Charm City Beasts Episode 17: Kings and Queens and MonStars and Playoff Drama (OH MY)

Playoff Football! It’s one of my favorite times of the year, the final grind towards the Lombardi Trophy is beginning and as a fan of a team that makes it almost on a yearly basis it’s fun to have outraging highs and lows. Enough with my words, we must get to the MECCA of this week’s presentation!

Tonight on a special episode of CHARM CITY BEASTS! The victory in Cincinnati ensures that Ravens fans will have their playoff Festivus. Many players have been saying that the playoffs for them have begun long before this upcoming weekend. In the words of Mark Andrews, the playoffs have been going on for us since the Tuesday Night game against Dallas. Ever since that game there has been very little drama coming out of the organization and not a single player has tested positive since. The good news for Ravens fans is that Sam Koch did not test positive during the Holiday Season and is expected to return to action this Sunday, he says that “I was bummed that my consecutive games streak ended, but it’s good to be back to full strength.” This week the media’s main focus as expected by everyone in the area has centered around Action Jackson, and the Roman Empire. Both of them were being criticized during the week for overlooking their opponents in the playoffs last year, and have been discussed about the possibility of a 3rd 1-done. Jackson quoted that the team was not overlooking their opponents this year despite being on the road in Round 1. Roman stated that if we maintain our punishing gameplan of punching teams in the mouth we will be hard to beat.

In this week’s Wild Card Game Baltimore is playing with all hands on deck. Not only is their unbeaten record in Road 1st Round games at stake they get to face perhaps their most hated rival outside of Pittsburgh, Cleveland, and New England. DERRICK BLEEPING HENRY AND THE TENNESSEE TITANS! The salt from last year’s game plus Tennessee’s incident of trash talking Harbaugh on the Ravens midfield shield is in the minds of everyone in the Baltimore Area. 2 games that were ripped from the Ravens thanks to terrible play calling (Both games) an unfair officiating (2nd game to be exact.) The Boys in Purple are entering Nissan Stadium which hasn’t hosted a playoff game since 2008. In that game the Ravens defense stopped the Titans 5 times inside Baltimore’s 30 yard line, not to mention Todd Heap and Matt Stover buried Jeff Fisher’s hopes at winning a Super Bowl, (Titans fans still think Joe Flacco should have been called for delay of game seconds before the Heap 3rd and 10 completion!) The atmosphere of 15000 fans according to Titans fans on Social Media will be ruckus but they do need to realize that there will be plenty of Ravens fans in Nashville that are going down I-70 from Pikesville MD. As John Harbaugh said this week “Here come the men that the Bachelorette Capital of America loves to HATE!” What he is saying is that we will crash their playoff party this weekend! (WAIT ISN’T THIS THE BANK WE ROBBED! BOOM!!! HAHAHAHA! THE TITANS!)

This requires a serious tone of a narrator once again, this matchup of heavyweights and equally matched squads begins with blows a plenty. After both teams traded 3 and outs the Titans just like last year scored a touchdown on their 2nd possession of the game (REFBALL? IDK.) In what felt like a repeat of that game Lamar gave Tennessee the chance at another 14-0 lead with an INT on a bad throw. The good news for Marylanders is that King Henry was stacked up by the MonStars for 3 straight plays thus leading to a field goal. But unlike the 2 recent playoff losses Action Jackson was not going to panic, anchored by several completions on key 3rd downs on their next drive the Ravens had their first solid period with the ball despite only getting a field goal. The good news was that the Titans O-Line got scorched yet again leading to a 3 and out. Despite Mike Vrabel’s crafty blitzes to expose Jackson he finally got away from one, thus resulting in the first touchdown that the Ravens have scored against Tennessee in 8 playoff quarters. With the game tied at 10 at halftime all the Marylanders could smell the blood of #TITANUP!

BOOM! Just like in the final 5 games of the regular season, the Roman Empire unleashed the punishing ground game as well as Hollywood Brown making clutch catches. Despite Tennessee trying to make adjustments on that same drive JK Dobbins was able to punch it in from 4 yards out to take the lead. Now the game is in the hands of the defense. After another solid defensive stand Baltimore had the chance at doomsday, instead they stalled and had to punt the ball back. Luckily for Ravens fans despite a roughing the passer call resulting in a 35 yard gain for the Titans, the MonStars stopped King Henry yet again. 3 touches, -1 yard on those 3 plays. With the score now 17-13 the Ravens mounted another solid drive but had to settle for a field goal. “Tucker’s kick is hooking and missed it to the right!” Well the wind knocked that down on that one, the good news is that King Henry was once again stuffed and Ryan Tannehill’s efforts to carry his team had no answers for the Ravens secondary. Once again Tennessee was looking to keep themselves within 4 points but Action Jackson and Hollywood torched the defense yet again. Despite coming up just short on a 3rd and 1 and “WHY IN THE WORLD ARE YOU GOING FOR IT UP BY 4 WITH 4 MINUTES LEFT! ARE YOU TRYING TO GET ROMAN FIRED!?” Oh thank goodness you converted it BEEP “Pass interference offense #83” I won’t rip the refs that hard because Willie Snead used his shoulder to create space for JK to get open. But they did get points thanks to Tucker atoning for his earlier miss. All the Ravens need to do is stop Tannehill and Public Enemy #1 once and for all. “Tannehill to throw, he throws it downfield (HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY!!!) INTERCEPTED BY MARCUS PETERS!” Once again Titans fans are complaining about officials, it’s like they haven’t learned from 2000, and 2008 at all. Marylander: NIGHT NIGHT KING HENRY!!! THAT’S WHAT WE CALL THE RAVENS GOING TO DA SUPA BOWL!!! Narrator: Calm down buddy we have to face one of the Top 2 seeds next weekend.

This is karma for all of Nashville on how they were treating Ravens fans last January and in Week 11. Remember how you guys called Wink Martindale and the Ravens secondary Derrick Henry’s kids, well guess what you guys are the kids of Ray Lewis! You guys also claimed that you owned us too, well now you’re 0-3 against us in home playoff games! I can safely say that Nissan Stadium is property of Steve Bisciotti, Dick Cass, Ozzie Newsome, and Eric DeCosta. All I kept hearing from Titans fans all this week was how the Ravens had such a soft defense. They are no match for Derrick Henry, they all said, Baltimore was going to get killed. Did any of you not see not see 2000 and 2008. How we stopped Eddie George and CJ2K before him. Did nobody panic when the Packers controlled the King’s powers in Week 16. But they have Lamar Jackson, HE’S A CHOKE ARTIST, HE CAN’T THROW! HE CAN’T WIN A PLAYOFF GAME! Guess what guys he beat with his arm and his legs. All you Homers from the Music City care about your narratives about how King Henry is this invincible player that cannot be stopped by anyone! And I love the fact that our guys stomped all over the midfield logo. THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR TRASH TALKING US ALL YEAR!!!

For the 1st time in what seems like forever the Ravens have won a playoff game. And as John Harbaugh said after the game and in years past “It’s never pretty, it’s never perfect, BUT IT IS US!” This sounds like the team that overcomes the doubters in route to a chance at a 3rd Lombardi in 20 years. So who are we playing next weekend? BOOM! (THE BUFFALO BILLS!) Oh my goodness we get a primetime game next week in front of a Saturday Night audience in front of a rabid BillsMafia. Because just like last year the TV networks want us in the playoff spotlight, Prepare for endless snow and cold weather next week as the Ravens head north. Tune in next week for Charm City Beasts FROM MOTHER NATURE!