(Omar Whistle/Warriors playing)………………………………………………………………………….
Bragging Rights Sports Presents:
A Maryland Culture Production
CHARM CITY BEASTS
The Unrivaled Themed Story of the Baltimore Ravens
In This Town, Determination, BECOMES OBSESSION!
AND THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS!
S…..O…..S!
YOU CAN’T CLIP THESE WINGS!
Lamar Jackson, Mark Andrews, Odell Beckham Jr, Roquan Smith, Marlon Humphrey, Patrick Queen, Zay Flowers, Kyle Hamilton, Justin Madubuike, Justin Tucker, Eric DeCosta, Ozzie Newsome, Todd Monken, Mike Macdonald, Sashi Brown, Steve Bisciotti, with the Raven Brothers, and the Salty Marylander/Narrator Michael Hession.
(Season 4) Episode 13: Ghostbusters
R-A-V-E-N-S RAVENS!
(Magic from Ghostbusters playing) Allan: Whistling (My baby told me once, my baby told me twice, my told me three times, three times nice) Edgar: Whistling (Please, please, please, oh let me tell you something) Poe: Whistling (I believe it’s magic. (I believe it’s magic. (I believe it’s magic. Magic!) Narrator: Raven Bros what do we have here? Poe: Whistling (You mentioned last year that we hadn’t won in Jacksonville since 2001, so we decided to go Ghostbusting) Narrator: Ok. Now I see why you guys are in full uniform. Allan: Whistling (And even if it’s not shooting down ghosts, we’re playing Galaga as our skit for the week) Narrator: Alright. You know the rules. Highest score wins. Edgar, you start it off. Edgar: Whistling (Lets go)
(12 seconds later)
Narrator: Oooh, it turns out that Edgar couldn’t get out of the first phase. 10,490 is the exact score. Allan, you’re up. Allan: Whistling (Time to attack) BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! Allan Whistling (Take that spaceship) Marylander: Holy Cow what am I seeing! Narrator: What you are seeing is utter domination by Allan. BOOOOOM! Marylander: OH DOCTOR DID HE JUST GO HAM! Narrator: 63,460 points, which is incredible! Alright Poe, can you match that 9 level masterpiece? Poe: Whistling (Sure thing)
(2 minutes later)
BOOM! Well, that wasn’t what he thought it would be. And with that, Allan now is in front in the Skit Standings. Allan: Whistling (Sniper elite style!) Marylander: Sure sounds like it. Narrator: Ok ok, let’s get to the news. After their epic win in overtime against the Rams at home, the Boys in Purple now control sole possession of the #1 seed in the AFC. (You can thank the Dolphins for blowing a 14 point lead against the Titans on Monday Night) Boy Wonder Johnny Harbaugh knows that seeding at this point is all but useless. Considering that this is a team that was slaughtered by the injury bug the previous two years, he knows that nothing is guaranteed in the NFL. Especially considering that Kyle Hamilton left the Rams game early with a sprained knee. Marylander: CRUD! We cannot lose him. Narrator: I know Salty Marylander, but just give our conditioning staff a chance. Marylander: Alright then. Narrator: Speaking of the defense, they gave up 31 points to a Rams offense that had been lighting the league on fire. Which led to pundits around the country saying that the SOS Squad was indeed overrated. Mike Man’s response can best be described as we don’t listen to this crap, we’re just trying to fix issues so we can be ready for the playoffs. Luckily for his sake, and that of Agent Zero, the offense put up one of their better performances of the season in the rain. As expected Planet LJ declared this as unsatisfying. He states that we still have room for improvement. Especially with the Schedule of Death just being underway. In my opinion, there’s still a long way to go, but hey a man can dream. Now what’s the word on Kyle Hamilton? He came back to practice that quickly, and he’s going to play. My god the conditioning staff isn’t full of hacks. Marylander: ALL HAIL SCOTT ELLIOTT! PAUSE.
Narrator: In all due respect to Steve Saunders, his conditioning program would have never allowed Hammy to come back from this injury that quickly. If the Ravens had Elliott as the Head S&C Director, Lamar wouldn’t have missed the last two years, among other significant injuries to key players on the team. When you look at now, the injury bug that hurt Baltimore the past two seasons, has now shifted to the rest of the division. The Bungles lost Joe Burrow, the Browns lost Deshaun Watson, and DTR, and the Steelers are dealing with Kenny Pickett being injured and Mitch Trubisky being a bum. As long as we don’t see Snoop Huntley, we’re good. Speaking of Huntley, he gave birth to his first child during the week. (Well he named his newborn son after him as well. Clever) for those that were wondering why he wasn’t at practice this week, yeah that was why. Not to mention I work alongside one of his cousins at Penn State Sports Night. (Jez, I’m giving you a shoutout just so you know) Another acquaintance of the Ravens Organization eh. Marylander: Sounds like you know what you’re doing. Narrator: Yes I do Salty Marylander. Raven Brothers, we have rarely any injury problems, so knock on wood while you can. Raven Bros: Whistling (AH YES!) Narrator: The biggest news of the week was that the Ravens announced that they would be undergoing a massive multi-year project to renovate M&T Bank Stadium. Edgar: Whistling (What upgrades are they making?) Narrator: Edgar, there’s a bunch of them. First let’s start with the big one, which is Unitas Plaza. The objective is to build two large buildings on each side of the plaza. One building has a concert venue, open air tailgating, and an indoor sports bar. The other has a Ravens Hall of Fame museum plus hospitality areas. Edgar: Whistling (Cool) Allan: Whistling (What else is there) Narrator: The plaza won’t be ready until 2025, but next season, they’re opening a brewery on the east side of the stadium called The Gatehouse. It’s a two floor building that has bar tables on the lower concourse, and it also has a roof deck which also has bar tables. The best part is that it gives you a view of the Baltimore skyline. Allan: Whistling (OOOOOOOOH! AAAAAAAAAAH!) Narrator: On the south concourse they’re adding a giant retail store which will be close to the largest in the league when it’s done. And that is expected to open in 2026. Poe: Whistling (What about the concourses) Narrator: Yes Poe there will be wider concourses, and more features like visual transformations involving images of Ravens Legends, and memorable moments throughout franchise history. Poe: Whistling (Nice) Narrator: Salty Marylander, you’ll like this. Marylander: Yes I will, I already know that we’re building three more luxury clubs below the field to go along with the Bud Light Club in the East End Zone, plus in the West Endzone there are boxes right on the field. Narrator: Did you hear about the Blackwing Club? Marylander: YES! I can’t wait for when it opens next season! Narrator: That’s right. Man, our stadium just got cooler. All: BIG TRUZZ! PAUSE.
Narrator: For the Boys in Purple, this next game in their Schedule of Death to end the year just so happens to be in a spot that usually leads to doom. A matchup in Duval County against the Jacksonville Jaguars. For the last 22 years, the Ravens have gone winless there no matter how good they’ve been, or how bad the Jags have been as well. Although this year they might be catching Jacksonville at the right time. They’ve lost two straight games to the Bungles and Browns, and Trevor Lawrence shouldn’t be anywhere near a football field due to a high ankle sprain. But boy you can’t deny his toughness. The good news for Jaguars fans is that this week’s game is the first Sunday Night game in Duval since 2008. In that game they gave up a last minute touchdown to Hines Ward and the Steelers. Hopefully for their sake, the outcome would turn out for the better. There are a few things. Their opponent has won 7 of 8 coming in, and as you probably know EverBank Stadium has been swarmed by FlockNation… BIG TIME! “OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” It’s funny how NBC referenced the uproar of Ravens fans during the Star Spangled Banner. Enough pregame hoopla aside, the game must begin. Early on the theme of this game was very clear. The Jaguars offense would get gobs of yards on the SOS defense… until that is they got near the 30 yard line. Maybe not the first drive, but you’re about to get the point. Baltimore on their first possession straight up attacked their opposition. Short passes was the name of the game. At least until an intentional grounding penalty halted the drive. At least JT added a field goal to make it 3-0. But now let’s see what Brandon McManus can do. With 20 MPH winds blowing, his accuracy skills shall be put to the test. (DOINK!) Marylander: TAKE THAT SUCKER! HOW’S THAT FOR A CHRISTMAS SEASON TROLL! Narrator: Well guess what Salty Marylander, he’s not only going to miss one kick, he’s going to miss another one. Marylander: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Narrator: Don’t laugh too much alright. Despite both of these golden opportunities, the offense plays right into the hands of Mike Caldwell’s defense. Planet LJ was robbed by Rayshawn Jenkins on a play where it looked like he had a wide open look. Oh god, the same traps that doomed us in Duval since 01 are popping up again. URK! Marylander: Ok, calm down now, our defense is going to stop them. (Notice how the Narrator has become more animated as of late) Narrator: Well, you’re right. Trevor Lawrence tried to run for a 1st Down but he forgot one thing. Raven Bros: Whistling (FUMBLE!) Narrator: Well Arthur Maulet was Johnny on the Spot as picked up the loose ball and took it to midfield. This is where Planet LJ turns into Houdini. Despite Morgan Moses and Ronnie Stanley being overpowered by the other Josh Allen, and Travon Walker, Jackson somehow someway was able to escape all of that heat coming towards him. (How long have those two been dealing with injuries? 4 weeks at least) This time they’ve made it back to the red zone and are looking to punch it in as… Marylander: JOHN SIMPSON ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME! WHY ARE YOU RKOING A DEFENSIVE TACKLE WHEN THE PLAY IS ALREADY FREAKING DEAD! (Yes that was a flop, but still, that is a stupid idea to shove someone after the play) ARE YOU TRYING TO GIFT WRAP THE JAGS THE GAME!? PAUSE.
Narrator: It’s all good, they got a touchdown on the very next play. Now it’s going to be up to the defense to make sure Jacksonville doesn’t get anything before the half ends. That’ll be tough because the Jags have moved the ball very well despite not getting any points. Then came another edition of Doug Pederson getting overconfident with analytics. “Lawrence firing sideline, Jones! (Not him again) Holds on, no timeouts 25 seconds left. Clock runs, Jaguars are up to spike it. They’re in the shotgun?” Wait, why aren’t they playing for the field goal? “From the 5, Lawrence, complete and he’s in bounds because of forward progress.” What in the world were they thinking? Is it me or is that every time Doug Pederson coaches against Harbaugh he must make some bold decision when all momentum is in his favor. It usually backfires. Instead of the score being 10-3 at halftime, its still 10-0. Jacksonville has statistically dominated this game, yet still trails by double digits. Salty Marylander, what is going on here? Marylander: Well, you said it, they got overconfident and you can’t do that against the Ravens. Narrator: Although the good news for the Jags fans in attendance is that T-Law did take advantage of a miscommunication on their next drive. Jamal Agnew hauled in a 65 yard touchdown to make this a game again. (By the way, that’s the longest TD that the Ravens have given up all year) Normally in years past, this is the part of the game where the Duval Jinx starts to get in the head of the Boys in Purple. (SOS ALERT! SOS ALERT! SOS ALERT! SOS ALERT!) Not on this night! Baltimore’s vaunted pass rush which had been contained all game was now starting to take advantage of the opportunity to close in on the #1 seed. (Brandon Scherff getting injured was a killer for the Jags) They nearly forced a safety as Lawrence was pressured into an intentional grounding penalty. (I’m surprised that Sean Smith didn’t try to throw too many flags on this night) Given the opportunity to add on to their lead, the Ravens would do just that. The running game which had been contained in the 1st Half was now making an impact. But Gus the Bus and the Flash were quickly overshadowed by a guy who they call Plasticman. “Jackson, got out of a would be sack Keeps it alive. And flings it, into the air, it is, brought in by Likely!” Marylander: Oh my goodness, that was a gutsy play! Narrator: You bet. Now with the ball at the 5 yard line, they can just pound away with Gus Edwards to a 17-7 lead. Jacksonville, I’m sorry but you must continue the suffering. There is literally nothing that they can do to stop this machine from consuming their own stadium. BOOM! (Ravens’ Mitchell suffers a torn ACL) Oh my god! OH! MY! GOD! That’s the last thing we needed to happen. Keaton Mitchell who has been outstanding for us since he came on the scene at midseason suffers the exact same injury that JK Dobbins did against Washington in the preseason of 2021 (On Dobbins’ birthday nonetheless, illuminati confirmed). Can this string of bad injury luck please stop? Marylander: Well at least the conditioning staff had nothing to do with this. Narrator: Good. Now it’s up to Justice Hill to fill the void. (Uh, Mark Ingram, there’s room to come back buddy) So far, he’s done a good job, getting them closer to the end zone only to settle for 3. Every Ravens fan knows very well that this is the same situation that they were in against the Jags last year, although this time, Mike Man and his crew aren’t letting up. (SOS ALERT! SOS ALERT! SOS ALERT! SOS ALERT!) Marylander: We got new rules Duval, you’re not messing with us this time around! Narrator: Yeah that’ll put an end to this game. NBC can whine about a TD to Calvin Ridley that was ruled incomplete but let’s be real, they weren’t coming back. Baltimore wins 23-7 and as a result confirms the 15th Maryland Playoff Festivus. Raven Bros: Whistling (A FESTIVUS FOR THE REST OF US! BIG TRUZZ!) PAUSE.
(Ghostbusters theme playing) Narrator: For the first time since 2001, the Ravens have won a game in Jacksonville. Something about this team feels very different right now. They’ve won 8 of 9. Plus they’ve played 11 out of 14 games this year against teams with 500 or better records. This is not a fluke stretch, this is a legitimate Super Bowl Contender with a top defense, balanced attack on offense, solid coaching, and are on the cutting edge of analytics. Sorry Jaguars, we must put you out of your misery so that we can prevent any ground being given up. Up 2 games on Cleveland with 3 to play, all they need is a win and a Browns loss, and the AFC North title will be back where it belongs. However we can’t get too far ahead of ourselves. We have 3 tough games against the 49ers, Dolphins, and Steelers. Anything can happen, and who knows what drama will ensue. If they can win 2 of 3 and clinch the top seed in the conference, it’ll prove that this team is battle tested and ready to go for no matter what challenge comes their way. As the Ravens prepare to play the role of the Grinch this Christmas, SO ARE THE CHARM CITY BEASTS! Raven Bros: Whistling (WHEN YOU SEEING THINGS RUNNING THROUGH YOUR HEAD? WHO CAN YOU CALL! GHOSTBUSTERS! A CLEVELAND BROWN SLEEPING IN YOUR HOUSE! WHO CAN YOU CALL! GHOSTBUSTERS! DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO! DO DO DO DO I AIN’T AFRAID OF NO GHOSTS! DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO! DO DO DO DO I AIN’T AFRAID OF NO GHOSTS!) R-A-V-E-N-S RAVENS!
Bragging Rights Sports 