2021 NFL Weekly Recaps: Week 1

Opening Weekend, it’s in some people’s minds the best week of the football season. Hope is alive for all 32 teams, and anything can happen at any given time. Now with an 18 Week Season and 17 games things are going to get very interesting. Come my friends, let us pray to the Football Gods! Heavenly Gods thank you for this day and the dawn of a new NFL season, we ask you to give us plenty of laughs, excitement, and fans and players losing their minds. We ask for you to make narratives either continue or end to the degree of many in the football landscape. We pray to the almighty powers of the NFL, AMEN!

Cowboys vs Buccaneers: This game has massive headlines written all over it. Dallas is trying to re-establish themselves as one of the NFC’s Elite teams, the Buccaneers are beginning their title defense and for the 1st time in 20 months we have a regular season game with a full capacity crowd! This was no ordinary NFL Kickoff Game, this was 2 college kids playing Madden. Thanks to the massive humidity at Raymond James Stadium the offenses for either team were firing at all cylinders. Tom Brady as expected came out firing as the Bucs took an early lead, but this is when the high-end talent of “Dem Cowboys” shows up and makes this a true shootout. Tampa Bay’s vaunted defense having no answers for Dallas’ star receivers, and AB and Gronk are back in 2017 form. The Buccaneers have taken a 9 point lead deep into the 4th Quarter. But the Cowboys and Dak Prescott are looking to spoil the party. They went right down the field and scored to cut the lead to 2. But it’s ok Brady is going to put the game away with his 5th touchdown pass… THEY FUMBLED AT THE 1 YARD LINE! ARE YOU KIDDING ME! The good news is that Dallas couldn’t run out the clock and settled for a field goal and a 1 point lead. The issue for Mike McCarthy is that they left too much time for TB12. Even with REFBALL trying to bail out the Cowboys the Bucs still have 1 more chance, and with 25 seconds left…“HEY HEY TAMPA BAY! THE BUCS ARE HOT AND READY TO PLAY!!!” (I had to include the Buccaneers longtime Fight Song in here because of narratives) Tom Brady crushes the hopes and dreams of a Dan Quinn defense YET AGAIN! The Bucs get into field goal range and end it via Ryan Succop. JerryBoy I will say this, be proud of yourselves, this was your watershed game, you are legit, you’ll be back here again. Just use it as a learning experience for later in the season. “HEY HEY TAMPA BAY! GO BUCS!” (Stephen A Smith: “HOW BOUT DEM COWBOYS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”)

Cardinals vs Titans: Now here is a matchup I want to see, 2 teams that added talent in the offseason on both sides of the ball trying to make an early statement. In this case it was the Cardinals. After their massive collapse last year Arizona was looking to make an example of a team that had equal if not greater talent than them. In this case, Tennessee, like last year against Baltimore, was shut down on the ground. Now that Defensive Coordinators have plenty of film on King Henry XXII it’s going to be very hard for an offense like the Titans to win games if their most feared weapon is taken away. As for their D, torched all game long by Kyler Murray and the AirRaid Offense. 38 points against. Even their big acquisitions were exposed all game. This is when Titans fans realize that they should have gone for more defense in the offense instead of Julio Jones. Don’t worry at least the Colts have a harder schedule than you do and the Texans and Jags are stuck in quicksand.

Jaguars vs Texans: Normally a tank bowl wouldn’t occur until Week 4 or 5 but in this case, considering these 2 teams and the turmoil on the roster. It’s a Tank Bowl! (Roundball Rock playing in background) Trevor Lawrences 1st NFL start comes against a team with no hope now that Deshawn Watson is holding out. In a game that I didn’t expect to be a blowout we got just that. In the other direction. Urban Meyer is literally getting outclassed in this game by a guy who should be nowhere near a head coaching job and Tyrod Taylor. Not to mention the Jags made Mark Ingram look like he was with Lamar Jackson again. (Fun fact David Culley was in Baltimore with Ingram too) Even if Trevor Lawrence put up a few good throws this wasn’t even a contest. Jacksonville you’re still the punchline of the AFC South. Losing to a team that has given up before a game has been played should result in alarm bells ringing already for Meyer and his assistants. Get it fixed!

Chargers vs Hogs: Washington is looking to become the 1st team to repeat as NFC East champs since 2004. Playing against a dark horse team like the Chargers should be a challenge to see where they are in terms of how they stack up against solid teams. Justin Herbert and the Bolts took an early lead but this is when Ryan Fitzpatrick usually comes back especially considering his track record in Week 1. CRACK! And then FitzCeption was sacrificed to the Almighty Football Gods. In his place comes Taylor Heinicke fresh off that Wild Card game last year and he at the moment picked up where he left off. However Washington stole the Chargers stereotypes of missed field goals and key turnovers as LA took the lead. There’s a chance for them to come back, nah the Hogs talented defense couldn’t stop Herbert at the end of the game. The Chargers escape town with a lucky win. Next week you get the Cowboys, just be prepared for their fans to take over SoFi just saying.

Jets vs Panthers: The 1st Revenge Story of the Season! Sam Darnold gets to face the organization that ruined him because of Adam Gase and the QB that they took with the 2nd Overall Pick to replace him. The whole game was vintage Jets, this isn’t just Zach Wilson having problems against the Panthers defense, the Offensive Line is basically banged up. Mekhi Becton was knocked out in the 1st Quarter and Wilson had no protection once their starting tackle went out. Even if Corey Davis made a nice first impression the ButtFumble was no match for their old QB. Not just Darnold himself, they couldn’t stop Robby Anderson either. Carolina looks like a well coached team but they need to prove themselves as playoff contenders going forward. Other than a few teams in the NFC West they have a good chance at trying to get a Wild Card. Anyways we have a new leader in the Injury Bowl race as the ButtFumble has 7 starters now on IR. THE NEW YORK JETS EVERYONE!

Vikings vs Bengals: The Bungles! A team that is hyping themselves up as contenders despite having holes on defense and on the O-Line. (The media wants the old powers in the AFC North to die) The Vikings on the other hand have plenty of doubters thanks to Kirk Cousins and their defense being past their prime. With Joe Burrow back in the mix Cincinnati jumped out to an early lead anchored by key 3rd Down conversions and Jamarr Chase not having butterfingers. (He was just lollygagging in the preseason that’s all) In the 2nd Half the Bengals held a 10 point lead, but this is the Vikings and they have plenty of offensive talent. You would be correct! Minnesota storms back as Cincy can’t stop Adam Thielen and thanks to a last second field goal we are going to overtime. After a few clutch stops Minnesota can unleash the Bungling! “They give it to Cook, AND HE LOST THE BALL! There’s no signal yet, and it’s RECOVERED BY THE BENGALS! UNBELIEVABLE!” Just stop the presses, Dalvin Cook, perhaps the most sure handed Running Back in the game, coughs up the ball when Minnesota is in field goal range. Unsurprisingly Joe Burrow takes advantage of that and leads his team towards a game winning field goal of their own. In other words VIKINGS GONNA VIKING! I hope this isn’t the beginning of a Cincinnati Renaissance! (I can’t afford to have 4 good teams in the AFC North)

Seahawks vs Colts: All rise for testimony from the Almighty Book of Wentz! Chapter 67 Verse 36. In front of a full house at Lucas Oil, the Colts were contained all game and beaten by their far superior opponents from the Emerald City. Carson Wentz was knocked around, and upside down until he was conquered and won by the 12s. The Seahawks took a contender on paper and put up their annual Week 1 status quo game. Russell Wilson and Tyler Lockette were unstoppable. The score says a lot about that connection. Indianapolis needs Quentin Nelson back for their O-Line. If you look at their upcoming schedule the Colts could be 0-5. They need to fix things quickly on offense especially if the defense isn’t as good as they were a year ago. Tough luck.

49ers vs Lions: The 49ers are finally back at full strength. After a year where they set the NFL Record for players on IR they are looking to make an example of an opponent early on. The good news for the 9er Gang is that Detroit is a worse team than them on paper. Early in the game San Francisco was flexing their might as both Jimmy G and Trey Lance made huge impacts when they were under center. (Trey Lance being used in Wildcat packages, good thinking Shanahan!) With a 41-17 lead in the 4th quarter the 49ers looked like they were on smooth sailing. BOOM! But the Lions had to give Jared Goff’s old rival a bit of a scare. Detroit quickly storms back for 16 straight points and cuts San Frans lead to 8, how can this get worse for Kyle Shanahan? “It’s caught by Deebo Samuel and he LOST THE BALL! THE LIONS HAVE RECOVERED CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!” The 9ers had the game all but won and now they are letting a team with 2 good players potentially send it to OT. But then the San Francisco defense stood up and stopped the Lions 4 straight times inside the 20 yard line. Detroit comes up short again! (Death Music in Super Mario 3D Land playing) How was this even a game at the end? If I’m the 49ers I would be cautious about a game like that going forward. Don’t let it happen again!

Eagles vs Falcons: This is an interesting matchup. The Eagles are pretending that they can compete for an NFC East Title, while the Falcons are having the same optimism for roughly the 6th year in a row. And like most years any optimism that Atlanta has is quickly banished in Week 1. The last couple of years they got spanked in Week 1 by playoff teams. This year? Try the Eagles, a team that had no direction following last season and you guys suddenly made Jalen Hurts and DeVonta Smith look like 2004 Donovan McNabb and TO? For much of the game Philadelphia did basically whatever the heck they wanted on offense. Solid Runs, Rollouts, Crossing Patterns, you name it! As for the Falcons offense besides a few drives in the 1st Half they could get nothing going against Philly’s Front 7. That defense that wasn’t supposed to be good yet made mincemeat out of Matt Ryan and Kyle Pitts. They made Nick Sirriani look like the potential savior of the City of Brotherly Love! The Eagles still have plenty of doubters out there but this was a solid win to prepare themselves for real teams. It may be a new coaching staff but some things with the Falcons never change. Only a Brick Wall could stop you, IT’S NAME IS THE EAGLES! COUNT ON IT!

Steelers vs Bills: The Steelers have massive chips on their shoulders. Following a brutal offseason in which the team lost basically their entire Offensive Line from the Killer B’s era and perhaps preparing for Big Ben’s retirement in the next year or so they want to make a statement right away. The perfect challenge for them is the Buffalo Bills, a team that fancies themselves as Super Bowl Contenders despite flaws in their Running Game and D-Line. Early on the Bills dominated via Special Teams but Pittsburgh kept it close thanks to some nice defensive stands. Josh Allen and the Bills newage K-Gun Offense had no answers for the Steelers pass rush and couldn’t create space in the open field to run. Even if Najee Harris couldn’t find daylight until the 4th Quarter the Steelers only trailed by 3. But like most games with Mike Tomlin the High End Talent on Offense led by the Leader of Men shows up for a drive as the Yinzers take the lead. How will this get ugly for the Bills? “The Steelers should get good field position and it’s BLOCKED! And picked up by Ulysees Gilbert and he takes it in for the Touchdown!” Wow, the Bills like the Titans before them got smacked on Opening Day thanks to having trouble unlocking their offensive talent. This is why you never hype up teams that have major flaws that could hold them back, because the risks are great. Anyways the Yinzers have come out of hiding! I wonder what my YouTube compadre UrinatingTree thinks? Yinzer: THE STILLERS ARE GOING TO DA SUPA BOWL! I’m not shocked by that answer even as a rival.

Dolphins vs Patriots: It’s a new age for the Patriots! It appears that they have found their next great QB, and his name is Mac Jones. He will have a hard test in Week 1 especially against a potential playoff team in the Dolphins. Overall he looked good for a Rookie, he looked relaxed, efficient, and kept mistakes to a minimum. The bad news for him was that his mentor at Alabama Tua Tagovailoa also came to play. He and college teammate Jaylen Waddle hooked up a few times, one resulting in a touchdown. Leading by 1 deep into the 4th Quarter Miami is holding their breath. And with the Patriots picking off Tua to give them a chance at the lead all things are optimistic in New England. “Damien Harris off the right side, and he gets STRIPPED OF THE FOOTBALL! AND IT’S PICKED UP BY MIAMI!” Then came the one thing that usually drives Bill Belichick crazy, YOU MUST HOLD ONTO THE BALL IN THESE SITUATIONS! Because if you don’t you may not get another chance. Wouldn’t you guess it the Dolphins convert a few key 3rd Downs and are able to run out the clock. It’s too bad, I would have loved to see Mac Jones win in his NFL Debut. And with this knowledge Miami takes the early lead in the AFC East. Now the Dolphins are the ones being the hunters of that division at this moment.

Broncos vs Giants: Why did I put great expectations around the New York Giants. Everytime you think this is the year they will win the NFC East they underachieve dramatically. Against a dark horse team like the Broncos it was on full display. Saquan getting no daylight in his return from the IL, Daniel Jones getting crushed by Denver’s Front 7 and like the last few seasons the G-Men have no Offensive Line. All Teddy Bridgewater had to do was not make mistakes at key times. He was pretty clean from what I saw. The AFC West is getting very interesting, 2 dark horse teams in the division, KC, and a Raiders team looking to shed precious narratives. The Giants need to fix their issues quickly if they want to win the division. The good news for New York is that every team not named the Eagles lost so at least there is a brightspot.

Packers vs Saints: Packers can you explain what that effort was all about? Weren’t you guys hyped up as the favorites for the NFC Title. In reality Green Bay was flat out exposed and looked gassed throughout the game. The Saints didn’t have the comfort of Drew Brees or the Superdome and they still stomped you guys. Well it appears that Jameis Winston isn’t a turnover chef at the moment. You know who it is? DING! Ticked off Aaron Rodgers! All of the nonsense he did this offseason and nearly betrayed Wisconsin Sports fans for this. Not only was Famous Jameis crushing the Packers, DING! It was their defense. Well, New Orleans I feel like is still going to be a contender in the NFC because they still have a solid defense and if they don’t make mistakes on offense the Defending Champions could have a challenge for the division at hand. Green Bay, just prepare for Detroit next Monday Night and clear up the wounds of this game ok. (If they lose to the Lions they’re DOOMED!)

Browns vs Chiefs: A contrast of 2 teams. On 1 hand you have the annual hype machine in the AFC trying to establish themselves as a potential contender, on the other hand you have a team looking to return to their once great glory of a Super Bowl. So far the Browns have stood up to the challenge of being massive underdogs at Arrowhead and have a 22-10 lead at halftime. But the problem for them like everyone else in the AFC you can’t keep the Chiefs down for long. Not with their speed and passing attack. Patrick Mahomes once again extended his dominance in September with a near perfect passer rating and had barely any trouble against Cleveland’s secondary. Despite the Browns trying to pull off the upset, Kansas City answers every strike made by Baker Mayfield or their running game. Then just like last year Cleveland tries running a fake punt in their own territory. This is why Kevin Stafanski isn’t ready for competing with Reid, Belichick, and Harbaugh in terms of dominant coaches. Kansas City responds by taking the lead basically for good! Even if the Dawg Pound has 1 more chance to win the Chiefs are going to do everything they can to prevent Cleveland from ruining Andy Reid’s win streak in September. “Mayfield swarmed in the pocket, rolled out, kept his eyes downfield, he throws it to the sideline and it is INTERCEPTED!” (PACMAN death noise) Vintage Browning! I will give them credit, they played a great game and should be a team to be aware of going forward. They, however, are probably going to bring up the excuses of Ronnie Harrison getting ejected and no OBJ and JOK, but KC didn’t have the Honey Badger either. If I’m the Chiefs though I would be a little careful after a win like this, especially considering their next opponent wants to finally knock them off the AFC’s top spot. (That environment that they will face next Sunday Night is the hardest in the NFL during primetime games)

Bears vs Rams: Lets try this again, this is the REAL Opening Night at SoFi Stadium. And not just that it’s the dawn of perhaps a new era of Rams Football. Matthew Stafford makes his long awaited LA debut in front of a National Audience. He capitalized on playing in a Sean McVay led offense by torching his one time division rival in Da Bears. (Note his first pass in a Rams uniform was a 67 yard Touchdown) It wasn’t just the LA offense, that defense led by Aaron Donald and Jalen Ramsey were all over Chicago’s offense. Andy Dalton had nothing going for him that night. Now Bears fans and all of Chicagoland are going to be calling for Justin Fields as soon as possible. Even with that logic I think the McCaskey’s wait until they are in desperation mode to make that move. I don’t know, considering that Ryan Pace and Matt Nagy’s jobs aren’t in good hands. (Their 1st Round pick is also Giants property so they are going to panic even more!) 

Ravens vs Raiders: We now go live to Baltimore for a live reaction to this game.

Marylander: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Narrator: I need another document to explain the worst defensive performance by the Ravens since 2013. I want this to stop, that is all.

FOOTBALL FOLLIES: And yes we get the return of the comedy show that is WEEKLY FOOTBALL FOLLIES! This week’s winner is the Buffalo Bills because of a 4th Down play call against those hated Yinzers. Instead of running a draw or FB dive on that play they decided to run a RB pass. However Devin Singletary was stopped for a loss of 5. Wouldn’t you know it, that call led to a go ahead Touchdown for Pittsburgh and the Steelers went on to win the game. (That was the difference between a lead in the AFC East and an 0-1 start) If I’m a Bills fan I would be very concerned about the offense after a performance like this. They need Singletary to return to Rookie form if they have any chance at winning the AFC East.