not be what he was in years past, but he has plenty of deus ex machina left in him. It showed in the last 3 games. Mason Rudolph with his nose bright along with Jaylen Warren and Najee Harris guided an offense with no direction to 3 straight wins and a return trip to the playoffs. It sucks for them that TJ Watt is out for this week, but at least Minkah Fitzpatrick is now healthy again. Let me put it this way, who will the NFL rig their playoff game against Buffalo for? Allen vs Mahomes or the Ultimate Rivalry? My guess is the ladder because if that’s the case then it’s all hands on deck next week.
San Francisco 49ers (Shades of Montana): For the last 5 years, the Bay Area has been looking for someone to share greatness with their beloved Warriors. The Niners have come close, but they haven’t made it there yet. This year in their eyes better be it. All the analytical nerds out there are in love with this team, they have big name stars everywhere, and boasted the two highest vote getters for this year’s Pro Bowl. Hell their media homers compared them to their 1989 team for crying out loud. (You’re comparing Brock N Roll to Joe Cool? Really?) This is their time, they say. However there is one major flaw that could bite them in the ass. Playing from behind in the 2nd Half. Kyle Shanahan is 5-37 in his career when trailing at halftime, and 1-31 when behind in the 4th Quarter. Baltimore exposed that flaw dramatically on Christmas Night. (The only time they’ve lost this year with their skill players healthy) That and the fact that the offense lives and dies by the health of Trent Williams, and they have a 1-3 record against the AFC North. (The only win was against a Matt Canada offense) If they don’t make it back to the big game, with the cap crunch they’re facing this offseason now that Nick Bosa’s contract sets in. Yeah it’s going to be brutal.
Dallas Cowboys (“HERE WE GOOO” -Dak): HOW BOUT DEM COWBOYS! The last 27 times that fanbase has beaten their chests they’ve failed miserably. However JerryBoy disagrees with that. Dak Prescott fulfilled his promise of throwing fewer than 10 interceptions. CeeDee Lamb, and Brandin Cooks are a deadly 1-2 punch at receiver, and even if Tony Pollard hasn’t been as dominant without Zeke, he’s still very good. The defense has been the typical Doomsday Machine. Trevon Diggs, don’t need him DaRon Bland has become the modern day Night Train Lane with all the pick sixes he’s getting. Micah Parsons you may ask is in his prime. The scary thing about their status right now is that all the stars seem to be aligning for them. Jimmy Johnson was finally inducted in their Ring of Honor at long last, the refs screwed the Lions over to appease Jimmy and Jerry, and thanks to the Eagles going from 10-1 to losing 5 of 6, Dallas has a clear path to their first NFC Championship Game since 1995. That and if the cards play out right, they won’t have to travel until the Super Bowl. With their record at AT&T Stadium over the past two years, the NFC may be facing a death sentence if San Fran gets knocked out. If the Cowboys make it to Vegas, every single hater of theirs will be getting roasted like never before. All they pray for is the return of McCarthyism. The bad version that is.
Detroit Lions (Am I Hearing This Right?): I know I may sound crazy for saying this, but I’ll say it anyway. This is the best team that the Detroit Lions have had since the 1950s. That in itself is borderline insane! One playoff win in nearly 60 years, all of that can be vanquished right here. And they have the talent to do so. Jared Goff is back in 2018 form and is being flanked by two rookie studs in Sam LaPorta and Jahmir Gibbs. (Plus one of the better route runners in the game in Amon-Ra St Brown) On defense it’s a total mystery box outside of Aidan Hutchinson and another rookie sensation in Brian Branch. (You still mad about not drafting him Tom Grossi?) Aaron Glenn looks like a future head coach one day, the next he gets exposed. With CJ Gardiner Johnson returning that unit at least gets a shot in the arm for the playoffs. The last time they hosted a playoff game was 1993, where they lost to Green Bay thanks to a miracle play by Brett Favre. No, I still don’t understand how Sterling Sharpe was that wide open. It’s only fitting that they’re facing the guy who led them for so long. In Dan Campbell’s mind, one thing has been stated since he got there. BE AGGRESSIVE! BE BE AGGRESSIVE! (Sometimes that’s too much especially in close situations)
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (INTO THE UNKNOWN!): The NFC South was full of dinosaurs, a franchise living off of past glory for way too long, and the worst team the NFL has seen since the 1983 Buccaneers. (Why am I saying this? Because they sucked and they traded what was the 1st Overall pick unlike the 08 Lions and 2017 Browns) Speaking of the Bucs they were the ones who survived this gong show of a division. Most of it is due to Mike Evans and Chris Godwin feasting on defenses all season. But the guy who threw them the ball was the big story. Come see for yourselves the revival of the cocky gunslinger from Oklahoma. Baker Mayfield has returned to 2020 form, and other than Week 18 he’s been slinging it big time. The defense still has Levonte David, and Antonie Winfield II still roaming the field. The rest of the unit is swiss cheese. Isn’t that Todd Bowles strength for crying out loud? Tampa is a team that’s very hard to judge. They lost 6 of 7 at one point, then rallied to win 5 of 6. And the funny part about this is that they may actually win a playoff game this year. Why? Because look who their opponent is during the Wild Card Game…
Philadelphia Eagles (It’s Always Stormy in Philly): May I present to you the reincarnation of the Eagles 2005 squad. A strong 10-1 start to the season despite massive flaws on both sides of the ball, and a rough transition in both coordinator rooms. It didn’t matter because the fans were singing Kumbaya and Fly Eagles Fly on replay along with a heavy dose of the Brotherly Shove. Then we get to December. “The Gang Experiences a Legendary Soap Opera” Wouldn’t you know it the Philadelphia Sports fairy sprinkles in endless misery featuring Jalen Hurts and AJ Brown turning into what Donovan McNabb and TO were in that infamous 05 season. Futing with each other on the sidelines and being ravaged by injuries and a big fat ego. Then there’s the defense regressing. It’s gotten so bad that they brought in Matt Patricia. That’s not an upgrade, that’s adding more fuel to this fire. Since that beatdown they suffered at the hands of the 49ers, the Eagles have lost 5 of 6 and their only win was against a Giants team playing Tyrod Taylor. Nick Sirranni is being mauled by Philly Faithful just like Andy Reid, Chip Kelly, Ray Rhodes, and Doug Pederson before him. If they lose in the 1st Round this would be the most embarrassing loss since their last game at the Vet, and guess who their 1st Round opponent is, wait for it THE BUCCANEERS! And that game is in Raymond James. I can’t wait for the meltdown that’s about to hit the corner of Broad and Pattison. It’s going to be borderline sick!
Los Angeles Rams (The Revival of Pokemon McVay): The Rams got healthy again and are scorching the NFC like a California Wildfire. LA has been locked in and rattled off 7 wins in 8 games and now has become the dark horse candidate to make it to the Super Bowl. I knew it when I saw them against the Ravens in that epic overtime game in Week 14, this team is going to be a handful for anyone in the NFC during the playoffs. And my point still stands. Matthew Stafford and Cooper Kupp are 100% healthy and leading the charge both on and off the field. Oh yeah they got two young studs in Kyren Williams and Puka Nacua to help them out. The defense may be their weakness, but they still have Aaron Donald anchoring their D-Line and that’s always a major boom. The Rams may not be as loaded as they were in 2021, and they have plenty of new faces, but if there’s one thing Sean McVay knows how to do it’s get the best out of every single one of those players. And luckily for them they won’t have to play in cold weather this postseason since every division winner plays in a dome or warm weather. With Stafford going back to Detroit for the Wild Card Game, it feels whoever wins that game could go on a serious run. And I’m probably going to be right about this.
Green Bay Packers (They Never Killed the Idea): To the delight of all of Wisconsin, there is no such thing as a dark long rebuild. The Packers are back in the playoffs. The bad news for everyone in their division is that even if Brett Favre is long gone, and Aaron Rodgers jumped ship to the Big Apple like Favre before, they could stop the most never ending idea in sports from recurring again. Green Bay being blessed with yet another franchise quarterback. Jordan Love has taken the mantle and after struggling during the middle of the season, he’s emerged big time down the stretch. Starting with their blowout win on Thanksgiving, the Packers have slaughtered anyone not named the Giants or Buccaneers. And they lost both of those games due to their defense which has been their weakness all season. Joe Barry may be the whipping boy of the Cheeseheads, but in his defense with the amount of injuries they’ve had all season, I’ll give him a pass. (Especially with the Jaire Alexander injury) This will probably be the learning experience year for Love and company. Unless they somehow make us laugh at their playoff rivals in the Cowboys again. Now that would be something wouldn’t it. PAUSE.
This crazy season has 13 playoff games on the menu for the entire country to consume whole. Whatever happens during the next month in change will feature some of the most dramatic fan reactions the league has ever seen, especially considering who is in the playoffs.
Prediction: The race for the Lombardi appears to be wide open. It feels like it’s anyone’s game and there is a tremendous mix of teams in the playoffs. All of these major storylines, tales of redemption, Cinderella Stories, cities long waiting for a champion to rally behind, and then the juggernauts who don’t care about the hype surrounding other teams. For the first time ever I’m going with my preseason pick for the Super Bowl. Baltimore vs Dallas! America’s Team against America’s Most Wanted in what turns out to be a Pennsylvania sports fan’s worst nightmare. Considering that both teams have had plenty of success over their history as well as recent playoff failures it honestly makes sense to go with that. Plus Dak and Lamar are at the top of their games complimented by talent everywhere. At least my pick at the moment is better than those that have Detroit vs Cleveland. (If that happens it’s the end of the world as we know it)
Bragging Rights Sports 