(Omar Whistle/Warriors playing)……………………………………………………………………
Bragging Rights Sports Presents:
A Maryland Culture Production
CHARM CITY BEASTS
The Unrivaled Themed Story of the Baltimore Ravens
In This Town, Determination, BECOMES OBSESSION!
AND THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS!
S…..O…..S!
YOU CAN’T CLIP THESE WINGS!
Lamar Jackson, Mark Andrews, Odell Beckham Jr, Zay Flowers, Roquan Smith, Marlon Humphrey, Patrick Queen, Geno Stone, Kyle Hamilton, Justin Tucker, Eric DeCosta, Ozzie Newsome, Todd Monken, Mike Macdonald, Sashi Brown, Steve Bisciotti, with the Raven Brothers, and the Salty Marylander/Narrator Michael Hession.
(Season 4) Episode 7: BALL SO HARD WEEKEND
R-A-V-E-N-S RAVENS!
Narrator: (Ms Baltimore Crabs theme playing) Ladies and Gentlemen, here to you another edition of the media throwing slander at the Baltimore Ravens. And this time it’s a case of a hype machine towards media darling. Following a gutty win against their old rivals in the Titans, the Boys in Purple got no attention from the National Media from a positivity standpoint. All of the talk this week was two things. One, their opponent this week in the Detroit Lions. The cold takes were these.”It is fair to say, this is the best Detroit Lions football team in the last 30 years.” “The Lions are as hot as any team in the NFL right now, they’re 5-1 and have won 4 straight.” “They have the #1 rush defense in the NFL. #1, not 2, not 3, they are #1 in the NFL against the run this year. This is a great team.” “The Lions have proven that they can go to the Super Bowl in my eyes.” “I believe the Lions are going to roar. Give me Detroit winning this one.” “This is one of the best defenses in football in the Ravens, and I know that this is one of the best offenses with the Detroit Lions.” “I think that Detroit will win, I think their offense will be too much for the Ravens defense to handle.” “I trust Jared Goff more on Sundays than pretty much every QB in the NFL and we are still trying to figure out who Lamar Jackson, and Todd Monken are. What we aren’t trying to figure out is who Jared Goff is.” “The Ravens offensively are stuck in neutral, this offense is talented but I don’t think that has translated to good football yet. Todd Monken, it’s the middle of October. What are we doing here?” “Come on Ravens you’ve gotta slam the door on some of these teams here. You gotta stand up and show us you’re capable of putting it together for 60 minutes and kicking the crap out of teams. When it’s clicking, it’s clicking well for the Ravens.” Poe: Whistling (A lot of cold takes for sure) Narrator: Yes Poe it was a lot. Not to mention on ESPN they all had either the Browns and Bengals winning the AFC North when asked that question of who wins the division. Let me put it to you this way, this reaction from Ohio sports fans sums it up best. “Browns fan: It’s about time the Ravens and Steelers take a step back. Bengals: The two orange Ohio teams are finally the ones in charge! It’s the New Frontier! Marylander: NOT IN BALTIMORE IT ISN’T! Yinzer: SAME FOR US IN PITTSBURGH!” Narrator: The objective for the Ravens in particular is simple. Maintain the narratives of being Super Bowl Contenders. The Bengals may have won the division two years running, and the Browns have a top defense, but don’t listen to that crap. Edgar: Whistling (THEY’LL NEVER KNOW WHAT HIT THEM!) Narrator: Agreed, Edgar. Allan, what do you have to say? Allan: Whistling (THIS IS OUR YEAR!) Narrator: That’s the spirit, as long as we’re doing our job to the best of our abilities, we’ll be fine. Marylander: YES SIR! BECAUSE WE’RE THE RAVENS! AND WE DO WHATEVER WE PLEASE YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! PAUSE.
Narrator: Alright, alright everyone. Now let’s get to the show. Coming off their grinding win over the Titans in London, the Boys in Purple face a steep challenge in their first home game in a month. When asked about the rise of a now potent pass rush, Mike Man stated that you’re trying to have the ability to bring it from any side at any given point in time. So far with both the renaissance of both Clowney and Kyle Van Noy, plus with Odafe Oweh set to return, that phase of the defense is only getting stronger. So is the secondary. Despite it being labeled as the biggest weakness on the roster by the media, it has rounded into a very deep unit. Getting Marlo back from injury was huge, and even though it appeared that they rushed Marcus Williams too early, he’ll have more time to heal from a pec injury. Why? Because Geno Stone has balled out this season. In 6 games so far, he’s snagged 3 interceptions and in the Titans game his pick of Ryan Tannehill turned the whole momentum of the game. (Thank goodness we kept him around after last year) In the eyes of many Ravens fans, the Agent Zero Effect has consumed the defense whole. Both he and PQ have been the dawgs in the middle of the whole thing. And everyone else has fed off it. On offense, Todd Monken’s unit did move the ball well against the Tennessee defense, but due to a lack of gaining key yards on 3rd Down, plus the Titans red zone defense, the Ravens were held to 6 field goals. But General Monken refused to let his guys give up. He said that the red zone opportunities are there for us, we just need better execution. And then they spent nearly the entire week of practice working on plays inside the 20 yard line. Poe: Whistling (Detroit will never know what hit them) Narrator: Good take Poe. In other news, everything was quiet. No celebrity news this week. Nothing else to go over in that department.
Anyways, it’s skit time everyone. What do we have this week? Marylander: The Raven Brothers have decided to play Big Buck! Narrator: Okay, isn’t the trophy animal the bear? Marylander: Well my friend, they were allowed somehow to choose who the trophy animal was. Narrator: Who’d they choose? Allan: Whistling (We chose the lion) Narrator: Ah yes, the King of the Jungle, sorry Bungles. Allan: Whistling (I know right. But still you’ll never be faster than a lion!) Edgar: Whistling (I don’t have to be quicker than the lion, just faster than you bro) Narrator: Looks like Edgar wants revenge after getting beaten to the top of St Paul’s Cathedral. And by the way he gets to go first. Are you ready? Edgar: Whistling (YES SIR!) So before we begin, here are the rules. Each Raven Bro has one turn to shoot down as many deer as they possibly can. But if you get eaten by the Trophy Animal which in this case is the lion, you are disqualified. Marylander: You heard him! Edgar, take it away. Edgar: Whistling (Time to hunt me some deer) “BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!” Narrator: Edgar, turns out the water gun skit during stadium practice really has helped out. Just need to improve that accuracy Marylander: HERE COMES THE LION! HE’S COMING FOR EDGAR LOOK OUT! BOOOOOOOM! AND DOWN HE GOES! Edgar: Whistling (Sounds like dinner has been served for me!) Narrator: You looked good. So in total, Edgar killed 18 deer, and 1 lion. That’s the score to beat. Allan, you’re next. Allan: Whistling (THAT LION SHALL BE DESTROYED!) Marylander: GO! “BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!” Narrator: Well it looks like Allan is zoned in, he’s up to 20 already, make that 25 kills. Marylander: TWO NOTES AND YOU HAVE A VILLAIN HERE HE COMES! BOOOOOOOM! OH NO! ALLAN HAS BEEN DISQUALIFIED! Allan: Whistling (WHYYYYYYYYYYY!) Narrator: I think he heard footsteps, and lost his focus. Allan killed 26 deer, but not the lion so he’s out. Anyways, now it comes down to Poe. What do you think? Poe: Whistling (Time to get the lead back in the Skit Standings) Narrator: Like the confidence. Marylander: GO! “BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!” Narrator: Poe looking cool and controlled back there. Nothing seems to phase him. Poe: Whistling (This is like using a water gun!) Marylander: UH OH! IF POE KILLS THE LION HE WINS! THAT BAD BOY IS COMING IT’S GONNA BE CLOSE! BOOOOOOOM! AND WE HAVE A WINNER! Poe with a 24 kill meter plus the lion. He now has taken the lead in the Skit Standings. Poe: Whistling (LET’S GOOOOOOOOOO!) PAUSE.
Narrator: Now let’s get to the action of Ravens Football. Speaking of Lions, that’s who the Boys in Purple just so happen to face this weekend in their first home game in a month. Detroit as mentioned has been heavily regarded as the best team in the NFC maybe even in all of the NFL. They’ve won 13 of their last 16 games dating back to last year, they’ve won all 3 games on the road including on Opening Night against the Chiefs, and have looked like the most complete team in the league to this point. Jared Goff has been the highest rated QB in the league through 6 weeks, Detroit’s offense is Top 5, and their defense has allowed the fewest rushing yards in football. As you heard in the cold takes earlier in the show, the media has been meatriding the Lions. Nearly everyone on ESPN picked them to win, not to mention the same going for NFL Network. But remember folks this is a spot where the Ravens have historically thrived in. And even better news for Flock Nation, Terrell Suggs will be inducted into the Ravens Ring of Honor. However Lions fans all week didn’t care about Ravens fans feelings. They spent the entire time leading up to the game gloating about how they were going to the Super Bowl, how their fans would take over M&T Bank Stadium, and how the Ravens cheated to win in 2021. First of all, if Marquise Brown doesn’t drop 3 TDs, that wouldn’t have been a game, second of all, I know you haven’t had this good a team in 30 years but if you’re going to trash talk us all week you better be able to back it up. And third of all, the play clock was different inside Ford Field in that 2021 game than it was on TV. “Oh but you spoiled our perfect celebration of Calvin Johnson’s Hall of Fame Celebration!” Well too bad, because we have greater ambitions. (Plus the Lions gave up a 4th and 19 right before the 66 yard field goal) Not to mention to further tick off the Detroit fans who made the trip to Baltimore, the Ravens decided to bring back an old favorite. “Look… If you had… One shot… And one opportunity… To seize everything you’ve ever wanted… For one moment… Would you capture it… Or just let it slip? LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! HERE COME THE RAVENS!” (Flares going skyward) Marylander: In addition to us bringing back the U2 entrance long term, why not bring back the Eminem sketch right before that to not only tick off Lions fans but give us flashbacks of the glory days. Narrator: That sounds like a plan. Raven Bros, what do you think. Raven Bros: Whistling (LOOK AT US!) Narrator: You guys look really cozy in those Crucial Catch sweaters not gonna lie.
Let’s get to the game. Boy Wonder Johnny Harbaugh decided to do something interesting. Instead of kicking off to start the game, he decided to put his offense on the field first. I know the windy conditions had a lot to do with it, but hey time to be aggressive. It worked out! The Boys in Purple drove right down the field for an opening drive touchdown, as Planet LJ with the blocking of Ronnie Stanley walked into the end zone untouched. All of the optimism that Lions fans had were stripped from them at that moment, thanks to an SOS defense mauling the league’s most accurate passer. On their next possession, the Ravens went on a long six minute drive and converted three critical 3rd Downs. Here’s one of them; “Jackson can’t find anyone, looking to take off and run, bounces away, still surveying, still alive, throwing to the end zone, CAUGHT FOR THE TOUCHDOWN! Nelson Agholor!” Marylander: OH NELLY! Raven Bros: Whistling (VICTORY LAP TIME!) Narrator: Don’t go wasting your emotions just yet, there’s still three quarters left to go! Anyways, it took until the Ravens were up 28-0 before the Lions could get a 1st Down. They spent the entire 1st Half fruitlessly chasing after Baltimore pass catchers and runners as they had room to run. The Offensive Line led by Stanley, and Linderbaum held Aidan Hutchinson and company in check. Not a single sack allowed and over 500 yards of total offense. Mark Andrews scored the 3rd TD and set up the 4th. It’s also National Tight Ends Day so make sure you send him some money as a gift. (He would score another TD in the 2nd Half) Even when they did move the ball into Ravens territory, the Lions were held back by penalties, and horrible line protection. Detroit had allowed the fewest sacks in the league going into this game. Jared Goff, who rarely was sacked, spent the entire day on his back. He was sacked 5 times, fumbled twice, was intercepted by Geno Stone who now leads the league in interceptions, and was pressured throughout. The only time Detroit scored in this game was during garbage time thanks to a touchdown run by Jahmyr Gibbs. The narrative on this game was simple, the Ravens went Ball So Hard on the Lions. Terrell Suggs, Ray Lewis, and Ed Reed were enjoying it like the rest of Flock Nation was. A curb stomping we haven’t seen occur at M&T Bank Stadium in roughly a few years. All optimism that Lions fans had has now been put on hold. They’re still a really good team, it’s just too bad they ran into a squad finally starting to heat up. Marylander: HEY MEDIA DO YOU SEE THAT! THAT’S CALLED THE RAVENS ARE GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! PAUSE.
Narrator: (Paris by Jay-Z/Kanye playing) The Boys in Purple at long last finally played up to their potential against a Super Bowl Contender. The Lions played the role of the 2009 Broncos in this game. The media darling of football walking into town as Super Bowl Favorites only to get their asses handed to them by the Ravens in a game where Harbaugh used media takes as bulletin board material. That game at least was close in the 1st Half. This was a total stomping right from the opening kickoff. With this game now in the books the Ravens are the only team in the NFL to allow fewer than 100 points in their first 7 games. The last time any NFL team did that was the 06 team. Mike Man, Anthony Weaver, and Chuck Smith aka Dr Rush have had these boys locked in. That and Patrick Queen and Roquan Smith are true difference makers in the middle of the field. Their energy and emotions have set the tone for the entire defense. Look at this week. Going against a Top 5 offense with big play ability, and a QB who is both smart and accurate. In today’s NFL with how wide open some of these offenses are, that smells like a disaster. Not here. If they keep this up, they might just be the first team in the history of a 17 game season which is very short by the way. To give up fewer than 200 points in a season. I know they have a brutal schedule coming up, but hey it’s possible. On offense it was a joy to watch. Everyone was involved. Planet LJ connected with 9 different receivers. The running game is starting to get going. (Although a bell cow back at the deadline would be very nice) And Todd Monken is finally starting to gel as OC. This game can best be described as a perfect day. Dominating a Super Bowl Contender in every phase of the game, plus a legend like T-Sizzle gets inducted in the Ravens Ring of Honor. A date with destiny against the Chiefs is inevitable. All Hail the Insufferable Marylanders as we crush whatever hope you have of being a champion. As the Soap Opera is now put on hold thanks to organizational secrets for another few weeks, SO ARE THE CHARM CITY BEASTS! Raven Bros: Whistling (BALL SO HARD KC GOTTA FIND ME!) Marylander: That’s (CENSORED) Crap! That’s (CENSORED) Crap! That’s (CENSORED) Crap! Raven Bros: Whistling (BALL SO HARD KC GOTTA FIND ME!) Marylander: That’s (CENSORED) Crap! That’s (CENSORED) Crap! That’s (CENSORED) Crap! Everyone R-A-V-E-N-S RAVENS!
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