Week 17 is always either a time for panic or hope for Ravens fans. Every year for the last 20 years we find ourselves either in control of our destiny, clinched, trying to play spoiler, or need help from other squads. You try not to think of the negatives because you always want to have fun and enjoy yourselves. I know all the Marylanders this week will be getting those emotions but it’s good for them. Enough with the emotional talk about Week 17, let’s begin the show!
Tonight on Charm City Beasts! Another statement win against a playoff caliber opponent leads the team in control of their own destiny for the first time in a month. Despite the defense recording 11 sacks in 2 games defensive coordinator Wink Martindale states that the pass rush can be much better in the playoffs if they get there. From the way they have been playing as of late look out. With wins in each of the last 4 games many of the pundits who were doubting them back in November were praising the turnaround lead by Harbs himself. They said that of the Wild Card teams in either conference the Ravens are the one that no one wants to face. I think we have heard that quote many times over the past 13 years. The only concern for the week was punter Sam Koch being placed on the COVID list thus ending his franchise record for consecutive games played. The good news is that Eric DeCosta was quick on this announcement so he brought in Johnny Townsend to be the punter in this crucial game.
The big dilemma that the players would be facing this week was how were they going to celebrate the New Year. On a regular basis many of them would be in clubs or bars, but thanks to COVID protocols and already having a huge outbreak early in the season, Coach Harbaugh insisted in a private meeting with several of the captains that if they were to hang out that Thursday Night it would be at the players houses. Thus the boys would either hang out at several of the players houses as well as Coach Harbaugh’s. If you couldn’t tell most of the players went to hang out with L-Freaky. The evening was typical fun for the team. Eat some pizza, have a few drinks, play some Madden, and shoot off some fireworks at Midnight. But the real fun for these internet sensations came during the Midnight-1AM hour especially for Lamar’s side of the clan. Because on ABC and NBC’s NYE broadcast 3 different TikTok stars would be performing in that hour thus convincing the boys to have a DanceOff which happened to take place at numerous different locations because of COVID protocols so they decided to FaceTime each other. Despite Corvette Corvette (TAKE THAT JUJU!), the Renegade Dance,Savage Love, Say So as well as others. (Fun fact only 2 of those dances were even performed live), the real winner was YES Action Jackson! He beat out the Humphrey Household, Matt Judon, Mark Ingram and several other players and got each of the households on the FaceTime call into laughs and excitement. No wonder he took the gold! He was claimed Team MVP for the second year in a row and is a hilarious person to follow on Social Media. As long as they save some energy for Sunday they should be fine. Due to the importance of this game we are being joined by the Voice of the Christmas Story from the Church of Nativity in Timonium MD. Let’s hear him do his best version of the Story of Week 17.
Storyteller: (Opening Organ in U2s “Where The Streets Have No Name” playing in the background) “The 3rd Day of January in the 2021st year since the inception of the Lord. The 17th Week of the 101st Season of the NFL has come down to the wire. The 16th and final game of the 25th season of Ravens football includes a potential exorcism of demons. The 1st Meeting between them and Cincinnati in a Week 17 game since the 4th and 12 which is considered undiscussable in Baltimore and Harford Counties. The 50th all time matchup between the Boys in Purple and their division rivals from the Queen City. The 21st Time that they will be squaring off inside Paul Brown Stadium. Hope, and all things good springs throughout the city of Baltimore. A win this week would put them in the playoffs for the 3rd consecutive year. Despite the Bungals trying to play spoiler again this is a completely different Ravens team from the one that choked 3 years ago. This is the Story of Week 17 according to the will of God!”
Ravens P.A. Man (Bruce Cunningham or Greg Davis): “LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! HERE COME THE RAVENS!!!”
The good news for us is that most of the fans that are at this game are either Ravens fans, hometowners from Cincy or Lamar bandwagoners from his days at Louisville. So it sort of feels like being at M&T despite enduring the confines of the Jungle. Despite the Ravens controlling their own destiny Bengals LB Germaine Pratt tweeted that they will end Baltimore’s season on Sunday. I mean come on Bungals! If you’re going to give your opponent more motivation for an upcoming game you cannot say stuff like this. IT’S ONLY GOING TO MAKE THE OTHER TEAM MORE FIRED UP AND HARBAUGH LOVES PUTTING OPPONENTS ON A POSTER!!!
The beginning of the game would be classic Bungals. They completed a 40 yard pass to Tee Higgins only to be called for offensive pass interference. In what would become endless humiliation for the entire city of Cincinnati their achilles heel was exposed. Their defense is totally weak. Lamar Jackson as usual had a field day against their secondary by means of throwing for 3 touchdowns. In other news he became the 1st QB in NFL history to rush for 1000 yards in back-back seasons. The defense was just as dominant, highlighted by the return of Marcus Peters Baltimore gave up only 2 first downs in the 1st Half alone. But the main reason Baltimore dominated the Bungals was on the ground. Led by JK Dobbins 160 yards and 2 TDs (Look at the Stiff Arm on Pratt, HE LOVES IT NOW!) plus Mr Big Truss himself and Gus the Bus the Ravens ran for a franchise record 404 yards. With this victory it is official, the Ravens are having a Festivus for the rest of us.
Ravens QUALIFIED (SUCCESS!): From 6-5 and all of Baltimore calling for Harbaugh and Greg Romans heads to winning 5 straight and returning to the playoffs. Just like 2000 and 2012 they have the expectations of being the underdogs but can they live up to the hype of their fanbase! I hope so.
Thank goodness we will have playoff football to witness this year. I know that we probably won’t get a game at M&T Bank Stadium this January. At least we are going back to our old ways of winning on the road in the playoffs. I wonder who we will be facing in the 1st Round? BOOM! THE TENNESSEE TITANS! This is the game that everyone in the state of Maryland has been waiting for, the chance to vanish Derrick Bleeping Henry once and for all and humiliate them like in 2000 and 2008! Lamar and Greg Roman get the chance to overcome last year’s disaster and bring new life to Baltimore. Now unlike Week 11 we are fully healthy on defense and the offense looks primed to make some noise. Find out next week on Charm City Beasts! THIS TEAM IS SO FUN!!!
Bragging Rights Sports 