The NFL has gotten crazy alright, many narratives around this league are hitting during the grand finale of the regular season, and due to the Damar Hamlin injury, the AFC has gotten complicated. Enough introductions let’s get to the games that don’t mean anything. The crucial ones will be saved towards the end.
Before we begin we have a few teams to send to the elimination room, or playoff land. (Sorry I was in mourning of the Bills situation) Carry on.
Jets ELIMINATED (NO SOUP FOR YOU JETS!)
Panthers ELIMINATED (NO SOUP FOR YOU CAROLINA!)
Saints ELIMINATED (NO SOUP FOR YOU NEW ORLEANS!)
Commanders ELIMINATED (NO SOUP FOR YOU WASHINGTON!)
Buccaneers QUALIFIED (HOORAY!)
Giants QUALIFIED (HOORAY!)
Chargers QUALIFIED (HOORAY!)
Chiefs vs Raiders: Kansas City has a chance to knock down Vegas and captured yet another #1 seed. They did that alright in front of an audience full of red jerseys. I know the narrative is to say that the Raiders are a mess, but let me be clear. Not many teams can get past the Chiefs and their now deadly balance of run and pass. Jarret Stidham I’m sorry, but you must suffer under the Red Wood Forest as they squish your hopes of reliving that shootout last week with the 49ers. You know what’s blasphemous? Mark Davis is upset that each of the past two weeks has been dominated by opposing fans. You were playing the 49ers and Chiefs. Both teams have historically large fan bases that travel, and you play in Vegas where if you don’t win they won’t come. But they sell out for the Golden Knights you say. That’s because they have the 2nd best record in the NHL this season. What’s your excuse? I forgive you RaiderNation for saying that your 1st belongs to the Packers this year. You still have your first this year. Next year Green Bay has it. You better find a good replacement for Derek Carr unless you’re toast. (With the amount of deadcap they owe him, it will be tough to find one)
Panthers vs Saints: It would have been a lot easier for the Panthers had they won last week against the Buccaneers. Being consumed by Tom Brady just like in Super Bowl XXXVIII was a death blow. Now they must play for pride and Fantasy Points. This was a bad game pretty much from start to finish. Both Andy Dalton and Sam Darnold had passer ratings under 10! That’s how ugly this game was. But to be fair both teams’ defenses were in the top half of the league in points allowed in the 2nd Half of the season. It showed all day. The only reason that Carolina won was because the normally reliable Will Lutz got denied on a last minute field goal. The Saints obviously got torched after that. Even if they missed the playoffs, Carolina should be proud of themselves. To come within a game of making the dance despite all that happened is a good sign for the future. They’ll be working with house money in the offseason, and it’ll be interesting to see what they do. As for the Aints, well their 1st Round pick that’s going to Philly is now in the Top 10. OUCH!
Buccaneers vs Falcons: Ok so this game wasn’t important thanks to Tampa Bay locking up the NFC South. The Bucs rested their starters for about a half so the Falcons will use that to stat pad. I said it before and I’ll say it again. Why move heaven and earth for a QB when Desmond Ridder’s confidence is growing by the week. We saw it when he was in college and we’re seeing it here. Although it is easy to tear up a backup defense, I’ll give you that. Atlanta at least goes out on a high note with back-back wins. For the Buccaneers they have big fish to fry. Even though they are getting a home playoff game, it’s going to be against a team with everything on the line. Plus they have a huge fan base no matter where they go. Do the Football Gods a favor and beat them for the memes.
Giants vs Eagles: Due to them locking up the 6th seed, the Giants have chosen not to play spoiler and rest their starters for next week’s game in Minnesota. Although if that wasn’t the case, I think the G-Men might have won this game. Ever since Jalen Hurts got injured the Eagles have been quite beatable. He hasn’t been the same since, and some of the talent around him isn’t 100%. Although this was more of a tune up game then anything only because they hadn’t locked up the NFC East. They did just that in this game. All the doubts around them will be put on hold for another two weeks. As I said, Philadelphia is a hard team to crack. They’ve dominated all season, but flaws are starting to get to them. But I know what their fans will tell me. “We went through this in 2017 then got hot in the playoffs, and couldn’t be contained.” Well they do have a point. Because everyone thought the Eagles were done going into that postseason. If the DevilMagic returns, we will have the answer to 2012 in Baltimore. (I’m probably jumping on the bandwagon aren’t I)
Cowboys vs Commanders: There may be some good news for the Commies. They may be eliminated from the playoffs, but the villain known as Dan Snyder may be forced to sell the team this offseason. And if this is his last game then good riddance to the Damn Good Culture that never existed. But in honor of their teams from the early 80s, Washington beat the crap out of the Cowboys in a game in early January. Almost 30 years to the day when they beat them in the NFC Title Game to advance to 1982. They did also retire Sonny Jergenson’s #9. That’s also good. The formula was simple. Score a defensive touchdown, run 50 Gut in crunchtime, and force Dallas into panic mode. Which they did. If I’m the Cowboys I’d be very cautious. Considering that they laid an egg against the Commanders, plus they have to play Tom Brady who they’ve never beaten. If they lose on Wild Card Monday, I bet Jerry is pulling a “George is gonna blow up the universe” on the coaching staff. IF WE LOSE THIS GAME EVERYONES FIRED! It would be ironic of them not making it past the 2nd Round after all the smack they talked over Thanksgiving.
Ravens vs Bengals: I need some time to get myself ready for the playoffs. Charm City Beasts will be put on hold for next week because we have something special cooked up and ready to be served. I think the Ravens would say the same thing. Once the Bills vs Bengals game got canceled, Harbaugh just said you know what, let’s treat this as a scrimmage because we know we’re playing them next week. That’s what this game felt like. The biggest difference in this affair was turnovers. Cincinnati capitalized on the Ravens being forced to start Anthony Brown in place of not only Lamar but Tyler Huntley. All three of their TDs came on short fields. You can’t do that regardless of the opponent. However Baltimore hung tough. Just like in their first meeting Mike Macdonald’s defense was giving Joe Burrow fits, and it will be tough for them on Wild Card Weekend since their two best linemen are out. How can this get more ugly?
Sidenote: Well the Bungles accused the Ravens of being dirty and naughty bad boys. Sounds like FOOTBALL FOLLIE winners to me. Um, Cincy, are you dense? You are accusing your division rivals that they are dirty when you play them next week in an elimination game, and you employed Vontaze Burfict and Taylor Mays who are two of the dirtiest players of this generation. I said it before and I’m saying it again. If you are talking that much crap, YOU BETTER BACK IT UP! Calling out a division rival, especially one with the coaching staff looking for any advantage is not a good look. Burrow I’d be careful, because the Ravens are looking to Carson Palmer you any chance they get. There’s a reason why the Marylanders call them “The Bungles Who Cried Wolf.” This is exactly it. (JaMarr Chase: The Ravens are dirty and have cheap shot artists. Marylander: BOO HOO! THIS IS THE AFC NORTH! GROW UP BUNGLES!)
Chargers vs Broncos: For those that don’t understand why the Chargers didn’t rest their starters that answer is simple. Brandon Staley didn’t want an alert of what was going on in Cincinnati prior to their own game. Smart move. So with the 5 seed locked up, Staley felt like he wanted to give his team a confidence boost for next week. Too bad it backfired. Why? Both Joey Bosa and Mike Williams were knocked out of the game. Their status for the Wild Card Round is up in the air. If those two aren’t effective, then they’re in deep trouble. Although this is karma since the only reason why they’re in the playoffs is due to an easy schedule, Justin Herbert bailing out the flaws in the organization, and a weak AFC especially near the bottom. And not only that, their starters got exposed by a Broncos team that’s long been dead. If the Bolts had problems with Denver and had issues closing out the Colts and Titans, then they could get a rude awakening next week against whoever comes out of the AFC South.
Cardinals vs 49ers: The final game for both JJ Watt and potentially AJ Green. It’s too bad that their Hall of Fame careers must end on a team that’s become a mess. If you think playing Colt McCoy and past prime Trace McSorley was bad, David Blough was worse. To no one’s surprise he was carved up by San Francisco’s bruising pass rush. All day long. What the 49ers have is what the Cardinals have dreamt to have since the 40s. Elite talent on offense, structure, a potentially legendary defense, and a franchise savior. BROCK! N! ROLL! His emergence just shows how effective Kyle Shanahan’s attack has been during the regular season regardless of their QB. All this leads to the Niners locking up the 2nd seed and boasting all the momentum going into the playoffs. What does Arizona get? THE NUKE! LITERALLY! Kingsbury and Keim GONE! When this should have happened after the Wild Card game against the Rams. Why did this team trade for Marquise Browns AND give him $25M per year. That and the Kyler Murray contract has the Cardinals trapped for the next decade! And it’s their own fault.
Before we go over the big games with playoff implications, let’s go over a prize that shall not be overlooked. THE TANK BOWL!
Vikings vs Bears: This is a Tank Bowl only for the Bears. The Vikings have their spot in the playoffs locked up but they’ll still play their starters in order to be ready for next week. For about a quarter that is. You know what this game needs. Chicago being forced to start Nathan Peterman. CRACK! And he’s out due to injury. Bring in Tim Boyle to throw all the interceptions he can cook. This was no contest. Da Bears got their thing out of the way. All they are focusing on is the outcome from Indianapolis, I wonder what’s going on there that happens to be so significant. Oh that’s right. SUPER TANK BOWL 2023!
Texans vs Colts: It’s only fitting that this matchup is between two teams that tied back in Week 1, in a game that was one of the worst played all season. This one will be just as bad as the first meeting. Let me ask a question. Who would have thought the Colts would be in this position at the start of the season. Yes the Texans were supposed to be competing for the #1 pick, but Indy? This comes to show you how one team can be destroyed by a single game. It’s clear that the Colts haven’t recovered from the Clownsville game last year. And its shown all season. That’s what led them to bringing in a puppet for Irsay in Jeff Saturday. (Sorry for being so crude) These two teams have one thing in common. They both want Bryce Young. Indianapolis can only get as high as the 4th Pick, but if they want another Jeff George type of blockbuster to get that top pick they’ll pull it off. If the Texans lose, Bryce Young is all but theirs. But there is a problem at hand for Houston. Lovie Smith wants to throw a pie in Cal McNair’s face. He wants to pull off an act that would make Herman Edwards proud. YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAME! That’s what Lovie convinced his team to do regardless of draft position. As for the game it was sloppy on both sides. When there were Pick Sixes by both teams in a span of two minutes you know this game is getting crazy. The latter one allowed the Colts to score 17 unanswered points to take the lead. But even as everyone tells Houston to stop being competitive, they want to give Lovie a nice sendoff. The Texans are going to pull this one out aren’t they. “Mills, buys some time, fires towards the end zone, and it is caught! Improbable.” Ok, so not the worst thing in the world but it could be worse. (YoYo Sound) They’re going for two, sounds like Lovie doesn’t care about his team anymore, the old school mentality reigns supreme! “Who will pick first in the draft, Mills to the endzone and it is caught, Akins!” I have only one conclusion to this. Lovie Smith is the most beloved coach in Bears History not named Halas or Ditka. The tank of tanks has been destroyed! And worse the Colts moved up to the 4th pick in the draft. If they somehow pull off a Jeff George deal, this will be a bad look for the Texans. And the winner of the 2022 NFL Regular Season IS! The Chicago Bears. (HOORAY!) It may sound good on the surface but I feel like they’ll probably trade the pick to the Colts in another blockbuster deal that’ll give the Bears a future to build around. It’s the only outcome I can see happening. Indianapolis getting another generational QB. The sugar plums are dancing in their heads aren’t they.
Alright, now let’s get to the playoff seeding at long last. First off the 7th seed in the AFC. It is a three team race between the Patriots, Dolphins, and Steelers. New England gets in with a win over Buffalo, Miami with a win and Patriots loss can clinch. Or Pittsburgh with a win and losses by the Pats and Dolphins. Considering how crazy this season has been, the Yinzers are getting that spot aren’t they.
Browns vs Steelers: If so, they must get past the team that they’ve beaten like a drum for most of the past century. Cleveland. Following that emotional win in Charm City last week, it took the Steelers about a quarter for them to get things figured out. Once they did, Kenny Pickett picked up where he left off last week. Torching another division rival with precision throws, and smart decisions. It says something when Matt Canada went from being on the hot seat, to potentially saving his job. (Blame Canada?) That and Mike Tomlin extending his streak to 16 straight winning seasons is all they wanted this week. As for the Browns, this is why you don’t trade for Deshaun Watson. If he had problems in a weak AFC South, the North will eat him alive especially the Steelers. Now things have gotten so dier that Haslam wants to throw the kitchen sink to bring in Brian Flores as their new DC. Do you really think he’s gonna want to be in that gongshow after being lowballed in Miami? HELL NO! This is why bad teams stay bad. No matter what they do, Cleveland must suffer and they will still get PTSD from the words “We have a signed contract at hand.” Enough of that. Pittsburgh has done their part. Now all eyes are on the scene in Buffalo.
Patriots vs Bills: “We’re underway as New England decided to defer after winning the toss. And here’s Hines on the runback. Breaking a tackle, taking it past midfield! And down the sideline he goes! THIS IS STORYBOOK!” Patriots I hate to tell you this, but what you’re running into is not only a Bills stampede but also a city that needs a moment of truth. The kick return by Nyheim Hines set the tone. Damar Hamlin needs to be honored with a performance that’ll make him proud. (Thank god he’s out of the hospital at this moment) And Hines had another kick return touchdown in the 2nd Half to bolster Buffalo’s lead. (Is this Jermaine Lewis against the Jets in 2000 again?) Even if New England put up a solid fight for most of the game, the NFL wasn’t letting the Bills lose this one. It’s too bad, Belichick was doing everything in his power to win, yet fate got in the way. And even worse, the Patriots hopes of making the playoffs are dead. Why did they bring back Patricia and Judge again?
Patriots ELIMINATED (NO SOUP FOR YOU NEW ENGLAND!)
Jets vs Dolphins: When you look at the starting QB matchup for this game, you knew it was going to be a dud. Skylar Thompson against past prime Joe Flacco was a disaster waiting to happen. This was the kind of game that traced us back to the 40s and 50s. Field goals, limited yards, and defense. Yes both QBs sucked but hey what can you do. Neither team can score a touchdown and there are angry Yinzers that want the Jets to pull off some nonsense. But since Robert Saleh is full of knee jerk decisions, and that this is the ButtFumble, the Jets will find ways to mess it up. Like this horse collar tackle in the final two minutes giving Miami a chance to win the game with a Jason Sanders field goal. Please miss, a tie would be fitting. “On the way, Down the Middle, With Distance!” Well, well, well. The Dolphins once again make us laugh at the Jets even if it’s an ugly win. That’s now seven straight losses by the ButtFumble since the punt return in Foxborough. Once again it’s a collapse that rivals the one after the Fake Spike! And remember the last two years where we had the skit of the stereotypical Miami boy wanting to kiss the beautiful girl? He got it alright, after about four hours of waiting. Dolphins here’s your playoff berth. NOW RUN!
Dolphins QUALIFIED! (HOORAY!)
Yinzers I hate to break it to you but you’re the odd man out. Even if Tomlin’s streak is alive, and they sucked the gravity out of their rivals, it does come at a cost.
Steelers ELIMINATED! (NO SOUP FOR YOU PITTSBURGH!)
Now let’s get to the AFC South. It’s simple between Tennessee and Jacksonville. GO BIG OR GO HOME! Who will come out on top?
Titans vs Jaguars: I will say since their comeback against Baltimore in Week 12, the Jaguars have been a team on the rise with some statement wins up their sleeves. Now this is their chance to reassert themselves as a respectable franchise again. And what better opportunity than to pounce on a Titans team starting Joshua Dobbs again. King Henry XXII has returned, but not at 100%. It won’t stop the fact that Tennessee jumped out to a 10-0 lead. But like most weeks, no two score advantage is safe in today’s NFL. Not with Trevor Lawrence on the other side. T-Law had his ups and downs, but to be fair, both the Titans coordinators are fighting for not only the division but their jobs. This contest turned into a defensive struggle in the 2nd Half. Both teams traded great stops, but who will get the one that matters? “Dobbs is hit from behind, the ball’s out. They are calling this a fumble at the moment. And the return by Allen for the Touchdown!” The play that Duval County needed to return to the glories of Sacksonville and their teams of the late 90s. This was revenge for 1999. The Titans like the Jets have lost seven straight to end the year. But to be fair the collapse started long before the losing began thanks to getting lucky in some ways. Nashville please report to the circus tent immediately! There’s no Rocky Top across the state to save you from being clowns.
Titans ELIMINATED (NO SOUP FOR YOU TENNESSEE!)
And with this game, a miracle has happened. The Jacksonville Jaguars one year after being dubbed as the biggest comedy in sports has risen its way to the AFC South Title. Duval I got one thing to say, UH OH!
Jaguars QUALIFIED (HOORAY!)
Now onto the main attraction. The 7th seed in the NFC. The warfare is between Green Bay, Seattle and Detroit. The Packers control their own fate against the Lions. But the Lions need a win and the Seahawks to lose to make it in. The Seahawks need a win and the Pack to lose to earn a return trip to the Bay Area. Good luck boys.
Rams vs Seahawks: Seattle is gonna need a few breaks in this one. They are playing a Rams team that’s clearly out of the running but knowing Pete Carroll and the 12th Man, they won’t be denied. This game was about the defense. In every sense of the word. Both teams traded turnovers, penalties, and the occasional sack. Then another element came into play. REFBALL! We know the league wants to screw over the Detroit Lions any way they can. But then the Seahawks offense woke up at the right time. Did they ever? Now it’s tied at 13. After both teams traded field goals, the drama must commence. Here’s the plan Seattle, you got helped out by the zebras thanks to Geno Smith getting decked by Jalen Ramsey. (Although it was really the other way around) You have a chance to end the game on the last play of regulation. “The snap is down, the kick is on the way, and it is, OFF THE UPRIGHT!” That might have been the best chance they had of getting into the playoffs. But hey we’re going to overtime. After the Rams forced a three and out, they have a chance to end the game now! “Mayfield, going deep, oh he’s got Van Jefferson open, AND IT’S INTERCEPTED! QUANDRE DIGGS!” I can’t even blame Baker for that pass. Van Jefferson was clearly wide open, and Quandre Diggs came out of nowhere to pick that pass off. Good throw, wrong result. It’s with this that the Seahawks get another chance at ending the game with a field goal. There’s no way Jason Myers is missing two of these in a row. “………… And hope springs eternal in Seattle!” Oof that was a close one. The Seahawks have done their part, and now all eyes are on the Packers. This game also forces the Detroit Lions into the corners of the elimination room. It sucks, but it would have been a lot easier for them had they beat Seattle earlier in the year.
Lions ELIMINATED (NO SOUP FOR YOU DETROIT!)
Lions vs Packers: Alright, here we go. The last game of the regular season. One side may have been eliminated just minutes earlier and the other has fate all but on their side. Detroit may be out of the playoffs, but knowing Dan Campbell he will do everything he can to make sure big brother is sentenced to the pit of misery. (That and they’ll have a Top 10 pick thanks to the Matt Stafford Trade) The Lions want this season to end on a high note. And they’ll play with a fire that Bobby Layne and Steve Yzerman would be proud of. They’ll make things hard for PackerNation. Aaron Rodgers’ open lanes in both running game and passing game have been limited due to the scheme of their opponents. And Detroit will shut down Aaron Jones too thank you very much. Not to mention they’ll take advantage of offensive miscues and Quay Walker and Rasul Douglas being idiots. Two worthy candidates for FOOTBALL FOLLIES. (We have numerous winners for this week) I bet Quay after he shoved the Lions trainer quoted the little boy that was declared naughty by Chief Elf in the Polar Express. “I didn’t do it.” “I didn’t do it.” “I didn’t do it.” Yes you did Quay, AND YOU’RE GONNA LIKE IT! The rest of Lambeau will be in shock because Campbell’s men are pulling out all the stops to end their rivals’ season. 3rd and 4th Down Conversions a plenty. But even then it may not be enough. Let me guess, Rodgers is going to bail out the Pack for the 62nd time in his career. “Here’s a blitz, can Rodgers beat it? Big ball downfield and it’s INTERCEPTED! By Kirby Joseph. It says something when one man can pick off Aaron Rodgers three times in a season. That’s what Kirby Joseph, a rookie of all matters, just did. Will he get another chance? NOOOOOOO! Thank a few trick plays and another gutty 4th Down conversion to end the game. This may have been the end of an era for the Packers. Once again Rodgers’ future is in question. Could this actually be his last game as a Packer? Maybe, but considering that he’s now dating the daughter of one of the Bucks co-owners he may be stuck in Wisconsin. Especially with how much Green Bay is giving him. In what was supposed to be another push towards the Super Bowl, the Packers must watch the playoffs from their couch.
Packers ELIMINATED (NO SOUP FOR YOU GREEN BAY!)
With Green Bay eliminated that means one thing. Just like 2014 the Packers loss is the Seahawks gain. They are able to make it back to the playoffs. Playing with house money worked wonders for them didn’t it?
Seahawks QUALIFIED (HOORAY!)
This was a crazy season. I can’t remember how many times I felt nervous about the outcome of a game even if my team wasn’t playing. That’s what this league will do to you. As for the Weekly Recaps, I know I didn’t make one for each week. But I got the best out of this when I could get them out. I promise I’ll have more of them out for next year. Anyways let’s get to the playoffs. I’ll see you whether it’s for the Playoff Preview or Charm City Beasts Live. And it’ll be super fun.
Bragging Rights Sports 