(Omar Whistle/Warriors playing)…………………………………………………………………………..
Bragging Rights Sports Presents:
A Maryland Culture Production
CHARM CITY BEASTS
The Unrivaled Themed Story of the Baltimore Ravens
In This Town, Determination, BECOMES OBSESSION!
AND THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS!
S…..O…..S!
YOU CAN’T CLIP THESE WINGS!
Lamar Jackson, Mark Andrews, Odell Beckham Jr, Zay Flowers, Roquan Smith, Marlon Humphrey, Jadeveon Clowney, Marcus Williams, Kyle Hamilton, Justin Tucker, Eric DeCosta, Ozzie Newsome, Todd Monken, Mike Macdonald, Sashi Brown, Steve Bisciotti, with the Raven Brothers, and the Salty Marylander/Narrator Michael Hession.
(Season 4) Episode 1: The Search Begins
O-O-O-O-O-O-O! O-O-O-O-O-O-O!
Narrator: (Where The Streets Have No Name playing) Oh what a feeling this is right now! What seemed to be unlikely during the winter has become reality. Baltimore is pretty much in the center of the sports world once again! The Orioles have the 2nd best record in baseball thanks to a young exciting bunch that has captivated fans across the country. (Just don’t mention anything about John Angelos suspending Kevin Brown for no reason) Baltimore’s own Gervonta “Tank” Davis is still unbeaten in his boxing career. WWE icon and former Ravens Cheerleader Stacy Keibler was inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame this year. And most importantly the beloved Ravens have Super Bowl ambitions going into the 2023 NFL Season. As for the Boys in Purple, it’s been a chaotic and eventful 8 months since their Wild Card loss to Cincinnati. The resignings of Greg Roman and Steve Saunders to the delight of the talking heads on 98 Rock, and 105.7 the Fan, the arrival of Odell Beckham Jr, Planet LJ’s contract extension, the arrival of a rookie nicknamed Joystick, and oh by the way during the preseason opener the iconic U2 entrance returned. Not to mention for the first time since 2007, the Raven Brothers are back together and healthy for a full season. Poe: Whistling (You bet we are!) Edgar: Whistling (Thanks for giving us a 2nd chance Mr. Bisciotti) Allan: Whistling (Let the fun begin!)
Narrator: And what better way to open this new season with a skit from the Raven Brothers. Take it away, Salty Marylander. Marylander: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! NOW FOR THE OPENING ACT! THE RAVEN BROTHERS AND THE INDOOR RUNNING OF THE BULLS! Crowd: YEAAAAAAAAAH! Narrator: I see they’re taking a page from Gonzo in Muppets Most Wanted. Marylander: Only this time we put Bubble Wrap on the rascals. Narrator: I know you put Poe in Bubble Wrap during the preseason opener, but Edgar and Allan now have it too. Marylander: Yep, plus its bull horn proof. Poe: Whistling (COOL!) Narrator: Alright, here’s how this works. The rascals will each have 4 bulls, and they can ride only one of them. However, if you fall off the bull, YOU’RE OUT! Edgar: Whistling (Oh, ok. I like this gameplan) Narrator: Alright. Are you ready? Raven Bros: Whistling (Yes sir!) Narrator: GO! (Bad News Bears theme playing) Marylander: And they’re off! It’s a feeding frenzy right away as there’s no true favorite thanks to this being a battle of toughness. Here comes the swinging ropes as you’re somehow allowed to use them. Narrator: Allan wanted them in the rulebook, and well he gets his wish. Marylander: Oh I see. AND ALLAN GOT KNOCKED HIGH INTO THE AIR AND SOMEHOW STAYS ON! Narrator: I don’t know how he did it? Marylander: Me neither. AND HOLD ON A SECOND EDGAR GOES DOWN! HE WAS BACK KICKED OFF HIS OWN BULL AND BOY DOES THAT HURT! Edgar: Whistling (Welp, so much for winning the first skit) Marylander: It’s down to two now. Who’s Going to Take the Early Lead in Skit Points this year? AND ALLAN GETS KNOCKED OUT LIKE A COWBOY TRYING TO SURVIVE A RODEO! AND POE FIRES THE OPENING SALVO IN THE SEASON SKIT COMPETITION! SANTA MARIA! Poe: Whistling (Take that, bros!) Allan: Whistling (Poe, you were using a rope) Poe: Whistling (That’s not cheating bro. Wasn’t that your idea?) Marylander: And just like that Allan must cry foul as Poe wins the first skit of the season! (Poe: 1 Edgar/Allan: 0) Narrator: Good work boys, now let’s get to the action going on in training camp.
There has been plenty of action taking place this summer. One major point of discussion was the Ravens NFL Record 24 game preseason win streak, which in the eyes of the Salty Marylander is a useless record. (I mean the only meaningful fact about that streak was that it shows how deep the Ravens roster is) After beating the Eagles in the preseason opener the Boys in Purple traveled 38 miles down the road to face their crosstown rivals in the Commanders. Despite putting up 28 points and plenty of yards through the air, the win streak in August came to end thanks to Washington playing their offensive starters in the 1st Half, and Mike Man’s all out blitz experiment failing in the final minute. (Luckily we won’t see that package much this year) Salty Marylander, what do you think? Marylander: The streak may be over thank god but we got bigger issues. Narrator: Why’s that? (Cold War Theme playing) Marylander: This game may have sparked football’s version of the Cold War. Narrator: You mean our rivalry with the Commies becoming a battle for Beltway Area Bragging Rights. Marylander: Yes, they want their fanbase back now that Josh Harris and Magic Johnson are running the franchise. WE’RE NOT GONNA LET THEM GET THOSE FANS BACK! Narrator: I mean they did have a large fanbase in Virginia, and most of the DC area during the 80s and 90s. But as long as they don’t try to market their team into our territory we’re ok. Marylander: Yeah, if they do that, we’ll market the Ravens to the people of DC as payback. Narrator: Sounds like a plan. Back to the good stuff. The Boys in Purple are trying to make a serious push for the Lombardi Trophy as they usually are. To do this they need to fill the remaining holes on the roster. One of them is depth at edge rusher. Justin Houston and Jason Pierre Paul left in free agency even if age caught up to both of them, but they can always find other options on the market. Marylander: Lets see, a guy with a massive chip on his shoulder, has a reputation of being a solid run defender and veteran leader, a guy who has played in the AFC North, and is looking for a ring. That’s it, Jadeveon Clowney. Narrator: Well, I never thought he’d end up in a Ravens uniform. Turns out that Sashi Brown wants to get as many former Browns as possible so he can get revenge on Haslam. However the signing of the former #1 overall pick does come at a cost. (BOOM!) Marlon Humphrey. Marylander: OH YOU ROTTEN BASTARDS! HOW MANY TIMES ARE THE GOD’S GONNA TROLL US DESPITE CHANGING THE CONDITIONING!? (Luckily it’s minor foot surgery and he should be back by late September) ALL THIS! PAUSE.
Narrator: Luckily, Eric DeCosta was Johnny on the Spot. He saw that Ronald Darby was on the open market and made the move to try and get him. They did. He may not be what he was as an Eagle, but he’s still a good player for what he is. (Hopefully he and Rock Ya-Sin should fill the mantle that Humphrey has left) Once again some of the biggest headlines of the offseason involve the Ravens going head to head with The Bungles Who Cried Wolf on Social Media. Odell Beckham Jr was interviewed by Peter King, and was asked about what his statline in Super Bowl LVI would have been had he not torn his ACL. OBJ made the comment in saying that he would have gone over 150 yards receiving at minimum. (Sounds like a good take considering that Cincy had all eyes on Cooper Kupp) However, Cincinnati took offense to Beckham’s claim. Tyler Boyd said Coulda Woulda Shoulda in response to that interview, only for Rashod Bateman, and Patrick Queen to come swinging right back in OBJ’s defense. Next came JaMarr Chase, who like last year has learned nothing from when he called Uncle Ro a naughty bad boy once again opened his big mouth. (Roquan did nothing wrong, Chase looked like Marcus Smart with that flop) This time when asked about the comparisons of Joe Burrow to Patrick Mahomes he said Pat Who? (Marylander: You really just said that didn’t you Lil Baby lookalike) Yep he poked the bear didn’t he? Not only that but he also called out some of the better cornerbacks in football. In particular he took another swing at Marlo. Having learned nothing from when he, Tee Higgins, and Boyd threw Mike Man under the bus last year, he called Humphrey burnt toast. (You’re really living off one game in 2021 against him aren’t you?) That’s not even the end of this story. They signed Orlando Brown this offseason, and have the pure delusions into thinking he will solve all of their O-Line problems. (They do realize he’s better from the right side than the left. Michael Oher 2.0) Baby Zeus also stated that Todd Monken would have a similar style as Roman did. Um, did you not watch him at Georgia? The worst came from the Insufferable Jungle as the Salty Marylander calls them. Not only making claims of an undefeated season, they drank the stupid juice now that the Reds have become a solid team in baseball. Do you want to know what their city’s newest motto is along with the Queen City, and the Jungle? It’s going to be something that no one since Sacksonville in 2017 has had the delusions to come up with. (And their mayor issued a paternity test for both Mahomes and Lamar in 2022. You’re asking for trouble) You sure you’re ready for it. Well here it is. (DRAMATIC MUSIC) (Cincy fans dub the nickname Win-cinnati for both the Reds and Bengals) Whole Cast: WIN-CINNATI HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (You suck for 30+ years, then get lucky for 2 years because of injuries, and bad luck plaguing the entire AFC North. And then you dub yourselves THAT! Now you know why the Bungles are their namesake) PAUSE.
Narrator: Alright, alright. Settle down everyone. Another trend showing in Training Camp was the limited amount of injuries. Other than Marlo, Nick Moore, and Tyus Bowser, every key starter is healthy, plus Scott Elliott’s new conditioning system has been a major success. Boy Wonder Johnny Harbaugh to no one’s surprise said that we’ve done a good job managing injuries, I’m excited to see how good our team is compared to others around the league. (No Flockin by Kodak Black playing) In his eyes this team could be very dangerous as… Um, what’s that I’m hearing? I wonder why there’s music playing on the sound speakers? Allan: Whistling (Flock Nation, I got whole cash, stacks of money here. I got problems. On my whole act. Got my lab with me. Pop a Bungle. Like a dunk tank. Shopping on the net.) Narrator: Allan what the heck are you doing? Allan: Whistling (I’m doing my best Zay Flowers impersonation at the Rookie Talent Show) Narrator: OH! Ok I see you buddy. Edgar, Poe, What do you think? Edgar: Whistling (I could hear him practicing for hours while I was lifting weights, well it turns out all the preparation paid off) Poe: Whistling (I was having a snow cone, chilling out maxing and relaxing. It felt cozy with Allan rapping in the background) Narrator: Well it turns out that Joystick’s rendition of No Flockin has now become the 2nd Greatest Act in Ravens Rookie Talent Show History only trailing Tim Johnson’s imitation of Shannon Sharpe in 2001. Poe: Whistling (Well yeah, I knew that Goose had something to do with that. I knew Goose had something to do with that and I told Goose then I said Goose I want my restitution. You embarrassed me) Whole Cast: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Edgar: Whistling (We can begin talking again I forgot what we were talking about. That’s why I got two bowies and you don’t) Whole Cast: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! PAUSE.
Narrator: Enough skits, and humor guys, let’s just get to the matchup this week. Coming in M&T Bank Stadium is an upstart opponent who just went through a complete roster makeover, and one who the Ravens have enjoyed beating. The Texans. Winners of 9 out of 11 against this once derelict franchise, the Boys in Purple are looking to make their first big statement of the 2023 NFL Season. (The Ravens haven’t lost an Opening Day Game at home since 2005 either) Like Baltimore, Houston has plenty of new pieces to work with as mentioned. They hired DeMeco Ryans as Head Coach, drafted CJ Stroud and Will Anderson (If only they traded the 1st Round pick from Cleveland instead of their own), plus have many young and inexperienced players on their roster. In a way it feels like when the Ravens played the Jets to open the season a year ago. A young hungry team looking to play spoiler, but who should get stronger as the season goes on. This game has high emotions for the fans in attendance. On a day where the Ravens honor 25 years of football at M&T with pretty much the entire team alumni in attendance (40+ former players and several former coaches to be exact), all of the new toys promised by DeCosta and Steve Bisciotti will be on display. (Even old PA Announcer Bruce Cunningham was on hand to witness the spectacle) Raven Brothers. Raven Bros: Whistling (Yes buddy) Narrator: Remember how excited you were when you guys first hatched on this field 25 years ago? Raven Bros: Whistling (Yes Sir) Narrator: Use that same energy when you run out during the intros. Raven Bros: Whistling (GOTCHA!) “Ladies and Gentlemen! HERE COME THE RAVENS!” (Flares going skyward)
Narrator: The start of this game would be typical from a Week 1 perspective. Defense being the name of the game. Both Lamar and Stroud would be suffocated early on thanks to both teams’ pass rushes being strong. Especially the Boys in Purple as Patrick Queen came in unscathed for a huge sack on 4th and 1. Here it was, the chance to make the early gamble by Houston backfire, but Planet LJ gave it right back to the Texans with an interception. (Thank goodness the Salty Marylander had technical problems with his live stream at the time) The growing pains of learning a new offense while facing a defense that has very high potential is a tough assignment. It’s ok because the SOS unit is making things hard for Texans OC Bobby Slowek. With the defense and crowd getting in the head of the 1st Round pick from Ohio State, Joystick was making a nice opening statement in his league debut. His key reception on 3rd and 5, set up the opening touchdown. (Be careful JK, don’t hurt that leg too much) So far it’s all good despite the rust early on. But then came the element that Ravens fans are very familiar with. REFBALL. Marylander: UGH! NOT THIS ALREADY! Narrator: Some of it was terrible officiating, other was clueless mistakes. In the 1st Half, Baltimore committed 9 penalties for nearly 100 yards. Despite the sloppiness, and excellent showing by DeMeco Ryans’ defense, the Ravens still held a 1 point lead at halftime. (At least the halftime show which honored some of the greatest plays and moments in M&T Bank Stadium History was good I guess)
As the 2nd Half began the Salty Marylander’s assumption of Boy Wonder taking the players phones away from them at halftime seemed accurate. Baltimore looked like a much different team once they came out of the locker room. Poe: Whistling (It sucks for them, but it’s the only option) Narrator: True that Poe. On the opening possession, the defense continued its attack on all things CJ Stroud by sacking him and forcing a 3 and out. There with a chance to extend their lead, the Ravens quickly went to work with Joystick and the Dark Knight finding spaces in the opposing secondary. Justice Hill would do the rest. Allan: Whistling (We also got a 2 point conversion thanks to an offsides call) Narrator: There you go. Even as the Texans try everything they can to get back in the game, the will of Mike Man and his defense can’t be contained. Just look at this 4th and 1 play. Marylander: “They’re going to give it to Pierce, and Pierce is going to get STOPPED BEHIND THE LINE TO GAIN! THE RAVENS DEFENSE STOPS EM! S! O! S!” Edgar: Whistling (Great call, Salty Marylander!) Marylander: You’re welcome Edgar. Narrator: Once again, the Ravens, given a short field, marched right towards another touchdown from Justice Hill. The key play was a PI call against Houston on a deep pass intended for OBJ. (He didn’t have many catches, but Beckham helped out in so many different ways in this one) Now this feels like normal, nothing can stop this team as… Marylander: OH CRUD! I THOUGHT WE WERE DONE WITH THE BOTCHED SNAP EXCHANGE NONSENSE! SOMEBODY GET THIS FIX QUICKLY! (Just what the Ravens didn’t want to see happen) PAUSE.
Narrator; Just like in the 1st Half, Houston drove deep into Baltimore territory, but the Boys in Purple stepped up and stopped the Texans again. Just like on their 15 play drive before halftime, Houston could only get a field goal out of it. Despite leading 22-9, the mood in the stadium was becoming uneven. Especially with how many blown leads this unit had a year ago. But then, (CRACK!) One small injury to George Fant was key to the knockout blow. Now down to their 3rd string RT, David Ojabo was about to have a free path towards a familiar foe. Marylander: “Here comes Ojabo off the edge, LOOKOUT IT’S A FUMBLE! IT’S PICKED UP ON THE GROUND! It’s a scrum for it, let’s see who’s got it? (SOS ALERT! SOS ALERT! SOS ALERT! SOS ALERT!) PICKED UP BY THE RAVENS!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! O! JA! BO!” Narrator: Shades of the Ohio State vs Michigan game in 2021. David Ojabo putting the dagger in the heart of CJ Stroud, and denying any chance of a comeback. Then 3 plays later Marylander “CAUGHT BY BECKHAM! HE’S GOT IT AT THE 10 YARD LINE! O! B! J!” Narrator: Beckhams clutch catch set up a Justin Tucker field goal to put the game out of reach. As a result, Baltimore improves to 1-0. Life is good. Raven Bros: Whistling (HOW SWEET IT IS!) PAUSE.
Narrator: A nice way to open the season. It’s still a long road ahead of them. But the Ravens compared to some of the other AFC Contenders played better than any of them. (The Chiefs, Bills, Bengals, and Steelers all lost. The only one that came close was Jacksonville) However it did come at a cost. (BOOM!) JK Dobbins. Out for the season with a torn achilles. At least they still have Gus Edwards and Justice Hill I guess. (Melvin Gordon and Keaton Mitchell too) Not to mention Ronnie Stanley and Tyler Linderbaum will probably be out for the next couple of weeks. And to add just a bit more fuel to this fire. (BOOM!) Marcus Williams suffered a torn pec, luckily he won’t need any surgery and will miss the next 6 weeks. Salty Marylander, how do you feel? Marylander: Boys. Narrator/Raven Bros: Yes. Marylander: We need to find Scott Elliott and tie him in notts. Narrator: Um, that’s not nice. Marylander: I DON’T CARE! WE NEED TO GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS! Narrator: Fine. make sure they don’t know we’re here. Marylander: GOT IT!
(2 Hours Later)
Narrator: Ok gang, lets see who Scott Elliott really is? (DRAMATIC MUSIC) Whole Cast: STEVE SAUNDERS!!! Poe: Whistling (Just as I thought) Edgar: Whistling (How did all of this happen?) Marylander: Well Edgar, if you watched our weekly hype videos, it showed some of our players lifting weights in the weightroom, and the conditioning coach was in there telling the guys to keep on lifting so they can prove how strong they were compared to other teams across the NFL. Saunders: And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for that Salty Marylander, AND YOU MEDDLING KIDS! Narrator: Alright Raven Brothers, take him away. Allan: Whistling (Aye Captain) Narrator: I know it’s only one game, but right now it’s hard to say whether this team has major flaws. They have a new offense, they looked rusty, and I must give a lot of credit to the Texans for hanging in there for most of the game. (That team is like last year’s Jets. They will get better as the year goes on) Next week against the Bungles in Cincy in one of the most highly anticipated matchups of this young season, and it will be a chance to see where the Ravens are right now. Like Real Fan Dan doing an Orioles chant during a Raven game, so are the Charm City Beasts! Raven Bros: Whistling (R-A-V-E-N-S RAVENS!) Marylander: O-R-I-O-L-E-S ORIOLES! Whole Cast: B-A-L-T-I-M-O-R-E BALTIMORE!
Alex Collins 1994-2023, Ryan Mallett 1988-2023
Bragging Rights Sports 