(Omar Whistle/Warriors playing)……………………………………………………………………………….
Bragging Rights Sports Presents:
A Maryland Culture Production
CHARM CITY BEASTS
The Unrivaled Themed Story of the Baltimore Ravens
In This Town, Determination, BECOMES OBSESSION!
AND THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS!
S…..O…..S!
YOU CAN’T CLIP THESE WINGS!
Lamar Jackson, Mark Andrews, Odell Beckham Jr, Roquan Smith, Marlon Humphrey, Patrick Queen, Zay Flowers, Isaiah Likely, Justice Hill, Justin Tucker, Eric DeCosta, Ozzie Newsome, Todd Monken, Mike Macdonald, Sashi Brown, Steve Bisciotti, with the Raven Brothers, and the Salty Marylander/Narrator Michael Hession.
(Season 4) Episode 15: UNLEASH THE MONSTERS! (The New Year’s Eve Massacre)
R-A-V-E-N-S RAVENS!
Allan: Whistling (HOLIDAY!) Edgar: Whistling (CELEBRATE!) Allan: Whistling (HOLIDAY!) Edgar: Whistling (CELEBRATE!) Narrator: Are you guys in the Holiday Spirit? Edgar/Allan: Whistling (Yes sir!) Narrator: That’s great, but uh, where is Poe? Marylander: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! HERE COMES ELVIS POESLEY! (Hound Dog playing) Poe: Whistling (Whats up all y’all!) Narrator: Poe why are you dressed as Elvis? Poe: Whistling (The Ravens Cheerleaders are doing an Elvis themed skit in which I will be playing the role of the King) Narrator: Ok, I like that. Edgar: Whistling (The only issue is that me and Allan weren’t included but hey we’ll have something planned for the playoffs) Narrator: Alright. Now we must go into the skit of the week. It’s all tied up, and with two weeks left it’s anyone’s game. Now whoever wins will earn 2 points. And this week it’s Mario Kart season. The rules are these. 1 race and the course is Mount Wario. Each player starts inside a helicopter, and they must go down the mountain, through the falls, into the forest, down the ski slope, and down a straight hill to the finish line. Whoever makes it to the finish line at the bottom of the mountain wins. So it looks like Edgar chose Bowser, Allan chose Mario, and Poe chose Donkey Kong. Poe, you’re going first. You wanted to take this challenge head on, so why not go first. Poe: Whistling (You bet!) “3-2-1 GO!” Narrator: The thing about this course is that the ice is super slippery so it’ll be very hard to stay on the track. (2 minutes later) Alright, a time of 2:11, pretty solid considering that Poe didn’t use any mushrooms until the very end. Poe: Whistling (Other than that long jump in the middle, I didn’t really need to use them) Narrator: Next up is Edgar playing the role of Bowser. Edgar: Whistling (ROAR!) Narrator: My only concern is that the kart you’re using is very sensitive to ice. Edgar: Whistling (Who cares) “3-2-1 GO!” Narrator: Oh lord, Edgar already fell off and we’re not even a quarter into the attempt. (2 minutes later) A time of 2:15, not bad considering that you fell off the track twice. Edgar: Whistling (Eh, I’ll take it) Narrator: So 2:11 by Donkey Kong aka Poe is the score to beat. Now let’s see if Allan can beat that time. Allan: Whistling (It’s a me, Mario!) Narrator: Ok, go get ’em. “3-2-1 GO!” The question now is, will Allan take the lead in the standings or will Poe hold him off. (2 minutes later) Well he hasn’t used the last two of those speed mushrooms, it’s going to be close! And it wasn’t close at all. Allan has taken the lead in the standings! Allan: Whistling (IT’S ALL ABOUT SPEED!) Marylander: You betcha! Poe you wanted it, and you got schooled! Poe: Whistling (It’s all good)
Narrator: Alright guys calm down, although I shouldn’t say that because of the headlines this week. After making their biggest statement away from M&T Bank Stadium in quite some time, the Boys in Purple have no time to relax. They have a grudge to settle this coming weekend. One week after Mike Florio stated that the Ravens would get the (CENSORED) kicked out of them by San Francisco, there are still those who doubt this sizzling team. One of them is Mad Dog Russo. He states that he needs to see Planet LJ play like this in the postseason. Not to mention the narrative has changed. Goodbye to Brock N Roll and CMC for MVP, Hello Tua and Tyreek. No surprise there. The only concern this week is the jet lag coming back from the Bay Area. Kyle Hamilton despite being named AFC Defensive Player of the Week re-injured his knee and has been ruled out for Week 17. Brandon Stephens and Kevin Zeitler too. No we aren’t going to blame Scott Elliott, this is because of wear and tear from all of those tough games they’ve had plus how many miles they’ve traveled. Honestly, I’m not surprised by this. (The injury bug was going to hit, and thank goodness all they need is one more win and the NFL’s version of the Presidents Trophy is theirs) You want controversy my friends well I’m here to bring it to you. Lets begin with the Ravens choice for their Honorary Legend of the Game. Before each home game, a former Raven comes out of the tunnel carrying the Ravens Shield and hypes up the crowd. This week the Legend of the Game just so happens to be Ray Rice. I know all of you are going to bring up the incident in Atlantic City back in 2014, but honestly, that’s old news. Plus if you know the history of this franchise, Rice was a special player in his prime. For a 3 year period he was as talented and as good as almost any RB in the league. In 2011 he set the franchise record for yards from scrimmage in a season with over 2000 of them, (Still a team record) and only trails Jamal Lewis on the Ravens all time rushing list. Thank goodness Flock Nation has forgiven him almost 10 years later. (As he once said, DON’T BE A JERK!) Next we have a story that is going to cause the entire Ravens fan base and Lamar fanboys to lose their minds. BOOOOOOOM! (Fox Sports Radio’s Monse Bolanos bashes Lamar Jackson’s MVP status with racist comments) Marylander: OH MY GOD! CAN THE MEDIA PLEASE STOP POKING THE FREAKING BEAR FOR ONE DAMN MINUTE! PAUSE.
(Royals by Lorde playing) Narrator: It has to be said that after all of the disrespectful comments by the media towards this team especially Lamar Jackson this is probably the most ridiculous of them all. If you believe that he should not win MVP after going into Santa Clara and blowing out the media darling on Christmas Night, then I don’t know what to tell you. Although Monse Bolanos still insists that Planet LJ shouldn’t be anywhere near a 2nd MVP. In her mind the MVP should go to Christian McCaffrey or Tyreek Hill. She brought up that Lamar had several games without a TD pass, and a few games with just one. Marylander: He doesn’t need to pad his stats, we have Gus Edwards who is money inside the 10 yard line. Guys like Josh Allen, and Justin Herbert have thrown so many TD passes inside of 10 yards. If Lamar cared about TD passes and TD runs, he would have much more than what he has. Narrator: That take is understandable because he doesn’t have the same numbers as the pretty boy from Buffalo, but this next take from Bolanos would be the key to not only victory this week but a potential deep run to the Super Bowl. Salty Marylander get ready to rage. “I want my Quarterbacks to be Quarterbacky.” Marylander: ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME! WHAT KIND OF BS TAKE IS THAT! LAMAR IS A TOP 3 QUARTERBACK SINCE HE’S 20-1 AGAINST THE NFC, HAS HAD HIS BEST STATISTICAL SEASON EVER AND YOU THINK HE’S NOT QUARTERBACKY BECAUSE HE’S A MOBILE QB! DON’T YOU EVER DISRESPECT THIS MAN EVER AGAIN! PAUSE.
Narrator: Salty Marylander please don’t go into racist mode, even though you almost did I’m giving you a warning alright. Marylander: Ok, I promise not to go deep into that. Narrator: Good, now get ready to bash the officials but in a clever way. Now to the game, where the Boys in Purple take on a team that is slowly becoming a thorn in their side. Miami. The last two years saw the Dolphins rip the souls out of the Ravens in some of the most disgusting ways possible. Whether it was being eaten alive by a play which would make the 1977 Falcons grin in delight, or whether it was blowing a 21 point lead in the 4th Quarter thanks to running out of CBs against the two fastest players in the league. (Did I mention that the 305 is kryptonite to my family regardless of what side it is) While the Ravens may be dealing with injuries on the defensive side of the ball, Miami is also coming in limping. Jaylen Waddle, and Raheem Mostert would miss the game due to injury. Plus Tua and Jalen Ramsey being banged up despite being cleared to play. The prize of this game was simple. A division title. Not just for Baltimore, but the Dolphins with a win would clinch the AFC East and take hold of the #1 seed. (A Ravens win, means the AFC North title and the #1 seed would be locked up) In the eyes of Mike McDaniel, he believed that Patrick Queen was saying that they weren’t physical enough for the Ravens instead of Queen insisting that to San Francisco. (And the media drove that narrative all week) The Dolphins while using as much motivation as possible picked up where they left off a year ago at M&T. Marching 75 yards in 4 minutes as Tagovailoa found Waddle’s replacement Cedrick Wilson for an 8 yard score. (Not a fan of the Phins red carpet celebration though) It looked like Miami would turn this contest into a track meet. “I’m gonna make it! This is the greatest feeling of my life! I’M KING OF THE WORLD! WOO HOO! WOO! WOO! WOO!” Not so fast says Lamar Jackson and the Flock! “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” Wouldn’t you guess it the Ravens came storming back with a 75 yard touchdown drive of their own. Not even a Clete Blakeman led officiating crew could stop this arsenal of an attack. (Reminder: Those refs screwed the Ravens over against Indianapolis) Then came the turning point of the game. The Dolphins again shredded Baltimore’s backup secondary before they got to the gates of the endzone. “DOINK!” Then came a rare drop by Tyreek Hill. Oooh that’s gonna sting. Yes Miami got a field goal out of it, but from that moment on, the Boys in Purple would impose their will on the battered fish.
Poe: Whistling (Hey what do you think of the dance moves I put on during the Cheerleader Skit at the end of the 1st Quarter?) Narrator: Poe, you looked really good out there. Allan: Whistling (Edgar and I were taking videos of it, it was hard to not focus on the conversation we were having) Narrator: That’s cool boys! Anyways, after both teams traded punts, Baltimore would chew up 6 minutes of clock on an 89 yard march to the endzone. The big play was a 33 yard bomb from Lamar to OBJ. Yes Boy Genius McDaniel, Odell did keep both feet in bounds. Gus the Bus would do the rest. This is where Miami goes into full panic. They know the only way they can keep up is by being aggressive and taking risks. (Especially since Planet LJ has owned Vic Fangio over the years) Going for it on 4th and 5 when all logic says to punt. Well it didn’t matter because Tyreek Hill is still the most gifted receiver in the league. But they would go no further because Tua had very few passing lanes near the goal line. With their lead trimmed to 1, the Ravens would take a page out of Miami’s playbook. Marylander: THE MONSTERS SHALL BE LET OUT OF THEIR CAGE! “Lamar, with time, going deep, looking for Flowers, he’s got him open at the Miami 30, makes the catch he’s to the 20, cuts back to the 15, SLIPS OUT OF A TACKLE! ZAY FLOWERS! TOUCHDOWN RAVENS!” (All Time Low’s reaction says it all) Edgar: Whistling (LETS GO BABY!) Narrator: Well they scored right in front of you Edgar. Good timing! Edgar: Whistling (Thanks my boy!) Now the Dolphins must play catch up. But then just before the 2 minute warning their fate was sealed. “Tagovailoa, intercepted! Picked off by Roquan Smith!” Marylander: McDaniel what the heck are you doing? You don’t have to run another play, take it to the 2 minute warning. All you have to do is not run a play. Narrator: Spot on. Sometimes these overaggressive coaches don’t know when to turn off the on switch. Now Baltimore is going to be overaggressive. They’re going for it on 4th and 7 when they’re clearly in field goal range. Fortis Fortuna Agubot! (aka Fortune Favors the Bold) “Lamar’s pass is caught, one handed Isaiah Likely, he’s to the 15, 10, 5, leaps for the pylon TOUCHDOWN RAVENS!” It’s One Hand Sunday on New Year’s Eve everyone! (Thank you Gerry Sandusky for coining that term) Plucking fruit off a tree when it’s time to feast.
Down by 15, things were starting to get out of control for Dolphins fans… THEN CAME THE 2ND HALF! Wouldn’t you guess it just like last year, the Ravens returned the opening kickoff a half deep into Miami territory, even though Justice Hill couldn’t take it to the house like Duvernay could, he still set up an easy touchdown. Someone please tell me why the Gorilla was so wide open as it is now 35-13. (Man Likely is beginning to climb his way towards being a Top TE along with Mandrews) However it’s not a comfortable 22 point lead. The Ravens blew a similar lead to this same squad a year ago and John Harbaugh knows that they need to continue to put their foot on the gas. Even if Marlon Humphrey is out for the rest of the game, the defense is still limiting any explosive plays Miami has drawn up. (Screens, go routes and wheel routes, that’s literally all the run) But then caution began to creep in. The normally sure handed Gus Edwards fumbled and Jevon Holland was Johnny on the Spot to recover it. Marylander: Ugh, this again. Narrator: It’s all good we’ll just take the ball right back thanks to Geno Stone intercepting his 7th pass of the year. However the Dolphins wouldn’t let up just yet. There’s still time for a comeback. And with the fact that Miami can score in bunches, there’s still a long way to go. See, they scored a touchdown after a hard earned 7 minute drive, but the 2 point conversion fails. General Monken all I ask is that you put the foot on the throat and knock ’em out cold. Pound it down their throats and beat them up physically. “ZOOM!” Man Justice Hill is having his coming out party. 200 all purpose yards and let the celebration of One Hand Sunday continue. “Lamar 5 yards deep, fakes the handoff to Gus Edwards, lobs to a wide open Pat Ricard! ONE HAND CATCH FOR THE FULLBACK! AND ONE HAND SUNDAY CONTINUES WITH A RAVENS TOUCHDOWN!” Raven Brothers we got a Jackson 5 on NYE! You know what to do. Edgar: Whistling (ABC) Allan: Whistling (It’s easy as 123) Poe: Whistling (LJ for MVP) Raven Bros: Whistling (ABC 123 BABY YOU AND ME!) Narrator: And we’re not finished yet! Marylander: TIME TO RUN UP THE SCORE ON THE DOLPHINS! GIVE THEM A TASTE OF THEIR OWN MEDICINE! Narrator: Yep, it was 42-19, now the Ravens would turn the storm loose. With a sack by Odafe Oweh on 3rd and long, Miami was forced into a Turnover on Downs the very next play. Then the Ravens would capitalize as Melvin Gordon scored his first touchdown of the year to make it 49-19. Poe: Whistling (Why do the monsters come out at night buddy?) Narrator: Because they love to hunt down on their enemies Poe. Next Miami possession, next Miami turnover, next Baltimore touchdown. The Dolphins botched a pitch play as Mike White gave a golden opportunity at a 50 burger for the Ravens. (Mike White helping out with a situation in Baltimore, hey I’ve seen that before) Even with Snoop Huntley now in the game, he still was able to find Charlie Kolar for his 1st NFL touchdown. “NEW RECORD!” Ladies and Gentlemen the Ravens have just set the record for most points scored in a game in M&T Bank Stadium History. (Fun fact: They ran out of touchdown flares and bottle rockets as well) Never thought that the 55 point total against the Raiders in 2012 would be broken. Not to mention the two highest point totals in franchise history have come against the Dolphins. And with that the AFC North Title in the NFL’s version of the Presidents Trophy is locked up. Quarterbacky My Ass! Marylander: THE RAVENS ARE GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL! YEAAAAAAAAAAAAH! PAUSE.
(Can’t Catch Me Now from the Hunger Games playing) Narrator: What a season it’s been for the Baltimore Ravens. The journey they’ve had to get to where they are has been unprecedented. Look at the road they’ve gone through. 14 out of 17 games against teams over 500. Playing the Lions when Jared Goff was the leader in the MVP pull, playing a Seahawks team that had won 6 of 7, playing in the toughest division maybe in NFL History based on record, playing a game in London and a game on the West Coast in a span of 2 weeks, overcoming the Schedule of Death in convincing fashion against teams like the Rams, 49ers, along with the Dolphins, and finally making mainstream media eat massive amounts of crow. The journey is not done, and there’s still a long way to go. But the Ravens have put themselves in a great position. If you want to go to Vegas in February, you gotta come to M&T Bank Stadium in the playoffs. Clinching the #1 seed and the AFC North Title while facing the NFL’s toughest schedule is a great accomplishment. But all of this will mean nothing if they don’t make it to the Super Bowl. This is probably the best chance they’ll ever get with Lamar Jackson. The 2023 squad may be the most loaded team in Raven History and that’s saying something. Even if the media doesn’t want to admit this, the AFC Title and really the Lombardi is the Ravens to lose. Cast, how do you feel? Edgar: Whistling (I’m so glad Allan and I get to be a part of this because we weren’t here in 2019) Allan: Whistling (Yeah, I’ve had so much fun this year, and I can’t wait for the playoffs) Narrator: Poe, what do you think? Poe: Whistling (2019 was amazing until the end, but what makes this even cooler is that unlike that year I get to experience this with my brothers) Narrator: Aw, that’s so sweet of you. Raven Bros: Whistling (Bro hug) Marylander: Well, this better be our year, we’ve been grinding and working hard all this time. IF WE’RE WINNING IT ALL THIS IS THE YEAR! Narrator: I hope it is. We all do. As optimism flows down the stream of the Chesapeake, SO ARE THE… “RIVAL APPEARS!” Hold that thought one minute! Where’s this coming from? Marylander: Ugh, YINZERLAND! They’re still alive in the playoff hunt! We better knock them out for goodness sake. Narrator: Yeah I agree with you. I don’t want them in the playoffs because if so they present a big threat to us. And we all know how physical this rivalry is. Anyways as I was going to say so are the Charm City Beasts. (TO BE CONTINUED)
Bragging Rights Sports 