(Glory by Romell playing)
Bragging Rights Sports Presents:
A Maryland Culture Production
“55 times, it’s been us vs them. But it’s the last one we remember. 28 wins for us, 27 for them. 6 AFC North titles for us, 6 for them. We’re going to Cincinnati with momentum. With new weapons from our last battle. There’s one clear vision, and a score to settle. WE WANT ALL THE SMOKE! Because when there’s smoke, THERE’S FIRE!”
CHARM CITY BEASTS
The Unrivaled Themed Story of the Baltimore Ravens
HERE’S THE THING NFL…
WE WANT IT ALL!
WE WANT THE GLORY!
REVENGE! IS! IN! SIGHT!
Lamar Jackson, Mark Andrews, Odell Beckham Jr, Zay Flowers, Roquan Smith, Marlon Humphrey, Gus Edwards, Patrick Queen, Kyle Hamilton, Justin Tucker, Eric DeCosta, Ozzie Newsome, Todd Monken, Mike Macdonald, Sashi Brown, Steve Bisciotti, with the Raven Brothers, and the Salty Marylander/Narrator Michael Hession.
(Season 4) Episode 2: R-E-S-P-E-C-T
RESPECT IS EARNED! RESPECT IS NEVER GIVEN!
Narrator: Man that intro this week was fire! (If you’re wondering where’s the theme from League of Legends? It’s still the main theme, we just decided to spice it up for this week) You know what week this is. Ravens fans have been waiting for this game since Wild Card Weekend. Now they get their shot at an old foe. This week though was very nerve racking for the Boys in Purple. The injury bug has returned but it’s not the same as it once was. Besides JK Dobbins being out for the year, most of the injuries are short term. Tyler Linderbaum, and Ronnie Stanley will be out for a couple of games, and Marcus Williams won’t be back until November. (Luckily he doesn’t need PEC surgery. We think) Another key player that isn’t playing this weekend, but who is making progress towards a Week 4 return is Marlon Humphrey. He said this week on a local podcast that he can’t wait to get back on the field soon. Just be patient alright. You can’t further damage your foot than it already is. The good news despite these minor injuries was that one key player was returning from injury. Mark Andrews. Yes my friends, the Gold Mine of a Tight End has returned just in time for the rematch of the Wild Card Game. It may have taken him a few practices to get up to speed, but by Friday, Mark was a full participant. (Should open the dynamic passing game alright) Thank god. The big question of the week was the starting lineman. After getting poked by a potential Top 10 defense in Houston, Baltimore must figure out replacements for Stanley, and Linderbaum. To the sergrin of the Salty Marylander, Patrick Mekari is now starting at LT. Marylander: CRUD! As long as he doesn’t give up sacks on repeat, he’s alright. Narrator: Hey at least you’re giving him a 2nd chance. At center the Ravens must rely on Sam Mustipher, a one time starter for the Bears back in 2021. Both guys are ok players, but they’ll be tested right away. Um, what’s going on with the Raven Brothers?
Oh you guys are playing Wii Sports Bowling. Poe: Whistling (I’m crushing it out there) Narrator: Sounds like Poe is an excellent bowler. Edgar: Whistling (Yeah, he had 7 strikes including a turkey in the 10th frame to beat me in one game) Narrator: Wow! That’s mad bombing right there. Hey where’s Allan? Allan: Whistling (1,2, 2,2 3,2 4,2 ready to go back) Marylander: ALLAN ARE YOU TRYING TO BE TATUM O’NEAL DOING BALLET IN THE BAD NEWS BEARS!? Allan: Whistling (Yeah, why do you mind) Marylander; THERE’S NO BALLET! THERE’S NO BALLET IN CHARM CITY BEASTS! (The Salty Marylander doing his best Tom Hanks impersonation, gotta love it) Narrator: Alright, alright. We need to have a Wii Sports Contest between the 3 brothers. Marylander: Good idea. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! THE RAVEN BROTHERS IN A WII SPORTS BOWLING SLUGFEST! Crowd: YEAAAAAAAAH! Alright Poe since you won the practice round, you get to go 1st. Poe: Whistling (Sweet!) Narrator: Edgar you’re 2nd. Edgar: Whistling (Time to get going) Narrator: Allan you go 3rd. Allan: Whistling (Alright) Whoever wins will either build off their win last week in the case of Poe, or will get their first points in the case of Edgar, and Allan. Are you guys ready? Raven Bros: Whistling (YES SIR!) Narrator: Let’s Rock! BOOM! Marylander: Won’t you look at that, Poe rolls a strike to open up the game! Poe: Whistling (Nothing fancy) BOOM! Marylander: Edgar follows up with a spare of his own, as does Allan.
(A few minutes later)
Alright guys, going for his turkey, it’s the Fitness Major, trying to overtake his little bros going into the final frame. BOOM! Marylander: AND IT’S A TURKEY! Edgar has taken the lead! Edgar Whistling (EN FUEGO!) Poe: Whistling (Game on bro) BOOM! Marylander: NOT SO FAST SAYS ALLAN! Everyone is separated by 4 points. (Allan: 188 Edgar: 187 Poe: 184) Poe goes first to start frame 10. BOOM! And he starts it off with a 10 pin KO! BOOM! And then follows it up with a spare putting him at 223 points. Now here comes Edgar, can he get a 4th strike in a row after being left for dead? BOOM! OOOOH! Now he’s gotta deal with a split! Oh boy how is he going to attack this. Edgar: Whistling (Come on, time pull this sucker off) BOOM! Marylander: AND HE GETS THE SPLIT! What a roll by Edgar! BOOM! And he tops it off with a 7 pin roll. Final tally for Edgar is 211. Now it comes down to Allan, he held the lead going into the final frame, now can he finish it off and tie Poe at one apiece? BOOM! Allan rolls a spare to put him within striking distance of Poe. If he gets a strike he wins. Allan: Whistling (I got nagged for doing ballet, now can I make them eat their words? CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!) Marylander: Here comes the roll… and… BOOM! Oh he got 9 of them but the 7 pin is still up and here comes the final tally. And Poe takes a 2-0 lead in the Skit Series! Poe: Whistling (Sorry boys, now you must go buy me a snow cone!) Narrator: Wow, Poe, you looked efficient out there. How’d you manage to keep yourself focused despite all the hoopla from Edgar and Allan in frames 8 and 9? Poe: Whistling (I must say I always excel in the clutch. Just like last week, I was down and out and boy it felt good.) Narrator: So far you’re up 2 points on your bros in the Skit Sweepstakes. PAUSE.
Anyways let’s get to the matchup for this week shall we, after a solid win to open the season despite the injury bug hitting them, the Boys in Purple travel to face an opponent they’ve been waiting to beat so badly. The Bungles. The salt from last year’s Wild Card Game is fresh in the minds of every Ravens fan. In a game where Cincy was favored by double digits due to Planet LJ, and the Dark Knight not playing, Baltimore still put up an inspiring fight. That all changed when Snoop Huntley fumbled at the 1 yard line on a QB sneak. Sam Hubbard’s 98 yard return for a touchdown was labeled “The Fumble in the Jungle”. This was the play that to the delight of all of the talking heads on 98 Rock and 105.7 the Fan got Greg Roman and Steve Saunders unemployed. This time the Boys in Purple have a new arsenal of weapons to showcase. OBJ, Joystick, a healthy Lamar, Bateman, plus the return of Mark Andrews. Not to mention the Friday before the game, the Bengals Social Media director raided the Ravens Twitter page and kept showing JaMarr Chase roasting the Baltimore secondary. (Is this Kid Cudi, or Lil Baby making those posts?) The conclusion was simple. Cincinnati had no respect for the Ravens. Early in this game, Baltimore used that extra motivation to their advantage. Even without Stanley, and Linderbaum, the Offensive Line began imposing their will on Cincy’s defense. A methodical 13 play 8 minute touchdown drive would leave the Jungle in shock. (Bungles fans now you see why Lamar makes such a big difference) With the early lead, Mike Man could focus on his defense teeing off on Joe Burrow. They did. On each of their opening two possessions, the Bungles went 3 and out. (Just like with the O-Line, the replacements look good) Even if JT missed a 59 yard field goal, Baltimore was still in control of the game. As soon as I say this REFBALL makes its usual appearance. First we have a fumble recovery by Logan Wilson giving the home team prime field position. BEEP! Wait a minute there was illegal use of hands to the face. OUCH! Don’t worry Cincy they gave you a makeup call on a Charlie Jones punt return TD by not calling an illegal block in the back penalty.
With Paycor Stadium at a fever pitch, the pressure was back on Planet LJ. He responded to this challenge in a big way. Baltimore went on another 10 play drive, but were forced to settle for a field goal thanks to being victimized by REFBALL. (They didn’t call a PI on Dax Hill for mauling OBJ) Speaking of which Joe Burrow got Brandon Stephens to bait into a PI call which set up an Evan McPherson field goal to tie the game. Just like when they play the Steelers, the Boys in Purple have to beat their opponent, and the officials. (The NFL doesn’t want their golden boy to start 0-2 including 2 losses in the division) That claim was made clear on the Ravens next possession. Oh, Lamar completed a TD to Mandrews. BEEP! “Holding, Offense #76.” Marylander: Ah you donkeys. Narrator: It’s all good Lamar got those penalty yards back on a QB draw. BEEP! “Holding, Offense #70” Marylander: ARE YOU SERIOUS! THE NFL WANTS US TO LOSE! Narrator: Normally I wouldn’t agree with your deep state conspiracies, Salty Marylander, but here you’re correct. There’s no way the league can afford Joe Burrow, of all people to start 0-2 with losses to the Browns and Ravens. Despite the two holding calls, Justin Tucker was still able to kick a field goal to end the half. Baltimore led 13-10 but from a statistical standpoint, the Boys in Purple have imposed their will.
The start of the 2nd Half would be the same as it was in last year’s Blackout. Cincy down 13-10, took the ball and drove deep into Ravens territory. But once again, the SOS defense came up big. “Chase at the bottom of your screen, Burrow to the end zone, (SOS TIME! SOS TIME! SOS TIME! SOS TIME!) Intercepted! Picked off by Stone. Geno Stone with blockers in front, and he’s going to go out of bounds.” You tend to forget that even without Marlon Humphrey and Marcus Williams the Ravens still have ball hawks in the secondary. (The Salty Marylander was right about Stone, the more minutes he gets, the better he plays) Even if Stone went out of bounds instead of trying to go for a pick six, he set up the offense to take a big shot down the field. “Lamar with time, going deep, 20 yard line, Zay Flowers reaches up and MAKES THE CATCH AT THE 10!” (I couldn’t get the Sandusky call of the interception, so why not use his reaction to this catch here) Marylander: JOY! STICK! Narrator: That’s right baby! Zay Flowers in double coverage becomes a man amongst boys. That all led to Mark Andrews scoring his first TD since Week 6 of last year. (You wanted another Fumble in the Jungle? Too bad, Gold Mine clearly broke the plane) Leading 20-10, Baltimore looked like they were in control. But then the Bungles finally had to unleash their offensive talent. It may have taken them 13 plays but Cincy scored a much needed TD thanks to Tee Higgins mossing ArDarius Washington. (You have a smaller guy on Higgins because he can moss anyone at that size) Once again the pressure was on Lamar, and Todd Monken. They rose up to the task at hand! Despite the officials doing everything they can to give the Bungles and Zac Taylor an undeserved win, the will of Planet LJ and the offense couldn’t be contained. Baltimore was converting key 3rd Downs on repeat, including a 3rd and 5 dagger to Nelson Agholor. (OBJ and Andrews banged up, no problem, they’ve got weapons across the board) Leading 27-17, the defense would once again wreck havoc on the Cool Kids from the Queen City. Forcing a 3 and out should do the trick. Look at this everyone, Baltimore is marching the Bungles out of their own building as… Marylander: HOW MANY TIMES ARE THE ZEBRAS TRYING TO SCREW US OVER! THE NFL DOESN’T WANT LAMAR JACKSON TO ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING SIGNIFICANT! SOMEBODY STOP THIS!!! PAUSE.
Narrator: Cincy gets possession of the ball after the officials gift wrapped them a chance to get back in it, and proceed to do just that. Turns out that being short handed in the secondary was going to take its toll eventually. Despite holding them out twice inside the 10 yard line, Baltimore couldn’t contain the excellent hands of Tee Higgins. Now it’s a 3 point game again. The confidence of every Bengal fan in attendance grew dramatically. The amount of chirping their fans did at Roquan Smith near the Ravens sideline was nonstop. It looked as if the Boys in Purple were about to blow another double digit lead in the 4th Quarter, as well as Joe Burrow proving why he’s a Top 3 QB. (Bengals stuff the Ravens on 2 straight plays) Marylander: GUYS IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN! Narrator: Don’t worry Salty Marylander, look at all of this High End Talent. “HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY!” You tend to forget that Planet LJ is a clutch player who never lacks big moments. (Todd Monken and all of the new weapons are definitely helping) All they need now is one first down to send the Jungle into a sting of shock. “The give to Edwards, up the middle, he’s got the 1st Down!” (Get Low playing) Game! Set! Match! (We’re all Boy Wonder Johnny Harbaugh right now) Raven Bros: Whistling (TO THE WINDOW! TO THE WALL! ALL Y’ALL BUNGLES CRAW! THE RAVENS STANDING TALL!) PAUSE.
Marylander: I got one thing to say to everyone in Cincinnati, WHAT HAPPENED BUNGLES! WHAT HAPPENED! ALL OFFSEASON! ALL OFFSEASON, ALL YOU DID WAS TALK! THE RAVENS ARE DONE! LAMAR’S OVERRATED! HE CAN’T THROW! BALTIMORE’S NOT GONNA MAKE THE PLAYOFFS! WIN-CINNATI! HOW WE DOING NOW!? HOW ARE WE DOING NOW CINCY!? Raven Bros: Whistling (WIN-CINNATI MY ASS!) Narrator: Guys come here! Poe: Whistling (What’s going on?) Narrator: The Orioles have a chance to clinch a playoff berth! Edgar: Whistling (How so?) Narrator: They have the winning run at 3rd with 1 out in the bottom of the 11. Allan: Whistling (Alright boys, let’s watch!) “Mullins into center field, this should do it! Margot going back, IT DOES NOT MATTER! Adley Rutschman will score! And the Orioles, who clinched a postseason berth just a few minutes ago, SEAL THEIR FATE WITH A WALK OFF WIN!” (Camden Yards Siren) ( FULL MARYLANDER ACTIVATED! FULL MARYLANDER ACTIVATED! FULL MARYLANDER ACTIVATED! THE YEAR OF THE BALTIMORE BIRDS!) Whole Cast: OH MY GOD! YEEEEEEEEEEEES HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (FULL MARYLANDER ACTIVATED! FULL MARYLANDER ACTIVATED! FULL MARYLANDER ACTIVATED! IT DOESN’T GET BETTER THAN THIS!)
Narrator: (R-E-S-P-E-C-T playing) What a day for Baltimore Sports! The Ravens get their revenge on the Bungles, and the Orioles walk off the Rays to clinch a playoff berth. What a better way to make yourselves known as perhaps the Capital of the Sports World in America. In the Ravens case, there are still a few things to work on, but holy cow, did they impose their will. There’s still plenty of time in this season to fully gel, but the offense is on the right track, and by the way they should be getting Marlo back any week now. All Hail, the insufferable Marylanders as we squash whatever hope you have of beating us. Festivus Season is already beginning in the case of the Birds playing at Camden Yards. Like the flow of the Inner Harbor rolling down stream, SO ARE THE CHARM CITY BEASTS! Whole Cast: WHO DEY! WHO DEY! WHO DEY THINK GONNA BEAT DEM BENGALS! WHO DEY! WHO DEY! WHO DEY THINK GONNA BEAT DEM BENGALS! THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA RAVENS!!! (Prepare for the Insufferability!)
Bragging Rights Sports 