Jaguars vs Jets: It doesn’t matter the circumstances, it doesn’t matter who they have, the New York Jets will find ways to ButtFumble everything. This season has been a combination of their collapses in 1994, 2000, and 2008. Shock the pundits early on, pull off a miracle, beat the top contender, and then crumble at the end of the season thanks to bad coaching and self destructions all across the board. You know what I don’t understand, why did Robert Saleh bench Zach Wilson in the first place! He wasn’t the problem, just because he had a pair of bad games against the Patriots (Who always roast Jets QBs) doesn’t mean he’s not the long term answer. Yes he was bad, but you could have thrown out Pennington or Testaverde in their primes, and they still won’t have won this game. Their issues go long past who their QB is. Jacksonville didn’t even need to try in this game. They won by default because nothing good ever comes out of North Jersey. I know they passed on Justin Fields, but they would have ruined him too. Another typical Jet collapse in a long line of them. This kind of game will cause the organization to lose their minds in the offense. Now watch them get Lamar Jackson and mess up his career. (I will laugh so hard if the Jets give the Ravens a king’s ransom of draft picks for Planet LJ)
Falcons vs Ravens: That was the coldest game I’ve ever been to. The only game that rivals this one in terms of being brutal from a weather standpoint is Ravens vs Packers at Lambeau in 2017. At least the Maryland Festivus has returned. Sorry I didn’t mention this in Charm City Beasts, but Atlanta is headed for an early winter.
Falcons ELIMINATED (NO SOUP FOR YOU ATLANTA!): This was better than I thought they would be. At least they have a foundation that’s being built despite the wounds of 28-3. As long as Desmond Ridder builds some confidence, there could be a bright future in the ATL. Just don’t change the coaching staff, consistency is the key to success, and if Arthur Blank understands that, they’ll be better off. Good luck boys, I’ll be watching closely.
Saints vs Browns: This game is total karma for Browns fans. Any time they somehow beat Big Brother they must suffer from the Football Gods. Remember when the Dawg Pound thought that Deshaun Watson would solve all their problems. Turns out that was a lie. Just like most times when they have a chance to stay alive, Cleveland lays a massive egg despite having better talent on paper. The Saints are all but dead, yet somehow they have false hope again because they play in the NFC South. All New Orleans had to do was just watch Bill Callahan drive his team into quicksand. (Why does he even have an OC job anyways) We know what’s going to happen, Browns fans will pretend that everything is fine yet realize that they only made the playoffs in 2020 thanks to perhaps the easiest schedule in NFL History, and it was during a pandemic. That’s the only reason why Kevin Stefanski and Andrew Berry still have their jobs. With this loss, the Deshaun experiment has gone south in a big way.
Browns ELIMINATED (NO SOUP FOR YOU CLEVELAND!): I wouldn’t feel bad about Cleveland if I were you. They did this to themselves. They low-balled the best QB they’ve had since Kosar plus some of the talent around him for being the joke of the AFC North once again. Hold up, I’m not finished. This offseason they are going to be $60M over the salary cap, the 1st Round pick they gave to Houston will likely be in the Top 10, They have a bunch of key free agents leaving because of Cap Hell, and they can’t pick until the 4th Round. (Dallas, and Atlanta have their 2nd and 3rd) Jimmy Haslam is holding this team back in a big way. With the talent they have, this should be a solid team. But as long as the clowns at the top are there, they will continue to be bad. FOR SHAME! (Sashi Brown laughs in their faces)
Bills vs Bears: Out of all the really cold this past weekend, this was easily the coldest. 5 degrees with a windchill of -20. The Bills weren’t affected by the weather and they showed it. All I can say is I’m surprised that their running game has taken a big jump. When you saw them in years past, you never saw that. All you witnessed was Josh Allen chucking the ball all over the field. In this game, the RB by committee approach worked in a big way. The reasoning was probably the cold conditions limiting each passing game. The Bears meanwhile must embrace the tank, even with Justin Fields they have little around him because they traded most of the team this offseason. If they didn’t do that, they’d be fighting for a playoff spot. But the McCaskeys must make life miserable for the Windy City. But hey at least you have the Bulls. (BUZZER) The Blackhawks. (BUZZER!) The Cubs. (BUZZER!) The White Sox. (BUZZER!) You’re entire is doomed. Have fun experiencing another year of being the property of Aaron Rodgers, and Giannis. No one feels bad. (And congrats to the Bills winning the AFC East again)
Bengals vs Patriots: I must say, the Bengals have done a good job despite the injuries that have hit them. That’s probably because Joe Burrow and his swagger are a deadly 1-2 combo. That and Lou Anarumu making his case for being a head coach next year have kept them at the top of the AFC North despite the Ravens being right on their tails. In the 1st Half they put up 22 points on the Patriots and made life hard for Mac Jones. But in the 2nd Half. BOOOOM! Well they played like they did in the 1st 30 minutes in Tampa last week. New England somehow gets their act together and makes a furious comeback. The Bungles are taking their foot off the gas, and Burrow isn’t pleased by it. Even Evan McPherson is struggling. This the chance for the Patriots to save their season and take back the 7th seed. Look Belichick, your defense just robbed JaMarr Chase, you have a chance to erase the memories of last week. Just don’t do anything stupid and you’ll be fine. “Handoff, Stevenson, stonewalled, AND STEVENSON LOST THE FOOTBALL! CINCINNATI CLAIMS THEY HAVE IT AND THEY DO!” (Sammy Smith 2.0) Are you kidding me? WHAT THE HELL! HOW MANY BREAKS ARE THE BENGALS GONNA GET OVER THIS PAST CALENDAR YEAR!? STOP THIS CRAP! The Patriots got robbed at the 11th Hour for the 2nd week in a row. A worthy candidate for FOOTBALL FOLLIES! This time it wasn’t their fault, they made a great effort to try and win it, only for Vonn Bell to come out of nowhere and basically end their season. That also allowed the Bengals to return to the playoffs.
Bengals QUALIFIED (HOORAY!): You were able to back up the talk of this offseason. I would have never let you hear the end of it if you didn’t. But hey you just need some confidence alright. A long win streak to re-establish themselves as contenders despite everything that hit them has been the key to their success. However they may be living on the edge with the past couple of games. If I’m Cincy I would be very careful right now. With the Bills and Ravens to end the season with the latter likely being for the AFC North Title, they will need to turn things around despite going unbeaten in December. Knowing Burrow they’ll do just that.
Seahawks vs Chiefs: Seattle this is why you needed to beat the Panthers and Raiders, because you wouldn’t have to try and pull out a miracle. Their good karma may have finally run out in the end. Geno Smith’s feel good story and their outstanding rookie class are no match for the wonders of Arrowhead. Kansas City dominated the Seahawks just like they did in the 1990s. (When Seattle was in the AFC West at the time) Locking down the run game and taking advantage of the opposition’s mistakes. Luckily for the 12s they potentially control their own destiny, due to most of the playoff race falling on their face, they could clinch the 7th seed with wins over the Jets and Rams. On the other side, the Chiefs continue their hot streak since the loss to Cincy. Knowing the NFL, they’re getting the 1 seed aren’t they? (Can we please have a time where Mahomes has to play outside of the Chop Shop)
Texans vs Titans: I’ve said it the last two weeks and I’ll say it again. The Texans are due to get a win one of these times. What better target to go for than a Titans team in free fall. When this game was delayed because of power grid issues in Nissan Stadium due to the cold was when I knew that Houston would pull out a win. And even worse Ryan Tannehill is out long term, and Malik Willis let’s be real isn’t ready for the big time. It was like this the whole game. Not even King Henry will save them. CRACK! And now he’s out long term. I think it’s over for you Titans, losses in 5 straight losses after a 7-3 start is a bad sign. And they still have to play the Cowboys and Jaguars to end the season. (In Jacksonville with the AFC South at stake) If Jon Robinson was axed because of this collapse, I feel like Vrabel will be done too. And the Texans may have just messed up their tank but let’s be real, they needed to win at least one more game. We think.
Lions vs Panthers: Here’s a life lesson for you folks. Never trust the Detroit Lions in a game with playoff implications, because they’ll always crumble in big spots. Considering that the teams that they are competing with for the 7th seed all lost excluding big brother this should have been a cakewalk. But then the Curse of Bobby Layne returned. The victims this time were a Panthers team that has gotten better as the year goes on despite an early power struggle. A big reason for their success has been in the backfield which is surprising since they traded Christian McCaffery to San Francisco. You wanna know how good they were. 245 yards rushing in the 1st Half. I don’t care what team this is, doing all that in one half is a serious accomplishment. And with that feat, Carolina is entering a do or die battle with the Buccaneers for potentially the NFC South title next week. If they win that game despite everything that’s been thrown at them this year, I’ll give Steve Wilks all the credit there is. Do it boys. (As I said, they’re season turned around in Baltimore even though they lost)
Giants vs Vikings: Another team trying to copy the Whiteout at Penn State. (That also inspired their purple brothers to bring back the Blackout next week) In this case the Vikings wanted a White Christmas, well they’ll get it alright. It’ll just require trying to beat a Giants team coming off a statement win. Even if there was sloppy play from both sides, it’s still a solid game for most of the 1st Half. Once the final quarter came, another back and forth showdown in the SkolZone was served. Even if Minnesota is trying to pull away, the hunger of Brian Daboll and Saquan Barkley, bring the G-Men back from the dead. They tied it up with 2 minutes to go. Oh crud, another overtime game. HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY! Oh I forgot the Vikings have plenty of High End Talent. But even with the efforts of Justin Jefferson, it may not be enough. Greg Joseph must try a 61 yard field goal to win. He may not have the best leg, but he may have a shot to pull this off. Let’s see how he did? From 61…………….AND HE HAS DONE IT AGAIN!!!” What am I witnessing? The Vikings winning close games, mostly on late field goals. Those things have held their franchise back for decades, but hey the apocalypse has frozen over. Even in defeat, the Giants still control their fate. All they need to do is beat the Colts at MetLife next week, and they’re in the postseason. You can manage right?
Commanders vs 49ers: Even if most of the NFC lost, the Commies couldn’t take advantage of it. This was their chance to potentially lock up the 7th seed. But that was until they ran into the machine of the 49ers and Mr Brock-N-Roll. Purdy, like the previous two starts, was calm and allowed the talent around him to do the rest. Doesn’t it help to have a beast at both RB and TE to carry the load. They have steamrolled everyone since they lost to the Chiefs back in early November. That’s because they just needed some time to gel with CMC on board. With him and a healthy Kittle, they can allow Brock to R-E-L-A-X when it comes to crucial decisions. This game was an example of that. 8 straight wins is the reward for this hardy crew from the Bay Area. Although I must ask Ron Rivera one question? Why are you benching Taylor Heinicke? He wasn’t the problem, they just played a pair of elite defenses with injuries on the O-Line. Let me guess he’s in a power struggle with you-know-who. That Damn Good Culture is getting in the way isn’t it. You know what that means. All Rise for the Almighty Book of Wentz. That’s right, the man they traded for this offseason must be summoned again whether he deserves it or not. As for right now, just don’t mess up your new mascot, for all of our sakes.
Eagles vs Cowboys: Remember when Cowboy fans said that they would have won in Week 6 if Dak were playing. Now it’s Philly’s turn to make those excuses. Jalen Hurts shoulder must be punished by the Football Gods. In his place comes Gardiner Minshew who is a solid replacement for what he is. And it’s showing. Both Minshew and Prescott are going toe-to-toe in a must watch matchup in the heart of JerryWorld. What makes this even more impressive is that both teams’ defenses which are Top 10 by the way are getting exposed. That’s what happens when you play indoors in December. (From a weather standpoint, the warmest game of the day) Midway through the 3rd Quarter, the Eagles seized a 27-17 lead with no end in sight. HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY! But wait a minute, McCarthyism must strike again. This time in a good way. In a short matter of time, Dallas erased the deficit and tied the game up. Just when the Presidents Trophy was all but handed to the Eagles, they gave up a 3rd and 30 to TY Hilton. (That’ll make him loved by Cowboys Nation for a while to come) Tie game again. But then things got crazy. Even if the Cowboys forced a pair of turnovers they only got field goals out of each one. You can’t do that against a WR room like the one the Birds have. They get down the field in no time. But are stalled out on 3 straight plays. Now it comes down to a final 4th and 10. “Minshew in trouble, lofts it up, (GAME OVER YEAH!) nobody home, COWBOYS GONNA WIN IT!” Prepare for the insufferability coming out of JerryBoy. Dallas one week after imploding against the Jags, stunned the Eagles in one of the biggest games of the entire season. This will give them confidence going into the playoffs, especially since they’ll get the NFC South winner. At for Philadelphia, all they need to do is beat the Saints, they’ll win the NFC East, and the #1 seed. If they somehow blow that, it’ll be ugly. (I don’t think that’ll happen)
Raiders vs Steelers: 50 years. It’s been that long since the Immaculate Reception. The play that started the Steelers Empire, and made the Raiders the bad guys of the league in the 1970s. That game gave both teams their reputation that is still in use today. And it’s only fitting that in honor of that Saturday afternoon in 1972, that it would be a long scoring game, with points being hard to come by. The combination of the Immaculate Reception game plus the weather conditions rivaling their matchup in the 1975 AFC Championship make this an intense game. Both teams would have problems moving the ball both on the ground and through the air. Leading 10-6 with their season on the line, Vegas must try and overcome Josh McDaniels being out coached by Mike Tomlin all night long. You know what this game needs, a reincarnation of what happened at Three Rivers Stadium in that playoff game. The Steelers marched down the field, converting a key 4th Down, and now Kenny Pickett has a chance to put the dagger in their throats like Bradshaw and Franco did. “Pickett, over the middle, Touchdown! George Pickens.” The Immaculate Reincarnation. The Steelers beating the Raiders on a last minute TD pass which was caught by a rookie to knock the Silver and Black out of the playoffs. And on top of that, Cam Suttons game-ending interception happened at the 35 yard line. Same part of the field as Jack Tatum’s hit on Frenchy Fuqua. The league won’t have it any other way. Now Mike Tomlin’s streak is alive, as they head to Baltimore for a Sunday Night showdown. Sorry Vegas, go watch the playoffs from your couch.
Raiders ELIMINATED (NO SOUP FOR YOU VEGAS!): Who thought that bringing in Davante Adams, and a few other big names would blow up in their face. If they didn’t blow all those big leads it wouldn’t have. Turns out that hiring McDaniels was a mistake, and now Derek Carr has been benched for no reason because of, you guessed it, another power struggle. How are they ever going to fix this mess? Why did they get rid of their coach and GM after last year?
Packers vs Dolphins: It says something that the Siberian Freeze that hit the East coast over Christmas even hit Florida. This was the coldest game in Miami history. That does not bode well for the Dolphins, but sure does help the Green Bay Packers, who are right there in the mix for the last spot in the NFC. The only reason why the Fish are leading this game early on is the speed they have at WR. Something that few teams can rival. But the Cheeseheads were able to keep up despite questionable moves on several 4th Downs. Even with all these opportunities the Dolphins can’t take advantage of them. The reasoning is because the Packers have nothing to lose. Even down by 10, Green Bay must make a serious push. They came back to tie this game up in no time since Aaron Rodgers wants to make ESPN shovel their snow again. This time it was the Packers defense that would take over the game, not Rodgers. Yes Tua was playing with another concussion, but have you seen how well they’ve played as of late on that side of the ball? This game was proof of that. Back-Back-Back interceptions to seal the game with a 26-20 victory. That makes it a perfect 15-15 for Matt LaFleur in the month of December. With three wins in a row, the Packers are now a half game back of the 7th seed. They end the schedule with Minnesota and Detroit at Lambeau. They may end up getting to the playoffs after all. As for Miami, BOOM! Tua might be out for the rest of the year. Now they must beat the Patriots and Jets with Teddy Bridgewater. You know what’s funny. When I went on Twitter after the game, I saw Dolphins fans begging for Lamar to join them. I’m sorry you’re not getting him because you don’t have any picks, and Baltimore isn’t giving him up especially if they go on a deep run. (Plus the Tyreek Hill, Terron Armstead, and Bradley Chubb contracts are hard to overlook)
Broncos vs Rams: This game can be described by one phrase, NICKELODEON CHRISTMAS TANK BOWL!!! (Roundball Rock playing) Did any of you have this as a tank bowl back in August? Well I knew the Broncos would be bad because they did nothing to help out Russell Wilson on their line. But to think that the Rams would be this bad coming off their Super Bowl title. Well, sometimes life throws curveballs, and this is one of them. At least for LA they can boast that they made a statement in front of a league wide audience. Baker Mayfield was back in 2020 form in this game. His reward was not only the NVP but his career may have been saved. And this was against a defense that was in the Top 5 for crying out loud. Things got so bad for Denver that Spongebob and Patrick were roasting them on the Nick broadcast. If that doesn’t describe their season I don’t know what does. This game in terms of infamy in Denver rivals Super Bowls XXII, XXIV, and XLVIII. With this loss their 1st Round pick which is going to Seattle is all but guaranteed to be a Top 10 pick. If they lose to the Chiefs, and Chargers, the Seahawks will have the 3rd Overall Pick. If the Hawks get Bryce Young with that pick, I will laugh so hard. BOOOOOOOM! PAUSE.
Mount Walmart has just erupted. Nathaniel Hackett, not even a year into his tenure, was fired after the Christmas Day Massacre at SoFi. Did people not look at his time with Jacksonville in 2018, the reason that Sacksonville Abbey became a soap opera was because of this man. A team that had Super Bowl ambitions in both scenarios laid a massive egg. I know George Paton made it clear that all the moves were his fault but he didn’t mention a specific move. Let me be clear. The Russell Wilson Trade was not made by Paton. He wanted Aaron Rodgers to go along with Hackett. That trade was composed and put to paper by John Elway. You can’t tell me with a straight face that he didn’t have his fingerprints all over that move. You know what’s insane. The Broncos have had the most starting QBs in the AFC since Elway retired after 1998. That’s because they have made no commitment into building the Offensive Line. I’m sorry Broncos Country, but this is your fate.
Buccaneers vs Cardinals: I want to make one thing clear. With the games that the NFL put out on Christmas this year, it wasn’t going to overtake the NBA in terms of ratings. (I’m not making this up) This game was evidence to that claim. Tampa Bay and Arizona are two teams that shouldn’t be near this spotlight. At least the Buccaneers have a shot to make the playoffs because they play in Tank Division. They struggled for most of this game against maybe the worst defense in the NFC. Tom Brady has not looked good if you get what I mean. You’re really gonna lose to Trace McSorley, and cause PSU Media to lose their minds. That’s gonna be so funny. HEY HEY TAMPA BAY! THE BUCS ARE HOT AND READY TO PLAY! Wait a minute, I thought that these guys were dead in the 3rd Quarter, well TB12 worked his traditional late game magic against a team that has imploded. All the media will overlook this and say that Brady is still in his prime. Is he really when their O-Line is still on the IR. They’ll even win in OT to create false hope in their city again. Now they can win the division next week, and probably get their asses kicked by Dallas. Thus the Great Circle of Life! (This game was scripted wasn’t it)
Chargers vs Colts: I know the narrative all the talking heads will have is that the Chargers are a dangerous team that’ll make noise in the playoffs. It’s because they have a pretty boy at QB, and play in LA. If you actually watched this game, you would have been like, what makes them so special? Well they took advantage of a Colts team just wanting the season to end. Matt Ryan is possibly done for the year, and Nick Foles just doesn’t have it. They made the Bolts defense that has been a roller coaster look like the unit from the days of Marty. Seven sacks, and not a single 3rd Down conversion allowed. That’s not on the Chargers, that’s because Indy is all but punting the season. And this also allowed San Diego’s ex to clinch a spot in the playoffs.
Chargers: QUALIFIED (HOORAY!): I know the narrative is to say that this could be a glamorous contender but they have serious flaws in terms of coaching and defense. They are a hard team to crack, that’s for sure, but can they get out of their own way when push comes to shove. Knowing the NFL and their narratives, they probably will.
The playoffs are two weeks away, we need to go over the races.
AFC North: Baltimore vs Cincinnati
AFC South: Jacksonville vs Tennessee
AFC #1 Seed: Buffalo vs Kansas City vs Cincinnati vs Baltimore
AFC Wild Card #3: Miami vs NY Jets vs New England vs Pittsburgh
NFC East: Dallas vs Philadelphia
NFC South: Carolina vs New Orleans vs Tampa Bay
NFC Wild Cards #2 and #3: NY Giants vs Washington vs Green Bay vs Detroit vs Seattle
RULE? DON’T GET ELIMINATED!
Bragging Rights Sports 