(Ghostbusters theme playing)
Bragging Rights Sports Presents:
A Marylander Culture Production
CHARM CITY BEASTS
The Unrivaled Themed Story of the Baltimore Ravens
SPOOKY SEASON HAS COME!
ANSWER THE CALL!
Lamar Jackson, Mark Andrews, Odell Beckham Jr, Zay Flowers, Roquan Smith, Marlon Humphrey, Michael Pierce, Patrick Queen, Kyle Hamilton, Justin Tucker, Eric DeCosta, Ozzie Newsome, Todd Monken, Mike Macdonald, Sashi Brown, Steve Bisciotti, with the Raven Brothers, and the Salty Marylander/Narrator Michael Hession.
(Season 4) Episode 8: Costume Up
O-O-O-O-O-O-O! O-O-O-O-O-O-O!
Narrator: I have one question for you Raven Brothers before we get started. Who you gonna call? Raven Bros: Whistling (THE RAVENS!) Narrator: I love the Zombie themed costumes you guys are repping for Halloween. Poe: Whistling (We’ve got a special skit planned for you all at the end) Narrator: Sounds great. Does that mean two skits in one episode? Edgar: Whistling (Yes, and we even got the Salty Marylander to dress as Frankenstein) Marylander: Hello there Raven Brothers. Raven Bros: Whistling (AAAAAH!) Narrator: Sounds imposing to me. So what’s the skit? Allan: Whistling (The Salty Marylander has trapped us inside a crooked maze, and at the end the Salty Marylander will give you some candy or scare you. The first one to clear the maze and get candy at the same time wins) Narrator: What happens if you get tricked? Marylander: Then you have to start all the way back at the beginning. Narrator: OUCH! That’s gotta sting.
(A few moments later)
Alright boys, time to see who will be rewarded free Halloween Candy and another tally to their name in the Skit Standings. Edgar, you ready? Edgar: Whistling (LETS GO!) Narrator: Allan? Allan: Whistling (TIME TO GO CRAZY!) Poe? Poe: Whistling (I’M READY FOR THE CHALLENGE!) BOOM! Narrator: Off go the Raven Brothers in their quest to find the Salty Marylander and free candy. However there are booby traps in this maze so it’s not an easy journey. Looks like Edgar has fallen into a pit of spikes! Edgar: Whistling (AAAH THE PAIN!) Narrator: So far Allan is in the lead but Poe is not too far behind. By rule you have to choose different paths unless that’s a penalty once you get to the finish. But luckily no violations have been issued. (BOOOM!) OH NO POE HAS FALLEN INTO A LAKE OF BLOOD! Poe: Whistling (HOW DID I NOT PREPARE FOR THIS!) Narrator: Well, it’s because we surprised you three birds with the booby traps. Looks like Allan is going to clear the maze unscathed. All he has to do is not get tricked by the Salty Marylander and he’ll win. Marylander: BOO! Allan: Whistling (AAAAAAAH!) Narrator: OH NO ALLAN HAS TO START BACK AT THE BEGINNING! Now it’s Edgar who is in the lead and heading towards the end of the maze. And he just avoids the booby trap of a king cobra. Now all eyes are on the Salty Marylander. Edgar: Whistling (Trick or Treat?) Marylander: Oh thanks for asking, I’ll give you a bag of Skittles. Edgar: Whistling (OH I LOVE SKITTLES!) Narrator: And with that Edgar despite his fall into the pit of spikes has won the The Haunted Maze Race! And now he’s moved into a 1st place tie with Poe atop the skit standings! (Man did the gods screw over Allan AGAIN!) PAUSE.
Narrator: Anyways with that out of the way, let’s get to the real stuff. Following their biggest statement win of the year against Detroit, the Boys in Purple aren’t falling for the hype. Boy Wonder Johnny Harbaugh stated something that he has many times. He says that if you want to make one big win count, you get the next one. There have been several instances across the NFL where one team looks great one week then sucks the next. And he’s making sure the Ravens don’t fall for those traps. Planet LJ is right there with him. Despite being named AFC Offensive Player of the Week. Jackson has downplayed it to the surprise. He calls it a team award. You can’t accomplish these feats without an excellent supporting cast. Even if the receiver room hasn’t lit the world on fire, it’s still a solid unit that can’t be ignored. Edgar: Whistling (If only they called more penalties on DBs guarding OBJ) Narrator: True that. As for the SOS defense, it has been a wrecking machine all season. Through 7 games, Baltimore is the only team to yield fewer than 100 points. Mike Man says the recipe for success is that you give them different looks than what they see on film which gives you the advantage right away. The Lions had to learn this the hard way. (Playing Cover 2 Man last week was a bold call that worked) As for Agent Zero and PQ, this week in honor of Halloween and with the Ravens traveling to the desert decided to dress as cowboys. Allan: Whistling (YEEEEE HA!) Narrator: Makes sense since both of those guys have been the sheriffs both on the field and in the locker room on the defensive side of the ball. Poe: Whistling (PQ ever since the London trip has that swag game worked up) Narrator: He sure does Poe, a certain night out that’s a secret for now will help out.
As mentioned, this week’s game is a trip to the Arizona Desert to take on the Cardinals at State Farm Stadium. Arizona may be 1-6 but in most of their losses they’ve only lost by an average of 8 points a game. Even without Kyler Murray the Cards did beat Dallas, and gave Seattle all they could handle. Josh Dobbs may not be Kyler, but he’s been alright. But the Ravens will have a grudge to settle. No it does not involve Marquise Brown, as mentioned he ran himself out of town for being a sliver of a diva according to the Salty Marylander. It comes in the form of Arizona’s Social Media team, during the schedule release this offseason, the Cardinals mocked each of their opponents with a title of different songs. The one they used for the Ravens was Running Back by Lil Wayne in an attempt to mock Planet LJ. Marylander: HOW DARE THEY MOCK A GUY WHO’S 16-1 AGAINST THE NFC!? THIS IS WHY YOU ARE A 1-6 FOOTBALL TEAM YOU WORTHLESS PIECES OF… PAUSE.
Narrator: Enough is enough, let’s get to the game. On the opening drive, the Cardinals took advantage of two questionable penalties including one on a 3rd Down sack by Odafe Oweh. (How is that holding on Kyle Hamilton? Seriously) The other was a PI call against Marlo which led to the opening touchdown. But in typical fashion as they’ve done all season, the Boys in Purple came right back. Lamar and his bag of tricks. Think of a shovel pass to Gus Edwards and a circus catch by Rashod Bateman. It all culminated with Planet LJ throwing a TD to Mark Andrews off his backfoot. (GoldMine scoring in his Homecoming, had to get that out of the way quickly) From that moment on, the SOS defense took center stage. Even as the Cardinals were getting 4.5 yards a carry at one point in this contest, they were stuffed on multiple 4th and 1 plays. The common denominator on both of them was Michael Pierce. First he batted down a Dobbs pass intended for Hollywood at the line of scrimmage, and he stuffed Emari Demercado just shy of the line to gain. What makes this even more hilarious was after the second 4th Down stop… Marylander: THE OFFICIAL MOVED THE BALL AWAY FROM THE 1ST DOWN MARKER!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (To be fair, the replay crew did tell the ref to move the ball to the proper spot) PAUSE.
Narrator: Despite these opportunities gifted by the defense, the normally reliable Justin Tucker was victimized by the uprights. URK! For most of the 1st Half neither team could do anything offensively. That was until the Ravens were given a golden opportunity thanks to a Brandon Stephens interception. 6 plays later, Gus the Bus pounded a 1 yard RB plunge into the endzone to make the score 14-7 at halftime. (Why didn’t Arizona use any of its timeouts to try and get the ball back?) As the 2nd Half began. The same nonsense took place. Neither team’s offenses could move the ball mostly due to good coverage from both defenses. Uh, General Monken, you do realize they’re dropping 8 men into coverage? Are you going to find a way to adjust? Although I’ll give him a chance because eventually the Cardinals defense will run out of gas. The defense is going to need to make a play to wake up Lamar and the offense. HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY! Ask and you shall receive! The Stone Age has once again shifted the momentum to the Ravens. Geno Stone now has 5 interceptions in his last 7 games. A stretch that hasn’t been accomplished by a Raven since Ed Reed in 2008. (He had 7 picks in 5 games to be exact if you count the Wild Card Game that year) This was the spark to get the offense going. Gus Edwards would do the rest as he scored his second TD of the game. Arizona shall be sentenced to SOS Mode right away. That’s exactly what happened in the 4th Quarter. Following a 3 and out, the Boys in Purple ate up 5 minutes of clock as JT atoned for his earlier miss. Leading by 17 it looked safe and sound.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC!) Marylander: Please don’t tell me the defense is out of gas! Narrator: I hate to tell you this but they are. Turns out being dominated in terms of time of possession for most of the game eventually was going to come back and bite them. But for now the Ravens have Arizona facing a 3rd and 15. How are they going to get back in it now? Marylander: SERIOUS DID WE NOT ASK THIS QUESTION BACK IN LONDON! CAN ANYONE ON THIS DEFENSE MAKE A FREAKING TACKLE DURING GARBAGE TIME!? I know travel fatigue and dry conditions, BUT STEP ON UP YOU BOYS! Narrator: With the lead cut to 9 points, the offense had to respond. And respond they did. Marylander: THANK GOD! Narrator: In 9 plays they marched all the way down the field by pounding the ball with Lamar and Gus the Bus. The only problem is that OBJ was denied his first Raven touchdown by an easy PI call against Antonio Hamilton. Marylander: FINISH HIM DADDY! Narrator: Guess what Salty Marylander, Gus Edwards did just that. Up by 16 with 3 minutes left, it’s going to take a miracle for the Cardinals to come back. BEEP! Uh how is there not a 10 second runoff? I get they reversed the call meaning the runner was in bounds, but it’s inside of 2 minutes. And then of course they score a touchdown because the defense is exhausted and Odafe Oweh wanted a headstart on a 4th Down sack. (That’s how T-Sizzle had so many offside penalties against him) The good news, they stopped the 2 point conversion, the bad, they didn’t get the onsides kick. Marylander: OH MY GOD NELSON YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT KICK! (If they did get the 2 point conversion before that, every Ravens fan would have lost their minds) Narrator: At least he’s going to get another chance, the Cardinals kicked a field goal, and now trail by 7. Marylander: NOW DON’T DROP THIS ONE! “To keep Arizona’s hopes in this. To Agholor, holds on this time!” Good, now we can go home and get ready for a 3 game homestand. Man, I’m tired! PAUSE.
Narrator: It’s weird how the Salty Marylander didn’t overreact like he usually does. It’s probably because we’ve been through it all with this team over the years. At 6-2, the Boys in Purple are in a good spot. They just 4-1 in on road in that 5 out of 7 stretch. Even if 6 of the last 9 games of the year will be played at M&T Bank Stadium, this team has big fish to fry. Especially since they didn’t look as good against Arizona as they did against Detroit. But this is the NFL and anything can happen. (Thriller playing) Marylander: Hey come here for a minute! Narrator: Whatcha got? Marylander: The Raven Brothers are doing the Thriller Dance! Narrator: Makes sense since they’re dressed as zombies for Halloween. As all of this is going on, the plane ride back to BWI was very quiet. The players know that they can perform much better than this. Lamar in particular was right with what he said after the game. He said that we can play much better than this. 31 points is nice, but we need to put up more, he says. Thats whats bizarre they put up 4 TDs and people will still say it was an off game for the offense. It’s probably because the media is so used to seeing Lamar and company roll over teams like they did in 2019. It’s hard to see that on a given basis. I expect next week against Seattle to be a Thriller just like the dance you see from the Raven Brothers at this moment. Raven Bros: Whistling (THRILLER! THRILLER NIGHT! YOU’RE FIGHTING FOR YOUR LIVES INSIDE OF M&!T! BIG TRUZZ!) Are you gonna go Vincent Price on us Salty Marylander? Marylander: Yes I am. DEEP IN THE HEART OF BALTIMORE! A FORCE OF NATURE IS COMING! IT RESIDES INSIDE OF THE BANK! IT NEVER GIVES UP! IT WON’T STOP UNTIL THE DAY IS WON! THESE ARE THE RAVENS! RAVENS OF WAR! WHO SACRIFICE THEMSELVES FOR THE GREATER GOOD! A TEAM OF DETERMINATION! AND ALSO A TEAM THAT ENJOYS HAVING SO MUCH FUN! WHILE BEATING UP THEIR OPPONENTS UP AND DOWN THE FIELD! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! “RIVAL APPEARS!!!” (Alarm Siren) Narrator: I’m guessing that alert involves something the Bengals did. Anyways forget about that for the moment. As the Michael Jackson impression continues to amaze the audience, SO DO THE CHARM CITY BEASTS! Marylander: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Bragging Rights Sports 