(Omar Whistle/Warriors playing)………………………………………………………………………….
Bragging Rights Sports Presents:
A Maryland Culture Production
CHARM CITY BEASTS
The Unrivaled Themed Story of the Baltimore Ravens
In This Town, Determination, BECOMES OBSESSION!
AND THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS!
S…..O…..S!
YOU CAN’T CLIP THESE WINGS!
Lamar Jackson, Mark Andrews, Odell Beckham Jr, Zay Flowers, Roquan Smith, Marlon Humphrey, Kevin Zeitler, Jadeveon Clowney, Kyle Hamilton, Justin Tucker, Eric DeCosta, Ozzie Newsome, Todd Monken, Mike Macdonald, Sashi Brown, Steve Bisciotti, with the Raven Brothers, and the Salty Marylander/Narrator Michael Hession.
(Season 4) Episode 4: That’s So Ravens
R-A-V-E-N-S RAVENS!
Marylander: What’s up FlockNation! Just checking in with you guys that the Narrator is working on the MLB Postseason Preview and he wants some time off from Charm City Beasts to think about that. (Well the Orioles are in the postseason for the first time since 2016, so this will be extra spicy) So with that being said, I’m going to be filling in as the host for today’s episode. Allan: Whistling (Just tone it down a bit buddy) Marylander: Sure thing. After a brutal loss against their old franchise were those carnsong officials, the Ravens are trying to put that in the rearview mirror and focus on getting back on the path to the Super Bowl. First of all I’d like to believe all of the injuries that the Ravens have suffered since the 1st week of the season is punishment from the Football Gods for OBJ breaking up with his girlfriend, and then drinking the stupid juice known as the Kardashians. Since those rumors have been leaked, (The rumors just so happened to begin on the eve of the Ravens Week 1 win over the Texans) Baltimore has lost 9 starters to injury. John Harbaugh’s response was that most of those injuries were players getting caught in piles. He may be right but the conspiracy theorists like me believe that karma is behind this, and OBJ’s actions are the main reason. Trust me, I know exactly why he and Kim are doing this. BECAUSE KANSAS CITY GOT THEIR PERFECT ROMANCE STORY! They saw what Travis Kelce is doing with Taylor Swift and now those two want to do the same. Because as we all know, Harbaugh wants what his mentor has. They get the Queen of Pop, you want the (CENSORED) Queen of Hollywood. AND NOW EVERYONE IS HANDING THE CHIEFS THE FREAKING LOMBARDI THIS IS ABSOLUTELY HERESY! (Looks like the Salty Marylander is J-E-ALOUS!) PAUSE.
Poe: Whistling (Calm down buddy. Everything is all good) Marylander: Yes Poe, I’m still learning. But, where was I? Oh yeah, the aftermath of the Colts game. Apparently Harbaugh took responsibility for not realizing how much time there was on the clock. YOU SHOULD HAVE WARNED JOYSTICK ABOUT IT BEFORE THE FREE KICK! (The officials didn’t tell the crowd either which didn’t help) But that pales in comparison to the REFBALL that did happen. The only reason the Colts got the ball back as soon as they did was because those zebras literally have a grudge against the Ravens. Every missed call, especially the missed PI call, facemask, and late hit proves that there is a conspiracy against Baltimore. No Baltimore is the center of the sports world right, this is a conspiracy theory by Philadelphia and Miami fans based on their success the past year. Jokes on them, we have two championship contenders, plus the Heavyweight Champion of the World. The pass rusher situation has been brutal due to injuries, and David Ojabo may be out long term. (They could have drafted George Pickens, but let’s not pretend that he was also a boom or bust pick) To fill this void, the Ravens signed former Patriots standout Kyle Van Noy. Who should be another key depth piece to a defense full of it. Luckily for our sake the injury bug is slowly but surely fading. Gus Edwards and Justice Hill’s injuries weren’t serious after all. Thus allowing them to return for Week 4. Still no news on OBJ and Bateman but at least Tyler Linderbaum is back this week. Just give them time for them to heal. (Ronnie Stanley and Marcus Williams are also close towards a return)
This week involving the Skit Competition. The Raven Brothers will be chased by 3 standard size bulldogs. The rules are simple. Edgar, Allan, and Poe will get a 15 second head start, but if they get bit by any of these dogs, they’re out. However whoever is last remaining wins. And for safety, we put these three birds into armor suits so they won’t feel any pain through their skin. Edgar; Whistling (Thank goodness) Poe: Whistling (I was not looking forward to this until that announcement) Allan: Whistling (Time to outrun all y’all) Marylander: Boys, YOU READY!? Raven Bros: Whistling (YES!) Marylander: Take your mark. GO! 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15! RUN DOGS! NOW THE CHASE IS ON THESE DOGS ARE COMING UP FAST! LOOKS LIKE ALLAN HAS TAKEN THE EARLY LEAD! AND EDGAR IS BITTEN AT FIRST SIGHT! Edgar: Whistling (So much for eating a snow cone before doing this) Marylander: ITS DOWN TO ALLAN, AND POE! OH AND THEY’RE CLOSELY MATCHED, BUT OH THE DOGS ARE COMING! AND POE HAS BEEN TAKEN DOWN! ALLAN WINS AND FINALLY CRACKS THE SCOREBOARD! Allan: Whistling (Yippee!) Marylander: So with that, the score is now Poe: 2 Edgar/Allan: 1 Boy has this chase for the Skit Title heated up! PAUSE.
Enough skits, let’s get to the game this week. Following the embarrassment against those Mayflower Lovers, the Ravens travel to Cleveland to face the Browns in an attempt to maintain previous narratives. Lamar Jackson has not lost to the Browns since 2019, and will be playing in Cleveland for the first time since his late season injury there in 2021. Despite being owned by the Ravens, Cleveland once again hailed themselves as something bigger than what they truly were. After 3 excellent performances by their defense. Browns fans were once again beating their chests into thinking they were Super Bowl Contenders. There was one problem. CRACK! Deshaun Watson suffered an injured shoulder in their Week 3 over the Titans, he was cleared to play, but he refused to go out there. HEY DESHAUN! YOU’RE SCARED OF OUR DEFENSE AND YOU KNOW! (No wonder why he’s soft. He’s used to a dome and no defense to pressure him) In his place is Dorian Thompson Robinson, who thrilled fans during the preseason, but we must realize that many starters do not play in August. In the eyes of Browns reporters, they said that Roquan Smith claimed that the Ravens would beat the Browns up in front of their wives and kids. Mary Kay Cabot accused Smith of being a naughty bad boy. YOU JUST WANT TO PUMP YOURSELVES UP FOR NO REASON! (He didn’t have an intention to back-talk Cleveland players or the fans) With a rabid Dawg Pound ready to be unleashed even with Watson, it looked as if the stars were all aligning for the Browns to establish themselves as the class of the AFC North… (SOS TIME! SOS TIME! SOS TIME! SOS TIME!) SIKE SIKE HASLAM RIDES A BIKE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT WITHOUT A FLASHLIGHT! (x3)
In what would be considered as a shock to everyone in Cleveland, the Ravens to the surprise of no one like myself and the Raven Brothers, went into the Dawg Pound and stole the Browns candy. The game was over when Brandon Stephens intercepted DTR late in the 1st Quarter setting up Jackson for the 1st of 4 scores. Those zebras didn’t want this game to be a blowout so they gave the Browns nearly 80 yards of penalties, one of them resulting in their only points of the game. Despite their potent O-Line, Cleveland was destroyed in the trenches all day long as both Clowney and Kyle Van Noy had no issues applying pressure. (Imagine that pass rush with Oweh, Bowser, and Ojabo come December/January) Even if Watson played he would have been eaten alive with how bad their line was that day. Oh by the way Browns fans, remember how you guys said that you had the best defense in the world? BEST DEFENSE MY ASS! Torched and charged by Lamar Jackson, and your old OC Todd Monken. 4 touchdowns against. Way to go Haslam this is why you should’ve kept Monken! Then you wouldn’t have gotten rid of Baker Mayfield. And by the way Sashi Brown drafted him, Nick Chubb and Myles Garrett. How does it feel to watch two of the main reasons why you had that Divisional Round run in 2020 come back to kick your ass!? Bad? IT SHOULD! Once again this game proves that the Ravens are a much better run organization than the Browns and will always be Big Brother. It doesn’t matter how much yourselves up Cleveland, YOU STILL WILL LOSE TO THE RAVENS! Here’s some advice. NEVER TRASH A BALTIMORE TEAM! BECAUSE RAYS AND BLUE JAYS FANS JUST HAD TO LEARN THAT LESSON THE HARD WAY WITH THE O’S! Now we’re 3-1 atop the AFC North with everyone set to be healthy again in a few weeks. RAVENS GHANTA SUPER BOWL! Raven Bros: Whistling (THATS SO RAVENS! BIG TRUZZ IN THE FLESH!) PAUSE.
Marylander: Narrator how’d I do today. Narrator: You did well for being a first time host. My only thing is you didn’t really recap the game, but with a performance like this, it doesn’t really need much attention. Marylander: Sure buddy. Narrator: Sorry guys, I was finishing up the Baseball Preview, so I couldn’t be the host as usual. Poe: Whistling (Who do you have winning the World Series?) Narrator: That’s a good question Poe, I have the Braves winning it all, but at least I have the O’s making it. Allan: Whistling (Makes sense, the Braves are really good, and Blooper is a rascal like we are) Edgar: Whistling (I have the O’s over the Phillies like in 1983) Narrator: I know guys, its a fun time in Baltimore, and guess what next week is? Marylander: OH MAMA I’M IN FEAR FOR MY LIFE FROM THE LONG ARM OF THE LAW! Narrator: Yep, it’s Steelers week, and we have the chance to get Matt Canada out of a job. But that’s for next week, just another day’s work for the exciting action packed series known as Charm City Beasts! Marylander: SOAK THE INSUFFERABILITY OF BALTIMORE IN MY VEINS!
Brooks Robinson (Mr Oriole) 1937-2023
Bragging Rights Sports 