(OMAR WHISTLE)
“THE 25TH DAY OF DECEMBER, IN THE 2023RD OF THE CREATION OF THE LORD. IN A LAND WHERE GOD, WITH NO MERCY, CREATED TWO OF THE MOST INFLUENTIAL DYNASTIES IN SPORT. 87TH GAME IN THE BAY AREA AFTER CANDLESTICK. THE 15TH GAME OF THE 28TH SEASON OF THE RAVENS. THE 29TH YEAR FROM THE MOST RECENT CHAMPIONSHIP TEAM OF THE FAITHFUL, AND THE LAST HURRAH OF THE BILL WALSH ERA EMPIRE. THE 184TH GAME SINCE THE SUPER BOWL IN NEW ORLEANS. IN THE 16TH WEEK ACCORDING TO THE LEAGUE SCHEDULE MAKERS, IN THE 104TH YEAR OF THE NFL. THE 174TH YEAR FROM THE FOUNDATION OF SAN FRANCISCO. THE 67TH GAME DURING THE REIGN OF THE EMPEROR DECOSTA. THE WHOLE LEAGUE LAYS ITS EYES ON THE 8TH ALL TIME MATCHUP BETWEEN THESE TWO POWERS. THE BALTIMORE RAVENS, THE TOP DOG IN THE AFC, WITH AN 11-3 RECORD, WITH THEIR PLAYOFF FESTIVUS CLINCHED A WEEK AGO, AND CLOSING IN ON THEIR FIRST DIVISION TITLE SINCE 2019, ARE ENTERING SANTA CLARA WITH THE CHANCE TO STAKE THEIR CLAIM AS THE BEST TEAM IN THE NFL, WITH OPTIMISM MADE FLESH! THE 2023 CHRISTMAS NIGHT CLASH ACCORDING TO THE FLESH! (BIG TRUZZ!)”
(DRUMMER BOY PLAYING)
BRAGGING RIGHTS SPORTS PRESENTS:
A MARYLAND CULTURE PRODUCTION
THE MOST RADIOACTIVE MATCHUP OF THE YEAR!
THE WEATHER OUTSIDE IS FRIGHTFUL!
BUT THE RAVENS ARE SO DELIGHTFUL!
THE BULLIES FROM THE EAST VS THE BULLIES OUT WEST!
CHARM CITY BEASTS!
THE UNRIVALED THEMED STORY OF THE BALTIMORE RAVENS
BEING DOUBTED IS THE BEST MOTIVATION!
TWO TITANS CLASH ON THE MOST HOLY NIGHT OF THE YEAR!
IT MAY BE CHRISTMAS BUT IT’S STILL SERIOUS BUSINESS!
TWO OBJECTS COLLIDE, AND ONLY ONE ESCAPES VICTORIOUS!
LAMAR JACKSON, MARK ANDREWS, ROQUAN SMITH, ODELL BECKHAM JR, PATRICK QUEEN, KYLE HAMILTON, ZAY FLOWERS, GUS EDWARDS, JUSTIN TUCKER, JOHN HARBAUGH, ERIC DECOSTA, TODD MONKEN, MIKE MACDONALD, SASHI BROWN, STEVE BISCIOTTI, WITH THE RAVEN BROTHERS, AND THE SALTY MARYLANDER/NARRATOR MICHAEL HESSION.
(SEASON 4) EPISODE 14: HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS! Ravens Edition (THE 2023 CHRISTMAS NIGHT CLASH)
HO! HO! HO!
Narrator: Wow, was that you guys banging the drums during the intro? Poe: Whistling (Oh yes, gotta come out of the blocks with a bang) Narrator: Sounds good. Looks like you guys have a tasty skit coming up this Christmas. Edgar: Whistling (We’re doing a dessert competition!) Narrator: How does that work? Marylander: Well the Raven Brothers are going to make a Holiday dessert of their choice and since I will be the judge, I’ll decide who wins. Narrator: Ok then. So who gets to go first now that we’ve turned the oven on? Marylander: Well since Allan won last week, he gets to go first. Allan: Whistling (Sweet!) Narrator: Alright buddy lets see what you got. Well it looks like he made Chocolate Pretzel M&Ms ooh that sounds tasty. Salty Marylander, what are you giving him? Marylander: 8! I love the purple M&Ms to go with it, but he may have overcooked them. Allan: Whistling (Ah, shucks!) Narrator: I hear you. Next up we have Poe, and I wonder what he’s got cooked up? Poe: Whistling (I don’t know, but you’ll find it delicious) (DING!) Narrator: Ok Poe, what is it? A Christmas themed bundt cake with a Raven on top of it, now that gets some style points. Marylander: A perfect 10. Poe: Whistling (LETS GO!) Narrator: Ok, Edgar, if you get a 10/10 you and Poe will tie Allan in the standings. Are you ready? Edgar: Whistling (Yes my boy) Narrator: Let’s cook! (DING!) Plum Pudding, um, that looks tasty and you’ve got Raven wings as the icing to go along with the Reindeer antlers on top of it. Salty Marylander, your call. Marylander: ANOTHER 10! Narrator: Oh my goodness for the first time ever in the Skit Competition we have two winners in the same week! Edgar and Poe have tied Allan in the standings with possibly a week to go depending on the outcome in Week 17! Poe: Whistling (Up top big bro!) (BOOM!) PAUSE.
Narrator: With the opening acts aside, it’s time to go over the real stories. An escape from Jacksonville and the vanquishing of the Duval Curse leads to the biggest test yet. The Ravens understand that they have massive fish to fry. Even with making several highlight plays throughout the night, Planet LJ feels that the offense could have done much more than putting up 23 points. Yes the wind played a big factor in it but let’s put it this way, it was the same for both teams. The big blow in this game was a season ending knee injury to Keaton Mitchell. Just like when JK Dobbins and Mark Andrews went down, the question hovering around Baltimore was whether the offense could replace that production. So far they have. Considering how well Isaiah Likely has played since Mandrews went down, and Justice Hill has the ability to step in when needed, who needs to be worried. Even better news is that General Monken has made it clear that the time might be coming to put up a performance for the ages Considering that both he and Lamar have held back the playbook for most of the season, I’m not shocked by this comment. Then came the news of Mark Andrews being spotted in the locker room following practice on Friday, looks like he’s getting closer and closer to a return come playoff time. As for the SOS defense, it was business as usual. Following their domination of the Jaguars and Trevor Lawrence, Mike Man and company still have their doubts. Especially with the run defense being shaky especially early in games. Macdonald calls this maturing and in game adjustments are key. (In the Jags game it worked out, as well as the Rams game in the 2nd Half) There’s also Roquan Smith declaring that this defense can match up with anybody. With the physicality that they have on display, you can make those comments all you want. (They back up the bravado in big ways eh) I wonder what the media’s take on this team is going to be going into their big clash on the other side of the country? BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! (Mike Florio among a chorus of pundits hail the Niners as Super Bowl Favorites) Marylander: Yep, you knew that was coming! PAUSE.
(Mr Grinch theme playing) Narrator: Just what I thought, the Ravens this Christmas to no one’s surprise must play the role of the Grinch. And I as well as the rest of this cast love it. Lets begin with the oddsmakers having San Francisco as high as 7 point favorites according to Vegas. I know the game is in Santa Clara but that many points? Oh come on. Kyle Hamilton, and Agent Zero agreed. Hammy called it totally disrespectful, and Roquan described this as the media having no idea who they are. Planet LJ’s response was simple. We play better as underdogs. Same with Boy Wonder Johnny Harbaugh. If there’s one thing he knows how to do it’s win in convincing fashion when no one gives them a chance. (Exhibit A: The entire 2012 playoffs) In fact he mentioned the term “Underdog” all week in team meetings. While most of the pundits predicted this to be a close game, Niners fans and the secret Mike Florio felt otherwise. In the eyes of the Bay Area they believed that this would be similar to when they blew out the Cowboys and Eagles. Spoiler alert. Baltimore is not Dallas, or Philadelphia. Florio not only picked San Fran to win in convincing fashion, he made it clear for everyone in America to see. “The quest is for 2nd place. That’s it. As long as those people stay healthy, they’re currently healthy. The 49ers kick the (CENSORED) out of the Ravens on Monday Night. The 49ers are waiting and they’re going to dismantle the Ravens.” Marylander: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! SHOTS FIRED!) OH THIS IS SUCH FREAKING DEBAUCHERY RIGHT NOW! MIKE FLORIO YOU’RE ABOUT TO EAT YOUR FREAKING WORDS ALONG WITH SOME CHRISTMAS HAM WITH MCCORMICK SPICES FOR THE SAKE OF THE FOOTBALL GODS! YOU AND THE REST OF AMERICA HAVE NO IDEA WHAT’LL HIT YOUR… PAUSE.
Narrator: Salty Marylander don’t think we’re done yet. You know how we’ve been all begging for that Week 17 game against Miami to be flexed to 4 PM or primetime? Turns out that the NFL isn’t flexing it at all. Marylander: OH COME ON! WHAT’S BEHIND ALL THIS CRAP! Narrator: Well the security situation in Baltimore on New Year’s Eve isn’t in good shape, and the amount of chaos going on just moments before midnight would be over the top. Marylander: Ok, I get that, but why didn’t they at least flex us to 4 PM? Narrator: I think you know why. Marylander: OH I KNOW WHO IT IS! IF YOU WANT TO BLAME SOMEONE AS TO WHY WE HAVE THE 1 PM GAME ON NEW YEAR’S EVE, YOU KNOW WHERE TO GO! IT’S BECAUSE OF TAYLOR SWIFT AND THE ENTIRE SWIFTIE FANBASE! WE’RE NOT EVEN NANTZ OR ROMO FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! PQ AND OBJ YOU BETTER BRING OUT KIM K, DUA AND ARI! PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOOOOOOOOOD! (This isn’t just me, every Ravens fan is blaming Taylor Swift plus the ratings of Mahomes and Kelce as to why the Dolphin game isn’t at 4 PM) PAUSE.
Narrator: Ok now, let’s get to the game. The Boys in Purple rather than staying home with their families for Christmas like most years must travel to the West Coast to take on a team that everyone has hailed as the Super Bowl Favorite. The San Francisco 49ers. A team that has steamrolled the entire NFC with ease. In all but one game, the Niners have beaten every opponent in that conference by 10 or more points. However there is a catch. They’re 1-2 against the AFC North, and their only win was against a Steelers team trotting out Matt Canada as their OC. Yes they’ve beaten Dallas and Philly, but this may be their biggest test yet. As mentioned the media has given Baltimore little chance at victory. Hell some of them were comparing this San Francisco team to their 1989 squad. Comparing Brock N Roll to Joe Montana? That’s a serious problem from how I view it. Now let’s see if they can back up all the hype. Early on they would certainly go for it. After forcing a 3 and out, The Niners moved deep into Raven territory in no time. Oh it’s going to be one of those days eh. (Hamilton theme playing) Just as I say that Kyle Hamilton steps in front of Purdy and picks him clean. Marylander: BEGIN THE CHESS MATCH! Narrator: Yep, but you won’t like what happens here. Wait for it… wait for it… Marylander: OH THIS ABSOLUTELY BS! THE OFFICIAL IS LITERALLY TRIPPING LAMAR OVER FOR A SAFETY! WHY IS THIS INTENTIONAL GROUNDING TO BEGIN WITH! PAUSE.
Narrator: REFBALL is here, and boy will the Boys in Purple not like it one bit. Why? A 4th Down stop was taken away thanks to a questionable holding penalty. Fortunately the Niners only got a field goal out of it. Now can the offense wake up? Well they did. Yes they got help from a pair of PI’s against San Francisco but they do counter with a field goal of their own. (Barry Bonds with 2 home runs, Cal Ripken follows with a 3 run homer) Then the SOS defense would take over the game. Brandon Stephens played volleyball on the next drive as he tipped a pass only for Marlo to snatch it as soon as it fell into his lap. Wouldn’t you guess it, Lamar and General Monken would take full advantage of the opportunity. Yes it took them until 4th and Goal to score, but Gus the Bus was still able to punch it in for a 10-5 lead. And the nightmare evening for Purdy would continue. “He’s got all day, looking down field, it is deflected. INTERCEPTED AGAIN!” Raven Bros: Whistling (Gee, I wish I was back in the Army!) Narrator: Yep, his head is dialing 911 and Purdy needs someone to talk some sense into him. (Why will the media never learn) 3 interceptions and we’re not even a quarter and a half into the game. But don’t worry Bay Area, there’s still plenty of time and you’re only down 13-5. See what did I tell you, the 49ers went right down the field with Christian McCaffery making a strong case for MVP. Now it’s 13-12. As predicted in this chess match, everything that one team has thrown out there, has been countered. Now how will Baltimore respond? Um, another field goal right before the half. Alright then. With 30 minutes left to go, it’s anyone’s game.
Second thought I take that back quickly. Why? Kyle Shanahan in his coaching career is 5-36 when trailing at the half. His biggest flaw was exposed. The Niners can’t play from behind in the 2nd Half. They went 3 and out on their opening drive, and the Ravens countered with a statement drive. Thanks to a late hit on the punt return, Baltimore drove only 60 yards towards the touchdown that would break the game wide open. And just when things couldn’t get worse for the fans in attendance. On the very next play, Brock N Roll would continue to get rocked by Mike Man and his crew. (Levitating playing) “IT’S PICKED OFF! PATRICK QUEEN! HE’S GOT IT! He breaks a tackle! He keeps on going! HE’S GONNA GO TO THE 10! DOWN AT THE 8 YARD LINE! Patrick Queen does it again THE 4TH INTERCEPTION OF THE NIGHT! SANTA MARIA!” Something about games like this makes him a dangerous player. Poe: Whistling (Something ‘bout, something ‘bout) Narrator: Love the Ari quote Poe. Poe: Whistling (Thanks buddy) Now we must put down the gauntlet. Take it away Joystick. “They pitch it to Gus Edwards, no it’s a fake, they throw it to the end zone! TOUCHDOWN ZAY FLOWERS!” They just went for the kill and got it. Up by 18 the Ravens now smelled all the blood in the water. Brock Purdy has been picked off 4 times and other than one possession Christian McCaffery has been contained. Baltimore is doing the unthinkable. Marching the 49ers out of Levi’s Stadium. Literally nothing that San Fran can do, can stop the Boys in Purple. Not even being backed up at their 5 yard line can cool them off. They marched all the way to the 1 yard line. But then Harbaugh chose to take the points rather than risk it all on 4th and Goal even with the big lead. Ok then.
With the 4th Quarter underway if you thought things couldn’t get any worse for the Niners it has now snowballed completely. BOOM! Purdy is down. Allan: Whistling (Just take the moon records off the shelf. I’d rather listen to it by myself. Today’s music ain’t got the same soul. I GOT THAT OLD TIME BROCK N ROLL!) Narrator: Not right now Allan. I just hope he’s ok. Allan: Whistling (My bad. But still it’s very clever) Narrator: And now Kyle Hamilton also is down with an injury. Luckily it’s not long term. Meanwhile Purdy goes out and in comes Sam Darnold. Marylander: Hey I think he was drafted ahead of Lamar. Narrator: Yes he was. Now he’s picking our defense apart because Mike Man is playing prevent. Now it’s 33-19. And worse, the Ravens went 3 and out. All I can say is that the Football Gods better not school us even if it’s Christmas. Now San Fran is marching down the field again thanks to more prevent defense being called by Macdonald. As long as they don’t score before the 2 minute warning we’re ok. (BOOM!) And they didn’t. Plus Trent Williams is also out of the game. Who knew that playing the AFC North would expose a team’s flaw. And now the qtegra to end it all. “Darnold looks to throw. He goes to the end zone it is. INTERCEPTED! Picked off by Marcus Williams! He’s gonna slide down. THAT’S THE BALLGAME!” (FULL MARYLANDER ACTIVATED! FULL MARYLANDER ACTIVATED! FULL MARYLANDER ACTIVATED!) “THE RAVENS HAVE JUST BEATEN THE SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS IN SANTA CLARA ON CHRISTMAS NIGHT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! LETS GO!” PAUSE.
(Mr Grinch theme playing) Narrator: The worst nightmare of mainstream media has come true. The Grinch that is the Baltimore Ravens has just stolen Christmas and all of their narratives about the 49ers are dead in an instant! Salty Marylander how do we feel? Marylander: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Narrator: Not surprised. You know what’s funny? This game was so dominating that ESPN had no idea what to say on First Take or GetUp. They all assumed that San Francisco would win, and they would finally get to bash Planet LJ. Instead it was the Niners who were bashed. Baltimore now holds the best record in the NFL, and have now won 9 games against teams with 500 or better records. No this isn’t 2019, this crew isn’t focused about regular season success. Look at it. The amount of MVP chants that Lamar got? He downplayed every one of them. You know he wants to win a championship and this is his best chance to do it. I don’t know who can stop this team if they play like this… (Siren alarm) “RIVAL APPEARS!” Marylander: OH GOD! WHO CAN IT BE NOW FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! BOOOOOOOOOOM! Narrator: Guys it’s Little Brother! Allan: Whistling (The Browns!) Narrator: Yes somehow some way, they’re 11-5 and they’re in the playoffs. Marylander: WHO’S THEIR QUARTERBACK! IT’S GOTTA BE DTR! Narrator: Salty Marylander, you’re not gonna believe who it is. IT’S OUR EX! Marylander: FLACCO? Although if anyone was going to revive the proud tradition of Browns Football after a 30 year decline it was either going to be him or Big Ben! Narrator: Big Ben? Marylander: Yes you heard that. If they didn’t sign Joe Cool, they would have dragged Roethlisberger out of retirement! Narrator: Now that I actually believe it because only Jimmy Haslam would have the idea of doing that. So now we may have to face them in the playoffs right back here at M&T. Poe: Whistling (What’s going on?) Marylander: Poe, our ex Joe Flacco has revived his career in the Dawg Pound thanks to a Kubiak-type system. Poe: Whistling (Wow. Good for him) Narrator: I know, it should be a likable story, but in the eyes of the Salty Marylander we shouldn’t be in awe of it. You know why? Marylander: Here’s why. Let me put it this wayTHIS TEAM IS GOING TO (CENSORED) SUPER BOWL EXCUSE MY FRENCH! I DON’T CARE ABOUT ANY OF THE NONSENSE GOING AROUND THIS FREAKING LEAGUE! THIS IS A TEAM OF DESTINY! THEY ARE GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL AND I WILL HERE NOTHING ABOUT IT! MY CASE IS CUT CLEAR! THE HOPES OF THIS CITY WILL BE STREAKING ALL OVER THE PLACE WITH MARYLAND CRAB CAKES FLOATING IN THE AIR! WE’RE NOT GOING TO BE DENIED! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Narrator: There you go. With the hopes of the Presidents Trophy being sky high, so are the Charm City Beasts! Edgar take it away! Edgar: Whistling (Ridin’ on top of the world! Ridin’ on top of the world! The pain is hopin’ there ain’t no stoppin’! Ridin’ on top of the world! LIFT YOUR SPIRITS SWING THAT GIRL! RIDIN’ ON TOP OF THE WORLD TONIGHT YEAH! COME SUGAR! OH YA! YA! YA! COME ON!) WHO’S GOT IT BETTER THAN US! NOOOOOOOBODY!
Bragging Rights Sports 