2022 NFL Weekly Recaps: Week 3

Steelers vs Browns: You know how in the South Park Movie where the kids go to the theater and there’s the Uncle (Censored) skit in the Terrance and Phillip film. That’s how the Yinzers and the Dawg Pound feel about each other when it comes to Big Ben and Deshaun Watson. One QB may be retired and the other is suspended but that won’t stop the arguments between whose off field allegations were worse. As for the game itself it was a tale of 2 halves. In the 1st Half the Steelers offense finally flashed its potential with George Pickens making one of the best catches we’ve seen in some time. In the 2nd Half, BLAME CANADA! BLAME CANADA! All the Yinzers would agree with me. I said it last week and I’m saying it again. It looks like Randy Fichtner and Todd Haley never left this team with how bad the offensive play calling was. Most of it was due to the Browns D-Line, but it won’t stop Steeler fans from blaming Matt Canada. As a result Cleveland is now the luckiest 2-1 team in the NFL thanks to a cakewalk schedule, and beating Carolina via REFBALL as well as Pittsburgh without TJ Watt. The last thing we need is Cleveland.com and ESPN being insufferable. Whoever is saying that the Browns have the 3 best players in the AFC North is blasphemous! Why? (I just hope Myles Garrett is ok after the crash he was in, that man doesn’t deserve that)

Ravens vs Patriots: LAMAR JACKSON! Allan: Whistling: (That’s why) Narrator: What a difference a week makes in the NFL? Last week all the grouchy Marylanders wanted the defense and Mike Macdonald chucked into the Inner Harbor. Edgar: Whistling (Well today they’ll have 2nd thoughts) Poe: Whistling (Planet LJ 4 MVP and Lombardi)

Texans vs Bears: Well it’s only Week 3 but I think we can open the door up for one of the funniest traditions in football. TANK BOWL! (Roundball Rock playing) Yes both of these teams aren’t 0-2 but I don’t care. These are 2 of the NFL’s premiere building projects. The Bears following the bad showing against Big Brother last Sunday Night wanted to make up for it by beating a gongshow in the Texans. Even if Justin Fields struggled, Chicago is lucky that the opponents have a QB that isn’t as talented. The Texans however are putting up a fight. They managed to tie the game deep into the 4th Quarter, even their defense gave them a chance to win it. Looks like Lovie Smith is going to be getting his revenge on the McCaskeys. BOOM! 2nd thought, I’d take that back. Davis Mills threw a duck right to Roquan Smith. Bears win, Houston feels miserable, and Chicagoland has false hope. The Bears are a weird team. They may be 2-1 but it hasn’t been impressive. Come back to me once they play a Green Bay caliber team.

Saints vs Panthers: Everyone was giving the Saints an excuse for the injuries to playmakers last week due to facing Tampa Bay. How do you explain this? If there is one team that has owned Jameis Winston it’s the Panthers. DING! Whether it was with those same Bucs or with New Orleans it doesn’t matter. Carolina’s defense garbage or not has for the most part, made Famous Jameis’ life a living hell. That’s not getting into the fact that Baker Mayfield finally was able to get his 1st win with the Panthers after getting screwed by REFBALL 2 weeks ago. If I’m the Saints I should be pressing the red panic button big time. RaiderNation tried warning you about Dennis Allen. So far he hasn’t learned from his mistakes that he made in Oakland. So what if they struggle they at least have their 1st Round pick. BOOM!  (Eagles contain Saints and 49ers 1st Round pick in 2023) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Lions vs Vikings: Turns out that the Vikings need a game to get back on track. They were exposed last week by Philadelphia in a game that reinforced the narrative of Kirk Cousins struggling on Monday Night Football. This time they get to beat up the long time joke of their division in the Lions. Detroit may be one of the more likable teams in the league, but Minnesota needs to show them who the real top offense in the NFC North is. So far the Lions are playing up to the challenge. They have a 10 point lead in the 4th Quarter. This is not the typical Detroit stereotype, this is a team that wants to run through walls. Even if the Vikings cut the lead to 3. All Jared Goff has to do is don’t allow his opponents to get the ball back. (YoYo Sound) The Lions missed the field goal. Welp, looks like Ninja must be kicking himself while watching this one. We know what’s going to happen next. “Cousins, HE’S GOT IT TOUCHDOWN ITS OSBOURN AGAIN!” I have a question. How was KJ Osbourn that wide open? HOW! I get that you wanted to double team Jefferson and Thielen but you left the #3 receiver wide open. Don’t worry Lions, you’ll get plenty of chances to clean up this mess. Good luck.

Eagles vs Commanders: All Rise for testimony from the Almighty Book of Wentz! Chapter 24, Verse 8. On an overcast day in DC, the Commanders were beat up right from the word go. All 3 phases of the game were dominated thanks to the skill and talent on the other side. There’s a reason why Philadelphia chucked Carson Wentz out of town. Today was evidence. Even better news for Philly, this was basically a glorified home game for the Eagles as FedEx Field was ONCE AGAIN dominated by a Sea of Green. Anyways Jalen Hurts is looking like a treat to watch. In some ways it’s like watching Donovan McNabb in his prime again. Although McNabb rarely had a WR core like Hurts has. Both AJ Brown, and DeVonta Smith are game changers. (The only time McNabb had a WR core like this, they made the Super Bowl) These 1st 3 games prove it. Philadelphia is now 3-0. Yes they’ve had a soft schedule but this is major progress from the last few years. COUNT ON IT!

Bengals vs Jets: Cincinnati has been trying their best to finally get their mojo back. After talking endless amounts of crap in the offseason, it’s been a rough go for them. Although this week they will finally be able to get their 1st win of the year. Bungles, meet the ButtFumble. They may have beaten Cleveland last week, but that wasn’t going to happen again. Joe Flacco went from being hailed by Jets fans for turning back the clock to realizing that he has had trouble throughout his career against Cincy. Joe Burrow wasn’t utter worldly yet still managed to do enough thanks to Tyler Boyd, and Tee Higgins making some tough catches. The Bengals are a hard team to judge after 3 weeks. They may be the defending AFC Champs, but I’m so far not sold on them considering how rough their O-Line has been these 1st 3 weeks, and how overmatched Zac Taylor has been excluding this week. The next 2 games against the Dolphins and Ravens are going to say a lot about where they are.

Raiders vs Titans: 2 teams with 0-2 records and they both have frustrated the hell out of their fans. The Titans have much higher stakes. At home and knowing that all of a sudden 2 of their longtime rivals pulled off statement wins, they need to gain ground in their division. So far, Tennessee isn’t feeling the wrath of Derek Carr just yet. They have a 24-10 lead with Mike Vrabel doing everything in his power to win. But wait a minute, Vegas stacked the box and King Henry XXII has nowhere to run. (It happens to all RBs at a certain point of their careers) Nevermind Darren Waller has butterfingers. (You sure you’re better than the guy that replaced you in Baltimore?) But even if the Raiders have shot themselves in the foot on repeat, they have a chance to tie the game and force overtime. Who is Mack Hollins, and how is he getting that open. Well that’s what happens when Davante Adams is double teamed. His clutch TD allows Vegas the chance to go for 2 and tie it up. What will be their fate? “On this 2 point conversion attempt, Carr throws, (DRAMATIC MUSIC) deflected and broken up.” How did the Raiders manage to win these kinds of games last year with a worse team? Here’s why? Josh McDaniels shouldn’t be near a head coaching job. Since getting embarrassed by the Ravens at M&T in 2009 McDaniels is 5-20 in games that he has coached. As Twenty One Pilots once said, just don’t believe the hype. Now at 0-3 there are no tomorrows for RaiderNation. I would say you should tank but your 1st Round pick is property of the Green Bay Packers. The Autumn Wind is a Raider alright.

Chiefs vs Colts: What in the world is this? Chiefs, can you explain what this display was? This was a gimme. Yeah the Colts have some talent, but they are nowhere near what you call competitive if you watched their 1st 2 games. I kinda feel like Kansas City spent all week on TikTok watching JuJu and Patrick Mahomes brother do their thing. But how does that explain how injured and awful their special teams were? Oh by the way their Offensive Line was also a turnstile. I’m looking right at you Orlando Brown. Yes it took the Colts until the final minute to pull off the upset but this game should have been over much sooner than it did. Chiefs here’s the lesson. Don’t look past your opponent, because if you do, bad things usually happen. (This is how they lost to Cincinnati last year, both games) Don’t worry KC, the rest of your division isn’t doing much either. That’s the good news about this loss.

Bills vs Dolphins: The Game of the Week. The media darling of the NFL with Super Bowl Whisperers against the New Kids on the Block. Miami has massive optimism coming in after shocking their recent boogeyman on the road, this time they get to face their legacy boogeyman in the Bills. Buffalo has beaten the Dolphins 7 straight times and Marv Levy was the only coach that ever had a winning record against Don Shula. But in none of those games, especially recently, Miami didn’t have the talent to rival BillsMafia. Today they do. Early on it was Josh Allen proving his supremacy over the 305, but the Dolphins have an answer. Remember how effective Sticky Sand was for the Fish last year? Today it mauled Josh Allen. He did put up a good chunk of yardage but most of those were on short passes. When forced into the long range game, Miami was a step ahead of Buffalo. The game may be close but there is one thing that is going to haunt the Bills. Scoring inside the redzone. They had 5 trips, and only scored on 2 of those possessions. Those mistakes, as well as the sweltering heat inside Hard Rock Stadium may be too much to overcome. Miami is ahead by 4 with 2 minutes left. They even stopped the J-Gun offense again inside the 5. How much crazier can this game get? DOINK! The ButtPunt! Now that’s impressive. This fiasco allows Buffalo to trail by just 2 points. Let me guess, BillsMafia will again be bailed out by High End Talent. However, thanks to the scheming of Miami’s defense, Allen has had trouble getting into field goal range. (A holding call also adds fuel to the fire) With Stefon Diggs and Gabe Davis crapping because of the humidity, it’s not a good sign. But there’s still a chance. Allen completes a pass to Jamison Crowder, he tries to get out of bounds but thanks to the Dolphins coverage designed to prevent passes from going to the sidelines he can’t get out of bounds. By the time the Bills line up for a spike the clock runs out. Ballgame. (GAME OVER YEAH!) Tyreek Hill was right. The culture around the Dolphins has changed dramatically and they have become a legit foe. I don’t want to hear excuses about injuries BillsMafia, when you have the ball for almost 45 minutes, almost 500 yards of offense and still lose, you deserve to get roasted on. By the way Buffalo’s OC Ken Dorsey for slamming his tablet inside the press box earns the honor of FOOTBALL FOLLIES! Now Miami holds the top spot in the AFC East after an impressive 3-0 start. The Football Gods will do everything they can for the Dolphins to repeat their perfect season exactly 50 years later. As for Buffalo, welcome back to reality. You get Baltimore and Lamar Jackson next week. (With the weather in the forecast for that game featuring a heavy rain which doesn’t play to the Bills strengths, OUCH!)

Jaguars vs Chargers: I have one question? Why did the Chargers rush back Justin Herbert? Yes he’s a tough guy, but you can’t do that when someone has cracked ribs. They shouldn’t have played him but do you not understand what organization this is. This is a franchise that made Philp Rivers play on torn ACL in the 2007 AFC Championship, and made Drew Brees play on a separated shoulder in Week 17 of 2005. Plus has had 4 generational QBs since Dan Fouts and has ruined every single one of them. It’s only a matter of time until Herbert joins Humphries, Leaf, Brees, and Rivers. It also makes us forget that Jacksonville beat the ever loving crap out of the Bolts. Trevor Lawrence is starting to play like the #1 pick he was hyped up to be. That’s the difference good coaching can do for a team. Doug Pederson now that he’s out of Philly is more relaxed and has allowed the game to come to him. Also I’m glad that he’s using James Robinson, as well as Christian Kirk and Marvin Jones. The Jags so far are off to a good start, but will it last?

Rams vs Cardinals: The panic button should be setting over the LA Rams at this point. Yes the Buffalo game, and nearly blowing a 28-3 lead to the Falcons. Even though they dominated the Cardinals for most of the game, LA and Pokemon McVay somehow don’t feel like the same team as they were a year ago. Most of it isn’t their fault. Losing 2 of the emotional leaders in the locker room after last year’s Super Bowl, OBJ missing time, and Von Miller leaving for a mega deal in the aforementioned mafia. But to be fair this was where the Rams defense finally stepped up. Kyler Murray once again reinforced his reputation of being a rag doll for Aaron Donald to use. Yes Marquise Brown had 14 catches, those are useless when you don’t score a TD. (This is where they need a player like Tyler Linderbaum on their O-Line) If it weren’t for the comeback last week, Arizona would be 0-3. It may be 2 years of hibernation, but the Super Bowl Location Curse is back with avengence. All of Baltimore laughs at the demise of the Cardinals.

Falcons vs Seahawks: 2 teams in deep rebuilds with no QB to rally behind, and a complete makeover of skill positions. TANK TIME! (Roundball Rock playing) Seattle despite being claimed as trash by the media all summer is still trying to win football games no matter the cost. The game itself was much better than it was projected. An offensive battle in the 1st Half became a defensive clinic in the 2nd. Leading by 4 the Falcons had a chance to seal the game, but then people realize that this is Atlanta and they have the most hard luck. But then something strange happened in the Emerald City. The Falcons did not shoot themselves in the foot. Yes the Seahawks got run over by REFBALL but to be fair they probably were losing this game anyways. Geno Smith despite one good game against Denver isn’t a long term answer. The last few minutes proved it. Pete Carroll you know what you truly need. Another clone of Russell Wilson in your offense. (I could see a certain man from Alabama fitting that system just fine)

Packers vs Buccaneers: Brady vs Rodgers. All the hype in this game was headed towards 2 of the best QBs of this generation, but what they forget to realize is oh yeah both of these teams have excellent defenses. (There are people that still think Rodgers is better all time than Brett Favre) Plus Raymond James Stadium being swarmed by Cheeseheads. Early in this game it was the Packers that flexed their might. Tom Brady could do nothing thanks to injured playmakers plus a ferocious Green Bay Front 7. The only reason why Tampa Bay is even in this game is because of REFBALL and the Packers turning the ball over twice at the 1 yard line. Even if it’s 14-6 deep into the 4th Quarter, we all know what TB12 is going to do. And with 20 seconds left. HEY HEY TAMPA BAY! THE BUCS ARE HOT AND READY TO PLAY! Guess what? This thing is far from over. I take that back, Todd Bowles decided to be an idiot and prematurely get called for a delay of game. But hey the Buccaneers still have Brady. “Pressure, steps away, throwing, tipped, and INCOMPLETE! (Bang on the Drum playing) The Packers are gonna win it!” Tampa, like Vegas before them, realizes that hiring a coach that has been exposed was a bad idea. (Well in this case, Bruce Arians made him the coach) Bowles in that situation learned nothing from his timeline with the Jets. Anyways Green Bay gets a much needed win to stay at the top of the NFC North. Bucs, at least the rest of your division is garbage.

49ers vs Broncos: There has rarely been a Sunday Night Game that has been more ugly than this one. If you were to ask Kyle Shanahan, and Nathaniel Hackett about their offenses’ execution, they’d clearly be in favor of it. On this night defense was the name of the game. It’s the only reason neither of these teams are 0-3. Denver had no answers all night for the 49ers Pass Rush, which isn’t shocking because John Elway did nothing to address the O-Line. The Broncos are feasting on a Jimmy G that had no training camp or offseason due to the ignorance of John Lynch. (I swear the 49ers love copying the Broncos of the Mike Shanahan years) You know how bad it got. GAROPPOLO RAN OUT OF THE ENDZONE FOR A SAFETY! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Even with that Dan Orlovsky type blunder, San Francisco still has the lead deep into the 4th Quarter, but once again like when he was in Seattle, Russell Wilson sucks the gravity out of Niners fans everywhere thanks to one solid TD drive. Denver’s D would do the rest. The fact that the Broncos are 2-1 despite massive flaws in coaching, and offensive structure is insulting. Oh you beat a Niners team in quicksand and has a coach who makes Brian Billick look like a genius? Good. Wake me when you beat the Chiefs, Bills, or Ravens!

Cowboys vs Giants: Nothing screams a copycat organization than the New York Giants copying the Whiteout at Penn State becoming the 3rd team in the NFL to do such a thing. (The Ravens and Cowboys are the other) Thanks to a marketing idea from both Wink Martindale and Saquan Barkley, MetLife Stadium is certainly trying to make their presence known. They have good reasoning, a 2-0 start thanks to a culture change, and capitalizing on the Bears being idiots for trading up with the G-Men for Justin Fields. This is their chance to make themselves known as contenders. (Derp song playing) That was until they met a Dallas defense that once again was unconscious. Evan Neal, just like La’el Collins the week before, was no match for Micah Parsons and his dual threat abilities. (WE ARE!) Even with this the Giants still hold a 13-6 lead with Saquan back in Nittany Lion form. So far Martindale’s unit has kept Cooper Rush in check, but then. HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY! There is no better timeline for the Dallas Cowboys than getting bailed out by High End Talent. On this night, it was CeeDee Lamb and Trevon Diggs who provided the heroics. Somehow, someway, Dem Cowboys are now 2-1 even without Dak Prescott. Despite how calm Rush has been this year, they are going to need Dak if they have any chance at making it far. (With all the money invested into him both on and off the field they have to) FYI the NFC East is wide open, there are three separate 2-1 teams in that division and those head-head matchups will be Must C TV.

FOLLIE TIME: (Nutcracker theme playing) The City of Dallas may be hyped up for the Cowboys, but they too get a special prize this week. The illustrious honor of FOOTBALL FOLLIES! (The 2nd recipient) It doesn’t involve the Cowboys but it involves the SMU Mustangs. In the much anticipated return of Sonny Dykes to Ford Stadium, TCU led SMU 42-34 with 90 seconds left. The Horned Frogs were trying to hold off an epic comeback, but weren’t able to run out the clock. They pinned the Mustangs deep in their own territory but wait. BEEP! Austin Upshaw decided it would be a very good time to try and block the punt. Too bad he tried to jump right on top of the wedged wall of TCU players trying to protect Punter Jordy Sandy. Upshaw was called for leaping. (The Simeon Rice Rule) Result: 15 yard penalty, automatic 1st Down, Ballgame. Not even the Benedict Arnold themed signs and the largest crowd in Ford Stadium History can prevent this mistake from happening. As a result Sonny Dykes gets his revenge on SMU. Karma? It sure does sound like it.