(Omar Whistle/Warriors playing)…………………………………………………………………….
Bragging Rights Sports Presents:
A Maryland Culture Production
CHARM CITY BEASTS
The Unrivaled Themed Story of the Baltimore Ravens
In This Town, Determination, BECOMES OBSESSION!
AND THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS!
S…..O…..S!
YOU CAN’T CLIP THESE WINGS!
Lamar Jackson, Mark Andrews, Odell Beckham Jr, Zay Flowers, Roquan Smith, Marlon Humphrey, Patrick Queen, Justice Hill, Kyle Hamilton, Justin Tucker, Eric DeCosta, Ozzie Newsome, Todd Monken, Mike Macdonald, Sashi Brown, Steve Bisciotti, with the Raven Brothers, and the Salty Marylander/Narrator Michael Hession.
(Season 4) Episode 6: The Royal Escape
R-A-V-E-N-S RAVENS!
(Buckingham Palace theme playing) British Narrator: It is a beautiful morning in glorious London, England. One of the most delightful places in Europe, and home to many great Kings and Queens over the years. See for yourself how wonderful this city and country is with your own eyes. Regular Narrator: Ok, ok that’s enough. Anyways, we’re in England this week, we didn’t have an episode last week because everyone was upset about the events with the Ravens and Orioles so, we’re back here again today ready to have some fun. (In case you missed it, Edgar won last week’s skit of who made a Primanti Sandwich the fastest. Poe/Edgar: 2 Allan: 1) Coming off their brutal loss to their longtime rival in Pittsburgh, the Boys in Purple wanted to make sure they started Week 6 on a high note. Their plan in the eyes of Boy Wonder Johnny Harbaugh was to fly home from YinzerLand for 8 hours, change team equipment, and then get back on the plane to head for Heathrow Airport. Harbaugh made it clear that he didn’t want to fall into the same traps that doomed him in 2017 against Jacksonville. (Hopefully there will be no political shenanigans this time) They would plan on practicing the entire week from their rental facility just outside the city of London. It was just what they hoped for. Morgan Moses, and Odell Beckham fully participated in each of three practices. Thank goodness they aren’t injured any longer. Even as the offense squandered plenty of opportunities the previous week with 9 dropped passes, Planet LJ and General Monken weren’t going to let the receiver room get a free pass. Those two men and OBJ were giving them the business. (“I’m looking right at you Bateman, Flowers, and Agholor” -Monken) Luckily it’s still early in the season and they are still trying to mess as a unit.
As for the SOS defense, they’ve done their part for the entire season. Mike Man’s unit has given up 15.5 PPG this season which is 2nd in the NFL. Even more surprising is how effective the pass rush is even without Ojabo, Oweh, and Bowser. Kyle Van Noy, Jadeveon Clowney and Malik Harrison have filled those roles nicely. With Marlon Humphrey and Marcus Williams back from injury, they add more elements to a secondary that has also proved doubters wrong. Brandon Stephens may not be Marcus Peters, but so far he’s been solid for what he is. (Ronald Darby too) The Front 7 has been the headliners. Thank goodness Michael Pierce and Justin Madubuike are playing at Pro Bowl levels. Which is key because if you want to win the AFC North, you need to stop the run. There is one more element to go over. Agent Zero and PQ. The best LB duo in the league hands down! Roquan is enjoying an excellent 1st full season in Baltimore by playing at a DPOY level. As for Queen, he’s in a contract year and has surpassed expectations. It looked like he would hold out in the summer once they drafted Trenton Simpson, but hey if you want the money go prove it. (Simpson has been injured for most of the year. URK!) So far he’s put up the best season of his career to this point, but it’s not like he’s going to be able to top that with… (Source: Baltimore Ravens’ LB Queen spotted at London Restaurant with Ariana Grande at 2 seat table) Marylander: OH MY GODDDDDD!
(In which Charm City Beasts becomes a Soap Opera; October 11 2023) PAUSE
(Into You playing) Regular Narrator: To the surprise of absolutely no one who is a Ravens fan, this team is literally trying to copy the relationship between Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift. Well if you want your own player-singer love story, going after possibly the best recording artist of this generation not named T-Swift sounds appealing. Patrick Queen must have seen what OBJ did with Kim Kardashian and said “You know what, I need that for myself!” (Marlo must be jealous right now) And in typical Grande fashion, those two have kept this relationship a secret. It may be troublesome but hey don’t let anyone outside of this team see what’s going on. My guess is that Boy Wonder saw what his old boss Andy Reid was doing in Kansas City and said “If you can have a player-celebrity romance SO CAN WE!” (Harbs probably doesn’t care, but I feel like that’s going through the back of his mind) There’s just one issue. The national media is not going to talk about it because they hate the Ravens because of Art Modell, they don’t want anyone to compete with the team they are trying to dub as the modern day America’s Team, and they all want to be proven right about the status of Lamar Jackson when he came out of Louisville. Salty Marylander I must ask, what do you have to say about this? Marylander: KANSAS CITY YOU HAVE YOUR ENCHANTING LOVE STORY! WE’VE GOT 2 OF OUR OWN BABY! AND MARLO IS PROBABLY NEXT IN LINE! YOU BETTER TALK ABOUT US NOW POP CULTURE! HELL TO THE YES!
Regular Narrator: Ok, ok, just let this game play out. Hey? What’s going on with the Raven Brothers? Marylander: Well we’ve decided that they are going to race each other to the top of St Paul’s Cathedral. Regular Narrator: Uh, how is that going to work? British Narrator: They will start at the Baker St Underground stop on the Jubilee line, we made sure that no one else was inside the train cars, so they could move around and stretch. Did I mention they’re wearing English themed costumes. Regular Narrator: What did they dress up as? British Narrator: Edgar is Henry VIII, Allan is Freddie Mercury, and Poe is Ted Lasso. Regular Narrator: Interesting. I see they’re getting close to the Baker St stop. British Narrator, take it away. British Narrator: On your marks, get set, GO! (Horse Riding music playing) Out of the Jubilee go the 3 Raven birds dressed as English cult heroes, and remember you cannot take public transportation either. Regular Narrator: Well that makes this a battle of stamina. British Narrator: We’re about half a mile away and it looks like Freddie Mercury aka Allan has the lead. Allan: Whistling (Lasso’s a poor boy, nobody loves him!) British Narrator: They’ve entered the cathedral, it’s going to be close, Henry VIII is closing in 1st place. OH BUT HE GETS PASSED BY MERCURY AND MERCURY HAS WON! Allan: Whistling (SUCKERS!) Edgar: Whistling (CRUD! I HAD IT!) Regular Narrator: So now Allan has tied Poe and Edgar in the skit standings at 2 a piece as… Edgar/Allan: Whistling (AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!) PAUSE.
Regular Narrator: So it turns out that Edgar and Allan after the race were captured and sentenced to prison inside the Tower of London. Poe Lasso. Poe: Whistling (Yes buddy) Regular Narrator: We need you to go into the tower as quietly as you can and try to rescue your old brothers. Poe: Whistling (Gotcha!) Regular Narrator: Skits and rescue missions aside, this matchup for the Boys in Purple this week is one of the biggest so far this season. Not only is their status as a top AFC Contender at stake, they face one of their greatest rivals. The Titans. The first meeting between the two teams since the Wild Card Game in 2020. A game in which the Ravens fell behind 10-0 early only to dominate Tennessee the rest of the way. (Titans fans: BUT AJ BROWN GOT HURT IN THE 2ND QUARTER!) Another advantage in this game for the Ravens would not be ignored. The Titans arrived at Heathrow on Friday Afternoon thanks to jet lag. Being there for a few extra days makes a difference eh? Early in this game the Ravens would come out swinging. Planet LJ and the offense had clearly awakened from their slopfest last week in Pittsburgh. They drove deep into Titans territory thanks to a few nice throws from Lamar. The only issue was that Gus Edwards couldn’t get any room to run on 3rd and 1. Unlike previous years, John Harbaugh played the patient game. Instead of going for it, he sent out JT to make it 3-0. Tennessee looked like they would be stopped on three straight plays. BEEP! But once again a ticky tacky PI call kept their drive alive. Luckily they only gave up 3 points so I guess they dodged a bullet. The common theme of this game early on was that Jackson was carving up the Titans defense with short and medium passes to his receivers. (Taking what the defense gives him, that’s something Monken has emphasized Lamar to do a ton) I would say they should be able to reach the end zone, but Tennessee’s defense again rose up and stopped the Ravens in their tracks. 6-3 the score now.
The SOS defense was preparing to tee off on Ryan Tannehill yet again. There’s the 3 and out we’re looking for. Even better, Devin Duvernay took the ensuing punt 70 yards to the Titans 17 yard line. (If only he didn’t get tracked down by the punter) If only they wouldn’t stop running at Jeffery Simmons that would be great. But still they’re up by 6. The next time they got the ball, the Boys in Purple had a methodical drive that finally got them into the end zone. The key play in this drive wasn’t anything they did from a play design standpoint but more English Theatre. OBJ gets punched by Simmons and immediately does his best Harry Kane impersonation by flopping onto the ground. BEEP! 15 yards and a 1st Down is the result. (“FINISH HIM DADDY!”) Zay Flowers capped off the drive by scoring his first career regular season touchdown. And he got the 2 point conversion. BEEP! “Pass interference, offense #3” Well that sucks. And then the Titans blocked the extra point. But hey it’s 15-3. Just when Tennessee that they’d get a long completion to Chigoziem Okonkwo, Marcus Williams came in like a thief in the night to prevent a potential TD. In what would make Boy Wonder please, the Special Teams unit has also come to play. They took advantage of a muffed punt just seconds before the end of the 1st Half as JT cashed in for his 4th field goal of the game. Leading 18-3 at halftime, the Ravens fans in attendance could enjoy themselves for the moment.
How’s Poe doing over in the Tower? Poe: Whistling (I’m doing good, I’m close to the cell room, but I expect guards to greet me soon enough, WELL GOTTA GO!) Regular Narrator: Alright Poe, we’re cheering for you. Back to the action we go. The 2nd Half began as more of the same, the Ravens defense has contained Derrick Bleeping Henry for most of the contest, they indeed forced another 3 and out as BEEP! Marylander: That’s not roughing the passer. HOW IN FROSTY’S FROZEN CARROT IS THIS ROUGHING THE PASSER! MICHAEL PIERCE IS LITERALLY TACKLING TANNEHILL AS HE RELEASES THE BALL! Can these zebras just stop for one damn minute! Regular Narrator: I agree. For those who follow the Kardashians and Ariana Grande that are new to this fanbase, THIS IS RAVENS FOOTBALL! You must be prepared to play against not only the other team, but the officiating crew. (In this case, the NFL doesn’t want someone to challenge their golden couple) It’s been a Baltimore Sports Tradition since the Jeffery Maier incident at Yankee Stadium in 1996. (Or should I say going back to the days of the Shake and Bake Colts) Of course King Henry XXII takes advantage of this extra set of downs, and rips off a 63 yard run. Luckily the Ravens D only held them to a field goal. Smelling blood in the water, the Titans picked off Jackson right away. (Bateman, WHERE THE HELL IS THE EFFORT!) And worse, BOOM! “Personal foul, unnecessary roughness, defense #14, 15 yard penalty, automatic 1st Down. #14 has been disqualified!” Marylander: THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING! NOT AGAIN! (Hamilton being told to go home in a battle involving the British, the irony.) Regular Narrator: Well I hate to tell you but now it’s 18-13. Wouldn’t you know it, the Ravens offense hasn’t done anything in the 2nd Half. The Titans have a chance to take the lead and give Baltimore fans even more PTSD of the 2019 Divisional Round. There’s only one thing that can prevent any further damage to this fanbase. HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY! Gobs of High End Talent baby! Geno Stone once again plays ball hawk and sets up the offense with a short field. Plus they knocked Tannehill out of the game. As for the Ravens offense, they didn’t do too much, but they at least drained 6 ½ minutes of clock. And Planet LJ pulled off a fantastic escape on a 3rd and 3 at Tennessee’s 13 yard line. JT comes on for a 5th field goal attempt and banks it home.
Now the Titans are holding their comeback hopes on 2nd year QB Malik Willis. He may have a raw arm, but he can definitely run. Look at this 3rd Down play, it looks like he’s going to get the 1st Down as… HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY! Patrick Queen you freaking monster! I know it’s not the offseason, but PAY THIS MAN! Give him $18M a year at all costs. (Marylander: I know you hosted SNL Pete Davidson and you had Kelce, and Swift on it, but now you must suffer from PQ taking your ex!) You better do so DeCosta or else Grande and her fans are going to be nagging you until it happens. Now we just need to put this game on ice. Think of a 38 yard pass from Lamar to Mark Andrews. (GoldMine being GoldMine, LOVE IT!) Once again they ate precious clock and eventually forced Tennessee to burn their timeouts. Facing a 4th and 1, Harbaugh and Monken were left with a decision. Go for it and put the dagger in their hearts. Or kick the field goal to go up by two scores. If this were Greg Roman he would have gone for it. Not here. Ladies and Gentlemen, Justin Tucker has tied his career high for most field goals in a game with 6. Leading by 11, with the Titans being forced to pass on every play with only 1 timeout it should be smooth sailing. Marylander: OH COME ON MAKE A FREAKING TACKLE! You almost just gave Titans fans new life with that display. Thank goodness Roquan was waiting to stop Tyjae Spears before he reached the goal line. Regular Narrator: If you think this is the end of this just wait until you see what debauchery the zebras have up their sleeves. Willis gets sacked on 1st and Goal by Kyle Van Noy. BEEP! “Holding, defense #10.” Marylander: UGH! Regular Narrator: 1st and Goal, lets try this again. Now Willis gets sacked, this time by Clowney. Now comes 2nd and Goal. Incompletion, not bad. BEEP! “Pass Interference, defense #10.” (Has Arthur Maulet not learned from his days in Pittsburgh) Marylander: ARTHUR! YOU BETTER KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF OR ELSE WE’RE IN SERIOUS TROUBLE! Regular Narrator: 1st and Goal for a third time. Well Patrick Queen is backing up the headline he made this week in a big way, BEEP! Marylander: NOW WHAT? “Illegal block in the back, offense #32.” THANK GOD! Regular Narrator: 1st and Goal to the 4th power. And he gets sacked again, and once again it’s Van Noy. That’ll put this game on ice. Due to timing concerns, Mike Vrabel decided to take the 3 points and make it a 24-16 game. Now get the onsides kick. “Here’s the onsides kick, and that was anticlimactic.” Run, run as fast as you can out of England, Ravens. I know we’re 4-2 but there needs to be improvement especially with the gauntlet. Marylander: THE RAVENS ARE GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL! British Narrator: CAN YOU PLEASE SHUSH IT! PAUSE.
Regular Narrator: I know the Ravens only won by 8 points, but the final score doesn’t tell the story of this game. All of Tennessee’s points were a result of having massive REFBALL on their side. No matter what this team does to gain popularity both in and outside of the US, the NFL wants them to fail because they want the people of Cleveland to finally laugh at their old franchise for once. (I don’t see that happening soon) If it weren’t for the Titans outstanding red zone defense, this would have been even worse than a 24-16 final. The Boys in Purple have overcome the sins of the 2017 game against Jacksonville, but there are still greater challenges ahead. One of them being next week against one of the hottest contenders in the NFL in the Detroit Lions. Hold on one second, where is Poe? Poe: Whistling (I’VE RESCUED EDGAR AND ALLAN!) Narrators/Marylander: OH YES! British Narrator: All Hail Poe Lasso! Edgar: Whistling (Thank goodness, you saved us. I couldn’t survive that long in that jail cell.) Allan: Whistling (I won the skit for this week, but Poe was the real winner) Poe: Whistling (Thanks bros. Now we can go home to relax for a week because I’m bored) Regular Narrator: There you go Poe. Anyways, thanks for joining us British Narrator, I’ll let you go back to covering European Soccer. British Narrator: Thank you so much I enjoyed this. Regular Narrator: You’re welcome. As false hope consumes Baltimore whole once again, SO ARE THE CHARM CITY BEASTS! Marylander: WHO CARES ABOUT CLEVELAND, PITTSBURGH, AND CINCY! WE RUN THE AFC NORTH! Whole Cast: HIP HIP HOORAY!
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