Opening: The 2nd Week of September. Whenever that time of the year rolls around, normalcy sets in. That normalcy is the NFL. A 22 week grind for the prize of the Vince Lombardi Trophy is about to begin. Before we start, we must pray to the Football Gods. “Heavenly Football Gods, thank you for giving us this new NFL season, all we expect you to do is give us the best that football has to offer. And if we get chaos like last year none of us will be disappointed. We ask this in the name of Lord Halas and Lambeau, AMEN!”
Bills vs Rams: How often do you see a potential Super Bowl Preview in the opening Thursday Night game? It depends on who you ask. Well in this case, the 2 teams that every talking head has all but handed the Lombardi to in the summer go head to head for a shot at 1-0. In what also happens to be the Von Miller Grudge Match, Buffalo imposed their will all night long. And it wasn’t the Bills offense that did the damage although Josh Allen is a beast. (He may have had a couple of INTs but he still looked good) It was their defense. Turns out Whitworth’s retirement was a major blow to the O-Line and locker room altogether. Von Miller and company feasted on it. (ESPN is already calling him the Super Bowl Whisperer, IT’S ONLY ONE GAME!) Luckily for the Rams, the rest of their division didn’t do a single thing this weekend so they at least got let off the hook. The Bills used this game as the start of something massive. That massive thing could be that elusive Super Bowl Ring. Like I said, it’s only 1 game. But still good start Mafia! (They have a tough schedule coming up, but they should be 5-2 at worst)
Steelers vs Bengals: No team in the NFL has talked more smack than the hotshots in Cincinnati. They have good reasoning. Making the Super Bowl in what was a rebuilding year and having most of the offense in their primes. (Their Twitter Account before the game is all you need to know) Although their season would begin against one of the 2 teams in the AFC North that wants their heads badly. That happens to be the Steelers. Pittsburgh’s defense dominated for most of the game. The so-called unstoppable Bengals offense could do nothing for much of the game. Joe Burrow behind an improved O-Line got sacked 7 times and threw 4 interceptions. Who else besides JaMarr Chase showed up today? Um, anytime you guys. The only reason that Cincinnati is even in this game is because of heinous REFBALL. Looks like the NFL wants the New Frontier to win and the Steelers are trying not to let it happen. They have a 17-3 lead in the 2nd Half. CRACK! And then Najee Harris gets injured and their offense becomes predictable. It’s at this moment where the Bengals unlock their offensive talent. Even if Pittsburgh’s offense is now stuck in quicksand they still have a 6 point lead. The Bengals keep shooting themselves in the foot near the endzone, it’s all but a given that they mess it up. Too bad the Yinzers weren’t able to run out the clock. Cincy now has the chance to pull off an undeserved win. The Steelers got screwed over by REFBALL on the final drive, just put the nail in the coffin Joey. “4 seconds left, Burrow dials it up. TOUCHDOWN!” Wow! That was a gutsy rally by Burrow. All they need is the extra point to go to 1-0. HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY! Isn’t there no better headline than the Steelers getting bailed out by High End Talent. Yes the Bengals long snapper got injured but how can you explain Minkah Fitzpatrick balling out. He had a Pick 6 and the blocked field goal to send the game to OT. Although Evan McPherson is getting another chance. Cincinnati has driven deep into Yinzer territory. This is a 29 yard chip shot for a guy who has been money in these spots. “From 29 yards away. Oh HE MISSED IT! Badly!” Perhaps the long snapper getting injured was the kiss of death. Now the Steelers have marched into field goal range. Same rule with Chris Boswell. He rarely misses in the clutch and this is one of those examples. (YoYo Sound) What do you mean he missed? Well he tried a line drive approach and it failed. That’s it, the Bengals are winning. Um, I take that back. The Steelers defense stopped them plus they got a makeup call in their favor on yet another fumble from Burrow. (You can’t advance the ball after a fumble after the 2 minute warning) And wouldn’t you guess. HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY! High End Talent! That’s such a Pittsburgh trademark isn’t it. (UrinatingTree would agree) Now Boswell gets another chance. “Snap, placement, kick on the way, Boswell. That’s a winner!” What a game, that just shows you how much character that a Mike Tomlin coached team has. This game did say more about Cincinnati than it did about Pittsburgh but this was a solid win by the Steelers to open the season. It does come at a cost. BOOM! TJ Watt. He’ll be out for a while with a torn pec. I wouldn’t write them off even if Watt is out though. I’ve seen this movie too many times with them. (As a Ravens fan the one rule I have is to never count out the Rooneys)
Jaguars vs Commanders: The most underrated grudge match of the week. Carson Wentz against Doug Pederson. 2 men that were run out of Philadelphia thanks to an angry mob of fans and Howie Roseman trying to copy Eric DeCosta. Today one of these 2 men will have the last laugh. And that man is Philly’s former lord and savior. Wentz skied the ball against the Jags overpaid secondary for 4TDs. Even if he made a few mistakes along the way Wentz was in control for much of the game. Trevor Lawrence on the other side tried to keep up although 2 things undid them. Play calling and drops. The one by Etienne on 4th and Goal basically cost them the game. Although it’s good to see Jahan Dotson flash the form he had at Penn State last year. (Same with Travon Walker) The combo of Dotson and Terry McLaurin could be a duo to fear. As for the rest of the Commanders, they are confusing. On offense they looked good but what about the defense. Too soon. (They did make a key INT when they had to at the end)
Patriots vs Dolphins: It doesn’t matter the circumstances, it doesn’t matter how good both teams are. The City of Miami especially Hard Rock Stadium is the boogeyman of Bill Belichick and the New England Patriots. Something about the humid conditions or the ghosts of Dan Marino and Don Shula continue to plague the hoodie. This game said more about how overmatched the Patriots offense was. This had nothing to do with Mac Jones but it was a result of terrible play calling and bad execution. Brian Flores may be out of South Beach but it still didn’t matter. The Dolphins dominated for much of the game, and even if Tyreek Hill had his moments, Miami did the bare minimum to win against a team that has no clue who their OC and DC is going to be. With the schedule that New England has they could be 0-4. (Although after Week 4 their schedule is soft for a while) The Patriots struggling is rare to see but it usually is short lived. The Dolphins are hard to get a gadge on. I need to see for myself what they can do against a contending team. That Baltimore game next week should be their litmus test.
Saints vs Falcons: If you were to tell me that this game would have ended the way it did at certain points of the game I would have given you a weird look. The Falcons. A team beginning a long hard rebuild in the 1st game of the post Matt Ryan Era, and missing their #1 WR due to gambling. Even with all of these circumstances against them Atlanta went out to a 26-10 lead in the 3rd Quarter. Do you remember the name Marcus Mariotta? He had a solid game overall. But so did Famous Jameis. Winston overcame a slow start and just like in Tampa Bay, he dotted up the Falcon defense in the clutch. He also got plenty of help from Michael Thomas. (Good to see him back and kicking ass again) All of a sudden it’s now a 2 point game. Maybe there is a chance that the ATL holds off the comeback. Nah, the Wonders of Bourbon Street would have the last laugh as they drove into field goal range. Will Lutz does the rest. Even if the Saints got trolled by REFBALL at the end, they blocked a 63 yarder at the buzzer. I know the narrative is to call this a Falcons choke, but the Saints earned this win. Although I do have concerns for New Orleans. The way they played for most of this game isn’t going to work against stronger teams. Get it fixed. (Dennis Allen is facing the shadows of Sean Payton though)
49ers vs Bears: This is why you don’t bench Jimmy G if you are Kyle Shanahan. That man is the only reason why Shanahan is even a respectable coach. Without Garoppolo the Niners could survive a quarter, but a game not so fast! Trey Lance was exposed all day long. And it wasn’t against a Super Bowl Contender. Try the Bears. A team that just blew up the roster in the offseason and is being carried by Justin Fields arms and legs. I get that it was a monsoon at Soldier Field and the grass was also in bad conditions, but San Francisco would have been bad if nothing was going on either. They let a defense with both Eddie Jackson and Roquan Smith who have no idea about their future with the Bears dominate all day long. That is saying something. Even a 10-0 lead early in the game isn’t enough to guide the 49ers to victory. Good news San Fran you now have to go through what the Ravens did with Brian Billick. (Except he has neither a ring nor Ray Lewis to carry him) A so-called offensive genius at Head Coach who lowballed the main reason for his success for a shiny new toy that isn’t as good as advertised. If this keeps up Lance will be Kyle Boller 2.0. Knowing Shanahan the QB Controversy has only begun. (I don’t want to hear that name ever again)
Colts vs Texans: Colts are you ever going to learn that you don’t look past your opponent no matter who it is. This is how they lost last year to Jacksonville in Week 18, and how they lost to Vegas the previous week. Anyways it’s pretty easy to expose Indy’s O-Line if you focus on the right side of it. That’s what the Texans did in the 1st Half. Heck they led 20-3 with Davis Mills, and OJ Howard carving up the Colts defense. Going into the 4th Quarter it appeared as if Houston would pull off a huge Week 1 win. BOOM! (Tuba Smarties playing) Really Indianapolis. Now is the time you flash your potential? Where was this in the 1st Half? Yes you did get helped by REFBALL but this shouldn’t have been a game. As a result, Indy thanks to High End Talent has forced the game into OT. They even went down the field after forcing General Mills and his offense to punt on their 1st drive of OT. Blankenship may have PTSD from Baltimore last year but this a 35 yard chip shot for a team that shouldn’t be in this situation. Roll the footage. “Good snap, good hold, kick is on its way, end over end, it is………….. NO GOOD!” (It’s B-More on Monday Night Football all over again) Marylander: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! EAT CROW IRSAY! YOU DESERVE TO TIE TO ONE OF THE WORST TEAMS IN FOOTBALL YOU MAYFLOWER LOVER!
Browns vs Panthers: Baker Mayfield against the team that ran him out of town in favor of a man who hasn’t played in 2 years and committed sexual allegations. (I won’t go that much further because it wouldn’t be appropriate for this blog) I wonder how this will go. (BOOO!) Baker throwing picks. Already. Well the Browns did do a good job scouting the Panthers and Mayfield did open his mouth during the week. However the only reason that Cleveland got out to a huge lead early was behind Nick Chubb and Kareem Hunt. Those 2 men are the only reasons that the Browns offense is relevant while Deshaun Watson is out. Jacoby Brissett is a downgrade that got poked all day long. Even if they led 20-7, the Browns tried to hand their once solid QB a win out of nowhere. Baker, after 3 rough quarters, finally showcased his talents as the Panthers came back to take the lead. There’s no way Carolina is gonna lose, Cleveland has to try a 58 yard field goal with a rookie kicker. Let’s laugh at failure yet again. “The kick, look at this, has the distance, and Cade York wins it for Cleveland!” Drafting a kicker in the middle rounds is a bold approach, but when you get something like that, there’s no need to panic. (I swear Haslam is trying to copy Mike Brown isn’t he. Not a good idea) The Browns escape with an ugly win. They know that they won’t get away with this kind of game if they face a team with a real coach. Panthers please get rid of Matt Rhule, for the sake of your fans.
Ravens vs Jets: Marylander: WHAT DID THEY SAY TO YOU TO GET YOU TO SELL NEW YORK CITY DOWN THE RIVER!? Edgar: Whistling (You better sell the city Jets, because we’ll make the Giants do it for you in Week 6 if you don’t do it right now!) Marylander: AFC you better watch your back because WE’RE COMING FOR YOUR ASS! YEAAAAAAAAAH! (Sounds like Charm City Beasts will be as fun as predicted, I hope)
Giants vs Titans: This game made no sense to me. I don’t know how, I don’t know why, but how was this even a game in the end. The Titans should have dominated the Giants from the word go. Heck they even led 13-0 at halftime with King Henry XXII up to his old tricks again. Then came the 2nd Half. The Titans O-Line single handedly cost them the game. I know the consensus is to blame Ryan Tannehill, but trust me you could have prime Steve McNair behind that line and he wouldn’t have done better. (Plus Martindale knows how to scheme against Mike Vrabel) Just when they stopped Tennessee in their tracks, the Giants gained all of the momentum. Remember Saquan Barkley? He dominated all day long and had fun doing it. (RIP to the takes of Saquan being KiJana Carter 2.0) Even Daniel Jones wasn’t that bad. With those 2 trying to carry Brian Daboll to his 1st win, the G-Men have taken the lead with a touchdown, and 2 point conversion. But the Titans are going to try to not only scare the Giants but pull off an undeserved win. But do you not understand who their kicker is? “Rookie Ryan Stonehouse the holder, the kick by Bullock is on the way (DRAMATIC MUSIC!) OH IT’S NO GOOD! He missed it to the left!” (Derp Song playing) The memelord legend of Fat Randy lives on for another year. The Titans squander a golden chance at capitalizing on their rivals’ tying and Clownsville’s gongshow by means of outderping the derp. However I should give my praises to the Giants. They went into Nashville on 9/11 and gave New Yorkers a sign of hope for the future. Yes it had more to do with the Titans self destructions but they earned this win. Can they keep it up? There lies the question. King Julien: All Hail the New York Giants! Crowd: NEW YORK GIANTS! YEAAAAAAAAAH! (I had to pull out a Madagascar clip didn’t I)
Raiders vs Chargers: New year, same old story with the Chargers. No it has nothing to do with their team, they are the Offseason Champions of the AFC by default. It’s because SoFi Stadium is being swarmed by RaiderNation. Just like last year, the visiting fans had to watch Justin Herbert carve up Gus Bradley’s defense. To be fair, Vegas didn’t play any of their starters in the preseason, but Herbert is a problem for most DCs. In this game, Herby wasn’t the main headliner despite throwing for 3 TDs. It was the Chargers defense. Every time the Raiders mounted a rally, the Bolts stopped them in their tracks. Remember Khalil Mack. He feasted on his old team in his Charger debut. So did JC Jackson. Davante Adams had a few moments, but nothing really significant. This was the kind of game that I figured the Chargers would lose based on past reputation, but here that wasn’t found. Maybe this kind of mental toughness carries them throughout the season. Next week they get the Chiefs. That should be just as fun as it was in Week 15 of last year. Don’t let me down!
Chiefs vs Cardinals: Patrick Mahomes vs his old boss Kliff Kingsbury. The only 2 reasons why Texas Tech was relevant in 2016. Today this friendly battle wouldn’t be close. Kansas City needs to reign supreme over anyone that comes their way. Even if Tyreek Hill is gone, the Chiefs still dominated all across the board. Travis Kelce is still unguardable, and Andy Reid being a man with a plan despite his best weapons on both sides gone helped matters too. Arizona I do have one question. What is wrong with you? The Kyler Murray contract is one thing but you do not trade a 1st Round pick and give out $25M a year to an inconsistent Marquise Brown? Who did nothing against the Chiefs like always. As for Kyler, he didn’t get anything going until garbage time. It didn’t end there, most of State Farm Stadium was dominated by Chiefs fans as well. Cardinals this could be a long season for you. And with Hopkins not available until Week 7, they could be out of the running already with their schedule coming up.
Packers vs Vikings: Stop me when you’ve heard this story. The Green Bay Packers get embarrassed on the road in Week 1 by a playoff contender, and everyone has concerns about Aaron Rodgers. We saw this last year against the Saints and we’re seeing it again. Although to be fair, the Packers were missing both of their starting tackles, and their WR room is still a work in progress. This was also the revenge match of ZaDarius Smith thus giving the Viking defense an inside scoop on how to beat Rodgers. As for the other side. Minnesota flexed their might against one of the best defenses in the NFC. Green Bay had no answers for Justin Jefferson, again. It’s like playing against prime Moss isn’t it Tom Grossi. Although if I’m a Packers fan, I wouldn’t panic just yet. This game said more about the Vikings than it did about the Pack. Minnesota has a new look and should be in playoff contention all season long. This was a positive sign but can they be consistent unlike years past? That’s the question.
Buccaneers vs Cowboys: It may be Week 1 but the chaos of the NFL Season is taking shape. You know what this calls for? AN INJURY BOWL! (Roundball Rock playing) HOW BOUT DEM COWBOYS!? You’ve probably heard that statement a lot over the past 30 years. This time it comes with Dallas being stuck in quicksand mostly due to injuries to the Offensive Line especially Tyron Smith. The Buccaneers may be without pretty much their entire O-Line from last year, and Chris Godwin got injured in his return from IR, but they ran circles around Dem Boys in this game. You know how ugly it got? The Cowboys for the 1st time in the Dak Prescott Era failed to score a touchdown during a home game. Prescott himself was not only playing against the vaunted Tampa Bay front 7 but he was probably facing the Housewives in the DirecTV commercial as well. Is it me or whenever Tyron Smith gets injured, Dak just doesn’t have it. This game proved it. And oh by the way he suffered a severe thumb injury on his throwing hand. He’ll be out 6-8 weeks. If the Cowboys don’t make a trade for someone in the next few weeks, it could be another long season. But Jerry Jones has to be optimistic as expected. To the joy of every football fan outside of Big D, the Cowboys once again got destroyed on National TV by a Super Bowl Contender. Sis, are you sure you want to deal with this? (My sister now has a job with them instead of NFL Network. I know it’s a promotion, but trust me all that’s out there is underachievement not from you but from the team itself) The Ride Never Ends.
Broncos vs Seahawks: The final grudge match of the Opening Week. Russell Wilson vs the Seahawks. Despite being the best player in franchise history, that won’t stop the 12th Man from booing him as soon as he took the field. (The way his timeline in Seattle ended is why they are booing him) Wilson and the Broncos would be tested right out of the gate. Do you remember Geno Smith? He had himself a solid 1st Half. 2 TDs passes and he looked comfortable doing so. DangerRuss on the other side had his moments but for the most part, he just didn’t have it. Although that had much to do with Seattle knowing his tendencies. Yes I get that Pete Carroll is an excellent motivator, but how do you explain Denver fumbling twice at the 1 yard line in the 2nd Half. Those missed points will not come back to haunt the Broncos. See, their defense is shutting down Geno Smith, and the Seahawks lead is trimmed to one point. With a minute left, Denver is charging into field goal range but here is where we get a legendary FOOTBALL FOLLIE. Nathaniel Hackett, in his NFL Debut is faced with a tough decision, 4th and 5 at the Seattle 46. He has 2 choices. 1: trust Russell Wilson and his receivers to get 6 yards and set up a game winning field goal. 2: Run the clock down and let Brandon McManus try to tie the record for the longest field goal in Broncos History. Hackett’s decision. Attempt a 64 yard field goal into the wind and the 12th Man. McManus does have one of the strongest legs in the NFL, but why is this even being tried? Let’s see what the Gods have decided? “From 64, McManus………. (DRAMATIC MUSIC) Missed it!” You lost to SEATTLE HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! What is it with John Elway failing to realize that you can’t hire inexperienced coaches without figuring out the personnel to pull it off? I swear he tried this same thing with Vic Fangio. Why do they never learn?
FOLLIE TIME: (Nutcracker Theme playing) Oh Broncos fans you aren’t the only ones getting the honors of this week’s FOOTBALL FOLLIES! Texas A&M and Notre Dame take home the crowns for this week as well. Both teams were at home against significantly weaker opponents while being in the Top 10, and both teams laid massive eggs. The Fighting Irish had no answers for a Marshall defense that was effective both in the pass rush, and in the secondary. Not to mention Notre Dame’s offense was exposed by Ohio State’s defense the week before. The Aggies have no such luck. Almost 15 years to the day that they upset Michigan at the Big House to open the 2007 season, Appalachian State went into College Station and upset 6th ranked A&M. Just like the Irish, Jimbo Fisher’s offense was contained by a defense they should have crushed. Preseason expectations eh. You either love them or you hate them. This time, YOU HATE EM!
Bragging Rights Sports 