Gerry Sandusky from Outside the Lines 1-12-07: “It’s a wild intersection where emotions are destined to collide in ways nobody can ever predict when they see the blue Colt horseshoe come back to town. And Jeremy earlier in the show, you used the phrase the Colts are coming back home, they’re not coming back home! THIS IS THE HOME OF THE BALTIMORE COLTS! It was never the home of the Indianapolis Colts, this is sacred ground for names like John Unitas, for names like John Mackey, from my dad John Sandusky, and for all of the people who were part of that Baltimore Colt organization. And the biggest emotion we have when the Colts come to Baltimore, is that the Baltimore Colts and all the great men who were part of that organization don’t have a final resting place.”
(Omar Whistle/Warriors playing)…………………………………………………………………………………
Bragging Rights Sports Presents:
A Maryland Culture Production
CHARM CITY BEASTS
The Unrivaled Themed Story of the Baltimore Ravens
In This Town, Determination, BECOMES OBSESSION!
AND THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS!
S…..O…..S!
YOU CAN’T CLIP THESE WINGS!
Lamar Jackson, Mark Andrews, Odell Beckham Jr, Zay Flowers, Roquan Smith, Marlon Humphrey, Geno Stone, Gus Edwards, Kyle Hamilton, Justin Tucker, Eric DeCosta, Ozzie Newsome, Todd Monken, Mike Macdonald, Sashi Brown, Steve Bisciotti, with the Raven Brothers, and the Salty Marylander/Narrator Michael Hession.
(Season 4) Episode 3: The Great Bank Robbery of DOOM! (Mayflower Bowl XI)
R-A-V-E-N-S RAVENS!
Narrator: Right now the Boys in Purple can breathe fresh air. The AFC North is in chaos for the moment. The Bungles are 0-2, and Joe Burrow’s ankle isn’t 100% healthy. The Browns just lost Nick Chubb for the season, and Deshaun Watson is proving that he was clearly the product of DeAndre Hopkins (Not to mention he doesn’t have the luxury of playing in a dome like in Houston), and the Steelers are stuck with Matt Canada despite gobs of young talent on the roster. And don’t tell me the Ravens are banged up, and the RB in particular has been hit the hardest, all is good. Boy Wonder Johnny Harbaugh agrees. He said this week that beating Cincy was a step towards the ultimate goal, but we can’t overlook anyone on this path. In his opinion this team can best be described by this statement. “Rough, Tough, Smart, Physical, but with Playmakers” he can thank LB coach Zach Orr for that quote as well. Despite being down two of their starting O-Lineman, the Ravens still gashed the aggressive Bungles defense for 400 yards of total offense. Planet LJ called this a major boost in confidence. However, he, like Harbaugh, said that the win in the Jungle means nothing for the moment. Even though Baltimore got out of Cincy 2-0, the injury list got just a tad larger. Justice Hill suffered turf toe, and he’s most likely going to miss the next several weeks. Odafe Oweh suffered a sprained ankle.
Finally Odell Beckham Jr. His injury wasn’t serious, only a bruised ankle. Which leads us to why he didn’t finish the game. According to reports on 98 Rock this week, OBJ was taken out of the game for safety reasons. Apparently, the Bungles secondary, especially Mike Hilton, and Cam Taylor-Britt tried to headhunt him, and intentionally knock him out for the rest of the season. The reasoning was due to his comments in that 1 on 1 interview with Peter King over his performance in Super Bowl LVI before suffering a torn ACL. (No wonder why people disrespect that team even if they have Joe Burrow) As soon as Boy Wonder saw this, he demanded the star receiver to put on street clothes to prevent Cincy from accomplishing their mission. Beckham listened to his demands. Even if his ankle still isn’t 100%, the worst situation didn’t happen. Besides he has other things to focus on both related to the pigskin or not, something is brewing and it’s probably going to be another major advertising campaign. BOOM! (Source: Ravens’ Beckham secretly dating Kim Kardashian) Marylander: AND, and he’s dating Kim Kardashian! OF COURSE HE’S DATING KIM! WHY WOULDN’T HE! DEAR GOD I WISH IT WAS AN ADVERTISING CAMPAIGN! PLEASE WHATEVER YOU DO BISCIOTTI KEEP THOSE CHICKS AWAY FROM TEAM OPERATIONS FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS BILLY GOATS!!! (If a top female recording artist happens to be the Halftime Act at this year’s Blackout, OBJ is going to try and hook her up with Lamar. Trust me I know it’s coming.) PAUSE.
(Pacman Theme playing) Poe: Whistling (Skit time everyone) Narrator: Ok, I like this. The Raven Brothers playing Pacman. Here are the rules. Whoever makes it the further in terms of levels wins. If for some reason there is a tie, the tiebreaker will be decided by the amount of points scored overall. Edgar, you go first this time. Edgar: Whistling (Sweet) Narrator: Alright, lets see, oh they’re creeping in, oh god could Edgar get knocked out early, NEVERMIND! He’s off and running, and he survives the first wave! Edgar: Whistling (Flex those muscles) (A few moments later) Narrator: So Edgar got through two mazes, now it’s Allan’s turn. Allan: Whistling (It’s go time) Narrator: Ok Allan, you’re going to eat those monsters up early. Allan: Whistling (I live on the edge buddy) Narrator: OOOH! It turns out that his aggressiveness was all for naught. Try again next week. Allan: Whistling (Shucks) Narrator: Now to round this up, the two time defending Skit of the Week winner, Poe. Poe: Whistling (I’m coming for you Edgar!) Narrator: Here he goes. Lets see, Poe is running around, he’s not letting any of the monsters come near him, oh wait he’s trapped, (BOOM!) Wow, how’d he get out of it! And he survives the opening maze. Edgar, are you alright? Edgar: Whistling (Yeah, I’m ok. I’m still confident) (12 seconds later) Narrator: Okay. That’s going to do it. Edgar takes this week’s round! Edgar: Whistling (Finally!) Narrator: So now it’s Poe: 2 Edgar: 1 and Allan: 0 Salty Marylander, what do you think? Marylander: I thought Edgar had this in control right from the start, and boy was I correct. Nothing like a statement victory after losing to Poe 2 weeks in a row. PAUSE.
Narrator: After 2 solid wins to open the season, optimism has consumed the city whole, but that would be short lived. This next matchup is against their old franchise in the Indianapolis Colts, a team that was supposed to be in the tank brigade has actually exceeded expectations. Nearly beating Jacksonville, and crushing Houston is a good start, but the Ravens will be a much harder test, especially in the rain. However, with the Boys in Purple down many key starters, Indy has a window to take advantage of it, even if Anthony Richardson, and Jonathan Taylor are inactive. (Their excellent Front 7 will be a major factor in this game too) Early in the game Baltimore imposed their will, by crushing Gardiner Minshew via Kyle Hamilton, and going right down the field shortly after to take a 7-0 lead. Marylander: Won’t you look at this, this is going to be an old fashioned ass kicking, as the Boys in Purple are marching all over the bank and… OH MY GOD! WHAT THE HECK IS KENYAN DRAKE THINKING! IF THERE’S ONE THING YOU DON’T DO ITS FUMBLE NEAR THE GOAL LINE WITH ALL OF THE MOMENTUM! (Sad fact: JK Dobbins nor Justice Hill doesn’t fumble even in the wet conditions) UGGGGGGGH! Narrator: Wouldn’t you guess it, Indianapolis takes advantage of this miscue, and marches down the field for the tying score. Who knew that Zack Moss would have a major impact on this game? Just when things couldn’t get worse, Planet LJ was stripped by DeForest Buckner, as the Colts jumped all over the ball. Marylander: So you’re telling me that this O-Line, especially Mustipher, and Mekari can’t block anything now. That’s honestly believable. (They need Stanley, and Linderbaum back ASAP) Narrator: Trailing 10-7 Baltimore needed a spark to keep them in the game. (Hamilton theme playing) They found that alright. Kyle Hamilton throughout the 1st Half was all over the field, sacking Minshew, knocking down passes, and stopping the run. He may be the only reason why the Ravens are only down 3 at halftime.
As the 2nd Half began, the fears of Ravens fans were becoming reality. They once again were struggling against a team they should be crushing. Not only that but Boy Wonder is getting beat at his own game. Special Teams, and in the trenches. Turns out missing several edge rushers, and lineman tends to be a bad omen. Especially against a physical team like the Colts. But hey there’s still time to right this ship. Planet LJ made sure of it. With the Colts Pass Rush preventing Baltimore from getting the separation to run routes, Lamar ran his way down the field, and into the endzone to give the Ravens the lead again. Even as Indy storms back for another long field goal by Matt Gay, there’s still time for a comeback. Despite the Fire Blitz of Gus Bradley causing havoc, the one flaw that he did have was letting Jackson use his feet to gain yards. Luckily thanks to some hard nose tackling, Baltimore only got 3 points. Now with 2 minutes left and trailing by a point, the Colts would be pinned in their own end, oh boy. (Benny Hill Theme playing) “Minshew looking around, did he step out of bounds? He did!” Marylander: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HE DIDN’T JUST COMMIT AN ORLOVSKY! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! PAUSE.
Narrator: Hold everything, there’s still some time on the clock, why hasn’t the refs announced that the clock would be set at 2:03. Um, hello? Thanks to this mistake, Zay Flowers decided to fair catch the safety kick instead of burning time so the clock would hit the 2 minute warning. (This right here would be the Opening Act) The first two plays weren’t optimal, but on 3rd Down, the Ravens have one crack to try and run out the clock. Which they didn’t get… Marylander: OH WAIT! (BEEP!) There’s a flag, this is going to be a facemask on the Colts! “Illegal block in the back, Offense.” WHAT!? WHAT!!! HOW IN THE FREAKING WORLD IS THAT NOT A FACEMASK! KWITY PAYE WAS ALL OVER JOYSTICK AND THERE ALSO SHOULD HAVE BEEN A HELMET TO HELMET HIT!!! Narrator: Of course, the officials once again gave Indianapolis a free timeout as the clock stopped with 1:48. Then to the surprise of no one, the Colts get into field goal range and tie it up with a minute left. It’s ok though, because the Ravens are on the edge of field goal range as… Marylander: NO! LAMAR! NOOOOOO! WHY DO YOU BETRAY US NOW! JUST DON’T TAKE A SACK! (To be fair, if he did throw it away, there would have been intentional grounding a 10 second runoff. So the worst case didn’t happen) Narrator: It’s all good though, we’re back near field goal range. JT is going to bail us out once again, just watch. (This is a 61 yarder against the wind towards the West endzone, not liking our chances) “The kick is on its way, Justin Tucker, (DRAMATIC MUSIC!) and it comes up short!” Poe: Whistling (I was looking forward to catching that ball if it went through) Narrator: I know boys, you were about ready to celebrate. Edgar/Allan: Whistling (You bet we were)
Narrator: Now this game is going into OT. The SOS defense did its thing and forced a 3 and out, and then. HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY! If only Duvernay cut to his left, he would have been gone. It’s ok, they are very close to field goal range. They stall out on 3 straight plays. Poe: Whistling (Crud) And even if Zay Flowers caught that 3rd Down pass, there would have been an illegal shift penalty called against the Ravens. Indy would take advantage of this, with a long completion to Michael Pittman. (And now Geno Stone is injured, YIKES!) But wait a second. (SOS Time SOS Time SOS Time SOS Time) Marylander: Now this should put the game on ice. Lamar whatever you do, DON’T MESS THIS UP! (DOINK!) Likely you gotta catch that! You know what screw it, we’re probably not getting another shot, just go for it, and get into field goal range. “Jackson, incomplete, (DRAMATIC MUSIC) no flags!” WHAT IN FROSTY’S FROZEN CARROT IS GOING ON HERE! ALL OF THIS TIME INTO AIDING OFFENSES AROUND THIS (CENSORED) LEAGUE AND STILL YOU STILL DON’T KNOW WHAT THE (CENSORED) PASS INTERFERENCE IS ANYMORE!!! THAT’S THE 2ND WEEK IN A ROW THAT A CALL LIKE THIS HAS DECIDED A GAME! (Broncos fans, you’re not alone) AND OF COURSE THE TEAMS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF IT ARE THE TEAM THAT TRIED KEEPING A TEAM OUT OF BALTIMORE AND THE TEAM THAT LEFT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE (CENSORED) NIGHT! SCREW IT I’M DONE! LET THE COLTS KICK THE GAME WINNING FIELD GOAL I DON’T CARE ANYMORE! GOD FORBID THE NFL IS OUT TO GET US BECAUSE OF ART MODELL AND THE MEDIA WANTS LAMAR TO FAIL AT FIRST SIGHT SO THEY CAN BE RIGHT ABOUT HIS STATUS COMING OUT OF COLLEGE! WHAT THE (CENSORED) PAUSE.
Narrator: I can’t even be upset about this game. There was part of me that felt when Anthony Richardson was ruled out that the Colts would win this game. The Ravens do this nonsense every year when facing a team they should have crushed on paper. It’s a team tradition that goes back to when they were blown out by the Raiders in 2003 who were starting Rick Mirer deep in a tank. (Baltimore had a chance to clinch the division, and it cost Jamal Lewis the single season rushing record) In some ways this was just like the playoff loss to Indy in 06, they made Matt Gay look like Adam Vinatieri schooling Matt Stover in his own house, and just like Jamal Lewis, Kenyan Drake’s fumble near the goal line changed the whole game. Something about the Ravens and not learning from past mistakes. What a combination. The Colts may have gotten bailed out by REFBALL but they played to win, and were the better team. Once again, Harbaugh went to Brian Billick’s school of looking past his opponent in a gimme situation. This was the game they needed to win. Now they get 2 division games on the road in Cleveland and Pittsburgh, and a trip to London to face longtime rival Tennessee. The conclusion of this game from a Ravens perspective is simple. This team lives and dies by its Offensive Line. When that unit is clicking, not many teams can beat them. On this day, they got destroyed, in particular Mustipher and Mekari. (Why do I have to keep beating that dead horse over and over again) The need for Ronnie Stanley and Tyler Linderbaum to return looms large. That’s not even the worst part. (CRACK!) Nearly half of their starting lineup is on the injury report. Steve Saunders’ spirit is still strong on this team. Marylander: You know what, here’s my conclusion. EITHER CHANGE MEDICAL TEAM SPONSORSHIPS OR FIRE ALL OF THE SPORTS DOCTORS AT MEDSTAR HEALTH! THIS IS ROBBING BOTH BALTIMORE TEAMS OF ITS TRUE POTENTIAL WHICH IS A CHAMPIONSHIP! (The Orioles have lost Felix Bautista, and Ryan Mountcastle to potential season ending injuries, and the rest of the pitching staff has dead arms due to this crap) Wonderful, the team they’re gunning for atop the AFC has the Beauty Queen Taylor Swift on their side, and now we’re stuck with the succubus known as the Kardashians. (I’m going to need to make a document on my deal with the devil in 2021 after this season aren’t I?) That’s the last thing we need right now after what just happened against Indy. At this rate Lamar and Roquan are suffering season ending injuries next week against Cleveland aren’t they? CRUD! (This is 2002, 2005, 2015, and 2021 all over again isn’t it) PAUSE.
Bragging Rights Sports 