Narrator: Ah freedom! Finally we can relax, we don’t have to hear about how Lamar can’t win big games, beat Mahomes, or anything else besides the Super Bowl. We can just focus on winning football games without narratives. It’s like when we finally knocked off Pittsburgh a decade ago. So who are the Ravens playing this weekend? (Marylander: A soft opponent on paper) Narrator: GOOD!
CHARM CITY BEASTS
Starring Lamar Jackson, Marquise Brown, Rashod Bateman, Ronnie Stanley, Alejandro Villanueva, Calais Campbell, Odafe Oweh, Marlon Humphrey, Justin Tucker, John Harbaugh, with Greg Roman, and Don Martindale. Guest appearances by the “Salty Marylander” and a Muppet News Reporter
Season 2 Episode 3: The DemiGod of a Kicker Crushes Motown (AGAIN)
Created by Bragging Rights Sports
Narrator: It has been a quiet week in Owings Mills. Even after a solid win over a long time nemesis there is still plenty of focus surrounding the team. After a wild celebration Sunday Night, John Harbaugh stated that we have plenty of work left to do especially on defense. Despite giving up 68 points in 2 games (Most in Opening 2 games since 2013) he states that we have made improvement from a week ago despite the collapse in the 4th Quarter. To be clear they faced probably the 2 best offensive units in the AFC to start the season. Now with their biggest test out of the way the Ravens can now breathe a sigh of relief. They are not being criticized by the media for a whole week for one of the few times this week. However there is a new whipping boy for the Marylanders to go for. Former NFL player Uche Nwaneri. He is one of the hosts on the Dumpster Fire with the legendary 5 Point Vids, and UrinatingTree. During his preseason predictions he had both the Bengals and Browns making the AFC Championship and had the Ravens and Chiefs both missing the playoffs. In fact he called Lamar and Greg Roman a “Solved Math Problem” before the season began. (That quote has aged very quickly) Now he has said that despite their win over the Chiefs claims that one of these weeks Lamar is going to get RG3’d and their style of play isn’t sustainable. Also I forgot to mention this, he had the Broncos crushing us in Week 4. (Marylander: You’re going to eat your words Uche) If this were a fan or former player from a team that has been consistently good I would be ok with it. Here is why I’m not, HE IS A JAGS FAN HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (He was part of that Jaguars team that beat the Ravens in 2011 before they knocked off the Steelers) PAUSE
The next compelling story is surrounding the health of 1st Round pick Rashod Bateman. Harbaugh has said that we are trying to work him back into the lineup as soon as we can but it will take time for him to get up to game speed. The same can be said about Le’Veon Bell, many are still wondering why Bell isn’t on the field and that answer is simple. They want to see what they have in Freeman, Williams, and Murray. It’s similar to the Dez Bryant situation last year but his time will come eventually. In other news Ronnie Stanley and Marlon Humphrey started their own podcast this week called “Guru Punch”. In their first episode they are convincing guests to drop their favorite Leonardo DaVinci emojis for the chat so that they can reveal who has the best one. Back to the Lamar saga, even when Action Jackson silenced the media once again, everyone was wondering why he wasn’t at practice at the end of the week? He had a stomach flu which is not COVID related but that didn’t stop social media from blowing up. Luckily for Jackson he had someone that was on the same page as him, Jamison Hensley. (The Ravens Longtime ESPN Reporter) He stated that Lamar is most likely going to play following that short absence. Also LJ told Hensley after the Chiefs game that he called KC his kryptonite one time. The last time he was questionable in his career he threw 5 TDs against the Jets on Thursday Night Football in 2019. Lets see who he will be getting his shot against this time. For an explanation on this matchup we go to a muppet newsman for the revealing of this game. Muppet: INNNNNNNNN BREAKKKKKKKING NEEEEEEEWS! (He was the muppet in the Cameo Video when the schedule came out in May) The Ravens will head to Detroit, for their matchup against the Lions this weekend. GO KICK SOME LION BUTT!
With that being said the Ravens should have a soft opponent to beat on for once following clashes against 2 AFC Powerhouses. The last time these 2 teams met in MoTown was a Monday Night game in Week 15 of 2013. In that game Baltimore beat the Lions without even scoring a touchdown, but that was due to Justin Tucker kicking 6 field goals including a 61 yarder at the gun. (The game that made him a legend in NFL/Ravens LORE!) That game also was the beginning of the end for Harbs old buddy Jim Schwartz in Detroit as head coach. With his opponent being a rookie in Dan Campbell the 59 year old boy wonder should have smooth sailing to their 1st road win of the year. COUGH! Are you kidding me? (Justin Houston, Jaylon Ferguson, Brandon Williams, and Justin Madabuike OUT!) First injuries, NOW COVID AGAIN! Now they are down to their 3rd string DT but at least they are deep at OLB with a certain Defensive Rookie of the Year now starting. Yes Odafe Oweh looks like a stud after 2 weeks but now he gets to face Lions Rookie Tackle Penei Sewell. (This should be interesting)
Early in this game like the one in Vegas 2 weeks ago the Ravens defense started out strong. Baltimore got pressure on Jared Goff and forced him to make quick decisions that cost him. The Ravens tried to open up the game but either stalled on 3 straight plays, or Justin Tucker kicked a 49 yarder wide to the right. (More on him later) Early on the Ravens were playing down to their competition on offense but there was still time for a statement. Action Jackson despite his running abilities being limited looked very poised in the pocket. If it weren’t for a certain Marquise Brown suddenly having a week of butterfingers he would have had his best single game throwing the ball in his career. Even if Hollywood dropped at least 2 touchdowns, they got big games out of Devin Duvernay, and Mark Andrews. Duvernay in fact scored his 2nd touchdown in as many weeks as LJ took advantage of the Lions blowing a coverage in the endzone. With a 13-0 lead in the 3rd Quarter it looked like a defensive statement was being made.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC!) Not this again! There is always one game a year where the Ravens let a bad team keep up with them thanks to sloppy play in the 2nd Half and penalties. Baltimore was crushing Detroit but then REFBALL made an appearance and suddenly the Raven lead was down to 13-7. But it’s ok, Jackson marched his team down the field for a JT field goal and a 16-7 lead. The defense just needs one stop as, Marylander: Why on earth can’t our defense defend in the 3rd or 4th Quarter of games this year? I know we are down several starters up front, and in the secondary, but why is DeShon Elliott always limping in these games? Narrator: As a result the Baltimore lead is narrowed to 2 points. At least Jackson and the offense are moving the ball via the air game. Even though the Lions forced them into a 3rd Down Lamar is looking for a big play as… Marylander: Why on earth is Hollywood not going for the ball on that play! I know he is afraid of dropping it again but YOU’VE GOTTA BE ABLE TO MAKE PLAYS IN THESE SPOTS! Narrator: Thus the inevitable is happening, the Ravens following their statement against the Chiefs is allowing a winless team to potentially beat them. Marylander: Aren’t you guys proud! LOOK AT THIS DEFENSE BEND WITH EVERYTHING TO PLAY FOR! They are allowing a team with 3 good offensive players to keep up with them, and now their 13 point lead is gone! I don’t think Detroit is going to win but DEAR GOD something needs to happen. In other words can we please get rid of Martindale and his now overrated schemes? “Jackson is forced out of bounds, and now it’s 4th and long!” Oh my goodness it’s going to happen, the Ravens losing to a team they should easily dominate. Didn’t they not realize that the Lions weren’t going to play them soft. No need for worries because look at all of that juicy talent we have! HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY! (A random big play on a 4th and 19 thanks to Lamar and his arm) Narrator: Now the question is how far can Justin Tucker kick it? He did make a 60 yarder in warmups and almost made a 65 yarder before the game on both ends too. Now he has to try one from 66 YARDS OUT? It’s unlikely that he will make it but hey if anyone can do it, it has to be JT. “Tucker’s kick is on the way, it is OFF THE CROSSBAR! AND IT TUMBLES THROUGH!!! IT IS GOOD!!!” (Lion King theme playing) Holy Cow, they did it AGAIN! For the 2nd week in a row the Ravens snatch victory from the jaws of defeat! (If Villanueva could block Maxx Crosby in Week 1 it would be 3 weeks in a row) Marylander: JT THE GOOOOOOOOOOAT!!! PAUSE.
Narrator: First of all I need to make one thing clear about who is the winner of this week’s FOOTBALL FOLLIES! The honor goes to the fans of the Detroit Lions who are claiming that they got screwed because they didn’t call a delay of game penalty right before that kick. According to “Boy Wonder Johnny Harbaugh” there was no evidence that there should have been a delay of game penalty because the game clock was a few seconds slower at Ford Field than it was on TV. Dan Campbell said that this is the worst call I’ve seen in my years of being a coach or assistant. To be fair I would feel bad for Detroit if they weren’t playing the Ravens. Because us Marylanders are usually the ones getting robbed by REFBALL in games against weaker teams. You know what would have helped Lions fans, NOT GIVING UP A 4TH AND 19 DEEP IN BALTIMORE TERRITORY! This is one of the most Lionest games to have ever been Lioned! And I think we need the Marylander’s take on this one!
Marylander: Ah the relief that is going through our veins right now. To me this isn’t joy, this is relief since we almost lost to a team we should have crushed on paper. There are still a few issues that need to be fixed, but they can be made up quickly. Luckily the Ravens are getting Derek Wolfe, Nick Boyle, and Rashod Bateman back within the next 10 days so everything is going to be fine. Next week we are going to be in a massive showdown against the undefeated Broncos. If they can win in the Rocky Mountains it would lead to a possible smooth sailing towards another huge lead in the division. The only good news for us is that we aren’t living in a world where the Cleveland Browns and Cincinnati Bengals are ahead of the Baltimore Ravens Ravens and Pittsburgh Steelers. (It would be the end of the world in Maryland and Pennsylvania) Anyways great win, start playing California Love on Spotify because THE RAVENS GOING TO DA SUPA BOWL!!! Narrator: There is still a long way to go buddy, and Denver is coming for us next week. (Tune in for an exciting new CHARM CITY BEASTS episode from the heart of the Rocky Mountains!)
Bragging Rights Sports 