Chargers vs Chiefs: The 1st Thursday Night NFL Game in the Amazon Prime Era. So why not make this a matchup of 2 highly potent offenses from the AFC West. Early on the Chargers showed their might. Justin Herbert looks as good as advertised. LA has jumped out to a 17-7 with no end in sight. Looks like the Bolts are going to somehow win another game at Arrowhead. What would that be? 4 in 5 years. Wow! It’s looking like a rout, Patrick Mahomes has struggled and just got intercepted as… (DRAMATIC MUSIC!) Oh right it appears that the officials according to the bandwagon Charger fans are being mind controlled by Jackson Mahomes and Brittany Matthews. Conspiracy 101 if I say so myself. Here’s why those bandwagon fans and ESPN LA believe that. Because Kansas City, given another chance, took advantage. Even if Tyreek Hill is gone, they still have plenty of weapons to work with. Andy Reid has always been a man with a plan. These 1st 2 games prove it. But will it be enough? The Chargers have driven deep into Chiefs territory and have a chance to take the lead. “Again quick tempo. AND PICKED OFF at the 1 yard line! That is Watson. Out in front.Snead to protect him as well. All the way for the Touchdown!” If that doesn’t scream Vintage Chargering then I don’t know what will. A golden chance to pull away, only to blow it at the 1 yard line, and give up a TD. Kansas City must reign against little brother YET AGAIN! The NFL wants their precious narratives of the parents of the AFC Dominating. (The other 3 parents, eh. At least the Patriots won) Chargers do the Football Gods have plans for you. Not only do you have to play 2nd fiddle to the Chiefs again, CRACK! Justin Herbert has cracked ribs. His status for next week is still up in the air. Some things about this league never change. TU NO PODE LOS CHIEFS SPANOS! (They still can’t beat the Emperor of the AFC West when it matters)
Jets vs Browns: The Browns have decided to be too cute about their expectations despite the ugly win last week. (Cleveland.com = LeafsNet) Yeah Deshaun Watson is out for another 10 weeks, but they just beat their old QB last week. What better way to celebrate than putting the Brownie the Elf logo at midfield to upgrade their field presentation. And have a few legends there just for fun. Cleveland, like the previous week, was able to run the ball like crazy. It also comes with Amari Cooper turning back the clock to 2018. Yes its the Jets defense but this is a good sign for the Dawg Pound that believed he wasn’t on board thanks to his bad contract. Although Cleveland should be worried. The Jets may be starting Joe Flacco again but his track against the Browns rivals Big Ben’s. Look at it, the ButtFumble despite being frustrating for 3 quarters has come back to tie it at 17 in the 4th Quarter. The sins of last week’s dud against Baltimore is a thing of the past. That would be until Nick Chubb continued to run roughshod over the Jets D-Line. Isn’t that unit supposed to be good? Well Cleveland is a potent running team. Up by 13 despite a missed PAT by Cade York with 90 seconds left the Browns should be on their way to an unexpected 2-0 start. BOOOOOOOM! This is why that so-called elite defense is overrated. All that talent they boasted and they can’t do anything against a QB that has been out of his prime for 5 years. And not only that but the Jets got the onside kick! Do it Joe, make us laugh at failure by Lake Erie yet again! “Flacco over the middle, it’s caught! Touchdown! Garrett Wilson!” This is one of the most Cleveland ways to end a game. And no there isn’t REFBALL to save your ass unlike last week, excuse my french. Even more insane is that they gave Mike Greenberg and all the Jets homers on ESPN a reason to be optimistic. The Ravens may have blown a 21 point lead in the 4th Quarter, but that doesn’t compare to this considering who they faced. (The Difference: Baltimore faced a legit foe in the Dolphins while Cleveland faced the Jets) The only thing the Browns one up their old franchise in is idiotic decisions. Cleveland doing Cleveland things, AGAIN! Sidevoice: YOU BLEW IT BOY! YOU REALLY BLEW IT!!!
Colts vs Jaguars: (Circus Music playing) TRADITION! TRADITION! It doesn’t matter who the Colts have, they’ve done nothing but crumble in Jacksonville. This game was probably the worst one they’ve suffered over this long losing streak. Oh you thought last year in Week 18 was bad wait till you see this one. Indy was dominated from the word go. At least in the game a year ago they put up points. THEY GOT SHUT OUT! By a defense full of massively overpaid players that are somehow making an impact. Did I say that? The Jaguars, so far running with the division. I never thought I’d say this. It just shows what the power of good coaching can do for a team. Doug Pederson now that he is away from the angry mob in Philly is relaxed. The Jacksonville Media is very calm compared to Broad Street. It also helps that Trevor Lawrence is finally playing up to the #1 pick potential he had last year. That may be true but this is also a fact. Indianapolis like their rivals from Nashville are such trash. At least the Titans struggled against 2 unbeaten teams. The Colts have struggled against the 2 worst teams in the NFL last year? How are they going to succeed against legit contenders?
Panthers vs Giants: The Giants’ much hyped culture change takes its talents back home to MetLife Stadium to enjoy another cakewalk matchup against the Panthers. Unlike Cleveland last week, the G-Men made sure that Baker Mayfield and his heroics were nowhere to be found. So far Wink Martindale has made a nice 1st impression but that also could be due to playing 2 soft offenses. As for Daniel Jones, well he limited the mistakes and let Saquan Barkley do the rest. The Giants may be off to a 2-0 start and if they can beat Dallas next Monday Night, it’s smooth sailing to a 4-0 start. Looks like having a weak schedule can boost the confidence of a roster that needs it. Looks like the Saquan being a bust takes are dead.
Buccaneers vs Saints: A heat matchup in the French Quarter that should very well be physical. You know what this means? MORE INJURY BOWL! (Roundball Rock playing) The Buccaneers pretty much down their entire receiver core and Offensive Line against a Saints team missing key players on their front 7. And oh by the way Marshon Lattimore got ejected early in the contest. Once that happened #TompaBay wasn’t going to let their long time nemesis best them yet again. Tom Brady needs to prove Adam Schefter wrong in every sense of the word. He may not be the best statistical QB in the league so far, but what he does have is the will to win. The Tampa Bay defense can agree. They’ve given up 13 points in 2 games. Yes those were against injured teams but still it’s impressive. Hey Hey Tampa Bay? Sounds like the Buccaneers got the message to kick ass.
Commanders vs Lions: Hail to the Deadskins, we already know what will take place. This time featuring the week long hangover of thinking they will be much better than they are, Washington was banished straight to Dan Campbell’s trophy room. We now realize why Jared Goff was a former #1 pick. He had his first great game as a Lion. It’s more to do with the Commanders defense being rotten without Chase Young, but Goff has played well so far this year. I may sound crazy for saying this but Detroit could have a potentially potent offense going forward. And they’re doing this without their prize of the offseason in Jameson Williams. The Lions having hope for the future. Is this the apocalypse?
Patriots vs Steelers: (Blame Canada playing) It says something when the Steelers are the least pathetic team in their own division during the week. That’s only because the other 3 teams either shot themselves in the foot or got exposed thanks to the High End Talent of their opponent. Although if you were to ask any Yinzer they would tell you one thing. Matt Canada is falling into the same traps as Randy Fichtner and Todd Haley before him. Yes they were calling Mitch Trubisky’s heads as well, but you could have thrown Kenny Pickett in there and he wouldn’t have done better. Perhaps he could have just as much upside as Mac Jones who did the bare minimum to win. Well this is Bill Belichick. And he may have lost a step but there’s one thing he knows how to do on a day like this. Torture the citizens of Pittsburgh. The Patriots may be much weaker than in years prior but they did just enough to escape Heinz Field with a win. (I’m still calling it that) New England is a weird team. They’re defense is good, but their offense leaves me full of questions. Looks like I’ll find out for myself next week.
Dolphins vs Ravens: This is not a choke, I’m just putting that out there. The Ravens could have thrown out their 2000 and 2006 defenses in their primes and still would have blown that game. Why? Because 20+ years of history shows me that this team can’t defend against speed based offenses regardless of if they are out of cornerbacks or not. (They struggled against those types of offenses even in the Ray Lewis years) Also if there’s anyone that is collapsing in B-More right now, it’s the Orioles. (Minutes after the game, the O’s blew a 9th inning lead to the Blue Jays WITH 2 OUTS!) WHY CAN’T MY FAMILY BEAT MIAMI!? We might have to move down there if this keeps up in the next 5 years. (Well my family might end up there for retirement, but who knows)
Falcons vs Rams: The Rams one week after getting cooked by the so-called Super Bowl Whisperer (Why is that even a thing when they have to deal with the ghosts of William McKinley) are back at SoFi to take on a rebuilding project in the Falcons. So far LA is proving that last week’s disaster in front of their Super Bowl Celebration was a fluke. They have coasted to a 28-3 lead. Oh God, OH GOD! Whenever you hear that score bad things usually happen. Even if it’s against the team that blew sed lead to the GOAT. Atlanta once down 25 points has cut the Rams lead to 6 in the 4th Quarter. They even forced a fumble on Cooper Kupp which is unthinkable. The Falcons are going to win, nothing is going to ruin this! CRASH! Mariota threw a duck to Jalen Ramsey, are you kidding me? Looks like the Rams gain false hope after surviving a late rally against a team that they should have crushed on paper. Kroenke I have one thing to say. RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! (How’s the Bobby Wagner contract working Stan?)
Seahawks vs 49ers: Seattle it looks like your insane luck from last week is put on hold. This time you don’t have to face a team with no identity and has a hack of a coach. (Get the pun) Today you get the 49ers. They’re ticked off. After what happened at Soldier Field last week, they know they don’t want to lose to another bad team. Luckily they didn’t, Geno Smith after having a career game last week, was sent back to reality thanks to the San Fran pass rush. To be fair the Seahawks faced a team looking for a bounce back, but here’s the thing. Russell Wilson isn’t there to save you although you guys are so far winning that trade. The Niners may have blown the gates out of the Hawks but guess what? CRACK! The Football Gods weren’t excited. They added fuel to the fire that is the future of the 49ers Organization. Trey Lance broke his ankle. He’s going to be out long term. Thank god you didn’t trade away Jimmy GQ. He’s the right guy for this team. And Kyle Boller 2.0 isn’t. Or is it Rob Johnson 2.0, I’ll come back to that one.
Texans vs Broncos: Denver you are so lucky that you didn’t have to face a real team this time around. Yes they ended up winning the game but I have severe doubts about the Broncos offense. No it’s not on Russell Wilson. He still can play at a high level. Remember when I said that Denver’s Offensive Line is the problem. Well today that was the case. The Texans like Seattle last week made it so hard for the Broncos to score at the goal line. Do you now understand why Nathaniel Hackett was a bum in Jacksonville? Struggling against 2 of the worst teams in the NFL is evidence. Looks like the Mile High City wants Elway’s head again, this time they have no excuses. Last year it was no QB. What is it this time?
Bengals vs Cowboys: THE BUNGLES! Just like at the end of last year, the entire AFC North is tripping over themselves because of injuries and bad matchups. Once again, they have a chance to do some damage. (Crickets) Cincy, Cincy? You can show up any time you guys. I get that you have played 2 elite defenses but where’s the swagger and confidence from last year? Oh I get it. Defenses have had film on how to stop this offense. You just double JaMarr Chase, take away their big plays, and maul Burrow. That’s what Dem Cowboys did on this day. There’s a reason why Dallas cut La’el Collins. Micah Parsons proved that thinking. In one of the most unexpected clashes of the weekend, the Cowboys behind backup QB Cooper Rush take a 17-3 into the 2nd Half. This should be smooth sailing but then you realize, oh yeah this is Dallas. They keep getting in their own way. Just like last week, Cincinnati uses REFBALL and timely offense to get back in the game. Even if Joe Burrow again has been swarmed thanks to an overpaid O-Line, he does just enough to get the Bengals to the tying score. I bet the fans want the refs heads like in the Wild Card Game last year, if they go home empty. Don’t worry Big D, I got one thing to tell you. HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY! Even if Dak Prescott is out for 6-8 weeks the Cowboys still find ways to get bailed out by High End Talent. McCarthyism at its finest. All that’s left to do is kick the field goal. For live coverage we go to a Cowboys Employee for a reaction to the kick by Brett Maher. “Got it, Got it, YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! LETS GOOO!” How Bout Dem Cowboys! Looks like the anxiety that they faced last week against Tampa is a thing of the past. Anyways it may have been a year long vacation but the most iconic tradition in the Greater Cincinnati Area is back in session! Thank you Jerry, thank you for exposing these flukes who thought they were hotshots. Your one year of glory may be over Bungles. Welcome Back to the Basement! Sidevoice: OH NO! WE SUCK AGAIN! (If they lose to the Jets next week, Cincy could be 0-6 with their schedule coming up)
Cardinals vs Raiders: 2 0-1 teams enter, only 1 of them leaves with more false hope. The Raiders may have struggled against the Chargers last week, but so far it’s a thing of the past. They dominated the 1st Half of play. They took a 20-0 lead and made generations of Ravens fans thankful that they traded away the inconsistent Marquise Brown. However, Vegas shouldn’t get overconfident. Considering that the NFL’s wet dream is offenses that can score in bunches (That phrase ticks me off. Championships are won with defense) the Cardinals aren’t dead yet. Turns out that Kyler Murray playing video games actually improves his IQ in some ways. It was on full display in the 4th Quarter. Especially on a 2 point conversion that cut the Raiders lead to 8. But then just when Arizona is described as finished, they get bailed out by REFBALL. That holding call in the endzone allowed the Cards to force a do or die play to decide whether this game is going to OT. “Murray, stepping up. Gonna run for it! GONNA MAKE THE ENDZONE FOR THE TOUCHDOWN!” Wow Kyler did his thing on that play, but can they convert a 2 pointer to send the game to an extra period? Getting called for a delay of game is only going to make it harder. “Murray, directing traffic, to the endzone, diving, (HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY!) AND THE CATCH IS MADE! AJ GREEN!” How is this game going to Overtime? That’s all I’m asking. And the Cardinals have the chance to win it. Why are they going for it on 4th Down? DOINK! And as I said earlier the Cardinals trading for Marquise Brown was a mistake, they only paid him $25M a year to be Kyler’s video game buddy like he was at Oklahoma. Now Vegas has a chance for another chaotic win. “2nd and 10, quick pass outside, and that is complete, Hunter Renfroe, fighting for yardage and the ball is loose AGAIN! PICKED UP BY THE CARDINALS! This is Byron Murphy, to the endzone for the touchdown and the win!” WHAT WAS THAT!? Once again I don’t know how but Kliff Kingsbury may have just had his job saved. Now ESPN is going to think he is a Top 10 coach when he got bailed out by Might Mouse himself. That and Josh McDaniels being unprepared like he was in Denver. Arizona should have lost this game at least 10-20 times but like in the Ravens Dolphins game the NFL in some cases scripted this for all the drama. WE CAN’T HAVE ANY BLOWOUTS IN THIS LEAGUE ANYMORE THAT’S NOT FUN TO US! Says every teenage kid that watches football. College or the Pros.
Bears vs Packers: As someone who lived in Wisconsin for 6 years, there is nothing myself as well as current and former residents enjoy more than beating the hell out of Chicago. Whether it’s the Bulls or Bears in particular it never gets old. Aaron Rodgers and the offense still have question marks about their sustainability but the Packers defense dominated all night. Yes they got REFBALL on their side too, but Chicago wasn’t going to repeat their performance from last week against big brother. Green Bay still has plenty of questions surrounding them but they made it look easy in front of a primetime crowd at Lambeau. If they keep improving each week. It could be the status quo in Cheeseland.
Titans vs Bills: (Adams Family theme playing) Tennessee this is why you needed to beat the Giants last week. Because this nonsense was going to happen. Buffalo laid a massive ass whooping on the Titans that it knocked the franchise back to when they were still in Houston. Hey we have this Run and Shoot offense, well maybe it can be as good as the J-Gun which made the Titans look like a Division II defense. Josh Allen and Stefon Diggs had issues navigating the opposing defense all night long. Ryan Tannehill, like he was in Miami, got absolutely spanked by BillsMafia. Buffalo though does have some concern around them. Yes they are 2-0 and dominating everyone in sight, but their secondary is banged up. And playing an offense like the Dolphins next week in South Beach could be a death sentence for the defense. (Especially since their boogeyman is now over there)
Vikings vs Eagles: Has anyone mentioned that Kirk Cousins struggles on Monday Night Football especially against teams over 500? I bet there have been plenty of them. Unlike last week, the Philadelphia defense took no prisoners, and proved that their performance against the Lions was a fluke. They contained Justin Jefferson all night long. Even James Harden, Bryce Harper, and Joel Embiid got a big kick out of it. As for Jalen Hurts, he is slowly going through the McNabb Simulator. Just like Philly’s old #5, Hurts has begun his 3rd season with a convincing 1st 2 starts. The NFC East lead is so far theirs for the taking. With their schedule coming up, they could run away with the division. COUNT ON IT EVERYONE!
FOLLIE TIME: For today’s FOOTBALL FOLLIES we are going to do a little skit. The winners this week are the entire AFC North. Anyways carry on. Yinzer (Shipping up to Boston playing): We beat the Bungles last week in OT, I don’t care if it’s a fluke, STILLERS GHANTA SUPER BOWL! Wait WHAT! TJ Watt is out for 4-6 weeks, and Najee is out. GODDDDDD! Ugh, why can’t we beat (Sensored) New England? TOM BRADY IS NOT EVEN THERE AND WE GOT BEAT! MATT CANADA NEEDS TO BE FIRED NOW! Sidevoice: BLAME CANADA! (I had to put a South Park clip in there) Yinzer: MAKE KENNY PICKETT THE STARTING QB TOMLIN! This is going to be a long season. Hopefully the rest of our division will be just as bad. Marylander (Miami by Will Smith playing): Oh it feels good to be home! Up 35-14 against a team we have owned for a long time, time to book the Super Bowl reservations as, GOD DAMN IT! WHY CAN’T WE DEFEND A SPEED BASED OFFENSE FOR GOD’S SAKE! MIKE MAN WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU! Oh right I can’t criticize him, I have a job acquaitence with his wife. But still, HOW MANY TIMES ARE WE OUT OF CORNERBACKS! SAUNDERS!!! Ugh, the fanbase already wants the coaching staff chucked into the Inner Harbor thanks to having no answers for the High End Speed of their opponent, that’s impressive. Browns fan (Benny and the Jets playing): You think that’s impressive? LOOK WHAT I JUST DID AGAINST THE JETS! “Flacco throws it. caught. Touchdown Jets!” “Chubb goes up the middle and he’s into the endzone for a Cleveland touchdown!” “The Browns may have just put this one on ice.” “Flacco goes deep, wide open Corey Davis and he’ll run it into the endzone for the touchdown!” “Here comes the onside kick, (OH NO!) and did the Jets get it? They did!” “Flacco over the middle, it’s caught! Touchdown! Garrett Wilson!” We one-upped you guys AGAIN! In the choke department. Well at least if this keeps up we’ll have a top pick, oh crap the Texans and Cowboys have our 1st 2 picks. BOOOOOOOM! (A New Challenger has entered the Arena) Bengals fan (Dallas theme playing): All you AFC North rivals better hold your drinks in the heartbreak hotel. “Burrow under pressure, and he goes down.” “Pollard down the sideline. Pollard, to the 5 and he is in. Touchdown Dallas!” “Rush over the middle, and somehow Lamb makes the catch.” “Here it is on the way, Mahers kick is. ITS GOOD! The Cowboys win!” BOOM! Narrator: Wow, wow this division really is that pathetic. Marylander: IT DOESN’T MATTER RAVENS WINNING THE NORTH YEAAAAAAAH!
Bragging Rights Sports 