(NFL Films Dark Predictions playing)
BRAGGING RIGHTS SPORTS PRESENTS
A MARYLAND CULTURE PRODUCTION
“THE GREATEST ATMOSPHERE IN THE NFL”
“FOOTBALL’S VERSION OF PROM NIGHT”
“ALL EYES ON BALTIMORE”
“THE MEN IN BLACK”
“M&T DEFENDERS”
“NIGHT GAME HELL”
“THE WORLD’S LARGEST OUTDOOR INSANE ASYLUM”
“THE NIGHT OF NIGHTS”
CHARM CITY BEASTS
THE UNRIVALED THEME STORY OF THE BALTIMORE RAVENS
LAMAR JACKSON, MARK ANDREWS, ODELL BECKHAM JR, ROQUAN SMITH, MARLON HUMPHREY, PATRICK QUEEN, GENO STONE, KYLE HAMILTON, KEATON MITCHELL, JUSTIN TUCKER, ERIC DECOSTA, OZZIE NEWSOME, TODD MONKEN, MIKE MACDONALD, SASHI BROWN, STEVE BISCIOTTI, WITH THE RAVEN BROTHERS, AND THE SALTY MARYLANDER/NARRATOR MICHAEL HESSION. GUEST APPEARANCES BY CAPTAIN WIN-CINNATI, PRINCESS ROYAL TIGER, AND WHITE BENGAL
(SEASON 4) EPISODE 10: 2023 BLACKOUT TWO PART SPECIAL: DATE WITH DESTINY
ARE! YOU! READY! FOR! RAVENS! FOOTBALL!
(Cincinnati, OH)
Captain: Patience fellow Bengals fans, soon we shall wreak the havoc you crave. Soon we shall have the power we deserve. Soon the City of Baltimore shall bow before their new masters. JOEY B AND THE CINCINNATI BENGALS! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Princess: DADDY! COME HERE PLEASE! Captain: Uh, what do you want from me? Princess: I know we’re going to the Bengals game in Baltimore on the 16th, but I don’t have anyone to go with to occupy the extra ticket we bought. Captain: Did you ask your friends? Princess: Yes, but all of them can’t go. Plus this is labeled as the NFL’s Version of Prom, which means I want a date. Captain: Ok, I don’t know how you’re going to find one in Baltimore. Princess: The game is less than a week away, AND I NEED A DATE! ESPECIALLY SINCE WHITE BENGAL IS GOING WITH HIS FRIENDS! AND YOU’RE GOING TO FIND ME ONE! Captain: Alright, you know I’ve got a few tricks up my sleeve when it comes to that. Princess: Yes, give me someone who I can treat like a toy, I want someone handsome, popular, open minded, and cool to be with. Someone who will bow down to our might at first hand. I WANT…
(Baltimore, MD)
Edgar: Whistling (Check) Marylander: Come on Edgar, you’re killing me with those bishops! Edgar: Whistling (I can’t help it!) Marylander: Not so fast my man! Come and get me! Edgar: Whistling (CHECKMATE!) Marylander: UGH! Edgar, you outsmarted me big time. Narrator: Hey who won the chess match? Edgar: Whistling (ME!) Narrator: Nice work Edgar! Well it’s Skit Time everyone! Marylander: Already? Narrator: Yes, Salty Marylander, we gotta get one of these out of the way early. Right now all three Raven Brothers are tied at 3 wins apiece, and today in honor of Military Appreciation Weekend at M&T Bank Stadium we’re bringing out the tanks! (Roundball Rock) Marylander: What exactly do you mean? Narrator: You know how in Wii Play there’s that game where you must shoot down the CPU tanks? Marylander: Yeah. Narrator: That’s what we’re playing today. Up first is last week’s winner Sergeant Edgar fresh off schooling the Salty Marylander in chess just moments ago and looking to build on his momentum. (Get it because the Raven Bros are dressed as military sergeants) The rules state this. Whoever makes it the furthest in terms of levels wins. You have 3 lives each to boost your health. To advance you must shoot down every CPU tank in that level. In the end if there is a tie there will be a playoff and it’ll be just like in regulation. Anyways cue the Royal Trumpets. (“DO DO-DO-DO DOOOOOOOOO!”) Take it away Edgar! So the first level is easiest because there’s only one tank to shoot down. BOOM! And there it is. Edgar is past the first hurdle.
(A few moments later)
Edgar has made it to Level 9 which is impressive (“DO DO-DO-DO DOOOOOOOOO!”). He gets to deal with 6 tanks coming after him. AND HE GOES DOWN! So he gets through 9, and right now that’s the score to beat. What do you think, Salty Marylander? Marylander: Edgar refused to go down; he lost two early hearts and managed to get to Level 9 before falling. Narrator: It’s not easy when you lose lives in the first three levels. That’s always a rough blow. Now we shall see if Allan can keep up. Marylander: I think he can. We saw it in Big Buck despite him getting mauled by the lion. Narrator: True that. Anyways, Royal Trumpets, do your thing. (“DO DO-DO-DO DOOOOOOOOO!”) BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! 7 STRAIGHT LEVELS AND ALLAN IS STILL AT 3 LIVES LEFT! (10 minutes later) BOOM! And that’ll do it, Allan gets to Level 11 my oh my, that’ll be a tough one to beat. Marylander: Hey Poe, you ready? Poe: Whistling (Let’s do this) Narrator: In addition to the camo pants you’ve got his Lasso glasses on again. Poe: Whistling (The sun was too bright for me) Now can you beat Allan’s mark of getting to Level 13. Trumpets! (“DO DO-DO-DO DOOOOOOOOO!”) BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! He’s through 6, and he’s got only 1 life left. (12 seconds later) BOOM! DOWN HE GOES AND ALLAN HAS TAKEN THE LEAD IN THE SKIT STANDINGS! Allan: Whistling (Yipee!) Marylander: Allan, you lost in Big Buck, but you’ve said it many times, that if we get a shooting game again, I’d win. What did it take for you to deliver on that prediction? Allan: Whistling (Its confidence. That’s the best way I can describe it. Not only that but you gotta be positive about it too) PAUSE.
Narrator: With the skit aside for now, we get into the details. Following a blowout win against Seattle, the Boys in Purple have been proclaimed the best team in the NFL. (DRAMATIC MUSIC) Yep, and that sound says it all. Anyways if you’re wondering who’s responsible for the musical sounds in this series, I’d like you to meet our DJ who’s been hidden since Season 3 of Charm City Beasts. His name is Lil Poe. Crowd: YEAAAAAAH! Narrator: His real name is Darkness but since he’s the younger cousin of the Raven Brothers and he’s our DJ that’s why he has that nickname. Darkness, what goes into making the sounds of this series? Darkness: Whistling (Its timing, its being open minded, and its recognizing the situation) Narrator: Man you have a high whistle, but I agree with your takes. Out of all the tracks you play for us during this series, which one stands out. Darkness: Whistling (I’d say a couple of NFL Films tracks, like the one we’re using during the opener, as well as the theme from League of Legends) Narrator: Sounds nice. Anyways, I’ll let you get back up there so we can continue the show, Lil Poe. Darkness: Whistling (Sure thing) Narrator: As mentioned the Ravens are right now the most complete team in the league, but there need to be things fixed. One being fumbles. They had three of those last week, and two of them were lost. General Monken’s words were simple. We need to take care of the ball. Harbs agreed. Boy Wonder knows that in close situations, they’re gonna need to take better care of the ball. As for the defense, it’s still an SOS special, putting teams out of their comfort zone. Even better news, Marcus Williams is coming back from injury, still no news on Ojabo, and Tyus Bowser. The biggest headline this week was Planet LJ and his status as a first rate NFL QB. TJ Hoosmanzadeh went on a rant on FS1 saying that Joe Burrow is not only better but that Ravens WRs would agree with him. Uh, way to not read the room. What’s even funnier is that… Marylander: MYLES GARRETT DOUBLED DOWN ON IT HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (If you’re going to make that comment, you better back it up) PAUSE.
All jokes aside, this week’s matchup for the Boys in Purple is of critical importance. It’s against their longtime punching bag in the Browns. The Ravens crushed them in Cleveland in Week 4 but there is something we need to take into consideration. Deshaun Watson. Unlike that game, he’s stated that he’s ready to play against Baltimore. Considering that he’s been god awful against the Ravens in years past, this may be his chance to end the narratives against him quite like the rest of the team. Cleveland has been flying under the radar which is surprising because they’re normally the ones being hyped up. Instead it’s they who are the ones being doubted. (Football’s version of the Maple Leafs being slept on. Something we haven’t seen in a long time) Early on those experts would be proven correct. (Hamilton theme playing) Right off the bat I might add! On his first pass of the game Watson was picked off by Kyle Hamilton. Narrator: Pick 6 and its 7-0. On the next drive, Cleveland would do little if anything, and the Ravens would get the ball and take full advantage. Marylander: KEATON MITCHELL YOU ARE RIDICULOUS! Narrator: I know right. In just 10 NFL carries he has three runs of 40+ yards. Poe: Whistling (This should be another blowout, nothing’s gonna stop us now!) BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! Marylander: Well then. PAUSE
Narrator: As soon as we think this will be stomping, the Browns put together a nice drive. Too bad it ended in a field goal because the SOS defense happened. The Ravens march into Browns territory again only to be stuffed on a 3rd and 5. But Tucker was able to make it 17-3.. The question that I’m wondering right now is why is this game not turning into a blowout despite the Ravens getting so many opportunities. Well you can thank Justin Tucker for somehow missing a 40 yarder that is. (WAKE UP JT!) The Browns respond to this missed field goal with a successful one of their own. Baltimore looks to return the favor, but Planet LJ is contained on a 4th and Short, but wait! BEEP! Cleveland doing Cleveland things by getting in their own way. Thank goodness because that allowed Tucker to get another chance, and it was blocked. Marylander: OH COME ON NOW WE HAVE SPECIAL TEAMS ISSUES! Cleveland took advantage of a short field and cashed in for another 3 points. As they get the ball back, Planet LJ gives the Browns a golden opportunity to tie the game before halftime. But luckily they can’t go far because Watson got knocked out of the game. Marylander: Oh good, now we get to deal with PJ Walker, time to pack this game in. Narrator: Don’t say that yet Salty Marylander.
As the 2nd Half began, the domination that Cleveland showed in the 1st Half other than the first five minutes was put on hold. That’s because OBJ broke loose for a 40 yard touchdown. Well he did say this week that when he scores TDs they come in bunches. Hopefully this is the play that opens up the game. However a certain guy named Watson is about to pull a Big Ben. No, not in the massage department but on the field. All of a sudden it’s like he transformed back into his days at Clemson. They chewed up 10 minutes of clock on a 17 play drive. Key 3rd Downs and angry runs a plenty. (Wait, am I saying this right. Deshaun Watson isn’t trash anymore?) And then Kareem Hunt caps off the drive with a hard earned TD. And they’ll get the 2 point conversion. It’s at this moment, where Myles Garrett turns into the Incredible Hulk. After being contained all day, which is insane because Morgan Moses is out due to injury Garrett finally makes his presence felt. Marylander: NOW WHAT! Narrator: Back to back sacks. Sorry Salty Marylander. But hey don’t worry, we just got a fresh wind of momentum jolted into us. Cue the music, Lil Poe! HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY! (Gotta love the beats Darkness drops) James Proche this is why we cut you in August. To be fair he didn’t have his eyes on the ball when signaling for a fair catch. And Devin Duvernay was Johnny on the Spot. Now this game should be put on ice. But then the one element that has been commonplace all day comes into play again. REFBALL! After getting a golden opportunity to open up the game, the Boys in Purple stall out thanks to a stingy Cleveland defense. BEEP! “Holding, defense #0” Browns gonna Brown. Lovely. And they’ll score on the very next play. BEEP! “Holding, offense #64” The ultimate makeup call. Once again, the Ravens are held for three plays, plus Planet LJ played into their hands with an interception. BEEP! “Holding, defense #6” Really Browns, you’re going to celebrate that interception when it’s all for not? What morons. Now the Ravens make this a 2 TD game again.
In a game where the Browns have dominated in almost every statistic, they still trail by 14. It sounds great, but we got bad news. BOOM! Oh no, oh no. Please don’t tell me this may be a career ender for Ronnie Stanley. He got rolled up the wrong way. Luckily it was only a minor knee injury, but he probably will have to miss the TNF game. That and Marlon Humphrey left the game with an achilles injury. Still, the Ravens have this game in firm control. We think. Once again, Deshaun Watson must turn back the clock to the 2016 CFP National Championship. Thanks to the Angry Run of the Week from David Njoku running all over Geno Stone, the Browns are right back in this game… AGAIN! And even more bad news hit the Ravens. BOOM! You’ve gotta be kidding. They’re already without both starting tackles, now Zeitler is injured? Is this deus ex machina coming from the Jungle again? (Every time the Ravens have had injuries this year it’s always been right before the Bengals games) Now they’re missing 60% of their starting O-Line against the best defensive front in the league. It’s a big reason why they haven’t been able to do anything in the 2nd Half running the ball. How can this get worse? “DEFLECTED PICKED OFF! AND TAKEN BACK BY NEWSOME!” (Man those commentators were very pro-Browns/pro-New Frontier in this game weren’t they) This is absolute torture. As mentioned this is what happens when both starting tackles are injured. (To be fair, Cleveland’s missing both of theirs, but they at least have better backups) You get exposed and it leads to disaster. (This is exactly how they lost to Indy and Pittsburgh. The O-Line getting absolutely exposed due to injuries and bad matchups) Lamar didn’t do himself any better, but was it really his fault when that throw was perfect right before the tip? Luckily for the fans in attendance they missed the extra point. (Only in Cleveland)
Think about it, the Browns have dominated this game from Minute 6 on, and they’re still trailing. They should be destroying the Ravens right now like in most matchups over the years that they’ve lost. (Stalling three times in the red zone plus REFBALL will do the trick) Luckily Watson, and Dustin Hopkins are getting another chance. Why? Because the Ravens O-Line has been exposed by Myles Garrett all game long. (He’s playing on a level that hasn’t been seen since by an edge rusher 21 TJ Watt and 01 Strahan) BOOM! Marylander: Thank goodness the SOS defense finally showed up. It’s 3rd and 19 deep in Cleveland territory, there’s no way Watson is converting this. I don’t care if he’s had a perfect half. “Watson sets, he throws, and it’s complete.” Narrator: How the hell did they convert that? It comes to show you that there was a reason why Jimmy Haslam gave him the biggest guaranteed contract in league history. Marylander: OH MY GOD! I FEEL LIKE I’M WATCHING BIG BEN OUT THERE WITH ALL OF THE ESCAPED SACKS HE’S GOTTEN AWAY FROM! AND CAN THEY PLEASE MAKE A FREAKING TACKLE WITH NEEDING HELP TO DO SO! Narrator: I’m with you. Now they’re in field goal range, and all we can do is watch. All we can hope for is that Dustin Hopkins misses this kick. “Hopkins from 40, for the win, (Death Music in Super Mario 3D Land playing) it is GOOD!” Narrator/Marylander: crud. PAUSE.
Narrator: That’s as tough a blow as you’ll get on a given basis. I should go for the whole “You blew a 15 point lead against Little Brother” angle, but honestly the Ravens were just outplayed from start to finish basically. For the final 55 minutes of the game, it was clear that Cleveland was the better team, and unlike previous years they didn’t crumble and finally took a massive bite out of that dragon. They dominated the line of scrimmage unlike previous meetings against Baltimore, and by the end the amount of imposing of will they showed in the 2nd Quarter, really carried over. (They even beat REFBALL and that’s saying something) It says less about the Ravens, and more about the Browns. If Watson keeps playing like this, it pains me to say this but the narratives may be over. He played a perfect game in the 2nd Half, and a lot of it wasn’t even Mike Man’s fault. At least 5 times Deshaun escaped a sack only to pick up a 1st Down. Plus that Dawg Defense is the modern day version of the 1985 Bears. Myles Garrett backed up his talk. And even though his take on Burrow/Lamar hasn’t been proven because the two QBs play on Thursday Night, he’s still making his case for DPOY. The only good news about this loss is that Cincinnati didn’t win either. Remember that Texans team that gave the Ravens fits in Week 1? They went into the Jungle, and silenced their doubters! Now with that being said both teams will be desperate going into Thursday Night. I never thought I’d say this, but Cleveland, you earned this win, you put the talking heads of 105.7 the Fan, and 98 Rock back in their places. I wonder what the Raven Brothers are doing? Edgar: Whistling (Take that, you can’t stop my corner blitz Allan) Narrator: Aw, you guys are playing Madden while snuggling together. Who’s playing? Poe: Whistling (We’re doing a Madden Tournament, Edgar and Allan are playing each other, and I’m facing Darkness) Narrator: Oh nice! Sounds like you guys needed some positivity after watching the game winning kick go right in front of you.
(RING! RING! RING!) Uh, why is there a call signal on the TV? Salty Marylander, this is an unknown caller, should I answer it. Marylander: I’d say give it a try, maybe it’s one of the marketing guys for the Ravens. Narrator: Alright then. Captain: HELLO THERE CHARM CITY BEASTS! Narrator: CAPTAIN WIN-CINNATI! I knew you would try to hack into our internet and try and get a hold of us! Captain: How do you feel about your loss to the Browns? Narrator: Not good, by the way didn’t you just lose to the Texans? Captain: Yes, but Joey B threw for almost 400 yards and the refs screwed us over! Narrator: Yeah well you still lost, now you gotta retool everything in 4 days. Captain: Who cares you guys are scrubs! Marylander; SCRUBS! WE HAVE A +113 POINT DIFFERENTIAL AND ARE 7-3! Narrator: Sorry this is the Salty Marylander, he’s a little over reactive if you can’t tell. Captain: Yes I feel the way he does. Narrator: Tell me this Captain, WHY ARE YOU CALLING US!? Captain: I heard that your annual Blackout game is coming up, and we’re here to spoil your party! Narrator: If you’re going to talk that much crap you better be able to back it up! Captain: Oh we will! Not to mention I’m going to make you do as I tell you. Marylander: WHAT? YOU CAN’T DO THAT! Captain: Well yes I can, sunny! I GOT DEMANDS FOR YOU AND YOU’RE GOING TO LIKE THEM! Narrator: You’re really going to treat us like a toy? Captain: Yes. Narrator: THEN TELL US WHAT YOU WANT! Captain: My demands are simple, the City of Baltimore will declare Joe Burrow ruler, the Ravens will surrender, and Michael! Narrator: Yes? Captain: Will take this lovely young lady as her date to Football’s Version of Prom Night. Princess: HI MIKEY-POO! Narrator: YOU AGAIN! YOU’RE THE SAME GIRL I INTERVIEWED LAST SUMMER! Poe: Whistling (Boss, who is this girl?) Narrator: Poe remember when we interviewed fans from around the AFC North in 2022? This was the Bengals fan I was interviewing with about Joe Burrow. Uh, what’s her name again? Captain: Her name is Princess Royal Tiger, AND YOU WILL BE HER DATE TO THE GAME ON THURSDAY! Narrator: NO! NO! You’re not telling me what to do! I’m already going with my squad and I don’t want to fall for your insufferable nonsense! YOUR GOING DOWN ON BLACKOUT NIGHT! Captain: Don’t make me and my daughter come raid your headquarters BECAUSE WE’LL DO IT! Narrator: Darkness, please unplug the power cord! Captain: I WILL DO IT! YOU BETTER BE READY! (BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!) Darkness: Whistling (All clear Boss) Narrator: Thank you Lil Poe. Marylander: So are you going to listen to the Captain’s demands? Narrator: NO! I’m not listening to their cool kid nonsense 3 years in a row! I’m not going to this game as Princess Royal Tiger’s date, I’M NOT! Especially since I’m in a bad mood after what happened today! Edgar: Whistling (What’s the plan then?) Narrator: I’m going to the Blackout with you guys, and luckily Edgar I ordered all of you guys ski caps to wear just in case it gets a little chilly. Poe: Whistling (That’s great!) Narrator: I know right. Marylander: You and I are going sleeveless right? Narrator: Yeah, it’s gonna be like 50 degrees, not too cold. All I can say is they better not come and try to hack into our headquarters. Because if they do we will tell them to leave shortly afterwards. Allan: Whistling (Sounds like a plan) Narrator: Alright guys, why don’t we take a water break for now because we still have another part left of this. Poe: Whistling (SWEET!) Narrator: Poe I think you’re going to play a big part in this. Poe: Whistling (I’m so excited!) Narrator: Love the energy. Folks, don’t go anywhere we’ll be right back, ON CHARM CITY BEASTS!
Sidenote: Before we continue with this two part special I’d like to give a quick shout out to the sponsor of today’s episode. Penn State Sports Night. Gobs of coverage on all things PSU Sports, updates as well as throwing in Professional Sports content once every couple of weeks. Being a part of this crew has been a ton of fun and I can’t wait to see what we have in store the rest of the year. We also like to have fun on recording nights don’t we. (The producers are kinda rascals but hey it’s college life) Anyways I’d like to thank them for sponsoring this Blackout 2 part special. PSU’s finest sports coverage is a click away so why not give them a sub. The YouTube link will be shown at the end of the episode. Anyways, let’s get back to the action!
Narrator: (Here to Stay by Knives at Sea playing) In our everyday lives regardless of the situation nothing ever comes easy. When you live in rough times it makes it sound even more daunting than it already is. When you find yourself in a time that makes you afraid of the uncertainty of future events. Always think about the positives and what makes you upbeat even when the emotions get to you. Coming across problems both in and out of your control no matter where you go. Either destroys your confidence or makes you hungrier to the highest degree. Life is often a kick in the teeth for those who aren’t tough enough to deal with adversity. You think you have an easy road and then reality smacks you in the face like a sledgehammer. That reality either gives you PTSD and you’re afraid of it, or it tells you to work harder 24/7/365. You must learn from your mistakes to finally achieve the goals that you work so hard to obtain. When you are tested by that fire that flows through your mind at rapid speeds. You are breathing new life into yourself and those around you who are searching for hope. And most importantly, don’t ever let that take away the things you’ve accomplished. Because what we do in our hard-working lives every single day, echoes an eternity. Since 2004, this setting has been the most radioactive event in the NFL outside of Thanksgiving Day and the Super Bowl. And teams that enter must deal with every single disadvantage thrown against them. This game describes the excitement of being a Ravens fan. And last week may have been rough, but it shall be overcome. When you’re tested by fire, YOU FEAR NO ONE! AND NOTHING IS EVER GONNA HOLD YOU BACK! M&T BANK STADIUM AND PRIME VIDEO! WELCOME TO THE GREATEST SHOW IN THE NFL! THE BLACKOUT!!!
Marylander: Way to set the scene Boss! Isn’t that the poem that was read during the Orioles Playoff Stream. Narrator: Yeah. Marylander: Cool because it’s very uplifting and describes the emotions of Ravens fans right now. Narrator: And oh look at the Raven Brothers, all dressed in black from head to toe. Cue the music! Darkness: Whistling (GOTCHA!) Raven Bros: Whistling (HERE COME THE MEN IN BLACK! M&T DEFENDERS! HERE COME THE MEN IN BLACK! THEY WON’T LET YOU REMEMBER!) Narrator: Very catchy! Marylander: Get hyped boys! Raven Bros: Whistling (LETS GO!) Narrator: Alright calm down, let’s get to the headlines. After getting bodied for the final 55 minutes against the Browns (Cleveland ends the narratives, but at what cost) the Ravens were once again criticized by the media. The first take was that they don’t have a closer on defense. Uh, Roquan? PQ? Hammy? You’re saying that they’re not closers Orlovsky? That’s like saying Felix Bautista was sus before he suffered Tommy John. The common one was that they can’t be trusted as a Super Bowl Contender. Marylander: UGH! We’ve heard that basically every year since 2000! Narrator: I couldn’t agree more. You know what’s funny? People said this about the Ravens last year the week leading up to the Blackout. Marylander: I know, Stephen A had the coldest take of them all. Narrator: Him saying that the Ravens defense was trash. That lit a fire in them big time didn’t it?f Marylander: Sure it did.
Narrator: Speaking of Blackout Week, the players were asked by reporters all week about their take on it. Boy Wonder Johnny Harbaugh called it a setting that not many can counter. Others said it was their favorite game of the year because of the energy. The best response came from Planet LJ. (SexyBack playing) He called the Blackout uniforms sexy. Allan: Whistling (I’m bringing SexyBack!) Edgar/Poe: Whistling (YEAH!) Allan: Whistling (The Mother Boys don’t know how to act!) Edgar/Poe: Whistling (YEAH!) Narrator: Alright, alright, I love your skit but we’re limited on time here. Lamar also said that the Blackout is an electrifying atmosphere that is awe inspiring to see. Well Eric DeCosta saw what Penn State did with the Whiteout, and wanted that for himself. (Well he got his wish beginning in 2019) The only issues this week were some minor injuries. Ronnie Stanley being put as inactive is tough, but it’s not the worst case long term. Marlon Humphrey has been dealing with a calf strain, but he may give it a go depending on how he feels. Other than that, no other concerns. (More on Cincy’s injury list later)
Hold on one second, oh I see Allan and the Salty Marylander are playing NBA2K. Who is who. Marylander: I’m the Warriors, and Allan is the Mavericks. Narrator: Interesting. I see that Allan must really love playing as Luka Doncic. Allan: Whistling (Everytime he pulls one from 3 you know it’s going down. Watch, SPLASH!) Narrator: Nice, well it’s tied up, so it feels like anything can happen. (Door Bell: Ding Dong!) I think that’s the delivery for the ski cap package that I ordered for the Raven Brothers, so I’m going to go get the box. Marylander: Alright then. Narrator: Man those caps are going to look so cozy on the rascals as AAAAAAAAAAAH! Princess: YOO HOO! MIKEY-POO THE PRINCESS HAS ARRIVED! MEOW! Narrator: WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING HERE!? Princess: We had a date. Narrator: I never said yes. Princess: Well here you are, time to make up your mind. Narrator: First of all you look gorgeous tonight, second of all I’m busy right now, and third of all, HOW DID YOU KNOW WHERE THE HECK OUR HEADQUARTERS WERE! Princess: I looked up your headquarters on Google Maps, so I asked a limousine to drive me there to pick you up. Narrator: Really, you pulled out the orange carpet for this. Princess: Yes I did. Now take my hand and walk with me to the limo. Narrator: Uh can you excuse me for one second…… GUYS STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING! WE’VE GOT AN INVADER AT THE FRONT DOOR! Marylander: IS THIS THAT GIRL YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT! Narrator: Yes……. And I’m back. Princess: What were you doing? Narrator: I needed to take a bathroom break, but I’m fine now. Raven Bros: Whistling (HOW DARE YOU TRY AND STEAL OUR LEADER!) Princess: I don’t speak bird. Narrator: What they’re saying is that how dare you try and steal our leader. Princess: Well if I can’t, I know who will. Captain: THATS ME! Narrator: CAPTAIN WIN-CINNATI! YOU SENT PRINCESS ROYAL TIGER ON A MISSION TO KIDNAP ME THIS WHOLE TIME! Captain: Yes I did. Now you’re not wearing that to the game. Narrator: First of all, it’s our event, and we make the rules. Captain: As I said when we called you, YOU BETTER LISTEN TO OUR DEMANDS! Narrator: I don’t care if you’re wearing a suit and the Princess is in a prom dress, I’m not dressing up by any means necessary. Captain: Well then you’re coming with us. Take him away. Narrator: HEY GET THE HELL OFF ME! YOU CANNOT DO THIS TO ME! SALTY MARYLANDER! START THE CAAAAAAAAAAAAR! PAUSE
Marylander: We’re taking two cars. Poe, you follow that limo, everyone else come with me. Poe: Whistling (Did they split up?) Marylander: On my tracker it’s showing that the limo is going down I-83, and the Captain is going down I-695. Edgar: Whistling (Interesting) Allan: Whistling (Should we bring the water guns?) Marylander: Yes, bring the fire guns too just in case. Darkness: Whistling (SWEET!) Marylander: CHAAAAAAAAAARGE! PAUSE.
Narrator: Normally we would do a recap of the game based off of my narration but since this is a special episode, we’re going to have a highlight reel of the 2023 Blackout game at M&T Bank Stadium between the Ravens and Bengals while we act out the battle between the main cast and the invaders from Cincinnati. All I can say is that the Princess is going to drive me bonkers isn’t she? PAUSE.
(Inner Harbor)
Marylander: Hey Poe! Poe: Whistling (Yeah, buddy) Marylander: What are you doing inside the control room of the Amazon truck? Poe: Whistling (I’m just trying to enjoy myself) Marylander: You do realize our master is being kidnapped by Princess Royal Tiger. Poe: Whistling (Oh right I need to get out of here fast) Marylander: All right, you do you.
(M&T Bank Stadium
Princess: We’re here, I’ve been waiting for this since September. Narrator: Really? Princess: Now take my arm, and lead me in. Now can you give me a smile? Narrator: Uhhhhh… sure? But you’re in our house, and you must follow the rules. “HERE COME THE RAVENS!”
(Inner Harbor)
Marylander: CAPTAIN WIN-CINNATI! WE’VE GOT YOU RIGHT WHERE WE WANT YOU! Captain: Oh do you. (BOOOM!) Darkness: Whistling (AAAAAAAAAAAAH!) “Andrews slip move, takes it inside the 5 yard line. The Tight End, and Andrews is hurt.” (Really, Mark Andrews is out for the year. CRUD!) Marylander: Now you’re getting it! Edgar, Allan! Edgar/Allan: Whistling (Yes?) Marylander: BRING OUT THE FIRE GUNS! “Little flip here, Edwards looks for room, into the end zone touchdown.” (Gusto is on a roll. 8 TDs at this moment since Week 7) Captain: AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I’M ON FIRE! I’M ON FIRE! Marylander: Looks like he needs to go to the hospital. (Ambulance horn) Allan: Whistling (Looks like our job is done) Marylander: Not really, our master is being mind controlled by the Princess. Poe, how is it going over there at the stadium? Poe: Whistling (Good, I don’t know where the Narrator is) Marylander: Have you looked everywhere? Poe: Whistling (Yes. OH WAIT I SEE HIM! He’s dancing with the Princess but he’s not in a good mood) “And that kick is just inside the right upright, it’s 7-3.” Marylander: Then try and sneak up on them. Poe: Whistling (Yes sir) Marylander: Alright let’s head to the stadium.
(M&T Bank Stadium)
Princess: You are such a good dancer. Narrator: Uh, I’m rarely even trying to be honest. WOAH! Princess: Kiss me. “To the outside, reaching down, making the grab, and taking it into the end zone goes Joe Mixon.” Narrator: Sorry, I don’t like you that way, matter of fact I just don’t like you. Poe: Whistling (LETS GO!) Princess: WHAT! (Joe Burrow suffers fracture in right wrist, out for the season) Narrator: Joe Burrow’s being taken down as we speak. We’re done here! Princess: NO WE ARE NOT! Narrator: By the way, Captain Win-Cinnati is in the hospital too. Princess: Now you’ve done it! Joe Cool nor Daddy isn’t calling the shots tonight Mikey-Poo. I AM! Narrator: Wait, the Captain is your father? Princess: And unless you want my dad to magically recover and unleash a swarm of Siberian Tigers out onto the streets of Baltimore, YOU BETTER COME HERE! Poe: Whistling (UH OH!) Princess: MWA! MWA! MWA! MWA! MWA! Narrator: NOT EVEN IF YOU PAID ME! GIMME THE REMOTE! Poe: Whistling (Oh boy, looks like we gotta a battle) “2nd and 3. They go to Flowers again. There goes the rookie! Flowers with a block from Mitchell. But you gotta flag down. There’s a flag down so for the moment he’s in the end zone.” Princess: WHITE BENGAL! Narrator: THAT’S YOUR BOYFRIEND!? WB: Get away from my chick! “Holding, offense #3” BOOM! “Lamar in the pocket. That’s caught in a lot of traffic. By Nelson Agholor! To the end zone! Somersault touchdown. Poe: Whistling (Back away from my leader! Are you ok buddy) “Illegal use of hands to the face, defense. (YEAAAAAAH!)” Narrator: Poe I’m feeling good right now! Princess: White Bengal! We really were meant to be together! WB: I’m sorry for leaving you, but hey all is forgiven. “Browning fires. What a grab. Trent Irwin.” Princess/WB: MWA! Narrator: You know. YOU TWO MAKE A REALLY BAD COUPLE! “After review, it was determined that the receiver did not maintain (YEAAAAAH!) control of the ball going to the ground. Therefore it is an incomplete pass.” (How much REFBALL is there in this game right now. There’s like a penalty or questionable call nearly every 5 minutes) Poe: Whistling (Should we double team White Bengal and then go for the Princess) Narrator: Why not? I’m ok with her being by herself. Now get out the water gun. Poe: Whistling (Alright let’s go!) FIRE! “Jackson. Fires. Caught. Bateman touchdown.” (SPLASH!) Narrator: Looks like we took away his flying ability. Way to go Poe! Poe: Whistling (Should I just head over to where the Princess is?) Narrator: Yeah, why don’t you go try and contain her. I GOT THIS! “Here comes the blitz. He gets it away. Irwin is there. Contact is made, and a flag is thrown too in fact.” (BOOM!) Hey Poe, can you flip me your water gun? Poe: Whistling (Sure) Narrator: Lets dance! (After a Cincy field goal it’s 21-13) “They give it to Edwards. Nice move cuts it back. And a gain of 25.” (SPLASH!) Yeah, his suit is going to need a major wash tomorrow. Thank god I’m wearing athletic clothing tonight. “Dancing and darting, and unable to escape. Sacked. Odafe Oweh.” Princess: Oh look at this. They’re fighting over me! Poe: Whistling (THEY ARE NOT FIGHTING OVER YOU!) Poe/Princess: AAAAAAAAH! (27-13 Ravens) “Backing up, buying time, taking off, but can’t get back to even the line of scrimmage. Narrator: Poe, here’s your water gun again. Poe: Whistling (Alright then) Narrator: FIRE! “1st Down and Goal, play clock at 1, they get it off. And into the end zone goes Edwards for the touchdown. (SPLASH!) Princess: YOU! RUINED! MY! DRESS! (BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!) “Looking, throwing and that’s going to be caught for the touchdown. By JaMarr Chase.
(Inner Harbor)
Marylander: Ah doesn’t it feel good right now? Narrator: GUYS THE CAPTAIN HAS ESCAPED THE HOSPITAL AND HE’S BRINGING AN ARMY OF SIBERIAN TIGERS! Marylander: Oh crud. Narrator: They’re coming your way! GET THE FIRE GUNS READY! Tigers: ROAR! Marylander: EDGAR, ALLAN! FIRE THE GUNS! (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) Allan: Whistling (How many of these tigers are there?) Marylander: I don’t know. HEY THE CAPTAIN IS HEADING YOUR WAY BOSS!
(M&T Bank Stadium)
Narrator: Alright then. Poe. Poe: Whistling (Yeah, buddy) The Captain has magically healed and he’s coming our way. You go with the others. I’m taking down the Princess! Poe: Whistling (Guys whats up!) Edgar: Whistling (No time to greet us. WE GOTTA HOLD DOWN THE FORT!) Narrator: AI YA! Princess: AAAAAAAAH! Narrator: Consider yourself dumped! You wanted me as your date. Well this is what you and your boyfriend and father deserve. Captain: I’M STILL STANDING! Marylander: NOT FOR LONG! FIRE THE GUNS! (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) Captain: YOU KILLED MY ARMY OF SIBERIAN TIGERS! Narrator: Are we supposed to feel bad for you? Captain: YES YOU SHOULD! Marylander: We’ve had enough of your nonsense the last two years. Narrator: I think I know how I can end this. (Final; Ravens 34, Bengals 20) SECURITY! (Police siren) Cop: As a result of trying to invade Baltimore on Blackout Night and breaking out of the hospital without our permission. Captain Win-Cinnati, you, your daughter, and her boyfriend are under arrest. Captain: YOU CAN’T ARREST US! WE DID NOTHING WRONG! Cop: Yes you did, you tried illegally kidnapping the narrator. Captain: THAT’S SUCH CRAP! Cop: SHUT UP OR ELSE YOU’LL BE TAZED TO DEATH! Captain: NO I WON’T! WB: JUST ACCEPT THE PUNISHMENT! Fine. Princess: NOBODY DUMPS THE PRINCESS! YOU’RE GOING TO PAY FOR THIS MIKEY-POO! YOU’RE GOING TO PAY! Narrator: Yeah, that’ll wear off of them in a hurry. Guys thank you for saving me tonight. Allan: Whistling (You know, we’ll always have your back) Narrator: Thanks Allan. You guys did a very good job tracking down the Captain while I was trying to take down the Princess and her boyfriend. Darkness: Whistling (They sounded like not so nice people) Narrator: You’re absolutely right. I mean the Princess was desperate for a makeout session, and there was no way I was falling for it. Poe: Whistling (Not to mention I squirted her and White Bengal pretty good) Marylander: NICE! Narrator: You guys had the harder draw based on the army of Siberian Tigers charging towards you at the end but, those two were very scrapy. Edgar: Whistling (I bet. They may seem like a hot couple but something’s rotten about them) Narrator: That’s exactly what I said. Hey guys, the Ravens swept the Bengals in the meantime. And I didn’t need to recap the action on display. Lil Poe! Darkness: Whistling (Yes) Narrator: Cue up Get Low! Darkness: Whistling (Got it ready) Raven Bros: Whistling (TO THE WINDOW! TO THE WALL! ALL Y’ALL BUNGLES CRAWL! THE RAVENS STANDING TALL!) PAUSE.
Narrator: (Gwyn’s Theme playing) Here you see what happens to the Cincinnati Bengals when they aren’t aided by 50/50 balls, other teams injuries and deus ex machina. FREAKING SLAUGHTER! The Ravens dominated the Bungles for much of the game, and even if Burrow hadn’t gotten hurt, they were winning this game regardless. Why? Cincy’s defense had no answers for Lamar Jackson or anything Baltimore threw at them. Don’t blame the officials, there were bad calls all game on both sides. (Adrian Hill: YOU GET A PENALTY! YOU PENALTY! AND YOU GET A PENALTY! EVERYONE IS GETTING FLAGGED TONIGHT!) Did I mention that this was without Mark Andrews who by the way is out for the rest of the regular season. (He might be back for the playoffs, but I don’t know if it’s possible or not) Just like with Mike Man a year ago, now you see why the Ravens hired General Monken. It’s because his system not only can adapt to opposing defenses, but the Bengals also have the same structure as Ohio State. (Their entire playbook is easy to pick on unless everyone plays up to their potential) The best part for the Ravens is that they may have just delivered the dagger to perhaps the most successful era that Cincy may ever see in its history. The season ending injury to Joe Burrow I would normally feel bad for but honestly considering that the Jungle had no sympathy for Planet LJ when he got hurt the last two years, they deserve the exact same treatment. You know what I find insane. Zac Taylor is defending Logan Wilson for saying none of his hits were dirty. Let me put it this way. The Mark Andrews hit I don’t think was that dirty of a hit. But the Lamar one shortly afterward was. You should never ever ever try to intentionally knock any player out of a game. (He tried doing the same to OBJ too) If the Bungles were asking him to try and intentionally knock out the Ravens best weapons I wouldn’t be surprised. That team has no respect for Baltimore in every sense of the word. (Now you see why they didn’t wear their White Tiger uniforms. Because they think B-More is soft. WRONG!) And it shows with these actions. Remember when JaMarr Chase called the Ravens a dirty team? THIS IS ABSOLUTE KARMA! Just like the 2017-18 Jaguars, arrogance and ego just happens to be Cincy’s downfall. Do I hear a sound in the distance? Raven Bros: Whistling (DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD! WHICH OLD WITCH! THE WICKED WITCH! DING DONG THE WICKED WITCH IS DEAD! DING DONG YOU SLEEPY HEAD! OPEN YOUR EYES GET OUT OF BED! DING DONG THE WICKED WITCH IS DEAD!)
Narrator: Exactly. The last two years Cincy only made it that far because of the Ravens being stuck with Steve Saunders, Pittsburgh transitioning on from Big Ben, and Jimmy Haslam being a clown yet again. This year they don’t have that. And here’s what is the worst part. This was potentially their last shot at a title with this core. Tee Higgins, Tyler Boyd, and many others could be gone thanks to the $220M guaranteed they invested into Burrow. With this injury and the Deshaun Watson injury, there is one thing that needs to be stated. The New Frontier is officially DEAD! The narratives of the Ravens and Steelers running the division are kicked back into overdrive. Baltimore is now 8-3 and their Bye Week hasn’t even come yet. (SOS ALERT! SOS ALERT! SOS ALERT! SOS ALERT!) Oh I think I know what time it is? The Salty Marylander is about to roast the Jungle again. Take it away! Marylander: I WANT TO HEAR ABSOLUTELY NOTHING FROM BUNGLES FANS! YOU LOST FAIR AND SQUARE AND THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT! HAVE FUN WATCHING THE RAVENS GO DEEP INTO THE PLAYOFFS THIS YEAR FROM YOUR LIVING ROOM COUCH! WHO DEY! WHO DEY! WHO DEY THINK GON’ BEAT DEM BENGALS! WHO DEY! WHO DEY! WHO DEY THINK GON’ BEAT DEM BENGALS! THAAAAAAAAAAAA RAVENS!
Narrator: There you go Salty Marylander! You roasted them, and now it’s my turn. First of all I want to hear absolutely nothing from their fanbase about how they lost due to Burrow being injured. The only reason why you’ve beaten the Ravens the last two years is because of injuries to Lamar and other playmakers. (Steve Saunders = Cincinnati Icon) You know what’s worse. THE ENTIRE TEAM AND ORGANIZATION MADE THOSE COMMENTS AS WELL! This is a franchise that’s literally had every single thing go their way the last two years, and with that, they’ve become the 2nd coming of Sacksonville. It’s spread from their players, to coaches, to ownership, to the fans, heck to the mayor of Cincinnati. All of the smack they’ve talked the last few years because they got insanely lucky. Burrowhead, Win-Cinnati, Royal Tigers, I could go on and on. You know what I’m going to find hilarious. Even if they’re going to miss the playoffs, if Cincy misses it by a hare, all we’re going to say is that Joe Burrow just like at LSU is being carried by generational talents at WR. “But he’s the golden boy of football, he can make every throw.” How many of his big passes have been due to JaMarr Chase and Tee Higgins winning 50/50 balls? A LOT! He literally is what Peyton Manning was in Indianapolis with Reggie Wayne and Marvin Harrison Sr. The product of some of the greatest receivers of this generation, and being in the same system that he was in during college. Now you know how we felt the last few years. You gave us no respect, and now you’re going to like it. Anyways, that’s going to do it for the Two Part Special, I hope all of you enjoyed it, and I feel like this episode is going to be talked about for a long time to come. As the insufferability of FlockNation is ramped up SO ARE THE CHARM CITY BEASTS! Edgar: Whistling (He’s up all night till the sun) Poe: Whistling (I’m up all night to get some) Allan: Whistling (He’s up all night for good fun) Darkness: Whistling (I’m up all night to get lucky) Edgar: Whistling (We’re up all night till the sun) Poe: Whistling (We’re up all night to get some) Allan: Whistling (We’re up all night for good fun) Darkness: Whistling (We’re up all night to get lucky) Raven Bros: Whistling (We’re up all night to get lucky! We’re up all night to get lucky! We’re up all night to get lucky! We’re up all night to get lucky!) R-A-V-E-N-S RAVENS!
Penn State Sports Night Link: https://www.youtube.com/@pennstatesportsnight1368
Bragging Rights Sports 