Charm City Beasts (Season 4) Episode 11: A Visit to Wonderland

(Omar Whistle/Warriors playing)……………………………………………………………………………

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CHARM CITY BEASTS

The Unrivaled Themed Story of the Baltimore Ravens

In This Town, Determination, BECOMES OBSESSION!

AND THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS!

S…..O…..S!

YOU CAN’T CLIP THESE WINGS!

Lamar Jackson, Mark Andrews, Odell Beckham Jr, Roquan Smith, Zay Flowers Marlon Humphrey, Patrick Queen, Kyle Hamilton, Jadeveon Clowney, Justin Tucker, Eric DeCosta, Ozzie Newsome, Todd Monken, Mike Macdonald, Sashi Brown, Steve Bisciotti, with the Raven Brothers, and the Salty Marylander/Narrator Michael Hession.

(Season 4) Episode 11: A Visit to Wonderland

R-A-V-E-N-S RAVENS!

(California Love playing)………………… Poe: Whistling (Chilling out maxing and relaxing in the sun) Allan: Whistling (I love being in Huntington Beach) Edgar: Whistling (Same, hey have you seen the Salty Marylander and Narrator) Poe: Whistling (They told us that they’re on their way back from the league office) Edgar: Whistling (What are they doing there) Allan: Whistling (They’re searching for the league’s script for the rest of the season) Edgar: Whistling (Oh, I see. Man I can’t wait to go surfing in just a few minutes) Marylander: WELL WELL WELL! What’s up Raven Brothers! Allan: Whistling (Do you have the scripts) Narrator: Yes, we were able to find one in the league office. Poe: Whistling (And what does the script have in store) Narrator: When the Salty Marylander and I saw this, we wanted to chuck it in the trash so badly. Poe: Whistling (What does it say) Marylander: It says that every AFC North QB will end the season on IR except for Lamar, but Lamar and the Ravens will lose in the 2nd Round with the #1 seed. The Chiefs will beat the Colts in the AFC Championship Game in order to set up Kelce Bowl II. And Kansas City will win thus meaning Travis Kelce will propose to Taylor Swift at the podium. I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS SCRIPT! Where’s one of the fire guns!? Allan: Whistling (I got one for you right here) Marylander: Thank you! (BOOOOM!) Narrator: Well it looks like the NFL wants us to lose don’t they? Anyways let’s get to the skit, and since we’re in California this week, the Raven Brothers are going surfing in the Pacific Ocean! Raven Bros: Whistling (YES!) 

Narrator: Here are the rules, the biggest one is to not fall off the board. If so, they will be eliminated. And the winner will be whoever can make it the furthest without falling off the board In the event of a tie, it will be the same rule, whoever stays afloat wins. And for safety reasons, each bird is wearing a scuba suit. Marylander: Remember when we went to the Beach Bash this spring? Narrator: Yes. Marylander: The only one that wore a scuba suit was Allan. So it looks like he’s the favorite. Narrator: I don’t know, the other two have scuba suits on as well, but they do look a lot like the swim trunks they wore during that weekend in Ocean City. Up first is the fitness major known as Edgar. And with the wind starting to kick up here in Huntington Beach, it makes the task of staying on board that much harder. Darkness, can you get us started with the air horn. Darkness: Whistling (Sure) (AIR HORN!) Narrator: Alright, Edgar is slowly getting up, and here he goes! Lets see if he’s going to do a trick, AND HE DOES A TRICK AND STAYS ON BOARD DESPITE THE 20 MPH WINDS! Edgar: Whistling (That felt really good) Next up its Poe. Who, like Edgar, doesn’t lack pure muscle strength. Poe: Whistling (Time to answer right back) (AIR HORN!) Narrator: Man that horn is loud! Anyways Poe is scanning the ocean, waiting for the right time to get up. Ooh he missed a big one to jump on, and now here he goes! He’s going to try and pull off a double flip. OH MY GOODNESS! Poe stays afloat after a double flip on a 12 foot wave. SANTA MARIA! Poe: Whistling (I was so nervous when I went up in the air, and it was like well I’ll do this anyways) Narrator: Now here comes the bird who has prepared himself very well for this event. Allan. Now you see why he brought his scuba suit with him to OC back in May. It’s because when the schedule came out, he knew that there would be a Surfing Contest. Let’s see if he can back up his expectations. Allan: Whistling (Time to go on the attack!) Narrator: Darkness if you please. (AIR HORN!) Allan is going for the big wave right away, he wants to back up his expectations, BUT DOWN HE GOES! Marylander: He chirped so much about this contest but didn’t back it up. Narrator: Well I think that’s overconfidence if anything Salty Marylander. Now it’s down to Edgar and Poe, and in this case, they’ll both go at the same time. Except one of them will have to walk down the beach a little ways. Salty Marylander, you watch Edgar, I’ll keep an eye on Poe. Marylander: Alright. Narrator: So here we go. Edgar vs Poe to determine the Surfing Skit Championship, and to see who will be tied with Allan atop the standings. Darkness, get the horn going. (AIR HORN!) Marylander: Edgar is slowly rising. Narrator: Poe scans the ocean, he’s waiting for the right time. Marylander: Edgar jumps on his board, AND FALLS OFF WHILE TRYING TO GET ON! Narrator: Poe gets up, lets see what he’s going to do, and he’s just gonna ride his way back to shore, and according to the Salty Marylander, Edgar has fallen off his board, and Poe has tied Allan in the standings! Edgar: Whistling (Man, I should have put my board right on the sand while the others were going) Narrator: Well that was a big mistake, and it showed, but hey don’t worry you still got time to even things out. PAUSE.

Now with that out of the way, we get to the headlines of the week. Coming off their vanquishing of the Bungles on Thursday Night in Week 11, the Boys in Purple are looking to create separation between themselves and the rest of the AFC North. With Joe Burrow and Deshaun Watson already being consumed by the injuries, the Ravens know that they must be very careful about protecting Planet LJ. If they don’t it’s going to lead to yet another What If season. Considering that Jackson nearly got knocked out of the game against Cincy, caution has arrived. But then Lamar told reporters that his ankle was 100%, and he’d be ready to go for Week 12. However there was one major injury domino to look at Mark Andrews. At the time of his ankle injury, it looked like he may be out for the season. As X-Rays were taken, it was revealed that there’s still a chance for him to return in the playoffs. A broken ankle usually takes 6 weeks to heal, which means he should be back by Wild Card Weekend if they end up playing then. (Hopefully they can get a Bye which would make it easier for him to return) OBJ just like the other two, Beckham injured his shoulder via a bone crushing hit by Logan Wilson but with 10 days between games should be able to make it back despite being on a pitch count. Which has me wondering, why hasn’t the NFL investigated or fined Wilson for some of those hits, especially the one on Lamar? It’s probably because the league hates the Ravens like always. In other injury news Ronnie Stanley has returned from missing the Bengals game due to a knee injury. (Not so much luck for Marlon Humphrey) I know he might be rushing his way back but when you’re being paid almost $20M a year, you must play in as many games as you can.

You may be wondering why we took the cast to California for this episode? It’s because of who the Ravens next opponent is? This week the Boys in Purple head to Wonderland aka SoFi Stadium to take on a team in do or die territory. The Chargers. Expected to be a potential Super Bowl Contender in the offseason, San Diego’s former franchise has been held back by coaching that would make cavemen look smart. Even at 4-6 the Bolts still have Justin Herbert, Austin Ekeler, and Keenan Allen on offense, plus Khalil Mack, and Derwin James on defense. (CRACK!) No such luck for Mike Williams, and Joey Bosa. With Brandon Staley’s job potentially at stake following a gut wrenching loss to Green Bay, the Chargers will do everything in their power to win and keep their slim playoff hopes alive. Luckily for them the game is in LA and it’s a Sunday Night game. However there’s one issue. (DRAMATIC MUSIC) “OOOOOOOOOOOO!” You heard that sound, SoFi Stadium has been swarmed by the Ravens Flock. Almost 30,000 of them. But that’s not surprising for the Bolts, they play basically 17 road games a year. As the game began, the Chargers attacked the SOS defense especially whenever they got to 3rd Down. However like most Baltimore games this year, REFBALL needs to make its presence felt. Exhibit A; Geno Stone decking Herbert and being innocent despite hitting him out of bounds. And on top of that the Chargers got penalized for unsportsmanlike conduct. Instead of an early 7-0 lead, they must settle for a field goal. Even better, they’re getting a chance to open up the game thanks to the defense stopping Planet LJ at midfield. However Herbert’s rocket arm had to be neutralized by the Ravens secondary. (They’ve given up the fewest big plays in the league this year for a reason) When they regained the ball, the Boys in Purple despite two holding penalties, marched down the field in no time. Then Joystick caught a 3 yard dart from Jackson to take the lead. (“Uh, False Start on Stanley” -Chargers fans) Then Mike Man and his vaunted unit would tee off on Herbert and the Bolts O-Line. Endless pressuring would force him to make uncomfortable decisions. A 3 and out would give the ball right back to the offense. They once again marched deep into enemy territory poised to go up 14-3 and… Marylander: Are you serious zebras! You’re going rule Lamar short of the 1st Down line when he clearly reached over, and you’re not going to review it. (Then they got stuffed on 4th Down because of it) Are you trying to make sure no one touches your darling in the Chiefs? Narrator: Maybe. But for now, there’s no need to worry, the Ravens defense gave the ball right back to LJ and General Monken thanks to a Keenan Allen fumble. They wouldn’t do much afterwards, but hey it’s 10-3. 3 plays later, cue another edition of highway robbery from Baltimore. Marylander: “Over the middle it’s caught by Austin Ekeler. He’s going to get knocked down, IT’S A FUMBLE! It’s a fumble! (The Chargers have turned the ball over the fewest in the league? FORGET ABOUT IT!) Lets see who’s got the ball? Ravens have it! THEY’VE GOT THE BALL AGAIN!” Narrator: PQ Run Pop! Oh was he waiting to knock the ball free for Michael Pierce to jump on it. They should be able to get another field goal, if Lamar didn’t get sacked but hey they advanced the ball back into range. (BUZZER!) Oh right, the Holy Roller Rule. The good news is that they’re still up at halftime and they’re getting the ball to start the 2nd Half.

With said opening drive in the 2nd Half, the Ravens got another field goal out of it, but once again blame those zebras for some terrible ball spotting. (Uh why aren’t you reviewing them NFL? Aren’t all 1st Down plays reviewable) It’s all good because Justin Herbert is being shut down by Mike Man’s defense. So it turns out that he has issues with elite defenses. That’s honestly believable. For now, we can sit back and watch the offense try to put this game away as (BEEP!) Marylander: Intentional Grounding penalty taking them out of field goal range. URK! Narrator: At this moment with how unlucky the offense has been due to the Bolts defensive front playing out of their minds (Khalil Mack is still a beast eh) the defense is going to get tired aren’t they? And we would be correct. For the next 7+ minutes, the Chargers mounted a 19 play drive highlighted by a 3rd and 19 hook and ladder play. (Its funny how the Bolts got burned on one in the Epic in Miami in 1981) At this moment you could say the same old same old is going to happen again involving 4th Quarter meltdowns, but then again… Marylander: “IT’S A FUMBLE ITS A FUMBLE! It’s going to be on the ground! Who’s got it? (SOS ALERT! SOS ALERT! SOS ALERT! SOS ALERT!) BALTIMORE HAS THE BALL! DOWN GOES JUSTIN HERBERT AGAIN! SANTA MARIA!” Narrator: There’s the break we needed! Jadeveon Clowney coming off the edge and ripping the ball from Herbert. Now that should put this game on ice. If only Khalil Mack didn’t run out of gas, that would be great. Instead the Bolts get the ball back, and even if Justin Herbert is banged up, it won’t stop him from coming out of this game. His 35 yard scramble helped set up a momentum turning touchdown to Gerald Everett as… Marylander: OH! BUBUBUBUBUBUBU HOLD IT RIGHT THERE! If you’re going to mock the Squirrel Dance you better win the game or else we’re roasting you on Social Media. You better back up your endzone celebration Chargers! Narrator: True. The Ravens offense needs to wake up fast. And well they have. Gus the Bus and Keaton Mitchell have been quiet all night until this moment, especially with them now getting small but important gains. But thanks to a controversial 3rd Down stop thanks to another bad ball spot Baltimore is forced to rely on JT to make this a 6 point game. (DRAMATIC MUSIC) Marylander: GOD ALMIGHTY TUCKER YOUR JOB IS TO KICK A FREAKING BALL THROUGH THE CONSARN UPRIGHTS! (Was losing Nick Moore to Season Ending IR that vital to Tucker, and Jordan Stout?) HOW ARE YOU DECLINING THIS! PAUSE.

Narrator: Once again, the defense is going to have to bail this team out of a certain disaster. The narrative of John Harbaugh saving Brandon Staley’s job is at the moment rising. (Didn’t this coaching staff save Matt Canada’s job for a few weeks thanks to getting in their own way) However Boy Wonder won’t have to worry about it. Why? HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY! The Glitch Blitz! Arthur Maulet comes off the edge and forces Herbert to make a horrible read on a 4th and 6. (If Wink Martindale is still here, they don’t have proper execution and they get burned) Now please Monken, don’t call anything stupid, all you need is one 1st Down and it’s over. Marylander: They’re going to give it to Zay Flowers. He’s got the 1st Down! (Seven Nation Army playing) HE’S GOING TO GO! 20, 10, 5, TOUCHDOWN! ZAY FLOWERS ON A JET SWEEP! HE COULD HAVE JUST LAID IT DOWN! AND THE HAY’S IN THE BARN! GOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL!!!” Narrator: I know there was controversy from the coaching staff as to why he didn’t slide so that they could take the knee, but Joystick did what he had to do. There’s no way he was going to let Lamar get roasted for only putting up 13 points against the league’s worst pass defense. Marylander: I agree. I know they got out of LA kicking and screaming despite flaws being revealed on the O-Line thanks to bad matchups, and the coaching is inconsistent but I don’t freaking care. (FULL MARYLANDER ACTIVATED FULL MARYLANDER ACTIVATED FULL MARYLANDER ACTIVATED) THE RAVENS ARE GOING TO THE CONSARN SUPER BOWL! (1-3 IN THE PLAYOFFS MY ASS! B-MORE VS EVERYBODY! FLOCK NATION DOMINATIN’ CUZ WE’RE BORED!) ALL OF THE STARS ARE ALIGNING PERFECTLY FOR US WITH EVERYONE IN THE CONFERENCE BEING DOWN FOR THE COUNT! (FULL MARYLANDER ACTIVATED FULL MARYLANDER ACTIVATED FULL MARYLANDER ACTIVATED) THIS IS OUR FREAKING YEAR! WE ARE GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL! (SOS AFC! ARIANA GRANDE > TAYLOR SWIFT! FESTIVUS SEASON!) AND I WILL HEAR NOTHING ELSE! MY CASE IS CUT CLEAR! (FULL MARYLANDER ACTIVATED FULL MARYLANDER ACTIVATED FULL MARYLANDER ACTIVATED) THE OPTIMISM IN THIS CITY WILL CONSUME THE REST OF THE NFL WITH THE SMELL OF MCCORMICK SPICES HANDS DOWN! PAUSE.

Narrator: Well that was some win I guess. My conclusion with this game is that the Ravens desperately need that Bye Week coming up. Look how exhausted some of their players were at the end of the game. When you consider that they’ve played 9 out of 12 games against teams with records better than or equal to 500, plus two games on the West Coast, and a London game, without a Bye. That’s brutal, and I mean absolutely brutal. The fact that the Ravens are 9-3 despite all of those tough games whether its opponents or location comes to show you how battle tested this team is. I know there are fans that want John Harbaugh chucked into the Inner Harbor whenever he fails, but how many other coaches would put themselves in a great spot to get the #1 seed with that gauntlet? Very few. Even with the best record in the AFC, and the AFC North dropping like flies due to injuries, Baltimore shouldn’t be resting on their laurels. I know Harbs is giving them a much needed week off from practices and meetings to be with family, but the reality is this. They have bigger fish to fry. Once their break is over, they’ve gotta get to work immediately. The Ravens so far have survived the NFL’s Toughest Schedule. And now they’re getting the “SCHEDULE OF DEATH!” (BOOM!) All 5 of their remaining opponents may very well be heading to the playoffs. In Week 14 they’ll get the LA Rams at home, and even if on paper its the weakest opponent, they have won 3 straight and are all of a sudden in control of their own destiny for a playoff berth. (And they still have the core of their Super Bowl team from 2021) In Week 15 they get Jacksonville, in Duval County on Sunday Night Football, the Ravens have not won there since 2001. Off! Week 16, San Francisco in the Bay Area on Christmas Night in a potential Super Bowl Preview. The Niners have clobbered almost every single opponent they’ve faced this year. (Although they do struggle against the AFC North for some reason) Week 17, the much anticipated rematch with the Dolphins, and knowing the NFL that game on New Year’s Eve is getting flexed to Sunday Night Football considering that the game could be for the #1 seed. (A 2nd Blackout would be FIRE!) And Week 18. The Steelers in a game where Pittsburgh could be playing for a playoff spot, and potentially the division depending how things go. This schedule rivals their final five games in 2012. (The Ravens faced the Steelers, Redskins, Broncos, Giants, and Bengals. All playoff quality teams at the time) And if you have issues in those games, the media will write you off. If the Boys in Purple want to make sure they get a chance to avenge their loss in 2019 as the #1 seed, it starts now. As the false hope continues to consume Flock Nation whole. SO ARE THE CHARM CITY BEASTS! Raven Bros: Whistling (LA! LA! LA! I LOVE! I LOVE! LA! LETS GO! LA! LA! LA! I LOVE! I LOVE! LA!) “You go on the road against a damn good team, that is absolutely desperate. A desperate man, willing to do everything to get a win. And when you get a win on the road, which has been a long road on the road for us guys. Something special is going on, we gotta build on it.”