(Omar Whistle/Warriors playing)……………………………………………………………………………….
Bragging Rights Sports Presents:
A Maryland Culture Production
“In 1996, they arrived in Baltimore away from an angry Dawg Pound. They have been criticized by many people outside of their city ever since their inception. Despite 2 championships and many Hall of Famers they get little respect. They get called names such as Murderer, Running Back, Hypocrite, Overrated, Soft, and others. But even if they are disrespected more than any team in the NFL the goal is still the same. Win the Lombardi Trophy. No one outside of the 410 cares about them, yet they work harder every single day. These boys have a swagger, and like to be pushed no matter what. We as Marylanders call them…………………………….”
CHARM CITY BEASTS
The Unrivaled Themed Story of the Baltimore Ravens
(It’s Never Pretty, It’s Never Perfect, BUT IT IS US!)
(XXXV, XLVII)
(BIG TRUZZ)
(THE TEAM, THE TEAM, THE TEAM)
Lamar Jackson, Mark Andrews, JK Dobbins, Justin Tucker, Marlon Humphrey, Rock Ya-Sin, Roquan Smith, Odell Beckham Jr, Gus Edwards, John Harbaugh, Eric DeCosta, Ozzie Newsome, Todd Monken, Mike Macdonald, Sashi Brown, Steve Bisciotti, with the Raven Brothers, and the Salty Marylander/Narrator Michael Hession.
Season 3 Episode 21: Everything Sounds Normal Again
WHO’S GOT IT BETTER THAN US!? NOOOOOOOBODY!
Narrator: You hear that sound. No more drama. No more uncertainty. No more anxiety. No more trade rumors. We can finally relax. We can sit back and enjoy the Ravens annual Beach Bash in Ocean City. I can lay in the sand and chill out with Poe. Is that right buddy? Poe: Whistling (Ah, I love this) Narrator: Same. Where are the others? Poe: Whistling (They rented a yacht, and are water tubing right now)
Allan: Whistling (THIS IS SO MUCH FUN!) Edgar: Whistling (Enjoying a snow cone in the sun while riding a yacht. Nothing like it) Allan: Whistling ( I need a break) Edgar: Whistling (Allan needs a rest) Marylander: Ok. My phone’s ringing. It’s the narrator. What up bro? Narrator: I see you three are water tubing near the Boardwalk. Marylander: Yes, Edgar, and Allan are having a blast. You and Poe plan on coming. Narrator: Sure, Poe brought his paddleboard with him so the two of us will meet you right around the Boardwalk. Marylander: Sounds great.
(1 HOUR LATER)
Narrator: Wow, you guys are so good looking. Edgar, I see you with the lifeguard gear. Edgar: Whistling (I was a lifeguard in OC during retirement so I know the score) Narrator: That’s cool. Now Allan, where did you get that scuba suit? Allan: Whistling (I also enjoy swimming especially in deep water?) Narrator: Sweet. And of course Poe is repping the Maryland Crabs swim suit I see. Poe: Whistling (Gotta be festive buddy) So what have you guys been up to while Poe and I were at a team Pep Rally in one of the bars? Marylander: Besides water tubing, Allan rented a jet ski, and he raced our boat and won. Narrator: Wow. How fast were you going? Edgar: Whistling (Our boat went 60 MPH, but Allan was going full speed ahead on the jet ski) Narrator: Holy Cow! Marylander: Not to mention Edgar went an entire hour without falling off the tube. Edgar: Whistling (The Salty Marylander plus a swarm of nearby dolphins tried flipping the tube over yet I still was able to hold on.) Marylander: Yeah, I was in awe of that. Narrator: Well Edgar is the fitness major of our crew so this isn’t surprising. Poe: Whistling (Can I go tubing?) Marylander: Sure Poe.
(20 MINUTES LATER)
Poe: Whistling (Weeeeeee! This is awesome!) Narrator: How’s Poe doing? Edgar: Whistling (Looks like he’s having a blast) Poe: Whistling (Slow down!) Narrator: Salty Marylander, Poe wants you to slow the boat down. How do you feel? Poe: Whistling (I feel good. Edgar, Allan, you want to join me) Edgar: Whistling (Alright let’s go) Narrator: Lets see how long the Raven Brothers can go without one of them falling?
(40 MINUTES LATER)
Raven Bros: Whistling (WEEEEEEEEEEE!) BOOM! Marylander: Look out! (SPLASH!) Narrator: Was that the swarm of dolphins you were talking about? Marylander: Yes! Raven Bros: Whistling (THAT WAS SO FUN!) Narrator: Can you guys get to the boat? Edgar/Poe: Whistling (Yes) Narrator: Now where’s Allan? Edgar: Whistling (I don’t know) Allan: Whistling (YEEEE HAA!) Narrator: And he’s riding a dolphin. Look at him! Marylander: We need to catch that dolphin and eat him for dinner! Poe, do the honors, but don’t land the fishing ore on your older brother. Poe: Whistling (AYE CAPTAIN!)
(A FEW MOMENTS LATER)
Allan: Whistling (Poe why did you just so happen to kill that dolphin I was riding) Poe: Whistling (We don’t like dolphins around here, especially since one of them destroyed our office last year) Allan: Whistling (Oh I forgot.) Marylander: Plus we need some dinner. So how bout grilled dolphin on a stick. Edgar: Whistling (DE-LICIOUS!) Narrator: Be lucky Allan that Poe’s ore didn’t hit you because Edgar would have had to swim all the way out there to save your life. Allan: Whistling (Ah, the relief) PAUSE.
Narrator: Now that we have the skit in Ocean City during Beach Bash out of the way, we now get to the headlines since the NFL Draft. First being the Schedule Release in early May. The biggest takeaway of the 2023 schedule is that the Boys in Purple have an absolutely brutal schedule away from home. 4 out of 5 on the road early in the season including 3 division games and a game in London. Marylander: UGH NOT LONDON! I DON’T WANT TO GO BACK THERE! Edgar: Whistling (Don’t worry Salty Marylander, this time will be different.) Narrator: Plus I don’t think you or Allan ever got to go in 2017. Allan: Whistling (Oh that’s right. Poe didn’t bring us. Now we all get to go) Poe: Whistling (LOVE IT!) Narrator: Anyways let’s get back to the schedule. This year’s Blackout unlike most years isn’t going to be showcased on Sunday Night Football. But this time they’ll get the same opponent as last year, except this time it’ll be a Thursday Night Game. Raven Bros: Whistling (OOOOOOH! AAAAAAH!) (The Lamar and Taylor Rooks 1 on 1 that week will be spicy) And in December the Ravens have 3 night games on the road including one on Christmas Night in San Francisco, plus they end the season at home against Miami and Pittsburgh. Edgar: Whistling (Can the NFL please give us a home game on Christmas instead of making us travel across the country) Narrator: Edgar I’m with you. In the words of the Salty Marylander I want a Thanksgiving or Christmas Night Game in Baltimore BADLY! Marylander: I’m with you sir. Narrator: Another big headline was Odell Beckham Jr fitting right in with the Maryland Culture. At the Preakness this past May, OBJ was elected to call the riders up before the race began. And fittingly the horse that Planet LJ picked who just happened to be called National Treasure won in a close affair. Poe: Whistling (That’s who I picked too) Narrator: Good call Poe.
Just a few days before the Preakness, David Ojabo and Terrell Suggs got into a friendly argument. Ojabo asked T-Sizzle if he could wear #55. Suggs like most Ravens fans politely said no. (They learned from Marquise Brown taking Joe Flacco’s #5 in 2021) Ojabo then said at a press conference that week that he was cool with sticking with #90 in the long run. (As long as he plays like he did at Michigan he’ll be fine) The biggest debate of the offseason would be the bidding war for a player that Raven fans have been begging for since 2020. DeAndre Hopkins. Even after signing Odell Beckham, the fans plus the talking heads on 105.7 the Fan, and 98 Rock aren’t satisfied. They want more receivers darn it! (Can we just accept that Baltimore has other areas to fill, like Pass Rusher Depth, and Corner Depth) The reasoning was because as 410 Sports Talk Host Glenn Martin stated, “We can’t let Cleveland get their hands on him.” (I’m not sure if that’s the exact quote, but it was something like that) The Marylanders have been well aware of Jimmy Haslam drinking the stupid juice in getting big time players that look nice on paper. (Examples: OBJ before LA, Deshaun Watson, Baker Mayfield, Johnny Football) The reasoning that Cleveland is in the running is only because Hopkins was with Watson in Houston. (And D-Hop covered many of Watson’s flaws) Marylander: True. As long as he doesn’t go there or KC I’m fine with it. Narrator: If not the Ravens, where do you think he should go? Marylander: The Patriots because of Bill O’Brien now being there, and Belichick needs the new age Randy Moss. Narrator: Ok, I see you. You still think we should try and get him. Marylander: I hope so, but you’re right, we have other needs as well.
While the D-Hop sweepstakes have been brewing, the futures of both JK Dobbins and Patrick Queen are up in the air. Both of them are entering contract seasons, and if they play up to their potentials, they are more than likely getting extended. Boy Wonder Johnny Harbaugh made that clear during OTAs. (EDC, and Sashi agreed with that) Speaking of Queen, he, like Marlon Humphrey last year, got trolled by EA Sports in their Madden cover reveal video. The video featured both he and Geno Stone getting run over by Madden 24 Cover Athlete Josh Allen. Luckily for PQ and Stone, his teammates would have their backs. Marlo stated that he was motivated by getting run over by Nick Chubb in the reveal video last year, and he hopes that Queen and Stone will do the same. (Humphrey didn’t allow a TD all season last year. That’s how you know he was mad) Marcus Williams told Kay Adams in a 1 on 1 interview that he too was also fired up by EA poking their defense. (To be fair that company is run by Yinzers despite being located in Orlando and LA) Allan: Whistling (Leave our boys alone EA Sports) Narrator: You get em Allan. They need some sense put into them. Finally comes a debate on ESPN between two Yinzers about who the biggest threat to the Chiefs in the AFC would be. Ryan Clark, despite being an LSU alumni member, former Steeler, and supporter of Burrow and Chase chose the Boys in Purple. His reasoning was because of Planet LJ being back long term, the additions of OBJ, Todd Monken, and Zay Flowers, plus the vaunted SOS Squad on defense. But to the surprise of no one in Charm City, Stephen A Smith countered by saying Cincinnati because they, unlike the Ravens, have proven to be trouble to Kansas City. Marylander: I would agree with Stephen A, but why would I support the Bungles Who Cried Wolf? Narrator: The Bungles Who Cried Wolf. When have I heard that before? Edgar: Whistling (He said that during the NFL Postseason Preview last season) Narrator: Oh that’s right. Marylander: You want to know something about their fans? Narrator: Sure. Marylander: They dubbed themselves, WIN-CINNATI!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (You have no rings and go 30 years without a playoff win. Then you dub yourselves Win-cinnati after 2 years of lucky circumstances. Delusional and Insufferable at the same time) PAUSE.
Narrator: The Raven Brothers were right. The Boys in Purple are on the way back up towards the top yet the media and a fanbase that is turned into #Sacksonville 2.0 has no trust in them. Raven Bros: Whistling (BUT WE DON’T CARE AT ALL!) Narrator: Will they be right, who knows. But until then the insufferability of Marylanders both in the NFL and MLB will continue to reign supreme. Just another day’s work in the exciting series that is Charm City Beasts. Marylander: WE’RE GHANTA SUPER BOWL AND WORLD SERIES! (Can Tampa Bay please stop winning, IT’S THE YEAR OF THE B-MORE BIRDS DARN IT!)
Bragging Rights Sports 