Giants vs Hogs: The Giants are trying to prove that last week’s loss to the Broncos was a mirage. So far for them it’s a good start. Daniel Jones was converting key 3rd Down plays and Saquan looks like his old self again. That is until the Hogs came right back down the field thanks to Terry McLaurin and Taylor Heinicke. From that moment on it was clear that both of those so-called elite defenses could do nothing to stop the big play from happening. Washington in the 2nd Half stormed back from an early hole thanks to a key touchdown and defensive stops. All they need to do is score again and… BOOM! “INTERCEPTED!” Don’t worry DC the Giants have struggled in the 2nd Half, as long as you don’t let them chew the clock you’re good. In this case New York takes the lead but here is where we get our weekly FOOTBALL FOLLIES! Like last year Giants fans are thinking that there is a deep sync conspiracy against them. This time instead of blaming Doug Pederson, they are blaming those good old ZEBRAS! In this game Big Blue had 2 touchdowns called back including a long run by Danny Dimes. Not to mention the officials reviewed a key catch by McLaurin that got the Hogs into field goal range which Giants fans thought was clearly incomplete. What else is there for us to see? “Hopkins for the win, the kick is on its way and it is WIDE RIGHT!” BEEP! “Offside, on the Defense #97, it’s a 5 yard penalty, and an automatic 1st Down.” NOW THEY CAN KICK AGAIN! “The kick is up and it is GOOD! (Game Over YEAH!) WASHINGTON WINS IT IN A CLASSIC!” The G-Men love blowing late game leads. Not even Joe Judge can fix that.
Bengals vs Bears: The BUNGLES! They have a chance to do some massive damage in their own division with each of their rivals struggling early on. Playing against a Bears team searching for answers is an interesting matchup. CRACK! Especially since Cincinnati knocked out their old Red Rifle in the 1st Half. Thus leads Da Bears to bring in their potential savior of the team. Justin Fields. To be honest Fields was ok but he still needs a few more weeks before he can become the true starter. It wasn’t he who won the game today. It was Chicago’s defense! Joe Burrow got mauled all day by Khalil Mack and Roquan Smith, and when the Bengals needed him to produce he failed. This is how things can change in the NFL Zac Taylor, Just use this as a learning experiment for the rest of the season.
Texans vs Browns: Tyrod Taylor has a grudge on his side. He is returning to the city that kicked him to the curb 3 years ago for the Cocky QB from Oklahoma. Today he wants his revenge! The Browns are a talented team yes, but they have tendencies like their rivals from Pittsburgh to play down to their competition. Most of it is due to injuries to Baker Mayfield, Jarvis Landry, and JOK plus Cleveland’s defense isn’t well coached. How is this game going to get more bizarre? CRACK! This is why the Football Gods want you to play Deshawn Watson, David Culley. Tyrod Taylor is out and as soon as that happened the Browns unlocked their talents and abilities. If I’m Cleveland I’m a little concerned. Letting a team like Houston who you should beat badly keep up with you for 60 minutes is not a good sign. They have a medium schedule coming up so this is preparation for those key games if you can tell.
49ers vs Eagles: The Eagles think they are hotshots after exposing an excuse of a defense last week in Atlanta! Now they must face a real defense in the 49ers. The only thing holding back Philadelphia in this game was timely mistakes, penalties, and missed scoring chances. They had a 90+ yard catch to get deep into San Francisco territory. What do they get? NO POINTS! (Recreating the Philly Special. it’s like Doug Pederson never left) Not to mention the 9ers had excellent scheming and took advantage of prime scoring opportunities. Even when the Eagles try to make a comeback they fall short since they can’t stop a 3rd Down. The 9er Gang rolls to 2-0 and legitimizes themselves in the NFC once again. As for Philly you get Dallas next week, please beat them for all of our sakes. Should we really count on this team against a revved up JerryWorld.
Patriots vs Jets: There is no greater tradition in 21st Century Sports than Boston teams beating the hell out of New York especially in the NFL. (A tradition began in October of 2004) Jets you do realize that Sam Darnold is the least of your issues. Your biggest problem is ownership and player development. And here is the thing, it’s even worse since Bill Belichick roasts 1st and 2nd year QBs. That’s why you can’t keep changing QBs almost every year, because that’s what will happen. Zach Wilson was absolutely crushed by the Patriots D so bad that he must have been seeing Ghosts himself. (WHO YOU GONNA CALL?) Mac Jones was ok but he didn’t need to play a great game in order to win this one. As a result New England wins their first game of the year. THE NEW YORK JETS EVERYONE!
Raiders vs Steelers: RaiderNation has come out of hiding. They made a massive statement last week against a potential Super Bowl Contender and now they have a chance to beat up on another powerhouse in the Steelers. If you haven’t noticed the Raiders defense this season so far looks like a formidable unit. They’ve got good pass rushers, depth all around, and Gus Bradley is fitting in so far with Gruden’s system. Plus it may have been 5 years but Derek Carr is back in MVP form. Even if Pittsburgh contained Darren Waller for much of the game, the Vegas offense had no trouble moving the ball against the vaunted Steeler defense. Big Ben and the Pittsburgh offense was suffocated by Maxx Crosby and that defense throughout the day. The Raiders are looking like a contender right now after beating 2 playoff caliber teams. But how will they fare against their arch rivals from the BBQ Capital?
Rams vs Colts: The Colts need this win by any means necessary. They know they have a rough schedule coming up and they need a statement win to keep up with the Jones’ of their conference. Too bad they are running into a machine known as the LA Rams. If you were wondering where Cooper Kupp was over the past few games. He was injured. Now that he is healthy he is back in 2019 form. I mean what happened to this Indy defense. Weren’t they supposed to be legit. Turns out that Frank Reich hasn’t adjusted to the modern offense. Or maybe it’s because they played 2 NFC West teams in a row to start the year. How will this get worse for the Colts? CRACK! Carson Wentz injured his ankles. I might consider a garage sale at the trade deadline if things keep up. (Titans, Dolphins, and Ravens on the road coming up with basically no QB. WHERE IS ST NICK?)
Broncos vs Jaguars: Denver gets no respect they say, they have a great defense they say, Teddy Bridgewater is better than Justin Herbert they say! Well those phrases from Broncos fans were taken to new levels. I know they are playing the Jaguars, and besides Trevor Lawrence they don’t have much but hey whenever you get a soft team you need to crush them. That’s what Denver did. Even without Jerry Jeudy, the Broncos offense looks solid and Bridgewater so far isn’t forcing things. I know they have an easy schedule plus they play the Jets next week but I’m interested to see what they can do against a real team. ESPN we need to talk, there is absolutely no way you can pick the Jags to finish ahead of the 3 traditional powers in the AFC over the last 20 years and have them going to the 2nd Round. How often does a former college coach have instant success at the NFL Level? You better go eat your words for a few minutes before rethinking your preseason predictions. Anyways don’t tell Chiefs fans that they have yet another solid team in their own division trying to knock them off.
Saints vs Panthers: Hey New Orleans great job on the win last week! DING! What? Am I hearing this right? Saints what were you doing after that win? What have we told you when you beat another NFC power you don’t act like it’s winning the Super Bowl. Against a Panthers team that on paper is way below your talent level you have no answers for Sam Darnold or CMC. As for Jameis Winston he had his first SUS game in a Saints uniform. DING! 2 interceptions and looked overcooked to hockey puck status. Saints, your one week of pretending everything was fine is over. You need Michael Thomas back and you need him back now. (SOS Payton) As for Carolina I like what I’m seeing. Darnold is back in USC form and if they continue this winning formula they could be able to make the playoffs. I don’t know if the Buccaneers want you in the conversation for the NFC South.
Bills vs Dolphins: Football fans I need to give you a history lesson. Back in the glory years of the Dolphins during the Don Shula era. Their legendary coach had a winning record against every coach he ever faced except for 1 man. Marv Levy. During the mid 1980s and early 1990s the Bills under Levy dominated the Dolphins by a 17-6 margin. Why are you bringing this up you say, it’s because of one thing. BOOM! The Dolphins once again have no answers for the K-Gun caliber team from Buffalo. Josh Allen played much better than he did on Opening Day against the Steelers but like last year in Week 17 Miami was destroyed by the Bills special teams and defense. 35-0 on the scoreboard to be exact. I thought that Buffalo were frauds after what happened last week but they still are a solid team nonetheless. Good win!
Vikings vs Cardinals: The Cardinals like last year are off to a white hot start on offense. Kyler Murray is once again in the MVP race early on thanks to a supporting cast of talented receivers and an O-Line that so far has played better than I thought. The only issue for Arizona in this game is that they are playing the Vikings. Yes they may not be as good as you guys but they too have a powerful offense. At one point Minnesota held a 20-7 lead but this is the Skolkings and they always find artistic ways to lose. Not being able to guard DeAndre Hopkins or Rondale Moore should do the trick. Even though Minnesota must give their fans hope with a Pick6 only for the Cards to strike right back. Don’t worry Mike Zimmer you’re going to get bailed out by high end talent and escape the desert with a win if you can make this field goal. Greg Joseph was money last week at the end of regulation, let’s see what he can do for an encore? “Joseph’s kick is on its way and is… NO GOOD! (Death music in New Super Mario Bros Wii) HE MISSED IT TO THE RIGHT!” VIKINGS GONNA VIKING! For the 2nd week in a row they had a game all but won and chose to copy Dan Quinn. With their upcoming schedule Minnesota could be 0-4 with games against Seattle and Cleveland coming up. (Luckily those 2 games are at home, and they usually play well at US Bank Stadium) Zimmer isn’t lasting long if this continues.
Falcons vs Buccaneers: ARE! YOU! SERIOUS! THERE IS NO SOLUTION ON HOW TO MAKE TOM BRADY DECLINE!!! Even at age 44 he is having perhaps the best start to a season of his career thanks to a supporting cast that rivals the one he had with the 2007 Patriots. Even if the defense hasn’t resembled the unit we saw last year it just took them time to get to Matt Ryan. And when they did it was sight to behold. Mike Edwards did his best Mike Brown of the 2001 Bears impersonation by getting 2 Pick6’s in a row. (Though Brown did it in back to back games in OT) The Buccaneers are looking like the most dominant team in football with the amount of weapons they have at their disposal. Also Gronk is also back in his prime, and so is AB. Something about playing with TB12 unlocks these players’ elite talents.
Titans vs Seahawks: Tennessee is trying to make up for their shocking home last week against Arizona by potentially winning a huge game on the road. One problem, they have to face the return of the 12th and Russell Wilson in September. The Titans like last week have no answers for a white hot NFC West QB. Not to mention the offense has been slow as well. Seattle has now taken a 14 point lead in the 4th Quarter, but then… (Royal Trumpet playing) THE KING HAS RETURNED! Derrick Henry was unleashed in the final few minutes as the Seahawks went from being on cruise control to blowing a 2 TD lead in a matter of minutes. Even when Seattle tried to mount a game winning drive they ran out of time. In overtime King Henry XXII ran roughshod over the Seahawks front 7 and now the Titans can end it. “Bullock from 36 yards, and it is GOOD!” That’s a classy win right there for Tennessee. Coming into that environment against a playoff team and being able to come back from a 14 point 4th Quarter deficit has got to be a great boost for a team that needs one. Well done!
Cowboys vs Chargers: Following the Rams opener at SoFi last week, the Chargers now get to play a game in that stadium with fans for the first time in the regular season. There is one issue, it’s a home game full of Cowboys fans! Early on Dallas took a 14-3 lead as for the moment Dak Prescott looked unstoppable. Then the Cowboys get a bit sloppy. They kinda let their guard down as the Chargers stormed back to cut it to 3. They even scored a touchdown to take the lead in the 4th Quarter. BEEP! And then LA gets their own way via offensive pass interference. At least they got a field goal and tied the game. There is no way the Chargers can mess this opportunity up, Dem Cowboys are clearly playing down to their competition. But then Dallas got into field goal range and now they have to try a 56 yard field goal for the win. For further coverage of this game we go to a Cowboys fan with a video of the live reaction SoFi of that potential game winning kick. (The Cowboys fan taking this video is my sister’s boyfriend. I will let him and that fanbase have their moment) Cowboys fans during the Video: “COME ON! YEAAAAAAAAAAAAH! LETS GO!” There’s the Chargers we know and love. Jerry Jones 1-upping younger brother type owners both on and off the field yet again, it’s like they never learned at all! ¡BUENAS NOCHE SPANOS!
Chiefs vs Ravens: FULL MARYLANDER ACTIVATED! (Camden Yards Siren going off) Marylander: “BOOM! WE ARE, WE ARE, WE ARE THE RAVENS NATION! BOOM! (Begin the Baltimore City Insufferability! SORRY CLEVELAND!) WE ARE, WE ARE, WE ARE THE RAVENS NATION! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! (I had to bring out the theme song of the FreeState Workshop) WE ARE, WE ARE, WE ARE THE RAVENS NATION! (Salt from Nick Wright and Max Kellerman is AWESOME!) BOOM! WE ARE, WE ARE, WE ARE THE RAVENS NATION!”
Lions vs Packers: The Cheesehead Factory! Following their embarrassment last week against the Saints they are looking for a soft opponent to beat up on. Fortunately for you Wisconsin you’re playing your little brothers from the Motor City. And they are nowhere near your talent level. What Detroit gets to witness is TICKED OFF AARON RODGERS! And Aaron Jones too, he was unstoppable all night. Even as TJ Hockenson as well as Jared Goff scorched the Green Bay D in the 1st Half the Lions couldn’t pull away. The bad news for them is that Aaron Rodgers will at some point unlock his team’s talents. The Packers finally stopped the bleeding as they outscored the Lions 21-0 in the 2nd Half and at the moment have fixed all of their issues. Thank goodness I won’t have to make a soap opera yet on a team that is trying to recreate “The Last Dance.” Detroit you get the Ravens next week, not liking your chances too much.
Bragging Rights Sports 