Charm City Beasts (Season 3) Episode 6&7: CHAOSLAND!

(Omar Whistle/Warriors playing)………………………………………………………………………………

Bragging Rights Sports Presents:

A Maryland Culture Production

“In 1996, they arrived in Baltimore away from an angry Dawg Pound. They have been criticized by many people outside of their city ever since their inception. Despite 2 championships and many Hall of Famers they get little respect. They get called names such as Murderer, Running Back, Hypocrite, Overrated, Soft, and others. But even if they are disrespected more than any team in the NFL the goal is still the same. Win the Lombardi Trophy. No one outside of the 410 cares about them, yet they work harder every single day. These boys have a swagger, and like to be pushed no matter what. We as Marylanders call them…………………………….”

CHARM CITY BEASTS

The Unrivaled Themed Story of the Baltimore Ravens

(It’s Never Pretty, It’s Never Perfect, BUT IT IS US!)

(XXXV, XLVII)

(BIG TRUZZ)

(THE TEAM, THE TEAM, THE TEAM)

Lamar Jackson, Mark Andrews, Justin Tucker, Marlon Humphrey, Marcus Peters, Rashod Bateman, JK Dobbins, Calais Campbell, Devin Duvernay, John Harbaugh, Greg Roman, Mike Macdonald, Eric DeCosta, Sashi Brown, Steve Bisciotti, Edgar, Allan, with Poe, and the Salty Marylander/Narrator Michael Hession.

(Season 3) Episode 6&7: CHAOSLAND!

R-A-V-E-N-S RAVENS!

Last Week: Narrator: The Ravens following their Blackout win over the Bungles have a chance to extend the lead in the AFC North against a now white hot team in the Giants. Early on Baltimore was victimized by 2 missed field goals from Justin Tucker on their opening possessions. (OH GOD!) But the defense still held Saquan Barkley and the Giants in check. All the Ravens need right now is to put up a solid 2nd Half. For the moment yes, they have a 10 point lead in the 4th Quarter, but there is still 10 minutes on the clock. Thank god the Giants can’t do anything as… “Personal Foul, Late Hit, Defense #99” Marylander: AAAAAAAAAAAAA! ODAFE OWEH! YOU CANNOT TAKE OFF AN O-LINEMAN’S HELMET! Now they’re back in the game! Narrator: As Daniel Jones and the Giant offense cut the lead to 3. All Planet LJ and the offense need to do is control that clock. And it looks like they’ve got the game won. BEEP! “Illegal Formation, Offense #79.” Oh no. This can’t be good. Now they have to try and throw the ball as… Marylander: COME ON LINDERBAUM YOU CAN’T MAKE THAT SNAP AT THE END OF THE GAME! At least we can make something out of nothing… (DRAMATIC MUSIC!) WHAT THE (Censored) IS (Censored) HAPPENING! THIS IS SUCH (Censored) THE NFL WANTS US TO FALL TO THE NEW FRONTIER! ROMAN YOU IGNORANT HACK! GODDDDDDDDDDD! PAUSE.

Narrator: Alright, alright. Thank god the bleeding has stopped. The Boys in Purple have been in a perilous situation the past few weeks. With their 3rd 10 point lead blown in 5 weeks. The entirety of the national media has called out Boy Wonder Johnny Harbaugh, Planet LJ, Juiceman, and Harbs entire staff. Former Raven Marcus Spears called out Lamar by saying that he is costing them games when in reality the defense has been an emotional roller coaster, and they’ve committed the most penalties in the NFL over the past 3 games. Even if Jackson is getting most of the blame, some of it should fall on the shoulders of Justin Tucker. JT astoundingly missed 2 field goals including a 39 yarder on the opening drive. Most Raven fans pointed out this week that once the 2nd miss happened, they would somehow lose the game. But to be fair, JT got karma thrown in his face after how high he was after the game against Cincinnati. Another major media question this week was why did the Ravens fire Wink Martindale. And to answer that question, he didn’t get fired, his contract was up and he wanted a change of scenery. Thus the heat has fallen once again on Mike Man. Macdonald, despite the late game meltdowns, has gotten the defense in the right direction. The Pass Rush and Turnover departments have gotten significantly better. Even if Marcus Williams is out for a while they should be in good shape. However there is controversy. The costly ripping of the helmet by Odafe Oweh is what started the Giants rally. Oweh admitted that he should have never done this. Although there is time to change the narrative. Anyways Poe what’s going on with you?

Poe: Whistling (It’s been great, I don’t have to be in a wheelchair anymore) Narrator: Oh nice! Are you still planning on coming back this year? Poe: Whistling (I’ll try to come back to roaming the sidelines come playoff time. We just need to win the North) Narrator: Just what I want to hear. How bout you Edgar and Allan? Edgar: Whistling (We need a bounceback this week) Allan: Whistling (I agree, although it’s nice to have little bro walking again) Narrator: I love it too boys. Pictionary anyone? All 3: Whistling (LETS GO!) Alright, we all have 30 seconds to guess what they are drawing. Whoever has the best picture gets a free Ravens Flavored Snow Cone. Are you ready? All 3: Whistling (YES!) BEEP! Narrator: Lets see here, it looks like they are being very detailed right here. They must be drawing a person, I wonder who it is. Oh he must have a mustache, and he looks imposing. I wonder who it is? BUZZER! Times up. Looks like All 3 of them drew a picture of 2011 Joe Flacco with the fu manchu. Lets see who had the best drawing. And the winner is… Edgar! Edgar: Whistling (SWEET!) Narrator: Here’s your Snow Cone by the way. Edgar: Whistling (That looks delicious!) Allan, Poe, don’t worry. At least you guys had excellent drawings of your own. Allan/Poe: Whistling (Thanks buddy)

Narrator: With the excitement of the Pictionary Contest out of the way, we can now get to what’s really important. A Week 7 divisional showdown. This time the Ravens come home to take on the team that they have tormented for years. Cleveland. Luckily for the Boys in Purple the Browns have been a mess as expected. A blockbuster trade for Deshaun Watson has so far blown up in their faces. The QB is suspended for 5 more games, and they carry a 2-4 record after 3 straight losses. Although they still have some talent, we have to take that into account. However, just like their inner state rivals in the Bungles, Cleveland’s media team like Cincinnati’s poked the bear of John Harbaugh while he was sleeping. Instead of gathering flowers for what they viewed as a Raven funeral, the Browns Twitter account called Old Bay and McCormick Spices overrated. Marylander: OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! ENOUGH OF THIS OHIO! (And Penn State still has to play the Buckeyes. I want the trifecta) Narrator: The Salty Marylander like his father who used to work for McCormick Spices and many Ravens fans were ticked off by Cleveland’s actions. It’s ok, Old Bay responded by telling them that our Super Bowl wins were not overrated. Speaking of which, the Ravens are honoring the 10th Anniversary of their Super Bowl XLVII team. 50+ players and coaches were on hand to witness the event. Even Ray Rice was there and he was quickly forgiven for his actions in Atlantic City 8 years ago that shall not be mentioned. (As long as you win a championship, and are 2nd on the Ravens All Time Rushing List, you get a pass) The only downside was that Joe Flacco couldn’t come because he is now a backup for a streaking Jets team.

With high emotions around M&T Bank Stadium, the Boys in Purple would need time for them to own the moment. Cleveland marched down the field on their opening drive and scored a touchdown. You can thank the will power of Nick Chubb trying to overcome a rough 2021 slate against Baltimore. Luckily the Ravens were able to counter the opening score, with a few key plays of their own. Also what a relief it is to have both Gus Edwards and Rashod Bateman back in the mix. (Too bad JK Dobbins is out for a few weeks again) Even if Planet LJ got a few of his weapons back, they only could get a field goal, as the lead was cut to 7-3. The Browns on their next drive would take advantage of Geno Stone playing in a Cover 3 zone, as Amari Cooper hauled in a 50 yard bomb. But luckily, the Browns could only get 3. Even if they could have extended their lead, Cleveland for the moment was in good hands. Their devastating pass rush was starting to consume the Ravens Offensive Line. Just like the game against the Bills, Morgan Moses, and Patrick Mekari were getting eaten alive. This time by Myles Garrett. No wonder why the Roman Empire is trying not to call passing plays. (The fans may not like it, but it’s a smart move) Luckily for Harbaugh the phase of the game that he perfected for 9 years in Philadelphia would decide the game. Special Teams. After forcing a 3 and out thanks to Patrick Queen blowing up the Browns rushing attack, Devin Duvernay returned a punt 46 yards to the Cleveland 21. All it got them was a field goal, but the momentum had now clearly shifted. The Ravens defense was suffocating Jacoby Brissett, AGAIN! Just like during his time in Indy and Miami, he had no answers for the B-More Pass Rush. Another 3 and out. This time Lamar and the offense would make them pay. With timely passing, and a ball controlled, the Ravens responded by taking their first lead of the game as Gus the Bus scored his first TD since Week 14 of 2020. (Which was also against the Browns) Leading 13-10 at halftime, there was hope for the Boys in Purple.

At halftime, they honored the Super Bowl Team like they had all weekend. And Ravens Radio Announcer Gerry Sandusky at the end of the ceremony said we have one job. That’s finish off the win. The request would be daunting. Especially since Cleveland’s Pass Rush would be crashing from all angles. Not even Ronnie Stanley, or Tyler Linderbaum could stop the wave of the Dawg Pound coming to destroy the base. 3 and out with a net total of -19 yards. It’s ok, Mike Man and his relentless D can return the favor. (What was their greatest weakness under Martindale has now become their strength) Strip sack recovered by Odafe Oweh thanks to Calais Campbell and Justin Houston coming off the right edge. (All Penn State all the time especially when it’s Whiteout Week) The offense would take advantage of this opportunity by capitalizing on Joe Wood’s defense being trolled by those zebras. Even if it took them until 4th and Goal to punch it in, the Ravens and Gus Edwards did just that. 20-10. However this game wouldn’t be over just yet. Not with the Browns trying to get out of their offensive slump. Nick Chubb, who had been shut down ever since the opening drive, was starting to eat up yards, and the clock. The only problem that Cleveland now faces is that David Njoku their #1 TE, is out for the rest of the game due to injury. With their passing game being limited, the best they could do was get a field goal. Once again the Ravens were in a tough situation. Considering that they had lost 3 games where they blew 10+ point leads, something had to give. This was where the offense needed to step up. And they did. Their ball control attack largely due to their top receiving weapons not being 100% was starting to take over the game. Even if they only went 38 yards, Baltimore chewed up 6 minutes, and got creative on a 4th and 1. (Greg Roman and trick plays, underrated) However they couldn’t push the lead to 2 touchdowns. Instead they were able to make this a 10 point lead with another JT field goal. (DRAMATIC MUSIC) Oh dear. Another 10 point 4th Quarter lead. Hopefully this time no shenanigans happen. I take that back, Nick Chubb and Kareem Hunt ran roughshod on the Browns next possession, and all of a sudden it’s a 3 point game again. Don’t worry Ravens fans, as long as the offense doesn’t cough it up, we’re good. See nothing serious. Now they are two 1st Downs away from ending the game. Justice Hill made a nice cutback move to get free as (WEEE!) Marylander: OH MY GOD THIS CAN’T BE HAPPENING AGAIN! JUSTICE HILL YOU SHOULD HAVE HELD ONTO THE DAMN BALL! (To be fair that was Myles Garrett and JOK who knocked it free) SEND THIS MAN INTO HARBS DOGHOUSE IF WE END UP LOSING! SOMEONE STOP THIS! PAUSE.

Narrator: Oh great. The Browns are driving again, Marcus Peters is being too aggressive. Please for the love of god, we can’t have this happen again! “Brissett, going deep, and for Cooper, GOT HIM!” (Sidevoice: Hold it!) “Pass interference, Offense #2.” Oh boy, just when Cleveland thinks they have a go ahead TD, it gets called back thanks to Offensive PI. The outsider in me believes that the Browns did not get screwed. There was clearly a push off, Amari Cooper admitted it during the postgame presser. That basically pushed the Browns out of field goal range. But they were at least able to get back into it thanks to a nice scramble from Brissett. Now they must trot out rookie Cade York to attempt a game tying field goal. A 56 yarder at M&T Bank Stadium against the wind is literally a death sentence, but he did make a 58 yard game winner against Carolina in Week 1. BEEP! “False Start, Offense.” What the hell? Normally when Sean Smith is the head official it’s the Ravens that are the ones that get the late game penalties to potentially lose the game. Well today, Cleveland took that thinking to a higher level. To be fair that should have been offside, but that’s the makeup call for the illegal formation penalty that was called on Ronnie Stanley last week. All 3: Whistling (I love the flashbacks to the Bear Necessities from last year) Narrator: Same boys. Now York has to try a 61 yarder against the wind towards the West Endzone. “For the tie! (HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY!) NO!” Oh yes the High End Talent that has been expected of this team for many years came out at the right time! (Ray Lewis and Ed Reed couldn’t have it any better) Malik Harrison, who had thrilled Ohio State fans for 3 seasons, not only blocked the kick with his helmet, he basically delivered the knockout punch. Even as they weren’t able to run out the clock, Baltimore pinned the Browns deep in their own end, and needed one more stop to finish it off. “It’s Brissett, and he goes down the middle, (HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY!) and it’s caught by Peoples-Jones, and knocked away on the play, a fumble, and Geno Stone will close the door, and Baltimore has survived!” Wew! That was too close for comfort, the Ravens heartaches for this week are a thing of the past, they still control 1st place in the AFC North with another gutty win. Marylander: YOU HEAR THAT CLEVELAND! THAT’S WHAT WE CALL NEVER ENDING CHAOS! PAUSE.

Narrator: It’s literally Groundhog Day in Cleveland YET AGAIN! Just like almost every time over the past few seasons, the Browns, arguably the more talented team on paper, get beat up against Big Brother in M&T Bank Stadium. This rivalry is still in meme territory for the Dawg Pound. No matter what they do to improve the team, Baltimore must reign over their old residence. This is a year where many narratives in the NFL have died, but this one must continue. You know how upsetting this is for Cleveland. Look at their locker room after the game. There was shouting and punches being thrown by players and coaches. I feel like this loss they are not recovering from. This was their chance to keep up with the Jones’ of their division while Watson was out. And once he comes back it’ll be too late. Look at their upcoming schedule. Cincinnati, Buffalo, Miami, and Tampa Bay. They could be staring at 3-8 or 2-9 when that Texans game rolls around in Week 13. Kids, this is why you never can trust Jimmy Haslam and that organization. No matter what they do they will find incredible ways to ruin everything. You guys have ruined Kevin Stefanski, and Andrew Berry. The 2 men who showed flashes thanks to a cakewalk schedule and COVID year in 2020 are getting exposed like every other coach and GM since 1999. And you know what’s worse. Their old GM in Sashi Brown is laughing in their face. The man that basically built this Browns roster from scratch got his long awaited revenge on Haslam! 

As for the Ravens, this was the win they needed to potentially turn their season around. The offense wasn’t great, but they did what they needed to do to win. Even if Lamar only threw 16 passes due to a wrecked O-Line, it still was enough to pull it off. You can thank the defense, and special teams for turning the clock back. Trust me there was no way that Baltimore was losing especially with the Super Bowl XLVII team being on hand. The players and coaches wouldn’t have gotten out of that stadium alive had they lost. But thank goodness they got the W. I wonder what our upcoming schedule looks like? BOOM! OH BOY! Almost every team left on their schedule is basically in Tank Bowl Territory. And they get to play a pathetic NFC South starting with the Buccaneers on Thursday Night. If the Ravens can’t win the AFC North with this schedule, the Salty Marylander and many others will never let them hear the end of it. Marylander: That’s right! HEY LOOK EVERYONE THE BUCS LOST TO THE PANTHERS! WE’RE GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL IF WE HAVE TO DIE TRYING! YEAAAAAAAAH! Edgar/Allan/Poe: Whistling (We got 2 tickets to paradise! Pack your bags we can leave tonight! Woah woah woah woah! BALTIMORE!)